The King of Queens s07e07 Episode Script

Silent Mite

Hey, perfect timing.
I'm just about to plug her in.
Oh, okay, good.
Fire her up.
And let there be light.
Wow, that's festive.
Ah, ah, ah, ah.
Huh? All right.
Seventy-nine more to go.
I see my timing is perfect.
I spent the day at the senior center, crafting a one-of-a-kind ornament for our tree.
Okay.
What is this? It started out as a coffee mug.
It became a reindeer.
Hang it up, please.
No.
It doesn't look like a reindeer.
It looks like something a reindeer left behind.
Don't push me during the holidays.
Doug, just do what he says.
Carrie, this thing's a brick.
It'll drag the whole tree down.
Hang it up or I'll bust this angel wide open.
Hey, put that down.
It's fragile.
So help me, I'll do it.
You do Vixen here is coming right at your head! You what? Yeah? Try me! All right, the both of you, stop it! Stop it! Where is your Christmas spirit? Now, Dad, I will find a prime place for this on the tree, okay? Now, hand over the angel, nice and slow.
This isn't over.
So, what's the deal? Can we, uh, go home yet or what? No, honey, we have to finish our gift list.
We don't need a list.
I can get all our shopping done in an hour.
Honey, I saved very carefully this year so everyone would get a nice gift.
Last year, you did all your Christmas shopping at a gas-station minimart.
Everyone got The Best of Eddie Rabbitt.
Not everyone.
Oh, yeah, that's right.
Your mother did get a bottle of herbal trucker's speed.
Hey, she painted our garage in under an hour.
Okay, look, I need you to finish paying for this stuff, and then I need you to go next door to buy these at Leather World.
Leather World.
Kinky.
Yeah.
Winter gloves.
Real kinky.
Winter sex gloves.
All right, I'll meet you back here in a half-hour, okay? All right.
All right.
Excuse me? Oh, yes? Sorry to bother you, but, uh I can't decide which one of these sweaters to buy.
Oh, okay, well, first off, who's it for? My sister and she's very picky.
Okay, well You know what? I would go with the black one because she can wear it to work, and then she can wear it for goin' out at night.
You know, I almost went with the brown one, because when you held it up, it really brought out your eyes.
Oh That's so sweet.
Thank you.
And you're very beautiful.
Hey, babe, what's up? Hi.
Yeah, just shoppin' with my three favorite people: my wife, my love and my lady.
Okay.
Yeah? How about you? Ya got everything you need? Uh, yes, looks like I do.
Hm.
Well thanks again.
Oh, you're welcome.
Happy holidays.
Mmm.
What is the matter with you? He was hittin' on you.
You don't have to be so rude to him.
Hey.
Guy hits on my woman, I'm gonna throw down.
Really? How come you didn't do anything to that bank teller when he asked me out last week? 'Cause he was almost my height.
May I help you? Oh.
Yeah, I don't think this is the right size.
You know, I am looking at you, and I am thinking, a Guiseppe Gimali, three-quarter length leather duster.
Didn't understand a word you just said.
Shall I ring up those gloves? Oh, yeah, sure.
Okay.
Will that be cash or charge? Charge.
You lost your wallet? It looks that way.
Are you sure? I won't be positive until I shower tonight, but I think it's gone.
Well, the leather store was only 20 feet away.
So it's gotta be somewhere between here and there.
Actually, I may have made a couple stops before the leather store.
Okay, so where did you go first? Well, first I went right here to Paws and Claws.
Paws and Claws? Yeah, the pet store.
Why? What did you do in the pet store? Held a puppy.
And then you went to Leather World? No, then I went to Barnes & Noble to look up dog names, in case you let me get a puppy.
I like Hondo.
What do you think? Anyway, uh Then I went to the second level, where I tried on sunglasses, sat in a massage chair and watched a little bit of the teen fashion show.
It's pretty cool, 'cause I could see it from the massage chair.
Then I went over here to Lady Foot Locker.
Why? I saw Céline Dion in there.
Oh, okay, Céline Dion shops at Lady Foot Locker? No.
Céline Dion works at Lady Foot Locker.
Anyway, it wasn't her.
Okay, you know what? Please, let's just retrace your steps and maybe we can find your wallet.
Cool.
I'll show you Hondo.
I cannot believe I lost it.
I mean, my driver's license, my insurance card, my gym membership.
Yeah, without that and your library card, how will you live? I just don't understand.
It's like it vanished.
Yeah.
Along with the other five wallets that you've lost.
Including the one that was chained to your pants.
I still can't figure that one out.
I lost my pants, Carrie.
It's not a big mystery.
Okay, you know what? Let's just cancel your credit cards and try to enjoy the holidays, okay? So it was just the Visa and the Amex, right? Yeah, and, uh, some other ones.
What other ones? Well, every day they send me these applications in the mail.
Sign up for a Jets card and get a free Jets hat.
Sign up for a Knicks card and earn Knick bucks.
What the hell are Knick bucks? I don't know, but if I get 20,000 of 'em, I get a free hat.
Doug, I accept the fact that I'm the responsible one, okay? I do all our finances, I plan for our retirement, I check us both for lumps, and I real- I don't expect you to help me, but now you're just actively screwing me over.
I just don't understand this.
I swear, I took my wallet out.
I paid for your dad's sweater.
I put my wallet back, and I- Wait a second.
That guy- That guy, he picked my pocket! What guy? You know.
Little Romeo.
Oh, my G- Okay, Doug.
You have tried to blame your stupidity on other people, but this- This is just sad.
No.
I'm tellin' you, he took it.
Oh, you just have it in for him 'cause he was hitting on me.
Maybe he was hitting on you just to create a diversion so he could grab my wallet.
Oh, please.
Right, what was I thinkin'? I mean, he had to be hittin' on you 'cause you're so damn hot.
Okay, you know what, Doug? I don't want you to buy me a gift this year, okay? All I want for Christmas is for you to stop acting like a big baby and grow up.
No.
I gave you that last year.
Now, if I cancel my credit card, do I still get to keep the Knick bucks? I do? Great! Oh, that's great.
Thank you very much.
What the hell's goin' on? Danny and I just got attacked by a bunch of kids throwin' snowballs.
Where's Danny? He's not here? I thought he was ahead of me.
Cut it out! Just quit it! Where'd ya go? Once they ran out from behind the station wagon, it was every man for himself.
Aw, man, that Chinese kid's got an arm.
Okay, guys, so, what's the plan now? Are you gonna hang out here till the streetlights come on? We're on our way to Cooper's to catch the second half of the game.
Get your coat on.
Nah.
You know what? I pass.
Come on, 2-for-1 pitchers.
Yeah, come on.
It's all right, man.
I'm not goin'.
Why not? 'Cause I'm not.
Why not? Becau- I- I spent my allowance already, okay? What? Carrie and I got into a fight, all right.
And to teach me a lesson, she- - put me on an allowance.
Why don't you sell your bike? That's pretty tough talk comin' from a guy who just got chased into my house by a 12-year-old.
It was five 12-year-olds.
And three of them were guys.
Well, I'm not goin', so go- Go to Cooper's and have a good time.
Aw, all right.
Hey, let's- Let's go out the back door.
Oh, good idea.
We'll grab some garbage-can covers, use them as shields.
Oh, good idea.
Hello? This is he.
Yes, that is my credit card.
Are there any charges on it? Really? Really? Uh-huh.
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
Hey, Columbo.
How's the, uh, manhunt goin'? Oh, I just got a call that blew this case wide open.
Oh, yeah? Mm-hm.
Here are some charges that were just made on one of my missing credit cards.
Read 'em and weep.
Pablo's Tailor Shop.
Yeah.
Now, tell me, what kind of a guy goes to get his clothes altered? You.
I mean, I've let your pants out so many times, the tailor invited me to his daughter's wedding.
Okay, fine.
But how do you explain these? The boys' department at Saks, huh? Island Minigolf.
Which is like regular golf for him.
And The Ladder Store.
That's right, The Ladder Store.
Now, who needs a ladder? Um, a contractor, a painter, a tree trimmer, a window washer.
That's just to name a few.
It's him, and you know it is.
No.
What I know is that you're a screwup, who just cost himself next week's allowance.
You just can't face the fact that he was after my wallet.
He was trying to get in my pants, not yours.
Just cost yourself another week, buddy boy.
You- You are livin' in a fantasy world, okay? Because I got enough proof, and I'll tell you what, I'm goin' to the cops.
Okay, I don't have a license, so I'm gonna need you to drive me.
Mr.
Heffernan? Detective Perry said he'll be just another minute.
Why are they makin' us wait so long? I don't know, Doug.
They're probably all wastin' their time on some pesky murder.
Boy, you got some sass, mujer.
Mr.
Heffernan? I'm Detective Perry.
Hey there.
How ya doin' there? I understand, uh, someone stole your wallet.
Uh, yeah.
Yeah, Doug, why don't you, uh, go ahead and tell the detective who did it? Uh, yeah, I- I was shopping, and this guy was talkin' to my, uh, wife, and he- He- He took it.
What'd this guy look like? Oh, just- White guy.
Uh, spiky hair.
Probably in his 30s.
Yeah, that's the guy.
Hey, honey, could you be any more specific? Yeah, did he have any distinctive characteristics? Anything unique that would help us ID him.
Anything.
Distinctive Let's see.
He was, uh Uh, dressed very nicely.
I think he was wearin' some kind of cologne.
He was a midget, and, uh I think he was wearin' jeans.
Uh, I'm sorry.
What did you say? Jeans.
I think he was wearing jeans.
Before that you said something.
Oh, uh, he was a midget.
I'm not catching this.
He was a midget.
He was in what? He was- I can't- Mr.
Heffernan- He's a midget! I'm sorry.
I know that's not the right word.
Okay.
No offense.
I- Why would I take offense? I'm not sayin' that you're a- You're a- You know- A midget? No.
You're way past the cutoff, right? Well, well, who put a lump of coal in your stocking? It's nothin'.
It's just This little person stole my wallet, and nobody believes me.
Oh, the little people.
So small yet so cunning.
Yeah.
I mean, Carrie thinks I got it in for this guy just 'cause he hit on her.
Well, we all know her taste in men runs to the extreme.
What makes you so sure it's him? Look at the charges on my credit card.
Why, any fool could tell these are the charges of the tiny.
Exactly.
I mean- You're the only one who believes me.
Great.
This is no time for self-pity.
There's a criminal on the loose.
We'll call these stores and see if anyone remembers who used your card.
Y- y-you think someone will? I worked in retail.
If a little person walked into my shop, it was all I could talk about for years.
Appreciate you driving me, Arthur, but, uh, could you speed it up a little? I follow the rules of the road.
Okay, we just got passed by a shopping cart.
Come on.
Are you sure this is a strong lead? Positive.
The Ladder Store said, "A little fella by the name of Doug Heffernan just bought himself a step stool.
" She also said she remembers him saying that it was for his job at the mall.
You know, we're quite a team.
Like Jake and the Fatman.
Needless to say, I'm Jake.
There's just one more person I need to invite to the party.
Hey, Car, it's, uh, me.
It's, uh Let's see.
It's 6:30 now.
Do me a favor.
Meet me at the mall ASAP.
I got a little surprise for ya.
Little surprise.
Marvelous.
How are we gonna find this guy? There's, like, a million people here.
Vigilante justice takes patience, Douglas.
Hey, do you see what I see? The Panda Express? Because I could eat.
No, that elf over there.
That's the guy.
All right, hand over my wallet.
What? Oh, I'm sorry.
I- I thought you were this other guy who stole my wallet.
Oh, ho, ho.
I get it.
Because I'm black.
No, no, no, no.
Not 'cause you're black.
'Cause you're a- A little person.
Oh, so now all little people are thieves? No, that's not what I'm sayin'.
How would you feel if I walked around sayin', someone stole my donut, it must have been the fat guy.
Whoa! Where'd my Christmas ham go? Gee, I wonder.
All right, all right, all right, all right! You made your point.
I'm sorry, man.
Jeez.
That's right! You better leave, tubby.
Hey! Hey! Hey, I know it was you! Don't know what you're talking about.
Yeah? You stole my wallet, and you used my credit cards.
I wrote down all the charges right here.
All right, I did it, but it serves you right.
What are you talkin' about? I was having a nice conversation with your wife, and you came over, and you made me feel like garbage.
So I just grabbed your wallet.
Careful, Douglas.
He's cornered.
There's no telling what he might do.
Look, I got the situation under control.
Why don't you go to Panda Express? I could eat.
Look, even if what you say is true, okay, it doesn't give you the right to steal my wallet.
You're right.
Why do I do these things? I mean I've really made a mess of my life.
I can't hold down a job or make a marriage work, but when it comes to screwin' up, man, I'm the all-time champ.
All right, tell you what.
Just, uh give me back my wallet, and we'll just forget the whole thing.
Really? You're not gonna call the cops? Nah.
Here.
All the credit cards are in there.
You can count 'em if you want.
No.
That's all right.
Merry Christmas.
You too, Douglas Steven Heffernan.
Doug? Hey, uh I can explain.
You don't have to explain anything.
That was a very nice thing you did.
You're still a big baby, but you're a sweet big baby.
So we, uh We're good? We're good.
Just hang on one second.
Uh, excuse me.
Can I ask you a question? Sure.
You were hitting on me, right? I mean, that wasn't just part of your scam to get the wallet? Are you kidding? You're an A-1 piece of tail, honey.
Oh, that is so sweet.
Thank you.
Now, get the hell outta here.
We can go now? Yes.
Guess I owe you an apology.
Actually, I owe you an apology too.
He's actually an okay guy.
Mr.
Heffernan, welcome to the Maui Paradise Resort.
And how will you be paying for your stay?