The King of Queens s06e17 Episode Script

Multiple Plots

Hey, babe.
Have a seat, 'Cause i am making my man a good, hearty breakfast.
Oh, you know what? I'm not gonna have time.
I'm gotta get in early.
Why? Well, mark donovan- You met him.
You know, the driver with the weird ear? Don't know him.
Sure you do.
You know, it's all folded up like a fortune cookie.
I'm going to be honest with you, hon.
You work with a lot of freaks.
Anyway, he's getting transferred, And all of a sudden, i got a whole new route.
All right.
Well, i guess i'll just give these to my dad.
You know what? I'll just eat 'em in the car.
Wait a minute.
How are you gonna eat pancakes, Drink coffee, and drive? I've eaten won ton soup Driving through san francisco on a motorcycle.
I think i can handle a couple flapjacks.
Could you get the door? Thank you.
Darling, I was wondering what arrangements you've made Vis-À-Vis your final resting place.
I don't plan on checking out just yet.
That's exactly what my boyhood friend Freddy gimple used to say Until someone shoved him under the "l" train.
Bet that left a mark.
Of course it left a mark.
He was hit by a locomotive.
What's your point here, dad? My point is shady acres.
I have a wonderful plot for sale, And i'd like to offer you first crack at it.
I purchased his-And-Her plots for me and lily, And after the divorce, i got stuck with them, And unless the people at jake and the fat man Finally decide to buy one of my ideas, I can't afford both.
When i die, i want to be buried next to doug.
Oh, please.
Like you kids are gonna make it.
Hey, arthur.
Are you ready for your walk? Quite ready.
Hey, listen, carrie, can i ask you something? Sure.
Um, i know you've been out of work for a while, And-Well, i was just thinking I have a lot of people who need their dogs walked, And i can't handle them all, and-I'm probably Way of out line.
I mean, i know you were like A big secretary and everything.
Oh, no, no, no, it's not that.
It's just that I don't really want to be a dog walker.
You know? I mean, i don't think I'm quite that desperate yet.
Ha ha! Not that there's anything wrong With being a dog walker.
I mean, i'm pretty sure it wasn't your life dream, Am i right? Heh heh! Or if it is, then you are living it, girl.
Well, i just thought i'd ask.
You know, you can make like 100 bucks a day.
Ok, calm down! Ok, ow! Hang on! Hang on! Hello.
Uh did i come at a bad time? Not at all.
All right.
Then if you could just Give me your quick john han-Ahem-Cock, I'll be on my way.
Ooh, great.
These must be sally's feet.
Huh? Don't call the police.
I'm a doll doctor.
I take broken dolls and make them whole again.
That's, uh pretty creepy.
Ok, if you could just sign here.
Oh! Mr.
Belvedere! Say hello to our new i.
Guy! Hey, why don't you show him your dance? He loves to dance.
Come on! Whoo! Shake it! Whoa! Oh! Almost lost it.
Could you just sign this, please? Ok.
I get a lot of packages.
You and i are gonna be tied at the hip.
Whoo-Oh! Almost lost her again.
All right, then.
Take care now.
Hey, your pen! Nah, keep it! Ok, arthur.
What's this opportunity of a lifetime? You'll see in a moment.
Just lie back like this.
Why? Just do it.
Now what? Picture me and you like this till the sun burns out.
What are you talking about? Shady acres.
Turns out i have an extra burial plot, And i'd like to offer you first crack at it.
No offense, arthur, But i plan on being married some day.
I'm gonna want to be buried next to my wife.
Well, that plan seems right on track.
You're 45 and living with an iguana.
Hey, i'm 37, and allen is my dog! All right, arthur, i'm not gonna buy The burial plot next to you.
You're gonna have to find someone else.
Hey, mom! I come bearing pants.
Arthur! What a pleasant surprise.
How come you never took me up On my dinner invitation? I'm sorry.
I was in greenland doing research.
How was that? Quite nice.
Turns out it's actually more of a bluish green.
Go try on your pants.
Let me know if there's enough room in the crotch.
Mom! He knows you have a crotch.
Go! So, what's this i hear about You selling a cemetery plot? Because i haven't made any arrangements For myself yet.
Have you considered burial at sea? It's all the rage.
No! I'm an old-Fashioned girl.
Now, see, this place looks very nice.
Well, you know, it's very expensive.
Oh! How much? The timing is perfect! I just got a $3,000 settlement For a botched tummy tuck.
How fortuitous.
Mmm! Well welcome to shady acres.
Ok, finish it up.
I know women who've given birth faster than this.
Finally! Let's go.
Let's go.
Let's go.
Let's go! Hey, lady, pick up after your dog! It's the law! Oh, is it? Is there a law against that haircut? 'Cause there should be.
Ok, let's go.
Let's go! Carrie? Hey, guys.
How are you? I'm good.
Really good.
I should throw this out.
So, how are things at the firm? Great.
Everybody misses you.
Looks like you're keeping busy.
You know, getting fired was the best thing That ever happened to me, you know? Yeah, i need a little break from the law thing, So now i'm doing a little dog walking.
This one's cute.
What's his name? Uh, i don't know, But i call him sir poopsalot.
And then we got humpy and stupid And pees-When-You- Touch-Him.
Anyway, i should- I should get going.
Should get these guys home and still have Enough time to stick my head in the oven, so let's go.
Let's go.
Great seeing you! Uh-Huh! What's up with you? Towel guy again.
the guy answers the door, Nothing but a towel.
It's not like he's even coming out of the shower.
He's not even wet.
And you'd rather see him wet? I don't know, ok? All i'm saying is one day's he's gonna Get sloppy with that towel tuck, That towel's gonna hit the floor and i'm in an italian deli.
Well, i'm actually with doug on this one.
When i was 5-Ahem.
I saw my grandmother naked once.
To this day, it still haunts me.
What, did you walk in on her in the bathroom? No.
Me and my brother hid in her closet.
Come on, pants.
Come on, pants! Hey, you're late today.
Excuse the appearance.
I'm doing my baking.
I gotta wash up.
I've got some fudge on my hands.
Come on in.
Mama! Oh, my god! Hey, doug? Yeah, yeah? Could you do me a favor? Sure.
I got a box of hair up on the top shelf I need to get.
Will you hold the ladder for me? Oh, uh, ok.
Yeah, sure.
Hey, while you're down there, will you grab my package? What?! The package you just brought me.
I want to put it away while i'm up here.
Ohh! Thank you, god! Would you throw a damn card? Relax.
By the way, you should try the cookies.
They're delicious.
You know what else is delicious? Gin.
When you have it.
Hey, arthur, you ready? Yes.
Thanks for the lift.
I'll just grab my coat.
Oh, arthur? Evelyn.
I saw your flyer.
Is your plot at shady acres still available? Why, yes, it is.
Oh, wonderful! It is wonderful.
And you are wonderful.
Arthur, what are you doing? Nothing.
He's my driver.
Let's put a pin in this until tomorrow's pottery class.
Ok! You sold that plot to my mother! Deal's off.
You can't do that! But evelyn was miss yonkers 1957.
I don't care.
That's my mom's plot.
Look, i have a chance to walk Into the pearly gates with a bombshell.
Just tell your mother she'll have to work it out.
No, arthur, all right? Being dead next to you is all she can talk about.
She's at the cemetery now checking it out.
If you're gonna crush her dream, do it yourself.
You see that building over there? Across the river? That's the building where i used to work.
Yeah, that's right.
And not once in all my time there Did anybody ever throw up and try to eat it.
How'd you get so many dogs? Oh, they're not mine.
I'm just walking them.
I wish i had one, but my mom won't let me.
You like dogs, do you? Yeah.
Well, you know, uh, i just might be willing To let you walk mine.
Really? Yeah.
And not just once.
How about every monday, Wednesday, and friday? How's that sound? Well, i do have hebrew school.
All right, listen.
If you're not serious about this, I can find somebody who is, ok? No, no, no, no! I'll do it.
All right.
Well, if all goes well and you meet me back here In 2 hours sharp, i will give you a dollar! Thanks.
I would've done it for free.
Damn it.
All right, well, here you go.
Here's the poop bags right there, And then there's their treats, And one of them gets the pill.
I don't know which one, But i've just been giving it to that one.
He seems to like it.
All right, there you go.
Now get on out of here.
Have a good time.
We'll see you in a little bit.
Bye-Bye! Scoot, scoot! Hey, what's up, player? Yeah, how's it going? You got any change? 'Cause i'm a little short here.
You got change? Very funny, guys.
Very mature, yeah.
Uh, mr.
O'boyle, i really need to talk to you.
Yeah, ok, well, you know, i'll just tell corporate That i couldn't get the quarterlies done Because heffernan really needed to talk to me.
What? I was just wondering if there's any way I could stop delivery to 1616 meridian street.
Why is that? Well, the guy who lives there, He always answers the door in a towel.
Oh, for god sakes! Heffernan, it's called a turban.
You remember anything from sensitivity training? No, no, no.
The towel's around his waist.
So? I don't know.
It's just-It's weird.
Ok, so you don't want to deliver To weird people anymore, huh? Well, you know, maybe you should just make up a list of people That you'd be willing to deliver to, And then i can work around you.
How about this? Just supermodels and bakeries.
I'm not asking that.
I mean, i wouldn't Fight you on it, either- Heffernan, i can't help you out here.
I mean, if the guy had a vicious dog or something, Then maybe i could do something for you.
You know, he does- He does have a dog.
Is he vicious? Yeah.
Why didn't you just say so, then? You don't have to go making up stories about a guy in a towel.
Fill out this 10-17, you don't have to go there anymore.
Well, thanks a lot, mr.
No, no, no.
No, no, no! You're new here.
You haven't earned that! Veronica, there you are.
Oh, arthur, hi! It's so lovely here.
What a place to die.
What cemetery are you at? The grass hasn't been mowed.
There's poor drainage.
I have no choice but to give you a full refund.
Oh, don't be ridiculous! I love it here.
You'll love it till it rains And you're floating down the expressway.
Oh, stop! Look, you can't have the plot.
What are you talking about? I met someone else.
Who? Evelyn ross.
You may know her as miss yonkers 1957.
I don't believe this.
I already paid you.
And here's your money back.
Where's the rest? You'll get it when i return A now slightly used mustache groomer To hammacher-Schlemmer.
Oh, right.
That sounds like another one of your lies, Like when you said you were in greenland.
I was in greenland! I saw you in waldbaum's! I had 2 days off! You know i understand that you hate me.
What i don't get is that when you're dead, What difference does it make who you're next to? Open your ears! She's miss yonkers! Veronica.
You'll find another plot, i know.
What do you care, anyway? I care very deeply.
Here's one.
Beautiful spot.
Right to next to bill johnson.
Huh? Bill johnson? I knew a bill johnson years ago.
I wonder if it's the same one? Of course it's the same one.
How many bill johnsons could there be? Oh! You know, way back when, Bill and i actually had a little thing for each other, But we were both too shy to act on it.
Well, better late than never.
I say we go to the office And see what we can do To get you in this grave today.
Carrie? Oh.
Hey, hol.
What are you doing here? Don't you usually walk your dogs At the park on hillside? I do, but they found a body there, So we thought we'd try something new.
Where are your dogs? Uh, oh! They were here a minute ago.
All right, you guys! I'm gonna count to 10! This isn't funny! They're only messing with me 'cause you're here.
Speaking of you, you look great.
Is that tan real? Hi, mrs.
Hey! What are you doing with my dogs? Walking them.
You paid me to.
Tsk! No one likes a liar, son.
Shouldn't you be in hebrew school? Ok, carrie, what is going on here? That's what i'd like to know.
Carrie! All-Yeah, all right, you want to know What's going on? I hate this, ok? That's what's going on! I hate dogs.
I hate poop.
I hate outside.
So you're pawning them off on a 9-Year-Old? Look, he is better at this than i am.
I mean, he walks them and washes them, And he does it all for a dollar a day.
A dollar a day? Mm-Hmm! Look, it's my job, pal, all right? Please! Please! I'll give you a doll! I'm just trying to do my job here, all right? You can't take my dog! This is so unfair! You cannot take my dog! I'm sorry, sir.
No, please! What's going on? Doug, they're trying to take mr.
Belvedere away! Someone filed a complaint.
They said he bit someone.
They're gonna put him to sleep! This guy wouldn't do that, would you? Me? No.
That's bruce's job.
This is-This is crazy.
Belvedere isn't vicious.
He's a sweetheart.
Aren't you, mr.
Belvedere? Aren't you- Oh, god! Is he biting you? Oh, no.
We're just playing a little game of clampsy.
Oh, jeez, he's going for the high score now.
Look at that! All right! You want- You want to try? No, no, thank you.
Ok! Rematch later.
Look, someone reported him.
I gotta do this.
Oh! All right, look, it was me, all right.
What? I put in the complaint.
But why? He's been nothing but good to you.
He danced for you! Why would you do that? Because you come to the door in a towel! So you kill my dog?! Not me.
Look, you gotta let the dog go.
All right? I officially withdraw my complaint.
And the next time you two have a lovers' spat, Leave animal control out of it.
It's ok, mr.
I know you didn't bite anybody.
Actually, he did.
He bit me pretty good just now.
Oh, my god! You're bleeding.
Here, take my towel.
Oh! Evelyn, i don't understand.
I thought we had a deal.
Well, arthur, it's just that, um, Well, i've met someone else.
And i think i would prefer to be buried with him.
I see.
Well, follow your heart.
And i certainly hope you both die very soon.
Arthur? Time for your walk.
Tell me, son, have you made your arrangements For the hereafter? Because i got a plot for sale, And i'd like to give you first crack at it.