The King of Queens s06e21 Episode Script

Tank Heaven

Are you sure you don't want to get that lobster cocktail thingy? I already ordered the clam chowder.
So get both.
I told you, in honor of my first paycheck in months, I am treating, and i expect you to do some damage.
You do realize you're poking a hornet's nest here? I do.
But we are celebrating.
And listen to this.
If you behave, I will take you to that stupid chris tucker movie Where he plays a big baby.
Little homey? Mm-Hmm.
Wait a second.
Just 'cause you're taking me out For a fancy night on the town You do realize That doesn't automatically mean you get the, uh shma-Booty.
Now, listen.
You can either give it to me Or i can take it.
It's your choice.
Here we go.
Thank you.
Careful.
Bowl's hot.
Ok.
Um, guy.
Yeah? Do you have any of those, uh, Crackers that are shaped like little baby oysters? Uh, guy.
Yeah? Uh, it's a pretty big bowl.
Oh there's one of the girls i work with.
Emily.
Emily.
Oh, hey, carrie.
Hi! Hi! Uh, emily, this is my husband doug.
And that's emily.
We work on the 40th floor together.
Hi.
How you doin'? Oh, and this is my husband peter.
How do you do? Hi peter.
Carrie works for mr.
Douchet.
Oh.
How's that going? It's going good.
It's going good.
Although i wish he would ease up on the cologne a little.
Yeah, it is kind of strong.
Kind of? You know, the other day I saw a fly land on his shoulder, Hey, why don't you guys join us? We just got a nice big table.
Oh, actually, we just got our food- Yeah, that's be great.
Let me just grab this.
No.
Uh-Huh, great, ok? Whoa, whoa! Guy, what are you doing? What? You're taking all the cheese.
It came up with the chip.
Yeah, 'cause you grabbed the nucleus.
What? Every pile of nachos has one main chip That holds the whole thing together-The nucleus.
You don't take the nucleus.
You work around it.
You honor it.
That's nachos 101, man.
Can i eat this or is someone gonna throw a punch? Oh, hey, guys.
Hey.
Hey.
Honey, good news.
Emily and peter Have 2 extra tickets to mark russell tonight And they want to take us.
Who the hell is mark russell? He does these politically based Song parodies.
He's hilarious.
He's got this one about newt gingrich- He- He totally rips him a new one.
You know what? That sounds like fun.
Let's do it.
Really? Thank you.
But we're supposed to go to cooper's tonight To watch that ultimate fighting thing.
You need 4 people to get a booth.
I got a chance to hang out with my wife And her new work friends, all right? Just back it down.
Love you.
Love you, too.
Lookin' forward to it.
You do realize You just went from 2 psychos fighting in a cage To a guy in a bow tie singing about inflation.
Ha ha! I forgot about that one.
That one's great.
Ha ha ha! Calm down? You know what? I know what i'm doing.
Really? 'Cause from where i'm sitting, You just got steamrolled like a cartoon character.
Look, carrie just got a new job, and that's great.
The bad news is, now there's a whole new building Full of these manhattan chuckleheads She's gonna want to make friends with.
Oh, she loves that.
"Oh, let's make new friends.
Let's open up our world.
" You know what? I don't want to open up our world.
I want to close our world.
Build a dome over it.
Well, if you don't want to meet any new people, Why'd you agree to go out with them? Because carrie can't know about the dome.
So what i like to do is happily agree to go out with these people.
And then let's just say, by the end of the evening they no like dougie so much.
Oh, thanks for taking us tonight, you guys.
Oh, sure.
Mark russell never disappoints.
I had no idea there were so many words that rhyme with bipartisan.
Wow, i really love this house.
Oh, thank you.
It's just a place holder Until i hit the lottery.
Actually i think i'm a place holder Until she hits the lottery.
Honey, you want to get some coffee going? Oh, yeah, yeah.
All right, you guys just talk amongst yourselves.
Ohh, what a great night, huh? Yeah, it was.
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah.
Can i, uh, ask you guys a question? Oh, sure.
Is this a lot of hair, right here? Seriously.
'Cause some people say i'm hairy, But i don't think i'm hairy enough, you know? Like, especially in the winter, the cold months.
Yeah, what do you think? I, uh, i don't, um i'm sure you're fine.
You want to touch it? It's very soft.
No.
Go ahead.
Seriously.
Touch it.
It's like a puppy, i swear.
It's a little puppy.
Yeah.
No bitey, no bitey.
Uh i don't think i want to do that right now.
You know, sometimes i think about shaving it all off And just stuffin' it in a pillowcase and sleepin' on it.
Hey.
There she is.
I hope you guys don't mind.
All i could find were these oreos.
Yeah.
Um, actually, we have to scoot.
Yeah.
Come on, hang out.
Yeah, i'm sorry.
I forgot the babysitter needs us home by 11:00.
By 11:00.
She did say that.
Oh, ok.
All right.
Well, let's do this again, you guys.
Yeah, we'll check our schedule! That was fun.
That was fun.
Ok, i win again.
You just scratched.
Obviously you're not familiar with the rules Of north european billiards.
I can't believe you brought arthur here.
We needed a fourth to get the booth.
What's the big deal? The big deal is, when he gets into a fight, I'm the one who's gonna have to stop it, And this is too damn pretty.
Who was light beer? Oh, that'd be me.
Watching the old waistline.
Gotta fit into my bikini for the summer, right? Right.
And 2 heinekens.
Damn, that was rough.
Yeah, guy.
A little tip when you try to pick up chicks- Don't make them picture you in a bikini.
Can i borrow some cash? No more money, arthur.
You stink at pool.
Deal with it.
I'll play you right now for a million dollars.
You already owe me 8 million from pinball.
Sit down.
I'm hot.
Then take off your sweater.
Oh, you'd like that, wouldn't you? Fine, then be hot.
Ok, you win.
Enjoy the show.
Do you want some help with that, arthur? I think i can take off my own sweater, thank you.
Is someone gonna help me or what? Come here.
Come here.
Give me that, And there.
That was terrifying.
I'm gonna need a men's room pronto.
Here are your wings.
Thanks.
Was that your grandfather? Who, him? No, that's just some guy.
Oh.
You know, so many people Take the elderly for granted, It's really sweet seeing you take care of him like that.
It is? Sure.
It shows you have a big heart.
I like that.
Oh, ho.
She likes that.
Huh! Ok, false alarm.
Oh, hey, there's the man.
Huh? Come here.
You got a little, uh, shmutz on your face.
Oh, you're sick, emily? That's too bad.
Hey, maybe it's from smelling mr.
Duchet's cologne, right? Ha ha! Oh, ok, you gotta go? All right.
Ok.
Bye-Bye.
Crap.
What's the matter, babe? Emily and peter blew us off again tonight.
Really? That's weird.
They said they had to go bird shopping.
Who goes bird shopping on a saturday night? Who goes bird shopping? People like birds.
I almost got a parrot once, Till i found out they live to be 80.
I don't need my pet outliving me.
I just don't understand it.
I mean, i thought we all hit it off.
How can they not like us? I don't know.
I mean there are people out in the world Who don't like squirt cheese.
But we all gotta share this big spinning rock.
I mean, you were funny.
I know they liked you.
Well, that's true.
I'm-I'm electric.
Do you think it was me? No.
My god, was it me? No, no, no.
You're fun and feisty.
What do you mean, i'm feisty? Like i came on too strong? Not at all.
You didn't, no.
I mean although no, no, no- What? It's nothing! What? Just tell me! Ok, you- You remember at dinner when you asked the busboy, like, I thought i saw peter and emily throw each other a look, like "ok " Oh, my god, i can't believe it.
Hey, i love it when you mix it up with the help, But maybe they're just not hip enough to "get" you.
You know, it's their loss.
I just thought this would be a great way To open up our world a little bit, you know? Yeah, but, you know, We got a great world right here in queens, With great friends who love us for who we are.
You're right, honey.
Thanks, babe.
And all is quiet in the dome.
Oh, hey, emily.
Hey, carrie.
I just got, like, 70 more.
So did you guys end up, uh, Getting that bird or oh, no.
No.
We looked around, but we couldn't agree on one.
Yeah, it's hard.
Emily, uh can i ask you a question? Sure.
Uh, did i do anything the other night To offend you in any way? No, no.
Not at all.
I know i can be opinionated sometimes.
I talk before i think, and i- Carrie, i think you're great.
Really.
You do? Yeah.
Oh.
Then you guys want to get together this weekend? Yeah, um i don't think so.
Ok.
I mean, if you like me so much, How come you never want to hang out with us? Carrie it's not you.
Did you lift your shirt And make them touch your belly hair?! What?! Did you? I lifted my what and made who- I- I-I-I can't even follow what you're saying! You lifted your shirt and made peter and emily Touch your belly hair! Oh, yeah, ok, yeah, and then i threw on a g-String And gave peter a lap dance.
Yeah.
Oh, yeah, ok, doug, what are you saying, emily's lying? Why would she lie? Oh, come on.
Yeah- I lifted up my shirt and i made them touch me.
That's what i did.
Oh, god.
carrie.
you think you know a person.
Unbelievable.
Unbelievable.
This-This stings a little.
This-This stings all right, l-Look, i know it sounds crazy, But why would she i don't know, you know, But maybe it's because you guys work together And she didn't want to hurt your feelings, So she blamed me.
It's all right.
I'm a big boy.
I can take it.
Honey, i am so sorry.
No, no, no, no, no.
No, you know what? I'm sorry that you have to put up with people like her.
I just don't know what's going on with me.
It's like i can't read people anymore.
Is it because i've been out of work for so long? We can analyze this till we're blue in the face the point is, It's behind us.
You know what? You are right.
Screw emily kornbluth.
Yeah! There are plenty of people at my office we could hang out with.
So how much would it take For you guys to get it on in front of me, huh? May i? Thank you.
Come on.
We've all wondered What human flesh tastes like, right? So, seriously you in? There you go, big guy.
How's that feel? It didn't really hurt to begin with, but i'm not hatin' it.
How low could you go without feeling uncomfortable? As low as the law allows, my friend.
Oh, i'll be back in just a second.
Hey, kate, how's it goin'? Oh, hey.
Yeah.
Just, uh, knockin' one back With my old pal arthur.
God, his own family keeps him locked in a basement all day.
It's sad.
Damn it, i said i wasn't gonna cry about this.
Oh, yeah, but, you know, it looks like you and your friend Take really good care of him.
What? Yeah, i guess looking after him is a lot of work.
It doesn't feel like work, though.
It feels a lot more like love.
I love you, too, daniel.
Now, give me a nice crisp part Like desi arnaz.
What are you doing? Arthur's hair was a little messy, So i'm fixing it.
Ok, leave him alone.
This is my thing.
Well, now it's our thing.
No, it isn't.
Why don't you go away, all right? I'm doing his hair.
Uh, hey, look at the time.
I gotta feed you.
Here.
Have a breadstick.
I don't want a breadstick.
Yes, you do.
Sesame seeds make my gums inflamed.
Hey, come eat.
This way.
Hey, now stop it! The two of you have been grooming me, You've been feeding me letting me sit on your lap.
What gives? It's just it turns out women kind of like it When they see us taking care of you.
So i'm only here so you can use me as old man bait? You make me sick.
Now, finish my desi and then i'm outta here.
Hey, did i tell you that kelly's on the steering committee For kirby's middle school? No, but back that story up, 'Cause i don't want to miss a thing.
Come on, man.
I'm in trouble here.
She's trying to make friends with this couple she met there- George and viola.
I need to know how this whole dome business works.
Oh, so somebody wants a little help from the master.
Yeah, yeah.
Walk me through this.
How do i make these people disappear? Well, the first thing you do is you go out with them.
Ok, you be charming, and pretend you're having a great time.
And when kelly leaves the room, you make your move.
What do i do? Well, there are a lot of options.
But i'm gonna start you off with a basic shirt lift.
You mean like this? You know what? You don't have a ton of hair.
You might want to go nipple.
All right, fine.
Anything else? Sometimes i like to throw in a crazy look, like that really works? I have yet to find a glitch in the system.
Everybody hates me, i hate them, and i am quitting.
That's it.
I've had it.
And there's the first glitch.
Hey, babe.
You're not really thinking about quitting your job, are you? Yeah, i am.
Ok? I'm looking through the want ads right now.
I refuse to work with people That i have to beg to be my friend, all right? I'm a very sweet and nice person.
They can all bite me.
You just had a bad day.
Hey, you know what? I know what'll cheer you up.
How about we grab some chinese, huh? No, i'm not hungry.
Come on.
We could make fun Of mr.
Chang's lisp, order some thweet and thour thoup.
No.
You know what? I'm just gonna go to bed.
Look, you just got this job.
You can't quit.
You know what? Find someone else.
We'll go out with them.
No.
It'll work out this time.
I know it.
Really? How do you know that, doug? Because this time you won't yell at a busboy about lemons, And i won't "lift my shirt.
" Come on.
You work with, like, a million people.
There's gotta be someone there we can go out with.
Well, i kind of know the newsstand lady That works in the lobby.
Perfect.
There we go- Me, you, newsstand lady, mr.
Newsstand lady- We'll all paint the town.
Ok.
All right? Now let's talk mr.
Chang's, huh? Thweet and thour thoup, thethame chicken- And anything else? Thpare ribth? That's my girl.
There you go, whitey.
It seems you had some marshmallow on your chin.
You put it there.
You want your 5 bucks, then shut up! Just, uh, taking care of my old friend here.
Arthur, uh, we just came by To say we're sorry.
Yeah, we didn't mean to hurt your feelings.
Buzz off.
I got my own thing working right now.
Wait-Wait a minute.
You're doing exactly what you yelled at us for.
Doing what? Never mind what i'm doing! Just look pathetic.
He's using you because women are attracted to men Who take care of the elderly.
Really? Then i'm gonna call my uncle carl.
At first we just sold newspapers.
Then i got the idea to sell gum and candy.
Then i put in the chip rack, And knock on wood, Next month we're getting a chapstick dispenser.
Wow.
It's a good time in our lives.
Well, i'm gonna get some more coffee.
How are you guys? You ok? Cheryl? Dennis? We're fine.
Uh, good.
Ok.
Well, just let me know if anything bothers you.
Ok? All right.
Hey, you guys ever play balderdash? Hmm? The board game.
You make up fake dictionary definitions.
It's hilarious.
We're in a league every tuesday and friday.
Maybe you could join.
"If you love words, you'll love balderdash.
" Yeah.
And dennis here, He always makes this incredible chili.
It is delicious.
No meat.
All tofu.
And we get totally drunk.
On fun! Ha ha ha ha ha! Is this a lot of hair right here? Seriously.
Huh? Hey