The King of Queens s08e17 Episode Script

Present Tense

HEY, HONEY.
YOU READY? YEP.
DO ME A FAVOR.
TAKE MY LICENSE.
WHAT FOR? IN CASE WE WANT TO GET A BEER AND I HAVE TO SHOW MY I.
D.
DID THEY RAISE THE DRINKING AGE TO 36 AND NOT TELL ME? JUST DO IT.
AND, OH MY LIPSTICK.
CAN'T YOU KEEP THIS STUFF IN YOUR PURSE? IT'S A CONCERT IN THE PARK.
I DON'T WANT TO CARRY A PURSE.
I DON'T WANT TO SIT ON THE WET GRASS LISTENING TO AN ABBA TRIBUTE BAND, BUT WE ALL HAVE OUR PROBLEMS.
CAN YOU JUST, PLEASE, THANK YOU.
OH, AND MY HAIR SPRAY.
AND GUM.
I'M PROBABLY GOING TO NEED THIS OTHER LIPSTICK.
AND MY BRUSH.
AND AN UMBRELLA IN CASE IT RAINS.
I'M GOOD, I'M GOOD.
ALL RIGHT.
LET'S GO! OK.
OH, GUY.
I'M TRYING TO WHIP UP A BATCH OF MOJITOS, BUT I'LL NEED OH, SPRIGS OF MINT? OUT IN THE GARDEN, NEXT TO MY ARTICHOKES.
WHEN YOU ASK SOMEONE TO BE A BARTENDER FOR YOUR PARTY, THE LEAST YOU COULD DO IS GIVE THEM THE PROPER SUPPLIES.
I DIDN'T ASK YOU TO BE BARTENDER.
YOU KNOW WHAT- I CAN'T WORK LIKE THIS! HAPPY ANNIVERSARY.
THANKS.
THAT IS AWESOME! OH, YEAH.
EASY, LOU.
I'M ONE PIZZA POCKET AWAY FROM BLASTOFF.
I'M GOING TO CHECK ON MY MOJITO.
OH, OK.
SO, UM WHERE'S ARTHUR? OH, WE CAUGHT A BREAK.
ONE OF HIS OLD ARMY BUDDIES DIED, SO HE'S GONE FOR THE WEEK.
OH.
WHAT'S THE MATTER? WELL, HE BORROWED $70 FROM ME, AND HE SAID HE'LL PAY ME BACK TODAY.
LOU, LOU, LOU, THAT MONEY.
SHE'S GONE.
FORGOT TO PUT OUT THE VEGETABLE PLATTER.
OH, GOOD SAVE, 'CAUSE IT AIN'T A PARTY UNTIL WE GET SOME BROCCOLI CHUNKS.
THINK EVERYBODY'S HAVING FUN? YEAH COME HERE FOR A SECOND.
HON, LOOK.
WHAT? AT OUR WEDDING WE HAD ABOUT 125 GUESTS.
WE HAVE 6.
MIGHT WANT TO PULL YOUR ATTITUDE BACK A LITTLE.
HEY, YOU KNEW WHAT YOU WERE GETTING INTO WHEN YOU MARRIED ME.
AND I'LL TELL YOU SOMETHING ELSE, OK? THAT CARLA FERRIGNO'S RUBBING ME THE WRONG WAY.
OH, CAN I HAVE EVERYONE'S ATTENTION? LOOK, IT'S BEEN A GREAT NIGHT, AND I THINK I SPEAK FOR EVERYONE WHEN WE SAY DOUG, CARRIE, WE LOVE YOU GUYS.
OH, THANK YOU.
AND BECAUSE WE DO, DEACON AND I DECIDED TO GET YOU A LITTLE SOMETHING.
NO, WE SAID NO GIFTS! HEY, THAT WAS YOU.
IF ANYBODY'S INTERESTED, I'M REGISTERED AT THE JERKY HUT.
FOR OUR ANNIVERSARY, YOU GUYS GOT US THOSE INCREDIBLE JAZZ STATUES, SO WE HOPE YOU LIKE IT.
I TOLD YOU WE SHOULD HAVE GOTTEN THEM SOMETHING.
IT SAID NO GIFTS ON THE INVITE.
I KNOW WHAT IT SAID.
WHY DO I LISTEN TO YOU? CAN WE NOT DO THIS HERE? HEY THAT'S US.
YEAH.
IT'S BEAUTIFUL.
WHAT DO YOU THINK, CARRIE? WHAT DO I THINK? I THINK WOW! WE FOUND THIS GREAT ARTIST IN SOHO WHO CAN TAKE ANY PHOTOGRAPH AND MAKE AN OIL PAINTING OUT OF IT.
THAT'S TERRIFIC.
WE WERE GOING TO GET YOU OMAHA STEAKS, BUT WE FIGURED YOU EAT THAT, IT'S GONE, BUT THE PAINTING, THAT'S FOREVER.
ACTUALLY, I HEARD RED MEAT STAYS IN YOUR COLON FOR YEARS.
AGAIN, HAPPY ANNIVERSARY.
AND AGAIN, YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE.
WOULD YOU JUST LET IT GO? WE WERE IN WILLIAMS-SONOMA, I HAD A PANINI GRILL IN MY HAND, AND YOU WOULDN'T LET ME BUY IT FOR THEM.
FOR THE LAST TIME, THEY SAID NO GIFTS.
DEACON AND KELLY WERE THE ONLY ONES THAT GOT THEM ANYTHING.
YES, YES.
BECAUSE THEY KNOW HOW TO PLAY THE GAME, AND THAT'S WHY THEY'RE DOUG AND CARRIE'S GO-TO COUPLE.
GO-TO COUPLE? THAT'S THE COUPLE YOU CALL FIRST WHEN YOU WANT TO GO TO A MOVIE OR ON A CRUISE.
THERE'S NO REASON THAT CAN'T BE US.
EXCEPT WE'RE NOT A COUPLE.
YOU DO KNOW THAT, RIGHT? OF COURSE I KNOW THAT.
I'M JUST SAYING THERE ARE WEEKENDS WHEN WE DON'T HAVE DATES.
IT WOULD BE NICE TO DO THINGS WITH DOUG AND CARRIE.
SHOULDN'T WE PUT EFFORT INTO GETTING GIRLFRIENDS? HAVE YOU HEARD ONE WORD I'VE SAID? OK, NOW WE KNOW.
LOU DRINKS A LITTLE TEQUILA, HE STARTS LIFTING PEOPLE OVER HIS HEAD.
MAYBE THAT'S THE WAY BIG BOYS BLOW OFF STEAM.
I HOPE SPENCE IS ALL RIGHT.
THAT CEILING FAN WAS ON HIGH.
SOME SURPRISE, HUH? FROM DEACON AND KELLY.
YEAH.
THEY'RE GREAT, GREAT PEOPLE.
YEAH.
WHERE DO YOU WANT TO PUT IT? HOW ABOUT THE STATEN ISLAND LANDFILL? CARRIE, THEY'RE OUR FRIENDS.
WE GOT TO PUT IT SOMEWHERE.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME? LOOK AT THIS.
I GOT ONE TINY ARM AND ONE HUGE ARM.
I THINK IT'S JUST THE ANGLE.
LOOK AT MY HANDS! THAT'S A CHICKEN FOOT AND THAT'S A CATCHER'S MITT! LOOK AT ME.
LOOK AT MY FOREHEAD.
I WANT TO SPRAY-PAINT GRAFFITI ON IT.
AND WHAT'S WITH THE BEAVER TEETH? LOOK AT THOSE CHOPPERS.
AT LEAST I CAN SEE WHERE THEY GOT THAT FROM.
WHAT IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN? NOTHING.
YOUR TEETH ARE PERFECT.
ANYWAY, THE POINT IS, WE JUST GOT TO FIGURE OUT WHAT TO DO WITH THIS THING.
WHAT WE'RE GOING TO DO- WE'LL PUT A NAIL IN THE WALL AND HANG THE PICTURE.
HOW ABOUT THIS- WE HANG IT WHEN WE KNOW DEACON AND KELLY ARE COMING OVER? DEACON'S HERE EVERY DAY.
THE MAN'S OBSESSED WITH ME.
THEN JUST STICK IT IN THE CLOSET AND IF ANYBODY ASKS, WE JUST HAVEN'T FOUND THE RIGHT PLACE TO HANG IT YET.
FINE.
AND YOU KNOW WHAT? YOU DIDN'T HATE MY TEETH SO MUCH WHEN I HAD TO STRIP THAT SPEAKER WIRE.
WHAT'S UP, FAMILY? YOU READY TO GO? JUST FINISHING UP.
SO, WHERE'D YOU PUT THE PAINTING? UH, LOOK AT THIS- SAYS ONE BOWL HAS 100 PERCENT OF YOUR DAILY REQUIREMENT OF RIBOFLAVIN.
I HAD THREE BOWLS.
SO I'M GOOD FOR THE WEEKEND.
THAT'S GOOD, THAT'S GOOD.
WHERE'D YOU PUT THE PAINTING? OH, THE-OH, YEAH- HERE'S THE THING.
CARRIE AND I- THE PICTURE'S JUST SO SPECIAL TO US- WE'RE LOOKING FOR THE PERFECT PLACE TO HANG IT.
SHE'S GOT HER FAVORITES, I GOT MY FAVORITES.
SO, WE'RE JUST KIND OF DEBATING AND GOING THROUGH THE PROCESS.
THAT'S BASICALLY WHAT IT IS, UNTIL YOU FIND A PERFECT SPOT.
PROBLEM SOLVED.
I KNOW THE PERFECT SPOT.
OK, A LITTLE BIT MORE TO THE RIGHT.
HEY! HEY, CAR.
WE GOT IT UP! YOU SURE DID! WHAT'S GOING ON? IT GOT AWAY FROM ME.
LEFT.
A LITTLE MORE TO THE LEFT.
OW! HEY, DEAC, BABE, YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO DO THAT.
WE WERE GOING TO HIRE- HEY, HEY, HEY, THAT IS NOT HOW THE PALMERS ROLL.
THAT'S NOT HOW THEY ROLL.
DOUG HAD A GREAT IDEA TO PUT ONE OF THOSE ART LIGHTS OVER IT.
DID HE? GREAT IDEA, DOUG! SAME SPOT.
WHAT'S GOING ON? DEACON CAME BY AND PUT THE ART LIGHT UP.
HE SAID THAT'S HOW THEY ROLL.
ARE YOU CRYING? NO.
WHAT'S THE MATTER? DOUG, I CAN'T LIVE WITH THIS PAINTING.
I AM WILLING TO LOSE THEM AS FRIENDS OVER THIS.
FORGET ABOUT THE STUPID PAINTING.
DOUG, I CAN'T.
I SEE IT IN MY SLEEP.
WHEN I GOT TO THE KITCHEN, THE EYES FOLLOW ME! SO, POKE THEM OUT WITH YOUR GIANT FINGERS.
COME ON, I'M BEING SERIOUS! STOP JOKING! COME ON, CARRIE.
I KNOW THE PAINTING'S HORRIBLE, BUT, YOU KNOW, YOU'LL GET USED TO IT.
NO, I WON'T! JUST LIKE THAT PURPLE VASE THAT MY MOM GOT.
YOU HATED THAT THING.
I STILL HATE IT.
BUT YOU DON'T THINK ABOUT IT ANYMORE.
IT JUST BLENDS IN WITH ALL OUR OTHER CRAP.
OH, MY GOD! THIS ARM IS BIGGER.
I'M A FREAK! WOULD YOU STOP IT? YOUR ARMS ARE PERFECT.
THEY ARE? YES.
COME ON.
IT WAS OUR ANNIVERSARY, AND I DIDN'T EVEN GIVE YOU MY PRESENT YET.
OOH, WHAT'D YOU GET ME? IT'S UPSTAIRS IN THE BEDROOM.
OH, YEAH.
YOU KNOW WHAT? I HAVE A GIFT FOR YOU, TOO, THAT'S UPSTAIRS.
COME HERE, BABY.
ACTUALLY, I GOT TO GO TO THE GARAGE FOR A SECOND.
YEAH, TAKE YOUR TIME, BABY.
OK, WHAT'S THE BIG SECRET THAT YOU COULDN'T TELL US OVER THE PHONE? SHOULD I, OR DO YOU WANT TO? EITHER WAY.
I COULD.
HEY, CHIP AND DALE.
SPIT IT OUT.
UH, WE'VE DECIDED WHAT WE WANT TO GIVE YOU GUYS FOR YOUR ANNIVERSARY.
YOUR CHEF, MOl, WILL PREPARE A VERITABLE FEAST IN THE COMFORT OF YOUR OWN HOME, WHILE YOU MAITRE D'- DANNY- WILL MAKE SURE YOUR EVERY NEED IS ATTENDED TO.
WE'RE GOING TO PASS.
BUT THANK YOU.
OH, FUNNY.
YOU DIDN'T HAVE ANY PROBLEM TAKING DEACON AND KELLY'S GIFT.
YOU LIKE THEM BETTER THAN US.
JUST ADMIT IT.
ALL RIGHTY.
I TOLD YOU THIS WAS LAME.
IT'S NOT LAME! LISTEN, GUYS, YOU GOT TO LET US GET YOU SOMETHING.
SOMETHING THAT WILL TOP DEACON AND KELLY'S GIFT.
WHY DON'T YOU PUSH US DOWN SOME STAIRS? WHAT? YOU DON'T LIKE THE PAINTING? WE HATE THAT THING.
THAT'S TOO BAD! YOU WANT TO GET US SOMETHING.
I'VE GOT THE PERFECT GIFT.
WILL YOU HURRY UP? SHOULD HAVE ROBBED THIS HOUSE I HAD TO GET MY ALLERGY SHOT.
WE'RE NOT STEALING A CAT! ALL RIGHT, SO, HOW DO YOU WANT TO DO THIS? YOU STEAL, I RANSACK? I REALLY HAD MY HEART SET ON RANSACKING.
FINE, YOU RANSACK, I'LL STEAL.
WAIT, WAIT.
CARRIE GAVE US A LIST OF DOUG'S STUFF SHE WANTS US TO TAKE.
GRAY SWEATPANTS, TORN IN THE BACK.
EVERYTHING IN HIS UNDERWEAR DRAWER.
AND HIS MR.
FRENCH FRY MACHINE.
ALL RIGHT.
FINE.
OK, COOL.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING? THEY KNOW IT'S US.
I WANT TO SET THE MOOD.
HOW DOES WEARING A SKI MASK- I WANT TO WEAR THE MASK! I'M WEARING THE MASK! OK.
LOOK, I'M SORRY, ALL RIGHT? IT'S IT'S JUST MY PROCESS.
ALL RIGHT, FINE.
GREAT, THEY'RE BACK! WHAT? JUST HURRY UP.
TAKE THE PAINTING! HURRY! IT'S STUCK! WE'RE NEVER GOING TO BE THEIR GO-TO COUPLE! WAIT, WAIT, WAIT! MR.
FRENCH FRY MACHINE.
OH, YEAH.
OH, MY GOD! WHAT? WHAT? WE'VE BEEN ROBBED! WHAT MAKES YOU SAY THAT? THE COUCH PILLOW! IT'S ON THE FLOOR! THEY WERE PROBABLY LOOKING FOR LOOSE CHANGE.
OH, GOD OH, GOD! THEY PROBABLY JUST WRECKED THE PLACE.
THEY DIDN'T TAKE ANYTHING.
GUYS, LOOK.
NOT THE PAINTING.
DAMN IT TO HELL! DAMN! WHAT KIND OF ANIMAL WOULD DO THAT? AN ANIMAL WITH GREAT TASTE.
I GUESS YOU GUYS SHOULD CALL THE POLICE OR SOMETHING? WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE? IT'S PROBABLY HALFWAY TO MEXICO BY NOW.
YOU KNOW WHAT? WE WILL.
WE JUST NEED A LITTLE TIME.
ALONE.
OH, SURE.
OK.
CALL US IF YOU NEED ANYTHING OR HEAR ANYTHING.
WE WILL, WE WILL.
TAKE CARE, GUYS.
OK.
YEAH.
IT'S GONE! WHAT A RELIEF! AWESOME.
WE SHOULD CELEBRATE.
GOOD IDEA.
YOU BREAK OPEN A BOTTLE OF WINE, I'LL WHIP US UP SOME FRENCH FRIES.
OH, MY GOD! YOU SAID THIS WOULD WORK! I THOUGHT IT WOULD.
I DIDN'T KNOW THEY'D STAGE A FAKE ROBBERY.
WELL, THEY DID.
GOD, I'VE BEEN LIVING A NIGHTMARE EVER SINCE OUR ANNIVERSARY.
HAPPY ANNIVERSARY! WE KNEW YOU GUYS LIKED JAZZ, SO WHAT DO YOU THINK? I THINK WOW.
WE GOT THEM IN HARLEM.
REALLY? SO, WHERE YOU GOING TO PUT IT? OH, I DON'T KNOW.
I DON'T WANT TO PUT THEM ANYWHERE UNTIL WE FIND THE RIGHT PLACE.
YEAH, JUST RIGHT.
I GOT THE EXACT RIGHT PLACE.
HOW ABOUT RIGHT HERE, HUH? BANG! HA! YOU SAID, LET'S GET THEM A REALLY BAD GIFT.
THEY'LL SAY THEY HATE IT, WE CAN SAY WE HATE THE JAZZ FIGURINE, EVERYONE LAUGHS AND GOES HOME HAPPY.
I KNOW WHAT I SAID.
I'M THE ONE WHO SAID IT.
WOULDN'T IT HAVE BEEN EASIER TO SAY WE HATE YOUR JAZZ GUYS? DOUG AND CARRIE ARE OUR BEST FRIENDS.
THEY WENT TO A LOT OF TROUBLE TO GET US THOSE.
THOSE THINGS ARE RACIST! THEY'RE NOT RACIST.
THEY'RE JUST BAD.
SO, WHAT'S NEXT, GENIUS? SO, THIS GIRL AT WORK WALKS IN WEARING THE SAME SHOES I BOUGHT THE DAY BEFORE.
I CAN KEY HER CAR, RIGHT? SHOES, NO.
SAME HAIRCUT, YEAH.
OH NOTE TO SELF- NEXT TIME I GO TO SUPERCUTS, DON'T GET THE KELLY.
SO, UH, ANY NEWS ON THE ROBBERY? WHAT? NO.
NO NO.
COME ON, HONEY.
DON'T GO THERE.
IT'S JUST BEEN HARD.
IT'S HARD.
IT'S VERY HARD.
WE FIGURED THAT.
WHICH IS WHY WE MADE ANOTHER TRIP BACK TO SOHO! YOU DID NOT GET US ANOTHER ONE! I THINK WE DID! NO! YOU DIDN'T! HAPPY ANNIVERSARY! WHOA! WHOA LOOKIT.
WE SHOULD PROBABLY CHECK ON THE BOYS.
YOU FOUR TALK AMONGST YOURSELVES, ALL RIGHT? I CAN'T BELIEVE IT! I KIND OF LIKE IT.
MY BIG ARM IS BIGGER, MY EYES LOOK LIKE RAISINS! YOU LIKE RAISINS.
OH, YOU KNOW WHAT? YOU JUST LIKE IT BECAUSE THE PAINTER DID SOMETHING TO MAKE YOU LOOK HANDSOME.
YOU MEAN LIKE THIS? DOUG, I AM TELLING YOU RIGHT NOW, YOU BETTER TELL DEACON AND KELLY WE DON'T LIKE THIS OR I SWEAR, I AM CALLING A DIVORCE LAWYER TOMORROW.
NOT THAT GOOD.
I WAS BEING POLITE! I TOLD YOU.
WE JUST HAD TO TURN THEM AGAINST EACH OTHER.
THAT'S WHERE WE WENT WRONG THE FIRST TIME.
IT SEEMS TO BE WORKING.
LET'S BRING THIS BABY HOME.
SO, WHO'S READY FOR PIE? ACTUALLY, WE'RE GONNA GET GOING.
UH, BUT, YOU KNOW WHAT? DOUG DOES HAVE SOMETHING TO SAY TO YOU GUYS.
UH, YEAH, THANK YOU FOR DINNER.
AND THE PICTURE IS AWESOME.
THAT'S IT.
I'M OUT OF BULLETS.
WE HATE THE JAZZ STATUES.
WHAT? IT'S TRUE.
WE HATE THEM.
ARE YOU SERIOUS? WE GOT THEM IN HARLEM.
I KNOW.
YOU TELL US EVERY TIME YOU COME OVER HERE.
OH, WAIT A MINUTE.
SO, THE PAINTING WAS SOME KIND OF PAYBACK? NO.
NO, NO- WE WERE JUST TRYING TO FIND A NICE WAY TO BRING UP THE TOPIC OF CRAPPY GIFTS.
NICE? I HAVE NIGHTMARES ABOUT THIS PAINTING! WELL, THESE SCARE OUR KIDS.
OH, DO THEY? BOO-HOO.
I'LL TELL YOU WHAT, GIRL.
YOU HATE THEM SO MUCH, THEY ARE OUT OF YOUR LIE.
THANK YOU.
YOU'RE VERY WELCOME, MISS.
'CAUSE WE HAVE PLENTY OF OTHER BLACK FRIENDS THAT WOULD LOVE THIS.
LET'S GO TELL THE KIDS THE GOOD NEWS.
OK WHICH ONE IS IT, TRUTH OR DARE? TRUTH.
OK, HERE WE GO.
WHAT WAS YOUR MOST EMBARRASSING KISS? UM THIS STAYS HERE, RIGHT? UH-HUH.
THERE WAS THIS COUNSELOR AT MATH CAMP NOW CAN I CALL DEACON AND KELLY? RUN, BABY, RUN.
SETTLING INTO MY BUNK ONE MORE TIME.
HONEY, COME ON, PLEASE.
I HAVE TO START DINNER.
I REALLY THINK I CAN TAKE YOU THIS TIME.
OK.
READY? YEAH.
GO.
GO! SON OF A MOTHER.
I TRIED TO GO OVER THE TOP ON YOU.