The King of Queens s05e17 Episode Script

S'Poor House

Anyway, Mr.
Gilliard, we were so relieved to see that our insurance policy covers mold damage.
We had a pretty crappy time in St.
Croix thinkin' we had to shell out a fortune to cover the work here.
Yeah, plus, how much mango can you shove down in a week? You know what I'm sayin'? Yeah, exactly.
Anyway, we get back home to find out that it's in our living room, too, so it's not 7,000, it's 12,000.
So, hey, thank God for insurance, right? I mean, I did read the policy correctly, right? Mold is covered, right? Huh.
Uh, what do you mean "huh"? Like--Like, huh, boy, is it ever covered! Actually, it's not.
What? But I read a whole thing in there about molds! Well, yes, but your problem was caused by water leaking under the house from a clogged drainpipe in your backyard.
So? Well, apparently you were told about this by your original home inspector.
We weren't told about any clogged drain.
Well, actually, he was.
He was? You were? No! Oh, wait.
I don't know whether to cry, throw up, or punch ya in the face.
I'm good with either of the first two.
Are there any functioning cells in that brain that can team up right now and fathom the situation we're in? I mean, do you understand what you've done? I do understand.
The insults and big words not necessary.
How does a person let this happen? I mean, how did you let this happen? I don't know.
Doug, the man told you water was leaking into our house.
He told you 6 years ago! It didn't sound that serious.
Water's supposed to be good, right? Drink water! Drink lots of water! Now all of a sudden it's bad for a house.
There are a lot of mixed signals out there! Oh, yeah, it's a real mind-bender.
What are we gonna do? I don't know.
Doug, our house is being devoured by mold.
It's gonna cost us $12,000 to fix it.
We don't have it! What are we gonna do? I don't know.
I don't know.
I don't know.
Idon't know.
Where are you going? I'm gettin' a beer.
Ya mind? Oh, great, you're having a very expensive foreign beer.
All right.
We already own it.
Unless someone wants to buy it for $12,000, I'm drinkin' it.
So we're screwed.
We blew most of our savings on that stupid vacation.
We maxed out all of our credit cards.
No way we can get a loan.
What about those Internet stocks we bought a few years back? You're kidding, right? I guess I am.
Sorry to bother you kids, but that futon in the guest room is playing havoc with my lumbago.
What are the chances I could get ya to spring for a water bed? I'm sorry, Dad.
We're having a huge financial crisis right now.
What if I told you they appreciate in value 5% a year? Dad, please! OK? We're trying to figure out where to get $12,000 for the mold work.
You know what you have to do, right? You have to ask your parents.
What? No.
No.
No.
Why not? They can swing it.
I don't wanna ask them.
It'll be humiliating! OK, fine.
You know what? We'll-- We'll live with the mold.
It'll be our pet.
Don't make me get them involved, please.
Doug, we're in trouble.
OK? We need help.
That's what parents are for.
Excuse me, Dad.
I'll call Daddy.
He'll make it all better.
Excuse me, Arthur.
You're eating all around the carrots.
Mom.
I'm just saying why should I even bother putting carrots in the pot roast if you don't eat them? They're too crunchy.
Nonsense! Nonsense! Who is it? Arthur Spooner.
Oh-oh.
Oh, just--just a-- just a second.
Hello, Arthur.
What a delightful surprise.
Yes.
Hello, Veronica.
I came to see Spence.
His roommate said I could find him here.
Yes, come in.
Come in.
Oh, would you like to join us for dinner? I have pot roast galore.
No.
No.
I just need to speak with him, and I'll be on my way.
Oh, always in a rush, this fella.
So when are you coming to dinner? I've invited you I don't know how many times.
Well, it's just I'm very busy what with my charity work and my naval reserve duty.
Fancy schmancy.
OK, go on.
He's in the kitchen.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
Arthur, what are you doing here? I'll get right to the point.
I need to borrow a substantial amount of money.
You already owe me a substantial amount of money.
And I intend to pay back every penny.
OK.
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
In our case, this would be the ninth time.
This is different.
This isn't for a bet on a dog race or the Tony Awards.
This is to salvage my self-respect.
What are you talking about? Doug and Carrie are having financial trouble and they're going to his parents for help.
They never even thought to ask me.
It was as if I didn't exist.
Uh, I guess they thought if you had money, you wouldn't be spending your golden years living in their cellar.
You have a quite a little sadistic streak, don't ya? I'm not loaning you any more money, Arthur.
Please.
No.
Damn it, I need this.
If I can't walk into that house and slam a check on the table, I'm nothin' to them.
Nothin'.
Please, son.
I'm beggin' ya.
How much? $12,000.
$12,000? I don't have anything even close to that.
I thought you meant, like, a hundred bucks or something.
I see.
Well, thank you for your time.
I didn't mean to eavesdrop, but it sounded like you were having some money woes? Ha.
Who isn't, right? I'm not.
So, uh, would you like to come over for dinner tomorrow so we can, you know, discuss things further? I'd be delighted.
I tell ya, Son.
You gotta be really careful who ya hire to do the work here.
Lotta guys lookin' for a quick buck.
Mold is the flavor of the month right now.
I'll stick with rocky road, thank you.
Pay attention here! It's for your own good.
Good morning.
Hey, Joe.
Good morning, sweetheart.
Uh, I'm gettin' myself some more coffee.
Want some? Oh, no, thanks.
I actually have to run.
Well, have a good day.
OK, honey, I'll see ya tonight.
Did ya ask him for the money yet? No, I'm waitin' for an opening.
Well, what have you been talking about? Mold.
That's not an opening? Get in there! Go! Uh, Dad, it was, uh, ahem, really nice of ya to come up here and help us out.
Ah, what the hell else did I have to do except sit around the house and tell your mother to turn down the TV set? Right.
Doesn't Regis talk loud enough on his own? Ha.
Last night I had dinner with Larry King! We need $12,000.
What? We need ya to lend us the money for the mold work 'cause, uh, well, uh, we--we don't have it.
I don't understand.
Well, it's really not that complicated.
It's just, uh But how can you not have money? You both have good jobs, you got no kids, low mortgage here.
You oughta have 20, Where's your money? I don't know.
It's just-- Where's your money, Douglas? I don't know.
We spent it.
On what? Things! I don't know.
You don't know? What kind of idiot are ya? I'm not an idiot, Dad.
OK? What, you keep track of every dollar you spend? Yes, I do.
Which is I why I never got in the kinda mess you're in.
Look, are ya gonna lend us the money or not? Where are your books? Hmm? Where are your books? On the bookshelf? Well, the fact that you're broke is no great mystery, Son.
What do you mean? You wanna know what I mean? I'll show ya what I mean.
There's what should be in your bank account.
Right there.
So Carrie buys lots of clothes.
What's the big deal? You ever look around in here, Doug? I mean, really look? No, I hid in there once when Carrie wanted to take me to a museum, but-- All right.
I'll pick one item at random.
Charles David.
How much you think she spent on these? Are you sure? Yeah, of course I'm sure.
And there's a bunch of these down here.
And look up here.
There's sweaters, dresses.
It's all high-end stuff, Dougie.
All of it.
Tags still on this, uh, von Furstenberg thing.
For this? It doesn't even have sleeves! Here's another one with a tag.
Oh, this actually is only 30 bucks.
I got her that.
And it's a damn fine sweater, too.
I like the turtles.
This is crazy.
And it's not just clothes, either.
There's hair appointments, expensive makeup, she even spent hundreds of bucks on fingernails.
For God's sake, we're born with fingernails.
I had no idea it was this bad.
Look, Son, you know I think the world of Carrie, but, uh, you want 12 grand from me, you're gonna have to get her under control.
Well, what do you mean? You gotta take charge of the family finances.
Put her on a strict allowance.
My arms awaited you So was dinner all right? Yes, it was marvelous, Veronica.
Thank you.
I thought it'd be nicer to eat out here than in the dingy old kitchen.
Kind of fun, right? Like being at a cocktail party? Yes, quite festive.
I want to apologize again for the various items that rolled off my plate.
I shouldn't have served garbanzo beans.
They're my weakness.
I'm sorry.
Well, must be very late.
What is it, 10? 10:30? Quarter to 7:00.
Right.
I guess I was just distracted by my daughter and son-in-law's financial dilemma.
The one I was hoping to help them with.
Of course.
It-- It's just that What? Well, the banks are closed for the day.
There's really nothing much we can do until morning.
I suppose not.
I'm home! Upstairs! Hey.
Hey.
Did you talk to your dad? Yeah.
He's, uh, gonna loan us the $12,000.
He went to get a cashier's check at the bank.
He should be home any minute.
I am so relieved.
I was such a wreck all day at work.
I think I put Liquid Paper in Kaplan's coffee.
I hear that gives ya a great buzz.
Listen, uh, this whole situation kinda got me thinkin' about our finances.
Yeah, what about 'em? Well, it's really nothin' you should worry yourself about.
It's just little adjustments.
I'll--I'll handle it.
Handle what? Our finances.
From now on I'll handle our finances.
I'm sorry, what? Gonna handle our finances.
You know, take the burden off you.
I'll--I'll gather our money as we earn it and put it in the bank and as necessary I'll give ya some.
Give me some? What, like an allowance? Hey, are we so cynical that getting an allowance isn't cool anymore? All right.
What the hell are you talking about? You're outta control, Carrie.
OK? Ya--Ya spend on clothes than we can afford.
What? You--You do! I mean, look, von Furstenberg, Versace, ya ever heard of the Va-Gap? Uh, excuse me, but it just so happens that I need those clothes for my job.
Yeah, I don't think so.
You don't because you don't know what the hell you're talking about.
OK? I don't get issued like you do, and by the way, try wearing the other 4 sometime.
Hmm? You know what? You don't need all this high-end stuff here for your job.
Yes, I do, Doug! I work at a top law firm in Manhattan.
Oh, really? What, do they scan ya at Queensboro Bridge? Beep.
Beep.
Beep.
Be-Be-Be-Be-Be-Beep! Hey, these aren't Charles David! Close the gate! Charles David? How do you know so much about my clothes all of a sudden? All right.
My dad looked at receipts, OK? What? Yeah, and it's a good thing he did, too, OK? I never realized how much expensive stuff you had in there until he came up here and showed me.
Your dad went through my closet? Oh, don't look all offended, OK? You're the one who brought him into this.
You made me call him.
And that gives you two the right to come in here and look through my stuff and then laugh at me? Oh, yeah, we were crackin' up.
$700 for boots.
Ha ha.
Funny.
I can't believe you.
I'm so freakin' outta here.
Oh, Carrie! Carrie.
Carrie.
Let go of me.
Let go! Where ya goin'? Anywhere that's away from you.
Hey, kids, sorry I'm late.
Got your check right here.
Thank you.
Are you crazy? We need that! Yeah? After what you did tonight, I would rather hook on the streets than take this money.
Yeah, well, the first By the way, Joe, when you guys were discussing our finances, did Doug happen to mention that this whole problem with the mold thing was his fault in the first place? No.
Well, I guess you can discuss that now.
Yeah, drinkin'.
Oh, there you are.
When I woke up and you weren't in bed, I--I--I thought you'd left.
No, no, I--I couldn't sleep.
It's just as well.
I now know where to buy a kitchen knife that could slice through an automobile fender.
Tonight was wonderful, Arthur.
Yes, I had a very nice time as well, Ronnie.
Well, anyway, it's almost morning.
I'd love to get to the bank and present those kids with a check before they head off to work.
Yeah, well, I, uh, I really don't have any money.
What? I live on social security and what Spence gives me.
But I don't understand.
What about the supermarket? You said you're a part owner.
I stretched the truth.
I, uh, just shop there.
Oh, for the love of-- I needed that money! I was counting on it! I was gonna slap it down on the table for those kids! Well, I'm awfully sorry.
Why the hell did you put me through this whole charade? Charade? You crumb! I thought you said you had a good time.
Of course I did.
You were dangling $12,000 in front of me like a doggy treat.
Well, pardon me.
I didn't know this was such a formal business arrangement.
See, I was stupid enough to think you might actually like me.
Here, wait.
Here ya go.
Here is 20 bucks for your gigolo services.
I'm sorry my company was so unbearable.
Veronica.
What? I was speaking out of anger.
I really did have a lovely time with ya.
You don't have to say that.
But it's true.
You're free Saturday night? Actually, my unit ships out at 0800, sorry.
Oh, God! Where ya been? I been lookin' all night for you.
Here.
I was just-- You don't call! I'm worried outta my head! I was gonna call-- You're mad at me, you should call and-- Look, I'm not mad at you.
Now will you just shut up? You're not mad at me? No, I mean, I was mad at you, but then around I moved onto being mad at me.
That's when I started smoking.
OK, can you be mad at yourself in the other direction? It's funny, you know, all this time in my mind I knew I was outta control with the clothes and everything.
I mean, a million times I'd be in a store and I'd go, we can't afford this, but I just-- You just what? Doug, I just can't describe how much I hate knockoffs.
Can I get ya somethin'? Oh, no, thanks.
Oh, I'll have some more coffee.
Uh, bacon cheeseburger, onion rings, and a chocolate malt.
While you drink your coffee.
Look, let's just agree that the problem is both our faults.
You know? Don't forget, I screwed up, too.
Uh, yeah, didn't forget.
So what do we do now? I guess we gotta ask my dad for another check.
Yeah, OK, that won't be too awkward, huh? Really wish you hadn't ripped up the first one.
I know.
I was just-- I was so furious at the both of you.
Well, for future reference, when you're furious at someone who's givin' you a check just crumple it.
Crumple makes a nice point, and it's reversible.
Duly noted.
I love you, honey.
I love you.
So we love each other.
If it wasn't for our crushing debt, we could actually be happy right now.
We'll get outta the hole.
Don't worry.
Yeah, Doug, I mean it.
Now we really have to buckle down.
OK? We're in our 30s.
It's not cute to be broke anymore.
I don't wanna end up like one of those bums at the counter there.
Wait a second.
Dad? Dad! Oh, hey, kids.
What are you doin' out this late? I had a business meeting of sorts.
It's 5:00 in the morning.
Oh, is it that late? I, uh, seem to have lost my wristwatch at said meeting.
What are you doin' here? Oh, just, uh, discussing what pathetic screwups we are.
Well, I guess I've come to the right place.
Shove over.
Have ya ordered yet? Yeah, had a coffee.
I'm gettin' a burger.
What did you get? I ordered the bluefish.
Ya got bluefish? Here? It's fresh and delicious.
I think they have their own boat.
Let him get it.
There's a hospital down the block.
You know what? I think I'm gonna get some eggs.
Go crazy, kids, 'cause tonight I'm buyin'! Hey, Ma? Yeah? Whose watch is this? Happy birthday, darling.
Hey, thanks.