The King of Queens s06e20 Episode Script

Foe: Pa

Where is the remote? Hey, remote! Come here, boy.
No remote.
Carrie! Where'd you put the remote?! Ah, here you are, you little scamp.
Ahh.
Yeah.
Oh, no, no, no, no! Scratch just above my left buttock.
Couple things- Uh, you didn't say please, And i'd rather die.
Damn it, This rash is torture, and it's in a spot I just can't reach.
Hey, hey, come on.
Don't use that.
I have to.
It's the only utensil That feels remotely like human fingers.
So you've tried them all? At various times over the years, yes.
Ok, sorry to keep bugging you, But what do you think of this outfit for my interview? Do we have a winner? It's nice, it's nice.
But how about an outfit That shows off a little more boobage? Doug, come on.
I want to get this job On my qualifications.
And i'll tell you, I have a really good feeling about this one.
You know, the head of the dugan group Legal department called me personally To confirm the interview.
He went on and on about my resume, My letters of recommendation.
I mean, he practically gave me the job On the phone.
Yeah, but just to be safe darling, my friend mickey just gave me the name Of his dermatologist in stamford, connecticut.
Please take me there immediately.
Dad, that couldn't be less possible.
I have a job interview in 2 hours.
I understand.
Douglas, let's roll.
I can't.
I got the cable guy coming.
If i miss him this time, i gotta wait another month.
But my haunches are on fire.
Does that mean nothing to you? All right, you know what, dad, Dr.
Mandelbaum's office is on the way to my interview.
If you're that uncomfortable, i will drop you off And pick you up when i am done, ok? Why, so he can just give me some more Of his overpriced ointment? No dice! I want to see mickey's dermatologist.
Mickey swears by him! Mickey has more spots on his face Than a cheetah, ok? It's mandelbaum or nobody.
Now you've got 5 minutes to get dressed.
Fine.
Ms.
Heffernan? Yes.
Mr.
Hecht is just finishing up a call In the conference room.
He'll be ready for you in a few moments.
Ok.
Thank you.
I have never been so angry! Shh! Dad, what are you doing here? I told you to wait for me at mandelbaum's.
I couldn't very well wait in the office Of a man i'm now suing, could i? What?! That charlatan took one little peek at my rash And told me to keep using the ointment.
I grabbed my file out of his hands, Kicked over his cactus, And ran like the dickens! Shh! Ms.
Heffernan? He's ready.
Oh, ok.
Thank you.
Young lady, which of your lawyers Specializes in dermatology scams? Ha ha ha ha.
He's kidding.
Come on.
Yeah.
Now, you listen to me, you.
Until my interview is over, you will sit there And speak and make eye contact with no one.
But i- No one! Now sit down.
Sit.
And stay.
One of the differences between the way we operate And what you might have been used to is that, Since this a real estate development firm, The lawyers aren't running the show, Unfortunately.
Right, right.
We could be going in one direction on a project, And then the development guys pull something And we have to do a 180 overnight.
Well, actually, what i consider one of my strengths As an assistant is i keep my own Cross-Referenced files on all the cases my boss is working on, So if things change suddenly, i can, uh you can what? Uh so, often you might be called on To assist one of our senior attorneys At city hearings, negotiations, and so forth.
Oh, well, that's very exciting news, because at my old firm There was really never an opportunity to- And i don't have any children, so if i'm required To stay late or go out of town, That doesn't really present a- A problem- In-In the sense that i would give My total focus to- Just one second.
I'll be right back.
Excuse me.
What are you doing? I told you not to talk to anybody.
He asked me if i was being helped.
Damn it, i have a lawsuit to file! Shh! Dad, these are real estate lawyers, ok? They don't represent lunatics Who want to sue their dermatologist! They all moonlight.
Grow up.
Good sir- No, dad, come here.
Give me the file.
Just stop and knock it off.
Give it- No! No! What are you doing?! One more sec.
It's funny.
You know, i mean, Ever since it went out, i keep walking by and grabbing for that remote And flicking it on and that static comes up.
I keep doing it over and over again, You know, 'cause i forget.
That's the thing with something like this.
You just forget.
I've had it with him, doug! I've just had it! What happened? I had the job.
I could feel it.
All i had to do was get through the interview Without acting like a mental patient.
Well, guess who took care of that for me?! Oh, please.
I didn't come near Her precious interview.
I was conducting a private conversation, And she interrupted me! He showed a stranger his ass.
The top of my ass! Should i come back another time? No, no, no, no, no, no.
This is just playful banter.
So what happened with his ass? It doesn't matter, ok? The point is i had a shot At something good in my life, And once again my father stomped it into dust! And here come the melodramatics! You know what? Go to hell.
Sure, everything is my fault! Were it not for me, you'd be married To the prince of monaco and living in his castle! Maybe i really should leave.
No, no, no.
Look, it's over.
It's all over.
You know, let me tell you something.
Crap.
I didn't want to marry the prince of monaco.
I did want to win that junior spelling bee.
You remember that, huh? Indeed i do.
Really? 'Cause i would have won that Had you not shouted out How to spell the word vestibule While i was thinking of it! I had to shout.
You kept ignoring my hand signals! You know what else i wanted? I wanted to perform In the seventh grade performance of swan lake, Not be yanked out of the auditorium in my leotard Because they didn't want to give you "V.
I.
P.
Seating.
" The other swans' parents were in the front row.
Should i have ignored that? Yes, yeah, yeah, you should have ignored that because- Now i know this is a hard concept for you to understand- That night wasn't about you.
Oh, this is stupid.
It's just ancient history.
Oh, ok, you want to talk about today, then? I would've liked to have gotten that secretary job, But you know what i would've liked more? Not having to grovel for a secretary job at all.
But that would have meant me going to college, And i didn't go to college, did i? No.
I became a checker at waldbaum's.
Why, because somebody said i would be abandoning him.
Your mother had just died! My life was in upheaval! So was mine.
News flash, ok? You were never there for me, dad.
You never-You never are, you never were.
And you know what, when i was sitting there Trying to hold that interview together And i was looking through that glass, Do you know what i saw? What i've been seeing my whole life: A lousy father.
A selfish, overbearing, Lousy father! Did i offer you a soda yet? I gotta go.
I don't know what to say.
Nothing you can say, nothing you can do.
Unless you can go back in time And fix everything.
Hello? Oh.
Uh-Huh.
Ok.
Thank you.
I got the job.
Um yay? Hey, any sign of my dad? Nope.
I thought i saw him In the park, but it turned out To be just a weird-Shaped kid.
Ohh.
Why couldn't that stupid phone call Have come Then i never would've gone off on him like that.
How bad was it? It wasn't that bad.
It really wasn't.
Doug, don't lie to me.
How bad was it? It was the worst thing i ever saw.
And i once saw a guy chase his glass eye Down a flight of subway stairs.
Oh, this is awful! Look, it's gonna be all right.
No, it's not gonna be all right, doug.
I mean, there are things in life You just don't say out loud, and i said 'em.
I called the man a lousy father.
I did say that, right? Twice.
The second time, you kind of spit on him.
Hey, what's up? Your dad's at my place.
Oh, good.
How is he? Well, he seems pretty upset.
He said he's not coming home Until he figures out a way to go back in time, Which has me a little worried, 'Cause i'm having people over tonight.
Don't worry.
I'll take care of it.
Go talk to him, honey.
Me? Yeah, please.
I wouldn't even know What to say to him right now.
You just tell him you got the job And everything'll be fine.
Doug, i don't think the job news will offset The "i hate you" news.
I got nothing to say to him.
Yeah, but someone's gonna talk to him, right? 'Cause i have a lot of jell-O shots to make.
Fine.
All right, fine.
I will do it.
Thank you, honey.
I love you.
All right, i'm gonna go take a walk and clear my head.
Ok.
I have no tv, And now i'm about to beg arthur To come back home.
You know what, you'd better drive.
I might take us off a bridge.
Hey, arthur.
I'm back.
I brought doug.
Howdy.
So, this is my place.
Wow.
Very nice.
Very, very nice.
Good view of the expressway.
Great view, actually.
Yeah, and after a while, the traffic noise Starts to sound like the ocean.
Wow, another plus right there.
Oh.
So, arthur, how's it going? How's, uh- How's your rash? Much better.
Turns out mandelbaum's ointment works after all.
Good.
That's good.
Now if there were only some sort of ointment For failing as a parent.
I don't know if you failed as a parent.
You got, like, a c-Minus maybe.
Which, in my house, was good enough To earn you a trip to carvel.
Anyway, you know what, i think you should come home, Sit down with carrie, you talk this out.
Damn it, douglas, Talking won't fix what i've done to her.
The lost friends, the broken dreams, That job today.
You heard her, I can't fix it unless i go back in time.
And unless you're incredibly wealthy, That's impossible.
I know, but you gotta come home.
I will not come home again! This is my home now! No, no, no, no.
He cannot live here.
I already am not supposed to have the cat.
All right, you know what, i think i got an idea here, ok? Hey, arthur, you know what, I think i may have figured a way You can go back in time And actually fix what happened today.
How? Just call the guy down at the dugan group And apologize for messing up carrie's interview.
And, you know, maybe he'll change his mind And hire her after all.
You really think that will work? You never know unless you try.
Ok, we'll give you some privacy.
Yeah, ok? What's this man's name again? Uh, it's, uh lance.
Uh bossington.
Got it! Yes, may i speak with lance bossington, please? Mr.
Bossington? Please hold the line, sir.
Bossington here.
Yes, i do remember you, mr.
Spooner.
As i recall, you and your daughter Made quite a ruckus here.
Mm-Hmm.
So, what happened today was entirely my fault, sir.
I truly wish you would reconsider your decision.
You will? Of course i will.
You're a very persuasive man, mr.
Spooner.
Why, it's almost as if you've gone back in time And made things right.
Remarkable! Shut your trap out here! Uh, look i've got to run into a big real estate meeting now.
I'm trading in Good-Bye.
Nice.
Any luck? It worked! Wow.
Carrie's gonna be happy to hear that, huh? Good job, artie.
It actually is possible to fix the past.
You proved that.
Didn't he? Mm-Hmm.
Here's your jacket.
Oh, no.
I can't go home yet.
I've got many more calls to make, Many more wrongs to right.
Arthur, you got carrie the job.
That's enough! It's not enough.
I won't leave Until i've fixed everything.
Because now i know i can! Ok.
Now, each of the numbers we gave to arthur Corresponds to one of these cell phones.
Like, when this one rings, for example, Arthur's gonna think he's calling the woman Who was carrie's elementary school principal, But, in fact, it'll actually be you.
Ok, now, like when this one rings here, He thinks he's gonna be calling Carrie's high school boyfriend.
That'll be me.
And so on.
So, i'll be all the women, And you'll be all the men? I think that's best.
You're up.
Ok, make me proud, Miss hanratty.
So what you're saying is, That carrie actually knew how to spell vestibule.
Yes, she spelled it for me on a regular basis.
If i hadn't shouted it out, She would have won for sure.
Well, in that case, i should go back into the records And make her the winner, shouldn't i? That would be marvelous! Of course i forgive you.
In fact, the next time We do the seventh grade production of swan lake, I know who our special guest ballerina's gonna be.
Carrie spooner! Sure, mr.
S.
, I accept your apology.
Carrie is once again my favorite girlfriend From all of high school.
You're a prince, peter.
You've actually made me feel quite foolish For cutting short your romance with my daughter.
Well, i'm sure she did pretty well for herself.
Oh, yes, she's married to a very nice fellow.
Though, frankly, he is a bit of a simpleton.
And i get the distinct impression That in the bedroom, He's skittish, clumsy, and tentative.
Top that off with his atrocious health habits, And it's quite a mess over there.
Hang in there, peter.
You may just get another chance! How'd that go? It was good.
It's fine, fine.
All right, mr.
Spooners.
I appreciate you coming clean On that 11th item.
Carrie's welcome back in my express line whenevers.
A little racist, but did the trick.
Ok, we got one more here.
Uh, let's see.
Ok, martin syznick.
Hey, listen, since the last one is a man, Do you mind if i take off And get ready for my party? You know what, you go ahead.
I'll handle the call, Then i'll come pick up arthur.
Great, great.
I'll leave him on the stoop! Hello? Yes, sir.
I'm trying to reach a marilyn syznick.
Marilyn? Oh, my god.
It does say marilyn.
Yes, my sister marilyn just got out of the shower.
Please hold a second.
Hey, look, i need your help, all right? It's your father.
Oh, good, ok.
Tell him to go to hell.
What? I was out walking, and it just hit me.
He did it again.
He screwed up, And now i'm the one feeling guilty? Well, enough.
I don't give a crap If he comes back or not.
Could you just hold on one more second, please? Why are you talking like that? Here's the deal, ok? He refuses to come home here until he can undo All the bad stuff he did to you.
So what's he's doing, he's calling All the people he offended to apologize, Or at least he thinks he is.
He's actually talking to me and holly Pretending to be them.
What? Look, this is the last call, and it's been working.
Just pretend to be marilyn syznick, Accept his apology, and this'll all be over.
No, i don't want to talk to him.
One more second.
She's just slipping into her robe.
Come on, do it.
Just do it.
Just do it! Disguise your voice.
Hello? Is this marilyn syznick? Uh-Huh.
It's arthur spooner calling.
Years ago, my daughter was in your brownie troop.
That is, until i angrily accused you Of favoring the polish children In the assignment of merit badges.
Do you recall? Mm-Hmm.
Anyway, i'm calling to apologize And ask if you'd be kind enough To send along any patches or certificates She may have lost on my account.
Oh, yes.
Well, that's fine, yes.
Oh, thank you so much.
I know this must seem strange to you, Given that carrie's a grown woman now, But in my heart she'll always be my little baby.
Why, i can still remember When she was not even a year old And came down with a terrible case of the croup.
The only think that eased her coughing fits Was when i walked with her in my arms Through the cold night air.
I must've walked Every night for a week.
Wow.
Oh, i would've walked It's ironic.
I tried so hard To protect that beautiful child, And today i find out that it was me Who hurt her most of all.
It rips my heart out.
The worst part is I don't know if she'll ever forgive me.
She will.
You're very kind to say that, marilyn.
And, if i'm remembering correctly, You're also quite well-Endowed upstairs.
Can i buy you dinner? Eww.
No! Oh, come on, don't be coy.
The way you'd undo a button On your troop leader's vest when i came in, You don't think i noticed that? What? Get over yourself! Tease.
Hey.
Oh, hi.
How you doing? I guess i'm still a little sad.
This whole thing with my dad, you know? Why? It's over.
He's back.
Everything's fine.
I know.
It's just that, When something like this happens And you're forced to bring up All those dark and buried feelings, It just leaves you kind of empty inside, you know? Ooh! The bachelorette.