The Knights of Prosperity (2007) s01e05 Episode Script

Operation: Ralph

Eugene Gurkin was a janitor Cleaning toilets for the men.
Sleeking and flushing Then he decided that he had enough, got a crew and made a plan.
(now they're the) Knights of Prosperity Robbing from the rich to give to themselves.
Knights of Prosperity! We're the Knights, baby! Yeah You're here by call the war to this official meeting of the Knights of Prosperity A point of business before we get started? Go ahead Gourishankar.
I would like to propose that next time when we go to rob Mick Jagger, instead of whool ski masks, we wear theses.
My skin can breathe.
You look as if Ringo Starr walked into a sliding door.
ok, moving on.
Tomorrow morning, 9am, Rockefeller will enter Mick Jagger's appartement to start his new job, as the security gard Reginald Van Hoogstratten.
Finally give us an opportunity to case the join from the inside.
Now I've taken the liberty to make up a list of 20 things I want you to keep a particuliar eye on, and find out about, once you're inside the appartement.
These are Who erased my list? I think we know who did this.
I didn't do it.
Not important, moving on.
These is the three biggest I want you to keep an eye out for, ok? One: What are the valuables,where they're kept? Two: Where are all the entrances and exits? And three: What are the comings and goings of the guards, Mick and his houseboy Nath Pran? Consider it done.
I do not look like a thumb! I didn't do it! It's Rockefeller.
Ask him what it's like in that.
Hit me, brother Butts.
Eugene, we've got a fly in the ointment.
What happened? I didn't get assigned to Mick Jagger.
What? I gotta go.
Have you lost your mind? You're gonna create a mob scene.
But they told me you specifically requested that Screech be on the sign.
My name is Dustin Diamond.
Screech is a character I played on Saved by the bell what, ten years ago.
Sorry, Mr.
It's ok, call me Screech.
Hey, check out this stuff I ordered from SkyMall.
Not here.
We're too exposed.
This sucks! We work so hard to get him the job, he gets the job, and he's not even assigned to Mick Jagger.
It just ain't right.
What are we gonna do? Let's not get crazy and let's think.
what do we know? First of all, Screech sounds like a crazy crackle like in mamma jamma.
Not even close, sir.
Forget about Screech.
What did you learn about Burton Security? They've got different teams assigned to different celebrities.
I'm the floater, so they put me wherever they need me until a permanent job opens up.
But that can takes months! Years! Which is why tomorrow you're gonna march into your supervisor's office and say "I don't wanna be a floater no more.
" And when he asks you "where'd you like to be assigned?" Say, and act very casually when you do this, say "I don't know, maybe Mick Jagger.
" ok, do that.
But I've been here one day.
Rockefeller is a gentleman who works in a Jewish supply warehouse.
Certainly you're familiar with the term "chutzpa" It's not no sound right there.
This about grabbing our destiny.
Grabbing destiny.
- That's right, you can do this.
- I can do this.
- You can do this.
- I can do this.
- I've got chutzpah! - I've got chutzpah! - I've got chutzpah! - I've got chutzpah! Who the hell do you think you are?! You have some set of royal brass stones to come in here after one day and ask to be a permie.
Who the hell do you think you are? Do you know how long I was a floater? Six years! Yes sir, I'm sorry, I thought Get out of here, Van Hoogstratten! - Now! - A'ight Frank Cortland's office.
What are you looking at, floater? Sounds like you met the one and only Frank Cortland.
Man, I'd like to put that guy through a juicer We all would.
Ralph Carnucci.
Rockefell- Sorry, I can't get that damn song out of my head.
Reginald Van Hoogstratten.
I was a floater for three years.
Sucks I once had to take Bed Millers Duckson to the Sundance Film Festival.
Who are you assigned to now? Mick Jagger.
I work in his appartment Let's go Carnucci! with Mister Sunshine.
See you around.
What did I tell you Rockefeller? Believe in yourself and magic happens.
Eugene, the man chewed my ass off.
Do you see under here? No ass! A small price to pay, because you delivered us the golden ticket to the chocolate factory and his name is Ralph Carnucci.
Ok, so what do we do now? We befriend the guy.
We engage him in some laughs, and before he know, he'll spill all kind of useful info before he even knew he did it.
How do we befriend Ralph Carnucci? Karaoke night.
We concentrate on the duets.
You sing "Islands in the Stream" with the guy, and trust me, bounding happens.
Okay Anyone else with any ideas? Let's take him to a strip club.
Nothing makes a guy talking like booze and boobs.
Gary, there is a lady present He's right, these things work like truth serum.
Look, I like the hanky yanky as much as the next guy, unless the next guy of course is Gary.
But I don't think that's the proper setting to engaging casual conversation.
Anyone else? Anyone else? How about go to a strip club? I just rejected that! I mean now, might help us think.
I got it.
Rockefeller says he's got an open seat in his weekly poker game.
That poker game is us.
We play cards with him have laughs engaging casual conversation about his work and Squatch, Bim! That's brillant! You once again hit us with your genius thing.
That's USA one, and India zero! I'll be at Flash Dancers.
Right on, excellent, all right! Ralph and Rockefeller are on their way up, okay? So, before they get here Louis, get out the booze, all right? That will help lubricate the information flow.
And everybody remember, Rockefeller's name is Reginald Van Hoogstratten, ok? What about us? Don't we need fake names too? Oh, good point.
All right, I'm Bernie.
That is the stupidest name I've ever heard! Oh yeah? What do you got? Mike.
Hey, yo! Wait, guys, I still don't have a fake name! This is Ralph.
How you doing? Hey, Ralph, hi! Hey, Bernie.
Bernie, how are you? Madonna.
I am Mike and this is Skipper.
And you are? Eugene.
It's nice to meet you all.
I got to meet Screetch at the comedy club.
- Plate of a floater.
- Hey, come on! It's tequila time! Ralph, you you're with me, buddy? It's like being on the streets of Tijuana! ok, cowboys.
The name of the game is "Seven card start".
Two's, Three's, Four's, Five's, Six's - and Seven's are wild! - What is this? Poker or Go fish? ok, no wild cards.
So, Reginald tells us you do a little security work for Mick Jagger.
For a few years now.
I always wondered Do those guys eat with real silverware, you know, like the real silver kind like actual real silver? I really don't eat with them.
Of course not.
Don't be ridiculous, Bernie.
He can't eat with Mick Jagger because he too busy guarding things like all the expensive paintings that must be on the walls, huh? Well Sort of.
There are expensive paintings on the walls? We don't really eat with the client, was what I meant.
- But the silverware is real silver, right? - Probably.
I guess I really don't know.
- The room is spinning.
- Go back to sleep, pirate ok.
Hey, big guy.
My set's about 40 minutes, could get up to 45, you know, giving the laugh spread.
Once I'm off-stage, you gotta get me out through the back of the kitchen, no stopping, if the crowd gets me, I'll be yacking with them forever.
Yes, Mr.
Ladies and gentlemen, He's screeched his way into your hearts on Saved by the Bell.
Here he is Justin Diamond! So a horse walks into a whore house, Three dollars.
Are you bluffing? I think you are bluffing.
Are you bluffing? I'm not bluffing.
Which is exactly what you would say if you were bluffing.
I did not swing out of a tree yesterday, my friend.
I call.
Three kings.
Surprise, surprise! Ralphy boy wins again.
Listen, guys, I gotta be at work tomorrow at 6am.
Those are your normal hours? Normal hours? My hours are whatever my hell of boss decides to make them.
We've all had our share of crappy bosses,huh? Not like this dude.
The only thing I like about this guy is that I know one day he will die.
Is there a bathroom around here? Yeah, right back that way.
We've got nothing from this cabrón! And he took all our money! Silly me, I thought if I robbed Mick Jagger, I would have more money, not less.
We can turn this guy.
- Say what? - We should ask him to help us rob Mick.
I think your janitor work has caused you to inhale too many cleaning chemicals.
Did you see the look on his face when he talked about how much he hated his boss for the right price, this guy will help us.
And how do we even approach this? Do we wait for him to come out and ask him: "Hey, could you please pass those chips and help us rob Mick Jagger?" I'll do it alone, and I'll do it gingerly.
Like a cougar stalking its unsuspecting prey.
If I feel that he's not going forward, I'll pull back, but if he does then- Toilet paper's got menorahs on it.
Felt a little weird.
Oh, yeah, ban on that, chief.
Hey, Ralph, have you seen the view of the city from here? - No, didn't see it.
- It's unbelievable.
You gotta check it out before you take off.
All right, let's go! - Pretty good poker player.
- Thanks.
You too.
Didn't think that poker is to pick up vibes from the other player, you know what I mean? Definitely.
You need to vibe your own and get burned.
If you did right, you're breaking into part all without a word.
Very very true.
I get a vibe off from you, Ralph.
I don't know exactly how to approach this.
How do I say? But I think you and me got some stuff in common.
- And - It's fun watching you squirm.
I'll make it easier on you.
Let's have diner friday night.
- Where? - Forget it.
It ain't happening.
Come on, chief, this is the kind of break we've been waiting for! I've only had one rule in my entire life that I've lived by,it has always served me well.
Never date anybody named Ralph.
But it is just diner.
One tiny little gay meal.
Yeah, but what if he wants something more? what'so big hold his hand a little.
Or give him a neckrub.
Yeah, exactly.
What if he tries to kiss me? You turn your head away like you're shy.
But he don't believe you.
He smile gently, put his hand upon your face, and say: "Come on, yo, let's do this thing.
" Suddenly, his lips on yours, and kissing you hard.
And the crazy thing is you're kissing him back.
And it feels so strange and somehow familiar.
Your heart start pounding.
Your head get dizzy.
The rest of the night go by in a fever dream.
You wake up naked in the tangle of suede sheets skin to skin with another man.
suit? You say goodbye to the life you knew.
'Cause from now on, you're living on the down-low.
I'm just playing with you, babe, you'll be fine.
Please, Eugene.
You're the only one that can convince Ralph to help us rob Mick Jagger.
We need you.
Screech wants chicken wings.
chief? Yeah, come on in, Squatch.
Look at you, right! Regular Audrey Hepburn.
I am never gonna let you forget a single moment of this magical evening.
Please, go away.
Relax! I'm not here to push the boost? I'm here to talk strategy.
ok? Now, the name of the game tonight - is tease, tease.
- How's that? How many times you've been played by a hot chick? She strings you along, you do whatever she wants, in the vain hope that someday, eventually, she's gonna give up your am I right? I guess.
ok, well, tonight, my friend, for the very first time in your life, you're the hot chick.
So you tease, tease You make him think that the only way into those pants is by helping us rob Mick Jagger.
Alright, Squatch, I'll do what I can do.
Good! Now come here, put this on.
What? It's a gay hat.
So how went that clam strips? ok.
How's the frozen mousse like? Acceptable.
I'm sorry I had to drag you all the way down to Connie Island.
I mean the onions were awful.
It doesn't even have his own special dipping-sauce ketchup, please - Come on.
- It's a dump.
I'm sorry.
I can't risk my boss seeing me with a man.
I know this agent who came out of work, 2 weeks later they fired him for setting an office surprise.
Meanwhile, my boss is banging the secretary the whole time, like that's perfectly ok.
Security business So freaking macho.
You know, the janitor world's the same.
You know, it's just like Top Gun with toilets.
- You got a great sense of humor, Barney.
- Thanks, Ralph.
So So How about a stroll on the boardwalk? - I don't know, it's getting kind of late, and - Come on! It's such a lovely night.
Well Alright.
You like comedy, right, Van Hoogstratten? You're a comedy fan? I guess so.
You've seen Saved by the bell, right? - I'm familiar with that program.
- ok, be honest with me.
What's funnier, Saved by the bell or any of Woody Allen's last five movies? I'm not talking Annie Hall or Sleeper either.
Talking about his last five movies.
The new one I've seen is Match Point.
And that was dramatical.
Come on.
True or false: Dustin Diamond is funnier than late-period Woody Allen.
True? Or false? True.
Eat a wing.
Not that one.
So, you feel like having a little Night Cap, back at my place? I don't think so.
- Unless - What? Nothing No, please.
There was something I was meaning to ask you, but Yeah? Well, it's kind of a business opportunity.
A way for a couple of guys like us to turn our lives around.
I don't follow you.
Have you ever considered in your life doing anything that wasn't completely you know, a 100% legit? What are talking about? Some sort of Bonnie and Clyde action? Not Bonnie and Clyde, Clyde and Clyde, you and me, buddy! Are you serious? I don't know where you're headed with this and frankly I don't want to.
I'm a good catholic boy.
I think if I stay out of trouble here on earth, when I get to the Pearly Gates, Jesus'll let the whole gay thing slide.
You got the wrong guy.
Wait a second, Ralph! Wait! I thought you liked me.
I'm sorry.
This is no good.
I love you, Johnny Cakes.
What? You don't watch the Sopranos? I cannot afford showtime.
Look, I practically did it with the dude, - and what do we have to show for it? Nothing! - No No No Not quite nothing, chief.
I got something for you.
We have this! Oh, I love this,I love it.
Sure feels good not to be the gayest guy in the room, for once.
No, you're still the gayest.
Louis! Go kiss Eugene! So funny I forgot to laugh.
Meanwhile our plan is down the poopster.
- Not necessarily.
- What are you thinking, Gourishankar? You said Ralph's boss had a guy fired for being a homosex, right? We send these photos to Ralph's boss.
He get Ralph fired for being a homosex.
That create an opening with Mick Jagger.
They fill that opening with their only floater, Mr.
Rockefeller Butt.
But wait a second, we can't just out this guy.
Why can't we out a homosex? He's the enemy! Suddenly, all homosex, we must be friendly to? That's not the point.
This particular homosex is one of us.
- Ain't one of me.
- We don't even have gay in India.
Look, he's like a working stiff, juste like us guys, you know? And I got to know this guy, and I kinda like him, regardless of his private weener business.
All right? So we don't do that, we don't burn a guy like this, a nice guy, that's That's just not the Knights of Prosperity way.
Are you with me, Louis? I'm sorry, what? Wait a second Hold on a second, yeah! Wait a minute, I got it.
Yes, Eugene Gurkin's brain has figured it out once again! Ralph said his boss is cheating with his secretary.
Squatch? Get your camera.
So last night, I'm at the bar,I meet this girl, she's like a cross between Miss December 1993, Alyssa Bridges, and Miss April 2004, Jamala Dissiza So I get her back to my place, right? ok, listen, everyone.
As of today, Frank Cortland is no longer with Burton Security.
- Oh, yeah? - Carnucci? I want you to take his place.
- Yes, sir.
- Good.
But that leaves us one short to Mick Jagger's.
Van Hoogstratten.
See me in my office.
What is it? You ok? I'm in! Congratulations! Now, let's go out the homosex.
You know The tall guy, Ralph? What? He's gay!