The King of Queens s07e06 Episode Script

Off-Track Bedding?

Son of a- Little help.
Hey, sticky buns.
Aw, it's cute when you give me little nicknames.
Hm? Nothing.
Aren't my parents here yet? No.
Uh, they called from the airport, though.
Your father's holding out for a cheaper taxi.
I would've liked to see them before my union meeting tonight.
Union meeting? Since when do you go to union meetings? Since they started serving beer.
And we might be going on strike or something.
I don't know.
What's the big deal? Well, Doug, I- I have some work to do.
I need you to entertain your parents.
And I was kind of hoping to try out my new bubble bath as well.
"Lavender surrender.
" Make a good stripper name.
All right, Doug.
I'm just saying.
I wouldn't have to go to any union meetings if you could work a couple nights as Lavender Surrender.
All right, come on.
I really have stuff I gotta do tonight.
Relax, all right, I got it covered.
Tonight, I got two theater tickets for my parents.
So once they're out of the house, you can take a bath, invite your boyfriend over- The house is yours.
I just hope they're getting along a little better.
What? You remember last month in Florida, they were going at each other all the time.
No, they weren't.
Doug, come on.
Your father called your mother an idiot because she bought him potato chips in a can.
The man likes his chips in a bag.
Remember that time I got mad at you because you bought me mini donuts instead of the regular size? Does that mean I don't love you? Well, you did say some pretty hurtful things.
Well, I don't like mini donuts.
There they are.
Hey! Hello, honey! How are you? Good to see ya.
Hi, Dougie.
Hey, Dougie, quick.
Go grab the bags before the cabby gets 'em.
This guy is fishing for a tip.
So how was your flight? Oh, it was really nice.
Ah, you know, they recycle the air on those planes, so it's mostly exhaled carbon dioxide and flecks of other people's skin.
Did not know that.
I brought you the in-flight magazine.
Oh, thank you.
There's an article in there on Arsenio Hall's favorite steak house.
Turns out- Bup-bup-bup-bup.
I wanna be surprised.
Still fighting bags with wheels, huh, dad? Hey, wheels break.
Then where are ya? Right back to here.
So, Joe, you all ready for your big convention? Oh, yes, I am.
Feast your eyes on what's gonna bring home the golden caboose at the 43rd annual Model Train Expo.
Oh, that is pretty sweet.
Hey, hey, hey.
You know the rules.
Oh, come on, Joe.
Let him touch the train.
It's not a train.
It's an engine.
Oh, well, in that case, who cares? I care! You know, for one week- one week out of the year - could I have that to enjoy myself? Fine.
Speaking of enjoying yourselves who's going to see Robert Goulet in Camelot tonight? Really? Oh? Oh.
That's my favorite show.
I know.
Aw, Joe, look.
Whoa! Sixty-five bucks each.
I wonder how much of this goes to Goulet.
All right, well, you guys have a great time.
I got a union thing I gotta go to.
Aw, thank you, Dougie.
That was so generous of you.
Come on.
You guys raised me.
You paid for me to go to college.
Sorry that didn't work out.
Look at you.
You look beautiful.
Oh, thank you, Carrie.
I am so looking forward to tonight.
There's nothing more exciting than a live show.
Last live show Doug took me to, it was two guys fighting in a cage.
Oh, no.
You're not wearing that train hat to the theater.
I can't go.
What? I got a call from the convention center.
They're assigning table locations tonight, not in the morning.
So? So if I don't get down there ASAP, I'll be way in the back with all those monorail freaks.
But Dougie bought those tickets.
The grand conductor makes the assignments, not me.
I'm sorry.
I gotta go.
I'm sorry, Janet.
Don't be.
Who needs him? Hey, maybe you'll come with me.
We could do a girls' night out? Ah, I wish I could, but I have all this work.
Oh, yeah, of course, your work.
Hey, you know what? There's no law against a woman going to the theater by herself.
I just, uh I'll do it, and- And- And it'll be better, you know, because I won't have to fight with Joe for the armrest.
There you go.
So I'm just gonna go get my bag.
Hey, Dad.
You're home early.
Tough night at the senior center.
I had to flip the checkerboard in a fit of rage earlier than usual.
I take it the duke and duchess of Fort Lauderdale have arrived.
Why do you have such a problem with Doug's parents? I can't take their constant bragging.
"Oh, we saved for our retirement.
" How bourgeois.
Goulet's in town? Yeah.
Why don't you go with Janet? Me? Yeah.
Joe can't go, and I have all this work I have to do, but it would really help everyone out if you would take her.
What do you say? No posible, seƱorita.
Come on.
Please? How can I say no to my little girl? Ten bucks, plus expenses.
Subway fare, $3.
Two knishes, $4.
Janet, how much was that program? Oh, these are free.
One commemorative program, $12.
It was so nice of you to come with me, Arthur.
My pleasure.
Carry the one It's a beautiful theater.
Last time I was here, I was a young socialist dreamer, taking in the opening night of a Clifford Odets musical.
I believe it was called Johnny Wants a Living Wage.
But I don't want to bore you.
Oh, it's not boring at all.
I love the theater.
I can never get Joe to come, let alone talk about it, so please go on.
Well, it was a marvelous play, almost Brechtian, with a sassy hint of old-time burlesque.
Closed that night.
My, how fascinating.
You want fascinating? Have I ever told you about the night I pumped Helen Hayes' stomach? Oh, my goodness.
Oh, that was a hoot.
I haven't had so much fun in years.
Well, Arthur Spooner does not disappoint.
Well, good night.
And thank you again for a lovely evening.
Thank you, milady.
Hello, Douglas.
Good night.
Hey, Ma.
Oh, hey, honey.
Off to work? Yeah.
Is, uh, Dad up yet? Up? He's already at the convention center with his trains.
Just- I feel bad leaving you here by yourself.
You, uh wanna meet me for lunch later? Or- Oh, just a reminder, Janet.
Bring a light sweater.
It's chilly on the lake.
No, thanks, honey, I'll be fine.
Hey, honey.
I'm reading an article, "Nine Ways to Please Your Man.
" Now, this might be the wine talking, but I am willing to do two of them.
That's great.
Look, I know you've been busy with your bubble baths and whatnot.
I just wanted to get you up to speed on a couple things.
Uh, we're getting low on mayo, I fixed that faucet thing.
And, uh- oh, yeah - our parents are dating.
No, they're not.
They're just spending time together.
See, this is all your fault.
What? Yeah.
Uh- 'Cause you had to send your father with my mother to the theater.
W- why would you do that? I mean, there's a reason we keep him in the basement.
Doug, I was just trying to do something nice for your mother.
Oh, really? Yeah, and you know what? We wouldn't be having this conversation if your father would've taken her.
But, no.
Of course, he had a very serious choo-choo emergency.
Hey, when he wins that golden caboose, you're gonna be sucking on an ice-cold shut-up-sicle.
I know this is hard for you to handle, okay, but your parents are having problems.
They are not! Yes, they are.
Your father has been neglecting your mother.
Hello! It's train week.
All right, look- Maybe they're going through a little bit of a- A rough spot right now.
But it doesn't help having your dad sniffing around my mom.
And by the way, yesterday, I think I saw him doing that.
So what do you want me to do? Talk to him.
Tell him to back off.
All right, I will talk to my father.
But I really do think you need to talk to your mother.
Think I should talk to her? Know what you do? Just get the monkey in the cage.
Hey, Dad.
Ah, just the man I wanted to see.
Here's the total expenses I've incurred for Janet.
I think you'll find my rates are quite competitive.
Uh, listen, Dad.
I don't think you should take Janet out tonight.
Why? I've already billed you for it.
Well, I- I just- I think Doug's parents are having some problems, and I don't want Janet to misinterpret your intentions.
I assure you, my intentions are purely monetary.
Oh, that's good to know.
Plus, she's not really my type.
Arthur Spooner likes 'em lean and mean, like a feral cat.
Okay, well, I'm glad you understand because, you know, you're a pretty charming guy.
And with you in the picture, you know, anything could happen.
Know what I'm saying? Yes, I do.
Although, now that you bring it up this last week has been such a crazy whirlwind I really haven't had a chance to gauge my feelings for Janet.
No, Dad, no feelings.
Nothing to gauge.
I mean Janet does have a smile that lights up the room.
See, I disagree.
Middle-of-the-road smile.
And you did say her marriage is on the rocks, so I'd just be speeding up the inevitable.
Okay, Dad, look.
I will give you $500 if you stay away from Doug's mother.
My love can't be bought! Oh, hi, Dougie.
Hey, Ma.
Artie's taking me to the Velvet Lounge tonight.
Is this dressy enough? I- Yeah, actually, you know what? I- I wanna talk to you about Arthur for a second.
Oh, sure.
What is it? I just wanna thank you, first of all, for putting up with his craziness all week.
Welcome to my world, you know what I'm saying? Oh, I don't mind.
I like Arthur.
Yeah, y-you know.
You like him, but in the way you like a sad, little three-legged dog, you know.
Actually, it's more pity than like, am I right? No, I really like him.
Okay, fine.
You like him.
What's your point? My point is, uh, you don't actually like him like you like dad, right? I mean I'm so confused.
Oh, God.
I- it's just that it's been so long since someone paid attention to me.
Someone who- Who was excited to spend time with me.
Dad does that.
No, he doesn't.
All he cares about is his trains.
Yeah, he- Yeah, he likes his trains, but you guys have so much other stuff.
Like what? Like- You got your Boggle.
Uh, Judging Amy.
Your Judge Judy- All your judges.
Bottom line, you guys got a lot of stuff.
Look, Doug I know that I'm not a young girl anymore.
But I still have urges and desires that need to be fulfilled.
And I'm not just talking about the physical act of sex.
Which, by the way, your father- All right, Ma, that's it! No more desires or urges.
And you are not to be fulfilled.
Now go in there and bake something! I'm sorry, Douglas, but I am going out with Arthur tonight.
Did you talk to your dad? Um, yes, we talked.
Douglas, I want you to know if things between your mother and I go the way I think they're heading, I would never try to replace your father.
But I do expect to be obeyed.
What happened down there? I don't know.
It got away from me pretty fast.
You listen up, old man.
Um if you try to take my mother out again, you're gonna be in a world of pain.
Son, this belt doesn't just keep my pants up.
Hey, Dad.
Yeah, just a sec.
Huh! Huh-huh? You think Dorfman's got this in his stupid alpine village? Uh-uh.
You know, th-that's great.
Do you know Mom went out with Arthur again tonight? Oh, good.
Here, hand me that little Chinese couple, okay? You want a shot at winning this, you gotta play the PC game.
Look, you know, I- I talked to Mom, and I gotta tell you, she's not completely happy.
Aw, you know your mom.
She's fine.
Da- No, Dad, she's not.
And you know where she went with Arthur? To the Velvet Lounge.
Really? That's where I used to take her when we started dating.
Y-you know, I-I-I- I think you should go to her.
No, I can't.
This is judging night.
Uh, this is my year.
I'm gonna get that golden caboose.
Dad, would you stop with the trains?! What? Stop! Enough already! I mean, Mom was right.
All you care about are these damn trains.
Our whole lives they came first.
That's not true.
It is true.
When I was a kid you wouldn't let me touch 'em.
You had your chance, and you blew it.
I was 4.
The freight car looked like a candy bar.
Turn the page.
Come on, Dougie.
Even when I got older, Dad, you said I couldn't play with 'em 'cause I didn't have a license.
There were no licenses, were there? Not at the time, no.
It's Y- your mother's really unhappy? You're right.
These trains, they hurt the people I love.
I gotta go find your mother.
I, uh I need you to do me a favor, son.
What? Take the Boston Bullet into the station.
Can do.
I must say, you move with a silky elegance.
Thank you, Arthur.
You know we can stay out as late as you want.
I've adjusted my medications accordingly.
Oh, it looks like someone could use another "martooni.
" Well, maybe just one more.
Joe? Janet, I'm not saying it's gonna be easy, but with my love and your alimony we can build a life together.
All right.
I'm gonna need a receipt for these.
And it's back to the basement.
I told you, my dad had to leave.
They were his trains.
But you said your father had these trains for 30 years.
You never used it once? He wouldn't let me.
It doesn't add up.
Doesn't add up.
Am I released now? No.