The King of Queens s05e16 Episode Script

Golden Moldy

My eyes are gettin' weary My back is gettin' tight I'm sittin' here in traffic On the Queensboro Bridge tonight But I don't care, 'cause all I want to do Is cash my check and drive right home to you 'Cause, baby, all my life I will be drivin' home to you I gotta tell ya, Mike, that is one beautiful country club.
Yeah, I'm glad I could take you out, man.
Say, you really love your golf.
Well, of all the major sports, it's the closest to just sitting down.
Seriously, thanks again, man.
Yeah, well, thank you for watching our place next week while we're on vacation.
That's what neighbors are for.
Oh, and by the way, in case of emergency, how do I turn on the hot tub? There's a dial on the wall, go to town.
Sweet.
That resort you guys are going to sounds pretty awesome.
St.
Croix? It's incredible.
I'm gonna play golf in the morning, lie on the beach in the afternoon, and eat and drink all night.
Yuspa.
Oh, hey, guys.
How was golfing? Fantastic.
And F.
Y.
I.
, if I ever leave you, it'll be for Mike.
You're free to leave at any point.
Oh, hey, Deb.
Hi.
Hey, good, you guys are back.
What's up? Honey, I just got off the phone with Claudia.
Craig has to fly to Chicago next week for some case.
What about our trip? They can't go.
I can't believe it! The Ostermans were supposed to go with us to St.
Croix.
Oh, that's too bad.
Listen, would you call the hotel and change the reservations? The package we got was for 4.
Oh, right.
Hey, listen, would you guys have any interest in coming with us? Us? Yeah.
Sure! Are you sure you're not asking us 'cause we just happen to be standing here and it's awkward? No, we would love to have you.
Really? Yes, absolutely.
Are you sure? Yes! What difference does it make? We'll have a great time whether they really want us there or not.
We do.
And, anyway, if this guy doesn't have a golf buddy, he's gonna drag me along.
Would you guys be able to get off work? Well, I do have a lot of vacation time built up.
And my job can be done by a monkey.
These are the brochures for the resort.
They have all the information, prices, stuff like that.
Look 'em over, and just let us know.
It'll be a good time.
OK.
Well, we'll call you guys later.
OK.
All right.
Bye.
Wow! This place is beautiful! Oh, my God.
Look how long the buffet is.
And there's no mirror at the end.
I'm hip to that trick.
Uh-oh.
What? Look at the room rates.
Wow.
Maybe that's in St.
Croix money.
You know, croiksies.
Doug, I really don't think we can afford this.
Come on, we gotta go! Hey, you remember when Mike and Debi first moved in? They thought we were freaks! Now we're their first choice when they can't get their real friends! It's the comeback story of the year! I know, and I want to go, it's just that we've never spent this much on a vacation before.
So? We deserve it.
All right, we work our entire lives at pointless, dead-end jobs, and we come home to TV and stupid chit-chat.
What do you say? Well, you do have me re-thinking us.
I don't know.
Come on! Hey! I will let you ride this turtle.
Or this cabana boy.
All right, you know what? What the hell, let's do it.
I love you.
Hello, kids.
Hey.
Whatcha got there? Oh, just some brochures.
Actually, Dad, it looks like we're going down to the Caribbean next week.
We are? Ooh, I'm so excited.
Well, I hope you're excited for us.
I see.
Once again, I humiliate myself by assuming I'm a member of this family.
Dad, we would love to take you, but we're going with another couple, Mike and Debi from next door.
Darling, your swinging lifestyle is really none of my business.
Just go on your fancy trip! Oh, come on, you'll have fun without us.
You can have Spence over, and we'll bring you back something really nice from St.
Croix.
Oh, you really think I can be bought off with some island trinket, a linen summer suit, How insulting! You almost ready? Taxi's gonna be here any second.
Yup.
I just need to finish labeling these meals for my dad.
I still think you should've gotten one of those things they have for cats, you know, where the food falls directly into the bowl when you hit it? I know he can learn that, you know.
Kids, sorry to be the killjoy here, but I don't think this is a good time for you to be going away.
Why not? There's a very nasty odor down in the basement.
Yes, and now it's traveled up here.
Old people smell.
Cutting-edge humor, Douglas.
What kind of odor, Dad? It's quite noxious.
I've been feeling light-headed for several days.
He's just making it up 'cause he knows we're going away without him.
That's not true.
You pulled the same thing when we were going to Ocean City.
I had sweaty palms and you know it! Come on, there's the taxi.
All right, honey, could you just go down and check it out, please? Fine.
Come on, Arthur! OK, I'm smelling nothing.
It's coming from this area.
I tried to get the panel off, then I got woozy and had to lie down.
That doesn't smell that bad.
What the hell is that?! It looks like some type of mold.
Hon, what's going on? Just a sec! Look, I got a taxi up there waiting to take me to paradise.
Here's how it's gonna go down.
First, we're gonna close this up, then we're gonna close this up.
Everything OK down there? Just fine and dandy! It's fine! And? I gave you fine, but I draw the line at dandy.
Oh, the sky is so beautiful.
Yeah, it's like an oil painting.
Mmm, sea air smells great, doesn't it, honey? Somebody around here has potato chips.
Thanks again for lunch, you guys, and for payin' for the cabanas.
Oh, sure.
Tomorrow night, dinner is on us, and I don't want to hear any arguments.
All right.
All right.
I don't think we're hearing any.
I hear they have this dish here, it's called sizzling lobster.
It's supposed to be incredible.
Oh, well, slap a bib on me and watch my arteries close up.
Is everything OK here? Delightful, or as you French would say, It's delightful.
You folks look a little hot.
Could I cool you off with a mist of Evian water? Sure! You do work here, right? Close your eyes.
Ohh.
Oh, yeah.
Ohh.
You are very close to being adopted.
All right, well here you go.
Thank you, Mr.
Heffernan.
You know what, here's an extra 5.
00.
Soak through the girls' tops, would you? Honey, where's my moisturizer? What?! My moisturizer.
I can't hear you.
I'm in the other room of our 2-room suite! Doug! Carrie? Oy.
How great are these robes, huh? We look like freakin' polar bears.
Stop! Stop! You moron! Oy! For what we're paying, I'm taking these robes home.
Hey, we said we were gonna forget about money and just enjoy this week, right? You're right, you're right, you're right.
And that means treating the minibar like it's our refrigerator at home.
Wait, now I want you to take a picture of me with this $25 disposable camera, eating this $7.
00 Twix.
Come on here, right here.
There you go.
Stop! Oh, that's probably Mike about golf tomorrow, but, you know what, I'm gonna answer it in the sitting room 'cause this phone, it bores me.
Hello? Douglas, it's Arthur Spooner.
OK, last name's not necessary.
What's up? I had a Mr.
Dick St.
John of Mold Masters over to look at the situation.
Arthur, I told you to leave it alone and just sleep upstairs.
And I quote: "Large area of interior walls "infested with stachybotrys-type growth, pipes and wiring also affected.
" Well, did he say how much it would cost to clean it up? And I quote: "To remove all mold, estimated cost $7,025.
" $7,000? I'll await further instructions.
Good-bye.
Hey, was that Mike? Huh? Uh, yeah.
It was just Mikey.
Hey, Doug.
Say "Twix.
" Twix.
All right, what's the delay? Sometimes it takes a little while to get on the Internet.
It's who you know, same old story.
OK, we're online.
All right, now get me the skinny on mold.
They've got me living in that petri dish of a basement for 5 years.
I've gotta know what it's done to me.
OK, here we go.
"Mold helpline.
" That's it.
All right, Arthur, have you suffered from any of the following conditions? Nasal stuffiness? Check.
Shortness of breath? Check.
Loss of urinary control? Double check.
All right, what else? Well, there's something here about how extended exposure could lead to diminished mental capabilities.
Oh, God! I could lose my mind?! Theoretically, yes.
Spence, promise me this.
If you start seeing even the slightest indication of strange behavior on my part, I want you to kill me.
Honey? Yeah? Do you know anything about a charge in the gift shop for $13? Yeah, I bought a pack of gum.
Oh, gum.
OK, as long as it was something important.
OK, honey, now remember, we have dinner reservations at 6:00, so try to get back here from golf by 5:00 so I can hose you down.
Where are you going? To the spa.
I booked a 2-hour massage with Phillipe.
Hold on, uh maybe I want to give you a massage.
You do? Every time I ask you at home, you say, "What's in it for me?" I feel romantic down here, and, you know what, I'll give you twice as good a massage as Phillipe.
And I offer additional services.
Yeah, I have Miguel at 12:30 for that.
Very funny.
Come on, lie on the bed.
This better be good, though, I'm telling you.
And I should tell you, my hands are registered with the department of love.
Sexy fingers division.
All right, there you go.
Mmm.
A little harder, hon.
Split the difference! See? That's better.
Isn't that good? Yeah.
Use the oil, honey.
Hmm? Oil.
Oh.
Oh, there we go.
What's going on up there? Nothing, nothing.
It's fine.
It's fine, fine.
I feel like I'm being marinated.
It's all good.
It's all good.
OK, all right! Massage over! Massage over! Dismount! Dismount! Dismount! Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
That was very sweet, very sweet.
I think I'm gonna let Phillipe have a crack at me now.
Hold on.
You can't go.
Why not? 'Cause we can't afford a massage! What are you talking about? That smell your father smelled? It was mold, and it's gonna cost $7,000 to fix.
$7,000?! But you told me you went down there and checked everything out before we left! I did.
You said everything was OK! I may have lied.
You may have, or you did? I may have did.
Doug! I didn't know it was gonna cost so much! OK, well, you know what? The vacation that we couldn't afford in the first place is over.
What? Yeah, that's right.
Start packing, buddy.
And throw in a few of those towels.
But the room--we already pre-paid for the room.
We can't get that money back.
Oh, right.
And our flights, it's gonna cost us more money to change them.
Oh, my God.
Suddenly, I have an incredible headache.
That's $6.
00! Crap! Crap! Look, I screwed up, OK? But the room's already pre-paid for, so why don't we just enjoy the rest of the week, and, you know, we'll take care of the mold thing when we get back.
OK, all right.
You're right.
But you know what, we are not spending another dime, OK, more than we have to.
Agreed? Agreed.
Plenty of stuff we can do that doesn't cost a cent, right? We got a beautiful view of the ocean right here.
OK, I wish I would've saw the Jet Skis before we were poor.
Hello? Oh, hey, Mike.
No, I didn't forget about golf.
Golf? You're not playing golf.
I will see you there.
OK, buddy.
Take care.
Doug, if I am not getting my massage, you're not spending money on golf.
Fore! Seriously, sorry I'm late.
No problem, Doug.
Ah, you want to tee off back there? You know what, I'm just gonna hit from here.
I'm fine.
This is perfect, seriously.
All right.
Whoa! Heads up in the Day Care Center! Let's play some golf.
Sir? You, sir! Sir! Hey, you guys.
Hey, you two.
What's up, you're not doing a cabana? We're kind of cabanaed out.
Yeah, my Aunt has one.
We use it a lot.
You sure? It's like 110 on the sand there.
It's all right.
I like my skin like I like my cheese: deep fried.
Ow! What's the matter? The sand's hot.
And how is everyone doing? Can I cool you off with a mist? Sure, Patrick.
Go for it.
Mmm.
Mmm.
Here you go, merci.
And now for the Heffernans.
Oh, no! We're good! Oh, just a little spray.
No, no-- Whoa, you missed me! I'm going to get you, Mr.
Heffernan! No! Hey, hey! No spray.
Hey, Arthur.
I just dropped by to see if you wanna catch a movie.
Who are you kidding? You know I couldn't follow it.
What? I'm losing my mind, remember? This Family Circus cartoon might as well be in Greek.
Arthur, you're not losing your mind.
You're just psyching yourself out now.
Let's just put that to a test.
How? I've always been able to debate any topic and tear down opposing arguments with pinpoint logic.
You want me to debate you? Exactly.
We'll pick a topic, and we'll see if I can hold my own.
OK, what's the topic? How about this: Should the United States normalize relations with Cuba? You be pro.
All right.
Uh the Cold War's been over for 10 years.
Cuba is no longer a threat, but instead could be a valuable ally and trading partner, so it makes perfect sense to normalize relations with Cuba.
You moron, what do you know about anything?! You're a frightened little drone that can't even get a woman! If you're so keen on normalizing something, why don't you start with your face! I still got it.
Sizzling lobster is served! I love you, honey, but tonight that is my date.
Hey, you guys! There you are.
What do you got in the bags there? Oh, since it's our turn to treat, we thought we'd do something special.
Yeah, let's go.
All right.
More Ramen Noodles, Debi? Sure.
Mike? Still working on my cheese and crackers.
Hey, don't you fill up on the appetizers.
We got a whole native island feast.
We got our pineapple, we got our roast pig, huh? Already pre-sliced and pre-packaged for our convenience.
And let's kick it off first with a little shrimp cocktail, huh? Whoa! She's blowing again! Whoops, there goes our wine glasses.
You guys sit tight.
Oh, sweetie, I wouldn't put that there.
The sea gulls have been pretty aggressive.
What's going on? I want to go into the restaurant.
Honey, we'll go tomorrow night.
They're obviously having some kind of money problems.
But why didn't-- They told us-- Just be nice, OK? We may have lost a couple of napkins, but in other news, I can now confirm that our cabana boy's definitely gay.
That's true.
Mm-mmm.
Looks kind of like the tide's coming in.
No, no, I checked the chart.
We got at least 12 minutes.
Sizzling lobster is served! How 'bout you finish those cheese and crackers, honey? Yeah, right.
This is the best thing I've ever tasted! What are you--What are you looking at, Mike? Oh, nothing.
I--Nothing.
Nothing.
Seems to me like you're looking at the lobsters.
No, no, Doug, I-- 'Cause tonight we thought, you know, we'd have a beautiful picnic out here on the beach.
Might be more fun than sitting in a stuffy restaurant, but if you want lobster, let's get you some lobster.
It's not like we can't afford it.
I'm sure you can.
I know we can.
Look, Doug, we're friends, and, you know, it's OK if things are a little tight.
Things are tight? Things aren't tight here.
Things are very loose.
You know, that's what I'm saying.
What makes you think they're tight? I don't know, I mean, I'm sitting on a rock and I'm eating food from 7-Eleven.
OK, first of all, it's from an A&P, so get your facts straight.
And second of all, if you want lobster, we're gonna get you some lobster.
Doug! No, no, it's fine.
Excuse me, can I get, uh down there for my friends? Actually, these are our last 2 lobsters.
You know what, I will take these 2.
Just charge them to my room, please.
OK? Thank you.
Sizzling! So, um I'm guessing everyone on their own tomorrow? This strap is digging into my shoulder.
You know what, you're carrying one bag.
I got like 7.
Keep walking.
Oh, Mr.
and Mrs.
Heffernan, you're checking out? Let me help you with your bags.
Oh, no, we're good.
Oh, I'm going to help you, Mr.
Heffernan!