The Knights of Prosperity (2007) s01e01 Episode Script

Pilot

hey, squatch, you know what today is? what? it's my 20th anniversary of doing this crappy job.
oh, yeah, i'll get you a gold urinal cake.
i mean, come on, 20 years.
thinking about it makes my head spin.
jonesy, you've been doing this-what, 40, 50? come on, shine some wisdom on us, brother.
wisdom? who you think i am, morgan freeman? i've been drunk since the bicentennial.
yeah, but you always said that a man who jonesy, you okay? it's just my allergies.
the man died mopping on the night shift.
what kind of life is that, huh? below average.
squatch it's time for eugene gurkin to make his move.
so what brings you here, mr.
gurkin? well, at the risk of sounding grandiose, sir, i am here for my destiny.
okay, so how can i help you? well, it"s my dream to open a bar right here in queens.
an oasis of cheer in the urban wasteland.
do you have any experience running your own business? no, but i more than make up for my lack of experience with passion, drive and vision.
did you graduate college? high school? sadly, book smarts are not my strong suit, but i am a student of life.
have you saved any money? $89, and i have a $100 bond i can't touch till i'm 55.
listen, mr.
gurkin, i'm sorry - look, i know i'm not? but you've gotta help me make this thing happen.
i will do anything.
just, please, just point me in the right direction.
I'm sorry to say this but nobody's gonna lend you the kind of money it takes to open a bar.
sir, you don't understand.
i've got to make a change.
mr.
gurkin, we all have a destiny mine's to sit at this desk all day, drinking bad coffee and hearing sob stories.
maybe yours is to be a janitor.
we took our cameras to new york city to bring you an e! news exclusive- a rare peek into mick jagger's $52 million apartment on central park west.
hi! i'm mick.
welcome to my apartment.
you know, it's so nice in here, i never really ever want to go out.
well, hardly.
but you're real welcome.
come and have a drink.
that place is bigger than the whole office building.
so this is the media room.
i like to lounge about and watch a movie.
have some popcorn.
want some butter on it? not a problem.
delicious! here.
this is the bathroom.
this is my houseman, nath pran.
he's just making me a nice, warm yogurt bath.
it's really good for you, you know.
it's good for your skin.
it's fantastic.
almost ready? i'll be back in ten minutes.
i've got a lot more to show you.
so this is my hat room.
you know, i love hats.
you know, it's a bit of an obsession of mine, and i keep 'em at 62 degrees.
you know, about 10% humidity.
it's about the right temperature to keep a really good hat, just to keep them really fresh.
i've spent hours in here.
you know, you're never alone with a hat.
hey, squatch, it's eugene.
i've got an idea that can change both our lives forever.
i'm putting together a crew, the finest scimens of manhood this city has to offer.
warriors, dragon slayers, lion kings.
i'm offering you the chance to change your life forever, to be the man you deserve to be.
we meet tonight.
midnight.
my place.
be there.
will there be snacks? sure.
what do you want? cookies.
where the hell is eugene? relax, chief, he's in the bathroom.
why could he not urinate before we arrive? he ain't taking a leak.
he wants to make some kind of a grand entrance.
gentlemen, welcome! were you born with a silver spoon in your mouth? me, neither.
i was born with a plastic spork in my ass, just like the rest of you.
so what if we're not "conventionally handsome"? or "educated"? or "sober"? we have dreams, too, don't we? and i have a plan that's gonna make all our dreams come true.
let's rob mick jagger.
huh? you gotta be kidding.
ridiculous.
guys you didn't even hear my who's mick jagger? thanks for the cheese balls.
jim? you big larry, you, too? guys? you gotta be insane.
carlos? all right, you know what? i'm glad they're gone.
i don't get it.
Why mick jagger? why not some other celebrity like alex trebek or willem dafoe or james van der beek or jeff conaway? who? kenickie.
look, we could argue for ten years about who to rob.
how about extend ten minutes? gourishankar, i've been talking my whole life, man.
whoa, whoa, "gouri -" what did you just call him? gourishankar.
yeah, i'm gonna call you "gary.
" do not call me gary.
gary.
no.
you got any more ladyfingers? come on, guys.
this is our one chance at greatness.
i don't know.
you know, i-i never did anything like this before.
you know i'm a lot of things, but, uh, i ain't no criminal.
all right.
i hear ya, all right? but this is like robin hood.
we're stealing from the rich to give to the poor-us.
you were a superstar lawyer back at home, and now you're driving old ladies to matinees.
is that what you want? and-and, rockefeller, you wanna go to france to get your girlfriend back, don't ya? bitch broke my heart.
squatch, don't you want more out of your life? yeah, i want a whole lot better for my wife and kids, and if commercial space flight should ever become available, i would very much like to view the earth from orbit.
screw it.
i'm in.
yeah! i could count on you.
i knew it! rockefeller? i'm in.
all right! gary? do not call me gary.
looks like it's stickin'.
i'm in.
all right! all right, guys.
whoo! gentlemen, we have ourselves a criminal organization.
may we henceforth be known as the knights of prosperity.
okay, issue one- that name sucks.
issue two-get off my cab.
oh, sorry.
okay, squatch, you got a better idea? yeah.
queens mafia.
a mob reference.
what a cliché.
the first thing you think of.
you got a better idea, dr.
bombay? yes, i do- the jedi council.
that's not bad.
any other ideas, rockefeller? batman? good, good, but maybe we could go with something plural.
come on, guys, what about the knights of prosperity, huh? i already made up the t-shirts.
i don't care.
it's better than batman.
the usual? oh, hi.
hi, esperanza.
yeah.
yeah, i'll have the usual, although today is not a usual day in any way.
let's just say i've got some stuff going on that i'm not really at liberty to talk about now.
"wouldn't be prudent.
" remember that guy? he totally rocked.
okay, i'm gonna go put your order on, okay? i'm robbing mick jagger.
what? i got a whole crew together.
one of the guys- he's a security guard at-at this warehouse down on west street, and we use it like a secret hideaway.
it's fantastic.
you're a criminal? i don't know if i'm a criminal iminal, you know.
maybe it's kind of like a onetime thing so i can finance my bar, but, uh, we call ourselves the knights of prosperity, and, you know, i'm kind of in charge.
so you're the boss? i don't know if i'm the boss boss, but- i mean, every group has to have its foot soldiers and its lieutenants, but there's always just one general, you know? excuse me, waitress! but i am the boss! just to, uh, make that perfectly clear.
gentlemen, welcome to the first-ever meeting of the knights of prosperity.
ground rules- the knights of prosperity exists only to finance our dreams.
anything above and beyond that we donate to our favorite charities.
like celebrity poker.
precisely.
i, myself, will be donating to big brothers big sisters.
squatch? i don't know.
uh the-the jerry lewis one.
okay.
gary? meals on wheels.
okay.
rockefeller? feline a.
i.
d.
s.
okay.
uh, am i late? i am so sorry.
i-the 7 train was held at the station for, like, 20 minutes.
excuse-excuse me, who-who are you? uh, louis plunk.
here is your, uh, chicken caesar wrap, mr.
subramaniam.
louis is our new intern.
what?! i'm out driving today.
i pick up louis.
he is crying.
i say, "why you cry, little man?" he tell me he a communication major at s.
u.
n.
y.
new paltz.
he just get rejected for internship from "montel williams show.
" his mother going to kill him! so i offer him internship with us for college credit.
does-does he know what we're doing here? uh, we're making the sequel to the movie "taxi," starring jimmy fallon and queen latifah.
it's called step on it!" gary, can i-can i talk to you for a second? i don't know about this.
don't worry.
we make him wear your headphones with music blasting loud.
he never hear nothing.
he do everything we want for free.
it is like white slavery.
i'm a bitch, i'm a lover i'm a child, i'm a mother ahem, gentlemen, we have decided to rob mick jagger.
now how we gonna rob mick jagger? we shoot him in the ass with a tranquilizer dart- the kind they use on bears.
he goes down like leon spinks.
the rest is self-explanatory.
that is the stupidest plan i've ever heard of.
what we have to do first is we have to case the joint.
boo-ya that's it! that's it, squatch.
that's thinking, baby.
case the joint.
he gets credit for that?! it is so obvious! well, why didn't you say it,pokahontes? because it goes without saying, you rundi ka bacha! guys, guys!? Alright! tomorrow morning we split into teams.
gary-you and louis, i want you watching the front of the building.
keep an eye on who's coming in and out.
squatch, rockefeller- take pictures of the lobby.
i, myself, am gonna suck information out of the doorman faster than a 2-bit drunk can drain a free beer.
who takes sugar? so this is my dining room.
it's a beautiful room.
we love this room.
it's got a double purpose.
you know, i use it for a bit of penalty practice.
you're not even trying, nath pran! not bad, nath pran.
you're improving.
well, hello, old boy! cranston scott marshall williams iv.
you can't be here.
i work down the block.
fran drescher lives in my building.
do you have any celebrities who live in this building? and if so, what are their apartment numbers? i'm going on break.
you really don't wanna be here when i get back.
oh, okay, um, remember, in england we drive on the left.
okay, good day, sir.
yes, good day.
here's your pizza, mr.
subramaniam.
i'm a bitch, i'm a tease, i'm a goddess on my knees where's the crazy bread? do not tell me you forgot my crazy bread.
i care more about the crazy bread than the pizza! the pizza is actually just an excuse to get the crazy bread! i- i didn't know i had to ask.
i- i thought it came with it.
take off those headphones! you'reseless like that to me! listen, we're not doing a movie.
we're robbing mick jagger.
much better for you.
you get college credit and you get rich.
whoa, whoa, where you going? i goa flower delivery.
what's the matter with you? bird flu.
you got a lady friend? what? you know, a girl.
kissy-kissy? uh, nah.
not right now.
i've been divorced four times.
you know why? i love the women too much.
they are life's most beautiful mystery.
you know what is my favorite part of a woman? her legs? no.
breasts? no.
oh.
her mind.
the vagina.
i love it! okay, gentlemen, what have we learned? that the building is tighter than gary's turban.
i'm not wearing a turban! relax, rikki-tikki-tavi.
it's an expression.
you wanna dance? let's dance! guys, stop, please! huh? oh, god.
uh, who the hell is that? uh, if it's the cops, what do we tell 'em? uh, we're a we're a book club! good! yeah, yeah.
uh, what book are we discussing? come on, come on! uh "bridges of madison coty"? perfect! that was a movie.
but i haven't read it.
esperanza? are you crazy?! what are you doing here? hey, you can't- how'd you find this place? I also want rob mick jagger what in colombia, i had a very good life.
i had everything i wanted.
here, i have nothing.
you're from colombia? i thought you were puerto rican.
back home, i was the girlfriend of a very dangerous man.
his name was enrico.
three years ago, he asked me to get married, so i fled to america.
why didn't you just say "no"? you're naive.
no one says "no" to enrico.
come, introduce me.
oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, okay, hold on a second, the knights of prosperity is a pretty tight-knit group, okay? and i don't know if they're gonna be really cool with a woman in the gang, so let me help smooth things over.
come on.
i really liked the bridges, and i thought that madison was an excellent county.
ahem.
uh, guys guys, please.
ahem.
gentlemen, if we can settle, please.
settle.
i have a point of business that- my name is esperanza villalobos, and i would like to join the knights of prosperity.
yes.
yes, i- good.
you really want to do this? okay.
it's fine.
mi casa, su casa, baby.
welcome.
welcome.
yeah, you in.
you in! definitely.
aw, you in.
so this is my swimming pool.
it's a great pool, so i'm told.
actually, i hate getting wet myself, but the dogs love it.
come on, charlie.
come on! come on, ronnie! yeah, we're having fun now! okay, phase one of robbing mick jagger.
today we just steal the key to his apartment.
let's synchronize our watches.
i've got 9:47.
wait, there goes 15 seconds.
no, that's the timer.
that's your alarm.
oh, okay, close enough! okay.
Let's comment this operation "steal mick jagger's key.
" eugene.
yeah? oh.
oh, good, yeah.
gotcha.
all right, thanks.
what's this? guns.
to shoot our enemy.
oh, whoa! no, no, no, no, no, no.
we're not using guns.
what are you, criminals or children? i got no trouble packin'.
i don't think i can do this.
look, all i wanted was a communications internship.
squatch, gary, tell the kid it's gonna be okay.
you, too? come on, guys, we can do this! huh? it's simple- we go in there, we find out what mick jagger's apartment number is, we take the key, we copy the key, we put the key back.
nobody's the wiser! we're-we're like ocean's eleven.
more like oceas idiots.
we're not idiots.
we deserve this as much as anybody.
you, squatch, with your guts and and, gary, with-with your brains and-and, louis, with your childlike innocence esperanza, your brains and, rockefeller, no offense, my brother, but your gigantic black guy super strength.
the sky is the limit.
i don't want to die like jonesy.
so what do you say? let's rob mick jagger.
bigbird has left the nest.
i've gotta take this up.
yeah.
yeah, okay, follow me.
may i help you, sir? i'm interested in buying some coffee.
what do you recommend? how now brown cow.
what is the apartment number? how now brown cow.
come on, come on, let's go.
got it.
good.
what's this? i couldn't find the tenant info book, so i'm giving you all the keys.
okay.
ahh.
ow! a lot of people like the house blend.
how about something full-bodied with an aromatic complexity and a silky mouth feel? go for esperanza.
get the handyman off the door.
come with me.
gourishankar on the move.
miss? miss! uh, couldn't get the apartment number so you gotta copy them all.
okay.
go, go, go, go.
go, go, go! i walk by this building often, and i have noticed you many times.
what? interesting.
now tell me about the gazebo blend, baby.
oh, come on.
this is ridiculous.
bigbird out the cage.
bigbird's out of the cage.
the heart wants what the heart wants, and i must kiss you now.
you're freaking me out with this, lady.
camptown races sing this song, doo-dah, doo-dah doo-dah! hey-ow! roy, please, come here.
roy! i gotta get back to the door.
come on, come on, you gotta move it.
go, go, go! excuse me! excuse me, could you possibly help me find my contact lens? wait, it's right here.
oh.
clear for louis? go for louis.
chief, what are you still doing in there?! i think i can find the apartment number.
forget it, forget it.
you're gonna get trapped.
bingo! i got it! i got it! 18a! mayday.
trouble at the door.
clear for eugene? this whole thing's turning into crap on a stick.
i gotta get out of here.
you count to 30, and then you make your move.
roy, let's go back inside.
i want to show you something.
what are you doing? two minutes-i show you something.
two minutes.
what are you doing? what is going on here, huh? what, are you messing around with my old lady? huh?! if you come anywhere- anywhere near my maria again, i will humpty-dumpty you two punks do you hear me?! let's go.
sorry, roy.
he's very possessive.
yes! yes! sorry, sorry, terrible traffic on the queensboro bridge.
show me them beautiful keys, baby.
all right! wait, whoa how many keys are in here? six.
six? i told you to copy all of 'em.
yes, and you also told me that "bigbird is leaving the cage," to come back no matter what.
see? i told you? it's not my fault! there was only supposed to be 1 key, not 100 keys! come on! all right, stop! stop fighting! everybody, come on, take a knee.
dear god, we humbly ask that one of these keys be 18a, so that we may more easily rob mick jagger.
thanks for your time.
amen.
okay.
4d.
14a.
man, this is like the pick 6.
19j.
6a.
18a!18a! come here, you crazy indian bastard! good job! aah! aah! we're gonna rob mick jagger! we're gonna rob mick jagger! we're gonna rob mick jagger! we're gonna rob mick jagger! we're gonna rob mick jagger! we're gonna rob mick jagger! welcome home, mr.
jagger.
thanks, godfrey.
m.
j.
's home, heading to sector three.