The Knights of Prosperity (2007) s01e02 Episode Script

all right,gang, let's get dressed for action.
take a t-shirt.
unh-unh,no,no,no.
just the black ones.
and everybody grab a ski mask.
oh,no,no,no,no,no, i cannot wear wool.
my skin is too sensitive.
okay,which one of you he-niuses thought it was a good idea for me to rob mick jagger in this outfit? i'm changing.
oh,no,no,no,baby.
'cause see,right now you aerodynamically sound.
okay,let's do it.
now guys,gather round.
come on,get in a circle.
come on,come on.
dear lord our whole lives we've unclogged toilets waited tables driven cabs guarded jewish supply warehouses, and,uh, louis has done stuff,too.
we want our slice of the american dream.
and so tonight,lord, we ask you to help us successfully rob mick jagger.
certainly, he will not miss a few crumbs from his table of much plentifulness.
- amen.
- what he said.
- amen.
- it's showtime.
let's go.
louis,stay with the car.
you're lookout,all right? if the cops come,give a signal.
- give a signal.
- signal? what signal? wait,guys.
i don't know how to do the whistle with the fingers in my mouth! this leads to the courtyard.
i saw it when we stole the key.
damn it! okay.
yes! uh,well, most of my athleticism is of a horizontal nature.
this little light of mine i'm gonna let it shine whoever had "not gay" in the office pool isn't looking too good right now.
that's his signal! this little light of mine, i'm gonna let it shine let's get in quick.
let's go.
flexibility could come in handy for robbing mick jagger.
no,no! we need a code to get in.
what would mick jagger's code be? "rolling stone.
" no,it's too obvious.
hold on,let me try something.
s- i-n-g-e-r.
"singer.
" try "i can't get no satisfaction.
" that's like 25 letters! no,no,no, because "i can't get no" is in parentheses.
- shh! - we ain't alone.
come on, let's get out of here! one more try.
i think i know it.
"m" "i" "c" "k" "mick.
" you expecting anyone? aah,what a crazy place this is! you order food,and then you shoot delivery man?! how'd you get in here? door open,door open.
i swear to do, door open.
i swear to lord jesus,i swear.
i come knock.
no one answer.
i touch screen, and bang,bang,bang, you want to shoot me like a squirrel! you guys can handle this.
would you like some free tandoori chicken? just get out of here.
god bless.
god bless you.
god bless america.
god bless you and america.
let's go,ladies.
- what the hell happened? - i'm gonna hit you so hard, you're gonna crap curry for a week! it's like fort knox up there.
they have another door with a thumbprint sensor.
oh,and the's armed security guards.
we,go! yo,dig this.
you know,mick jagger's apartment cannot be robbed.
he's got number codes, thumbprint locks, armed security guards.
for all we know,he's got a moat in there with crocodiles.
damn it,last night we spent two hours trying to get a tangerine out of this toilet, and we're back at it again.
- we're janitors.
- what do you want? i wanna be the guy that puts the tangerine in the toilet, not the guy who's gotta take it out.
yeah, what do the others think? let's rob fran drescher.
she got that "nanny" money.
gary,please,please.
now you said the name of the security company was burton,right? well,i got the number.
question- how much did you pay for that large photo of mick jagger? - 32 bucks.
- oh! why do we need this? you could've got half the size,and we sit here.
it would look the same, but it would only cost $16! and $8.
and $4! what about wallet size? we are robbing mick jagger,okay? you get a large photo of mick jagger! that's how it's done,people! okay,well,can we move it along? because i gotta get up early for t-ball practice.
7:00 a.
m.
please.
okay,first things first.
it's simple.
we gotta call burton security, we gotta get the access code, we gotta pretend we're mick.
now does anyone here do a good impression of mick jagger? hello,i am mick jagger! that's great.
if should rob gandhi,we'll let you know.
i am mick yagger.
- wow.
- oh,yeah.
yeah,yeah,yeah.
Very good.
i thought he was right here.
do it again,do it again.
rockefeller,you,uh, you got something? hello,madame, tickle your ass with a feather? close,close, but with all due respect, i think i shall handle this one myself.
burton security.
may i help you? oh,hello.
hello,mick jagger here.
ah,ahem,the number code to me apartment has slipped me mind.
probably all the song lyrics in me head.
just a moment,please.
this is simone cashwell's office.
mr.
jagger,i'm calling miss cashwell for you.
well,'urry up,please.
i'm standing in me hallway in me bathrobe, drippin' on the floor, and i need me's access code immediately,please! he's startin' to veer off into popeye.
i'm sorry,mr.
jagger.
she's not picking up her cell.
she'll be home any minute and can get your code off her computer there.
is there a number we can call back? a number you can call me back? i mean uh,no! thank you.
nice day.
good-bye! booyah! home run! that was a home run? yes, because we just discovered that there's a young lady named simone cashwell who has mick's code on her home computer.
she probably has all of mick's security information.
all we have to do is get into her apartment and then get into her computer,and then we get everything we need.
well,how do we get into her apartment? through the art of seduction, my friend.
count me out.
my wife bench-presses 160.
yeah,uh,i'm out,too.
you were never in.
uh,simone? simone? hi.
excuse me.
hello.
hi.
who are you? i am larry uh mc-uh uh larry.
prince ashid el fazhad muchashanoozy the fourth.
my friends call me "the fonz.
" ayy.
i ruled my people with a kind and generous hand.
someone might say,"oh,prince, could you give me a cat?" and then i would! i would just get them a cat.
no questions asked.
i once went over niagara falls in a barrel.
i'm what you might consider an entrepreneurial mergers and acquisitions, buy low,sell gh, financier type of gentleman.
but as you and i know, it always comes down to reaganomics,you know? that's right.
i packed myself in the damn barrel, went right over the falls.
wasn't so bad.
i sneak off to america to find a woman who likes me for me, and not because i'm a prince worth millions of dollars.
so then why'd you tell me you were a prince? sometimes it just slips out.
you like video games? i like pac-man.
ms.
pac-man.
would you care to continue this repartee over libations,milady? now what? everybody struck out.
not everybody.
orange,white,orange,white, orange,white,orange,white.
perfect! Louis, can't be quiet of you the success of this entire operation rests squarely upon your birdlike shoulders.
we need you to seduce this simone broad, and she's gotta take you back to her apartment, you log on to her computer, and you get the access code to mick's place.
- permission to speak freely? - granted.
i don't have much experience with broads.
i knew he was gay! hey,hey,whoa,whoa.
it's okay,little man,okay? I mean a naughty pass is an equal opportunity criminal organization.
and,hey, it is the '90s anyway,right? no,mr.
gurkin,it isn't, and i am not gay! oh,please,you make freddie mercury look straight.
excuse me,freddie mercury was straight.
what? why do you think they called it queen? because they were english.
it was a tribute ther majesty! - he was gay! - guys,guys,guys,please.
louis,i don't,uh, i don't get it.
if you're not gay,what's the problem? esperanza, would you mind stepping out of the room for a moment? why,so you can tell them that you're a weer-gin? she's right.
i haven't even asked a girl out.
it terrifies me.
i went to prom with one of the temps from my dad's office, and she had to go because my dad caught her with a lie on her resume? she didn't know crap about excel.
what the hell are we supposed to do with a gay virgin? hey,it's okay,louis, because the rest of the playas in this room are gonna teach you all the game you need to know.
okay,pal,first we gotta get you over ur fear of rejection,okay? so you're gonna go up to the first woman you see, and you're gonna ask her out.
what? i can't do that.
go.
uh,hello, my name is louis plunk, and i would like to take you dinner tonight.
i don't think so,honey.
okeydoke.
oh! my heart is pounding.
that was terrifying.
oh.
but you know what? i survived.
so thank you,mr.
gurkin.
i've learned a valuable lesson.
it ain't over yet, prince charmin'.
mm,you got 99 more to go.
come on.
excuse me, would either one of you ladies like to join me for,uh,tapas? tapas! spanish hors d'oeuvres! hey you wanna make some more of those? oh,wow.
uh,hi.
uh,you're-you're sally jessy raphael,right? hello.
oh,um can i-can i holla at ya? he's a disaster.
we're just getting started.
in my lifetime, i've made love to 73 women.
all were left satisfied.
many were left pregnant.
sex is like driving a taxicab- you can neither go too fast nor too slow.
and the condom is like a beaded seat cover for your danda.
rhythm is everything.
gyrate your pelvis to the beat.
come on,feel it.
come on.
come on.
with me.
that's right! good! ladies and gentlemen, i would like to present the first-ever recipient of the eugene gurkin extreme makeover- mr.
louis plunk! huh,huh? that's the makeover? i thought there would be plastic surgery or come on,i dressed him exactly like billy baldwin in the movie "sliver.
" he look like the bowzer from the sha na na.
this is never gonna work.
simone cashwell's just gonna laugh at me.
hey,hey, that is not true.
a lifetime of experience tells me it is.
well,a lifetime of experience told me i'd be nothing more than a janitor.
and look at me,huh? i'm the leader of a world-class criminal organization.
we can do things around here that we never thought were possible.
that's what the knights of prosperity are all about.
i thought it was about robbing mick jagger.
well,and that,too.
come on,let's go find that simone chick,huh? huh? want to,huh i want you to spread them wings, and i want you to fly! hold up.
the kid ain't ready yet.
angels of the street, present thyselves.
now first,juanita will take your virginity.
then syreeta will take it again.
what? from a tactical standpoint, it makes perfect sense for louis to get some sexual experience before going out into the field.
how is that wrong? what am i missing? school a brother! sorry i wasted y'all bitches' time.
are you sure you're okay? you're kind of knocking 'em back.
look,i had a really lousy day at work.
so why don't you just leave me alone? fine.
hmm,fine.
yo,baby girl.
you again.
seriously? question-do fries go with that shake? what shake? i'm sitting down.
but suppose you were shaking would fries go with it? i'm-a bet they would.
excuse me,is this african-american gentlemen bothering you? yeah,actually.
step off,man, before i start handing out beat-downs like frozen yogurt samples.
a'ight,i'm steppin'.
- that's right,chump.
recognize.
hola can i buy you a drink? you know what? you're a-you're a cute kid, seriously,but,uh, you're about an inch and a half too tall for my particular taste.
so,uh,i wouldn't want to lead you on.
but i can take my heels off.
just go.
who the hell are you? like,the son of some greek shipping magnate? i'll tell you who i'm the son of.
i'm the son of "let's go back to your place and destroy a perfectly good futon.
" and he's all up in my grill,right? so i'm like, "sajak homes either take it down a notch, or get your blow-dried ass - off of my yacht,playa!" - dude.
paolo.
my name is paolo.
i don't care.
i had a really bad day, and you were in the right place at the right time.
so just drop the act and thank your lucky stars.
my name really is paolo.
shut up.
the bed's that way.
yeah,all right,um but first i have to use the men's room, because i have a smallish bladder.
then go but hurry.
yeah! guys,guys, uh,i'm starting her computer.
fantastic,fantastic.
way to go,louis.
that's amazing.
what are you doing out there? uh,just singing with excitement.
guys, her-her desktop's up.
attaboy! what the hell are you doing on my computer? - checking e-mail.
- now? yeah,i have a,um,an auction ending in,like,three minutes.
i collect thimbles.
get in there now, or i will go back out and replace you.
guys she's totally on my jock.
um,i don't have time to get the code.
over.
okay,okay,change of plan- go get busy with the little lady, but make it last.
but before you do, go prop open the apartment door.
we're coming in.
come on,people let's move, let's move! uh,question - um,are we really about to,uh you know? uh,just- just be careful with it.
it's,um,today's man.
shh! do we all have to be up here? yeah,five heads are better than one.
there's the computer.
come on.
let's go,let's go.
what do we do? what do we do? ask jeeves.
maybe jeeves will know.
oh,my! oh,okay! - wait,wait,wait, wait,wait,wait.
- what? uh,simone,um, i- i know that i come off as a,uh,sir sex-a-lot or whatever but,um the truth is that i am a um i've never really done this before.
- you're a virgin? - big time.
- oh,god.
- but i like you! uh,and i want to do this.
really,i-i do.
it's just,um, i- i barely know you.
i mean,like, what are your views on the death penalty or cloning? but i can't get nothing from this computer.
it's got,like,the y2k bug or something.
but wait,look.
look at that folder.
it says "clients.
" double-click the folder! okay,okay,i got it.
oh,whoa,look,guys, it says "m.
j.
" double-click the subfolder! i guess i just always thought that my first time would be with someone i love.
not that i couldn't love you, because i think that i could with time.
uh,i just don't yet.
that's enough.
we're done.
that was quick.
let's go.
come on! simone,wait,uh, here's a thought- what if we were both to pledge mutual abstinence? wait a second.
there's the key code.
look 3-1-5-4-6.
okay,write it down! i just hope we could,uh,do th- wait! what? nothing.
i'm sorry i wasted y'all bitch's time.
ladies and gentlemen, the knights of prosperity have once again slain the dragons of adversity.
and we have in our possession the access code to one mick jagger's numerical keypad! yeah,yeah! whoo,whoo,whoo,whoo! rockefeller, distribute the 40s! 40s,40s,40s! uh-oh, it's the man of the hour, professor boo-tay himself- mr.
louis plunk! - yeah! - so,so,so? how was she? how was she? tell me everything.
huh? uh,she-she was a hellcat.
yeah! i told ya! that's my boy! all right! yeah,yeah,yeah! guys,um joining a- joining a crime gang was never really something i had in mind for myself.
i always thought that i would leverage my communications degree into a career as a network television censor.
but,uh,you guys just make me feel like i really belong.
um,and that's not something i've really felt before.
so thanks,everybody.
uh thanks for deflowering me! well,i guess he's not gay after all.
i bet he at least bi-curious.
we the knights, baby