The King of Queens s05e12 Episode Script

Jung Frankenstein

My eyes are gettin' weary My back is gettin' tight I'm sittin' here in traffic On the Queensboro Bridge tonight But I don't care, 'cause all I wanna do Is cash my check and drive right home to you 'Cause, baby, all my life I will be drivin' home to you Morning, chief.
Hey, Artie.
Whoa.
Whatcha makin' there? A stack of flapjacks? Batter pies? Griddle hoppers? Yes, or as we like to call them on this planet-- pancakes.
You, uh, you want some? No, thanks.
Those things cork me up pretty good.
Hey.
Pancakes?! Yeah.
Sausage, too? What--what happened to your diet? Uh, not sure, really.
I think it got lost in the shuffle somewhere around Tuesday.
Well, for God's sakes, eat a light lunch today, will you? What is the point of that? You can't resurrect a diet on a Friday afternoon.
It's crazy.
Just eat light, OK? The Finkels are taking us to a nice restaurant before the theater tonight.
Finkels? The theater? What just happened here?! I told you about this last week.
Sandy Finkel works for one of the senior partners, and she likes me, and it's good for me to have a friend upstairs.
And for that I've got to sit through an entire play? What are we seeing anyway? The Iceman Cometh.
What?! How do you even know you won't like it? Cometh, Carrie.
Cometh! Hey, man.
What have you got there, a salad? Yeah, I'm eating light.
I got a dinner thing tonight.
What's going on here? Egg-roll-eating contest.
That's your seat, Mary.
It's the best time of a man's life.
Great thing about you, Harry, how young you've stayed.
Get my things from the laundry.
They must still have 'em.
What the hell is going on in there? I'm sorry.
My stomach's a little upset.
A little?! You're making this place smell like a refinery.
The Finkels are staring.
Look, I'm trying to burp towards you.
Gee, thanks so much.
OK, look, I had some not-great egg rolls for lunch, OK? I told you to eat light.
How many did you have? It was a contest, OK? And I won by a landslide, not that you even care, OK? OK, you know what? Stop doing that.
I--I can't help it.
Help it.
I can't, Carrie! I ate 5 pounds of deep-fried cabbage.
My pants are too tight.
I'm sitting in a hot, enclosed space.
It's The Perfect Storm.
Then just go home.
Really? Yes.
I will make an excuse for you.
Just take the subway, and I will see you later.
OK, I love you.
Get lost.
Same applies to Harry himself and his 2 cronies at the bar.
Hello, darling.
Hey, Daddy.
Hey, sorry I had to bail tonight, but definitely the right move.
Things got a lot worse on the subway.
What is that? This? A Yodel.
A Yodel.
Yeah, a Yodel.
Not to be confused with the very similar but far less satisfying Ho-Ho.
So let me get this straight.
You had to walk out on me tonight because you ate yourself into a burping stupor, and now you're stuffing your face full of chocolate-covered lard? It's not lard.
It's cream, and it's gently coating my stomach.
You think this is funny? No.
It's ironic.
I mean I can't even get mad at you anymore, Doug! You're just too pathetic! Until you get yourself some help, don't even talk to me.
Get myself some help? What does that even mean? What does it mean? You need therapy, Doug.
You need a trained professional to sit and talk with you and help you understand why you live your life like a raccoon in a Dumpster.
How can you eat that after what she just said?! She's just upset, OK? I'm going back on my diet tomorrow.
Oh, yes.
"I'll fix everything tomorrow.
" The all too familiar refrain of the addict.
Addict? Come on.
No, I won't come on.
You got a serious problem, young man, and you gotta face it.
OK, I wasn't gonna eat it that time.
Listen to me, Douglas.
I know from whence I speak.
I've had the monkey on my back, too.
That's right.
Arthur Spooner was addicted.
To what? Nasal spray.
All right.
I tell you, with that sweet stuff in me, I could breathe through my nose like I never dreamed possible! Fantastic feeling.
And I chased that feeling through 8 jobs and 2 marriages.
If it wasn't for methadone, I'd be on it to this day.
So, basically, this process involves taking a journey into your early childhood traumas to discover and hopefully modify the unconscious desires that cause you to overeat.
Right, right.
And is this something that can be wrapped up today or You were 15 minutes late, So probably not.
Tha--Uh I'm getting the impression that you--you don't have a lot of confidence in this process.
It's just that, you know, I kind of think that if I ate less and hopped on a treadmill, it might help more than sitting here staring at a bowl full of Hershey Kisses.
May I? Oh, I'm sorry.
I meant to put those away.
It's just my--my tax guy was here earlier, and, well, he--he likes to have something sweet.
Uh, Doug, when you eat those, can you tell me just-- what are you feeling? To be honest, like they're a couple Halloweens past their prime.
Um but I was more wondering when--when you're--when you eat, how do you feel emotionally? Uh, do you think that you seek out food when you're angry, depressed, elated? Yes, I do.
Oh, which? Those, the ones you just said there.
But I would add to the list scared and bored.
Scared and bored.
And itchy.
And itchy? No! So.
Huh? Huh? Check it out.
Another healthy breakfast? You're a madman.
And watch this.
I'm full, so now I'm gonna stop.
You know, I've heard about people doing that, but I always thought it was just urban legend.
Honey, I am really proud of you.
So this therapy, it's working, huh? Oh, yeah.
In fact, Dr.
Wagner's got me keeping a food journal.
Helps me connect my emotions to my eating.
Yeah? May I? All right, but don't laugh, 'cause some of it's a little fruity.
Let's see here.
Uh, "Thursday, 9:30 A.
M.
"Thinking of stopping for a cheesesteak.
"Feeling depressed and humiliated because Supervisor O'Boyle called me a" What's this? "Llama ass"? "Lame-ass.
" Ah! "A lame-ass in front of the other drivers, "but I'm not a lame-ass, and I don't need that cheesesteak.
" Good for you, baby.
Thank you.
"10:07 A.
M.
: Wanted a sausage calzone.
Got one and ate it.
" That was just the first day.
I didn't want to shock my system.
I gotta tell you, honey.
I mean, I've seen you diet before, but you've got a different look in your eye this time.
Yeah.
Yeah.
This time it's the real deal.
I can feel it.
Just don't let me lose too much weight, 'cause I don't have a thin-guy head.
I'm on it.
This is it.
This is where the magic happens.
Oh, I am liking what I'm seeing.
Actually, the magic happens in there.
This is basically "the looney bull pen.
" Oh, hi, Doug.
Hey, Dr.
Wagner.
This is my wife Carrie.
Hi.
Pleased to meet you.
Oh, same here.
Hey, we just went out to dinner, and guess what? She ate more than me.
Yeah.
I had a salad, half a sandwich, and an iced tea.
Who is this guy? I don't know.
I have no idea.
So, you all set to-- Yeah.
I'm just gonna use the men's room.
And then you go back to work on me.
This guy, I'm telling you, he's amazing.
I wish--I wish I had more problems for him to fix.
I'll tell you that much.
You've got a good man there.
Yeah, good man.
Question.
Uh, do you have a sec? I--I suppose so.
Oh, OK.
Uh, what if Doug did have other problems to fix? Hypothetically, could you just kind of throw those in there while you're talking about the weight thing? Uh, sure, of course.
I mean, my job is to steer the ship wherever the patient needs it to go.
Yeah, you know where you might want to steer things: Doug's TV problem.
He watches it a lot, kinda got a zombie thing goin' on there.
Think you can spend some time with him on that? Uh, I--I--I could, but Doug would have to bring it up.
Ah, yes, I would never want you to push it there.
You know, obviously, you know what you're doing.
You're a very talented man.
Oh.
Thank you.
Yeah, I mean it.
I mean, it's like, obviously, y-y-you have, like, a gift for this kind of work.
I just kind of took to it in med school.
Oh, yeah? Yeah, yeah.
Yes.
Which is good, 'cause I could never memorize the names of all those bones.
Oh, yeah? The names, they're so similar.
Yes, they are similar! Yes! Anyway, whatever you can do about the TV thing, that would be great.
Um, yeah, but you know, it's really up to Doug, though.
Yeah, yeah, it's just that Doug might need a little a little nudge, you know? Like just a little bitty little nudge.
Well, I-- I just don't-- Are your eyes brown or hazel? I can't-- Steel blue.
Steel blue.
Fantastic.
My mother would make dinner for me every night, but after she got that job at the community center, she stopped.
I was only 7 years old.
You must have felt somewhat abandoned.
Yeah, exactly, I felt completely abandoned.
I mean, she only worked every other Tuesday, but still, longest month of my life.
So, uh, what did you do on those, uh, nights until she got home? I don't know.
I watched TV or-- Oh, God, I used to rip the head off my G.
I.
Joe doll and I'd stick it on top of a ketchup bottle and make him bleed through the ears.
It was awesome.
Well, speaking of TV Hey.
Hey, baby.
How was your session? Great.
On my way home, I walked down Austin Street, or as I like to call it, doughnut alley, and I never broke stride.
Oh, well, that's great! So you're probably really tired.
You just want to relax and just watch some TV, huh? You know what? I don't think so.
No TV? But you love TV, honey.
Yeah, I love it too much.
In fact, we talked about it in the last part of my session.
About TV? Mm-hmm.
How odd.
You--you sure you don't want to watch TV? No.
All right.
You want to, uh, want to read a book? Whoa.
Baby steps.
Hello.
I got some shampoo, uh, Playboy magazine, and a couple of these.
Need a price check on Nostrin nasal decongestant, That's all right.
Just charge me whatever you want.
Nostrin nasal spray.
Can I get a price check, please? It's for a friend.
All right, baby.
Have a good time.
OK, I'll see you at home.
Psst! One sec.
Uh, I-I-I'll be with you in just a moment.
Hi.
I just wanted to say great job on the TV thing.
You are like the Michael Jordan of psychotherapy.
No, no, no.
Karl Malone, maybe.
It's just that now that Doug's watching a lot less TV, we're having a lot more sexual time, which is good, but it could be better.
That's where you come in.
Hey.
Hey, Deac.
What are you doing here? I'm taking Doug to his therapy session.
You are? Mm-hmm.
But--but I always do that.
Uh, yeah, but we're going to the driving range after.
See, now that he's dropped a few pounds, he can actually see the ball on the tee.
Damn, but I really need to talk to his therapist.
I need you to do me a favor.
OK, uh, what's the favor? Give this to the guy, and whatever you do, do not let Doug see it.
OK.
What is it? It's a recipe.
For clam chowder.
You don't have to read it, sweetie.
It's normal stuff, you know, clams, potatoes.
"Doug needs to be more spontaneous.
" Uh, "Less pouty.
" What is this? All right, it's it's a list for his therapist, things I want Doug to work on.
I kinda do it to nudge his therapy in the right direction.
And Doug doesn't know this? No! If he knew about it, he wouldn't go for it.
I mean, he needs to think it's coming from the therapist.
Why? Is that a horrible thing to do? Hand me the pen.
So, in the dream, this weird red object kept appearing, and I couldn't get away from it no matter what I did.
What do you think it was? Dr.
Wagner? Huh? Huh? What? The weird red thing in my dream, what do you think it was? Oh, that.
Clearly, that represents, uh pizza? But it was square.
Chicago-style pizza in a pan.
You know, Doug, we're--we're running a little low on time here.
What do you say we shift the focus of the session to some other issues that you might want to deal with? Like maybe a lack of spontaneity or poutiness.
Are you pouty, Doug? I really want to talk about the dream some more.
Uh-huh.
I really don't think there's much there, Doug.
Um, why don't we focus more on paying your gambling debts or why you won't return your friend's Sting CD? Why--why do you keep looking at that paper for? Oh, this? Oh, this is nothing.
I'm just--This is some notes I'm making for a journal article that I'm lying to you about, Doug.
I can't do this.
I'm sorry.
I just can't do this.
What? You know what? Just-- Would you tell your wife that I did not go to medical school for 6 years to be giving therapy off the back of a Visa bill, all right? Damn it, Doug, I've won awards.
I think I need some time to myself.
Hey, hey! So, am I getting my CD? I can't believe it was you.
This whole time it was you who was trying to change me.
I'm sorry.
You weren't supposed to find out.
Of course not.
The puppet's not supposed to know there's a hand up his puppet chute! All right, look.
Maybe my methods were a little bit questionable, but I was only trying to help you.
I just wanted to help you become a happier person.
Really? Really? And how is not singing along with the car radio going to make me happier? That's one of his.
You never know the damn words, man.
OK, you know what? You can leave now.
As soon as I get my CD.
It's by the stereo, OK? The case is kind of cracked.
I can't believe you.
I mean, why'd you even marry me if you hate everything about me? I don't.
Oh, please.
You've been feeding this guy your complaints for a month.
I should've just strapped a suggestion box to my ass, saved you the trip.
Doug, when this whole thing started, my only agenda was that you stop overeating.
I promise you.
But then I thought, you know, as long as the car is in the shop The car? The car? That's what I am to you? A car I love.
The only car I ever want to drive.
Look.
Why'd you have to talk to the shrink? Why couldn't you just come to me? Because I don't know how to fix a car.
You know? For your sake, I wanted to make sure that you were properly serviced.
That's all? You just wanted to make sure I was properly serviced? Exactly.
OK, well, then I'll see you upstairs for a jiffy lube.
And bring ice cream for after! Oh.
Good night, darling.
Good night, Dad.
What have I become? Hey! What the devil do you think you're doing?! Buying nasal spray.
Not if I have anything to say about it.
But I have a cold.
Liar! I just saved your life!