The L Word s01e06 Episode Script

Losing it

1 Hey, Roxanne, you got time to lean, you got time to clean.
Let's go.
That's more like it.
What a tool.
(breathes heavily) I don't want him comin' back no more No, I don't want him comin' back no more No, I don't want him comin' back no more Oh, good, he brought him.
Divine, no? - Hey! - Ah, ah, ah! No, no, no! Who raised you, wolves? We make with some introductions before we reach for the drugs.
- What the fuck? - Harry, Shane.
Shane, Harry.
You are delicious.
- Why didn't you tell him? - I didn't have a chance.
- Tell me what? - Well, Harry, Shane's a Shane's a what? An ex-con? A murderer, perhaps? Please tell me you're not heterosexual! I'm a girl.
(laughs) My, my, my! Androgyny confounds, doesn't it? I suppose it's revolutionary but I must admit I am disappointed because it's always the skinny boys that have Ooh!.
the biggest cocks.
You're a fucking charmer.
Just gorgeous.
Ooh! I don't want Is there anything I can do for you? Anything at all? - You don't feel sick, do you? - Just awake.
That's good, though.
You can sleep on the plane.
We'll have a couple of hours at the hotel before the opening.
If you could have anything right now, what would it be? Something cold.
Like sorbet, only sweeter.
Like those rocket popsicle things.
A Slurpee.
(pumping music) Shane and I turned tricks in Santa Monica for six months.
Really? What did What did our friend do? She only gave hand jobs, no matter how much they offered her.
- She could've made a lot of money.
- That is called integrity.
Unfortunately, it's not something that you can buy or steal.
D'you think I don't know, d'you think she would? Shane? No, no.
She's through with that.
She's a hairstylist now.
Well, sort of a junior assistant shampoo girl, aspiring - So, are you good at it? - Good at what? Because I am going to send you Cherie Jaffe, my business partner's wife.
If there's a corporation of Hollywood wives, Cherie Jaffe is the CEO.
- So what? - So, if she likes what you do to her, you'll be the hottest hairdresser Hollywood has ever seen.
- Have a bump, Clive.
- Thank you.
Is this not the coolest-looking bullet you've ever seen? Good.
- Oh, it's not blow.
What is that? - Everyone does Oxy now.
Hey, Harry loves you.
You're gonna be huge.
- Thank you.
- Nice work.
Was I making too much noise? No, I just Tina had a late-night craving.
Ti D'you wanna talk about it? - I'm a fucking idiot.
- No, you're not.
I never would have figured Jenny would ever be unfaithful.
I married her, Bette.
Eight hours after I found her with Marina's head between her legs, we're saying "I do" in some white trash chapel in Tahoe.
- Oh.
- Yeah.
See what I mean? We do crazy things sometimes when we think we're gonna lose someone.
I completely understand why you did it.
I just woke up in the middle of the night in that hotel room I'd never felt so empty, so just so full of nothing.
And I left her there.
I just walked out on her.
And now I've no idea where she is.
Listen, I know I know it must really hurt, but .
Jenny is a writer.
You know? I mean, writers crave experience.
What if that's all it was with Marina? What? Craving experience? You think so? I think it was you fucking dykes Don't curse us all.
Tina and I left your dinner party because we didn't wanna be any part of it.
Oh, my You didn't know it was already going on then? Tim, I didn't I'm so sorry.
I I didn't say anything I didn't know what to do.
You're my friend and sometimes people kill the messenger.
- How long was it going on? - You should ask Jenny.
- Somebody tell me the truth! - About a month.
- How many times? - I don't know.
10? 100? Bette, I thought we were friends.
I am your friend.
I ju I don't know.
I'm sorry.
Tim, for you my heart.
Ripped from my chest.
Eviscerated I am.
(phone) Hello? No, I don't wanna fucking switch long-distance companies.
We're staying at the SoHo Grand and the museum is mid-town so the car has to be there by 6.
30 so we have plenty of time to sit in traffic.
OK? All right.
Thanks, James.
Do you feel really awful? You can sleep the whole plane ride.
We're in first class.
The Peabody Foundation actually put my name on the invitation.
We're not "Bette Porter and guest".
I am gonna pamper you.
You won't have to do a thing.
I can practically carry you there.
OK? - Ooh - You're really not up to this, are you? No, I'm fine, I'm fine.
I'm gonna pull it together.
I am.
Oh OK.
I'm just gonna sit down.
- I just need to breathe.
- Baby .
your health is the most important thing in our lives right now.
If you need to stay home, I will be OK.
Are you sure? This is so important for you.
I really wanna be there.
I would rather you came.
But I want you to do what your body is telling you to do.
- OK? - I'm sorry.
I wish I felt better.
Gurudev recommended a Chinese herbalist who has a cure for morning sickness.
- That's good.
If Gurudev said - (doorbell) You know I'm really worried about leaving you here by yourself.
- No, I'm gonna be fine.
Don't worry.
- (doorbell) I just can't believe I'm not going to New York with you.
I want you to call me any time, for any reason.
You will, right? I love you.
- Love you.
Good luck.
- Thanks.
Oh, God.
- We can have go-go dancers.
Girly girls.
- No.
We need super-butch girls that don't take off their clothes.
Unless they want to.
Uh OK, what are we gonna call it? - What about Fuckwad? - Boring.
- Labia.
- Labia's too clinical.
Yeah, too '70s.
OK, how about - .
Twat? - Ooh, Twat is great.
I love Twat.
- Me, too.
- Done.
Twat: The Night.
- Will people get angry? - They'll just have to deal with it.
It's not like we don't have penises in our face every day.
- Twat: The Night.
"Deal with it.
" - Girls Go Twat! Shane, where are you? It is really lonely here at The Planet.
Your roommates are saying "twat" like they have Tourette's syndrome.
Dana and Lara were giving me the "We fucked all night and no one else matters" vibe.
It was gross.
I wish you'd come and be surly and cynical with me.
All right.
Mind if I join you? Hi! No.
I mean yeah.
(laughs) Did your mom get the part in that movie? Wow! I can't believe you you remembered that.
I was worried.
You seemed pretty stressed when she phoned.
It got a lot worse, but that's boring.
You don't wanna hear about it.
- Talk to me.
- OK.
Um All right.
Well, my mother spent all her money.
There was never any part in any movie.
Let's see.
She's in debt up the wazoo, so her Palm Springs condo's been foreclosed on, and my brother and sister think that I should let her live with me because they're married, they have children, the whole deal.
They think you're inherently less-than.
They treat you like a serf and order you around because you haven't embraced their conventional values.
They think just because they have traditional families and cleave to the ruling class model, you should give up your freedom and autonomy.
Just because we haven't followed their strict, limiting, bullshit path to legitimise ourselves in their eyes.
That's exactly what I was trying to say.
Shane! Shane! Get inside and get cleaned up before one of our clients sees you! - Hey, John.
- Don't you "Hey, John" me! - You are a frightening mess! - Oh, shit.
I do not care what skanky things you did to which people to get into this state, but I will not tolerate you bringing that skank into my shop! - Yeah, I hear I hear you.
- Get out.
Oh OK.
I'm coming.
Hey! I was just gonna call you.
Bette told me to let you sleep till 10.
- She called you? - At six this morning.
How are you feeling? I'm fine now that I've puked up most of my internal organs.
Dr Wilson suggested progesterone suppositories, but I'm gonna go to this Chinese herbalist this afternoon.
Can I get you some tea? Something bland to nibble on? Oh, thanks, I can get it myself.
No, it's my pleasure.
This is such a beautiful and crazy time in a woman's body.
I'm jealous my body will never experience what you're experiencing right now.
Hello? Hi, I'm looking for a guest: Jenny Schecter.
Oh, I'm sorry.
The room's under Tim Haspel, H-A-S-P Sorry, what time did she check out? (Tim) Fuck, Jenny! (Jenny) In addition to my heart, there are some small organs I want to give you: glands, sweetbreads, variety meats.
4 a.
We can't file this until your wife has been gone at least 48 hours.
Can I give you a description? Then if she's still not back you have the information.
- You'll have to come back.
- That doesn't make sense.
- I need to tell you what's going on - We're just here for our parking passes.
Will you hang on? I'm talking.
OK? All right.
I'm sorry.
Let me try this again, OK? My girlf I mean my wife is upset right now.
She's not thinking clearly.
She was cheating on me with a woman.
- And then we got married.
- Oh, my God I'm fucking serious! Shut up! - If you find her, don't return her to him.
- Mr Haspel There's nothing the police can do at this time.
What if it was my boyfriend? Would you help me then? - Probably.
- That's enough.
Can you hold on for a second? Hi, can I help you? Holding.
Miss Zimmer, welcome to Lather.
You're such a long way from your studio.
I came directly from lunch.
I'm here to see Shane.
Um, well I'll go and get her.
Wait here for a second.
I'll see if she's ready.
Have a seat.
- Shane.
Shane! - What? For God's sakes! Ellie Zimmer is at the front desk! - Who the fuck is Ellie Zimmer? - Studio chief, trend princess.
Friend of Madonna and J.
Lo both at the same time.
Oh, yeah.
Harry I know her.
Harry sent her.
Do you have any idea how huge this is? Ellie Zimmer here.
And in your hands.
Lord help us.
For God's sakes, clean up! Come on! Miss Zimmer.
Shane will be right with you.
In the meantime, can I offer you a chai tea, a latte, my new screenplay? Is that Shane? Yeah, in all of her glory.
I love Harry.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- You want one? - Fuck.
Pretty, pretty please.
Come on, Jenny, just have a shroom.
This guy is the best.
After my car accident, he fixed me up good as new.
Now I've brought my boyfriend for his back problems.
What are you here for? Is that an inappropriate question? I guess it is.
Morning sickness.
I'm really hoping that it's gonna work.
He is a miracle worker.
I - What did he say, Marcus? - Marcus.
Oh, my God.
Bette and I We were gonna call you! - We - Don't tell me.
- We are.
We're pregnant! - Congratulations! That's awesome! Isn't it great? For you my heart.
Why are you here? Um 'Cause you gave me a ride.
No, I mean why are you here? Why were you hitchhiking? What's up? - Are you running away from something? - No, I'm not running away.
- Did you commit a crime? - I didn't commit a crime.
What was it, then? You did something bad.
It's just that I had this boyfriend this husband .
named Tim.
And I love him very much.
And then I I fell, just like And then I met this woman named Marina.
And I had this affair.
And then Tim found out.
- So you're, like, a lesbian? - I don't know.
Dude, you should be really careful about that.
My friends Roxanne and Katie got busted being lesbos in the restaurant where they worked.
They were going down on each other and the manager saw and he ratted them out to their parents.
They got sent away to boarding school and one of them killed herself.
Oh, that's really horrible.
So be careful.
Those weren't her friends.
It was an After School Special.
She totally died.
- Sperm donor? You never told me.
- It's not a big deal.
Not a big deal? Listen, the life cycle of a sperm cell is 72 hours! The sperm you gave her was in you when we made love! - Those are not your sperms to give! - I'm sorry, I think that you - What's your name again? - What's your fucking name? What if we decide to have a baby? That would be a half-brother or sister.
Were you thinking we'll all get together for Christmas? Birthdays? - Or were you planning never to tell me? - You're way ahead of yourself.
Way ahead of myself? You are planting your seed all over creation and I'm ahead of myself? You're an asshole! And that means you're behind yourself! I'm going to have to tell you to take this outside! Take yourself outside! Bye, Marcus.
You! Outside! - What? - Yes, you! Outside! What are you writing? A letter to Tim.
- Will you read it to me? - Mm-mm.
- Please.
- No.
Jesus Christ! Would you please read to him? OK.
For you my heart.
Ripped from my chest.
Eviscerated I am.
And if I could, I would plunge my fingers through my chest .
and rip out my heart and give it to you.
A pulpy mass of morbid diathesis.
What's diathesis? Um It's like a susceptibility to disease.
It's like all those parts of me that are .
susceptible to invasion.
Morbid diathesis, morbid diathesis, morbid diathesis, morbid diathesis.
But that would mean it would be putrid.
What good would it do to offer Tim a pile of sick meat? Please read some more.
In addition to my heart .
there are some small organs I want to give you: glands, sweetbreads .
variety meats.
It's not fair to me.
How can you do this? What kind of woman wants a child by a man she barely knows? You have not heard the end of this; I know the legal system.
I can tell you, Marcus and I have rights over this child.
And I will sue if I have to.
Baby? God, I'm really flipping out right now.
Something horrible just happened! I just I really need to talk to you.
Where are you? OK, you're probably on your way to MonA.
Don't worry.
I'm gonna be OK.
Just call me when you get this.
Fuck! You are a hair genius, Shane.
No one else is gonna touch me.
It looks great, really fantastic.
Nice work, Shane.
I might have done something just a little different May I touch you? Right here.
Oh, now that's perfect.
D'you wanna come to a screening of the new Steven Soderbergh film tomorrow? - I'm free.
- Shane? Yeah, um It sounds kind of beast.
But thank you.
- Call me.
- OK.
Don't you just love her? - She's the best.
- Fantastic.
- Any time.
- Bye.
(chatting) It's Al.
Dana and snookums said they bringing you chow so I'll come over after my situation.
That's what I call dinner when I have no idea if it's a date.
(beep) Hi, it's Dana.
Lara and I will be over at seven.
We'll get a takeout from the Thai place.
- (beep) - T, it's Shane.
Bette called and said we should still do poker.
(beep) You can't walk away from me.
It's easy for me to find out where you live.
That is not your baby! Baby, I'm sorry to bother you but I'm desperate.
Something terrible's happening and I really need to talk to you.
OK? All right, so call me back.
Please? I would have left, too, man.
I wouldn't have gone in the first place.
But you did the right thing.
You had to clear your head.
- I'm worried.
There are sickos out there.
- Carolyn Well, she left the motel when? Day before yesterday? Nobody's heard from her? She hasn't checked in at all? - Fuck! - Has anybody called her mother? - Somebody should check with her mother.
- Sandy.
Shit! Marcus is my boyfriend.
And I am not (banging on door) Oh, God! Thank God you're here.
She called again.
This woman is crazy.
- Who is she? - You think she'll come over? She seemed capable of anything.
Let's check all the doors and windows.
- That's a good idea.
You're so smart.
- No, you're the smart one.
- Only in cooking.
- And photography.
- You have mind and body intelligence.
- No, you do.
- No, you do.
- Shut up.
I said it first.
I said it second.
It's Tim.
Yeah, Timothy.
Actually, not so good.
Sandy, I don't know where Jennifer is.
She's missing.
I'm kind of worried, to tell you the truth.
I didn't wanna alarm you, I just thought you should know and What? When? No.
No, I don't think she's insane at all.
No, I think she knows exactly what she's doing, Sandy.
I'm glad she's all right, too.
I need to go.
All right? Yeah.
- Damn it! - Calm down.
What happened? - She called her mother over an hour ago.
- She's OK.
That's good.
So where the fuck is she? If I had to guess, I'd say she'd probably Thanks a lot for coming over.
- Where are you going? - I need to get out of here.
- Hi.
- Hey.
Liquor in the front, poker in the rear.
D'you have to make that joke every time? Yes, I do.
So, what's happening with the psycho lady? Is she still calling? - We unplugged the phone.
- Dollar ante.
You in, Lise? One for the lady.
- Yeah.
- She went right to Peggy? God, that takes balls.
What's her name? Bette Porter.
I was extremely impressed how you went up in the face of the big boys.
- I am honoured to meet you.
- Wow.
Thank you.
The sister that snatched the show from under MOCA's nose.
(knocking) Kit, liquor in the front, poker in the rear.
Neither, thanks.
Hey are you OK? Oh, what is wrong with my baby sister to leave her pregnant wife all alone for some crazy-ass bitch to go off on? Bring her on.
I wish she would bring her face up in here.
That would be the last time.
Look at all these women! And dude.
We will kick ass.
- Damn right.
- What's wrong with her? I'm sure the man has enough sperm for everybody.
Yeah! Jenny! Jenny! - Where is she? - Why don't you come in? - Where is she? - Not here.
You need to calm down.
Don't tell me to calm down, you vulture.
Where is she? Jenny told me she never wanted to see me again.
You have no conscience, do you? When you were eating at my house, did you think for a second that maybe your actions? Look at me! That it might not be altogether honourable? - Honourable? - You don't know what that means? Or is it just not important to you? That fucking kills me, you just standing there saying nothing! You lie to me! You get my girlfriend to lie to me too and you have nothing to say? Jenny's responsible for her own actions.
As we all are.
- I don't think it's me you're angry with.
- Don't tell me how I feel.
Do not! You preyed on her, played phoney intellectual games to get into her pants.
You know what? You are fucking pathetic, Marina.
Do you hear me? You think that's funny? You find that fucking funny? - Look at me.
- Yes.
What is it you do, you girls? Should I even care? Huh? Does it even count? Well, you were there.
You saw how much it counts.
- You need to leave now.
- Don't fucking touch me! Jenny's not here.
Then get out of here.
What are you trying to prove? What do you think? - I don't know, Tim.
You tell me.
- Look at me! Do you think I'm fucking joking? No.
- That's it.
- Really? (mutters, sighs) OK, so what's the scoop? Is the lesbo man dating the fake bisexual? - I am a bisexual.
- OK, I'm confused.
Well, Lisa over here is a lesbian-identified man.
- Like a transsexual? - No.
I wonder how he pees.
Sitting down? - You think, Shane? - I've never peed with him.
I don't know.
(toilet flushes) Are you into him as a lesbian or a man? Maybe you should call yourself a trisexual.
Damn, what is it with you people and your need to take apart everything? If the dude wanna give up his white-man rights to be a second-class citizen, then hey, welcome to our world.
She's got a point.
I'm sorry.
Welcome to the fold.
Welcome to the heavenly gates.
(recording) First message.
(Tina) Baby? God, I'm really flipping out right now.
Something horrible just happened! I just I really need to talk to you.
- (Bette) Hi.
Leave a message after the beep.
- (beep) (machine) The mailbox is full.
Please try again later.
Yeah, hi, Roger.
It's me, Bette.
Did Kit say what the emergency was? How long ago did Tina call? OK.
All right.
I need to go to the SoHo Grand.
I can't sleep.
Me neither.
Everyone else can.
What are you doing? - No, don't.
We can't.
- Who says? (heavy breathing) (gasps) - I'm finding this sexy.
What about you? - We have to be really quiet.
- (moaning) - (clears throat) Shit! Shit! (giggles) God, it's not funny! (computer) You missed your turn.
Make a U-turn at the lights.
Don't listen to that bitch.
Just go straight.
Are you sure? How are you feeling, Malcolm? I wish I was Tim.
He's such a lucky guy.
Getting all those gifts from you.
If only you knew, Malcolm.
Hello, this is Bette Porter Oh, Peggy.
I'm sorry, I didn't mean to wake you.
Something has come up and I'm not gonna be able to make it to your dinner.
I'm sorry.
No, I'm on my way to Los Angeles right now.
I know you did.
I'm really I'm very, very sorry.
My my partner and I are having a baby and .
she's 11 weeks pregnant and I'm worried something might have happened to her.
Thank you.
I really appreciate that.
- Hi.
Leave a message after the beep.
- (beep) (machine) The mailbox is full.
Please try again later.
(knocking on door) It could be her.
I'm so sorry.
I had no idea Lei Ling was gonna be so upset.
I should've just waited and called you.
She's calmed down now but I told her not to phone you again.
I tried to call you, but your voice mailbox is full.
- Oh, shit.
- OK.
Good to see you.
Take care.
I'm so glad you dropped by.
Oh, shit! The phone's still unplugged.
(beep) This is Lei Ling Listen, lady If you think - I won't be ignored! - What a psycho.
Bette didn't call.
This is Bette.
Leave a message here or try me at the CAC.
Her cell phone's not answering.
- Call her hotel.
- Oh.
Bette Porter, please.
What? Are you sure? Um OK.
She checked out.
That's so weird.
Where's she gonna go? - She had to sleep somewhere.
- I'm sure it's fine.
She's got a million things and Maybe she didn't like the sheets at the hotel, or something.
Right? - Yeah, that's probably it.
- It's nothing.
Yay, momma's home.
- Are you OK? - Yeah.
- Is the baby OK? - Yeah.
Everything's fine.
I was so worried.
You left all these messages and I couldn't reach you.
So you got on a plane and flew all the way home? I was worried.
So, what happened? There was this crazy woman Marcus Allenwood's girlfriend.
She was at the Chinese herbalist.
She completely freaked out on me.
And .
I couldn't handle it.
I came home all the way from New York.
I'm so sorry.
I'm sorry.
Bette, so how was New York? It was, um It was incredible.
It seemed like all of New York knew I grabbed Provocations from under MOCA's nose.
I was kind of a star.
Peggy Peabody was throwing a dinner party for me tonight.
I was cultivating this major donor that I was hoping to get on my board of directors.
And now you're not gonna be there.
It must be the hormones.
I'm just I'm just relieved everything's OK.
- That's all that really matters.
- I'm sorry.
If I wanted to say (Jenny) I'm offering these gifts.
Rare gifts.
I know that they don't amount to much in the face of what you've given me.
I've heard these organs can't survive outside the body for more than a few hours.
But I'll get there as soon as I can.
Whatever happens, it will be on me.
On my heart.
In spite of all the damage I've done If I wanted to hear you talk on Or to hear your sense of things Or to call you up on a Sunday morning In spite of all the damage I've done Well, I broke up our home And left you nowhere to run Yes, I broke up our home And left you nowhere to run