The King of Queens s05e21 Episode Script

Clothes Encounter

My eyes are gettin' weary My back is gettin' tight I'm sittin' here in traffic On the Queensboro Bridge tonight But I don't care, 'cause all I want to do Is cash my check and drive right home to you 'Cause, baby, all my life I will be drivin' home to you Whatcha got there? A Hungry-Man dinner.
But I'm making dinner in half an hour.
Well, will you be offering me "over one pound of food"? It was my every hope not to.
And will you be serving your dinner in little compartments 'cause food just tastes better that way? I was just gonna stick with the traditional plate format.
Well, then you've really made my decision for me, haven't you? All right, electric bill, 75.
14.
Thanks for nothing, Con Ed.
Why can't we just make our own electricity, you know? Hook your dad up to, like, a big hamster wheel.
All right, come on.
Make yourself useful.
Add up on the calculator all the bills I already paid.
OK, you ready? Yes'm.
And 75.
14.
What do you got? It seems high.
What do you want? The calculator's the size of a cracker.
My finger hits all the buttons at once.
All right.
So I am getting 292.
10, which means we have enough left over to pay our credit card bill.
For the month? No, for good.
It's been hanging over our heads for 6 years, and it's finally over.
Let me see that.
No longer being Master Card's bitch? Priceless.
I gotta tell you, honey, we're really digging ourselves out of the hole here.
I mean, we're paying off our credit card bill, we're paying your parents back.
We're making headway on the car.
You know what? We may avoid debtor's prison after all.
Sweet.
Yeah.
Although, in prison, they serve food in the little compartments.
No, I'm really proud of us.
You know, this cutting back, not eating out, not shopping.
It's really helping.
Told you we could do it.
I gotta tell you, though.
The not shopping part has been really hard on me.
I walk 6 blocks out of my way to work to avoid Bloomingdale's.
That's funny.
I cut through Bloomingdale's to avoid Wendy's.
Hey, crazy thought here.
Since we've both been so thrifty lately, maybe tomorrow we could each pick ourselves up a little treat? What do you mean? I don't know.
Just a little something to say, "Hey, Doug.
Hey, Carrie, you done good.
" I like the way you think, big guy.
All right, let's meet here tomorrow, treats in hand.
What's the matter? one.
So close.
Did that sound like the beginning of Thunder Road? The last time I heard Thunder Road, I didn't wanna kill myself, so I'm gonna say no.
Well, I've only had this thing about an hour and a half, so back it down.
Sorry.
I'm stressed.
I'm having some girlfriend trouble.
Really? Why don't you tell it to the blues man? I'm sorry.
What's up? Denise is terrified of dogs.
She won't even set foot in my apartment because of Allen here.
Are you sure it's Allen and not the life-sized Lost In Space robot? I'm being serious, man.
I don't know what to do.
Well, let's see.
You haven't had a girlfriend in 5 years.
Why don't you take the dog for a ride? OK.
Uh, I don't like that kind of talk even in jest, OK? I gotta go.
Oh, come on! Hey, wait.
I'll play you a little Spence's Theme, huh? Good-bye.
Hello? Hey! Hey, honey.
What's that? Uh, a little treat I bought myself.
Listen.
I call that Carrie's Theme.
That's your treat? Yeah.
How much was it? It was, like, 28 bucks, and they threw in the neck holder.
It's great.
So now I can play while I drive or while we make love.
What'd you get? Oh, n-nothing special.
Let me see.
What's in the bag? Take it out.
Come on.
A leather jacket? How much did that cost? What?! Well, I was gonna buy these cute little bath soaps, but then I saw this and I just thought it would be better.
Well, you said we should buy ourselves something that says we done good, and this says I done good! No, that says I done spent a crapload of money! All right, you know what? You're right.
You're right.
I'm gonna take it back.
I can't believe you! We just got out of debt, and you go out and do something like this? You're right.
You're right.
I mean, $400, that's gonna put us right back in the hole.
I just said I will take it back.
Well, you gave in too soon! I'm still mad! That's our new Yves Saint Laurent summer suit.
Isn't it fun? Oh, yes.
It's beautiful.
You know, it's 20% off.
It normally goes for 1,800.
Oh, great.
Uh, no.
No.
I'm just here to return a leather jacket.
I bought it yesterday.
Oh.
Was there some problem with it? Uh, no.
Actually, uh, when I got home last night, it turns out my husband already bought me a leather jacket.
He does that kind of stuff all the time.
He's a doctor.
No problem.
We have a In fact, you could've enjoyed this for 6 more days.
Check it out.
Scaring me You know what this is? This is the new Yves Saint Laurent suit.
What? You went shopping? I thought we just talked about this.
Yeah.
Guess how much it cost me.
I'm guessing more than $20.
Well, it sells for $1,800, but for me, it was nothing.
Nada.
Zip.
What? That's right, I found a loophole in the system! I could still go shopping.
If I see something I like, I just buy it, I tuck in the tags when I wear it, and then I keep it really clean.
And then in 7 to 30 days, depending on the store, I take it back for a full refund.
Slap it high! Come on! No, I ain't slapping it high.
Why not? Because what you're doing is wrong.
It's not wrong.
I'm being thrifty.
No, you're being shoplifty.
The only reason stores let you return stuff is if there's a problem with it.
There is a problem with it, Doug.
It cost $1,800.
Oh, slap it high, buddy! Come on! That's gotta stop right there.
Come on.
Look, I know I'm not being Mother Theresa, but we can't afford to buy clothes right now, and you know that I love to have nice clothes.
So, if I do this once in a while to make myself feel good, is that so wrong? You're nuts, you know that? All right.
Whatever.
Knock yourself out.
Thank you.
Hey, you want me to buy you a Sony Playstation for 7 to 30 days? No.
I want no part of this.
All right.
Hey, so, um, what do you want for dinner-- In 5, 4, 3, 2, 1.
Damn, I'm good.
OK, we're coming out.
You ready? Sure.
OK.
Hey, Allen.
This is Denise.
You remember Denise.
Don't worry.
She does not have a fire extinguisher today.
Say hi, Denise.
H-H-Hi, Allen.
I'm gonna set him down here nice and slow.
There you go.
Now you can pet him.
Nice doggie.
Come on, touch him.
He's like a little brown pillow.
Aah! I did it! I did it! We're making some real progress.
Now, I'm gonna go into the kitchen and get us some beverages.
What? What? I'll be right back.
I'm just gonna let you two get acquainted.
Allen, Denise was born in Michigan.
It's true.
See? You two did great.
How are you feeling? OK, I guess.
I think the three of us are gonna get along just fine.
Aah! Aaaaah! How could anyone be scared of that little dog? He's so cute.
His little bug eyes.
His little tail.
Whoo-hoo-hoo.
He's cute, right? I've actually never looked directly at him.
Hey, Spence, I got you down for chicken lo mein and an egg roll.
Deac, you got spare ribs and beef and broccoli, right? Actually, I think I ordered too much meat.
Really? I think you ordered too much broccoli.
Hello, guys.
Hey, Car.
Hey, babe.
Whoa! Smokin' outfit! Oh, this? Just a little something I picked up at a little store called Prada.
But you're sweet.
Honey, we're ordering Chinese food.
Do you want me to hang on to the receipt in case you wanna return it when we're done? Ha ha ha.
Listen, you can make your little jokes, but I gotta tell you, honey.
Ever since I've been wearing these clothes to work, it's like they don't look at me like I'm just a secretary anymore.
As a matter of fact, you know what happened today? Mr.
Kaplan invited us to his annual bash out in the Hamptons.
Things just keep gettin' better.
Come on, it'll be fun.
Oh! Oh.
Little favor.
What? Um, this dress and these shoes need to go back tomorrow to 2 different stores.
I'm not gonna have the time, so if you could just return the shoes for me, that would be great.
Oh, no.
I'm not getting sucked into your web of bringing things back.
But, Doug, you have to.
If not, then we just bought a pair of $350 shoes.
Well, what do I even say? OK, it's simple.
All you have to say is these are a size 6.
Turns out I needed 61/2, and they don't have half sizes, so you're home free.
Fine, but I'm building that go-cart.
I'm returning these shoes.
It's a return.
Can I help you? Yes, I'd like to, uh, return these.
Oh.
Pity.
Yeah.
Uh, they're a little on the small side.
My wife's a 61/2, and those there, they're a 6.
But these are 6 1/2.
No, they're 6.
See? See the 6? Yeah, but there's an umlaut over the 6.
In Europe, that means 6 1/2.
Why don't I get you a size 7, and those should be right.
No.
No.
No 7s.
She'd be swimming in a 7.
But you just said these were tight on her.
Yes.
Um, you know, it's not really a length issue.
Uh, her feet are more roundish.
They're like hooves, actually.
Uh-huh.
Would you excuse me one second? Yeah.
Heindrich? Ja? Hey.
What do you think of my Dolce and Ga-borrowed? That's great.
Here you go.
Are those the shoes? I told you to return those! I couldn't do it.
What happened?! I told you exactly what to say! You weren't there.
It was like going through customs with a suitcase full of heroin.
This screws up everything.
All right, the belt has to go back to Gucci tomorrow, so if I go during lunch, I can take the shoes back in the morning.
Oh, crap.
They don't open till 10:00.
Don't these people understand I have a job? OK, the belt.
The belt.
The belt.
Where's the belt? Where's the belt? Oh, my God.
Here's the belt.
Honey, oh, don't touch that.
That hasn't been processed.
OK.
So, if I take the shoes back at lunch, they're a day late, but I'll cry.
I think I could push it through.
But the belt.
The belt.
OK.
Oh, all right.
I'll take it when I take the sweater back.
They've got a Gucci counter at Saks.
OK, everything's fine! Mmm.
Everything not fine.
What's going on here? You said you were only gonna do this with a couple of things.
What difference does it make? Everything's gonna get returned on time.
Carrie, there's, like, 100 things in here.
What if you mess up? What if we get stuck having to pay for something? Everything is under control, OK? Everything gets tagged, bagged, and returned on time.
The system works! Yeah, it works great if you're the guy in A Beautiful Mind.
It's not a system.
It's a disease.
Oh, come on.
No, it is.
You buy a bunch of stuff.
You get a big buzz off that.
Then you turn around, you bring it back.
It's like it's like you have shopping bulimia.
All right.
You know, you are way over the top here.
It's not a disease.
It's just something that makes me feel good.
End of story.
What are you doing? Nothing.
I have an itch.
Your arm's all red here.
Why is it all red? It's just where I tuck in the tags.
Oh, my God.
You've given yourself a rash.
You have tag rash! Would you stop? It's nothing! It's not nothing! You're killing yourself.
Or at least irritating yourself quite a bit on one arm.
Now this is getting way out of control.
Carrie, it's taken over your life.
But I can't take this stuff back, Doug.
It's the nicest wardrobe I've ever had.
It's not yours.
Now end this.
For me.
Fine.
I'll take it back.
I may need to borrow your truck.
Hey, buddy.
You're gonna love the Freibergers.
They've got a big yard and kids.
And I'll be there to see you every weekend.
You know, it'll be just like old times.
I'm sorry.
I said that I wasn't gonna do this.
Can we, um, move this along, please? Yeah.
I'll just, uh I'll just get my coat and get him out of here.
He saved me! I think we're gonna make it.
Wow.
My boss has really done good for himself, huh? Yeah, if you're into the sprawling beach estate thing.
Carrie! Oh, speak of the devil.
Mr.
Kaplan, hi.
Thank you so much for inviting us.
You remember my husband Doug.
Oh, sure.
Glad you could make it.
Oh, and that must be little Harrison.
Yeah.
I got a wife, 3 nannies, and something they call an au pair, and yet I'm stuck holding the damn thing.
Could you hold him for a second? I wanna go find Tiffany.
Oh, you know, I really shouldn't, you know? I've always been a bit of a butterfingers.
You know, even as a kid, all my dolls just splat! I trust you.
Thank you.
What is wrong with you? Nothing.
Carrie, he's a baby.
He's not a badger.
Hold him.
I just--I really shouldn't be holding him, that's all.
What do you mean? What--why do you-- Wait a second.
Is that one of those expensive designer things? I don't know.
I don't think so.
I thought you told me you were bringing them all back.
I couldn't.
Why not? I went through the room this morning.
It was empty.
Yes, because I brought 'em all down to my dad's room.
I told him I won them all in a game show.
I can't believe you.
How much did this thing cost, anyway? I don't know.
Shominy! Stop.
I couldn't drag Tiffany away from her friends.
She's busy showing off her new lips.
Anyway, big favor to ask.
Apparently this little guy needs to be fed.
Would you mind doing the honors? Oh.
Uh Boy, uh, what you got there? It's very, uh very blue.
Fresh mashed blueberries.
Come on, Carrie.
Get in there.
OK.
Here you go.
Make sure you get it all in your mouth, buddy.
Careful there, honey.
You're losing a little on the left side there.
You know what? I'm just gonna run and get you a napkin.
Uh-oh.
I've seen that look before.
Oh, Doug, I'm so sorry.
I'll go get someone to get you a wet towel.
Well, at least we own that.
Doug, you coming? Let's get it on.