The L Word s01e02 Episode Script

Let's do it

They're random acts of sex.
O? They're encounters, romances, one-night stands, twenty-year marriages.
Anytime you get a group of gay girls together, you are guaranteed someone slept with someone else.
Who has slept with someone else, who slept with someone else, and on and on.
Name any lesbian you know.
I can link her to me in like six moves.
- Christine Lee.
- Christine Lee.
Easy.
Alright.
Let me think about this.
Okay.
She was with Grace Partridge, couple years ago.
Grace had a one-night thing with Anya then Anya dated Denise who lived with Katherine Claymore who was my first girlfriend out of college.
It's amazing, right? Alright, Marc, it's not just about lesbians.
It's I could put you on this thing.
- And, probably like six connections, easy.
I mean, one if you slept with Anya.
- So? So? So the point is we're all connected! See? Through love, through loneliness, through one tiny, lamentable lapse in judgment.
All of us.
In our isolation.
We reach out! From the darkness! From the alienation of modern life.
To form these connections.
I think it's a really profound statement about the nature of human existence.
Alright.
I I could just do a piece on vaginal rejuvenation.
Now that I like.
Great.
Let's do it.
Guess what? I'm all nice and clean, are you gonna get me sweaty and stinky? No.
But later for sure.
When we do the insemination.
You and me.
Tonight, here at home.
Sexy in love, with no doctors no fluorescent lights, no paper gowns do you want to? Oh, I want to, but last time I checked, you really needed sperm to make it worthwhile.
I'm going to the cryobank this afternoon.
For Marcus' sperm? Yes.
I don't know what I was thinking.
I there's no reason on earth that I wouldn't want to make a baby with you using a donor who's black.
I think I think I was really Don't think.
'Cause I would love to make a baby with you.
Tonight.
In our home.
In our bed.
Just you and me.
Tim can I, can I talk to you? Right now babe? Really gotta get going.
The girls are already in the water.
God, you should've seen Trish yesterday.
She was on fire, and Mary If I could just keep them right in that zone we're absolutely going to ream SC on Saturday.
Go team.
You bet your sweet ass.
Wait, wait, wait, hold on, hold on! So when am I gonna see you again? - Um, I'll I'll be at Milk on Thursday.
- Okay! I'll see you there.
You just had something.
Yeah? Thanks.
- I'll see ya later.
- Okay! Bye, baby.
Hey, what are you doing? Yeah, let's get together.
Alright.
See you soon.
Yeah.
Good.
Higher, higher, higher, higher.
No, I'm uh, talking to Dana.
Okay, how much time do I have? Okay, then I guess it's going to be, like, ten minutes, alright? I'll gotta call you back.
Okay.
Bye.
How we take a break, you get a light snack, and we come back, we work on those legs of yours.
Alright? Okay, what like 45 minutes, what? 45 minutes.
Great.
Ok? 45 minutes, yeah okay.
Reviva.
Who is it? Uhh yeah, uh Alice Peters, I have an appointment.
I don't understand.
What do you want? I have an appointment.
For what? What do you want? Alright, I need to get my vagina rejuvenated! Well, why didn't you just say so? I'm just Um, hi, um, Alice Peters.
Alice! Gabby! Don't do it, Alice, I mean the recovery is supposed to be hell! Can you tell the doctor I'm here? Alice! What?! I behaved badly and I'm sorry, I I was an asshole, I know that.
I freaked out.
I was really intense, and I wasn't ready for it.
But I still have feelings for you.
I mean, I think about you all the time.
You look great.
- Look, I am not doing this again, Gabby! - Please! - Let me try again, I mean, can't we just have lunch? - No! Just lunch.
I'll prove to you how much I've changed.
Say yes, Alice.
Just say yes.
Hello, Reviva.
Let me check the books.
Okay, what about Tuesday the 23rd, around 3:00? 3:00? He's got a whole hour there.
Okay, um, I'm afraid they're not until two weeks later, actually.
On the Thursday at 10:00 a.
m.
Would that be good for you? Great, great.
I'll put you in.
- I didn't order that.
- I know.
They're from her.
Lara Perkins, our sous-chef.
Soup chef? Yeah.
Right.
Hi Jenny.
It's Marina.
I was thinking about you.
"It washed up on the beach in Santa Monica, a swollen, tangled mass in seaweed.
A jogger stepped, hovered, poked at it with her toe.
Sarah Schuster's body flopped back, her still-limpid eyes staring up at the sky.
" You are so busted over and a day! Busted, bitch! - Please, Lacey, stop.
- You can just kiss your little 4-F's goodbye! Whoa, whoa, whoa! What are you talking about? The 4-F's! She finds 'em, feels 'em, fucks 'em and forgets 'em! But I'm gonna tell the whole world who you are! Hey! What's she doing?! You are so fucked for kicking me out! Calm down, figure it out somewhere else! And keep it away from my friends and my business! You'll see, Shane! I'll return later.
Alright, what's up with Jenny and Marina? - Nothing, as far as I know.
- What, what's going on with Jenny and Marina? Look, guys, it's none of our business, just let it go.
- I thought Jenny was straight.
- Dana, most girls are straight until they're not.
And then sometimes they're gay 'til they're not.
True, but there are also the ones that never look back.
Right? And you can spot them coming a mile away.
How can you tell? You read the signals.
- That's my problem.
- Dana, it's not the problem.
Alright? No.
Sexuality is fluid, whether you're gay or you're straight or you're bisexual, you just go with the flow.
No, no, no.
That is my problem, okay? I can't feel the flow.
That thing, whatever it is, I don't got it.
- You don't have gaydar.
- No.
You're so right, you don't have it! No, everyone's got it you just have to tune in.
Yes.
I'm gonna prove it.
See that girl who just came in? - Okay.
- What is she? A customer? - I don't know! - Dana, look at her fingernails, are they long or short? - Are they polished or natural?- They're long and polished.
So, she's - Leaning to straight, but we still need more info.
- Look at the shoes.
High-heeled sandals.
With tapered jeans.
Would you wear high-heeled sandals with tapered jeans? - Yes? - No.
Oh God! Look, I've only ever seen her in her chef's uniform.
Dana, I doubt that woman's a chef.
No, no, no.
She's got a thing for a chef.
I do.
Dana, I'm impressed, you're into someone and you want to know whether or not they're down.
- She's down? - Whether she plays for our team.
The gay team.
Wait don't the bisexuals have their own team? Alright.
I'm gonna help you, even though you're extremely annoying.
Do you know the name of this girl, first and last? Yes, I do.
- Alright.
You know the chart? - Yeah.
- Okay.
I put it on the internet - You what? Alright, don't freak.
It's really cool.
This thing is growing.
People are adding names.
- And it's, like, growing exponentially.
- That's great, Alice, I love the sound of that one.
"The cold, clammy wind blew.
Sara's coffin was lowered into the ruddy, damp earth.
" I was thinking about you.
Hi Jenny.
It's Marina.
I was thinking about you.
I was thinking about you.
End of final message.
Press erase again to erase all messages.
No messages.
To us.
To our future.
To Marcus Allenwood's unbelievably high sperm count.
It's fascinating.
It's very clear pink.
Sean's was kind of greenish.
More viscous.
No, don't be grossed out.
We have to honor it.
We honor you.
We honor you.
All 75 million of you.
Do we have everything we need let's see Syringe.
Diaphragm.
Magical juice.
Magic juice.
Let's do it.
Yeah, let's do it.
Look at that, I'm the center of the universe.
You're a major hub.
I mean, there's one other girl, Mary O'Reilly who dated this lesbian porn star.
- Yeah? - She has a crazier matrix than you.
Oh, there's a, um there's a dotted line There's a dotted line between you and Gabby Devaux.
No.
There isn't.
I ran into her the other day.
Okay? I was doing research on my vaginal rejuvenation story, she was a Reviva receptionist And she thought I was there for the surgery.
And she was like, 'But Alice, your pussy's tight.
' Y'know? Like, 'why're you here?' She looked good.
It's funny.
Didn't she treat you like shit, Al? Worse than that.
Al, I swear I will kill you if you get back together with her.
Okay.
Shane, I'm not going to get back together with her.
Ok? - It's not gonna happen.
Alright? - No.
I'm serious.
- Alright.
What's the name of your little cook? - Uh, Lara Perkins.
L-A-R-A.
- She's, uh she's the soup chef.
- A sous-chef? Like an assistant chef? - Oh, yeah.
- Sous-chef.
Yeah, yeah, that's totally what she is.
Yeah.
- Okay.
Well, I might as well start with Shane.
- Why must you do that? Chances are, if she's into girls, y'know - Look it Dane? It totally wouldn't have meant anything.
- Oh, that's comforting, thanks.
- She's not on it.
- What does that mean? I did a I did a whole search.
Well, it means she didn't sleep with Shane which is good, but she didn't sleep with anyone.
- How long do I have to stay this way? - Do you want to try putting the diaphragm in again? Ooh.
God, that's disgusting.
I've really got to tell Sonya to clean under there.
Do we forget something? Noo.
Hi, were you sleeping? - Not exactly.
- Yeah, we tried to call but no one answered.
So the logical conclusion was just to come over? No, uh, it's an emergency, y'know, started as a gaydar thing, Shane and I are totally capable of handling that, but this one has major relationship stuff.
- Yeah, I think at this point she needs expert advice.
- I am so embarrassed.
I am sorry.
- It's okay Dana.
We were finished.
- Oh, my God Where is she? Oh, hey! Hey.
What is this? - Marcus Allenwood.
- Oh, God! Shit! Okay! Alright! Alright! - That is disgusting.
- Oh my God, get it off, get it off! Okay! Okay! You're not going to get pregnant through your sweater! Thanks, I know.
Alright, I got it.
I'll get it.
- Wait.
So, we could be here at the moment of conception.
- You could.
Yes.
- Well then, I'm really sorry.
Would you like us to leave? - That would be too late.
Yeah, why don't you guys just tell us about the emergency? The emergency is Miss Dana is hot for this lil nugget at her country club.
Lara Perkins.
Looked her up on the chart, not on it.
- I just wanna know if she's - If she's gay? - Have you looked at her fingernails? - Not gonna work.
She's a chef.
What kind of dresser is she? Well, she wears this cute little white uniform, sometimes she wears a stripey apron.
Well, what about, um, personal interaction.
I mean, is she flirtatious, does she make a lot of eye contact? Does she touch your hand when she's talking to you? Well, I haven't really talked to her up close yet.
- What, do you guys shout across the room? - No.
Look, I just wanna know I just, before I talk to her, and and make an ass of myself, I just I just wanna know whether or not she's Dana, honey, we can't, you know, possibly make any kind of accurate analysis when you haven't even had a conversation with her.
I mean, we need something to go on.
Well, she sends me food.
She she sends me vegetables on skewers, with, um, with like these perfect little grill marks on them.
And, um, sometimes she sends me these dipping sauces with like no fat or anything else heavy in them, not to mess up my training, you know.
These skewered vegetables Did she come up with them all on her own or did you order them? No, she just sends them.
- But she hasn't spoken to you.
- No.
Ask her out.
No, no, no, Dana cannot do that.
And that's totally understandable.
You don't want to put yourself out there for someone who maybe is just being nice to you, because, you know, you're an important person at the club.
- Exactly.
- Please don't encourage her.
It's okay, Dana.
We are gonna take care of this.
You mean? - I mean.
- What? We are going to deploy a mission to ascertain the disposition and intent of one Miss Lara Perkins.
Hey! What are you doing in here? What? There's nothing in here I haven't seen before, believe me.
Oh, where's the shorts? - The ones you wore yesterday.
- They're in the wash.
Why? They make your ass look better.
Not to worry.
Subaru's interested in more than a good ass.
Subaru? Yeah.
The campaign.
There's gonna be a rep in the stands tomorrow watching you train.
Oh my God.
Oh my God, oh my God! Oh, Jesus.
Honey, can you pump up a little before you hit the court - Alright? I want to see veins popping.
- Okay! - Who busts his balls for you? - You do! - That's right.
- Grr! - Wear the shorts.
- I'll wear the shorts! Oh my God.
Hey! You okay? Uh I'm fine! I'm fine.
That was my agent.
He, uh, he just told me Subaru might want to use me for an ad campaign.
So, uh, they're gonna watch me train tomorrow.
Which is so cool.
That's that's so exciting! Yeah, yeah it is.
It is, kinda.
I mean, you know, I can't mess up.
So.
I'm sure you won't.
Um.
You can turn around, now.
My jacket's back on.
My job is so messy.
I have to change, like, three times a day.
Yeah? You always look nice when I see you.
I mean I mean, you never look dirty.
When I see you.
I gotta go.
I I have to I have to go.
Listen, why don't you come by later? I'll send something down for you.
Okay.
Yeah! - Great.
- Thank you.
- Bye.
- Bye.
Bag.
- Bye.
- Bye.
Hey, Al.
How'd it go? You're not serious.
Maybe it's for the best.
What is? Well, Gabby Devaux stood Alice up.
Yeah.
Nevermind.
Let's go help Dana out, then we can work out your situation.
I am so sorry I'm late.
Yeah.
Yeah, you really are.
Working on my screenplay, lost track of time.
You're a writer, you know how it is.
Can you forgive me? Yeah, um my friends are waiting.
I should probably go.
- Do you have to do everything your friends want you to do? - Alice? We really gotta go.
Oh, yeah.
You do.
- C'mon, Alice.
We gotta go.
- Okay.
Call me.
Alright, guys.
Let's do it! Pretend you don't know us! Dana.
May I sit with you? So which one is she? Wow.
Very nice, Dana.
No! I'm here for you.
I'm here for you.
- It's the redhead.
- It's the cute redhead.
- Kitchen shoes.
Neutral.
- Look at the earrings.
Hoops.
Hard to read.
Oh, quick! Kiss me! God, what are they doing?! Abort.
Alright.
I'll be back.
Alright.
So far, it's neck-and-neck.
Well, she's got some good lezzie points for her walk, - and the way she moves that chopping knife.
- Yeah, but she's way femmy on the coiffure tip.
Yeah, and her reaction to the two of you kissing was split because she didn't freak out which was a good sign, but she hardly paid any attention.
Yeah, but you guys, she's got 9 in the lez column and she only has only 7 in the straight.
Yeah, but the margin of error is plus or minus 5 percentage points.
You know what we have to do.
- Hi.
- I'm sorry? I was just wondering if you had those, uh y'know, those those sweet little figs.
Oh, I know what you mean, I love figs.
Um, unfortunately they're out of season right now.
Oh, they are? Well, then, uh I don't know, I was wondering if you just, I don't know, if you could recommend something else.
I just kinda have that have that craving.
Um well, sometimes we have these champagne truffles for dessert, but, not today.
Um.
That's what all that comes to mind.
And that's it? Yeah, that's it.
Alright then.
Thank you.
I'm sorry, Dana.
It doesn't look good for Miss Lara Perkins.
- Maybe she's a different kind of lesbian.
- Yeah, the straight kind.
Yeah, but, the Shane test pretty much works on every woman.
- You didn't get anything from her? - I got nothin'.
- Oh, honey, there are a lot of other fish in the sea.
- Gay fish.
Oh, my God.
- Who is that? - Shit.
Look, will you get me to your car, please? I don't know, you guys, you're really cutting edge, now.
Lesbian moms.
Biracial child.
We are pretty in, Alice.
Well, you're going to have no trouble getting that kid into the Center for Early Education.
It's gonna be, like, diversity poster child.
Hey! Hi.
Isn't that your neighbor? - You guys think he knows? - Knows what? That his girlfriend's making the team with Marina.
That is ridiculous! Okay.
Alright.
I only repeat what I hear.
So.
- Did Marina tell you? - Marina didn't tell her a thing.
It's what Marina didn't tell me, y'know? Why is it so important for you to believe that everyone is sleeping with everyone else? Because they are.
No, that's just your little fantasy.
Here is a truly radical idea for you to contemplate: Monogamy isn't just hypothetical.
Some people actually do practice it.
Oh.
Right.
Oh, I'll take care of it.
Don't worry.
It's on the house.
- Hey, thank you.
How are you? - I'm good, and you? Where have you been? I haven't seen you and Jenny in a long time.
Yeah I've actually been buried.
We have the biggest competition of the year in two weeks.
She's just been writing.
She hasn't been in at all, huh? Oh, no, not when I was around, no.
You know what? We're having a dinner party tonight, it was just kind of thrown together at the last minute.
You should come.
Well, that's sweet but I have, um, some things to do Seriously.
It'll be fun.
I mean, you're even going to know people there.
Bette and Tina Jenny would love to have you.
Eight o'clock at our house.
You can bring anyone you want.
I see what Jenny sees in you.
Um thanks.
Come.
Bye.
Bye.
Wow.
Three beautiful women all at once? Please, come in.
Hi.
You look great.
Thank you.
Thank you, so much.
Randy Jackson, Carol Gargione.
These are our nextdoor neighbors, this is Bette Porter Tina Kennard and this is Marina - Ferrer.
- Which is exactly why I let her introduce herself.
Now, I got chili in the kitchen.
Jenny just called, she's going to be a little late.
Sorry about that.
Make yourselves at home and I'll, uh - Oh, I'll help you with these.
- Thank you.
Very much.
Subaru loved you.
What? Yeah, you're their girl, you're their A-Number-One tennis playin' babe.
- I got it? - Yeah, you got it.
Yeah.
Done deal.
- They God-damned loved your fucking guts! - I got it?! Who do you love? Who do you love? You! - That's right.
- Oh my God! Alright, you're sweating on me.
You're sweating all over my suit.
Jenny! Hey, let me grab that.
How are you? - I missed you.
- Hi, nice to see you.
So.
I got, uh, eight of those little chocolate dessert things very expensive Thank you.
So Chili's ready.
You're not.
And if you can run and get changed, it'd be great.
Ok? See ya.
In a second.
Jen I just ran into her at The Planet.
Why are you so upset? Because.
I didn't know that she was gonna be here, okay? It just kinda sucks and I have nothing to wear.
Fuck.
Okay, this is fine.
It's fine.
- Look, I just don't get - Will you shut the door, please, thank you.
I don't get what the big deal is.
- Did something happen between you two? - No.
Nothing happened.
I don't like her, okay? She has this, y'know, this way of acting like she she knows everything but I'm gonna go out there and just get this over with.
Stop for a second.
Jen.
Stop.
We are not going to let this ruin our evening, okay? We're going to go back out there, we're going to have a good time, and whatever competitive thing you have going with Marina Just talk to her.
Y'know, kiss and make up, or whatever you women do.
Alright! Everybody, everybody, put your hands together and welcome Rebecca Thatcher doing Sir Mixalot's "Baby Got Back"! - So why did we come to karaoke night? - She's here! Fucking Gabby Devaux again? You invited her, didn't you Al? No! I mean, I might have mentioned that we might be here, I don't know.
Look, she had a really good excuse the other night.
Yeah, and she's a poor excuse for a decent human being.
She's really changed, Shane.
Okay? You know - She's a lot better than she used to be.
- Alright.
Wow! Did you see her boots? Hot, hot, hot! Al, you get with her and I will kill you.
She'll step on your dignity with those boots.
Trust me.
Thank You.
- You look like a Renaissance painting.
- Oh! Gosh! Thank you.
Everyone, before we start, Jenny and I have a little announcement we'd like to make.
You're getting married? That's wonderful! - Congratulations, you guys.
- Yeah, congratulations! Well, hey, that deserves a toast.
Cheers.
Thank you.
- So, can we dig in? - Please, do.
Alice, don't turn around.
- Alice? - Hey - I know you're not ignoring me.
- I was busy.
Talking.
Excuse me.
Have any of you seen Bette and Tina here tonight? No, they had like a dinner party or something.
- Okay.
Thanks, I'll just check in with you later.
- Bye Kit.
Anyway.
Yeah, about that story, uh think they're interested in the whole chart thing.
And, um, guys the guys at the magazine looked pretty interested in it, and uh something about the Yeah, they liked the way it linked the editor to me in like three moves Alice? - Alice.
- What! It's it's cool.
May I have a glass? Sure.
Let me see your ring.
Are you happy? Don't ask me that.
Oh.
Sorry.
I was admiring Jenny's ring.
Isn't it beautiful? It is beautiful.
Tim has great taste.
Yeah, he does.
I'm I'm really s I'm I'm just really not used to the way this feels.
This ring.
Yes? Hi.
- What are you doing? - What are you talking about? I know it's not my place to judge you, Marina and I don't know what's going on with you and Jenny but I think this is wrong.
I'm sorry you feel that way.
But I don't think I've done anything wrong.
First question.
If you only had one day left to live, how would you live it? Jenny? Yes.
Oh, um I would probably spend the whole day and night writing 'til I felt as though I'd left something behind that I was proud of.
You mean you wouldn't spend it with me? Really? I would be lying on a beach, sipping rum, and reading Borges.
And I would be with you.
Because Jenny would be off somewhere, writing.
I need to leave.
Naked in Tahiti.
That's the way to do it.
Um.
Bette has this throbbing headache and she has had it since early this morning, so I'm gonna take her home.
Can I get you some Advil? No, no, I'm just gonna put her to bed, she'll be fine.
But thanks, it was such a great evening.
- Bye Tim.
That was great.
Congratulations.
- Thank you.
- Bye, Bette.
I hope you feel better.
- I'm sure I will.
Thanks.
What happened? Marina and Jenny.
What makes you so sure? Believe me, I saw them.
They were getting real close in the kitchen.
Maybe they were just talking.
I'm sure if anything happened, it was probably just a one-time thing.
Maybe Tim knows.
Tim doesn't know.
They were in there making a fool of him.
- Why are you being so judgmental? - Why are you being so blasée? - Don't you think don't you think you're making too much out of this? - Nope.
- Well, it's not that big of a deal.
- Why? Just because Marina's a woman, it doesn't count? Oh, yeah, Bette, that's exactly what I think.
Well, those are really great values to pass on to our kid, aren't they, Tina? You mean you're pregnant? Jesus! And no one was gonna tell me? Hi Kit.
- I don't know.
We don't know yet.
- Why do you always have to break in? - Look, I'm gonna go to bed, you guys.
- You can't, I need to talk to both of you.
- It's not a good time.
- Well, if I don't do it now, then I'm going to lose my nerve.
- If you don't do what? - Start making amends.
- Is this the 12-step thing? - Yeah.
Yeah, and I, um I have to do this or I'm not going to get my license back.
So it's a requirement.
I mean, you don't even mean it.
You're just gonna go through the motions like you do all the time.
I've done a lot of thinking about it and I wrote a list that I wanted you to look at to see if there's anything, you know, that I forgot.
Okay.
Bette, I have to do this.
I apologize for the time I yelled at you when you were ten and you hid in the garage to listen to my band practice.
I apologize that I didn't turn up for your 12th birthday party after promising I would.
And I apologize for hiding my stash in your teddy bear and letting daddy find it, even though he knew it was mine.
And I apologize for disappearing from your life for so many years.
C'mon, help me out here, you know I mean it.
Bette, you know, it's just not that easy for her.
Well, I guess I fucked that up! No you didn't.
It's not your fault.
Hey! Hi! So, did you hear from Subaru? Did you get it? - I did.
- Oh, my God, that's fantastic! I knew you would.
- Well, they're lucky to have you.
- Oh, thanks.
Well, um goodnight.
Goodnight.
Just in case you were still wondering.
Well, hey.
I like your boots.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Are you, um, with anyone? No.
Hey! I got something to say.
There's a menace in the house.
She's a user, and a fucker, and she has probably fucked you, and you, and you.
And there she is.
On the prowl for another girl to fuck and leave.
So tell her no more! I'm sorry.
Stop the menace! C'mon! Stop the menace! Stop the menace! I think you're right to have such strong convictions.
It makes you who you are, it sets you apart.
I love you for that.
I do.
It was a pleasure meeting you.
- Do I expect to see you again? - Yes! - Thank you.
- Sure.
Goodbye, Tim.
- It was wonderful.
- Thank you.
- Jenny, you have a wonderful home.
- Thank you.
Wow.
Hey, just one question.
- Who is in love with that woman? - Count me in! I'm only human.
The woman has a charm that goes way beyond the fact that she's just stunning.
Jenny? Don't you have just a little crush on her? No.