The King of Queens s05e13 Episode Script

Attention Deficit

My eyes are gettin' weary My back is gettin' tight I'm sittin' here in traffic On the Queensboro Bridge tonight But I don't care, 'cause all I want to do Is cash my check and drive right home to you 'Cause, baby, all my life I will be drivin' home to you Hey, Lou.
Hey, Carrie.
Everything OK? You seem a little down.
Ah, it's just this, uh, thing at work.
They brought in some consultant to evaluate all of us.
I get my pounding tomorrow.
I bet you're gonna do great.
That's sweet.
Thanks, Lou.
Hey, babe.
Come here, come here, quick.
Pick a card.
Come on.
Oh, no.
Come on, honey.
I'm not in the mood.
Not in the mood? You sure you wanna use that one up on a card trick? Fine.
Aren't the cards supposed to be facing down? Why, the little lady's right, so let's turn 'em over.
Oh! Who is this? That's you.
It's 52 of me.
I made 'em up special for my Super Bowl party.
Aren't they great? Mm-hmm.
Hey, look what happens when you flip through them.
I don't move, just like real life.
Oh, please don't tell me we're out of Advil.
Yeah, I think we are.
Why? What's the matter with you? I'm getting a migraine.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Oh, it's this freakin' evaluation at work tomorrow.
You know, I'm gonna go upstairs and lay down.
Could you do me a favor and bring me that heat wrap? You have to put it in the microwave for, like, 3 minutes.
I was gonna nuke myself a hot pocket, but you go right to the head of the line.
Oh, uh, quick question vis-à-vis my Super Bowl blowout.
No, honey.
I can't focus on that right now-- But just real quick.
Since the living room TV is being fixed, can I bring the big screen in from the garage? Doug! I'm sorry.
You head on up.
I'll see you in 3.
Doug? Shh! What are you doing?! Oh, I--I guess it needs another couple minutes.
Gentlemen, a little Super Bowl party update.
I'll be introducing a few new recipes this year.
Let's just say I found a way that guacamole can get you drunk.
Talkin' about a guaca-tini! Hello? Cool.
Is there some sort of problem, or Well, thing is, Barry, the new guy from the loading dock he's having a Super Bowl party, too.
Barry, from the loading dock? He's a good guy.
Yeah, he's a good guy who looks over at me when I pee.
Well, maybe he's, uh, never seen someone pee while eating a sandwich.
Come on, the Super Bowl party is my thing.
Hey, who else offers you a different theme every year, huh? Well, yeah, yeah.
Last year it was, uh, bring your own meat, bread, and chair.
And then there was the year you hired the stripper.
He was great.
How was I supposed to know? His name was Sandy.
You know what? You guys are just threatened by a man who's comfortable with his body.
Come on, it's gonna be great this year.
Any other issues? You never offer any healthy alternatives.
What's with you people? Deac, will you tell these idiots they're coming to my Super Bowl party? Yeah, um about that You're bailing?! Well, I got my kids this weekend.
So? So, Barry's gonna have a petting zoo.
A petting zoo.
Oh, that's a great idea, yeah.
I hope you like cutting your kid's finger out of a llama's belly.
And it's just one game.
I mean, don't we watch enough sports together? The Super Bowl party is my annual thing, man.
It's tradition! Guy, you've had it like 3 of the last 8 years.
OK, so I haven't had it every year, but I've had it more often than not.
No, it's less often than not.
Look, I'll tell you what.
If you can get something together that's halfway entertaining for my kids, then I'll show up.
Thank you.
And I expect the same from all of you, understand? Could you at least pick up a fruit platter? All right, you're out of control.
Hey, Lou.
Hey, Carrie.
Oh, hey.
How was your evaluation? Oh, uh, it actually got postponed to tomorrow, but that was so sweet of you to ask.
No problem.
Hey, babe.
How was your day? It was good.
Yeah, my day was pretty crazy, too.
So, got a little dilemma here.
I'm looking for the perfect mozzarella stick for my party.
Problem is, I like the cheese from Fanelli's, but the breading from Sorisi's Pizza.
Well, the important thing is not to panic.
Wait, it gets worse.
Best marinara dipping sauce? Cooper's.
It's crazy.
OK, well, good luck with that.
Guess I'll go start dinner, unless you had anything else you wanna say about your day or mine.
I'm sorry.
You want a cheese stick? No.
By the way, if you're wondering how my evaluation went today at work, you can just go next door and ask Lou Ferrigno.
You know what? I was just gonna ask you about that.
Oh, yeah? When? After you work through your big dipping sauce crisis? OK, I forgot.
OK? I'm sorry.
Oh, that's funny because Lou Ferrigno didn't forget.
Apparently he cares more about me than my own husband does.
Good to know.
Oh, come on.
Lou--He has to be nice.
He's a giant.
If he wasn't nice, he'd have villagers coming after him with torches.
Oh, please.
Just tell me how it went.
It got postponed.
Postponed? Then why are you yelling at me? Because you didn't know that.
Yeah, but I sensed it.
You and I, we have an unspoken bond.
It's like we don't even have to ask.
We just know.
We're like twins.
We're like twins.
We should switch clothes and try to fool people.
OK, it slipped my mind.
It happened this one time.
This one time? OK, how about last night when it just slipped your mind that I was upstairs with one of the worst headaches I've had in my life, and you're down here building a house of cards.
Yeah, if you want to bring up ancient history.
The point is I love you.
Come here.
Oh, please, please.
I think you're blowing this way out of proportion here! I don't think I am, Doug.
Uh, let me ask you a question.
Do you think about me, you know, throughout your day, when we're not together? Do you think about me at all? Of course I do.
Yeah? Like when? What are your thoughts? That you're pretty.
Oh, OK, and I guess all you do is sit around all day just thinking about me.
No, I don't sit around all day thinking about you, Doug, but I do think about you a lot.
Oh, yeah? OK, well, give me an example of one of these times when you're thinking of me.
Go ahead.
Take all the time you need, Toots.
Well, you know how you've been having all these dentist appointments for your impacted molars? Yeah.
What about them? OK, well, when I know you're sitting in that chair, I am thinking of you because I know you're nervous, and I am hoping that you are OK.
Like you have one at 2:00 tomorrow, right? I will be sitting at my desk thinking about you because you're my husband and I love you.
That's the best you got? Hey.
All right, so talk to me about this Super Bowl party, Doug.
Huh? Oh, it's, uh, it's coming right along.
Really? 'Cause Barry just announced he's getting a Ben and Jerry's cart, and my kids got wind of it.
You know what I think? I think Barry's trying a little too hard to get children to come to his house.
Just tell me what you got planned, all right? Well, unlike Barry, I don't need to showboat, OK? Let's just say it's gonna be pretty sweet.
Ooh, yeah.
I knew it.
You got nothing.
You know what? We're going to Barry's party.
OK, you wanna know what we got? We got a haunted house in the garage.
Way to ruin the surprise.
A haunted house? Yeah, a haunted house, with skeletons and a-- a bowl full of eyeballs.
Very scary stuff.
If I were you, I'd pack 'em extra underoos.
All right, I guess we'll come.
OK, are we done talking about your precious offspring? 'Cause, believe it or not, I actually have other things on my mind.
Oh, yeah? Like what? Last night, Carrie and I had this big fight about how I forgot to ask her about her evaluation at work, and how she's always thinking about what's going on in my life.
She told you that? Yeah.
Like when I'm at the dentist, she said she's feeling all bad for me.
What do you mean? Women love to talk about how much they think about you.
It's a big scam.
You know what they're really thinking about? What? Chick crap.
You know, throw pillows and lotions and private schools and Lenny Kravitz and fat-free sour cream.
But not you, babe.
Oh, no.
All right.
How much should I discount what you're saying because you're coming off a very bitter divorce? You know what? You still make a point.
Where you going? We'll just see how much she thinks about me.
- You're kidding me.
- No.
Ugh, he couldn't be grosser.
Oh, I know.
I know.
Then I'm desperately trying to get away.
Well, well, well.
Excuse me one second.
Doug, what are you doing here? Well, I just thought I'd pay you a little visit at 2:00 when I'm supposed to be having my dentist appointment.
What? Yeah, you know, when you said you were gonna be thinking of me.
Oh, my God.
Yeah, I guess laughing it up with your little pajama party is how you feel my pain.
How touching.
OK, let me get this straight.
You actually came down here to catch me not thinking of you? That's right.
What about your dentist appointment? I canceled it.
Good plan, Doug.
Let another day's worth of food get stuck in there because I can't get enough of watching you work that thing with your tongue.
Ah, you know what? Don't try to make this about my mouth, OK? This is about the fact that you are no better than I am, sister.
You know what you are? You're a hypocrite.
Hypocrite? Pretty big word there.
Yeah, I checked it.
It's right.
All right, Doug.
You know what? OK, you caught me.
You caught me.
At exactly 2:00, no, I was not thinking about you.
Hmm! But at my lunch hour, I did go and get you the Jackie Chan movie you've been wanting to see because I knew you'd need a little pick-me-up.
Shanghai Noon.
He's in the old west in this one.
And then I went by that deli and got you that soup that you like because I knew your mouth would hurt.
If you don't believe me, it's in the refrigerator over there.
No, I--I believe you.
Yeah, you know what, Doug? If you put this much energy into thinking about me once in a while that you put into trying to catch me, you'd avoid the kind of humiliation you're feeling right now.
Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
Well, I'm gonna get back to work.
I have my evaluation at 5:00.
That's today? Yeah.
Hey, good luck.
So I'm looking over the supply orders for the past year, and I'm noticing that your invoices are pretty high.
Oh, well, what can I tell ya? Highliters, post-its, they're my weakness.
I buy extras so we don't run out.
I see you haven't taken any of the legal research seminars that the firm offers on Saturday mornings.
Well, no.
I have not done that.
Hello? Could you hold on a second? It's your husband.
Could you tell him I'll call him back? I'm sorry.
She'll have to call you back.
He says he really needs to talk to you.
Hello? What's going on, Doug? I'm thinking of you.
OK, thank you.
Gotta run.
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
Look, I just wanna say I'm sorry about everything before, and I know you're gonna do great on your evaluation.
Hey, if you get nervous, just picture the guy dressed up like a big baby.
Actually, um, hon, I'm in my evaluation right now.
Oh, OK, well, I'll let ya go.
Knock 'em dead and remember, I'm thinking of you.
Doug? Carrie! Carrie! Coming! This thing's giving me wet heat.
The doctor said I'm supposed to have dry heat.
It is dry heat.
You're sitting on a juice box.
Honey, why are you still trying to have this party? I mean, you were in a car accident.
Why don't you just call the guys and cancel? I can't.
Then they'll all go to Barry's.
So? So he hosts one successful party, I'm out of the picture for good.
The I.
party scene is very cutthroat.
Look, just help me out here, OK? You're doing a beautiful job.
Oh, oh.
What? Nothing.
It's just that those Doritos, they're cool ranch.
And? And you already put out nacho cheese.
Well, remember? I feature a different chip every quarter.
We went over this.
You know what? Don't worry about it.
It's fine, it's fine.
That's right.
It is fine.
All right, so, I got everything-- the chips, the ice, the sandwiches, the subs.
Anything else? Nope.
Everything else looks great.
Now just zip the big screen on in here, and we're good to go.
What? By myself? The thing weighs, like, It's on wheels.
It's like pushing a shopping cart.
Doug, you have a bunch of guys coming over here, one of whom is Lou Ferrigno, the world's strongest man.
Excuse me.
Being strong is his job.
You don't ask a heart surgeon to open you up on his day off.
What's happening? It's stuck.
It's too heavy.
You know what? You're not gonna move it like that.
You gotta get lower.
You gotta push with your legs.
Well, hello.
I see somebody wore their lucky Super Bowl thong.
All right, you know what'd help me move this TV? If you would shut your Doritos chute.
Hey, hey, hey, hey.
Not sure why I'm catching so much attitude.
Remember, I only hurt my back 'cause I called to say I was thinking of you.
And once again, very sweet, but here's a little tip.
Next time you think of me, pull over.
Oh! Are you trying to say all this is my fault? Oh, so sorry I was trying to put you in a good place for your evaluation.
Oh, yeah.
Really put me in a good place when I heard the crunching of metal and the phone going dead.
Really, really took the edge off.
None of this would have happened in the first place if you hadn't freaked out 'cause I don't think about you 24-7.
Oh, OK.
I'm sorry.
In the future, I'll just go to Lou Ferrigno for all my emotional needs.
Oh, you just love your Lou Ferrigno, don't ya? You know what? Maybe when he comes over, you guys can go off alone and hold each other.
"Oh, how was your day?" "How was your day?" "They were mean to me at work.
" "Somebody dropped a dumbbell on my toe.
" OK, that's it.
Have a great party.
Wait, Car! Where ya going?! What about my TV?! Ow.
Aah! Oh, my-- Ohh! Ohh! All right.
Oh, my God.
Oh, God.
You didn't unplug it! What just happened? Well, the gray team intercepted the ball from the slightly less gray team.
Come on.
It's black and white.
We're kickin' it old school.
Oh, and by the way, guys, we're 3 minutes away from a new chip coming out.
Chip change! Chip change! Nice haunted house, man.
I walk in, and my kids are playing with jumper cables and an open can of turpentine.
I gotta tell ya, sounds pretty scary to me.
I'm going to Barry's.
Oh, Deac, come on, man.
Whoo, I thought he'd never leave, huh? I mean, who brings kids to a Super Bowl party? Loser! You know, if we leave now, we can get to Barry's by the second quarter.
Let's go.
We're going to Barry's.
Oh, oh, come on! See ya later, Doug.
All right, fine.
Leave, but know this.
You walk out now, it's a lifetime ban, my friends, and that includes my Stanley Cup sleep-over.
Just go! Are you sure? Yes.
Feel better, buddy.
Oh, by the way, how did Carrie's evaluation go? It was fine.
I'm glad.
Hey, where did everybody go? They left.
If I could walk, I'd go to Barry's, too.
Oh, they didn't stay long.
They weren't shy about eating, though.
Oh, man, they ate all the mini eggrolls.
Actually, there are 3 left.
I know you like 'em, so I put 'em aside for you.
You did? That was sweet.
Where are they? I got 'em right here.
I've been keeping 'em-- I've been keeping 'em warm next to my body like a mother hen.
Dipping sauce.
You did save these for me, right? Oh, yeah, yeah.
I mean, I put 3 aside 'cause I couldn't quite remember exactly how many you like to eat, whether it was 3 or one.
I'm gonna get a drink.
Wait, don't bother.
Here ya go.
Hey, man.
Ready to go to lunch? Yeah, just give me a second.
I'm trying to set aside a little time every day to think about Carrie.
And you can't do that in the truck? Just give me a sec.
You were always on my mind You were always on my mind You were always on my mind You were always on my mind