The King of Queens s05e07 Episode Script

Flame Resistant

My eyes are gettin' weary My back is gettin' tight I'm sittin' here in traffic On the Queensboro Bridge tonight But I don't care 'cause all I want to do Is cash my check and drive right home to you 'Cause, baby, all my life I will be drivin' home to you God, I love the smell of hot wings.
I know you do, baby.
Why can't they make an air freshener like this? You know, like for the car? Our car has enough food smells in it, don't you think? For milady? Over here.
Whoa! Thank you.
There you go.
And I will just sit down right here.
Actually, right here.
Doug! Well, come on! Let me watch! I'm here, the Jets are on, it's fate! You're here every day, and the place is owned by a retired Jet.
It's not that miraculous.
Now up! Up! All right.
Go, go.
Ow! Next time, it's a steak knife.
Now, sit down.
Fine.
You know, you could try and make conversation with me.
You're right.
You're right.
I'm sorry.
Are you trying to see the reflection of the TV in my eyes? That would be crazy.
Fumble! Doug, come on! Stay with me here.
Stay with me, honey.
Come on.
Please.
I'm trying to enjoy our last moments of freedom before your mom comes into town.
Hey, that's no way to talk about the woman who brought all this into the world.
All right, if she brought all of that into the world, she would be dead.
Hey, you guys get menus? Menus? You're adorable.
Take out your pad.
Doug? Oh, my God.
Margy Colletti! Ohh! Carrie, this is my high school girlfriend.
Margy--Margy, this is my wife Carrie.
Hey, great to meet you.
Nice to meet you, too.
Awkward! Wife meeting ex-girlfriend.
Couldn't be more uncomfortable.
Was he this much of an idiot back in high school? Oh, sure.
He was just like that, but acne.
Ah, yeah.
So, uh what are you doing? I mean, last I heard you were married to some doctor in Connecticut.
Yeah, I was till a couple of months ago.
Now I'm divorced, back here, waiting tables.
Kind of like Cinderella in reverse.
Sweetheart, still waiting on that pie.
Coming.
Hey, by the way, you must be excited that your mom's coming into town.
Yeah, I am.
How'd you know she was coming in? We keep in touch.
Really? Yeah, yeah.
You know, Christmas cards.
Funny e-mails.
Does she send you guys the joke of the day? Uh, no, not since we blocked her from our computer.
So what can I get ya? Well, now that I've heard it out loud, some kind of pie, and any entrée you think will go well before it.
How about a bacon cheeseburger? Welcome home, Margy Colletti.
So? New? I had my annual review at IPS, and it turns out your son is an average worker.
Yeah.
Good for you, Dougie.
You see what happens when you roll your sleeves up? Doug, can I see you for a second? Oh.
Yeah, sure.
What's up? OK, take this out.
Here are the cookies and spoons.
Go, go, go.
Whoa, settle down.
We're still eating.
Well, eat faster.
Carrie, this is a brunch.
"Brunch" means slow lunch.
Well, then we're having "funch" -- Fast lunch.
Come on, if we get done by 12:00, I can make it to spinning, all right? Get mama going! Come on, I put some ice cubes in there so she'll drink it faster.
Go, go! You're never gonna believe who that is.
Margy Colletti.
How did you know? Well, we ran into her yesterday, and I can see her through the window.
Oh, fiddlesticks.
I was gonna surprise ya.
Um, you didn't invite her to eat, did you? Oh, no.
She's just picking me up.
We're going shopping.
Oh.
Hey! Hi, honey! Oh, it's so good to see you! Margy, it's one thing stalking me in a public place, but this is my home, damn it! Yeah, good one, Doug.
So, where you guys headed? Well, I just moved into the Sunrise Apartments, and Janet said she'd help me decorate.
And she's always had such good taste.
Oh, stop.
You do.
I don't.
You do.
She does.
I don't.
OK.
Let's agree to disagree, OK? Well, I guess I do have kind of a flair.
OK, let's hit the mall.
I promise I won't have her back too late.
Bye, kids! Bye.
Oh, Carrie.
Brunch was delightful.
Sorry I had to cut it short.
There you go.
Now you can catch your spinning class.
And don't worry.
Those dirty dishes will be right there when you get back.
What's the matter? Nothing.
I just-- Don't you think it's a little weird your ex-girlfriend's coming around and hanging out with your mom? Here we go again.
I am with you.
I took a vow for God's sakes.
Trust that.
This has nothing to do with you, Doug.
All right? It's about Margy and your mom.
I mean, did you hear those two? "I love you.
" "No, I love you.
" God, I thought they were gonna make out.
Did you just call my mom a lesbian? Doug, come on.
I'm serious.
I mean, your mom shouldn't be running around with Margy.
She should be staying here and having brunch with us.
Wait a second.
You were just trying to get the hell out of here.
Remember "funch"? What the hell happened to funch?! And another thing, she's decorating her apartment? I mean, what-- what's-- She never showed any interest in this place.
She made us those curtains, you threw 'em out.
They had rainbows with pots of gold on them.
And, anyway, that's not even the point! I think it is the point.
The only reason you want mom is 'cause Margy's got her.
What? No! No, I love-- I love spending time with your mom.
And she should love spending time with me.
Well, I gotta tell you, you don't exactly throw out the "hang with me" vibe.
And what is that supposed to mean? Just kind of like Well, at least I don't walk around being huge.
What, you just did the cat thing.
That was just harmless fun.
You're clearly not a cat.
You know, I gotta say I was little surprised that you wanted my help picking out a dress, dear.
Really? Why? I've always liked your sense of style.
Really? Yeah, like look at that pin you're wearing.
What do you got there, an elephant? Oh, yeah.
It's for good luck.
Ah! You know what? It's yours.
No, no, no.
No, no.
That's your elephant.
No, no, I couldn't.
I couldn't.
I couldn't.
I couldn't, really.
Fine.
I know what I'm getting someone for Christmas So, where are we here? Uh, give me a little more information about this function you need the dress for.
Oh, it's a dinner at my boss' house.
We won a lawsuit over clean water.
I'm not sure what side we're on.
Well, you know, if it's a dinner, this could be a way to go.
Yes! That is definitely a way to go.
It is, but how 'bout this? Are you posing for Playboy magazine, dear? No, I am not.
You know, the more I look around, the more I realize this is the one.
Well, OK! If you love it, then I love it.
I love it.
Then I love it.
Well, I'm glad I could help.
I'm glad you can help, too.
Let's just go ahead and ring this bad boy right up, huh? Thank you.
So, after this I think you and I-- Oh, excuse me, dear.
Hello? Oh, hi, Margy.
What's cooking? Uh-huh.
Carrie and I are at the Dress Barn.
We're done, right? Yeah.
Yeah! Yeah, we're done.
So, I'll just shoot right down there.
I'll see you in a few.
What do you want me to do? I want you to talk to your mother.
No, no.
I'm not getting involved.
OK, fine.
I'll talk to her.
Whoa! What are you gonna say? I'm gonna tell her that I don't think it's appropriate that she spends so much time with her son's ex-girlfriend, that it's disrespectful to me.
Yeah, I can't allow that.
Why not? I want this out in the open.
I don't know how you handle problems in your family, but in my family, we sweep 'em under the rug, then we eat.
It's worked for generations.
Tough.
I'm talking to her.
Carrie, you can't.
I think it's a bad idea.
Look, my mom will be upset, and she'll start to cry.
And when she cries, she doesn't just cry, OK? She blubbers.
And she'll continue blubbering until you sweep the problem back under the rug where all serious problems belong.
All right, fine.
You talk to Margy.
You want me to sit down with my ex-- alone-- and talk? Yeah.
Just me and a former lover.
You're not worried about that? Yeah, I think I'll roll those dice.
Hey, Margy.
Hey, Doug! You here for Finger Fest? No.
No, actually, I came down here to talk to you about something.
Hey, is Finger Fest instead of Wing Madness or in addition to? Not sure.
I'm just a waitress.
You know, I'm kinda out of the loop creatively.
Keep me posted.
Hey, look.
Didn't we have our first date in this booth? Yeah, actually we did.
We came here after we saw a 4-foot black man change the face of music in Purple Rain.
Great movie.
I showed you a pretty sweet evening that night, huh? Yeah, you did.
Until you shot your straw wrapper at me and scratched my cornea.
I probably should've known at that point that we weren't meant to be.
You know when I knew we weren't meant to be? When you started cheating on me with Ricky LeDouche.
It's Ricky LeDoux, and I only got together with him because it was obvious you weren't serious about me.
That's not true.
I wrote that song about you, for God's sakes.
Again with that stupid song.
You told me for 2 years that you were gonna write it.
I did! Then how come I never heard it? Because while I was putting the finishing touches on it, you were rolling around with LeDouche.
LeDoux, it's LeDoux.
And by the way, that nickname really hurt his feelings.
LeDouche is sad! OK, fine.
Sing me the song you wrote.
I told you I never got a chance to completely finish it.
Yeah, you were pretty good at not finishing things, weren't ya? You never finished fixing up your car, you never finished college-- I wrote the song! Sure you did.
I gotta get back to work.
Margy, I wrote the song, OK?! Hey, is Finger Fest instead of Wing Madness? I thought we were gonna watch the game.
Where the hell is it? You know, I'm sitting here by myself.
Haven't been offered any refreshments! I can't right now, OK? I'm looking for this love song I wrote to Margy Colletti.
Margy Colletti? The one whose cornea you destroyed? OK, I didn't destroy it.
She had to wear an eye patch for a semester.
Big whoop.
Hey, would you look in that box right there? What do you gotta look for this now? Because she doesn't believe I wrote it, OK? She was so smug about it, too.
"Oh, you never finish anything.
" Yeah.
She's obviously never eaten with you.
Ha ha ha ha.
Look in there, OK? Any cassettes? Yeah, yeah.
Let's see.
We got Cheap Trick Live at Budokan, 1-2-3 Spanish, and The Margy Song.
That's it.
That's it! Here we go.
Sweet vindica-she-eeone.
Check 1, check 2.
OK, here we go.
It's October 12, 1984, and this is The Margy Song by Doug "The Boss" Heffernan.
The Margy Song.
Margy Song.
All right, a song for Margy.
Margy girl My heart's in a a whirl Oh, yeah! Margy! Margy! Margy! Margy! Margy! Margy! Margy! Margy! OK, I'm gonna take a short break.
To be continued.
OK, maybe she was right.
Maybe I didn't finish it.
Crap.
Margy girl My heart's in a whirl Tonight Yeah, it was something like, uh Then it was Saw you in gym Lookin' real trim Tonight I can't remember it.
Damn it! Why are you even doing this? Because I don't want to give her the satisfaction of thinking I didn't write the song, OK? If you're gonna help me, help me.
If not, get out of here.
All right, fine.
But I think if you're gonna do this, we should open up the box a little.
What do you got? Well, it's supposed to be something from the eighties.
So why don't we synth-rock this baby and see where she takes us? Margy Margy, I'm scared of you M-M-Margy I'm afraid of you, afraid of you M-M-Margy, you thrill me The dirty things that you do to me Margy, you so dirty, dirty, dirty Margy Let's close the box.
OK, I've only gotten awards for karaoke, but whatever.
Hey, Doug.
Did you, uh-- Did you talk to Margy? Yeah.
Yeah, I did.
Uh And is she gonna stay away from your mom? I don't know.
I did my best, but I'm not sure it sunk in.
She's pretty attached.
Really? Mmm.
Unbelievable.
Friggin' Margy just can't stay away from her little advice whore.
Did you just call my mom a whore? I gotta go.
I gotta go to my boss' dinner.
I'll see you guys later.
What are you doing with the keyboard? Uh Doug's helping me write a couple of songs for the IPS follies.
I'm, uh, musical director.
I actually am.
Janet.
What are you doing? Oh, pardon me.
I'm just trying to pick a color for Margy's bedroom.
Something like this might be nice.
You mind if she comes over and takes a look? All right.
You know what? We gotta talk.
About what, dear? Janet, I'm your daughter-in-law, and you're just spending all this time with Margy.
You know? I'm just wondering if maybe you would've been happier if Doug would've married her.
Oh, my God.
What have I done? OK.
Whoa.
OK.
Uh No, no, no.
It's--it's really--it's not just you.
You know, I could've tried harder, you know? I Wow.
Doug wasn't kidding.
Here, here.
Why don't you-- Here, probably softer than that fabric swatch.
Thank you.
Oh, Carrie.
I am so, so, so sorry.
I never meant to make you feel badly.
No, I know you didn't, but but you did.
But it's OK! But it's OK now! It really is OK.
Listen to me, darling.
Margy is a very sweet person, but make no mistake, you are my daughter-in-law.
No.
My daughter.
Thank you, Janet.
Mom.
And Margy is just gonna have to finish decorating her apartment without me.
My time is for you.
Well, thank you, Janet.
That means a lot to me.
All right, I'm gonna get dressed for that dinner, Mom.
All right, sweetheart.
You're not gonna wear the dress we bought together? Oh, no.
I was just yanking this for the dry cleaners.
It's gotta go to the dry cleaners.
Oh, here it is.
I'm gonna wear this.
Oh, I'll give you some privacy.
Oy.
Hello? Oh, hi, Margy.
No.
No, dear, I absolutely can't come over now.
All right.
Fine, fine.
But I can only stay for 5 minutes.
Hey.
Ohh! You look beautiful.
You're gonna get some compliments tonight.
Yeah.
I'm sure people will be talking about it.
Hey, you going someplace? Uh, yes.
Uh I--I've got to go pick up some diabetes medicine for my Uncle Norman.
Right.
So, uh, well, have a wonderful evening.
Thanks.
Uncle Norman, my ass.
I would definitely go with the blue.
Now, darling, I really do have to get going.
Oh, no, just stay a few more minutes.
You haven't even touched your wine.
A few minutes, fine.
Carrie? Oh, my God! Carrie, it's not what you think.
Oh, no? She needed me.
I'm just in and out to help with the couch and the carpet.
And to polish off a bottle of chardonnay, I see.
Get your coat.
We're going home.
Really, it's not what you think-- Coat, now, Mom.
Well, can't she just stay to help me pick out the tiles? OK, listen to me, sweetheart.
You had a mother-in-law and you blew it, OK? This one's mine, so mitts off.
What? What? Hello? You're through, OK? You're out of our lives.
Margy girl, my heart's in a whirl Tonight I need you bad, oh, Margy I need you so, oh, Margy girl Before we met, nothing in my life was right OK, you finished it.
But all that changed with Margy You've blown away-- oh, Carrie Ladies.
Margy girl, my heart's in a whirl tonight I need you bad, oh, Margy I need you so, oh, Margy girl Before we met, nothing in my life was right But all that changed with Margy You've blown me away, oh, Margy Remember when we met between math and Spanish You were all woman And what was I? Well, let me tell you what I was I was mannish You were never lookin' finer Than the night we went to Winky's Diner We had onion rings that were fried With love on the side I knew my single days were over Ridin' in your Chevy Nova Margy, if you ever said good-bye I'd just lay down and die