The L Word s01e05 Episode Script

Lawfully

You ready? I'll bet you are.
You just gonna stand there, or are you going to do something with this? Go on.
Take that meat.
Twenty-four.
Number twenty-four? God.
Stephen Green, you fuckin' faggot, you have the right to remain silent.
Anything you say can and will be used against you.
- Fuck! Mom! Shit! - Wasn't my fault, wasn't my fault.
That machine is just Oh, fuck Christ.
Alright.
What the fu aw, God, Mom! Ah, fuck! Okay, do you know how much that espresso maker costs, mom? What what's that? What are you doing? - My name.
Okay, this is not something you just go and write your name on, like you're giving some sort of autograph.
I know that, Alice.
I'm not stupid, I understand the purpose of your chart.
That's why I wrote my name.
Right there, off of Shane.
- Shane.
- Mm-hmm.
Remember the other night at the party, when we were talking? -Yeah, we were all talking.
You can't be on the chart for talking.
- I know, would you listen to my story? We were talking, and at the end of the evening, when we were saying our goodbyes we had a moment.
- A moment.
- A romantic moment.
And I have to say, I'm not sure that I haven't been limiting myself - in being exclusively with men.
- Um I need you to tell me exactly what happened.
We kissed.
At first, it was casual, but then it became intimate.
French.
Baby, are you okay? Hello? Daddy, you're here! No, everything's just great.
What? Wonder what he's gonna say when we tell him.
He is gonna be so excited.
- What should we tell him when he asks about the last name? - Why do we have to bring it up? Well, I'm not saying that we should, just, you know, if he does.
Just might be easier to use Kennard-Porter, I think.
I don't think we should tell him anything that might not be true.
You know how your father is.
- How is he? - I think we should do some sort of combo thing.
You know? Instead of the whole hyphenated thing? - What, like, "Portard"? - Bette "Hey, Poor Tard, how's your two moms, ya big gay-mo?" - Or whatever it's gonna be in 2015.
- Okay, fine.
What about Kenter, then? - It has a nice sound to it, doesn't it? - You're right.
We should just try not to talk about it tonight.
- Nice, Dana.
Much better.
- Thank you.
I'm gonna have Andrew come by this week and test the speed of that serve, alright? - Alright, sounds good.
Thank you, I'll see you in a bit, okay? - Good stuff.
Alright.
- Hi.
- Hey.
How are you? - Mmm.
So, my serve is faster.
- Cool.
- So who is the sexiest tennis player in the world? - Anna Kournikova ? So.
Guess who's having an event tonight and wants you to come? - Subaru? - Who are you? Her psychic? Yeah.
So, uh, Subaru's hosting a dinner.
Some kind of charity event, to support the arts in, uh, public schools.
It'll be teeming with the who's who.
How hot is that? - That's very hot.
- See how you're a star? So, where is it? - Morton's.
8 o'clock.
- I'm so excited! It's gonna be so great.
You are so fucking hot.
I wanna have sex with you right now.
- Alright.
Still here, ladies.
- Sorry.
Yeah, ah.
Don't apologize.
Hey, you know what? Ever wanna mix it up, let me know! - I'm kidding.
I'm kidding, I'm just kidding.
- I'm gonna get back to work.
Um I will see you later.
- It was nice meeting you.
I think.
- It's a joke.
A joke.
Just a just a joke.
She's cute.
Really cute.
So, about tonight, I think you should bring Harrison.
He's your doubles partner, it's what people want to see.
Dana? I Dana? You wanna call him? Or should I? - I mean, I'd really love to say that it's not true, but - Oh, my God -Ah, shit.
I don't know, man, your mom all I know is I was saying goodbye, and the next thing I know, she just - Fuck.
- I don't know.
I'm thinking maybe those drinks were a little strong.
- You know what this means? This means I can never be gay again! - Never! I cannot be gay! - Al, c'mon, it's no big deal.
Your mom is really sexy for an older woman.
She is! And you know what, she's got really she's really - My baloney has a first name, it's O-S-C-A-R, my baloney has a second name - Al, shut up, okay? - I should be singing.
Your mom got funky with me, alright? - She came on to you? - Shit, she's wild, Al.
- Oh, okay, please with the details! God! Why's my mom such a slutty, slutty, chicken-chasing pervert? I mean, God, you know, not to mention a liar, because she said you came on to her, and she was just being polite! - She's wild.
- Uh, well, you can say your goodbyes because she is going back to Nelson's.
I am not driving her to Palm Springs, they can do that.
She put her name on the chart.
Do you know that? I mean, what is that? I mean, who di where'd she come from? Okay, there's two guys staring at you, and I think one of them is Harry Samchuck.
Fuck.
He thinks I'm a guy.
All of those fucking gay Hollywood mafia fags think I'm some twink they can pick up on.
- Alright.
I'm outta here.
- Hey, hey.
I'm really sorry you got Lenore'd.
It's alright, don't worry.
It happens.
I'll see you later.
- Can I see the one just no third one in.
No, next to that.
No - Jesus Christ.
Just give him whichever one's on top.
- Where the hell have you been? - San Diego.
- Yeah? With your mom? - Yeah.
I needed a break.
L.
A.
was getting all "blah, blah, blah" - That's your friend now? - Yeah, I uh, I met him.
You know.
You are a fucking asshole, you know that? You're a dick.
Call me.
Take care.
- What? - Shane.
I need a favor.
Aw.
Clive I can't do it.
I don't have the room this time.
- Please, it's just for a couple of days.
- Jesus, man, I got roommates.
And they're gonna freak out.
There's four of us living in one bedroom.
I mean, what, you can't stay with someone else? No, I made some calls, but, uh, you know, no one's called me back.
- Dammit, I can I'm sorry.
I can't do it this time.
- It's cool.
Yeah? - Yeah! Of course.
- Sweet.
Will you call me, though? - Yeah.
Please? Of course.
It's good to see you.
Bye, darlin'.
- Mister Samchuck - Clive, have you met Mark? - Trish Peverell? - I can't seem to, uh get on the bus.
- You are so fucking nervous, man.
- I know, I know.
I don't even have to bother.
Look at you.
I know, man, I know.
I gotta try and calm down, I mean I mean, we're in a good position, right.
Look, man, I don't even want to know what you did to get Trish in this, but I thank you.
- No problem.
Seriously.
- Alright, let's do this.
- Let's win it! Yeah! - Alright! - Fuck! Randy? Fuck.
Randy! - What's going on? - Uh, forgot my stopwatch.
- Hey, man, there's no way you're leaving now, man.
Oh, I gotta.
We're not going to win without it.
You know that.
And don't call me superstitious, either, - because I know you have your Garfield boxers on.
- Absolutely.
Okay, look, don't be late, man.
Shit.
I'll probably be there before you.
Whassup! - I think it has amazing potential.
- Potential? - Well, it's a draft, right? - Yes.
Well, you can't expect every story you write to fall out of you and be gold.
- Writing is re-writing.
It doesn't make you less talented.
- Right.
Your strength is you write from here.
The demons that tempt you.
That you struggle with.
Am I that demon? Oh girl, you scared me.
Guess what I got for you, mommy! Check it out! Vitamins for women.
Everything that you don't get, even when you have a good diet.
It's gonna be so good for you and the baby.
- You're so good to me.
- I I wanted to bring you something.
- That's a cute dress.
- You think? I think it makes me look fat.
I bet it'll take Melvin 5 minutes to say it.
- Melvin? My father? He's here in Los Angeles? - Yeah, he's, uh he's just sort of in and out uh, some sort of business thing.
Bette made him squeeze us in.
She really wants to tell him about the baby in person.
- Ai.
Sounds like it'll work out really nice for you.
- Yeah, it saves us the trip.
Hello? Jen? You home? Jenny? Oh, fuck oh oh yeah wait, wait, right there Oh, yeah! Mm! Ah! Fuck! Mm! Ah! - Tina? Tina, wake up.
- Oh hi baby.
- We have to pick up my dad in half an hour.
- Oh, okay.
All I have to do is, uh, put on my makeup.
You're not serious.
You you're not wearing that dress.
I, you know, I I'll just pick something else out.
Can you at least just take the tags off the present? - Why did you call me earlier? - I didn't.
- Well, my cell showed our home number.
- Oh, hm.
Mighta been Kit.
She dropped by earlier.
She brought us vitamins.
You didn't tell her daddy was in town, did you? Tina, what were you thinking? I mean, first David writes a note on a post-it, and her dad's in town, he doesn't even bother to call her these are just the kinds of things that make it hard for her to stay sober.
- Well, I'm sorry, but you didn't brief me on what alright to say and what wasn't.
- I shouldn't have to.
You see me? Daddy, it's the blue Saab.
Look straight ahead.
Do you see me? I can see you! Tina's in the passenger seat right next to me, she'll get out right now.
Yeah, she'll wave.
Wave.
Wave when you get out.
You see her? See? Wave.
Wave! Yeah! That's her.
- Oh, it's so good to see you! Hello.
- Hi.
- This is from Bette.
- From Bette? Ah, now what can this be? Oh, no, don't tell me it is a tie.
- I thought the color would look good on you.
- 'Cause you've got the eye! - Ah, look at that.
Beautiful.
- Hope you're hungry.
Can you just move over? I can't see.
Thanks, Tee.
Oh, I am.
That's what we have in mind.
Oh, that was a nice trip.
Hey.
Don't take it so hard.
We only lost by a 10-point margin.
You did a great job, out there.
Thanks.
- Tim! I'm sorry! I'm sorry.
- What are you what are you doing here? - Please, please, don't shut me out! Please? - Please what, Jenny, huh? What the fuck is with "please"? Just give me my ring! - No! I'm not giving you your ring! - Give me my ring.
- No, no! I'm not giving you your ring! - If you want the ring, take it off my finger - I fucking swear to God, just give me my ring! - Nooo! Nooo! Don't! Nooo! - Hey, hey! What the hell are you doing, man? Are you alright? - I'm fine! - What the hell's going on? - Randy just leave us alone, alright, this is none of your business.
- Listen, if you want to start beating on your woman in front of me - and the whole team, that is my business.
- I was not beating on her.
Leave us alone, that's all I need from you.
I'm fine.
Listen.
Don't disappoint me, man.
Alright, you don't wanna do that.
I won't.
Alright, this is just between us.
Tim, you have to understand that this was a big mistake.
It was like watching yourself, and seeing yourself do something terrible, - and not being able to stop it.
- Why? Why couldn't you stop it? Why was it so fucking hard?! - I don't know.
- When did it start? - That was the first time, the only time we didn't even talk.
- So, you went from not talking to letting her eat you out? Is that it? - Please don't say that.
- I can't believe this is happening.
I thought I would spend the rest of my life with you.
- Well, why can't we? - Because you fucked it all up, Jenny! - I know, but I'm begging you to forgive me.
- God I mean you two must have just been laughing at me, the whole time - No, no, no, no, - nobody was laughing at you, it was just this thing that happened and it wasn't planned.
- You know what kills me? - I was standing there.
Watching you two.
- Tim.
Tim, please.
Please, please, Tim.
Tim, please, please, please.
Please Tim.
Please, this doesn't have to if you can just forgive me, Tim, please, it doesn't have to end.
We can just keep on going as we'd planned and nothing has to change, right? Tim, please, please, don't leave me.
'Cause if you leave me, I think that I'll die.
Tim, please look at me.
- I love you.
And I just wanna be your wife.
- You wanna be my wife? - Yes.
More than anything else.
- Get in the car.
So, I made these with vodka and whey protein, there was some kind of chemical reaction, but the soy protein is really great.
- It's open! - It's me! Ah! God, you look great! Okay, I need help.
I didn't know what you were wearing, and I didn't want to end up looking like twins, you know? That's like saying, "Wow, I'm so cute, I wanna go out with me.
" Oh, hi! I'm going to freshen my drink.
I can't believe I assumed I was going with you.
I feel so stupid.
Lara, Lara, wait, wait, wait.
Look.
Look, Conrad was the one who called Harrison, okay? He just thinks that it's better for me not to he just he just wants me to be consistent, and Harrison's who I usually go with, - and you know that I really wanna go with you - Okay.
I get it, believe me.
Lara, I'm sorry! Look, I know I should've called.
That would've been nice.
You did the right thing.
She's gotta understand, it's not personal, it's business.
Out and proud does not sell cars.
Tim.
We don't have to do this.
- I need to tell you something.
- Um, let's go to my office.
- No.
She can say what she needs to say right here.
Tell her.
What happened between us was a terrible mistake.
It is never gonna happen again.
I will never see you, ever again.
- Do you understand that? - Did you hear what she said? - Of course I did.
- Tell me when it started.
It didn't.
You saw all there was to see.
The beginning, and the end.
- Let's go.
Jenny.
- Yes.
I'm coming.
So, this morning after you left, Harry asked me all about you and I told him you did Pink's faux hawk for her "Bitter Pill" - video and he fucking creamed! Yeah, he says he wants to recommend you to all his friends! - Yeah? - That's fabulous.
How much do I owe him? - What? Ew, God, no, no, no, he just wants to hang out sometime! Clive.
I'm not hanging out with him.
He thinks I'm a guy, I'm not into that.
You should know that.
- Since when? - Since I found a real job.
- Hey! Good for you, you found a place.
- Yeah, I'm staying with Harry.
Oh, fuck.
Fuck, Clive, no you're not.
What are you talking about? - We made a promise to each other that we're out of that.
- I'm not going back out on the streets, Shane, - I'm going to a $30 million mansion in Bel Air! - You are going to be the latest boy toy to a bunch of Hollywood fags who are going to pass you around and suck you dry.
They're vampires, man, and you should know that.
I don't exactly have a choice, do I? Alright.
Alright.
One week.
One week and that's it.
And if you mess up, if you fuck around, you're out.
Thank you, thank you, thank you so much, thank you! - Mom? Nelson's outside.
- Why do I feel like I'm being banished? I said I was sorry.
You're not being banished, I just need my place back.
I work here.
You see how your brother is? I feel like one of those fast girls in high school whose boyfriends can't even bother to come to the door.
- I'm gonna help you.
Just, you know, he's got the kids in the car.
- Aw, Alice, please.
Promise me.
I'll remind them.
Call you "Bunny" and not "Grandma.
" Mom? You know how I had that talk with Shane? About what happened? - Yeah? - She says she thinks you're wild.
Really! Well.
I hate to hurt her feelings, but I'm afraid it can't go any farther.
You'll talk to her for me, won't you Alice? Yeah.
I'll talk to her.
And then, daddy, MOCA had the show but I just wouldn't give up.
You know what I did? I went to go see Peggy Peabody myself.
Incredible.
What do I always tell you? You are my child.
You can do anything you set your mind to! - So.
What do you think of my girl? - Oh I think she's amazing.
I think the show's gonna be incredible.
- And, uh, how is your career shaping up, Miss Kennard? - I don't have much of one, at the moment.
- I left the studio about seven months ago.
- Well, the thing is, daddy, Tina is doing something very special.
Something for the both of us.
- Hi, can I start anyone off with a drink this evening? - Bette? - Um, I I think we'll have a large bottle of Pellegrino.
- A Manhattan, sir.
- I'll get those right away, and I'll be back to take your order in a few minutes.
- Thank you.
- Tina, would you like to tell him? - Um okay! Uh, Melvin, Bette and I are having a baby.
- Daddy, we're having a baby.
- I don't understand.
- I'm pregnant.
- And you're happy about that? - Of course.
- Daddy! - I'm sorry.
I'm not familiar with the proper response.
Well, um this is something that we've been trying to do for a very long time.
We want this very much.
- I was unaware of that.
- Well, how do you feel about it? I'm not sure.
This child you're gonna be taking care of it, and Miss Kennard? - Dad, we're a couple.
We are starting a family.
- If that makes you happy.
Well, doesn't it make you happy? I mean, you're going to have another grandchild.
That is biologically impossible.
Unless there's been a medical breakthrough that I don't know anything about, the possibility that this child will be my grandchild does not exist.
Therefore, I am happy if that's what you want in your friendship with Miss Kennard.
But, I cannot realistically be asked to participate in this fiction of your creation.
Can I tell you about tonight's specials? We have Chilean sea bass with wilted spinach, a risotto with prosciutto ham and shitake mushrooms.
- Could you give us just a minute, please? - Of course.
Bette and I have gone through so much to get here.
We've talked about how our child could truly reflect who we are when we're so limited by biology.
That's why we've decided to use an African-American donor.
So when we look at our child, and you look at your grandchild, we'll all be looking into a familial face.
- A black man is the father of this child? - The donor, dad, he's an African-American artist.
An African-American.
And because of that I'm supposed to feel closer to this child? Because all of us blacks are somehow connected? We can traced back to some tribe in Africa, - where we were beating drums? That is absurd.
You are an Ivy-League-educated woman.
How is this logical? - Dad.
Just to tell you the rest of our specials, we also have salt-crusted cod, and that comes with lovely raspberry-infused artichoke hearts and a light lemon vinaigrette.
- Would anyone like to start? - I'm sorry.
I don't feel so well.
- Do you have to go to the bathroom? - No.
I think I'm just gonna go home.
- Well, then, I'll I'll take you.
- No.
Stay.
It was really nice seeing you again, Melvin.
I'm sorry you're not feeling well.
I'll have Bette back to you in no time.
I am going to have uh the sea bass.
Yoohoo! Hey there lovebirds.
Come this way.
Jerry, get up! Now, you've both given this a lot of thought? - Uh, yes.
- You sure? Well, I didn't mean to scare you.
Uh, you didn't run away or anything, did you? - No.
- No.
- You pregnant? - In love? - Yes.
- Good! I like to make sure.
Now, this is my husband, Jerry.
He will be your witness.
- Hey.
How long have you guys been married? - Uh what is it, 32 years? - In March.
- See? It's good to be sure.
Now, you will, uh, stand over here and you will stand here And, remember, this is the beginning of the rest of your life, so why don't you both kiss? I think that's a good way to start out.
Okay! Well, let's start.
Checkout's 12.
If you want a decent breakfast, don't go across the street.
You can, uh, drive up 90, one mile, - you can go to Pancake House.
It's on the left.
Have a good night.
- Thank you.
- A toast! Yes! - What do you think? - Um, glasses.
- Oh, should I go get some? - No, allow me, please.
- Alright, stand back for this one.
- I am not afraid.
Very smooth.
Okay.
I propose a toast.
To Mr.
and Mrs.
Haspel.
- That minister, um, was pretty great, wasn't she? - Why? Because she's a woman? - No Uh could you just uh take a shower? Please.
Excuse me.
I'm sorry.
Come in.
So, how was the party? I know you hate me right now.
And I don't blame you.
I should've called.
I know.
I always mess things up.
Did I mess everything up? I'm sorry.
It's just that you just you make me so happy.
And that's not a very familiar feeling.
You know? Can I please try again? I really wanna try again.
- Can I? - One thing.
Anything.
- You have to at least take some steps towards being out.
- I will.
- Because you're going to be miserable being in the closet.
- I know.
- And you are really really gay.
- I know.
You know, it's one of the things I like so much about you.
When you hide that, you're hiding the best part.
Hey, little sister! Roger invited the band over.
They have the night off.
What we have here is the Roger Supreme Special.
You want some of this little sister? - No, thanks, I'm good.
- All the more for me.
Baby, can you can you eat that out there? Or better yet, eat that in the bedroom so nobody sees you so I don't have to make another - one, okay? And thank you for mine, okay? - You're my baby, you know that.
- Whassup? - I saw dad tonight.
I'm sorry I didn't tell you, I just Hey, it's not like we talk or anything.
It's cool, it's cool.
So what happened? It was unbelievable.
He was so horrible.
I mean, and he's never been that way with me.
And I told him about the baby.
And basically he said that he would never consider the baby to be his grandchild.
Bette Bette, what did you expect? He's a old-fashioned man.
A bigot in his own right.
Someone's gotta talk some sense into you - about that man because he is not the saint you think he is.
- Kit! Oh, girl, c'mon, you never want to hear the truth! You are so brainwashed.
What do you trade to feel his pride, hm? - I have to go.
- Yeah.
You do.
- What is it? - Dad, it's me, Katy.
If you want to see me, you could arrange a meeting at a more appropriate hour.
- I figured you were up doing your 5 a.
m.
sit-ups.
- So I was.
- That's a lot of years without changing.
- It appears to be mutual.
- It has been a long time, hasn't it? - Well, yes.
This is what happens, isn't it? These are the consequences of your actions.
- I'm not here to talk about me, dad.
I'm here for Bette.
- She sent you here? No, I came on my own.
She showed up at my apartment upset over what happened between the two of you.
Do you know the situation? I'm supposed to call a child not even related to me a grandchild.
- And would that be the end of the world? - No.
It would be a lie.
Oh, and you don't ever do that, do you? I don't know what she expected from you, and, I don't understand who she thinks you are.
If what you have in mind is to exploit the situation with your sister, so that you can come up here and insult me, I will not allow it.
And and, if you had lived some kind of life of decency and respectability, then, possibly, I would be your audience.
- But not now - You should be careful not to take your anger over what happened between you and me out on Bette.
She's been hurt enough by that.
All she wants is your blessing.
Why would you deny her that? For biology? Don't turn Bette away from you because you can't find it in yourself to accept her situation.
She thinks the world of you.
You reject her and Tina's child and that's just what you'll be doing.
Do you really wanna do that? Open your door 13 years later and see your daughter's face, older and a stranger's? - I got David's note, I know you made him write me.
- Only a suggestion.
I thought it might help keep you on track.
Would you give him this? His return address on the envelope was some office at the school.
- Where's the fire? You been drinkin'? - I had a glass of champagne to celebrate after I got married.
- Got married? - Earlier.
At Tahoe.
- Where's your wife? - I left her in the motel room.
- Would you mind stepping out of the car, please? - Earlier today, I caught my wife, my my fiancée - I walked in on her cheating on me.
- But you married her? What's going through your head, son? I don't know.
She was the one I thought I'd spend forever with.
Well, uh, don't tell me you're, uh, going back to where you came from the kill the guy.
It was a woman.
You ever watch pornography? You don't have to answer that.
We all do.
You know, we spend our whole lives watchin' porn.
We never see the warning.
There it is.
You know that scene, where, uh, two women are gettin' it on? Guy comes in, he's all hard, y'know, he's gonna give it to 'em, he's gonna fuck 'em good.
We think that's what those chicks want.
The meat.
That's not it.
They're having a good time without him.
They're going down on each other, you know, they're, uh they're up in there, they're licking everything, a guy comes in, he's ready to unload that's not what they want.
They got their eyes squinted up, like, uh someone's gonna pour gasoline on 'em.
There's your warning.
That's why this country's homosexuals are so dangerous.
When you got two people they got the same equipment and they both know how to treat it how could anybody of the opposite sex compete with that? That's how they get ya.
- You, uh try to drive the speed limit, okay? - I will.
Tim? Tim