The King of Queens s08e18 Episode Script

Sold-Y Locks

WHAT IS IT, BABY? I LOVE BARBECUE SHRIMP.
I DON'T KNOW WHY I ORDERED THE STUFFED MUSHROOMS.
UCH, I KNEW THIS WAS GONNA COME BACK TO HAUNT US.
I SAW THE WORD "STUFFED" AND I JUST STOPPED BREATHING.
WHAT THE HELL? THAT GUY OVER THERE KEEPS STARING AT ME.
SO? YOU LIKE IT WHEN GUYS STARE AT YOU.
NOT ALL GUYS.
LIKE, LATINO GUYS.
YOU KNOW, YOUNG, SEXY, BEAUTIFUL SMILE.
YOU KNOW, FIT BUT STILL CUT- YEAH, NOT ME.
GOT IT.
HE IS STARING RIGHT AT ME.
GO OVER THERE AND SAY SOMETHING.
YOU KNOW, HE'S PROBABLY JUST STARING AT THESE WINE BOTTLES.
LOOK AT HIM, HE LOOKS LIKE A REAL BOOZER.
CAN YOU JUST GO OVER THERE AND SAY SOMETHING? YOU'RE MY HUSBAND! YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO PROTECT ME.
YEAH, I NEVER AGREED TO THAT.
JUST GO.
HI.
UH, LISTEN, IF YOU'RE STARING AT THOSE WINE BOTTLES OVER THERE, I COMPLETELY UNDERSTAND, IT'S JUST THAT THEY'RE RIGHT NEAR MY WIFE'S HEAD AND SHE GETS CONFUSED, SHE THINKS YOU'RE STARING AT HER, SO- ACTUALLY, I WAS LOOKING AT YOUR WIFE.
OH.
ARE YOU INTERESTED IN MAKING A SUBSTANTIAL AMOUNT OF MONEY? I'M LISTENING.
MY NAME'S EDWARD BRILL.
I'M IN THE WIG BUSINESS.
AND WE PAY QUITE HANDSOMELY FOR QUALITY HAIR LIKE YOUR WIFE'S.
WHAT ARE WE TALKING HERE? WELL, DEPENDING ON HOW MUCH SHE'S WILLING TO CUT $2,000 TO $3,000.
WOW.
THINK ABOUT IT.
I WILL.
I SEE YOU GOT THE BARBECUE SHRIMP.
PLEASE! HELP YOURSELF.
OH.
THANK YOU.
HEY, BABE.
HI, HONEY.
YOU HAVE SUCH BEAUTIFUL HAIR.
TELL YA, I DON'T KNOW WHAT SHEEN IS, BUT YOU GOT IT.
AW.
THAT'S REALLY SWEET, BABY.
THANK YOU.
WHAT WAS THAT? WHAT WAS WHAT? YOU BARELY BRUSHED YOUR HAIR.
YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO DO, LIKE, 100 STROKES A NIGHT.
WHERE'D YOU HEAR THAT? UH, ONE MISS MARCIA BRADY.
COME HERE.
LOOK IT.
ACTUALLY, THAT FEELS KINDA NICE.
OF COURSE IT DOES.
YOU KNOW WHAT I WAS THINKING? HM.
YOU WOULD LOOK REALLY GOOD WITH SHORT HAIR.
WHAT ARE YOU SAYING? YOU JUST SAID YOU LOVED MY LONG HAIR.
YEAH, I KNOW, BUT- IF YOU LOVE SOMETHING, YOU KNOW THE SAYING, YOU GOTTA "SET IT FREE"! WHAT? AHEM.
YOU KNOW WHAT? JUST THINKING OUT LOUD HERE- WHEN WE DO CUT IT, WE SHOULD PUT IT IN A BAG AND SELL IT.
STOP.
WHAT? WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? ALL RIGHT, LOOK, THE GUY TONIGHT AT THE RESTAURANT WAS A WIG MAKER.
ALL RIGHT? HE SAYS YOU HAVE BEAUTIFUL HAIR WE CAN MAKE A TON OF MONEY OFF! YOU WANT ME TO SELL MY HAIR? LOOK.
I KNOW IT SOUNDS WEIRD, BUT HE'S TALKING, LIKE, $3,000.
I REALLY DON'T CARE! WELL, CARRIE, COU- JUST THINK ABOUT IT FOR A MINUTE, OK? FIRST OF ALL, WE COULD REALLY USE THAT MONEY, AND, BONUS, WE COULD BE HELPING OTHER PEOPLE.
PEOPLE WHO AREN'T BLESSED WITH YOUR THICK, BEAUTIFUL LONG HAIR.
ACTUALLY, IT WOULD BE NICE TO- TO GIVE BACK.
THERE YOU GO! SO $3,000, HUH? YES.
AND THE BEST PART ABOUT IT IS A YEAR FROM NOW YOU'LL HAVE A FULL HEAD OF HAIR AGAIN, BANG, $3,000 IN THE POCKET AGAIN.
WE COULD DO A LOT WITH THAT MONEY, RIGHT? WE CAN GET THAT PIZZA OVEN I'VE BEEN TALKING ABOUT.
OR, MORE, WE CAN GO ON THAT CRUISE WITH DEACON AND KELLY! BETTER YET, WHEN THEY COME BACK, WE THROW 'EM A PIZZA PARTY! FINE.
NEXT BATCH, I GOT DIBS ON.
WHAT DO YOU THINK? WOW.
LOOK AT YOU! SO IT'S GOOD? LOOK AT YOU.
I KNOW! LOOK AT YOU.
MM.
HEY, MON, YOU READY FOR SOME ISLAND-HOPPING? I SHOULD HAVE NEVER LET HIM WATCH "COOL RUNNINGS.
" WHERE'S CARRIE? UH, SHE'S UPSTAIRS WORKING HER COMB-OVER.
HAIRCUT NOT SO GOOD? YOU KNOW MOE, FROM THE "THREE STOOGES"? I'D KILL FOR THAT.
TA-DA! SO, WHAT DO YOU THINK? IT'S REALLY, REALLY SASSY? YES! I KNOW! THAT'S WHAT THE STYLIST SAID! AND YOU KNOW, IT'S SO EASY TO MANAGE.
I MEAN, MY HAIR DRIES FASTER THAN HIS NOW.
THAT'S TRUE, IT DOES, IT DOES.
FASTER.
YOU KNOW WHAT? I'M GONNA GO SAY GOOD BYE TO MY DAD.
WHY DON'T YOU GUYS LOAD UP THE BAGS IN THE CAR, OK? OH, HONEY.
TELL THEM HOW I GOT CARDED AT THE LIQUOR STORE.
OH.
YEAH.
YEAH.
SHE DID.
'CAUSE "SHE LOOKS LIKE A WEIRD BOY".
OH, HEY.
WE'RE LEAVING NOW.
WHO THE HELL ARE YOU? I GOT MY HAIR CUT, DAD.
ANYWAY, WE'LL BE BACK ON SUNDAY.
I MADE YOU LASAGNA.
I'M GONNA PUT IT IN THE OVEN SO YOU CAN HAVE IT FOR LUNCH.
WITH YOUR HAIR CUT SHORT LIKE THAT, YOU KNOW WHO YOU LOOK EXACTLY LIKE? HALLE BERRY? FRANK MEDFORD.
OK.
HE RENTED A ROOM FROM YOUR MOM AND I WHEN WE FIRST GOT MARRIED.
OH, YEAH? HE WAS ALWAYS VERY NICE TO YOUR MOTHER.
HE LOOKED AFTER HER WHEN I WAS AWAY ON BUSINESS.
HE MOVED OUT RATHER ABRUPTLY AROUND THE TIME SHE GOT PREGNANT WITH YOU.
OK, DADDY.
I LOVE YOU.
I'LL CALL YOU FROM THE BOAT.
OH, DEAR GOD.
HOW GREAT IS THIS? WE'RE HALFWAY TO BARBADOS WITH OUR BEST FRIENDS, WE HAVE ROBERT GOULET SINGING TO US.
I MEAN, WHAT ELSE CAN YOU ASK FOR? NOT A THING.
WHAT, DEAC? YOU WANNA CUT IN? DANCIN' WITH MY WIFE, BUT HEY, WHAT THE HECK.
LET'S MIX IT UP! SWAPSIE! HEY.
HEY, ALL RIGHT.
LET'S SEE WHAT YOU GOT, BIG BOY.
RIGHT.
HEY, ARTHUR.
YOU'RE LATE! LATE? YOU TOLD ME 10 MINUTES AGO AND TOLD ME TO BE HERE IN 10 MINUTES.
LET'S NOT WASTE MORE TIME WITH YOUR PATHETIC EXCUSES! OK.
WHAT'S GOING ON? YOU SEE THAT MAN IN THERE? YEAH.
I HAVE REASON TO BELIEVE HE MAY BE CARRIE'S REAL FATHER.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? IT'S A LONG STORY.
ACTUALLY, IT'S PRETTY SHORT.
I THINK HE BOINKED CARRIE'S MOTHER.
IF THERE WAS ONLY SOME WAY I COULD KNOW FOR SURE.
WELL, YOU COULD DO A DNA TEST.
YOU SEND IN SOME OF HER HAIR, SOME OF HIS HAIR, YOU'D KNOW IN A COUPLE OF DAYS.
HOW AM I GONNA GET HIS HAIR? IT DOESN'T HAVE TO BE HAIR.
IT CAN BE SALIVA, OR A SKIN SAMPLE.
SKIN SAMPLE, HUH? I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
HEY, FRANK! HOW 'BOUT WE CATCH UP WITH A GOOD OLD- FASHIONED SCRATCH-FIGHT? WHAT? YOU KNOW.
A SCRATCH-FIGHT.
LIKE WE USED TO HAVE BACK IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD.
YOU KNOW, JUST FOR KICKS.
WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE, ARTIE? YOU CALL ME UP OUT OF THE BLUE, YOU INVITE ME OVER HERE FOR CRAB LEGS, AND INSTEAD, ALL I GET IS TAP WATER- YOU'RE ABSOLUTELY RIGHT, FRANK.
ALLOW ME TO APOLOGIZE BY SWABBING THE INSIDE OF YOUR MOUTH.
OK.
I'M OUTTA HERE! SO SOON? WAIT! YOU HAVE SOMETHING IN YOUR HAIR.
WHAT? OW! TURNS OUT IT'S JUST A CLUMP OF YOUR HAIR.
HOW BEAUTIFUL IS THIS? YEAH.
IT'S BEAUTIFUL.
JUST A LITTLE CHILLY, ISN'T IT? HERE, LET ME HELP.
LET ME HELP YOU WITH THIS RIGHT THERE.
STOP! NO, HONEY.
COME ON.
I ACTUALLY LIKE THE WIND ON MY SCALP, YOU KNOW? FEELS GOOD.
OK.
WHAT'S THE MATTER? NAH.
I OVER-BUFFETED.
OH.
OH, LOOK, IT'S ROBERT GOULET! WHERE? WHERE? I'M SLEEPING WITH HIS WIFE.
WE LOVED YOUR SHOW TONIGHT.
YEAH, AND I USUALLY HATE THAT KIND OF CRAP.
ISN'T THAT SWEET? ACTUALLY, WOULD YOU MIND IF WE TOOK A PICTURE WITH YOU? NO, AS LONG AS HE LIKES MY CRAPPY MUSIC, WHY NOT? I'M JUST GONNA GO GET THE CAMERA.
I'LL BE RIGHT BACK, OK? BOY, THAT IS WILD HAIR.
I JUST THOUGHT SHE'D LOOK CUTE WITH SHORT HAIR, YOU KNOW? LIKE JAMIE LEE CURTIS.
OH, JAMIE LEE.
I LOVE HER.
WE DID A "MUPPET" SPECIAL TOGETHER.
SHE SANG A HAUNTING DUET WITH FOZZIE BEAR.
OH, WAIT.
I HAVE MY CAMERA RIGHT HERE.
HEY.
HEY.
WHAT WERE YOU DOING? NOTHING, I'M JUST SITTING HERE TALKING TO MR.
ROBERT GOULET.
CAN YOU BELIEVE IT? PINCH ME! NOW! PINCH ME! THAT'S CRAZY.
WERE YOU TALKING ABOUT MY HAIR? NO! NO.
WAS HE MAKING FUN OF MY HAIR? LOOK, I'M IN A HURRY.
I'VE GOTTA CALL BINGO IN THE BARRACUDA LOUNGE.
YEAH, YOU'RE NOT GOING ANYWHERE, SHOW-TUNES.
WAS HE MAKING FUN OF MY HAIR OR NOT? WAS HE? HE SAYS YOU LOOK LIKE PETE ROSE.
PETE ROSE? HE'S THE ALL-TIME HITS LEADER! HE'S- OH, BUDDY.
I'M SORRY.
LOOK.
DRINKS HALF PRICE AT MY LATE SHOW, OK? SEE YA.
CARRIE, WHAT'RE YOU DOING? I'M LEAVING.
YOU DO REALIZE WE'RE ON A BOAT.
THEN I WILL SWIM.
I HAVE THE PERFECT HAIR FOR IT.
COME ON! I SAW YOU AND ROBERT GOULET LAUGHING AT HOW BAD MY HAIR LOOKS.
WE WEREN'T LAUGHING AT HOW BAD YOUR HAIR LOOKS.
WE WERE LAUGHING WITH HOW BAD YOU HAIR LOOKS.
I CAN'T BELIEVE I CONVINCED MYSELF THAT THIS LOOKED STYLISH AND SASSY.
I LOOK LIKE A MENTAL PATIENT! I KNOW.
IT'S HARD.
GET OFF ME! DON'T TOUCH ME! YOU KNOW HOW HUMILIATED I AM? AND YOU TALKED ME INTO THIS! I DIDN'T KNOW IT WAS GONNA LOOK SO BAD.
HERE'S THE THING.
YOUR HAIR'S GONNA GROW BACK AND YOU NEVER HAVE TO DO THIS AGAIN.
ACTUALLY, ONE MORE TIME, 'CAUSE THE PIZZA OVEN WAS PART OF THE DEAL.
AAAH! LOOK, WE MADE A MISTAKE, WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO? SHAVE YOUR HEAD.
I'M NOT SHAVING MY HEAD.
WELL, SHAVE SOMETHING, BABE.
YEAH.
THAT'S RIGHT.
HOW ABOUT THAT WEIRD PATCH ON YOUR BACK? OH.
NO.
I NEED THAT.
WE CAN STILL HAVE A GOOD TIME, ALL RIGHT? WHY DON'T YOU - HERE.
THROW THIS SCARF ON, AND WE'LL GO MEET DEACON AND KELLY AT THE MIDNIGHT BUFFET.
I'M NOT GOING ANYWHERE UNTIL MY HAIR GROWS BACK.
WHAT ARE YOU SAYING? WE'RE GONNA STAY HERE IN THE CABIN FOR THE REST OF THE CRUISE? NOT WE.
YOU GUYS GOT AN EXTRA PILLOW? JUST ASKIN'.
MMHM.
HEY.
WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING? I'M SORRY.
IT WAS COLD, ALL RIGHT? WHERE'S KELLY? SHE LEFT.
SHE GOT PRETTY FREAKED OUT WHEN I GOT INTO BED.
OH, MAN! I'VE REALLY BEEN LOOKING FORWARD TO THIS TRIP.
NOW I'M STUCK IN BED WITH YOU INSTEAD OF MY WIFE.
WOMEN.
SOMETIMES IT'S LIKE NO MATTER WHAT WE DO, IT JUST ISN'T GOOD ENOUGH FOR THEM.
DON'T LUMP US TOGETHER.
I SAVED UP MONEY FOR YOU SOLD YOUR WIFE FOR PARTS.
I'M SORRY.
WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO? I DON'T KNOW, BUT I GOT TWO MORE DAYS ON THIS BOAT WITHOUT MY KIDS AND I PLAN ON GETTIN' LUCKY, AND NOT WITH YOU.
WELL, JUST FOR THAT THE CANDY SHOP IS CLOSED.
QUIT HOGGING THE BLANKET.
THERE'S GOTTA BE SOME WAY I CAN MAKE THIS BETTER.
BUY HER A HAT, OR A HELMET.
HOW ABOUT A WIG? OK, WHERE AM I GONNA GET HER A WIG ON A CRUISE SHIP? WHERE WERE YOU GONNA GET A HELMET, IDIOT? WELL, NOW I SEE WHY KELLY LEFT.
I REALLY DO.
Ok.
Shhhh.
You gotta be fast.
OK.
LOOK, I REALLY APPRECIATE THIS, MR.
GOULET.
OK.
LOCK UP ON YOUR WAY OUT.
OK.
ALL RIGHT.
LET'S DO THIS AND GET OUT OF HERE.
WHERE'S THE WIGS? WHERE'S THE WIGS? LOOK AT THIS STUFF.
HEY, MAN.
HOW WOULD I LOOK IF I WORE THIS? LOOKS LIKE YOU ATE ELTON JOHN.
COME ON.
HERE WE ARE! LOOK AT THIS! ALL RIGHT.
WHAT DO YOU THINK? THIS ONE IS NICE.
ALL RIGHT, WELL, PUT IT ON.
WHAT? I'M NOT DOING THAT.
THAT'S WHY I BROUGHT YOU HERE, SO I COULD SEE IT ON SOMEONE.
TRUST ME, ANY WIG I PUT ON I'M GONNA LOOK LIKE RICK JAMES.
I GOT AN IDEA.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING? I'M DRAWING HER FACE.
ALL RIGHT.
HOW DOES THAT LOOK? I DON'T KNOW.
IT DOESN'T LOOK MUCH LIKE CARRIE.
OH.
NOW LOOK.
HOW DOES THAT LOOK? THERE SHE IS.
YEAH.
YEAH.
SO? WHAT ARE THE RESULTS? I DON'T KNOW, SPENCE.
I'VE BEEN TOO NERVOUS TO OPEN IT.
DO YOU WANT ME TO LOOK? NO, I SHOULD DO THIS.
ACCORDING TO THIS, THE FATHER IS SPENCE OLCHIN.
WHAT?! YOU BASTARD! THERE MUST BE SOME MISTAKE.
YEAH! THE MISTAKE WAS LETTING YOU ANYWHERE NEAR MY WIFE! I'VE NEVER MET YOUR WIFE AND I'M ONLY 2 YEARS OLDER THAN CARRIE.
OH, LOOK AT YOU, YOU'RE 50 IF YOU'RE A DAY! OK, ARTHUR, THE REASON MY NAME IS ON THIS IS BECAUSE I'M THE ONE WHO PAID FOR THE TEST! FOR REASONS I STILL DON'T UNDERSTAND.
Yup.
WELL, YOU WIGGLED OUTTA THAT ONE PRETTY GOOD.
SEE? IT SAYS RIGHT HERE, "FRANK MEDFORD NOT A MATCH.
" YOU'RE CARRIE'S FATHER.
WELL, THAT'S PRETTY ANTICLIMACTIC.
I'M GONNA GRAB A NAP.
HEY, LOOK WHO FOUND HIMSELF A HIGH-CLASS HOOKER, HUH? HEY.
GIRL, YOU LOOK AMAZING.
DAMN.
DAMN? NOW, DO YOU MEAN THAT? 'CAUSE YOU SAID YOU LIKED MY SHORT HAIR.
NO, NO, NO.
THAT WAS SCARY.
YOU'RE GOOD NOW.
OH, YEAH? 'CAUSE I KINDA FEEL LIKE A CHARLIE'S ANGEL, YOU KNOW? FREEZE! HOW GREAT IS THIS, MAN? ISN'T IT FUN? LOOK AT US.
WE'RE ALL HANGING OUT.
WE GOT GOOD HAIR.
WE'RE JUST CHILLIN'.
IT'S AWESOME, MAN.
DON'T GET BETTER THAN THIS.
WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT? YOU GOT A PROBLEM? NO, NO.
I JUST - I WANTED TO ASK YOU IF YOU WANTED TO DANCE.
OH.
DO YOU MIND, HONEY? KIDDIN' ME? YOU'RE DOIN' ME A SOLID.
I HAVE THE WRONG UNDERWEAR ON FOR DANCING.
THANK YOU.
HEY.
THERE YOU ARE.
THOUGHT WE WERE GONNA DANCE.
OH, YOU'RE FINALLY DONE WITH PACO? UGH.
I'M ALL YOURS NOW, BABY.
GOD, YOU SMELL LIKE OLD SPICE.
THAT'S SWEET.
YOU'RE JEALOUS! I'M NOT JEALOUS.
AW, DOUGIE-WOUGIE, HE'S JEALOUS! STOP IT! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU? WHEN I LOOKED HORRIBLE YOU DIDN'T LIKE IT, NOW I LOOK FANTASTIC AND YOU DON'T LIKE IT.
I WOULDN'T SAY "FANTASTIC.
" OH.
REALLY? THAT'S INTERESTING, BECAUSE THERE'S A WHOLE SHIPLOAD OF CABIN BOYS THAT THINK I'M PRETTY SEXY, SO NIGHTY NIGHT.
YEAH? WELL TRY IT WITHOUT YOUR LITTLE FRIEND.
YEAH! DOUG! GIVE THAT TO ME! NO! NO, THE WIG'S MINE NOW.
YEAH, SO GO HIT THE DANCE FLOOR, CUE BALL.
COME ON, YOU'RE BEING A JERK.
NO WAY.
NO.
YOU KNOW WHAT? IT'S MY TURN MAYBE.
'CAUSE IT'S DIRTY DANCIN' TIME AND GUESS WHAT? BABY JUST SHOWED UP.
YOU COULD'VE TOLD ME IT WAS FOR YOU.
I WOULD'VE UNDERSTOOD.
WHAT THE HELL ARE WE DOING HERE? I DON'T KNOW, HONEY.
LOOK.
I'M SORRY ABOUT EVERYTHING, ALL RIGHT? I'M SORRY TOO.
IT'S BEAUTIFUL TONIGHT, ISN'T IT? IT IS.
Yeah.
COME ON, HONEY! I'M WAITING! UGH.
I REALLY DON'T WANNA DO THIS.
YOU PROMISED.
LET'S HEAR IT.