The Knights of Prosperity (2007) s01e04 Episode Script

Operation: Deliver the case

Yo, dig this We the knights, baby.
The knights of prospetity 104 Maybe we should ask directions.
We're not lost, okay? It's up here somewhere.
Because men never ask directions I once saw cedric the entertainer do a whole shtick on that.
I nearly wet myself.
Wait, there it is- Calvin's copy shop.
You sure we can trust this guy? Yeah, he's in my cousin victor's car pool.
Come on.
Solid gold.
Excuse me.
Is, uh, calvin here, please? Yeah, i'm calvin.
Uh, Calvin how much are the 3-Sided copies? What? I say, calvin, how much are the 3-Sided copies? What the hell are you talking about? How much are the 3-Sided copies? All right, buddy.
I am done playing "match game '74.
" Get out of my store.
Whoa, whoa.
Wait a second.
Victor sent us.
Oh, the fake ID.
For the security job.
Come on back.
Victor said the code was "how much are the 3-Sided copies?" He was yanking your noodle.
Driver's license, passport, social security number And resume.
These aren't just mock-ups.
All the information is now inside the system.
They do a background check, you're covered.
They call the references on that resume, The calls funnel to my guys, and you are covered.
From now on, you are- Morris eisenberg? That will be $1,200.
What? There are black jews.
Ever hear of mr.
Sammy davis juniors? All due respect,i think we should go a different direction.
What name would you want? Liquid cool.
Yeah, how about just a normal name? Yeahlike rajmamahidhara or something.
What about stan jenkins? How about stan i.
cool? All right.
I'll find you a normal name.
One small problem.
We don't have $1,200.
How much you got? Oh, come on.
Come on.
You have money.
Come on.
Just give me-Give me it all.
What do you got? $4, $5 Looks like 28 bucks.
You pay me in installments.
That's good.
Thank you for coming in to with, uh, burton security.
What is your name, please? Regildld van hoogstratten.
Who did you work for last? Total defense security.
And where did you grow up, mr.
Van hoogen stracken? - New or-Leans.
- Um, if i might you really should say "norlans.
" Uh, that's how the natives say it-"Norlans.
" New or-Leans.
Great adjustment.
How long did you work for total defense security? 1998 to 2005.
What are your hobbies? Waterskiing and horseback riding.
What would you say is your greatest weakness? That not in the resume.
He doesn't need to know that.
It's still an interview.
They ask that kind of thing.
Sir, what is your greatest weakness? Uh, fried food? No, your greatest weakness is that you care too much.
They love that.
That's too many things for my brain to remember.
Not a good swing thought, my friend.
Remember, folks, we are simple people with a simple dream, And that dream is to rob mick jagger.
We call upon you to help us make this dream a reality.
You will nail this interview, Work inside mick jagger's apartment And we will all rob him successfully, Thereby living crappy lives no longer.
Okay, reginald? Who the hell is reginald? Yeah, uh, yeah, oh, yeah, right.
Pleasure to meet you, mr.
Van hoogstratten.
Well, i worked for total defense security For six and a half years.
I reported to a man named rich stanetto.
William patterson community college.
Old school, man.
Woof, woof.
I once apprehended two men dressed as leprechauns.
Very well done, mr.
Van hoogstratten.
Bring it in, please.
One more thing.
It'll just take a moment.
So i see you like to ride horses.
How'd you get into that? Grandpa van hoogstratten? In "norlans.
" This case has $150,000 in it.
I need for you to deliver it to this address in atlantic city By 10:00 a.
I trust you'll deliver it safely and on time.
Does this mean i got the job? Let's see how this goes first.
Oh, there may be people out there who want that case, So be careful.
People? What people? What Oh, man.
I just wanted to say hi to y'all.
We're gonna need a screwdriver and possibly a mallet.
Even though i got a fake name, they still know my face.
Oh, i'm way ahead of you, big guy.
You tell them you got robbed, okay? Maybe we even, uh, bruise you up a little For authentificational purposes.
Hey, don't gallop so fast, ron turcotte, okay? 'Cause if this case doesn't get down to atlantic city, Then he doesn't get hired.
Oh, boohoo, i'll give him a job counting my money.
There's 25 grand apiece in there.
Yeah,but if he doesn't get hired, we don't get to rob mick jagger, And that's our dream, and that's the glue That holds this great criminal organization together.
There's an old saying- 25 large in the hand is worth All the stuff in mick jagger's apartment in the bush.
Now, louis, go bring daddy some power tools.
Whoa, whoa.
No, look, If we steal this case, we might get 25 grand apiece, huh? But if we rob mick jagger, we can get millions.
That's right.
One part "mill," one part "yuns.
" This is like "deal or no deal.
" Let's all take a vote.
Excellent idea, and the decision must be unanimous, like a jury.
No way.
Majority rules, like an election.
First we should vote on whether the vote should be unanimous or a majority.
Question-Should the vote to decide whether the vote Be unanimous or a majority be a unanimous or a majority? Surrounded by idiots.
This case has to be in atlantic city in 18 hours.
Point well taken.
Majority rules.
Those of you who want to stick to your dreams, Go for the big prize and keep the knights of prosperity intact, Raise your hands.
That's not a fair way to say it.
How do you want to say it? If you raise your hand you are moron.
Okay, now vote.
Five to one.
It looks like we're going to a.
We'll take my cab.
Yeah, right, louis.
Let's go.
Time's wasting.
You know, louis, i thought long and hard, And i realize it was wrong of me to call you louis.
That was, like, two minutes ago.
That's true.
That very perceptive.
I have to say, when i look at you, It's like looking at myself in a mirror as a young man.
But i'm a geeky college kid and you're some italian guy.
Louis, you're so droll.
Louis, don't listen to him, all right? He's just trying to butter you up like a thanksgiving turkey To get you to change your vote.
Yeah, in real life, he hates you.
well, i talked about it, talk about it talked about it, talked about it Esperanza, how many pancakes do you have to serve at the diner Before you make 25 grand in tips, huh? All right, let me help you.
Let me do some quick math in my head.
Oh, let me see.
15%, carry the 1-a zillion! And, gary, Imagine trolling a club with a few grand in your pocket Instead of crumpled up dollar bills, huh? Don't you think you'd be taking home Some seriously high-class puttanesca with that? And I'm not talking about pasta here.
I am hearing what you say.
Yes! Whoa, whoa, guys don't you get it? We're not just eugene and gary and esperanza And squatch and louis and rockefeller anymore.
We're the knights of prosperity, And robbing mick jagger is our destiny, Not settling for the short money.
Great speech, dukakis.
I want a revote.
Who wants to take their $25k? I want to change my vote.
Yes! What? Come on, gunga din, get that hand up.
I also want to change my vote.
Ettu, gourishankar? This is more than one year's pay.
How can i pass this up? Anyone else want to come to their senses? You know what? It doesn't matter anyway, Because now it's three to two, baby! It's not three to two.
It's three to three Louis don't get a vote.
Why not? I'm a human being.
You're not a human being.
You're an intern.
That was uncalled for.
Look, it's three to three, and unless you get another vote, That case stays closed.
You know, rockefeller, you're actually a very handsome man.
Kiss my ass.
If that'll change your vote, i'm open to discussion.
Uh, guys, i think we're being followed.
What? That black sedan is riding us Like debra winger on a bull machine.
The agents at burton warned me about this.
We got gangstas on our collective ass! - Oh, god.
Gary, can we lose 'em? - You insult me, eugene.
I am a new york city cab driver.
Ladies, fasten your seat belts.
There are no seat belts in this currymobile.
Then hold on tight.
Do not insult me.
I am new york city cab driver.
I did nothing wrong.
The road is covered with gravel.
It is all bon jovi's fault.
They're coming.
Guys, they're coming.
Oh, protect the case! Are you folks all right? Y- Uh, yeah.
You sure? Maybe i better call the police.
We just having a picnic, mama.
This case full of 3-Bean salad.
You're black.
I know.
Some gangsters? Do you think they were crips or bloods? Now what? We're gonna miss our deadline.
Yeah, well, half of us don't even want to make the deadline.
Yeah, well, until you get a majority, We're gonna keep trying.
Does anybody have triple-A? The cab won't be ready till 9:00 a.
, But if we hurry-It'll be tight-we can still make it To atlantic city by 10:00 with the case.
here she comes miss america I'm not sharing a bed with him.
I'm gonna hide this thing behind the radiator.
Now we're gonna take turns guarding the room in shifts To protect it from thieves, bandits, highwaymen, the like.
First rotation will be me and squatch.
Everybody else, get some rest.
But there's four of us, and there's only two beds.
I'm confident that with a little bit of creativity And some good old-fashioned american know-how, We could find a way to turn that minus into a plus.
You sleep on the floor.
You're stubborn, eugene.
You get a fantasy in your head, you refuse to let it go, Like that time you got that book on card tricks.
You remember that, huh? You carried around a deck of cards with you for four weeks, Claiming that you could be the next doug henning.
I could be the next doug henning.
Oh, jeez.
Listen, i'm break it down for you, all right? If you switch over to my side, I'll give you my solemn word of honor- I will have sex with you.
Have you ever practiced the ancient art of meditation? No.
I will teach you.
Now? Go ahead, squatch.
Pick a card, any card.
13, 12 Deeper and deeper you go i long to see the sunlight in your hair and tell you time and time again how much i care Pick a card, any card! Fine! Fine! You happy? Yeah, i'm ecstatic! Good! Don't let me see it! hello Please, stop siing at me.
hello Is this your card? Yeah.
Yeah! Whoo! Yeah, huh? Doug henning! At the count of three, i will snap my fingers, And you will want to open the case.
One, two Hey, none of us can sleep.
You guys want to grab some beers? Huh? What? No! All right, look, i know things are hard right now, okay? But let's focus on why we joined the knights of prosperity in the first place- To make our dreams come true.
Like when we rob mick jagger, i'm gonna open up my bar, And to celebrate, i'm gonna throw the party of the century.
Gary, what do you dream about? First, i will hire a butler, Then i will hire a second butler, Then i will order them to kickbox.
Esperanza? As a poor little girl in colombia, I always dream of having pony- A white one with a thick golden mane And a single shiny horn in the forehead.
That's a unicorn, baby.
They not for sale.
They's mythological.
What about you, squatch? You wanna know what i dream about? Really? I dream about paying off the 15 grand I owed to the banks and the credit cards.
I dream about hiring a, uh, exterminator To get the mice out of my place.
I dream about taking my wife out, You know, someplace fancy for once, And i dream about putting my kids through college.
That's what i dream about.
You know, squatch got a point.
I can't be turning my nose up at 25 large.
I'm a broke-ass negro.
And that makes it four to two.
We've got ourselves a majori-tay.
Come on.
Let's get back to the room And pop this sucker open.
Wait, just wait.
A toast to the end of our little road trip together.
I've always loved a good road trip- The open highway, Huey lewis tunes blasting on the radio, But sometimes you hit a fork in the road.
You try and take a shortcut.
You get lost.
When i was 17, i hit a fork like that.
Take a right, finish school, go off to college Or, uh, take a left, drop out, Make a couple of easy bucks sweeping floors at the Y.
Guess which road i took? Which was school again? The right or the left? So go ahead, guys.
Go ahead.
Go back.
Open up that case.
Take the money.
You deserve it, But i hope you like the road you're on, Because that money's not gonna change your lives.
It was a, uh, pleasure doing crimes with you all, And i, uh hope to see you around.
Okay, eugene.
You win.
Rise up, y'all.
Time to roll.
I am already awake Me, too.
Oh, uh, i didn't mean to, uh I'm sorry.
Oh, god.
All right, we better, uh, get a Wait a second.
Where's squatch? Don't even tell me there no case back there.
Do not also even tell me there no case back there.
It's gone.
Oh! Squatch stole the case.
Hey, don't go jumping to conclusions.
Jumping? Who is jumping? Squatch is gone.
The case is gone.
What do you think happened? Squatch was abducted by aliens While simultaneously- By pure coincidence- The case was also abducted by aliens? Aliens that resemble cases? Or could it simply be that he stole the case?! Listen, i've known squatch for ten years, - And the squatch i know would never steal that case - We have to find him.
If you were squatch, where would you be going right now? Disney world? I'm going to throw him in front of mr.
Toad's wild ride.
I haven't had that since 1998.
Hey, hey, squatch is not a thief.
Perhaps you have forgotten- We're all thieves! You people lookin' for something? Squatch.
Where you been? Gettin' the cab.
With the case? Yes, with the case.
The rest of you bastards and bastardinas were asleep.
It was gettin' late, so i took the case for safe keeping.
I walked all the way down to the auto shop and picked up the cab.
Oh, you guys got some nerve.
It's called trust, people.
Okay, this is it.
Go get that job, rockefeller.
I think you mean, "go get that job,ronald van heffernan.
" Van hoogstratten.
Ronald van hoogstratten.
Actually, it-It's reginald van hoogstratten.
Oh, right.
That's exactly why we should have stuck with "liquid cool.
" Burton security I got a shiny metal case for y'all.
You must be reginald van hoogstratten.
In full effect, baby.
Thank you.
So, uh, chief, Now that we're waiting for mr.
T to come back, There's, um, something i oughta say.
What's on your mind, squatch? I want to thank you for, uh, backin' me up this morning, You know, when everyone thought that i stole the case.
That meant a lot to me.
No problem.
And since we're on the subject, um, i stole the case.
What?! Yeah, i got into the cab and i just-I started driving south, You know, but i kept hearing your voice in my head, you know, And i tried to drown you out, But, uh, gary's radio only gets that indian crap.
You know, and around exit 25, i realized that i- I couldn't live with myself.
I don't want to steal from you guys, and, um, I definitely don't want to settle for the life that i got, So, uh, i turned around, And here i am.
Come here.
Ah, what the heck.
Me, too.
What? I also stole the case.
What?! Yes, yes, at 4:00 a.
, i took the case And tried to hitch a ride to the canadian rockies.
You've heard of banff? Breathtaking, But no one would pick me up, and i was getting chilly, So i came back, and here i am.
What? Let's hug.
This seems to be in order.
Thank you, mr.
Van hoogstratten.
Here's a tip.
Does this mean i have the Job? Hey, whoa.
So? What happened? Did you get the job? They didn't say.
What do you mean? You're killing me here.
But they did give me a stack of benjamins.
Uh, the last time any of you checked, Whose picture's on the benjamin? Benjamin.
This is not benjamin.
They're fake.
They've been fake all along.
What is this, some kind of cruel joke? No.
No, it's a test! Don't you get it? It's been a test this whole time.
They were testing rockefeller's honesty.
This is like the end of a Night shamazillion movie.
Hold on, everybody there's a note The knights of prosperity Have just got themselves an inside man.
Huh? Huh? Huh? You've been hired, brother! knights of prosperity we the knights, baby.