The L Word s01e01 Episode Script

Pilot

1 (Marianne Faithfull singing "The Pleasure Song") I got so much love So much more So much more love to give I got so much more So much love So much more love left to give So much pleasure Draws me like I never saw And I've never seen you Look like this before - Bette, come here! - What? You're ovulating.
I'm ovulating.
Let's make a baby.
- Let's make a baby.
- (both laugh) Get dressed and I'll drop you off on my way to work.
I got somewhere Somewhere to be Somewhere to be with you Somewhere Somewhere to be with you - Hey, Tim.
Good luck.
- Hi.
Thanks.
Oh! I am so ready.
- It's coming.
- Thank you.
- Hi, Shane.
- She doesn't talk before her morning shot.
There, Don Juan.
- I mean she's a kid.
- Whatever, it's fine.
- Don't freak out.
- OK.
- All right.
Later, guys.
- Bye.
- Bye, Lisa.
- See you, Shane.
- You're not leaving already? - I got a nine o'clock, guys.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Good morning.
I'll meet you at the doctor's.
- What time are we going to whatshisname's? - Eleven.
- Bye, guys.
- God, is it happening today? - Is what today? - The insemination.
- Oh! - You're doing it at the doctor's this time? - But first Dan Foxworthy.
- No way.
- Why don't I know what you're talking about? - You don't read.
- And you are the intellectual of life? - Dan Foxworthy is shrink to the stars.
He's one of LA's best self-improvement gurus.
How did you get that appointment? I just called and asked.
Don't tell Bette I told you.
- OK? - But you guys don't need a shrink.
We're just checking in.
We're about to do this major thing.
Wait, you guys have the best relationship I know, gay or straight.
I want to make sure we're good.
Sorry.
- Hi.
- Could I offer you a ride? - I missed you so much.
- I missed you.
- Is that all you have? - That's all I have.
I can't believe you're here.
Come on.
She's always running late.
She had a board meeting, then a meeting with an artist.
Bette's the director of the California Arts Center.
I see.
She's probably gonna be really stressed about time.
We have to get sperm.
We're trying to have a baby.
- Our friend Sean's donating.
- (door opens) Sorry I'm late.
James? Yeah, I've got to go in a minute.
No, the artwork is too delicate.
It's been flown in from Paris and Annie is a nervous wreck.
Just call Adams Fine Art Movers.
Tell them if they wanna do business with CAC again Exactly.
OK, great, thanks.
Bye.
OK.
Here I am.
So.
(Tim) We are heading north, towards the Hollywood Hills.
Ahead on the right is the Hollywood sign.
Keep going that direction, you hit the Pacific.
- Oh, can we go? - Yeah, whenever you want.
As often as you want.
(cars hoot) (horns more insistent) What is the thinking behind trying to have a child when your sexual relationship has been pretty shitty for three years? It's not shitty.
It may not be perfect There's more to a relationship than sex.
We've been together seven years.
- Most couples still have sex after seven years.
- It's not like we never have sex.
Heterosexual couples have children when their relationships aren't perfect.
- (mobile buzzing) - You obviously don't understand lesbians.
I don't believe that a straight male therapist can possibly understand.
Early sex is passionate.
It's illicit, exciting, still has that (gasps) factor but very quickly, a kind of symbiosis develops, especially between two women who are making a serious commitment to one another.
And when that merging occurs the intense mutual dependency can be a deterrent to intimacy.
Oh, my God.
The lesbian urge to merge.
- We have to stop now.
- Oh.
- Do you want to schedule another session? - Tina and I need to talk.
- What about this insemination? - That's not up for discussion.
- Not up for discussion? - No, it's not.
I quit my job.
I was a pretty successful development executive.
I wanna relax and prepare my body for pregnancy.
That's what I'm doing.
I'm ready to start a family.
We're both ready to start a family.
Right? - Absolutely.
- Right.
OK.
Great.
So this is our neighbourhood.
I can't believe this is our home, Tim.
It's very traditional.
- Wait till you get to know it.
- What do you mean? It's not as traditional as you might think.
- So here's your new home.
- I can't believe I'm finally here.
- This was the longest six months in history.
- Yeah, but your studio's finally ready.
(gasps) So this used to be a garage.
Until a few days ago.
I did a remodel for you.
Go on.
Try it out.
Come on.
(woman) Oh, my God! - I love it! - I have to go.
I'll be back soon.
What a fucking auspicious occasion.
I'd love to break open champagne, but I got to get back to work today.
- Sorry it's not more enticing.
- Don't worry, I do this all the time.
I love his new work.
He's using paint so much more freely.
- I don't remember it having this much texture.
- (Sean groans) (Sean grunts) (Sean yelps) (Sean growls) (Sean coughs and squeals) I don't want you to be stressed out, honey.
I know this is your first time curating for me.
I'm gonna give you a lot of support.
This will lighten your load.
Guess what Tina has between her legs.
(Bette laughs) Close.
A jar of Sean Heaney sperm.
I kid you not.
She's keeping it warm.
Supposedly once it's been ejaculated, it survives longer kept at body temperature.
Huh? Oh.
Uh, hold on a second.
Uh, it's only about half an inch, but they say it's quality, not quantity.
That is repugnant.
I can't believe I used to swallow it.
(Shane) Tina said I could swim here whenever.
- They're uptight at the Chateau.
- How are they uptight? They don't let you swim naked.
It is a public pool.
(women gasping) I'm gonna take a look at this.
While I'm gone There's a fair amount of evidence that it's more likely to take if you're aroused.
(PA system) Dr Wilson, call on line two.
(laughs) She's not serious! Am I supposed to fuck you right here? I think it would help.
(sighs) (Bette laughs) This is just This is too weird for me.
I mean, frankly, I find it inappropriate that she even suggested it.
I bet she would never do that with a straight couple.
(PA) Dr Smith, please contact reception.
(knock at door) Come in! Could you come here a minute, please? (PA) Dr Wilson, call on line one.
You may want to take a look at this.
- (Bette) Shouldn't they be moving more? - That's what I wanted to show you.
I am so sorry to tell you, but that stuff wouldn't get anyone pregnant.
Those little fellas just don't have what it takes.
- Hello! - Hi.
What kind of positions do you have available? I might be looking for a job.
Um, cashier.
- Really? - Yeah.
Excellent.
- Um, could I have an application? - Yeah.
(chatter) Hi, your ladyship.
Please, don't jar anything.
- It won't dislodge if she sits down too hard.
- There's nothing to dislodge.
Sean's sperm is lacklustre.
He has low motility.
No motility, actually.
God.
You would never know it by the way he fucks.
When will you make up your mind between dick and pussy? - And spare us the gory bisexual details.
- Well, for your information, Dana I look for the same qualities in men and women.
- Big tits.
- It's why I haven't got pregnant in six months.
- Oh, sorry.
He was the perfect donor.
- He was the one Bette wanted.
But my egg just implanted so I could conceive any time over the next few days.
So you gotta help me find another donor.
What's the matter? - Hm.
- Sean's jism was no good.
- We'll find you someone else.
- Who? I've got two days.
Between us, we'll come up with someone.
What, he has to be healthy, strong, creative, handsome Artistic.
- There's always Shane.
- Guys.
- Do you have to dress like that all the time? - Like what? I wouldn't be seen out with you.
Everything about the way you're dressed screams dyke.
- God, Dana.
- Sorry, man.
Look, if I'm outed, I'm screwed, Alice.
Sponsors aren't clamouring to have stuff repped by lezzy tennis players.
It's cool.
I totally dig the need to make a living.
I'm meeting a client anyway.
You are gonna pickle in that self-loathing homophobia.
You're gonna shrivel in that self-righteous priggishness.
You guys All right.
Who would squirt into a jar for you? (sighs) (posh British accent) Hello.
- What? - You are just so gay.
So gay.
I know.
I know.
Do you, uh, know the neighbours next door? Bette and Tina? - Are they, um, a gay couple? - Yeah, they are.
I saw them having sex in their pool this afternoon.
- Not Bette and Tina.
- They don't have sex? Probably they do, it's just that Are you sure you saw them getting down? I saw them getting way down, Tim.
Is that right? Why don't you tell me about it? OK.
There was this girl .
.
with short, black hair.
And she walks out .
.
and takes off her clothes in two seconds flat.
Yeah? Like this? I think it was a little bit faster.
- Really? - Yeah, I do.
We'll work on that.
And then there was .
.
this blonde girl .
.
who had these really beautiful breasts.
- Oh, really? - But I wasn't watching that closely.
Oh, I think you were watching.
Very closely.
What did they do next? The tough, skinny one takes the blonde, vampy one .
.
backs her against the side of the pool .
.
and then she begins to fuck her.
Like this? (woman) Fuck.
Trish, your backstroke is looking much better.
- Oh, thanks.
- Looking good for USC.
Have you guys got extra stroke training scheduled? Uh, yeah.
Tomorrow after physics.
Could you come with me in the morning to talk to Durst about repeating my mid-term? I can't in the morning.
My girlfriend Jenny's in town.
She wants me to take her car-shopping.
- Oh, she's moving here? - Yeah.
She's in it for the long haul.
Oh.
Trish.
Maybe after practice we can talk to Durst together.
OK.
(laughs) - You know you just broke that girl's heart? - What else could I do? Is that Dana Fairbanks at The Planet in West Hollywood? Shh! She doesn't want her tennis fans to know she's a gay lady.
Funny.
OK, fine.
What do you guys think about butt-waxing? - Who has hair on their butt? - (Dana) I don't know.
- (gasps) - At least I don't any more.
- Why didn't you just trim it? - You'll have to figure this out without me.
Bette, Tina, I had a genius idea.
I have solved your donor problem.
Have a party on Saturday and we'll invite all the eligible men we know.
- That's right.
All two of them.
- Get them all together at one time.
- You just go fishing in the pond.
- Great.
- Great.
- I'm leaving now.
- All right, I'm gonna call you about that.
- OK.
- Back to my question, please.
- OK.
Trimming is essential.
You do it a few days before you get laid.
Assuming you ever do.
Whatever, you have to deal with it.
Otherwise you'll never have bush confidence.
Then you won't feel good about your bush and you'll never get laid.
So deal with it.
OK.
Do you need any rosemary? It's kind of taking over my garden.
- Oh, hi.
- Did I scare you? I'm sorry.
- Not at all.
I'm Jenny.
- I'm Tina.
I would love some rosemary.
I have this story I've written called Thus Spoke Sarah Shuster.
That's the last story I ever wanna write about being a student.
You might change your mind later.
I'm thinking about going back to school.
I'd like a new career.
- You should do it.
- Yeah? Maybe in a couple of years.
I'm trying to have a baby.
Really? - But Tim said that you and Bette - Mm-hm.
- .
.
were a couple.
- We are.
- And I'm trying to get pregnant.
- Oh, my God, yes.
Everything still works.
We can still have babies.
It was just like It was a momentary brain lapse.
- Hey, guys.
- Hey.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Gay dads' group.
They meet once a week at a house on Ogden.
It's all very LA, huh? No, it's nice.
Um, I should go home and write.
OK.
- OK.
Thank you very much for the rosemary.
- You're welcome.
We're having a party tomorrow night.
You and Tim should come.
I'll ask Tim if he wants to.
Nice meeting you.
- It was nice to meet you too, Jenny.
- Bye.
(siren wails) - What do you have to say for yourself? - Can I see your licence and registration? - Look, I really gotta be - Ma'am.
OK, all right, hang on.
I was on my way to my first paying gig in over a year.
You are overreacting.
She is our friend.
- Oh! Like that's ever stopped you before! - Like that's ever stopped anyone before.
Right.
Lesbians think friendship's another word for foreplay.
- Hello.
- Hey, how are you doing? Have you noticed every time Shane walks into a room, someone leaves crying? - Shane? - Yeah? Hey.
How come you didn't call me the other night? I left five messages.
Oh, well, I haven't had my cellphone.
When I get my cellphone and check my messages, I will call you.
It was good to see you, though.
Take care.
It's just wrong.
You can't treat people like that.
You have to tell Shane that that's just not right.
OK, I'll tell her.
- Hi.
- Welcome.
Everyone, I want you to meet our neighbours.
- This is Tim.
- And this must be - Jenny.
- Nice to meet you.
- Alice Pieszecki and Shane McCutcheon.
- Nice to meet you.
- Excuse me.
Are you Dana Fairbanks? - I'm sorry, what? - Dana Fairbanks? - Yes, I am.
- I'm a huge fan.
- Really? I saw you almost beat Capriati at the Women's Invitational.
- Great.
She's gonna be insufferable.
- It's just one fan.
This is Dana Fairbanks.
- Hi.
- She's one of the best players on the circuit.
This is my doubles partner Harrison Landy.
(forcedly) Honey, this is Tim.
Tim and Jenny.
- Hi, Jenny.
- Nice to meet you.
- What are you doing? - Field research.
There's this scientist who says if your ring finger is longer than your index finger it means you're a lesbian.
- Totally gay.
- Was there ever any doubt? - Oh, I'm gay too.
- Thank God.
Otherwise I'd have to leave you.
OK, Alice makes the team but barely.
This may be controversial but it seems like I might be a lesbian too.
That's so weird.
Her index and ring fingers are exactly the same length.
- What does that mean? - Maybe she's bisexual.
- Could you get Tim and Jenny a drink for me? - Yeah, sure.
Uh, drinks, kitchen? Do you play tennis? I'm always looking for action.
- OK, drinks! - Actually I'm a swim coach.
Oh.
According to our computer, this licence was revoked six months ago.
That's what I would call a technicality.
If you wanna get technical, I should throw you in jail.
I was going to the Roxy.
Ivan Neville's on the bill with me.
We were gonna check out an AA meeting together.
Ivan of the Neville Brothers? - Yeah.
- God, I love the Neville Brothers.
Have you seen them in concert? Once.
Years ago, when I was stationed in New Orleans.
Oh! Well, have you ever been on stage, five feet away from Aaron and his brothers performing? Say, like a a month from now at the House Of Blues I could hook you up.
All right.
This is still revoked, all right? We have to leave the car.
(pumping bass line) (woman) They were too masculine for me.
(2nd woman) I like that.
It's kinda sexy.
Wow.
This is a very interesting party.
That's because Bette's a big art-world lady.
There are a lot of artists.
- And a lot of - Lezzies? Really? I hadn't noticed that.
It's kinda hard to miss.
Tina said she and Bette are thinking of having a baby.
Oh, there's a lot of that going around.
(laughs) They even had to change that famous joke.
It used to be what do lesbians bring on a second date? A moving van.
Now it's what do lesbians bring on a second date? A turkey baster! That's so funny! Honey, I don't even know why you'd know that joke.
Who's he been hanging out with, huh? Excuse me.
- Commitment.
- Excuse me.
What were you thinking? Excuse me, Simon.
What was I thinking what? Inviting those geeky straight people.
Sorry, no offence.
- I've got to hang on Harrison like a fat hetero.
- Excuse me, Dana.
It's not our cross to bear that you and Harrison decided to masquerade as Ozzie and Harriet.
OK? Sorry, Simon.
What was I saying? Oh, right.
Commitment.
We wouldn't expect any kind of commitment from you, financial or otherwise.
You wouldn't even have to know the child if Although we would like it if our donor had a relationship with our child.
But you'd have to sign a contract relinquishing parental rights.
Whoa, Bette, Tina slow down.
- I don't want you to waste your breath.
- What? I'm flattered.
I'm totally flattered.
But I just couldn't handle it.
What happens when this kid turns 17, his life's a complete mess, hates your guts? Next thing he's camped on my doorstep asking me to save him from his miserable fucking life.
I can't do that.
Fine.
Best first fiction? Yes.
- Wow.
Isn't that, like, a major prize? - Um, I guess so.
So, um, what's the story about? I have this character that I write about that's sort of like this alter-ego, but not really.
Um, and the story is called Thus Spoke Sarah Shuster.
That's pretty bold.
I hope you're good.
Jenny, this is Marina.
She owns The Planet.
- It's a cafe on Santa Monica.
- I walked by the other day.
It was really crowded so I didn't go in.
It gets really crowded.
Thanks to Alice, who wrote me up in her magazine.
- Are you a writer? - For LA Magazine.
More of a journalist.
A little different from you.
- It's not different.
- Jenny won a literary prize.
Really big.
For the story she was just talking about, Just Spoke? Thus Spoke Zarathustra.
It's a Nietzsche reference.
Has your story been published? Yes.
It'll be in the next Best American Short Stories, right? - I write a lot of Best Of pieces.
- Oh, OK.
That's where I discovered Amy Bloom.
I read this beautiful short story she wrote called Silver Water.
Come To Me.
That's one of my favourite collections.
I think I've probably read everything that Amy Bloom has ever written.
I am about to start on this Best Cosmetics Under $100.
There's supposedly this guy in Calabasas who does botox injections for 75 bucks a pop.
- Isn't that illegal? - Have you read anything by Anne Carson? Yeah.
Autobiography of Red, Eros the Bittersweet I think those books practically changed my life.
What about you? Have you read them? Yes.
Wow! You guys should totally take the Cosmo romance compatibility quiz.
Well, this would be my singular romantic compatibility question.
What is your favourite? No, no, no.
Your most influential, important, life-altering book of all time.
I don't know if I wanna answer that.
- What's yours? - I asked you first.
I have an idea.
Jenny, whisper yours in this ear and Marina, whisper yours in this ear.
I'll tell you if you're compatible.
But I think I already know.
Whatever.
I'm just going to leave you two alone to get married.
What did you say? What did you say? Bette wanted an artist, but she says you have exquisite taste in the work you show.
- I do.
- Aw.
You said that? I gotta say, I couldn't be more flattered.
You'll be wonderful mothers and you'll have guys lining up to jerk off for you.
Are you setting us up for a turndown? It's nothing to do with you guys.
It's my own genetic shortcomings which I wouldn't wanna pass on to any child.
Look how bow-legged I am.
It's a family trait.
Cute.
We can live with that.
I carry the gene for buck teeth.
My mother and sisters There are always braces.
We also have a propensity for shingles, early-onset manic depression.
Both treatable.
Premature hair loss.
Among the women, it's - We could get - A weave.
Also a hideous tendency to drool.
- OK.
- We get the picture.
- OK.
- Yep.
- Thank you.
- Thanks.
Sure.
Sorry.
Good luck.
I'm really sorry you missed your gig.
- You know what to do about your car? - Yeah.
Yeah, don't go beating yourself up over it.
You are one decent human being and that's rare in this soulless town.
Keep it real.
All right.
(Alice) No way! Come here, girl.
What's up? - How you doing? - Welcome.
Yeah, thanks, girl.
Hey.
- There you are.
- I'm just waiting for the washroom.
Do you wanna use? - You were on the Olympic swimming team? - Yeah.
Amazing.
I have a project in development about competitive swimming but hadn't been able to crack the story.
Would you be interested? There is one dramatic thing that happened.
When I was swimming for U of Chicago we had one guy on the team who Take me home.
- Jen, meet - Take me home now.
- Excuse me.
- Sure.
I, um Obviously, I have to go.
- It was good talking to you.
- You too.
Thank you.
Is your sister the coolest person on Earth? What's Kit doing here? Your guess is as good as mine.
(loud music pumping through walls) I was in the middle of a conversation.
What's going on? - I felt weird.
- That's pretty vague, even for you.
You felt weird? Wait Jen, come on We need to talk.
Jen, what are you doing? Jen Are you gonna tell me why you're not at the Roxy? - There was something I came to tell you.
- You never told me Kit Porter was your sister.
Wow.
- Half sister.
- Guess which half.
That is extremely cool.
Jeremy Block.
I said hi earlier.
I saw you play at the Hollywood Roosevelt.
You were awesome.
- You're very kind.
- We're putting together this movie soundtrack.
We're working with classic jazz and blues ladies and he'll completely dig you.
I was getting into something with my baby sister.
It can wait.
I've got a house full of people.
Come on.
Party's in the back room at Les Deux.
- Are you sure? - It's a potential gig.
You should go.
OK.
(yawns) What an ego bruiser.
Three turndowns in one night.
- Is there something wrong with our pitch? - It has nothing to do with you guys.
It's the new male.
What? What do you know about men? The new male is more spiritual.
He sees his sperm as an extension of his inner being.
The old male shot into any female without thinking about what would happen.
The new male totally cares what becomes of his seed.
- Oh, my God, it's Yoda.
- They teach that at hairdresser school.
Great.
Why do they have to go sensitive on us just when we need them to keep on being assholes? I don't know.
- We're gonna go.
- Oh.
Good night, you guys.
Good night.
Good night, Shane.
She's totally going home with that girl.
Get off me! The party's over.
We can go back to being gay.
I gotta go.
You guys need help cleaning up? - We got it.
- Sonia's coming in tomorrow.
- Good night, you guys.
- Good night.
Thank you so much.
Have a good night.
(she groans) Oh, shit.
- How long have you been out here? - Um.
I couldn't sleep last night.
And you were totally out.
Well, somebody wore me out.
I came out here .
.
around three o'clock in the morning.
And then I just started to write.
And that was so scary.
It's a whole new place, Jen.
Just gonna take you a while to find your groove.
Yeah.
You know you never told me why you were so upset.
Um 'Cause I was just a little drunk.
I hope I didn't ruin your night.
No, I think it turned out pretty well.
- Don't you think? - Yeah.
OK, let's get those butts out of the saddle and get on the road.
That fucking party made me so depressed.
We have to wait a whole month before another insemination.
At least you have somebody to wait with.
At least there's somebody next to you when you wake up.
Now, everyone, drop your heads, close your eyes and set your intentions.
Why are you here? To gossip with your friends? Or change your body? What do you wanna get out of the next forty minutes? - A look at your spectacular tits.
- Go for it.
- No.
Besides, she's straight.
- How do you know? Because I'm so attracted to her.
If I'm attracted to somebody, she's either unavailable or straight.
Dana! - Jenny! - Hey.
- Are you here by yourself? - Yeah, I am by myself.
- I'm gonna go home and make a sandwich.
- We've got a table.
- Come sit with us.
- OK.
This instructor recommended this workshop called All Write.
W-R-I-T-E.
And this instructor does this thing called Body Work to help you get in touch with your inner voice.
Which I thought was weird.
I mean, hey! Check out my magazine.
We sometimes do resource lists for the creative community.
- Oh, OK.
- Or UCLA might be your best bet.
No, I don't wanna go back to school.
- What's the name? - Marina has a reading group.
- You guys met the other night.
- Hi, Jenny.
So, how do you like The Planet? It's beautiful.
It's nice.
- You wanna come to my reading group? - Yes.
- Then I can read one of your stories.
- You can read anything you want.
You know, anything.
Oh, shit.
Oh, God, it's late.
I'm starting a new tour.
I should go practise.
- OK.
- I'm gonna follow you guys out.
- Jenny, good luck.
- Yes, thank you.
- You've found what you were looking for.
- Bye, Alice.
- Good to see you.
You'll be OK? - Yeah.
Of course she's OK.
- You're OK, right? - I'm good.
I'm good.
Uh - I hope I didn't upset you.
- No.
You didn't upset me.
I just, uh, came here to say that I'm not - I'm not - A big coffee-drinker? I have to go.
I have to go.
Tim is gonna be home at five.
So It It's only two.
- So, I - Don't be upset.
It's only two o'clock.
I know, but I need to be there, when he calls.
OK? - OK.
- OK.
I'll walk you to your car.
OK.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
- Thank you.
- For what? Turning you into a speed freak? - Is this your car? - Yes.
I mean This is Tim's car.
It's embarrassing.
A muscle car.
It's sexy.
Are you busy tomorrow night? Do you wanna come to Radar? What's Radar? It's a special night here on Tuesdays.
Right.
Um No, thank you.
OK.
- Call me if you change your mind.
- OK.
I could do this, yes.
You have no problem with the concept of bringing a child into the world and having no say as to how he or she is raised? I must have children all over.
Why would I have a problem with this one? I will sign your donor's contract now.
Jean-Paul, I don't mean to be rude, but do you have any medical problems, any history of family illnesses or The health is excellent in my family.
You say you're comfortable with this but think about it for a minute.
Where is this contract? When do we do this? Uh, when Tina's next ovulating.
You want to do this in my bed? Or you want me to come to you? Uh Wherever you want.
Uh we'll give you a sterile cup.
Or if you need your privacy, I can come back later and pick it up.
Cup? What is this cup? Oh, it's a specimen cup.
You ejaculate into it.
We don't do it that way.
We do as a man and a woman.
Jean-Paul, I'm sorry, I just thought you understood that Do you want it to be all three? Fine.
It's your baby too.
- No.
- Just me and her.
Bon.
Jean-Paul, not only are we monogamous, we don't sleep with men.
- But to have a baby there is no other way.
- It's not an option for us.
For me it is the only option.
An obligation.
I could not bring a baby into this world that is not conceived through the passionate (grunts) between a man and a woman.
Hey, the penis, the pussy, the baby.
- (laughter) - You can't be serious.
Ze penis, ze pussy, ze baby?! Oh, God, I swear - Come on, Tee, it's funny.
- I'm sorry.
I don't find it funny.
Try.
It's important to have a sense of humour.
I guess you gotta take care of that for the both of us.
Why are you doing this? What? What am I doing? We've got Mary and Trish and I think - Hey, Randy.
- Hey.
Wow.
You look amazing.
- Thanks.
- Damn.
- I'm gonna ditch Randy and take you out.
- Do you wanna come? We got a shitload of work to do.
But you do look great.
Thank you.
- I'm not gonna be late.
- OK.
OK.
Goodbye.
- Bye, Randy.
- Good night.
Where's she off to, all dolled up? Oh, The Planet.
They're having some kind of special party or something.
- You're letting her go alone? - I'm making her go.
She doesn't know that many people.
She's kind of a recluse.
Uh Hi.
- Hello, Jenny.
- Uh - It's all women.
- The Radar is a women's party.
- That's what I mean.
What do you think? - Hot.
So hot! - Hi.
- Hi, Jenny.
- I didn't know you were coming tonight.
- Marina invited me.
I thought she'd like Radar.
Thank you.
Bette's sister Kit does a poetry night.
I think you'd enjoy it.
Where's Bette? - She's at work.
- They're still fighting.
- God, there are so many hot girls here.
- (whistles) - Hi.
- Hi.
- How are you? - Good.
- I'm gonna play pool, so see you all later.
- Bye.
- You shoulda hit on her when we came in.
- I don't get it.
- What does Shane have that I don't? - Attitude.
- I've got attitude.
- It's because she's withholding.
It's because she's confident.
No, it's because she's stupid, too dumb to be insecure.
- Dana? She's your friend.
- It's confidence.
I'm telling you.
- It's because of her nipples.
- What? - She has the best nipples in town and knows it.
- You're so right.
- (Harrison) They are nice.
- They're small and perfectly formed.
I wonder if I could sell a story on LA's best nipples.
That's a good one.
I'm gonna wander around for a bit.
- Are you all right? - Yeah, I'm good.
Hi there.
No thank you.
The total is 77.
83.
So I give you the card.
Here.
Oh, and I do this.
Um And then you have to sign it.
- Thank you.
Have a nice day.
- Thanks, guys.
- What do I do with this? - I'll take it.
So do you like living in this neighbourhood? I don't know.
It's OK.
You don't mind that there are a lot of homos and stuff around? - What? - Don't get me wrong, they seem pretty cool but aren't they always checking out your boyfriend and stuff? - No.
- (cough) Customer.
- Oh, my God.
- Page me if you need me.
I wanna see you check me out.
OK.
I'm sorry about last night.
I should've I shouldn't have left like that.
I feel really, really silly and I think I freaked out.
Not because it was it was a gay bar, but because I had absolutely no idea what I was doing there.
OK, the total is 54.
05.
I hope they overpay their employees as much as they overcharge their customers.
Do you wanna come to my reading group? It's one week from Monday.
I don't know.
I have to check with Tim.
There you go.
Um Marina.
Is your reading group a gay group? No.
There are straight people.
You look cute with the little apron on.
Oh.
Yes.
OK.
I'm sorry.
We get together once a month.
Five couples, $50's our limit.
Jenny and I belonged to a game in Chicago.
She's not a very good cheater.
(gasps) I am not a cheater.
I am not a cheater.
Tim likes to say that I'm a cheater because Tim is always losing.
Come on, that's not true.
Not never, anyway.
Once I went out up three whole dollars.
You should come tomorrow night.
We can always make room for another couple.
Cool.
What time do you guys start? Um, I can't.
I have that book club thing.
Call and cancel.
This will be fun.
Maybe we can become regular - I committed.
- So uncommit.
- What's the big deal? - 'Cause, um It's only once a month and I've been looking forward to it.
- God, you really want me to cancel? - No.
Go on.
Uh, we won't be able to make it.
- Just keep us in mind, though.
- Sure, man.
Hey.
I thought you were hanging the show.
Annie's got it under control.
I thought we could spend the evening together.
I need exercise.
I'm feeling a little tense.
Fine.
I guess I shoulda called first.
Yeah.
I can't believe that Carolyn See is in the group.
I know.
Great mind.
Such a turn-on.
I'm so happy that I came.
I feel very inspired tonight.
Good.
That's what it's all about.
Maybe next time you'll read one of yours.
- No! - Why not? - Because - You don't have to do anything you don't want.
Tina.
What are you doing here? I'm just exorcising some demons.
- You look really good.
- I do? Yeah.
You're getting great definition right here.
Your latissimus dorsi, really starting to pop.
- Are you getting a good stretch in your hips? - I gotta go.
Um Bette came home just to be with me.
I don't know what I was thinking.
Tina.
I'm starting to see some private clients very selectively.
- Let me know if you're interested.
- Yeah! I will.
- Good night.
- Good night.
I had a really great time.
Good.
I'm glad.
Have sweet dreams.
Look, if you wanna go back to Dan Foxworthy, that's fine.
I'll make an appointment.
Tell me when you're free.
Just make the appointment and tell me when it is.
Tomorrow at 3.
15.
I was gonna see him by myself but I'd rather you come with me.
To Jenny being in LA.
Cheers.
I'm so glad you're here.
I missed you a lot.
I've missed you too.
- Aren't they cute? - Mm.
Adorable.
All right, all right.
Let's order.
Are you guys still fighting? Just grill it.
My wife doesn't think I need all that breading.
You don't.
He doesn't.
You're getting a paunch.
Oh! Hey, look who's here! - Hi.
- (Randy) Man.
That girl is so hot.
She doesn't look gay.
- Randy! - What? - Marina's not gay, is she? - No idea.
If she is, she's with that blonde with the cute haircut.
You think she's cute? I didn't say I wanted to sleep with her.
I like the one who looks like a rock star.
If I had to be with a woman, she'd be my type.
I have to use the bathroom.
- Wine's not bad.
- (Randy) It's nice.
What are you doing here? - The same thing you're doing, I imagine.
- Well, I'm finding it very distracting.
Do you? (toilet flushes) I'd like to see you again.
Stop it.
I have to go.
Hey.
Stopped at The Planet and got you a coffee.
"She drifted across the expanse, lifted the first veil" (sighs) I'm sorry.
What's going on? I'm just a little tense.
You go off to school every day and have your whole deal worked out.
Um I'm not quite sure what I'm doing in LA.
I thought you were doing well.
I mean, you're writing.
You're working, a job that you wanted.
You even made some friends.
I just feel like it's kind of a little scary right now.
I'm feeling a bit, um, overwhelmed.
Don't take it out on me.
- I'm not the enemy.
- I know.
I know.
You couldn't be more supportive of me.
(phone rings) You wanna get that? Hello.
Hi.
Uh, yeah.
How are you? Oh, OK.
Yes, no problem.
OK.
OK.
Bye.
Um, that was That was Marina.
We're gonna have dinner on Saturday night.
We don't have plans, do we? If we do, I can reschedule.
No, go ahead.
It's fine.
We were just gonna get together and talk about the book club.
I should call her back and say that you and I need to spend some time together.
Jenny, I have that basketball game with the department head Saturday night.
Go, have dinner with Marina.
That's fine.
OK.
Thank you.
(Tina) She said she was coming.
It was kinda last minute, though.
- You think she might not be showing up? - I don't know.
Maybe we should spend a little time talking about you.
I'm sorry I'm late, but I have a really good excuse.
So don't make this easy on me.
- I have found the perfect donor.
- Who? Marcus Allenwood.
He's an artist just selected for the next Whitney Biennial.
- We had a serious conversation.
- But I've never met him.
No, but I know what we're looking for.
He's perfect He has a kid, so can get someone pregnant.
I never met him.
You will meet him tomorrow.
He's coming by the house at 11 and you're taking him to the cryobank.
He's leaving the next day for Cologne.
He's in a group show.
Tee, he's willing to do this for us to have the sperm on ice for when you're next ovulating.
It'll be there when we wanna use it.
- M Marcus? - Tina, right? (laughs nervously) Um I have to get something out of the bedroom, and, uh have a seat.
- And then we'll go to the cryobank.
- OK.
Fuck.
Ready? Tina, did Bette not tell you I was black? No, not at all.
But she didn't not tell me because it doesn't matter either way.
- Right? - I can't answer that.
No.
- Um, OK.
Are you ready to go? - Let's do it.
Hi.
I'm Tina Kennard and I'm here with my friend.
He's here to make a deposit.
- Marcus, right? - That's right.
- It says here you've been HIV-tested.
- I have my paperwork.
Here's all you need.
The bathroom is down the hall.
There are magazines if you need any encouragement.
(laughs) I'll be right back.
Wow.
That's a pretty serious decision to make.
- Isn't it? - You must have given it a lot of thought.
'Cause really big men like that tend to make really big babies.
You'd probably be looking at a C-section.
Hi.
- What's up? - Hey.
She's, uh She's in the back.
- Bye.
- Bye.
See ya.
See you later.
Bye.
What's going on? What are you doing here? I got this vague but urgent message from Alice.
Great.
You put me in a fucking awkward position.
How could you not tell me Marcus is black? God.
I I don't know.
I guess I should have.
I didn't think it would be a problem to use a black donor.
But I didn't say I didn't want a black donor.
I just think we should have discussed it.
We absolutely discussed it, Tina.
In the beginning, we said if you were the birth mother, we should consider finding an African-American donor.
That way the child would be more like our child.
But I wasn't prepared.
I don't understand.
Other than being committed to spending the rest of your life with me, what more do you need to do to prepare? Look at me, Bette.
I don't feel qualified to be the mother of a child who's half African-American.
I don't know what it means to be black.
I can contribute in that department.
Don't you think on top of everything else, to also have two moms, that is a lot of otherness to put on one child? Your reaction to Marcus Allenwood, however honest it might have been, comes across to Bette like a rejection of her identity.
I love Bette.
I love who she is.
I - I wasn't ready for how I'd react.
- You know what that says to me? That we're not ready to have children? "Because Sarah Shuster came down and now she reviles you like you revile your own craving.
" What do you think? You scare me sometimes.
I see you going right to that edge.
And I think I've lost you.
And then you come back I know why you have to disappear on me like that.
I'm so fucking proud to have you in my life.
I'm so proud to have you in my life.
Do you know that? There was something I wanted to get this afternoon before my game.
I'm gonna go do that.
(Tina) Mm, I don't know.
What time does Milk start? Why don't you just ask Dana to go? You guys are just gonna have to work that out.
Well, I'm sure Shane's gonna be there.
Yeah, why not? Of course she is.
Oh, really? - Hold on.
Where are you going? - I don't know.
Doesn't the programme start at 7.
30? Yep.
You don't have to come.
Go out with Alice and Shane if you want.
Shit.
You know what, I can't go.
Bette's giving an art talk at the CAC.
Yeah.
No.
All right.
Have fun.
Bye.
She's not looking at a black or white woman, but looking at the woman she loves.
- She sees what she wants to see.
- Or what you let her see.
Maybe this wasn't important before, maybe what's worked best for you all these years, getting all your pretty things, putting together your pretty life, is letting people see what they want.
- What are you trying to say? - Nothing.
Just maybe it's been easier for you that way.
That's nice.
That's really nice.
Don't walk out! Oh, come on, girl, don't walk outta here.
I really don't need this right now.
- We gotta stop doing this.
- We? OK, I gotta stop doing it.
I'm the one that ran away.
But don't do that.
Hear me out, because I'm not gonna say what you think I'm gonna say.
There's only one thing that cuts across all our realities.
It's love.
The bridge between all our differences.
And you have so much love in your life.
Why are you trying to turn on that bridge? Why? I don't know.
- So you called Shane, right? - I thought you did.
I told you to call her.
I swear you said you were calling her.
She'll be here.
How do we draw the line that signifies whether an image reads as pornography? Who gets to say what passes as art and what as obscenity? The debate is taken up by Laurie Papou in a series of paintings, A Group Of Seven.
- Please welcome Laurie.
- (applause) Laurie, to what extent is this body of work to be read as a narrative? She's awesome, your girlfriend.
- (Laurie) It's always meant to be a narrative.
- She is, isn't she? Sometimes I forget.
You two are a really beautiful couple.
I mean that.
You're really beautiful.
(Laurie) It's in my subconscious.
Why is it so depressing? It's the same faces night after night, week after week, floating clubs, floating girls.
Oh.
She's cute.
She's been with two of my exes.
Staying out of that vicious cycle.
- (Jenny) It's amazing.
- This is where I come when I can't stand it.
Sometimes when I can't sleep I .
.
lie down here and watch the sun rise.
This is vulgar, I know, but the two of you are so fucking sexy.
No offence.
Uh, it's hard to take offence at that.
Can I get you anything to drink? - I'm good, thanks.
- No, thanks.
I'm fine.
All right.
- Is he? - He's hitting on us.
He is.
God, that hasn't happened in a while.
I have a thought.
- It might be crazy.
- What? I know you're ovulating.
Do you think he's attractive? - Is he a good artist? - Who cares? - What about Dan Foxworthy? - Fuck Dan Foxworthy.
It's our life.
We don't need his permission to do what we think is right.
- And you're OK with this? - I wanna have a baby with you.
If we make it together, that's enough for me to know it's our baby.
- OK.
Yeah? - Yeah? - You're sure? - Yeah.
She looks like she's been around the block a few times.
What's wrong with that? Ooh, ooh, ooh.
Now, she's cute.
I haven't seen her before.
Is it possible? - Fresh meat.
- New blood.
Cris-py.
Uh-uh.
Just look at me, OK? (Kinnie Starr singing "Sun Again") I'll be the sun I'll be the sun I'll be the sun I'll be the sun I'll be the sun I'll be the sun again I'll be the sun again I'll be the sun again I'll be the I'll be the sun again I'll be the sun again I'll be the sun again I'll be the And when I wake, when I wake Will I creep into daylight? Will I creep into daylight? Or will I hover like a wind? Or will I hover like a wind? Oh, oh! I'll be the, I'll be the I'll be the, I'll be the I'll be the, I'll be the I will touch the, the, the - I will be the sun - I will be the, I will be the I will touch the, I will touch the We will touch the, touch the, touch the The point of our commune with nature All these pretensions will be set aside, aside I'll be the sun again I'll be the sun again (Mr Airplane Man singing "How Long?") Tina, why don't you make Bette wet? Who knows how long I have been waiting for love? The ivy climbs Up round my heart Through the hours and the days Finding a way Through the hours and the days It'd be nice if you made love to Tina while I'm making love to you.
It's not gonna happen that way.
How is it gonna happen? I think you should make love to Tina while Tina makes love to me.
OK.
That's cool.
Why don't you two lie down? What's that? - What? - In your hand? It's a condom.
Otherwise known as a rubber.
What are you doing with it? Some would say I'm being considerate.
We don't want you to use it.
- Why? - You don't have to.
We just don't, OK? Man.
That's great.
Why do dykes only want sex with a guy to steal his sperm? It ain't happening, guys.
Fading away through the hours and the days Fading away through the hours and the days - Bye, guys.
- See ya.
- I'll give you a call later.
- Yeah.
Want to come to my place? Oh, please! I am not that desperate.
Fuck you, Alice.
Neither am I.
Dana, I just don't wanna be one of those people who sleeps with their friends.
- Neither do I.
- Right, well, let's not have sex.
- No, never.
- OK? That was really crazy.
No, I thought it was a genius plan.
You did? Yeah.
(sighs) Were you turned on by him? No.
(gasps) This is you.
(Tim) Jenny, is that you? I'm coming.
(whispers) OK.
You smell different.
What is it? Um It's a new perfume.
(sniffs) I like the old one better.
OK, all right.
Let's do you.
Come here.
It'll be fun.
- I haven't put you on it.
- This is ridiculous.
I only slept with two girls.
And I swear if you repeat that I will have to kill you.
Don't worry.
Your reputation as a stud is safe with me.
- OK.
- OK.
So - Oh, God! (coughs) - OK.
Name names.
OK, the counsellor at tennis camp when I was 15.
- Which you know about.
- Mm-hm.
Name? - She's famous.
I can't tell you her name.
- Oh, God.
Ralph, I'll call her Ralph.
Now, second name.
- Melanie.
- Mel? I knew it! I always - I told you about that.
- No, you didn't, but OK.
Let's see how many people it takes to link you and me.
- Whatever.
That's impossible.
- Mm.
OK.
- Melanie slept with Heather.
- OK.
Heather slept with Brooke.
- Heather slept with Brooke? - Yes.
Brooke slept with Nina.
- And I slept with Nina.
- Wow, yeah.
So four.
That is how many people it takes to link us.
- OK.
So you and Tina - Well, that's easy.
- One.
- OK.
- Bette.
- OK.
Ooh, ooh! I have a good one.
Here.
Check it out.
Really good.
Now, she - She leads us straight back to Shane.
- Oh, God.
- Shane can have us here all night.
- It's like this whole crazy, tiny, little world.
Mm.
Crazy, yes.
But not tiny.
(Mr Airplane Man singing "Up In The Room") I wanna touch you, baby Up in the room Up in the room Up in the room I wanna play on Feels so good When we're gone Just me and you Up in the room Up in the room I'm so lucky to have you.
And the lights are blue The perfect song I'm just crazy about you Come here.
(Tim) Jen? Jen, you awake? (whispers) Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Jen? Breakfast is ready.
- Hey.
- Hey! What are you doing up this early? - Going home.
- From? - Never mind.
- Yeah.
You totally just got laid, didn't you? You see, that gives me hope.
'Cause I love knowing that two people who've been together so long can still make each other that happy.
Yeah.
Anyway, have a good morning.
OK, I'm gonna go.
OK.
Bye, guys.
You be good.
I'm gonna try.
See ya.
There's still a little bit of your taste In my mouth Still a little bit of you laced With my doubt It's still a little hard to say What's going on There's still a little bit of your ghost Your weakness There's still a little bit of your face I haven't kissed You stoop a little closer each day Yet I can't say what's going on Stones Taught me to fly Love It taught me to lie Life It taught me to die So it's not hard to fall When you float like a cannonball