The King of Queens s05e22 Episode Script

Queens'bro Bridge

Hello.
Mm-hmm.
Oh, hold on a second.
I'll get him.
Arthur, phone! Who is it? It's Louis DiRobertus from some law firm.
Tell him to drop dead.
OK, I'm not gonna tell him to drop dead.
Then tell him to go to hell.
Not telling him that, either.
Then you go to hell.
You go to hell! Drop dead! Sorry.
Wrong number.
My eyes are gettin' weary My back is gettin' tight I'm sittin' here in traffic On the Queensboro Bridge tonight But I don't care, 'cause all I wanna do Is cash my check and drive right home to you 'Cause, baby, all my life I will be drivin' home to you I'm not gonna tell him to go to hell, Dad! Then you go to hell! Oy! Try again tomorrow.
OK, bye.
That lawyer again? Yeah.
Why does he keep calling? What'd your father do, anyway? I don't know, but I'm thinking we'd better be ready to throw him in the car and just drive.
Oh, man.
You think he knocked someone up and they're hunting him down for child support? No.
How creepy would that be? Arthur's demon spawn running around out there.
Eww.
Um he is my father, remember? Oh, yeah.
Still.
Kids, I'm heading out to the movies.
Got a sandwich up my sleeve, and a Mr.
Pibb in my breast pocket.
Do I look lumpy? No more than usual.
Uh, Dad, before you go, uh what's the story with this lawyer who keeps calling? Are you in some kind of trouble or something? Trouble? Oh, no.
Not at all, darling.
It's just about some outstanding paperwork for the house I own over on Borcher Avenue with my half-brother Skitch.
Well, have a good evening.
Borcher Avenue.
Oh! OK, that must have been his aunt's house.
She died, like, 10 years ago, and she didn't have any kids, so she must have left it to my dad and Skitch.
He owns a house? Yeah, but I guess he never did anything with it, because he hates my Uncle Skitch, like Tom and Jerry hate, you know what I'm saying? He owns a house? Yes.
The man who's stolen hundreds of dollars in change from me owns a house?! Yes.
Will you relax, Doug? It's not like he ever could have lived there.
He hasn't talked to my Uncle Skitch in, like, 20 years.
The man who's walked in on us having sex 9 times-- and me twice-- owns a house?! Would you stop making yourself crazy? I mean, the good news is maybe we'll get a little inheritance someday, all right? Now, I'm gonna go change.
Will you take the chicken out of the freezer? Chicken's defrosting nicely.
I also took the liberty of setting the table.
Now-- He's not moving out, Doug.
Why not?! Because he's an old man, OK? We can't just expect to throw him in a empty house by himself and hope he survives.
Why not?! Because, Doug, when we left him alone in this house he started a small fire, and managed to change our long distance carrier.
Look, OK.
How about this? What if he didn't live there alone? What about if he went with his brother-- What's his name? Snitch, Satch.
Skitch.
Yeah! Where's he at? The brothers could live together.
Did you hear a word I said? My father won't even talk to him.
Oh, like, we talk to each other so much really? Look, Carrie, even if they don't get along, you know, they could put a piece of tape down the middle of the house-- each take a side.
It worked for the Brady kids.
Oh, really? Did Peter ever call Greg a son of a bitch rat bastard? May have.
I didn't see every episode.
Uh I'm pretty sure you did.
Look, can't we just get them together.
See if they can hash it out? No, we can't.
I tried.
When?! A couple of years ago I was going across the George Washington Bridge.
I ran into Skitch.
He's a toll-taker there.
I got his number, I gave it to my father, who crumpled it up and swallowed it.
He owns a house! Carrie, do you understand what's going on here? It's like we've been stranded on Gilligan's Island for the past 5 years, and the whole time there's a boat on the other side of the lagoon! OK, so first it's the Brady Bunch, now it's Gilligan's Island.
What's next? I Dream of Jeannie, Doug? Actually, yeah, 'cause I wish he would move out.
OK, listen to me.
I agree, if my dad and Skitch were to become best friends and move in together, it would be fantastic.
But it's never gonna happen.
Let me take a crack at it.
No! Why not?! Doug, come on.
If you bring this up to my father, he's just gonna go crazy, so I am begging you.
Please leave this alone.
Swell of you to take me to the circus, Douglas.
Sure, buddy.
Hey, how about when that clown went to throw that bucket of water on you, huh? It turned out to be confetti.
He had me! He really had me! The look on your face.
Ahh, well time to hop across the ol' G.
W.
Bridge and head on home.
Hey, why don't you shimmy over to that exact change lane over there? I always got plenty of change on me.
I know you do.
No, I think we'll stay here in Lane 9.
It's my, uh, lucky number.
Wait a minute.
I know for a fact that 5 is your lucky number.
What's going on here? $6.
00 please.
Hey, S.
Spooner, wait a second.
Isn't that your half brother Skitch? You know damn well it is, you fat turncoat! That you, Artie? How you doing? Let me out of this car.
Arthur, I got the child safety locks on.
I think I can get past child safety locks.
Just open it, Douglas! So how you been, Artie? You never call.
Would you just talk to your brother? So you must be Carrie's husband, right? Yeah, yeah.
Doug Heffernan.
Nice to meet you.
Nice to meet you.
So where are you fellas coming from? The circus? Yeah, yeah.
Uh, you know what? We're gonna whip around.
We'll see you in about 25 minutes.
See you, Artie! There are the fellas.
That's $6.
00.
Oh, uh, can you break a 20? I can only give you singles.
Is that all right? You don't have any fives? Why are we back here?! So you can talk to this man, now, come on.
He seems very, very nice.
Nice? Thanks to him I went all the way through school being called "monkey boy.
" Come on, Artie.
You had those long arms, and you didn't help your cause riding around on that tricycle everywhere.
I don't know.
Monkey boy sounds pretty cool to me, you know? Almost like a superhero.
This looks like a job for Monkey Boy! Well, I was his victim in a thousand other ways, too.
I was bullied.
I was scapegoated.
I was constantly being sneezed on! Oh, all right, I admit I did some pretty stupid things to you.
Why? Why?! You chew on that.
Be right back.
I did those things because it was the only way I could get Dad's approval.
Oh, yeah? Well, what about after he died? You made fun of me in your eulogy, for God's sake! I thought that's what he would have wanted.
That's $6.
00.
Oh, we got a semi.
Gotta go.
You did so! I did not.
You did! Never! At least 5 times.
Twice.
OK, that was a $6.
00 awkward pause.
Now, you two have had your ups and downs, but the bottom line is you're half brothers.
Do you understand what a special bond that is? I never had a half brother.
I had a full sister, and it sucked.
Now, come on, guys.
What do you say you bury the hatchet before it's too late? I'm sorry for everything.
You were the best half brother a guy could have asked for.
I was? Sure you were.
Damn it, Artie, I love you.
All right.
I love you, too, Skitch.
Come here, you.
That'll be $6.
00.
Wow.
This is sweet.
Hey, look at this place, Skitchy.
Really takes me back.
Hey, remember when we used to play hide-and-seek in here? Oh, sure.
We had lots of fun.
Hey, if you guys decide to move in together, you can play hide-and-seek whenever you want.
Oh, please.
At our age, we'd be lucky if we played once on weekends.
So what do you think, Skitchy? Should we do this?! It'd be a hell of a step up from the room I'm renting over that Chinese joint.
I knew I liked the way you smelled.
Let's do it.
Great.
Come on! Let's go check out the old backyard.
The old backyard.
Hello! Doug? Welcome! What--I--I just came over from work.
I got your message.
What the hell is going on? Well, Arthur and I happened to be coming back from the circus, and when we got to the bridge-- Oh, Doug! Would you let me finish, Carrie, OK? Yeah, we found Skitch.
And you know what? They made up, and they want to live together.
They want to! I told you to leave this alone.
No, no, what you said was, if they could work it out, that would be fantastic, and I made it happen! You shouldn't be yelling at me.
You should be carrying me out of here on your shoulders.
Not literally.
You would die.
I don't know.
I mean, come on.
Look at this place.
It's a disaster.
It's filthy.
The--the walls are crumbling.
The carpet's ripped.
Come on.
It's probably just protecting beautiful hardwood floors.
Better yet.
Cement.
That ain't going anywhere right there.
All it needs is a little TLC.
I can fix it.
I don't know, I mean, even if you did, I don't want my dad living this far away from us.
It's 6 blocks! I've eaten sandwiches longer than that.
I don't care.
I just--I don't think it's a good idea.
Why not? Give me one reason why not.
Because I don't think it's the right thing for my father.
OK, first of all, I got to tell you I think it's great for your father.
And second of all, what about you and me? I mean, isn't it time we started thinking about us? Do you understand what's going on here? This is our chance to finally get off the island.
The boat is just there waiting.
It's like I'm the Professor and you're Mary Ann.
All we gotta do is hop on board and sail away! Sail away with me! Wait a second.
You're the Professor? OK, I'm the Skipper.
Come on.
What do you say? I don't know.
I mean, do you think my dad would really be happy here with Skitch? Are you kidding? Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Where you going with that, chief? Oh, I was gonna take Aunt Rita's room.
Oh, sorry.
Already got that one.
That's all right.
I'm the little brother, so I'll take the smaller room.
Uh-uh-uh-uh.
Uh, I already turned that into my art studio.
I need a place to do my painting.
You paint? Sure.
By numbers.
So where am I supposed to sleep? The sewing room.
What? There's barely room for a bed in there, and there's no windows.
Look, Artie, sometimes I can't sleep at night.
I need to be near my paints.
You haven't changed a bit! I don't have to put up with this.
I don't have to live in a lousy sewing room! It just so happens I have a basement! All right, so what have you got? Oh, good, all right, so we'll put the desk there and the bookcase over there.
OK, and where precisely will we be throwing down? We have the old fold-out couch for that, and that will be right here.
Sure all that stuff's gonna fit here? Yeah, well, once we get the bed and all this other crap out of here, we'll have a lot of space.
OK.
Don't laugh when I say this: old-fashioned popcorn machine.
Gotta say, not hating it.
Hey, Deac, I got another one.
Ebony and ivory Live together in perfect harm-- --Ony I don't care if you are buying me dinner at Appleby's.
I'm doing you a favor, and I can leave anytime I want.
You're doing great, but it's lunch.
Right over there, boys.
Oh.
There you go.
So you actually play this thing? Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Maybe Arthur and I can get an act together.
I'll be the organ grinder, he'll be the monkey.
We'll get him a little round cap.
Nobody will know the difference.
Come on, monkey boy.
Let's go make these fellas some sandwiches, and maybe I'll find a banana for you.
Skitch is kind of rough, isn't he? What are you talking about? I don't know.
The way he treats Arthur.
He's just playing with him.
It's hilarious.
It's like they're a comedy team.
Arthur's been taking one gut punch after another all day.
He's the straight man.
Whatever, man.
I just think it's kind of funky.
It's not funky, it's happy, OK? Everybody's happy, so if you feel the need to create some sort of problem between my father-in-law and my half-uncle-in-law, then maybe you should just go.
All right.
See ya.
Actually, we've still got to move the beds.
Hey.
Hey.
How's life over at Phi Delta Spooner? Excellent.
I got to tell you, honey, you were right about this whole thing.
I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my head.
You know, I danced a jig today.
That's right.
Right there on the subway.
A guy gave me a dollar.
You done good, baby.
You know me.
I aim to please.
No, sir.
I aim to please.
I have 5 years to make up to you, so after you drop this stuff off at my dad's tonight, it's all about Dougie.
Really? That's right.
I got a drum of chocolate pudding, and I ain't afraid to use it.
Hello! Get the door, will ya! Costco delivery.
I come bearing cereal, pasta, and the last bottle of shampoo you'll ever need.
Thank you.
Wow.
The place looks great.
All that's left is for you guys to sit back, relax, and enjoy the good life, huh? Right.
Hey, Bonzo, my bath isn't gonna draw itself.
OK.
You guys seem like you're in the middle of something, so I'm going to take off.
Good night.
Why the hell don't I hear the water running? You know, that's shampoo and conditioner in one.
Yes, I do.
I do.
Arthur, come here.
Look, I don't think you should be living here with this guy.
So what do you propose I do? Well, I think you should just Do you own any other properties in the area? A home? A piece of land we could park a trailer on? No.
OK, fine.
You should-- You should come home with us.
But what about my room? You've already turned it into your popcorn and sex grotto.
I don't care about that, OK? You shouldn't be living here with this guy.
You should be home in your own room, living with the people who well, the people who love you.
Really? Yeah.
Great.
I'll get my things, tell that son of a bitch good-bye, and you, me, and Carrie will spend a wonderful evening together.
Oh, uh, whoa.
What? Tonight's not great.
Um you think you might be able to stick it out just one more day? OK.
All right.
Yeah, I know I said today, but could we push it back to tomorrow? All right.
Really want you home, big guy, but could you just wait till Monday? Fine.
Artie, did you take one of my Fig Newtons? Oh, God.
Tell you what.
Give me a call the first of next month, 'cause I really want to make this movin' back thing happen.
Doug, you coming? Be right there.
I got to go.
I'm back.
Deal with it.
Mmm.
This pudding is delicious.
You have any more? We got a lot.