The King of Queens s05e20 Episode Script

Driving Reign

Hey, Dad.
Kids, I've made the most incredible discovery.
What, that I can't see Sportscenter through you? No.
This.
I stumbled upon a little slice of heaven called the Dollar Store.
Guess how much I paid for this.
I don't know.
How much? A dollar! Wow! Not sure you needed Jhericurl, though.
For a dollar, how could I not need it? I'm telling you, Douglas, you should go there.
The prices are unbeatable.
Hmm unless you go down to the 99 Cents Store.
The what? The 99 Cents Store.
It's exactly like the Dollar Store, only everything's a penny cheaper.
Those bastards saw me coming a mile away! That was fun.
My eyes are gettin' weary My back is gettin' tight I'm sittin' here in traffic On the Queensboro Bridge tonight But I don't care, 'cause all I want to do Is cash my check and drive right home to you 'Cause, baby, all my life I will be drivin' home to you OK, boys, breakfast is served.
I thought you were goin' to Dunkin' Donuts.
Change in plans.
Ling Gardens is now open 24/7.
OK, just because a restaurant is open 24-hours-a-day, doesn't mean you have to eat there That's exactly what it means.
Oh, how sad it that? All those loaders going after the one open driver spot.
Look at 'em filling out their applications.
They're adorable.
You just want to squeeze 'em, you know? I wish I could keep a tiny little loader at home as a pet.
My kids would love that.
And Sanchez I don't even think his feet can reach the pedals.
Watch this.
Hey, Sanchez, what'd you say your favorite kind of bagel was again? The plain.
Was it sesame? The plain.
The plain! Hey, look.
Your cousin Danny's grabbing' an application.
Oh, crap! What? Now he's gonna be all over me to help him out and write him a letter of recommendation.
Hey, buddy.
Hey, where the heck is all the soy sauce?! This is crazy.
I gotta go back.
There's soy sauce right here.
Yeah, I know, I know.
That's what I'm saying.
There's too much.
I gotta bring some back.
I don't know, we exchanged numbers, but he hasn't called me.
Maybe I should just give him a call.
Don't you dare! If this Tito fellow can't see how special you are, then he's not worth it.
I guess.
You're smart, successful, and other than being a little light in the bazoom, very attractive.
OK, now you've got me blushing.
You know, Arthur, at first you were just this person that I walked, but I gotta say, now you've become so much more.
You've become kind of like family.
Now you've got me blushing.
Well, I better go.
Cupcake's sending up warning signals.
Oh, yes.
That certainly was Cupcake.
Bye.
Good-bye.
I was just paid a wonderful compliment.
Holly said I was like family to her.
Wow.
She have a basement? Don't worry, Douglas, I love it here.
Hey.
Hey.
Listen, the wind is blowing our trash can down the middle of the street.
I know.
I saw it.
Those things get rolling pretty good, huh? Hello.
Oh, hey, Danny.
I'm not here! Uh, no, he's not here.
He's um out jogging.
He's at Jack in the Box.
Yeah.
Oh, that's great, Danny.
I'm sure you'll get it.
Yeah, yeah.
He'll be happy to do that for you.
OK, honey.
Bye-bye.
What is your problem? Did you just say to him I'd write a letter of recommendation? Yeah.
Why is that such a big deal? Beca--he only wants to be a driver 'cause I'm a driver! He's copying me again.
Copying you? Yeah.
When we were kids, I got a Reggie Jackson mitt.
When I dropped out of junior college, he dropped out of junior college.
Then just last month, I went on that juice diet he did.
Did he gain 10 pounds on it? Look, you know what? There's no point in even discussing this, because the bottom line is Danny's not right for this job.
Oh, why's that? Because when it comes to driving, he just doesn't have it.
OK, and by "it," do you mean a driver's license? Uh, excuse me, it's a class "C" license.
And don't knock it.
It's paid for slightly less than 1/2 of all of this.
Just be a good guy and write the letter for your cousin.
Here Unbelievable.
Does "dumb-ass" have a hyphen? Give it to me.
All right, I'd like to introduce the newest driver to the IPS family, Danny Heffernan.
You're now a member of an elite force, son.
With great honor comes great responsibility.
Make us proud.
All right, next item.
One of you pinheads broke my stapler.
Until further notice, my stapler is off-limits.
That's it.
Hit the streets, everybody.
Heffernan, show your cousin the ropes.
Hey, thanks a lot for writin' that letter, buddy.
So, what's the dealio? Am I gettin' a good truck? What's my route? Where am I goin'? You know what? Your first delivery is to Shut It Up Industries.
You're not a loader anymore.
You're a driver.
Act like one.
Right.
All right, here she is.
So, what's the first thing you do when you get in in the morning? Uh, perimeter check.
Tire pressure, door gates, and fluid levels.
Oh, boy.
What? That's what it says in the manual.
I know what it says in the manual, OK? I'm here to teach you what's not in the manual.
All right? Do you hear that? Come here.
You know what that is? Uh We Will Rock You? No.
Listen! You got a rivet missing.
Mm-hmm.
Hey, can I have the keys now, or are you just gonna-- The keys.
He wants the keys.
He wants the keys.
You just don't get it, do you? You know, this job is a lot more than just driving a truck.
What else is it? Customer relations! You know, when I first started, there was this lady, Mrs.
Janowski.
She would hardly open the door for me.
Now she bakes me sugar cookies in all different shapes.
You know, your stars, your squares, your hearts.
OK, now that you've explained to me what a shape is, can I hit the road, or Are you questioning my training methods? No.
No, no, no.
Tap the truck, get a cookie.
Got it! You know what? I knew making you a driver was a big mistake.
Mistake? Why'd you write that letter of recommendation? I didn't.
Carrie did.
What? Yeah.
The truth is, I don't think you can handle this job.
It's driving and walking.
Get over yourself.
OK, if it's so easy, hotshot, why don't you take my route today, and I'll take the trainee route? I'll talk to O'Boyle right now and make that happen if you want me to.
Fine.
OK.
Here you go.
Welcome to zone 8.
Or as you'll be calling it, "I can't do it.
" Hey, Arthur, you were right about Tito.
He called me last night begging me to go out with him again.
Well, if there's one thing I know, it's how to get a man.
OK, Arthur, ready for your walk? You betcha.
Oh, I got you a little something just to say thanks for being so nice.
Well, what is this? "World's greatest grandfather.
" You know, you're like a grandfather to me.
A grandfather?! Why don't you just kick me in the marbles?! What? Why are you mad? Because I'm not like a grandfather.
I'm like a father to you.
I didn't mean to say that you were old or anything.
It has nothing to do with age.
It's about stature.
What?! Grandfathers are a dime a dozen.
That's why everyone get's 2 of them.
Fathers are the real McCoy.
They're the wind beneath your wings.
If you can't see that I'm your wind, then you're dead to me! Oh got too rough for you out there, huh? You quit in the middle of the day.
What's the matter, the packages too heavy? You couldn't see over the steewing wheel? Yeah, you were right, Doug.
I couldn't do your route as fast as you.
I could only do it than you've ever done it.
Heh heh heh heh.
Ooh, hear that tappin'? That's the sound of this loader dustin' your ass! That's gotta hurt! Think of it this way.
What would you rather be, a piano, or a grand piano? A canyon, or a Grand Canyon? An ole opry, or a Grand Ole Opry? I ain't buyin' your soap, lady.
Arthur, Arthur, listen.
I'm sorry that the trophy hurt your feelings.
Just give it to me and I'll take it back.
Why, you want to swap it out for a "world's best fourth cousin" trophy? No, Arthur, I just want to get this over with so we can go on our walk.
Well, it's not gonna be over until you admit what's obvious to everyone else! Fine.
Fine.
You're like a father to me.
You are exactly like a father to me! I am? Yes.
Come here.
Feels good, doesn't it? That's it, let it out.
Hey, babe.
You! What's the matter with-- Aa-aa-aah! Doug Aaa-eee-aah! What is going on with you? You just had to help your precious little Danny, didn't you? Why? What happened? Did he screw up or something? No, he did great.
He did my route faster than I've ever done it.
He did better than you? I don't know why you're so shocked.
According to your letter, he's "infinitely talented.
" Oh, come on, I had to write something.
I couldn't say he was a stumpy loser.
I can't believe this.
Well, what's the big deal anyway? It was his first day.
I got smoked by a rookie.
I'm a disgrace to my shorts! You know what? Give these to someone who deserves 'em.
I gotta be honest with you.
I don't think anyone deserves these.
Doug, come on.
Don't get down on yourself.
You're a great driver.
No, I'm not.
Yes, you are.
No, I'm not! You can't be great at something if you're not as good as a stumpy loser.
Unless it's a stumpy loser contest.
It's OK, baby.
Really.
No, it's not.
Look God if he can just waltz in there on his first day and do better than me, then what does it all mean? I mean why do we even bother gettin' up? Well, you have other things in your life other than driving.
Like what? Well you have me and your health sort of.
You know what it is? It's like I--I take pride in my work.
Before today, I really thought I brought something special to the job.
Something that nobody else but me could bring.
Really? Yeah.
You know, sometimes at the end of the day, you know, after I had a great run I actually thought God put me on this earth to get people their packages.
Really? Yes! Doug, I'm sorry.
Don't take this the wrong way, but maybe you're expecting a little too much out of your truck driving job.
I mean, I don't get any fulfillment from my job.
What about last week? You said you had a great day at work.
Oh, I wore some tight pants and got some good feedback.
I wouldn't suggest that for you.
Look, come-- Honey, I--I don't know what to say.
I mean, we're not doctors, you know.
We're not saving lives with what we do.
We have jobs, you know? We punch in, we cash our checks, and then we come home to each other.
And that should be enough, OK? I'm gonna go change.
Oh, Johnny my sister Linda-- Big money! Big money! Unemployed? Need a job quick? Well, become a truck driver.
No education, no problem.
No experience, no problem.
If you can sit down, you can be a driver.
Don't worry, guys, we'll get going as soon as we pick up Arthur.
Arthur? Right here, darling.
What's going on? You told me once you never learned to ride a bike, and I intend to teach you.
Oh, Arthur, that's sweet, but you really don't need-- Am I like a father to you or not?! You're like a father to me.
You're like a father to me.
Well, climb aboard.
Now, I've set up a series of cones for you in the alley.
You'll notice the degree of difficulty increases as you approach Queens Boulevard.
Godspeed! Hi.
Hey, man.
What are you doing? I'm reading a book.
You know what? Let me ask you something.
Do you like our jobs here? I mean, are you proud of what you do? I drive boxes around Queens.
I know, but when you do it well, do you think you're making some small difference in the world? I drive boxes around Queens.
Then why are you here? What do you even do this for? Uh, paycheck, benefits, I don't know how to farm I mean, what are you looking for, player? You know what? Forget it, man.
Go back to your book.
What? Oh, yeah, little change in the schedule there.
Uh, you--you gave Danny my route.
Well, I gotta go with the hot hand, Doug.
You just drive the trainee route a few more weeks, huh? And tell Palmer stop with the readin'.
It's creepin' me out.
Hey, you know, there are Eyes forward at the urinal, and you never steal another guy's route.
And you broke 'em both.
I didn't steal your route, OK? And at the urinal, again, I thought I saw a quarter next to your foot! You are so out of line on this! How am I out of line? Best drivers get the best routes.
You taught me that.
Oh so now you think you're a better driver than me? Look, I don't want to fight, all right? I just want to have some of Mrs.
Janowski's fresh-baked sugar cookies on my first day.
That's it, man.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! You two have a problem, you settle it the IPS way.
Tonight, Old Dugan Road.
Oh, yeah! That's what I'm talking about.
Uh, actually, I got an allergist thing at 7:30.
I might be a little late.
All right.
Tonight.
Old Dugan Road.
8:00-ish! Hey, did you, uh-- You soup me up under there? Oh, no.
I couldn't figure out how.
But you're good on wiper fluid.
Good luck, brother.
Doug.
What are you doing here? I called the depot and they told me what was going on.
Carrie, you're not stopping me.
I'm doing this.
I didn't come to stop you, OK? I just came to give you this.
A packet of tartar sauce? Yeah.
You brought it home from your first lunch break of your first day at IPS.
Remember back when you used to eat fish? Oh, yeah.
Captain Eddie's tartar sauce.
Yeah.
You asked me to keep it because of the fortune on the back.
Read it.
"The most important thing in life is drive.
" Yeah.
Remember you said it was like a sign that you were meant to do this? And, you know what? You were right, Doug.
Your job is important.
I'm just sorry I didn't see that sooner.
Are those my isotoners? I couldn't find mine.
OK, let's get going, guys.
All right.
Hey, good luck.
Good luck.
All right, now, listen.
You kick that stumpy loser's ass! OK? Hi, Danny.
Go on the drop! No no! Having some problems there, ace? No, no.
I'm fine.
You ain't gonna start it like that.
I--I know what I'm doing.
Stop pumping the gas! It's fuel injection.
It floods if you pump it.
You should know that! Stop yelling at me! Well, you're doing it wrong.
You're right.
Damn it! Aw I can't do this.
You win.
You're the better driver.
You're always been the better driver.
What are you talking about? You beat me at my own route.
Aw, I cheated, OK? I started early and worked through lunch.
I didn't even deliver all my packages.
Your truck was empty when you brought it back.
Yeah, well, my apartment's not.
What?! It's just you've always been better than me at everything.
Just once I wanted to beat you at something.
But I'm just a stupid loader, and that's all I'll ever be.
Oh, stop your cryin', would you? You're a driver for the International Parcel Service! Have some pride, man.
Now open the choke and put it in neutral.
I can't.
Do it! There.
Now turn the ignition key, and just tap the accelerator.
All right.
Now put it in reverse.
Why'd I put it in reverse.
'Cause now you're goin' backwards, friend.
Arthur, look.
I'm doing it! I'm doing it! Very good, honey.