The King of Queens s06e18 Episode Script

Trash Talker

Douglas, will you please pass the catsup? The what? The catsup.
You mean the ketchup? Educated people pronounce it catsup.
Not if they want me to pass it to them.
Fine.
If that's the way you're going to be, Then i'll do without.
Not gonna happen, old man.
My burger's getting cold.
Just give me the catsup! Ok, it's called ketchup.
Say it right and you can have it.
No.
Say it.
Say it.
No.
I will never say it.
I'd rather die than say it.
Then she's staying over here.
Me llamo ketchup.
Fine.
Then just say good-Bye to these.
Ahh! Why you gotta do that? You want the catsup, you can have the catsup.
Here.
God.
Thank you.
That's enough.
Ok, good.
That's enough.
That's enough.
That's enough.
That's enough! Oh, is that enough? Yes, that's enough.
That's enough.
Than say it! Say-Say it! What? Say what?! What's it called?! Ketchup! And that's how we learn.
All right, what's next? "Put bracket c facing left front quarter.
Turn to align with rear bracing leg.
" What? I think it means the seat Is supposed to connect to bracket c.
There's already a wheel in bracket c.
It's supposed to be the seat.
Yeah, well, that ship has sailed.
Come on, give me something to put in slot h.
I- I'd put the seat there.
Put this right here, right like that.
Yeah, see? All done.
All right.
That's right.
All right, by the way, major's not gonna be getting The greatest birthday present from us either.
We're a little short on the dough-Re-Mi.
Oh, yeah.
How's carrie's job hunt going? She's getting a little desperate.
Next time you call a phone sex line, Be nice just in case.
Coming.
Hi, dad.
Hey, guys.
You have a good time? We made jesse's hamster fly.
Really? Well, he flew briefly.
Let's just say he'll be off the wheel for a while.
You want to see my room? Hey, sean.
This is my friend doug heffernan.
Doug heffernan? Did you go to saint gregory's? Yeah.
It's me.
Sean mcgee.
Oh, hey, man.
Hi! Hi! Hi! How's it going? Good.
Ah, all white guys do know each other.
Small world.
What have you been up to? Just working with deacon down at i.
P.
S.
That's great.
I'm a d.
A.
Over in queens county.
You know, putting away the bad guys.
Hey, dead man walking, right? Ha ha ha! Listen, i gotta go.
Hey, jess! Great to see you.
Are you gonna be at major's party? Yup.
I'll see you over there.
Take care, deac.
Take care, man.
Hey, you take care, doug.
I'll see you later.
Be good.
Ha ha ha ha.
I hate that son of a bitch.
What?! It was seventh grade.
I was in the cafeteria, and i accidentally threw out My six million dollar man thermos top.
So i'm going through the garbage looking for it, And sean mcgee told everybody that i licked the trash can.
Did you lick it? No! Why would i lick a trash can? I don't know.
The same reason You lick the top of the pizza box.
That's completely different, all right? That's not trash yet.
Anyway, he spread this around the whole school, And for the entire year, Everybody called me doug heffer-Can.
All right, look, i'm gonna see sean on wednesday night.
I'll be sure to stay away from any trash cans.
Wait a second.
I just told you this guy is my enemy, And you're gonna hang out with him? I'm not in love with the guy.
We're just playing racquetball.
Nobody else plays.
What am i supposed to do? Don't play with sean mcgee.
Play with me! You don't play.
Don't play? What, are you on pot? I love racquetball.
Yeah? What color are the balls? They vary.
Look, give me a chance, all right? If i don't give you a good game, You can go play with your friend sean mcgay.
Damn, i wish i'd thought of that in junior high.
Yeah.
Yeah, i feel it.
Ok, next time you have to stretch like that, I'm gonna have to ask you to wear longer shorts.
Yeah? And i'm gonna have to ask you to stand back Because it's punish time.
You're about to be acquainted With my good friends hugh and millie yayshin.
Wassup? Ohh! Uhh! Uhh! All right, i admit it, man.
You got game.
Really? I think someone owes me an apology.
Oh, god.
Damn! All right, my serve.
I think we're done here.
Come on, that's fine.
Throw a little sawdust on it.
Where you going? You're gonna call your boyfriend, aren't you? At least he can play 4 points without showing me What he had at the snack bar.
Fine! I don't need you! But know this - If you're friends with my enemy, Then you're my enemy! Oh, god.
So, uh, with deacon gone, how's this gonna work? Does everybody just move up a slot, friend-Wise? No.
Well, i just mean, you know, There was stuff you used to do with deacon, So i guess you'll be doing it with one of us now.
No.
All right, that's cool.
Status quo.
God, i really miss deac.
I mean, the way he got such a kick Out of these bud light commercials.
There's a certain kind of magic When a gentle giant laughs.
Hey.
Oh.
What are you doing here? Just came to get my camcorder back.
I need it for my kid's party tomorrow.
Help yourself.
It's in the garage.
The garage? Huh.
Thanks for taking such good care of it.
Hey, deac.
What's up? Ok, put your eyes back in your head.
Hello.
Hi.
Got a registered letter.
Gonna need you to sign for it.
Hey, why don't you come in for a second? You know, i never sign anything Without checking over the fine print anyway.
'Cause the next thing you know, i'm somebody's butler for life.
You know what i'm saying? Not at all, no.
It's just a standard letter.
It's all right.
Come on in.
Come on, we'll check it out.
Just take a seat right here.
Danny, get up.
Ok, but i only got a minute.
Well, that's ok.
Doug heffernan.
" So far, so good.
Listen, i really got to hit the road here.
Hit the road, man? You kill me, bro! Ha ha ha! Oh, this is so awkward.
What is? You just walking in when i'm hanging out With my new friend melvin uspo.
As in united states post office? That's right, come sleet or snow, He's my buddy.
Wassup? So you're trying to replace me with another black guy.
That's-That's classy.
Hey, i don't care if my best friend's black, white, or purple, ok? As long as he's got my back.
Ain't that right, melvin? Actually, i gotta hit the road.
Listen, sign that slip whenever.
I'll pick it up tomorrow.
It is a date, amigo.
Yeah! Hey, knicks fan.
Marbury's doing a nice job for 'em, huh? Yeah, i tell you, though, i miss spree.
I heard that.
I'm actually heading over to cooper's To catch the second half.
Oh, yeah? Yeah.
Oh, maybe i'll stop by after my route.
What are you doing? Trying to jazz up my resume, See if i can get a law firm to notice me.
How's this sound? "Cleavage available upon request.
" It sounds good.
Give it a try.
What's the matter with you? Friggin' deacon.
He's hanging out with my arch-Enemy.
Their kids go to school together.
You have an arch-Enemy? Yeah, sean mcgee.
In seventh grade, he told everyone I licked a trash can.
Did you? No.
Why would i lick a trash can? I don't know.
Didn't you once tell me You ate that feed they have at petting zoos? My sister told me if i did, i could grow a mustache.
It's not the point, ok? I didn't lick a trash can.
Well, you know what? You better get over it Before major's birthday party tomorrow Because i don't want to have any awkward scenes.
There ain't gonna be any awkward scenes 'Cause i ain't going to any party That sean mcgee's gonna be at.
Doug, come on.
This is over a quarter of a century ago! Are you kidding me? Am i hearing this right? You're telling me i can't have one enemy? Let's go over your enemy list, huh? What are you talking about? Lorenzo's pizzeria.
I can't go there anymore Because you had a fight with the guy Because he put too much cheese on our pizza.
Too much cheese.
Insanity! Or how about san remo dry cleaners, huh, Where that little chinese girl sassed you? Yeah, i may not have understood her, But she was all attitude.
The point is, i support you In everything you hate.
You know, the restaurants, the stores, Magicians! If you hate it, i hate it.
So why can't you back me up on this one thing? All right, you know, you - You're right.
If sean mcgee is your enemy, Then he is my enemy, too.
Thank you.
So we're not going to major's party? We're not going to major's party.
Ok, i guess i'll go over there And drop off major's gift tonight.
Wait a second.
Is it something i might want? Doug, it's a pair of feety pajamas.
Does it have a back-Flap? All right, well, thanks for the game.
Take care, man.
Oh, sorry.
Excuse me.
I'm sorry.
Let me get that.
Thank you.
"From doug and carrie.
" Are you married to doug heffernan? Yeah.
I'm sean mcgee.
I went to school with your husband.
Oh yes.
Sean mcgee.
I know all about you.
What does that mean? I think you know what it means.
Let me tell you something, sean.
You mess with doug, you mess with me.
Ok, you don't want to mess with me Because i will take you down, ok? This is about the trash can thing, isn't it? Yeah.
Deacon told me he was still upset about it.
I just feel terrible about that.
As well you should.
When i saw him lick that thing, I really should have just kept it to myself.
Wait a minute.
So he really did lick it? Oh, yeah.
A couple of times.
I should have just kept my mouth shut, though.
Just tell him i'm sorry, would you? I gotta get out of here.
I got 4 big cases i'm prosecuting, And my secretary just quit.
Oh, you're a lawyer? Yeah.
And your secretary just quit? Yeah, a couple days ago.
I don't know how i'm gonna replace her.
Oh, 'cause i used to be a legal secretary.
Yeah, i was at kaplan, hornstein & steckler.
Oh, it's a good firm.
I've heard of them.
Well, i would ask you to come in And, you know, do an interview, But we have a policy against hiring people Who want to "take me down.
" That's funny.
Hang on.
Sean, i'll walk with you, babe.
I can't believe this.
He is my enemy.
I couldn't have been more clear about that! Yes, and isn't that what they say? "Keep your friends close, but your enemies closer"? This way i can keep tabs on him 24/7.
I can take him down from the inside! You know what, this is not happening.
There's no way.
Doug, i can't believe you're not gonna let me take a job Because you licked a trash can when you were 12.
Whoa.
Are you telling me you think i licked that trash can? Look, all i know is sean is pretty convinced In what he saw.
And you believe him over me? Look, i don't know, maybe there was Something good on the trash can! You know, some leftover sloppy joe, some chocolate sauce.
Who can blame ya? I never licked it, ok? For the last time, My head was in that trash can because i was looking for My six million dollar man thermos top! Look, you licked it, you didn't lick it, What's the difference? There's a big difference! One way, i licked a trash can! The other way, i didn't! And i didn't.
Ok, and sean feels really bad about this.
Please, just come to the party And let sean make it up to you.
I will not step foot at any party Or anywhere else that man will be.
He is my enemy, And now you are my enemy.
Ok, you know what, you are being ridiculous.
I am gonna go live in a world with adults.
You can stay in the seventh grade And lick your trash cans by yourself.
Traitor! Trash can licker! Ok, i'm off to major's party.
You know, you can still come.
Hmm, thanks.
Nah, i think i'll stay home And enjoy my extra cheesy lorenzo's pizza.
Whoops.
I got a little cheese on my shirt.
That's no problem because i know A little sassy chinese girl who'll get that right out.
Ooh, pizza pie.
May i? Yeah, you can have the rest, actually.
It's pretty bad.
Well, i know what you're eating.
My question is, what's eating you? Just deacon and carrie.
What's the problem? In seventh grade, i had this enemy, And, well, carrie and deacon are siding With him over me.
What's your beef with this fellow? He told everyone i licked a trash can.
Did you? No, but he told everyone i did.
Douglas, there's no shame In being a trash can licker.
Never licked it.
Well, i know from whence you come.
I, too, had a boyhood enemy.
He got me kicked out of school When he claimed i stole his moe berg baseball card.
Why did he say that? Well, because i had stolen it.
I loved it, and i wanted it for myself.
Anyway, do you know who this pale kid With the big mouth turned out to be? Tv journalist and celebrity suckhound Larry king.
Ok, great.
Thanks for the talk.
My point is when he became a success I was mad at everyone but him.
Cnn, his sponsors, The suspender industry.
If i had just focused on hating him, I would have saved myself a lot of heartache.
You know what? You're right.
Sean mcgee's my problem here.
I'm going to major's party.
I'm gonna take care of this right now.
Whoa, whoa.
Hold the phone.
Major's having a party? Yeah.
And i wasn't invited? That fickle little bastard just crossed the wrong guy.
What are you doing here? I came down to take care of a little business.
Uh-Huh.
Am i gonna have to kick your ass At my kid's birthday party? No, no, we're cool.
I just need to have a little chat with sean mcgee.
Hey, sean! Would you come on down for a second? I need to talk to you.
Could we do it later? I'm trying to play with my kid here.
No, not later.
Now.
Just give me Hey.
Hey, you're not supposed to be wearing shoes up here.
Whatever.
Look, i know Carrie's gonna be working for you, and that's great.
It's just i think we need to clear the air between us first.
Doug, about all that, i know it's no excuse, But i was a stupid kid, all right? I'm sorry i told everybody you licked a trash can.
Really? Yeah, i feel terrible You've been carrying that around all these years.
You know, i just hope you accept my apology.
Well, yeah, i do.
Thanks for saying something.
No problem.
See you around the piƱata.
Ok.
Wait.
I just want to clear something up here.
What, doug? You said you were sorry you told everyone That i licked the trash can.
But you never apologized for making up the fact That i licked it.
But you did.
No, i didn't.
Doug, i saw you lick the trash can.
Ok, for the last time, i was looking for My six million dollar man thermos top.
Can i just play with my kid? Excuse me.
It's ok.
I work here.
Look, you can play with your kid As soon as you admit to me That i didn't lick it.
Ok, you didn't lick the trash can.
Ok, i'm sorry i made that up.
Ok, you just said "made it up" as if it were in quotes.
Doug, this is ridiculous, ok? Can we please forget it? Are you hungry? Because i think i saw some pudding In the garbage over there And it had your name written all over it, Heffer-Can.
Aah! Aah! Uhh! Admit it! Admit it! Admit i didn't lick it! Heffer-Can! Aah! Heffer-Can! No! No! Trash sucker! No! No such thing never happened! Hey, did you see sean? Aah! Oh, my god.
Aah! Hey.
Aah! Crap.
How could you? You know i would have loved this.