The King of Queens s05e06 Episode Script

Business Affairs

My eyes are gettin' weary My back is gettin' tight I'm sittin' here in traffic On the Queensboro Bridge tonight But I don't care 'cause all I want to do Is cash my check and drive right home to you 'Cause, baby, all my life I will be drivin' home to you but I think my favorite mayor of all was Mr.
John D.
Lindsay.
Marvelous politician and, if I may say, easy on the eyes.
Hey, guys, good walk? Oh, it was great.
Arthur's been telling me all these funny mayor stories.
Oh, yeah? Oh, Holly, let me pay you for this week.
There you go, sweetie.
Thanks.
You don't have to pay my dogwalker in front of me like I'm an animal! Well, you can earn some money and pay her yourself.
Easy there, sister.
I was just making conversation.
Thanks, Carr.
Listen, Arthur, I'm adding a new dog to our walk next time-- This adorable Jack Russell.
I hope it's not the Jack Russell I knew in the army.
I left him for dead.
Hey, babe.
Hi, honey.
Listen, I'm sorry I couldn't make that meeting with the mortgage guy.
How'd it go? Great.
He ran down the options for me, and I think I selected us a refinancing plan that fits our needs pretty well.
Yeah? Which? Uh, the purple one.
Did you even read it? No, but the broker was pushing it, and he seemed like a pretty bright guy.
Look, the middle-aged black couple here seems pretty happy with it.
You're not ready to do grown-up stuff on your own, are you? I got the gist of it, all right? Right now we got 7 years left on our mortgage.
If we switch to this one, it's gonna bring our payments way down because we're gonna spread 'em out over the next 30 years.
Hmm.
That sounds good.
Yeah.
My only concern was are we really gonna dig each other for that long? Well, unless you leave me for a roast beef, I think we're OK.
So when do we sign everything? I'm picking up the application tomorrow and I'll bring it by your office.
Holy sweet Mother, I'm staring at a bowl of chocolate.
Yeah, I'm making brownies.
Hey, get away.
They're not for you.
They're for Curt from work.
Who? Curt, my friend from work.
It's his birthday tomorrow.
Uh-huh.
No--no! Stop it! Don't--don't do it! No! You only bake a few times a year! I should be on the business end of all of 'em! Doug, I limit my baking to keep you alive.
Look, you know, I'm not sure I like you baking for another man, anyway.
All right.
You know what? Relax.
Curt is gay.
Oh, well, then there's no way he can eat a tray full of brownies and still look good in his gay pants.
So give.
Give 'em to me.
Stop it! Stop! Hey, Doug.
Oh, hey, Amy.
You, uh, see the wifeski? The what? The wifeski.
I'm sorry.
I don't know what you're saying.
My wife Carrie.
Have you seen her? Oh.
Yeah, she should be back from lunch any minute.
Thanks.
Hey, honey.
Hey! Hey! How are ya? Good.
I brought the mortgage down.
Oh, good.
Curt, this is my husband Doug.
Oh, it's great to meet you finally.
C-Curt.
Brownie Curt.
Yeah.
I'd offer you one, but my co-workers pretty much mowed right through them.
I yanked my hands away just in time.
Well, no biggie.
Speaking of scary co-workers, did you see Vanveen make his way over here? Uh, yeah.
He was just standing there, staring at us-- "What ya got there? Brownies?" - Very odd.
- Very odd, and did you see he was wearing that thing again? That thing with the snaps? Yeah, yeah.
He thinks it works for him.
It doesn't.
Uh-uh! Yeah, totally.
So anyway, I got the, uh, mortgage thing here.
You just gotta sign next to the little tabbies.
All right, well, did you read through it this time? No.
I paid the guy to put the tabbies there so we wouldn't have to read it.
OK, I'm gonna go make a copy.
I'll be right back.
Oh, God, I'm stuffed.
Carrie took me out for sushi.
Oh, great.
That's one less time she begs me to go.
Raw fish not as good as cooked cow.
Hey! It's Carrie's work husband and her real husband in the same place.
Work husband? Oh, yeah.
It's just this joke they got going here 'cause we're always together.
I'm her work husband.
She's my work wife.
It's stupid.
No, no, it's-- It's funny.
It's funny.
All right, honey.
Here ya go.
All right.
Now we gotta go set up the conference room for a meeting.
The millionaires will riot if they don't get their free muffins.
It's nice to meet you.
You, too.
Douglas.
Hey, Arthur.
What's troubling you, Son? You never looked heavier.
Thanks.
Come here.
Well, there's this-- There's this guy that Carrie works with.
Nothing really bad's going on.
Actually, he's gay.
Ah, the homosexuals.
It's wonderful, the things they've given to our culture.
I'm a big fan.
Can I finish? All right.
So anyway, she and this guy got this thing going.
They're really close, and they have all these inside jokes.
They go out for sushi, and it turns out the people there call him her work husband.
I mean, what's with that? Come on.
It's innocent fun.
I actually had a work wife once.
Really? Mm-hmm.
Her name was Phyllis Schneck.
She worked with me in a crab cannery in Glen Burnie, Maryland.
All righty.
Every morning, I would kiss my real wife good-bye and head to work.
Down at the cannery, Phyllis and I would laugh our heads off all day, you know, real inside crab humor.
Then, one day, at the company picnic, we hopped off into the forest in a potato sack and made love like rabbits.
Now that I think about it, Douglas, gay or not, new guy spells bad news.
The new guy's so cute, isn't he? He's OK.
I doubt he'll be doing any Alpo ads anytime soon.
You're so good with the Frisbee, Pee-wee.
You're so good with the Frisbee.
We get it.
He's good with the Frisbee.
Hey.
Hey.
How was the rest of your work day? Fine.
Just fine? Come on, give me more than that.
What? Come on.
I want to be part of your work life.
Do you also want to pick out my outfit for tomorrow? Look, I'm serious.
Like, what's up with the weird guy who kept staring at the brownies? Vanveen? Yes! What the hell is up with Vanveen? Give me the what-what on Vanveen.
Nothing.
Just a very annoying man who's 4'11".
Why do you care? Well, excuse me for wanting to know as much about your life as your work husband does.
What? That's right.
You didn't think I'd find out you're a bigamist, did you, Utah? Doug, are you actually telling me you're upset because I have a friend who people, as a dumb joke, call my work husband? No, you know, you're right.
Why am I getting upset? Really.
You just have another husband.
That's all.
Doug, Curt is gay.
What part of gay do you not understand? I understand plenty parts of gay.
Do you, Doug? Yeah, I do.
Well, you're being ridiculous.
Look, even if there is no sex involved, how would you like it if I had a work wife at IPS, huh? What if Wanda the dispatcher and I just started spending all this time together? Wanda never leaves her desk.
She's 400 pounds.
Of fun.
All right, you know what? I am done with this conversation.
Whether he's gay or not, bottom line is you found somebody at work you're sharing all these things with that you should be sharing with me.
You guys have all these inside jokes.
You got all this stuff in common.
You go out for lunch, you hang out.
You just described your exact relationship with Deacon.
No, I didn't.
Think about it.
Have I ever once baked brownies for Deacon? No, but you made him that big sandwich, and you told me how much you enjoyed watching him eat it.
OK, that was a new kind of ham I discovered.
It's totally different.
And you guys have a million inside jokes.
I mean, I come home, you two are on the couch-- "Hey, Eddie, Eddie.
" I mean, I don't know what the hell you guys talk about.
So, admit it.
There are many times you'd rather be spending time with Deacon than with me.
So whether you like it or not, he is your work wife.
You're ugly.
What's up, man? What's up? Oh, you are everything And everything is you Oh, you are everything And everything is you Oh, you are everything And everything is you How can I forget When each face that I see Brings back memories Of being with you I just can't go on Living life as I do Comparing each girl to-- You wanna catch a movie tonight? Try and stop me.
Look at the ball, Pee-wee.
Ready? Go get it.
Oh, isn't he great? I just love him.
By the way, I was reading a scathing piece in the op-ed section of today's Times.
Did you happen to see it? No, I didn't.
Oh, who's a good boy? You're a good boy.
You're a good boy.
Ready? Go get it again.
It was saying we haven't had a decent secretary of commerce in over a decade.
Oh, real-- Oh, who's smarter than you? Nobody.
Nobody's smarter than you.
Ready? Look at it.
Look at it.
Go get it.
Come here! Come here! Give me that ball, Pee-wee! Give it to me! I believe this is yours.
Curt, do not ask him out.
Because he's straight.
He is.
All right, good luck to you.
Hey, call me after the train wreck.
OK.
Bye.
It's wonderful to see how you kids keep your marriage so fresh.
Ha ha ha ha ha.
Listen, the mortgage guy called.
He wants us to meet him in his office at 3:30 tomorrow to sign the final papers.
Great.
In other news, you were right.
Deacon is my work wife, and I'm good with that.
So there you go.
Are you still on this thing? I'm not on or off anything, OK? It's just fact.
You found somebody you like to spend all your time with, and so have I.
Don't be a moron.
I never said I wanted to spend all my time with Curt.
It's fine.
You guys can hang out, eat sushi.
Deacon and I are going out tonight to explore one of our common interests, the cinema of Mr.
Vin Diesel.
OK, you know what? Hey, Curt, it's me again.
Hey, do you want to go dancing or something tonight? OK, great.
So I'll see you in, what, like, a half hour? All right, hon.
Bye-bye.
Ya happy? Thrilled.
It's better this way.
Now you don't have to pretend to care about sports and ground beef, and I don't have to pretend to care about your new shoes and your feelings.
You know what? Maybe I do wanna spend every second of my day with Curt.
Feels good to admit it, right? Feels fantastic.
Would you do me a favor? Please hand me my Michael Jordan cologne.
Thank you.
Mm-hmm.
Here we go.
Wow, wow.
I like to smell good for my man.
Zip me, please.
Not a problem.
Zip me, please.
What, your fly? That's right.
My fly.
You can zip your own fly.
That is such a slap in the face.
Hey, you think Vin Diesel's full name is Vincent Diesel? I think the name is totally made-up.
Really? So you don't think out there somewhere there's a very proud Sam and Edna Diesel? Doug? Hey, Carrie.
Hello.
What are you doing here? I told you I wanted to try this place.
What are you doing here? Sorry, I didn't realize you owned El Diablo's.
Can I start you guys off with something to drink? Yeah, I'll have a margarita.
Oh, do you wanna share one? I don't drink that much.
Oh, sure.
We'll share a margarita.
Oh, and Deacon and I will share a margarita as well.
No, we won't.
Fine, then we'll share 2.
OK, thanks.
So, what did you guys do tonight? Saw a movie.
Loved it.
Lot of explosions and loud noises.
Not for you two.
So how was your little dance party? It was great.
Curt's a really great dancer.
He's in great shape 'cause he works out a lot.
Oh, wow.
Jeez.
Well, Curt, what do you bench? Oh, um, about 180.
how about you? I don't know.
Like, 210.
Hmm.
That's slightly more than Curt.
Wow, Doug.
Your work wife can bench more than my work husband.
Um, you know, I think I'm just gonna go check on our drinks.
Work wife? Yeah, Curt is her work husband.
You're my work wife.
Do I like pinto beans or black beans? Work wife? Don't worry about it.
It's fine.
Oh, lookee here.
Looks like Curt's found himself another date.
Oh.
Perfect.
I was having a great night with him until you showed up.
Work wife?! It's nothing.
Don't make a scene.
I--I don't know what the hell's going on between you two, but don't drag me into this, and don't call me your work wife.
If anything, you're my work wife.
Pee-wee.
Who's the best Pee-wee? You're the best Pee-wee.
Excuse me? Do you know what time it is? It's, uh It's a quarter past the hour of 2:00.
Thanks.
May I assume you walk dogs professionally? Yup.
Would you happen to have any openings in your group? Sure.
Always room for one more.
Uh, where's your dog? You're looking at him.
Time to go, Arthur.
Actually, while you've been heaping love on your precious Pee-wee, I made other arrangements.
This striking young lady will be walking me henceforth.
Arthur, are you actually saying that you're jealous of Pee-wee? Arthur, he's a dog.
You're a person.
Spin it any way you want.
It still stinks.
Oh, come on, Arthur.
You know I love walking you.
Prove it.
Either he goes or I go.
Well, I gotta say Pee-wee's owners do pay me slightly more than yours.
Fine.
I'm out of here.
Congratulations, Pee-wee.
Enjoy it till she tosses you aside for the next young pup! Oh.
Well I'm yours.
Which direction are we going? I'm sorry.
I don't walk people.
Uh-huh.
I wish you'd told me that before.
Holly! So, we're offering you a no-cost, and your last installment will be due in November of 2032.
Before you sign this, look it over, see if you have any more questions.
I just need to say hi to a camp friend who stopped by to visit.
Thanks to you, Curt totally avoided me today.
He didn't even get me my Starbucks like he usually does.
Deacon called me an a-hole.
Question for you, do you think it's wrong that we're about to sign a mortgage to live in a house together for 30 years, and it just came out this week that we've nothing in common? We have stuff in common.
Oh, yeah.
We both prefer the company of other people.
We nailed that.
We have stuff in common.
Right? I don't know.
What's all this stuff we have? Well, OK, for one thing, we have a great sex life.
OK, but what about when the sex goes away? Maybe it won't go away.
Oh, please.
Do you realize how brittle your bones will be in 30 years? I'll crush you to dust.
What if we're just sitting across from each other bored to tears, your father's, like, 105, and he's hooked up to some machine in the kitchen, and I can't even get at the waffle maker.
That a pretty picture for ya, huh? Doug, come on.
This is stupid.
We have a lot of stuff in common, a lot.
In fact, you know what? Why don't we each make a list of our 10 favorite things, and if we don't have at least one match, we do not sign these mortgage papers.
Fine.
Actually, let's make it 20.
Number 18.
OK, we got 3 more shots at making a match here.
What do you got? Sunsets.
Sunsets?! What? What do you have? New car smell.
What?! I can't believe you! You see a freakin' sunset every day of your life! New car smell.
Now that's special! All right, all right.
Let's just calm down.
We have 2 more left, all right? All right, number 19.
What do you got? A good book.
Do you wanna live with me or not?! Yes, I wanna live with you.
I love you, you idiot.
Well, I love you, too! Well, if you loved me, you'd wanna go salsa dancing once in a while.
Well, if you loved me, you'd enjoy a nice can of SpaghettiOs from time to time.
Well, if you loved me, you wouldn't have used 2 slots for SpaghettiOs and Beefaroni.
They're different.
If you loved me, you'd know that! OK, you folks ready to sign that mortgage? Not unless our number 20s match.
We got a whole thing going here.
All right, what do you got, sister? You know what? I bet you our number 20s match.
What? That's right.
And even if they don't, it doesn't matter.
Great.
Well, we'll get this all processed, and we'll mail you guys out a copy.
OK, great.
Well, thanks for your help.
Thank you very much.
See ya.
Bye.
Bye.
You really mean that? It doesn't matter? Doug, you can't put this on a list.
Just for kicks, do you wanna say what we had for number 20? You first.
Chamomile tea.
Porno.
Let's go.
So I'm out of the nail place for, like, 5 minutes, and the nail polish on my thumbnail peels off.
So I go back, and I'm like, "Can you fix this please?" And Susie You are everything And everything is you Oh, you are everything And every-- I love you.
Aww.
But the main problem with the Socialist Party in the 1940s is that they didn't tailor their message to the common working man.
Everything was very You are everything And everything is you Oh, you are everything And