The King of Queens s05e18 Episode Script

Steve Moscow

My eyes are gettin' weary My back is gettin' tight I'm sittin' here in traffic On the Queensboro Bridge tonight But I don't care, 'cause all I wanna do Is cash my check and drive right home to you 'Cause, baby, all my life I will be drivin' home to you So for first few days of job, we open up the walls, and we spray the fungicide to get rid of mold.
Uh-huh.
Then we put back the wall and apply the anti-microbial coating.
I'll tell ya, I wish I had some of that coating after this one's cooking.
Fire in the hole! You know what I'm sayin'? He's just excited to meet you.
Yeah, yeah, we're real happy you're doin' all this work for us, Steve.
We--We hear you're the best.
I did win an award from Long Island Mold Contractors' Association.
What do they call that, "The Moldy"? It's a very beautiful award.
So we're all set then, huh? Yes, we are all set, ready to rock 'n' roll.
See you in September.
Wha-- But that's 6 months from now.
Yeah, we can't wait that long! I mean, the mold's under the house, it--it's in our walls-- What do you want me to do, wave magic wand? I have many big projects going.
But can't we just work something out? I don't see how.
Darling, remember that library book you took out for me and accused me of not returning? Yeah? Well, here it is.
It's quite overdue, and I ripped out several pages in anger.
Thank you.
We're kind of in the middle of something here, Dad.
Dad? This man is your father? Yeah, he lives with us.
In Russia, we respect our old people, too.
In this country, they just dump in Dumpster like trash.
It's good to see you people are different.
Yeah, well, what can you do? We just love him.
We do.
We, uh we cherish him.
He's my Yoda.
You know what? Let me see if I can move some things around, but I'm not sure.
Oh, my God, anything you can do would be great! Yeah.
So, Father, eh, do they take good care of you? Why, yes.
In fact, uh, they give me a very generous allowance of $20 a week.
By the way, Douglas, it's Friday.
Yeah.
All right.
And I believe you forgot last week.
Oh, I did? OK.
Tell you what I can do.
How does Monday sound? You put key under mat, we come first thing in morning.
Oh, my God, that's great! Thank you! So be it.
Let me grab paperwork.
OK.
Feelin' pretty good, aren't you? Oh, yeah.
Now take me to the boat show, or I blow this thing wide open.
Mmm.
Uh hi? Don't worry.
We are with mold company.
Um, I'm not wearing underpants.
No.
No, we look for 3-prong outlet, then we go.
I think there's one over there, but, shh! Oh.
Shh! Oh, boy! It's all right.
Don't worry.
We are with mold company.
Ahem.
Doug Get them outta here! OK, but I'm not wearing underpants.
This feels a little awkward.
What do we do? Just ignore them? Do we offer them cereal? No, you don't offer them cereal, you just act like a normal person.
Hi, guys.
What? Oh, nothing, I was just saying hi.
We are with mold company.
We have to be here.
Yeah.
No, no, no, it's fine.
Yeah.
You want cereal? No, I had bagel.
Help! Dad? I'm looking for Douglas and Carrie Heffernan! Don't answer! This is our chance for a fresh start.
We're in here.
Just follow my voice! Keep comin', you're gettin' warmer.
Keep comin'.
And he's outside.
OK.
Doug, come here a sec.
I got something I need to show you.
You see how the seams in there are failing? Uh-huh, uh-huh.
I think we need to use the H.
E.
P.
A.
vacuum and then install sill flashings and a kickout.
Now, it's going to cost you about $300 extra, but I think in the long run it'll save you money.
What do you think? I think that sounds great.
You, uh--you got your own H.
E.
P.
A.
vacuum, or you wanna use mine? I have one.
Good.
Uh, th-that's good that you have one.
OK.
What was that about? Oh, Steve thinks we need to H.
E.
P.
A.
the whole thing out in there, and install some sill flashings and a kickout.
I agree.
And do you know what any of that means? Why do you always need to know what things mean? It's not an attractive quality.
Well, is it gonna cost any more? us money in the long run.
Doug, the guy gave us an estimate.
Why didn't he see it the first time when he came here? I don't know! Well, don't you think you should ask him? Fine.
It never ends.
What? I sa--I said you're beautiful.
Hey, Steve.
What's up? Uh, question for ya.
Uh, how come the stuff you were just telling me about wasn't included in the original estimate? I'm just curious.
You are curious? Like the Monkey George? Yeah, I--I guess.
Well, I didn't put in estimate, 'cause I didn't see it.
I didn't see it because it was behind the wall, and I cannot see through the wall.
You want somebody who can see through the wall, maybe you should call Captain Superman to help you out! No, no, no, you don't need to call Captain Superman.
I was just wonderin', you know.
Tryin' to learn about mold.
You know? Uh, and you guys are doin' a great job, by the way.
Really, and you know what, you guys make the coveralls work, too.
You really do.
You stick me in them, and I'd look like a Peanut M & M.
I'll see ya tomorrow.
Hello? Anybody here? Their tools are gone.
Where are they? I don't know.
Maybe they're late.
Maybe-- Maybe today they didn't feel like "rushin'.
" Am I gonna hear a Russian joke every morning? Not with that attitude.
Doug, it's been 4 days since they've been here.
I can't live like this.
Did you call them again? Yes.
I left message 17 an hour ago.
Did you leave him our number? Oh, gee, no, I forgot to do that.
Actually, you know what, I may have forgot.
Hello? Dad, we're in here.
Just follow the tape we put down.
It's taking me in circles! It's not taking you in circles.
Actually, it is.
Uh, payback for the allowance thing.
Come on.
Thank you, darling.
I was spinning like a dreidel out there.
Shh.
It's ringing.
It's ringing.
Uh, hey, Steve, uh-- Uh, Doug Heffernan here.
Oh, hello, Doug, how are you doing? Oh, I'm doin' good.
How 'bout you? Uh-huh.
Yeah, yeah, it is cold, isn't it? Ooh, it's very cold, I-- All right! Uh, question for ya.
Uh, we've kind of been wondering where you guys have been? Like I told you, we have many big projects going.
Yeah, but you said you'd squeeze us in, and now our house is-- it's kind of-- it's kind of ripped apart.
How does a week from Friday sound? That--That--That's Well, if that doesn't make you happy, maybe you wanna call Captain Superman.
No, no, no, no, th-that'll be fine.
What, what, what? He's gonna come a week from Friday.
No, that's unacceptable! Look, is there any way, uh, you could-- Doug, it's unacceptable.
Use the word! Uh uh, Steve, what you're doing is very un nice of you.
All right, all right! Gimme this.
Hello, this is Carrie Heffernan-- Yes--Mrs.
Doug.
Um, your behavior is unacceptable.
Now, there may be other people who fall for this kind of crap, but not us, buddy boy, OK? I happen to work for a law firm that specializes in civil litigation.
So if I don't see you guys tomorrow, here, at 8:00 am, I will be introducing my foot-ski to your ass-ski! I think he got the message.
So they left our home completely ripped apart, we haven't seen them for 6 days.
I mean, they think that they can take advantage of us, but they don't know that I work for the-- Well, I'll just say it-- the toughest litigator in New York City.
That's very kind of you, Carrie.
So what do we do? We just start with a threatening letter, or we just go right for the lawsuit? Well, here's the thing.
What? You're screwed.
What do you mean we're screwed? We--We--We have a contract! Yes, a very nice one.
Now, let me tell you a little story about a brick pizza oven.
My wife had to have one installed in our house.
Apparently, it was critical to our social standing.
So I hired a contractor.
The guy ripped a hole in our wall, then decided he'd only show up when it was convenient.
So I sued the bastard.
I got my pizza oven.
By then Tiffany was on a no-carb diet.
We keep books in there now.
So, you're sayin' I could have a pizza oven in my house? Doug! Sorry.
I'm just tryin' to find the good here.
All right, so we can't sue them, but, I mean, come on, please, there's gotta be something we can do.
My professional advice? Start kissing some keister.
I've got vodka! Look at you.
What happened last night? I went to drop off the vodka, and he made me stay and drink with him.
I don't remember much after that except at some point I was dancing with men.
Oh, and I may have played Russian roulette.
You know you can't drink hard liquor.
Yeah, I know.
I did what I had to do.
Look, they're back here.
You should be happy.
Oh, yeah, they showed up for work.
Let's throw them a parade.
Shh! You keep up that attitude, they're gonna walk outta here again! What do you want me to do, smile all day like an idiot? You know what, if you really want to help, you should throw on a pair of Daisy Dukes, go out, and wash the car during their lunch break.
Hey, Doug, my friend! Hey, bud! How's it goin'? Ohh! This guy likes his vodka! He also does a great robot dance.
OK, so here's where we're at.
Basement is finished, no mold.
And the living room, That's great, that sounds great! Do you mind? Uh, no, no, no.
Go ahead, go ahead.
Please.
Uh, you know, we're gonna take our coffee in the other room.
OK, Doug.
All right.
Oh, hello.
Hey, Father, how are you? Or, as we say in Russia-- Hey, yeah! Marvelous, yeah! So, uh, what part of the U.
S.
S.
R.
Do you hail from, son? I am from Kiev, but it's no longer called U.
S.
S.
R.
, thank God.
"Thank God"? What are you talkin' about? It's a mess there now! Oh, it's much better now without the stinking Communists running things.
Oh, please! You people had a workers' paradise and you blew it! A paradise?! The K.
G.
B.
, they throw my mother in the Gulag! Well, I'm sure they had a very good reason.
Just imagine, all this is gonna be done, and the only mold in this house will be on the whole wheat bread you keep buying and that I never eat.
You don't know anything about what you're talking about! The collectivization of the farms was a stroke of genius! We lost our home! It's all about you, isn't it? Dad, what's going on? We can't stay here anymore.
Whoa, whoa, whoa! What happened here? This man knows nothing about Communism! What did he say? Hey, we love Communism! You love Communism?! Let me finish! We love that you got rid of it! Ohh, this man is an old fool! Well, look, you don't like him, he's gone! You'll never see him again! Bashnicki! All right.
All right, boys.
Papa needs a new fur hat! Hey! Whatcha doin'? Playing bashnicki.
It's a Russian game involving cards, dice, and dominoes, and it's positively addicting! Well, I'm glad to see you guys made up, but I'm just, uh, trying to work in there.
So, if you guys could just keep it down? - Absolutely.
- Sure, sure.
Bashnicki! Sorry, darling, but I just won back the dining room table! Hey, come on, one more game! Come on! Oh, Steve.
Yes? Oh, um everything looks great downstairs.
Yeah, it's just that I--I-- I thought you guys were done up here.
Yes, done with fungicide, but now comes the fun part.
The ventilation of microbial contaminants.
OK, plug in yellow extension cord! It--It's just that I have this report due tomorrow, and it's kind of hard to work downstairs with the screaming and the gambling.
And, oh, I think they're roasting something.
I bring you your laptop.
Did you unplug that? Yes, I needed the-- the 3-prong outlet.
But I didn't save my report yet! Ohh, you should always back up your work.
You're right.
My bad.
Hey, hon.
Hi.
Oh, traffic was killer today.
They shut down 2 lanes on the Grand Central.
It was brutal.
Ohh What is that? My belt.
What have I told you about throwing your belt on the bed? When you take your belt off, hang it up, you animal! Wow.
Either you're mad at something else, or I think I want a divorce.
It's these mold guys.
They're driving me crazy with the bashnicki and the smoking and my computer.
Doug, let me kill them.
Please let me kill 'em? Look, you're not killing anyone.
Just one-- you can pick 'im! Calm down.
No.
You know what? I'm gonna go downstairs and at least tell them that they can't treat human beings like this.
No! No, Carrie, you can't! Doug, get out of my way! Listen to me! I can't drink any more vodka.
Today, I delivered a package to a nursery school, and I threw up in a little water fountain.
Come on, they have one wall to go, and then they're done.
One wall! I don't care! If I don't unload on somebody, I'm gonna explode! So? Take it out on me.
Twist my nipples.
What? Twist 'em.
You always wanna twist them when you're angry with me, right? Yeah.
And don't you always feel happy after? Sure.
So twist the dials! Come in, Tokyo! Oh, for God sakes, if you're gonna do it, do it now.
Aah-aah-aah! Yaz-bah! Oh, God! You feel better at least? Not really.
My hand slipped off the left one.
Let me do it again.
No! Stop! Douglas, is Steve in here? I got a bone to pick with him about his men.
What's the problem? They're cheats.
I drew 2 jacks, I rolled snake eyes, and I matched 2 dominoes.
That's a kalishnikov where I come from.
Arthur, you listen to me.
You say one word to Steve and your dream of owning a hamster is dead.
Checkmate.
You'll get no more trouble from me.
You may want to wear these so you don't inhale the toxic fume.
Do you mind? Carrie! Your time will come.
Your time will come.
Hey, Doug! We are finished.
Come, one last drink together.
Uh I--I really shouldn't.
Ahh.
Perhaps now is good time to tell you.
Pavel broke your toilet.
That's OK.
Good.
Then we go now.
That's it? You--You're sure? You're-- We're mold-free? here is done.
Hold on a second.
I think Carrie wanted to say good-bye to you.
Honey? Go get 'em.
Oh.
Hey! Pavel broke our toilet.
Who the hell do you people think you are? I want you all to know that if I see any of you walking down the street and I am in my car, I will run you down! OK? And just when you think it's over, I'm gonna put it in reverse, I'm gonna back over you! OK? Then I'm gonna get out of the car, and that's where the real whup-ass begins.
And the moldy goes to Aah! I love my life! Steve Basaravich! This is Steve Basaravich's second Moldy.
Thank you! Oh! This is what it's all about! Whoo!