The L Word s01e05 Episode Script
Lawfully
Hey, Helen.
Stacy never came home.
You got a wild one on your hands, Helen, you knew that going in.
You didn't run into her at the Boiler Room? No.
I never saw her tonight.
What's that? I picked it up at that estate auction.
I think it's a from Ecuador, about Abraxas, or Forcas, or something Whatever.
Listen, don't stress out about Stacy, you know how she is.
She probably went to another party and is passed out on someone's couch.
Well, what if something happened to her? Oh, I'm sure she's fine.
I'm waiting a few more hours, then I'm going to the police.
Who was that? Your girlfriend.
Hey.
What're you doing here? Live here, last time I checked.
I thought that you had practice.
Oh, Randy's taking the practice I'm trying to map out a study schedule for Trish.
If she doesn't pass Physics, she can't compete in the PAC-Tens next month, so Wow.
You look fantastic.
Really? Where are you going? I'm, I'm just going to The Planet, gonna go write.
I need the change of environment.
So I'll see you later.
You know what? That's a great idea.
I'm going to come with you.
I gotta get out of the house.
It's nothing to be ashamed of.
It happens, Dana.
It's never happened to me.
It's a perfectly natural thing.
It doesn't change the way I feel about you.
Or how much pleasure you gave me.
Ew! What is that? Sandwich.
Want some? Pass.
Bye hon - ew.
That is disgusting.
Bye babe.
Bye.
I'll be right back.
I can't believe you can buy these things in bulk.
It's so weird.
Oh, my god.
I'd have so much more respect for that box if it had more honest pictures.
Like, some sobbing, infertile woman with a negative test stick in her hand.
And on the other side, it could have a teenage girl with a positive one, about to hang herself.
Yeah.
Good.
How do you not pee on your hand? You just aim below the clit.
Oh, really? Yeah.
Where did you think pee came out of? I don't know, there's a lot going on down there.
This is my tenth early pregnancy test.
In high school, I used to think you could get pregnant from giving a guy a blow-job.
I used to think you could get pregnant through your pants.
Or touching the handle of the boys' bathroom.
Are you sure you want to go back to men? I'm positive.
I've had enough drama and mind-fucks, and women are fucking crazy.
Yeah, men are boring.
Yeah, well bring it on, because I could use a little nice, uncomplicated, boring, boy-girl sex masquerading as love.
It's fine with me.
Jen? Tim? You allright? Yeah, I'm good.
You sure? Yeah.
Yeah, hey.
I hate these unisex bathrooms.
You know? It's shocking to hear a man's voice, and they pee everywhere, it's just completely gross.
I'll try and be considerate.
You know what? It makes me sick what this administration is doing to our environment.
Oh my god.
Oh god, oh my god! Tina! It's positive! What? Oh oh, my god! I'm pregnant.
You did it, you did it, you did it! Oh, my god! I'm pregnant! Oh, my god! You did it! I'm so happy for you! Oh, my god, look, I'm a cliché, I'm sitting here stuffing my face! Hey guys! Oh, god, you scared me.
Kit, c'mere! C'mere! Tina's pregnant.
We just found out, just this second.
Look! Wow, oh, wow! Oh, oh, I I'm so happy for you! This is great! Wow, this is groovy.
Does Bette know? Jen, I have to run these study plans over to Trish.
Okay.
That's fine.
Hello? Oh, hey.
Uh, no, no she didn't mention that.
Really, yeah.
Yeah.
Well, anyway.
You probably want to talk to Jenny.
The great Nick Brashkov.
You sure you want this? Shut up, give me the phone.
Hello? Hi.
How are you? Guess what.
I killed Sarah Schuster.
You promise? Well, you know I promise.
I'm not worried about you.
Yes, I promise, I won't tell Bette that we knew it before she knew.
You're gonna have to be so good.
You can't have any more fun, uh-uh! I know.
No red meat, no additives, no Margaritas, wine, beer and no Xanax! No matter how stressed-out I get.
No more smack, no more crack, and no more blow.
I'm going to do everything right.
I'm going to be as together about this as Bette is to her work.
We're going to have a family.
Oh, my god.
Well, I have to go.
So, I'll talk to you later.
Lips are sealed, promise.
Tina, um, the reason I came is Bette told me there was a letter here for me? Oh! Yeah! That's right.
I'm sorry.
It's from David.
You okay? Wow yeah.
I haven't heard from him in 5 years.
Okay! You and Bette are gonna be great parents.
Thanks, baby.
Now, go on! Go call her before you explode! I'm outta here! I was completely done with her, so I just decided she needed to go.
Oh, Nick, of course I value your opinion.
You were the first! You are? Okay.
Yes, I would love to! I would absa-absa-absolutely love to.
You have a tan? Oh, my god, do you still look like George Hamilton? I understand your concerns.
The, uh, Bill Viola went to Seattle, he could maybe do 2005.
Tina.
Still on line 3.
Thank you.
Yes, great talking to you, too.
Okay.
Allright, bye.
Baby, I cannot talk right now.
Okay, okay.
I'll make it really quick.
Just promise me that you'll come home for dinner tonight.
I'm cooking.
That's gonna be a tough one to swing.
Please, it's really important.
I'll take care of you.
I'll make it all better.
The only way you can make it all better is if you come up with a show for my big, gaping spring slot.
Sheldon Tomlin's on 2.
Fuck Sheldon Tomlin! Baby, I can't talk right now.
I will try tonight, that is the best I can do.
Okay? Okay.
Try.
Okay.
Bye.
Sheldon! Thank you so much for calling me back.
Y - no, it's true.
Well, you know, MOCA is a big institution, it's hard to compete.
Look, um, the reason that I was calling you What you're about to hear is the sound of me eating my words.
Sheldon, I would like to book "Impressions In Winter" and I hope that you don't hold it against me that Franklin didn't tell me anything.
That is absolutely not true.
No, the C.
A.
C.
is not in turmoil! No! Of course.
You know, and nothing personal on my part, either.
Okay.
Bye.
Franklin headed this way.
God, dammit, does it ever fucking stop? She in? Uh, no, not yet.
I see.
Would you tell her that the board is convening for an unscheduled meeting tomorrow evening? And she would be well-advised to attend.
Franklin! What are you doing talking to my door? I'm off to my Bernard Riddle meeting.
He's got half a million dollars he wants to lay on some museum, somewhere in Los Angeles that's doing anything remotely progressive.
Bernard Riddle? He's way out of your league, dear.
He may be out of the C.
A.
C.
's league, Franklin, but he's certainly not out of mine.
Okay, guys.
I just saw the cutest guy I've ever seen in my life.
What? I don't wanna talk about it.
You don't want to talk about what? Something happen with you and Lara? No.
I'm just never having sex again, that's all.
Easy, Dana, come on.
I've never been more humiliated or embarrassed or ashamed of anything in my entire life.
What, did she tie you up and leave you? No, nothing like that.
Okay, okay.
Yep.
I have a friend, she went down on a girl, she was down there and she sneezed.
Is that it? Gross.
It wasn't me, it was a friend.
So what, what what what.
God, you're killing me.
Did you queef? Did I see, I don't even know what that is.
Is that Okay, is that what happened? She female-ejaculated.
Wow, Miss Dana.
Wow, this Lara must be a killer in bed, huh? Yeah uh, yeah, yeah she That's a good thing? Dana! Women strive for this! They read books about the G-spot.
They go to workshops.
Oh, my god, you should be totally and utterly ecstatic.
Oh, my god, there he is.
Tell me he's not the cutest guy you've ever seen? Oh, Lis! Shane! Hey! How are you doing? How are you? Um, these are my friends.
This is Alice, and this is Dana.
Guys, this is Lisa.
Hi.
Lisa? That's Lisa.
Oh, shit.
Oh, god, it's my mother.
Excuse me.
Hello, mother.
What do you mean you're in L.
A.
, wh - where are you? Who is that? Forget it, man.
Are you sure? Yeah, she, uh well, she doesn't want to be a lesbian anymore.
Since when? Well, she was dating one of those hot-and-cold chicks, and well, she got her heart completely busted.
No! I - okay.
I can't come because I have to go to w - I have to go to work in, like, a half an hour.
It's a shame.
Yeah.
That's no reason to swear off being a lesbian.
I agree.
Maybe I can change her mind.
Wait.
I'm sorry, I don't think I don't know if you've noticed, but you're a guy.
Lisa's a lesbian.
I'm a lesbian-identified man.
I know.
Okay.
Well, my mom's at The Plaza, there's been some sort of misunderstanding, and she's been here for 5 fucking days.
Well, tell her I said hi.
Hey, is she still with that stunt guy? Ask her.
Bye, Alice.
Bye Bye It's mom she's totally I totally understand.
Okay guys, I'll see ya later.
Bye, Al.
Sweetie! I was planning on calling you tomorrow.
Oh, it's been so crazy.
I'm here for the new Gerard Lichtman film and he's just been so demanding of my time.
Did you know he has 5 Standard poodles? Gerard Lichtman, wow, really.
Yeah.
Of course, they haven't set up the production offices yet, the financing is coming from some Australian beer conglomerate.
So, I'm covering the hotel myself, which is fine, except that, uh, I'm having a slight cash flow problem at the moment, and this manager's being a total dick.
Excuse me.
I'm a huge fan of Dynasty.
I loved you as Alexis! Thank you.
Actually, I was Blair in Empire Falls.
Moron.
Mom.
I have to go to work.
So what do you want.
Oh, Alice, please, can't you talk to him for me? He's exhausted me.
Okay.
Allright.
Stay here and I will take care of this.
So, all her credit cards were declined? I'm afraid so.
We have to collect, she's over our limit.
Right.
But she'll have it in like a day or two.
She's here to be in a Gerard Lichtman film, so Really? Yeah.
I loved Blaunacht.
It should've won the Oscar for Best Foreign Film.
Right.
And you know, sometimes they start payroll after production started.
I'm sure you guys deal with celebrities all the time.
So I know.
But, uh she's at our limit.
Right.
Okay.
I mean, I can take care of this, it's not a problem.
So what are we looking at? Well, I have a printout of the bill.
The total comes to five thousand, nine hundred sixty-eight, forty-two.
I'm s - I'm sorry, you said - Dollars.
That be cash or credit card? I'm sorry.
How could anybody spend five thousand dollars on a hotel room.
That doesn't - Well, the suite is $950 a night.
Uh, she was here for five days.
There was room service, and I believe she made a few phone calls.
Right.
Oh, mother.
Well, obviously I'm good for the money! I'm not some sort of con-artist! As soon as this job comes through, just send me the bill.
You could always hawk those pants.
Aren't they great? Are you being sarcastic? So, uh Nick is in town, huh? It's the MLA convention.
I told him that we were getting married and you know what he said? "Congratulations".
Really? You know what? Nick Brashkov is, like, this pretentious asshole who milks his minor literary stature by fucking these impressionable, young undergrads.
Okay, you have to give me some more credit.
Please? Y- You know the men's slalom's on.
I've been waiting all night for this.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Yeah.
Okay.
Come on.
Where are you? I'm right - I'm right here.
You look like you're someplace else.
No, no, I'm right here.
Really? Yeah.
C'mere.
It's okay.
I am fucking dying out there! These Philistines are just breaking my - No.
Tina you invited someone to dinner? I've had the worst fucking day, the last thing on earth I want to do is to have to make con - I love you.
I love you.
I love you.
I love you.
I love you.
I love you.
I called Dr.
Wilson and she said we should come in tomorrow, for an ultra-sound.
Just to confirm the results.
I am sorry I was such an asshole.
I'm sorry you had such a bad day.
I'm sure everything is gonna be okay.
Sure it will.
Yeah.
We're gonna have a baby.
We are.
We are.
I love you.
I love you, too.
I tell you, you're good with your mama, you're good all over.
Ai.
Allright, just give me a triple shot.
You guys, my mother's living with me until her job starts and it's not fun.
Wow.
What's with Mopey Pants? What is it, Dana, are you having embarrassing multiple orgasms now? No.
Just, Lara hasn't called me.
And it's been, like It's been 21 hours.
Well, how'd you leave it? I left without saying anything.
From your own apartment.
I was really embarrassed, Alice! James, I really don't think they're going to do that.
You didn't do anything.
If they do, I'll just make a bunch of phone calls and give you an amazing recommendation, okay? I like your scarf.
And this is for the baby.
I made it just for you.
Congratulations.
Allright, I know.
Ok, I was excited and just congratulations.
Seriously, guys, it's so amazing.
Congrats.
Wait, wait, wait.
What's happening? Why's everybody congratulating you guys? Tina's having a baby.
They're pregnant! Oh, my god.
Congratulations! Wow! Am I always the last to know these things? It's okay, Dana.
I was second-to-last.
Check it out.
This is where you take the flower.
C'mere, I'm sorry.
God.
So fucking cute.
Yuck.
Yeah, well you could have waited until she left to do the pregnancy test.
Maybe you want Alice to be your Lamaze partner too, and in fact, you know, really I'm surprised you didn't invite her to come with us for the ultra-sound.
I'm sorry.
Look, I know how stressed you are.
I'm trying to leave you alone.
But sometimes I need someone to share a moment with.
Is that really so wrong? No.
It's sad.
Allright, ladies, let's keep it moving! I'm so sorry.
I had to beg Durst to make up my physics exam.
Turn right back around, Trish.
You don't come to practice on time, don't bother coming.
But, Tim, I was - What? You're grown-up, right? Why don't you take some responsibility? All these women are in the water already.
Go on.
Tim, what the hell are you doing? Get her in the water, now! Randy, she's fucking up.
We can't just let her set her own schedule - Trish! Get back here! Go get her.
Trish What? Is that what you called to tell me? I can't hear that right now.
Okay? Are you ready? Yeah.
Bye.
So, we'll just apply a little bit of lubricant here and here we go.
You comfortable? Allright.
And there's your left ovary.
And that looks like it would've been a follicle.
And there You see that little heartbeat? Is that our baby? That's your baby.
Oh, god.
Oh, my god.
Oh, my god.
Left on third.
Gerard is insisting on spending the entire afternoon with me.
Last time I saw him, my god, we talked about everything: films that inspired him as a child in Berlin my divorce.
It was as if we'd known each other for years.
Left, left! Mom! I've lived in this city my whole life, I know how to get to Pico! God! We wouldn't have been late if you hadn't spent 15 minutes in the bathroom.
Do I look okay? Huh? Good, you look great.
You do.
You really do.
You could take a little more time with your face, you know.
You might have a girlfriend by now.
Mother fucker! Asshole! God! Jesus! Knock 'em dead, mom.
Don't worry so much.
You're getting this big wrinkle.
You're starting to look like Ernest Borgnine.
Sign in at the front desk, they'll give you sides.
What is this? It's an open call for the part of Mrs.
Simons, alien 1, 2 and 3, and Ted's grandmother.
"Curse of the Romalians: Return to Gondor Part 2.
" Is this a Lichtman film? Gerard Lichtman.
The German director.
The director is Matt Fried, he's 22 and he's from Pasadena.
Plus, he's a total asshole.
Hey, man.
Can I talk to you for a second? About what? Trish? Yeah, well, look.
Trish needs support right now.
She doesn't need to be chewed out in front of the whole team.
Yeah? Well, I don't, either.
I'm just trying to do my job.
You're right.
Look, man, I'm sorry if I was harsh out there, but this is the reality of our situation.
Without Trish Peverell, we shouldn't bother showing up next week.
Really? And on that note, I got ahold of the physics midterm.
She's gonna take it on Monday.
There's no way I'm just turning that test over to Trish.
Would you relax? No one is talking about cheating.
I'm talking about giving you the test so that you know how to tutor her.
Know what direction to lead her in, that's all.
C'mon.
You are a tense man, right now, you know that? Listen, why don't we go get a couple of beers, chill out a bit? It's on me.
I can't.
What, you and Jenny got plans? No.
Jenny's going out to dinner with one of her old professors.
Oh! Wait.
Not the blow-job one? The one she wrote that story about? Oh, hell no! You're letting your fiancée go out with a dude whose dick's been in her mouth? Don't fucking say that! I don't own her, allright, she's her own woman.
No, she's not.
Not since she put that ring on her finger and said "yes".
Man, you have got to put your foot down.
No.
The whole caveman thing, it's not my style.
This ain't got nothin' to do with caveman, allright, this is about trust, pure and simple.
You don't trust her, you don't marry her.
I'm sorry to sound so harsh, man, but those are the rules of the game.
I trust her.
K? Yeah.
Talk to you later, allright? Have a seat.
I'll forego the blindfold.
Miss Porter, as I'm sure you're aware, the position of director of this museum involves more than merely pulling collections out of hats.
It involves image.
It involves relationships.
Okay, you have to tell me what you thought of my story.
I'm so flattered that you value my opinion.
Nicolas, of course I value your opinion, you're the most brilliant wonderfully smart editor that I've ever had.
What do you think of the tie? I think it's fucking sleazy.
Excellent.
Well, your story, if you really want to know I do.
I thought was utter bullshit from beginning to end.
I mean, beautifully written you always write exquisitely, but swans? They mate for life.
Sure, and they have brains the size of ping-pong balls.
I mean, where's your edge, Jennifer? Where's your nihilistic passion? Where's the girl that masturbated in church? Shhh.
I mean "And he would've died for her, and she would've died for him.
" What's that about? It's about fucking commitment, you know.
Really? Yes.
Well, It reads like spackle.
Now, I know you're marrying the coach, but if this is meant as a wedding present, I'd keep it between you and him.
Because you're more complex than this.
What did you think, just then? Where did you go? Nowhere.
You're obfuscating.
Nothing.
Listen, Jennifer.
Commitment is dreary.
It's not your thing.
You have to dig deeper.
Tell me something interesting.
I've been doing these really terrible things.
Where the hell is the director's office?! This place is like a god-damned labyrinth.
Any moment I expect to run into the Minotaur! Hi.
Can I help you? Yes, well, you certainly look like a very capable young man.
Which is fortunate since I'm rather at your mercy.
I need to find Bette Porter or Xandra Rosenman.
Well, they're both in a meeting.
In there? Oh, good.
Take them for a moment, would you please? Get them some more water.
You can't go in there! That's a board of director's meeting, ma'am! Get your hand off me if you want to go on living and breathing.
Peggy Peabody, what are you doing here? Peggy? Xandra.
I got your call.
What is this about Franklin firing Bette Porter? Let me just say, Franklin and anyone else who may be involved in this little cabal If you fire Bette Porter, I'll have to reconsider lending my collection to the C.
A.
C.
Miss Porter is far and away the most qualified person in Los Angeles to preside over an exhibit like "Provocations".
I thought "Provocations" was going through MOCA? Well, it's not, Franklin, it's going to your up and coming little museum! But only on one condition.
Ms.
Porter.
I'll need a guarantee from you that you will remain with the C.
A.
C.
at least until "Provocations" moves on to the Walker in the summer.
Well, I'm not in the position to - Miss Porter has 6 months remaining on her contract, Peggy.
We have every intention of honoring it, despite what you may have heard about being fired.
Well, let's just forget about that, then.
Do you have an option in the contract? Of course we do.
Uh, 18 months, I believe.
I suggest you exercise it here and now.
By the time "Provocations" debuts at the C.
A.
C.
, Miss Porter will already have been wooed by every museum in the country.
Wow.
That's interesting.
You've fallen in love with a woman.
No, no, no, I don't know if it's love.
It might be sort of like this, you know, fantastic, sort of, like, demon possession sort of thing.
Oh, stop it, don't look so shocked.
I'm not shocked.
I'm surprised, I'm excited it's exotic.
Oh, shut up, you pervert.
A demon possession.
That's it, that's what you have to take and run with and when you write about - what's her name? Marina.
When you write about Marina, you must dig, you must delve, you must open up and eviscerate everything.
You do your best work when you lay bare your remarkable emotions.
Coach.
What a surprise.
I'm looking for Jenny.
And I just bet you're going to tell me she's not here.
She's not here.
We had dinner downstairs, but she left 15 minutes ago.
Come in and have a look, I'll get you a drink.
Absolutely.
Bonjour.
(Good evening) Bonjour.
Do you have a minute for me? But of course.
Très bien.
(Very good) Do you see those two girls over there? Give them this and tell them de la part de Marina.
Well.
Look at your beautiful dress.
What can I get you? Let's cut the bullshit, Nick.
Look.
Jenny and I have a passionate relationship, but, uh, currently it's purely intellectual.
Okay? And coach? Congratulations.
Oh-oh Hey.
Uh Oh! Oh! Um there's no time for pleasantries, because Tim is outside, by the bar, so Fuck.
No, it's crowded, and he'll never see you.
C'mon.
I'll cover you.
You're welcome, by the way.
Ahhh! Congratulations! Baby girl! Who all's here? Oh, the usual suspects.
Hey, um what did David have to say? Oh nothing nothing much.
Kit.
This is forms for a medical history.
Yeah, but he wrote something on it.
He wrote you a letter on a post-it? "Dear Kit, I hope you are well.
I need some family medical history for my application to a residency program.
" "I've enclosed a self-addressed, stamped envelope for you to send the forms.
Grandfather tells me that you are in a 12-step program and I want to offer you my support in that endeavor.
I wish you success with the positive changes you are making in your life.
Your son, David Waters.
" I'm sorry.
Hey, you know I wasn't around to teach him how to write a letter.
You're here! Hey! C'mon Okay, go on, go on, get out there.
I'll be out there in a minute.
Brava! The conquering heroine! Thank you.
Cheers.
It's just one sip.
I'm so happy for you.
For us.
For us.
I'm sitting in the chair, writhing in agony.
A demon, a minor demon, is pinning me there, fucking with my head.
Abraxas, he says, I'm Abraxas.
The demon of lies and deceit.
So.
What do you want to know about lies, my dear? I'm not a liar.
I try again to get up, this time I'm flayed, splayed I feel myself screaming.
I'll tell you about lies.
There are white lies and black lies and many shades of grey lies.
But some lies are justified.
Lies told out of kindness.
Lies that preserve dignity.
I haven't had a single bit of work done.
How old do you think I am? Lies that spare pain.
Maybe 40? Everybody's a liar, dear.
Look at that happening.
She's about to tell her lover something patently untrue.
I just want you to know that whatever had happened tonight in that board meeting, we would have been fine.
Look at their gestures.
See how they touch each other too intimately.
How they avert their eyes and cover their mouths.
They lick their teeth.
And hold their chins.
They embellish their stories with far too much detail.
Anyway, I was shooting this story with Truffaut and Anouk Aimée, and I had this big scene with her lover in the film, and of course that day Anouk shows up on the set.
But I don't care, because I know exactly what I'm gonna do with the scene, and at the end of the scene, I have my big closeup, and of course everything happens, my god, the emotion comes up, I chase it away, I bring it back, it's rich, it's full, it's subtle.
And at the end of the take, Truffaut turns to Anouk and says, "Zat is ze way you should act.
" Can you imagine? Working? Yeah.
Nick was such a pompous ass.
He ripped me to shreds.
I don't like the sound of that.
No, it's - it's good.
It's good.
I feel like I'm on to something.
Right.
Well, I'll, uh, leave you to it.
Tim? Can you stay here with me?
Stacy never came home.
You got a wild one on your hands, Helen, you knew that going in.
You didn't run into her at the Boiler Room? No.
I never saw her tonight.
What's that? I picked it up at that estate auction.
I think it's a from Ecuador, about Abraxas, or Forcas, or something Whatever.
Listen, don't stress out about Stacy, you know how she is.
She probably went to another party and is passed out on someone's couch.
Well, what if something happened to her? Oh, I'm sure she's fine.
I'm waiting a few more hours, then I'm going to the police.
Who was that? Your girlfriend.
Hey.
What're you doing here? Live here, last time I checked.
I thought that you had practice.
Oh, Randy's taking the practice I'm trying to map out a study schedule for Trish.
If she doesn't pass Physics, she can't compete in the PAC-Tens next month, so Wow.
You look fantastic.
Really? Where are you going? I'm, I'm just going to The Planet, gonna go write.
I need the change of environment.
So I'll see you later.
You know what? That's a great idea.
I'm going to come with you.
I gotta get out of the house.
It's nothing to be ashamed of.
It happens, Dana.
It's never happened to me.
It's a perfectly natural thing.
It doesn't change the way I feel about you.
Or how much pleasure you gave me.
Ew! What is that? Sandwich.
Want some? Pass.
Bye hon - ew.
That is disgusting.
Bye babe.
Bye.
I'll be right back.
I can't believe you can buy these things in bulk.
It's so weird.
Oh, my god.
I'd have so much more respect for that box if it had more honest pictures.
Like, some sobbing, infertile woman with a negative test stick in her hand.
And on the other side, it could have a teenage girl with a positive one, about to hang herself.
Yeah.
Good.
How do you not pee on your hand? You just aim below the clit.
Oh, really? Yeah.
Where did you think pee came out of? I don't know, there's a lot going on down there.
This is my tenth early pregnancy test.
In high school, I used to think you could get pregnant from giving a guy a blow-job.
I used to think you could get pregnant through your pants.
Or touching the handle of the boys' bathroom.
Are you sure you want to go back to men? I'm positive.
I've had enough drama and mind-fucks, and women are fucking crazy.
Yeah, men are boring.
Yeah, well bring it on, because I could use a little nice, uncomplicated, boring, boy-girl sex masquerading as love.
It's fine with me.
Jen? Tim? You allright? Yeah, I'm good.
You sure? Yeah.
Yeah, hey.
I hate these unisex bathrooms.
You know? It's shocking to hear a man's voice, and they pee everywhere, it's just completely gross.
I'll try and be considerate.
You know what? It makes me sick what this administration is doing to our environment.
Oh my god.
Oh god, oh my god! Tina! It's positive! What? Oh oh, my god! I'm pregnant.
You did it, you did it, you did it! Oh, my god! I'm pregnant! Oh, my god! You did it! I'm so happy for you! Oh, my god, look, I'm a cliché, I'm sitting here stuffing my face! Hey guys! Oh, god, you scared me.
Kit, c'mere! C'mere! Tina's pregnant.
We just found out, just this second.
Look! Wow, oh, wow! Oh, oh, I I'm so happy for you! This is great! Wow, this is groovy.
Does Bette know? Jen, I have to run these study plans over to Trish.
Okay.
That's fine.
Hello? Oh, hey.
Uh, no, no she didn't mention that.
Really, yeah.
Yeah.
Well, anyway.
You probably want to talk to Jenny.
The great Nick Brashkov.
You sure you want this? Shut up, give me the phone.
Hello? Hi.
How are you? Guess what.
I killed Sarah Schuster.
You promise? Well, you know I promise.
I'm not worried about you.
Yes, I promise, I won't tell Bette that we knew it before she knew.
You're gonna have to be so good.
You can't have any more fun, uh-uh! I know.
No red meat, no additives, no Margaritas, wine, beer and no Xanax! No matter how stressed-out I get.
No more smack, no more crack, and no more blow.
I'm going to do everything right.
I'm going to be as together about this as Bette is to her work.
We're going to have a family.
Oh, my god.
Well, I have to go.
So, I'll talk to you later.
Lips are sealed, promise.
Tina, um, the reason I came is Bette told me there was a letter here for me? Oh! Yeah! That's right.
I'm sorry.
It's from David.
You okay? Wow yeah.
I haven't heard from him in 5 years.
Okay! You and Bette are gonna be great parents.
Thanks, baby.
Now, go on! Go call her before you explode! I'm outta here! I was completely done with her, so I just decided she needed to go.
Oh, Nick, of course I value your opinion.
You were the first! You are? Okay.
Yes, I would love to! I would absa-absa-absolutely love to.
You have a tan? Oh, my god, do you still look like George Hamilton? I understand your concerns.
The, uh, Bill Viola went to Seattle, he could maybe do 2005.
Tina.
Still on line 3.
Thank you.
Yes, great talking to you, too.
Okay.
Allright, bye.
Baby, I cannot talk right now.
Okay, okay.
I'll make it really quick.
Just promise me that you'll come home for dinner tonight.
I'm cooking.
That's gonna be a tough one to swing.
Please, it's really important.
I'll take care of you.
I'll make it all better.
The only way you can make it all better is if you come up with a show for my big, gaping spring slot.
Sheldon Tomlin's on 2.
Fuck Sheldon Tomlin! Baby, I can't talk right now.
I will try tonight, that is the best I can do.
Okay? Okay.
Try.
Okay.
Bye.
Sheldon! Thank you so much for calling me back.
Y - no, it's true.
Well, you know, MOCA is a big institution, it's hard to compete.
Look, um, the reason that I was calling you What you're about to hear is the sound of me eating my words.
Sheldon, I would like to book "Impressions In Winter" and I hope that you don't hold it against me that Franklin didn't tell me anything.
That is absolutely not true.
No, the C.
A.
C.
is not in turmoil! No! Of course.
You know, and nothing personal on my part, either.
Okay.
Bye.
Franklin headed this way.
God, dammit, does it ever fucking stop? She in? Uh, no, not yet.
I see.
Would you tell her that the board is convening for an unscheduled meeting tomorrow evening? And she would be well-advised to attend.
Franklin! What are you doing talking to my door? I'm off to my Bernard Riddle meeting.
He's got half a million dollars he wants to lay on some museum, somewhere in Los Angeles that's doing anything remotely progressive.
Bernard Riddle? He's way out of your league, dear.
He may be out of the C.
A.
C.
's league, Franklin, but he's certainly not out of mine.
Okay, guys.
I just saw the cutest guy I've ever seen in my life.
What? I don't wanna talk about it.
You don't want to talk about what? Something happen with you and Lara? No.
I'm just never having sex again, that's all.
Easy, Dana, come on.
I've never been more humiliated or embarrassed or ashamed of anything in my entire life.
What, did she tie you up and leave you? No, nothing like that.
Okay, okay.
Yep.
I have a friend, she went down on a girl, she was down there and she sneezed.
Is that it? Gross.
It wasn't me, it was a friend.
So what, what what what.
God, you're killing me.
Did you queef? Did I see, I don't even know what that is.
Is that Okay, is that what happened? She female-ejaculated.
Wow, Miss Dana.
Wow, this Lara must be a killer in bed, huh? Yeah uh, yeah, yeah she That's a good thing? Dana! Women strive for this! They read books about the G-spot.
They go to workshops.
Oh, my god, you should be totally and utterly ecstatic.
Oh, my god, there he is.
Tell me he's not the cutest guy you've ever seen? Oh, Lis! Shane! Hey! How are you doing? How are you? Um, these are my friends.
This is Alice, and this is Dana.
Guys, this is Lisa.
Hi.
Lisa? That's Lisa.
Oh, shit.
Oh, god, it's my mother.
Excuse me.
Hello, mother.
What do you mean you're in L.
A.
, wh - where are you? Who is that? Forget it, man.
Are you sure? Yeah, she, uh well, she doesn't want to be a lesbian anymore.
Since when? Well, she was dating one of those hot-and-cold chicks, and well, she got her heart completely busted.
No! I - okay.
I can't come because I have to go to w - I have to go to work in, like, a half an hour.
It's a shame.
Yeah.
That's no reason to swear off being a lesbian.
I agree.
Maybe I can change her mind.
Wait.
I'm sorry, I don't think I don't know if you've noticed, but you're a guy.
Lisa's a lesbian.
I'm a lesbian-identified man.
I know.
Okay.
Well, my mom's at The Plaza, there's been some sort of misunderstanding, and she's been here for 5 fucking days.
Well, tell her I said hi.
Hey, is she still with that stunt guy? Ask her.
Bye, Alice.
Bye Bye It's mom she's totally I totally understand.
Okay guys, I'll see ya later.
Bye, Al.
Sweetie! I was planning on calling you tomorrow.
Oh, it's been so crazy.
I'm here for the new Gerard Lichtman film and he's just been so demanding of my time.
Did you know he has 5 Standard poodles? Gerard Lichtman, wow, really.
Yeah.
Of course, they haven't set up the production offices yet, the financing is coming from some Australian beer conglomerate.
So, I'm covering the hotel myself, which is fine, except that, uh, I'm having a slight cash flow problem at the moment, and this manager's being a total dick.
Excuse me.
I'm a huge fan of Dynasty.
I loved you as Alexis! Thank you.
Actually, I was Blair in Empire Falls.
Moron.
Mom.
I have to go to work.
So what do you want.
Oh, Alice, please, can't you talk to him for me? He's exhausted me.
Okay.
Allright.
Stay here and I will take care of this.
So, all her credit cards were declined? I'm afraid so.
We have to collect, she's over our limit.
Right.
But she'll have it in like a day or two.
She's here to be in a Gerard Lichtman film, so Really? Yeah.
I loved Blaunacht.
It should've won the Oscar for Best Foreign Film.
Right.
And you know, sometimes they start payroll after production started.
I'm sure you guys deal with celebrities all the time.
So I know.
But, uh she's at our limit.
Right.
Okay.
I mean, I can take care of this, it's not a problem.
So what are we looking at? Well, I have a printout of the bill.
The total comes to five thousand, nine hundred sixty-eight, forty-two.
I'm s - I'm sorry, you said - Dollars.
That be cash or credit card? I'm sorry.
How could anybody spend five thousand dollars on a hotel room.
That doesn't - Well, the suite is $950 a night.
Uh, she was here for five days.
There was room service, and I believe she made a few phone calls.
Right.
Oh, mother.
Well, obviously I'm good for the money! I'm not some sort of con-artist! As soon as this job comes through, just send me the bill.
You could always hawk those pants.
Aren't they great? Are you being sarcastic? So, uh Nick is in town, huh? It's the MLA convention.
I told him that we were getting married and you know what he said? "Congratulations".
Really? You know what? Nick Brashkov is, like, this pretentious asshole who milks his minor literary stature by fucking these impressionable, young undergrads.
Okay, you have to give me some more credit.
Please? Y- You know the men's slalom's on.
I've been waiting all night for this.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Yeah.
Okay.
Come on.
Where are you? I'm right - I'm right here.
You look like you're someplace else.
No, no, I'm right here.
Really? Yeah.
C'mere.
It's okay.
I am fucking dying out there! These Philistines are just breaking my - No.
Tina you invited someone to dinner? I've had the worst fucking day, the last thing on earth I want to do is to have to make con - I love you.
I love you.
I love you.
I love you.
I love you.
I love you.
I called Dr.
Wilson and she said we should come in tomorrow, for an ultra-sound.
Just to confirm the results.
I am sorry I was such an asshole.
I'm sorry you had such a bad day.
I'm sure everything is gonna be okay.
Sure it will.
Yeah.
We're gonna have a baby.
We are.
We are.
I love you.
I love you, too.
I tell you, you're good with your mama, you're good all over.
Ai.
Allright, just give me a triple shot.
You guys, my mother's living with me until her job starts and it's not fun.
Wow.
What's with Mopey Pants? What is it, Dana, are you having embarrassing multiple orgasms now? No.
Just, Lara hasn't called me.
And it's been, like It's been 21 hours.
Well, how'd you leave it? I left without saying anything.
From your own apartment.
I was really embarrassed, Alice! James, I really don't think they're going to do that.
You didn't do anything.
If they do, I'll just make a bunch of phone calls and give you an amazing recommendation, okay? I like your scarf.
And this is for the baby.
I made it just for you.
Congratulations.
Allright, I know.
Ok, I was excited and just congratulations.
Seriously, guys, it's so amazing.
Congrats.
Wait, wait, wait.
What's happening? Why's everybody congratulating you guys? Tina's having a baby.
They're pregnant! Oh, my god.
Congratulations! Wow! Am I always the last to know these things? It's okay, Dana.
I was second-to-last.
Check it out.
This is where you take the flower.
C'mere, I'm sorry.
God.
So fucking cute.
Yuck.
Yeah, well you could have waited until she left to do the pregnancy test.
Maybe you want Alice to be your Lamaze partner too, and in fact, you know, really I'm surprised you didn't invite her to come with us for the ultra-sound.
I'm sorry.
Look, I know how stressed you are.
I'm trying to leave you alone.
But sometimes I need someone to share a moment with.
Is that really so wrong? No.
It's sad.
Allright, ladies, let's keep it moving! I'm so sorry.
I had to beg Durst to make up my physics exam.
Turn right back around, Trish.
You don't come to practice on time, don't bother coming.
But, Tim, I was - What? You're grown-up, right? Why don't you take some responsibility? All these women are in the water already.
Go on.
Tim, what the hell are you doing? Get her in the water, now! Randy, she's fucking up.
We can't just let her set her own schedule - Trish! Get back here! Go get her.
Trish What? Is that what you called to tell me? I can't hear that right now.
Okay? Are you ready? Yeah.
Bye.
So, we'll just apply a little bit of lubricant here and here we go.
You comfortable? Allright.
And there's your left ovary.
And that looks like it would've been a follicle.
And there You see that little heartbeat? Is that our baby? That's your baby.
Oh, god.
Oh, my god.
Oh, my god.
Left on third.
Gerard is insisting on spending the entire afternoon with me.
Last time I saw him, my god, we talked about everything: films that inspired him as a child in Berlin my divorce.
It was as if we'd known each other for years.
Left, left! Mom! I've lived in this city my whole life, I know how to get to Pico! God! We wouldn't have been late if you hadn't spent 15 minutes in the bathroom.
Do I look okay? Huh? Good, you look great.
You do.
You really do.
You could take a little more time with your face, you know.
You might have a girlfriend by now.
Mother fucker! Asshole! God! Jesus! Knock 'em dead, mom.
Don't worry so much.
You're getting this big wrinkle.
You're starting to look like Ernest Borgnine.
Sign in at the front desk, they'll give you sides.
What is this? It's an open call for the part of Mrs.
Simons, alien 1, 2 and 3, and Ted's grandmother.
"Curse of the Romalians: Return to Gondor Part 2.
" Is this a Lichtman film? Gerard Lichtman.
The German director.
The director is Matt Fried, he's 22 and he's from Pasadena.
Plus, he's a total asshole.
Hey, man.
Can I talk to you for a second? About what? Trish? Yeah, well, look.
Trish needs support right now.
She doesn't need to be chewed out in front of the whole team.
Yeah? Well, I don't, either.
I'm just trying to do my job.
You're right.
Look, man, I'm sorry if I was harsh out there, but this is the reality of our situation.
Without Trish Peverell, we shouldn't bother showing up next week.
Really? And on that note, I got ahold of the physics midterm.
She's gonna take it on Monday.
There's no way I'm just turning that test over to Trish.
Would you relax? No one is talking about cheating.
I'm talking about giving you the test so that you know how to tutor her.
Know what direction to lead her in, that's all.
C'mon.
You are a tense man, right now, you know that? Listen, why don't we go get a couple of beers, chill out a bit? It's on me.
I can't.
What, you and Jenny got plans? No.
Jenny's going out to dinner with one of her old professors.
Oh! Wait.
Not the blow-job one? The one she wrote that story about? Oh, hell no! You're letting your fiancée go out with a dude whose dick's been in her mouth? Don't fucking say that! I don't own her, allright, she's her own woman.
No, she's not.
Not since she put that ring on her finger and said "yes".
Man, you have got to put your foot down.
No.
The whole caveman thing, it's not my style.
This ain't got nothin' to do with caveman, allright, this is about trust, pure and simple.
You don't trust her, you don't marry her.
I'm sorry to sound so harsh, man, but those are the rules of the game.
I trust her.
K? Yeah.
Talk to you later, allright? Have a seat.
I'll forego the blindfold.
Miss Porter, as I'm sure you're aware, the position of director of this museum involves more than merely pulling collections out of hats.
It involves image.
It involves relationships.
Okay, you have to tell me what you thought of my story.
I'm so flattered that you value my opinion.
Nicolas, of course I value your opinion, you're the most brilliant wonderfully smart editor that I've ever had.
What do you think of the tie? I think it's fucking sleazy.
Excellent.
Well, your story, if you really want to know I do.
I thought was utter bullshit from beginning to end.
I mean, beautifully written you always write exquisitely, but swans? They mate for life.
Sure, and they have brains the size of ping-pong balls.
I mean, where's your edge, Jennifer? Where's your nihilistic passion? Where's the girl that masturbated in church? Shhh.
I mean "And he would've died for her, and she would've died for him.
" What's that about? It's about fucking commitment, you know.
Really? Yes.
Well, It reads like spackle.
Now, I know you're marrying the coach, but if this is meant as a wedding present, I'd keep it between you and him.
Because you're more complex than this.
What did you think, just then? Where did you go? Nowhere.
You're obfuscating.
Nothing.
Listen, Jennifer.
Commitment is dreary.
It's not your thing.
You have to dig deeper.
Tell me something interesting.
I've been doing these really terrible things.
Where the hell is the director's office?! This place is like a god-damned labyrinth.
Any moment I expect to run into the Minotaur! Hi.
Can I help you? Yes, well, you certainly look like a very capable young man.
Which is fortunate since I'm rather at your mercy.
I need to find Bette Porter or Xandra Rosenman.
Well, they're both in a meeting.
In there? Oh, good.
Take them for a moment, would you please? Get them some more water.
You can't go in there! That's a board of director's meeting, ma'am! Get your hand off me if you want to go on living and breathing.
Peggy Peabody, what are you doing here? Peggy? Xandra.
I got your call.
What is this about Franklin firing Bette Porter? Let me just say, Franklin and anyone else who may be involved in this little cabal If you fire Bette Porter, I'll have to reconsider lending my collection to the C.
A.
C.
Miss Porter is far and away the most qualified person in Los Angeles to preside over an exhibit like "Provocations".
I thought "Provocations" was going through MOCA? Well, it's not, Franklin, it's going to your up and coming little museum! But only on one condition.
Ms.
Porter.
I'll need a guarantee from you that you will remain with the C.
A.
C.
at least until "Provocations" moves on to the Walker in the summer.
Well, I'm not in the position to - Miss Porter has 6 months remaining on her contract, Peggy.
We have every intention of honoring it, despite what you may have heard about being fired.
Well, let's just forget about that, then.
Do you have an option in the contract? Of course we do.
Uh, 18 months, I believe.
I suggest you exercise it here and now.
By the time "Provocations" debuts at the C.
A.
C.
, Miss Porter will already have been wooed by every museum in the country.
Wow.
That's interesting.
You've fallen in love with a woman.
No, no, no, I don't know if it's love.
It might be sort of like this, you know, fantastic, sort of, like, demon possession sort of thing.
Oh, stop it, don't look so shocked.
I'm not shocked.
I'm surprised, I'm excited it's exotic.
Oh, shut up, you pervert.
A demon possession.
That's it, that's what you have to take and run with and when you write about - what's her name? Marina.
When you write about Marina, you must dig, you must delve, you must open up and eviscerate everything.
You do your best work when you lay bare your remarkable emotions.
Coach.
What a surprise.
I'm looking for Jenny.
And I just bet you're going to tell me she's not here.
She's not here.
We had dinner downstairs, but she left 15 minutes ago.
Come in and have a look, I'll get you a drink.
Absolutely.
Bonjour.
(Good evening) Bonjour.
Do you have a minute for me? But of course.
Très bien.
(Very good) Do you see those two girls over there? Give them this and tell them de la part de Marina.
Well.
Look at your beautiful dress.
What can I get you? Let's cut the bullshit, Nick.
Look.
Jenny and I have a passionate relationship, but, uh, currently it's purely intellectual.
Okay? And coach? Congratulations.
Oh-oh Hey.
Uh Oh! Oh! Um there's no time for pleasantries, because Tim is outside, by the bar, so Fuck.
No, it's crowded, and he'll never see you.
C'mon.
I'll cover you.
You're welcome, by the way.
Ahhh! Congratulations! Baby girl! Who all's here? Oh, the usual suspects.
Hey, um what did David have to say? Oh nothing nothing much.
Kit.
This is forms for a medical history.
Yeah, but he wrote something on it.
He wrote you a letter on a post-it? "Dear Kit, I hope you are well.
I need some family medical history for my application to a residency program.
" "I've enclosed a self-addressed, stamped envelope for you to send the forms.
Grandfather tells me that you are in a 12-step program and I want to offer you my support in that endeavor.
I wish you success with the positive changes you are making in your life.
Your son, David Waters.
" I'm sorry.
Hey, you know I wasn't around to teach him how to write a letter.
You're here! Hey! C'mon Okay, go on, go on, get out there.
I'll be out there in a minute.
Brava! The conquering heroine! Thank you.
Cheers.
It's just one sip.
I'm so happy for you.
For us.
For us.
I'm sitting in the chair, writhing in agony.
A demon, a minor demon, is pinning me there, fucking with my head.
Abraxas, he says, I'm Abraxas.
The demon of lies and deceit.
So.
What do you want to know about lies, my dear? I'm not a liar.
I try again to get up, this time I'm flayed, splayed I feel myself screaming.
I'll tell you about lies.
There are white lies and black lies and many shades of grey lies.
But some lies are justified.
Lies told out of kindness.
Lies that preserve dignity.
I haven't had a single bit of work done.
How old do you think I am? Lies that spare pain.
Maybe 40? Everybody's a liar, dear.
Look at that happening.
She's about to tell her lover something patently untrue.
I just want you to know that whatever had happened tonight in that board meeting, we would have been fine.
Look at their gestures.
See how they touch each other too intimately.
How they avert their eyes and cover their mouths.
They lick their teeth.
And hold their chins.
They embellish their stories with far too much detail.
Anyway, I was shooting this story with Truffaut and Anouk Aimée, and I had this big scene with her lover in the film, and of course that day Anouk shows up on the set.
But I don't care, because I know exactly what I'm gonna do with the scene, and at the end of the scene, I have my big closeup, and of course everything happens, my god, the emotion comes up, I chase it away, I bring it back, it's rich, it's full, it's subtle.
And at the end of the take, Truffaut turns to Anouk and says, "Zat is ze way you should act.
" Can you imagine? Working? Yeah.
Nick was such a pompous ass.
He ripped me to shreds.
I don't like the sound of that.
No, it's - it's good.
It's good.
I feel like I'm on to something.
Right.
Well, I'll, uh, leave you to it.
Tim? Can you stay here with me?