The L Word s03e01 Episode Script

Please Don't leave.
You are a full-on Lesbian.
You just wanna sleep with people.
Make them fall in love with you.
Jenny wouldn't know what the real deal was if it bit her in the ass.
Why are you doing this? It makes me feel good because I'm in charge.
It helps me remember all this childhood shit that happens to me.
I need help.
You're just back from Cherie Jaffe-land? Nothing's changed.
I'm still me.
You don't think that you could have changed you're plan a little bit? I don't have a plan, that's the point.
You don't wanna get involved with anybody And that is cool.
I don't feel like I have anything left to give.
I know how hard you work to keep yourself at a distance from everyone else.
I don't want you to go.
This is a key to my appartment.
I live two blocks from the Planet.
Arvin, it's not a done deal yet.
I'll be happy to co-sign on the loan.
What about the damn payment? This is a dream come true.
Ladie with the flashing eyes.
Thaks to keeping me compagny, I really apreciate.
It was my pleasure.
I just don't want you tu get hurt.
I knew, going in, what the deal was.
I want this baby more than ever.
I'm not going to think about her again.
Did you fuck all night before you told her I was the love of your life? You gave up your autonomy in a relationship that the law doesn't recognize.
I got a call from Tina's lawyer.
Tina, we can fix this.
Helena, I hope you're going to continue to support the arts.
I don't think so.
Did you know that Tina was pregnant? Bette you didn't know? What are you doing with my girlfriend? Tina doesn't seem to think she really is your girlfirend.
I need to have some kind of resolution before the baby is born.
That's your baby.
I really loved being ther with you.
Come here.
The board has decided to buy out your contract.
I want to move back into our house.
Welcome to the first corporate sponsored lesbian wedding.
Are you my fiancée Tanya, or are you my manager? So if I was to kiss you again? You always let her get away.
We have to tell our friends.
Ohhh, Maria We don't belong together.
Don't necesseraly think we should be friend with our exs.
You're very cute.
Oh, shut up.
What do you think about Moving in with me.
What? I didn't know I was turning into someone who was all smothery and needy and You're gonna have a very very interesting life.
Because we are some very very interesting people.
Artist : Didier Geers Group | Song : "It Ain't the Meat, It's the Motion" Oh my God, where is it? Oh no it's horrible.
You say it's horrible? It's beautiful! It sure isn't beautiful.
Doll, it looks like burnt curtains.
But I'd be damned it I'm gonna be called frigid for the rest of my life, just 'cause I don't understand what I got going on down there.
Carreful with the granola.
Girls, if it wasn't for this group, I'd still think that Valium was my only hope for survival.
And I would still believe in the myth of vaginal orgasm.
Thank you Sigmund Freud, you patronizing sexist pig ! Can I to say, I know this is only our fifth meeting, but I already feel closer to all of you than I already do to my oan husband.
I sure don't know any husband that's gonna get this familiar with a bunch of ladies wiff-waff.
What about you sweetie? Is this just all to fire up for you? Oh no.
What? Come on, you can tell us.
We're your sisters.
You can tell us how you're felling.
I didn't know Chet, he's just so fast.
.
and clumsy.
I had no idea about the um Oh, excuse me.
I'm just gonna go check on her.
You have the right to be happy And sexually fulfilled - I should - Do you know that you can be sexually fulfilled? I should go.
- Chet's expecting me.
- So? I have a three-year-old.
He sometimes wakes.
Night terrors.
And what's gonna happen if you turn up a little late? The world is gonna stop turning? Will he dock your allowance? What do I tell him? Tell him the girls had a lot to talk about tonight.
Tell him we're changing the world and it's gonna take some time.
Tell him it's no easy task creating equality for women L Word - Saison 3 Ep 01 : Labia Mojora.
Artist: Tegan And Sara - Song: So jealous That was "So Jealous" by Tegan and Sara, and I'm Alice Pieszecki, and you're listenning to "The Chart" on KCRW, welcome back.
Tonight, you are talking about the connection betwen love and the senses.
Your lover kisses you and you feel a trauma in the back of your knees.
The sinapses find there sending orders "move your legs, move your arms, She's the one for you.
" She's the girl of your dreams.
She's your one and only.
And you know because The smell of her makes your head swim, because You get a physical shock every time she sends a glance your way.
I mean, she touches your ear a nd And then, you feel it here.
You touch her anywhere and then, you feel it everywhere.
And then, boom.
It's six month later and she's touching someone else.
- Hi.
| - Hey.
And you might say : "Hey, Al, relationships and lovers leave living a labyrinth of heartache and betrayal.
For example my, my first boyfriend left me for a voluptuous former lesbian named April, who I then round up having a rebound affair with, but we could also talk about Gabby.
Otherwise known as the lesbian ex, the point of origin for an entiere geographical sub-stratum of lesbian linkages.
Including, Lara.
What are you making? Surprise.
Six egg whites, tree quarter cup of heavy Cream, Lara, I can't eat this, I'm training.
Yes you can, because, with your metabolism and the workout I'm about to give you, I think you can handle enjoy my little breakfast soufflé.
Workout, huh? Yes, that same Lara.
We love her.
Lara the larcenist.
Lara the liberator.
Lara the the new true love of of Dana.
And, huh Yeah, I mean, Dana Who told me she neededShe needed closure.
Closure with Lara.
Well It's six month later and And I'm still waiting for her to close.
Hello, everybody.
So glad to see you, hello, to Morgane.
So glad to see you.
Hello, to Pierce.
So glad to see you.
Hello, to Angelica.
So glad to see you.
Hello, Everybody, so glad to see you.
It's time for instruments.
- I'll try to get her the triangle today.
| - Okay.
Oh, I was just looking for that.
I'm sure there's more.
No, there aren't, that's the last one.
Sorry.
Asshole.
Okay, does everyone have an instrument? It's time to get up for dancing a circle time.
Sorry about that.
Huh, it happens.
Specially with some of these moms.
Which one of you is the Is the mom? I gave birth, actually.
Oh, wow, I would have figured it was hers.
Your daughter looks a lot like her.
She's not your sister, is she? She's my partner.
Oh! And She's a little stressed out today.
We're about to have a home visit from adoption social worker.
But she's your baby.
Yeah.
II mean, but not Bette's.
At least not according to the law.
We've just to do this, huh thing that's called a second parent adoption so she can legally become Angelica's other parent.
Complicated? This is so weird and I didn't realised it would be so awkward.
Doesn't have to be awkward mom, just tell me what's been going on and I'll do my best to help you out.
I think it started around the time Daddy got sick.
I just - I just - didn't deal.
I just didn't deal.
I know it's my fault for letting it go this long, but he he was so sick and he needed all my attention and, you know, if I had taken care of myself, we would've caught it before it got this bad - Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, mom.
Let's not plan your funeral yet.
Now what are you symptoms? Breathing I have a hard time breathing, and heart palpitations and sometimes I have to sit down and catch my breath.
And I, um, I'm having these headaches every day.
And I know they're connected to something that's bad going on somewhere else - and I - I - I'm having a hard time just concentrating on any one thing.
Well, your blood pressure's a little high, but it's not off the chart.
Don't assume the worst, okay? Here's what we're gonna do.
I'm gonna send you for some blood work.
We're gonna check your levels, we're gonna run a few tests.
Now, I'm actually betting that this is psychological.
You're under a lot of stress running that business all by yourself.
Not to mention all the time you're putting in helping them out with Tina's baby.
Yeah, well it's Bette's baby, too, you know, not just Tina's.
Just call today.
It's, um, 2:00 to 6:00, on Saturday.
It's for, uh, six month.
It's really just an excuse to have a party.
Thanks, I'll try and make it.
Great.
Take care.
See ya.
Why'd you invite him? He's sweet, I like him.
He's so straight.
Since when did you have a problem with straight people? I don't have a problem with straight people, it's just he's so you know, suburban.
I grew up in the suburbs.
Suburbs aren't that terrible.
Why does everybody have to be a hipster? Angus.
I have a proposition for you.
Would you be interested in playing for the kids at Angelica's six month celebration? Wow, yeah, I'll play almost anywhere I'm invited as long as there's a paycheck involved.
My band's trying to put out our CD.
Cool.
Whaddaya think, Angelica? Want me to rock your half-birthday party? Maybe some Ozzy? Black Sabbath? I was actually thinking more "Cock-a-Doodle-Doo".
Oh, no, that's what you'll get.
Thanks, I could really use the cash.
Great.
Oh, c'mere.
I am power and beauty, emanating the warmth of the sun through a heart as deep as the ocean.
Are you sure it's not "pockets as deep as the ocean"? It could be.
Yeah.
Pockets.
Uh, you just bought something.
Something that most people consider reckless and foolish.
We are about to close on a deal, but I can't tell you what it is.
You don't have to say.
You bought a movie studio.
My god, how did you know that? Because the cards know everything.
Oh.
And there's a romance in your future.
See? This is you, The Empress, she knows how to pamper herself but she really knows how to take care of her lovers.
And this, the Knight of Wands, that's the love interest.
Uh, it's a creative person, an artist of some kind.
Volatile and changeable, especially sexually.
Sexually changeable, what does that mean? Bisexual or something? Shuffle and take three more cards.
Bisexual.
Yeah.
This person is bisexual.
He or she uh she, I think is going to stand back to back with you, and then face to face.
What does that mean? I'm sorry, I can't tell you any more right now.
Except that she drives a blue car.
And she's a brunette.
Alright, now, one of you lie down on this fluffy couch and the other one come and pick some material.
Mama T, why don't you be the "lier-downer" and I'll go choose some materials for us.
No.
P lease.
What? Do you also call her "Mama B"? Uh - yeah, sometimes I do call her "Mama B".
Okay, get up.
You go sit down.
Sit down.
Alright.
Listen.
The guiding principle here is that we are trying to rekindle the sexual spark in this long-term relationship.
And "Mama T" and "Mama B" do not make mad, passionate love to one another, they make cookies.
Okay.
Now.
When you do these sensate-focus exercises at home, Tina - she'll be naked, wearing a blindfold - Oh-ho, no way.
What - what's wrong with that? I'll feel ridiculous.
I don't want anybody staring down at my naked body, tickling me with strips of rubber and suede.
I - Well, first of all, I'm not just anybody.
I'm your life-partner and would-be lover, and secondly, I find you beautiful.
You can't possibly find this big, ugly scar and my sagging stomach and my leaky nipples beautiful.
You cannot tell me what I can and cannot find beautiful.
I mean, and I - I don't think this is all about you feeling unattractive or tired.
In fact, I hate to say this, but Dr.
Farber, I think she's still punishing me for - - I am not punishing you! - Oh, no? I'm exhausted! I am up half the night with Angelica! Look, let's try something else, alright? Uh We could try the The Lover's Paintbox.
Beautiful.
Very high-quality chocolate.
$33.
95.
It's too expensive.
And this The Hot Sex Ice Cube Kit.
$19.
95, not as expensive.
What do you do with the ice cube kit? Well, you take a cube - and it could be breast-shaped, penis-shaped, whatever - put it in your mouth, let a little water drip on her clit, on her nipples because, really, one of the big problems of lesbian sexual dysfunction is aversion to oral stimulation and those - if you pardon the pun - are a major ice-breaker.
Or, if all else fails, try a little humor! C'mon, a little levity never hurt anybody's sex life.
Okay, so.
What time do you put Angelica down to sleep? Oh, well, it differs every night.
We don't really have her on a schedule.
Yeah.
Tonight, get her to sleep, put her in the crib - No, we don't put her down.
We're practicing attachment parenting.
We try to keep her in contact with another human body as much as possible.
Where is she right now? Song : Str8 with Myself - Artist : Lady Precise My turn.
Oh, yeah! Woohoo! I wouldn't say my parents are happy about it, necessarily, I would just say that they've they've accepted it, sort of in their own way.
Yeah, they don't try and fix you up with guys anymore, so that's good.
- That's good.
- Yeah.
The whole, uh, coming-out-to-your-parents-in-a-Mexican-family, that stuff? Mm-mmm, there's something about it.
It doesn't really play.
No.
So you just stay in the closet.
- No, sweetheart.
- Yes.
You don't just stay in the closet.
There are certain things that are understood, and it is understood that we do not talk about those things.
Like, I have htis Uncle Poppy.
He borrowed his sister's prom dress one year, and uh, what he did with that prom dress, we don't know.
And guess what? We don't ask.
I found it disconcerting, that's all.
Why? What's wrong with "clit"? It's a little graphic.
I prefer that our therapist use a more neutral language.
So "clit" made you uncomfortable? A little, yeah.
What about "cunt", do you have a problem with "cunt"? It's not my favorite.
Hey Hi! Actually, I like "pussy".
Oh.
Hear! Hear! I love pussy.
Excuse me.
Hmm? Shane, it's not as though she can really understand what we're talking about.
You don't know that.
What are you - what are you talking about? Well, Tina has a problem with the word "clit", which I find somewhat troubling, and she's also not too fond of "cunt".
Oh, my god, I love the word "cunt".
I get totally hot.
No - you do?! Yeah! Don't you? I Well, what words do you use? "Pussy" works for me.
Mm-hmm.
"Beaver" is also fun sometimes and I like "twat".
Actually, I really like "twat"! You know that.
I know.
Aww, babe! See, I just grew up in a world of euphemisms, like "down there", "nether regions", "private parts", "naughty bits" "Uh oh, don't touch your no-no!" I was the same way.
"Private parts", "lady parts" "lady parts", "it".
Then who came up with "peeper"? Peeper! Peeper, peeper, peeper.
Mama T, why don't you feed her for a while, I think she's hungry.
She's fine.
Peeper, peeper, peeper! "Touch my peeper, Al.
Nobody touches my peeper like you do.
" "Oh, look what happens to my peeper when it touches your peeper.
It's a wet peeper!" Alice We're gonna go.
It's a wet, wet peeper.
You win, Al.
Peeper.
Oh, baby, say hello to Auntie Alice.
- Mama T, can you just put her - Say hello! Say hello! Say hello! So what are you on now? I'm on methylphenidate.
Possible side effects are - include, um, Tourette's.
It's okay.
We're all a little stressed out right now.
Totally.
Yeah, Tina and I, we have our first home visit with the adoption social worker today.
Ah.
I'm going to meet Carmen's mother.
Mm-hmm.
And have dinner with her entire family.
And I'm gonna act straight.
Who wins! You win.
Yeah, you win.
Inhale, take the gaze up part-way.
Exhale, stepping back.
To dandasana, lowering down.
Inhale, coming into up-dog.
Opening up the chest through the arms.
Exhaling back into downward-facing dog.
Song : Shelter - Artist : Transientworld Now let's step from down-dog, the right foot up beside the right hand.
We're going into warrior one, people, virabhardrasana.
Oh, I know, this stuff's really hard.
It kills me.
Oh, sweetheart, I'm sorry.
I thought this would be good for you.
Is there anything I can do? Oh, no, you're a good friend.
You're a good friend! Now, pivot on the ball of the left foot.
Drop that heel to the ground.
Turn the toes out 45 degrees.
Is everyone cool with that? Oh, you poor thing.
Is it Dana? I don't know.
It could be these new drugs I'm on.
Shh! 'Mkay.
And drop your shoulder blades down your back.
I just I feel a little unpredictable.
But I don't know, maybe maybe it's just making me spontaneous, you know.
Like I'm ready, I'm rea - Shhh.
No talking.
Okay, now, let's all partner up with the person on the mat next to us.
I want you to turn back-to-back.
And link arms.
Now.
The person facing the front of the room, I want you to bend forward and gently stretch your partner's back.
Gently.
Bounce and stretch.
Alice! Good, now switch.
Wait, wait.
We're not quite back-to-back.
Okay.
Oh, god Okay, once you've both done the stretch, I want you to stand, and turn to face your partners and grip one-another's shoulders like this.
And bend your knees.
Oh, god.
Holy shit.
What? We were back-to-back and now we're face-to-face.
Yeah, I know, that's what he said to do.
Ready? Oookay.
Saturday there's a Fuse event at Falcon.
We should go.
Helena, I can't even remember how to say hello to a girl at a bar.
I'll help you.
We'll scope the place out, you see anybody you like, and - Your car's blue.
I I know it's it's dirty, I'm usually such a neat-freak.
Really.
You'll never meet anyone tidier than me, it's just Since Dana.
Yeah.
You know, my life is shit, Helena.
Okay? You saw me in there.
I'm good for 5 minutes on these meds and then it - and then - - And then it wears off.
- Yeah.
That's the trouble with medication.
Maybe you should just - I should take more.
I should take a higher dose.
Yes, of course.
It's the - I just - it's very - not precise, this pill-popping business, you know? Are you judging me? I mean, I would understand if you were, but No, I - just I - you're a good friend.
You're a good friend.
Good friend.
Fuck! Kit, can you help me with this table before you go? She'll be here in two seconds.
Jesus, what is their fucking problem? Here we are, okay.
That's the social worker.
She needs help getting up porch steps.
Here you go.
Here we go Angelica! Here, Boo Boo.
Let's go meet the social worker.
Hi! You made it.
Hello Miss Collie, I'm Bette Porter.
It's really nice to meet you.
This is my partner Tina Kennard.
Hi.
And this is my sister, Kit Porter.
And this is Angelica.
I think you may wanna put that baby down and help me up these steps.
Well, we don't really put her down, but I think we'll be okay.
What do you mean you don't put her down? Well, we're - - practicing attachment parenting.
Well I say anything that can be attached, can be detached.
So why don't you detach the baby, put her in her crib for a few moments so you don't drop me.
I think Tina and I can manage this, okay? Anyway, we don't have a crib.
We bought one, but it became apparent that we weren't gonna use it, so we donated it to a family in East L.
A.
That's where I work.
You have a six month-old baby and you don't have a crib.
Okay.
Good luck, mommies.
Song : Car chase - Artist : EZGirl Oh, cunt! Cunt! Hi! Dana? Dana! Oh, fuck you! Fuck you! Going to get away? You think you're going to get away? Oh, fuck you! Dana! Are you insane?! Am I insane?! You're the one who did it, Dana! Okay! Just stop it, Al! - You did this! - Just stop it! I didn't leave you! Okay! God! Alice - ! Hold on, Dana, I'm getting another call, hold on, okay! ARGH! Hello? Alice? It's Helena.
Look, I wanted you to be the first to know - Yeah, Helena - Hold - I - can you just - hold on - I'm just - I'm - Dana's trying to get away from me, hold on.
Dana's what? I just - all - she start - Fuck! Hey! I'm back.
I'm buying a movie studio, Alice.
That - that's great, Helena, that's so good, I can't really talk right now though.
No - no, no.
I need to ask you one quick question, Alice.
Dana, fuck! wondering what your natural haircolor is.
Oh! Umm I guess if I go back to childhood, it's, y'know, I would consider myself a blonde Umm It kinda depends on what angle you look at me.
I mean, it's kind of up for interpretation.
If you look at me from one angle, it could be, uh uh you know, a light-ish dirty blonde, er y'know, from another angle it could be sort of a - a - very pale brunette.
God - god dammit, I lost her.
Hold on a sec, k? Alice?? Hey Dane.
Dane? Um, are you planning on going straight down Sunset, or do you think that maybe you might turn off? Dana? Dana? You haven't exactly baby-proofed, have you? Well, I don't really believe in baby-proofing, per se, I mean first of all, it's ugly, and I really want Angelica to develop an intrinsic sense of beauty.
Mm-hmm.
Well, I can tell that's important to you, Bette.
Presumably, it's why I don't see an abundance of brightly colored, stimulating, interactive plastic toys strewn around the home.
Exactly.
And from the point of view of safety? Well, Miss Collie, I truly believe - Call me Roberta.
Roberta.
I - I believe that children can learn what's safe and what's not safe through tactile encounters.
I mean, at this age, uh, she can't really grasp concepts, she can only have experiences.
So you're planning to let her put her hand in the fire.
Metaphorically.
I'll give you a metaphor, Bette.
Go ahead and throw yourself off the 405 overpass.
It'll hurt like hell, and damn straight you won't do it again because you'll be dead.
It's not like we're totally opposed to baby-proofing I - she's not even crawling yet.
I know.
Yeah, she's not even crawling.
I've done research on pool covers and fences and - the fences are really ugly, Bette hates them a lot.
Yeah, really a lot.
Mom? Hello, darling.
Now, we've really got to hurry, here.
We've got one hour until sundown.
So here, can you take that in, and put that up there? And then I'm gonna get you to get the china down.
Your father wants everyone to go to shul.
He says this is your last dinner here in Skokie.
I had my last therapy session with Dr.
Peretz today.
Hmm.
You know your father's invited the Cranes for dinner.
Marshall's back from MIT.
He's gonna be at shul.
You know what would be really awesome, if you could please ask my step-father to stop setting me up with guys.
Especially Marshall Crane.
And what's wrong with Marshall? He's a mathematical genius.
Nothing.
Except for the fact that he's a man, and I - Don't start, Jenny.
We all know you were sick.
That's not part of my "sickness".
Oh! And is that what Dr.
Peretz has been telling you? Dr.
Peretz doesn't have a problem with my sexual orientation, mom.
Well, uh, then I have to tell you that I think Dr.
Peretz is as sick as you are.
Song : Amor Del Alma - Artist : Georgina Perez I don't know about this.
Why? What's wrong? It's too soon.
No.
I'm telling you.
You're gonna be fine, okay? Just - they don't think like that, alright, so all you have to do is be yourself.
They are going to fucking love you.
Okay? Yeah.
You look beautiful.
Okay.
The show debuts next month at the Slate Museum.
It's called "The Art of Dissent".
I see.
And does a person actually get paid for something like that? Oh, well it's not a full-time job.
I'm just doing it as a passion project while I'm looking for a more permanent position.
So you're unemployed.
Well, just for the last six months.
I mean, I've been offered several positions, but just none that I - that I passionately wanna do.
Is that absolutely necessary? What, I'm sorry? The infant, the spoon, the banging and clanging, can you not just put it away for 15 minutes? - Mama T, can you just put the - Oh, yeah.
pots and pans down.
I meant the baby.
Why don't you just nurse her for a while? Okay, let me just review.
No baby-proofing.
Passionately unemployed.
Harbors sexually-explicit, anti-patriotic propaganda masquerading as art.
What about men? Men? You do know that we're lesbians, right? Yes.
That matter was fairly explicitly touted on your petition to the state, which is all the more reason why I find the man question critical.
How is Angelica going to know what a man is? All she has to do is turn on the television, they're everywhere.
Our child's going to be around a lot of men.
But will there be a significant man? I mean, is she going to know one special man's voice? I mean - how is she going to know what a man feels like? What he smells like? Will she ever rub her cheek up against a scratchy, unshaven face? Play with the little curly hairs on his chest or his back Whoa Where the fuck did that come from?! Shit, motherfucker! Goddammit! Jesus Christ! Great.
Well, Jesus fuck! What happened? Well, I'm coming in the driveway and this big, fucking ridiculous thing's in the way! Ridiculous, how? Is that your car? Because you could maybe have moved it up a little.
There's like ten feet in front of you.
Do you know this person? Anyway, whatever, I'm sorry I tapped your car.
Tapped?! Tina, I think it's these drugs I'm on, I just got in a car chase with Dana.
You got in a car chase with Dana? Yeah, I kinda ran her off the road.
What?! Anyway, look, lady, I don't know.
I mean, your car's fine, it's like mine got the worst of it, if you could look.
You know, it's like, it would have been a lot less damage if you drove a normal car.
"Normal.
" She didn't mean it that way.
That's not what she meant.
Let's just hope she doesn't have a lot of contact with the child.
I'll be going now.
Uh, I happen to be the Earth Mother? I would've been the godmother, but I don't believe in god.
Of course you don't.
Well, it wasn't even my idea, it was Mama B's.
Of course it was.
I'll be back in ten days.
You're coming back? We do two home-visits per case.
So you'll get a second chance.
But first impressions are hard to overcome.
Help, please, and move car! Oh.
She's really too much.
Help, please! Today! - C'mon, eat more, you so skinny! - No no.
She's so skinny, don't you feed her? No, mommy, I don't feed her, she feeds herself.
- Here.
- Such a pretty girl, too.
Don't you think she's pretty? Yes, mom, she's very pretty.
Thank you.
Shane! Carmen says that you're a hairdresser? I am.
Uh who does your hair? Oh, I do.
It's the look, mama.
Yeah.
It's the bomb.
Do you know cousin Evi? No, I don't believe I do.
Mom, this is the first time she's met anyone in our family.
Evi's an assistant hairdresser.
She works downtown at Jose's Hair Experience.
That's - that's very cool.
Your family, Chane, they live in Los Angeles? You see them all the time? Por qué le preguntas tanto mami, please? (Why are you asking her so many questions, mom, please?) Carmen Please, mom, c'mon! Uh, actually, I'm from Austin.
And I think my family are still there.
You think? Uh, you don't know where your family is? I - I just haven't seen them in a while.
Begoña, ¿qué están diciendo? (Begoña, what are they talking about?) Um, dice que no ha visto a su familia en mucho tiempo.
(She says that she hasn't seen her family in a very long time.
) Carmen.
Hm? I don't understand.
Her family Uh, oh, well, um she grew up in foster care.
So, she hasn't met her father And, uh, she never really knew her mother, either.
So.
Ay, pobrecita (Oh, poor girl) We're your family now.
Okay? Okay? Tu familia.
(Your family.
) Thank you! Gracias, thank you.
Song : Kiss the World - Artist : Catlow How ya doing? Hi! How are you? I'm alright.
Yeah? How's the book going? I - I don't know, I think it's okay.
I think it's good, I think I'm almost done, which means I'm gettin' ready to blow outta this town.
I been thinking about it.
What? I wanna go for it.
Fuck off you wanna come to L.
A.
with me? Yeah.
I'm excited! Mom, what are we doing in here? Marisela's quinceañera.
(15 year celebration) Next Friday.
Chane has to come.
- Mother, no, please.
- Sí! Wha - what's a quinceara? A quinceañera.
It's like a - uh - sweet 15.
Ohh.
En México es una tradición muy importante.
(In Mexico, it's a very important tradition.
) And I have something for you.
It's this religious ceremony, it takes place in a church, and it's a huge party with gowns, and a tiara, and bouquets - - Uh-huh.
- and the whole thing.
Cuando yo tenía tu edad, era flaquita como tú Believe or not.
(When I was your age, I was skinny like you.
) She says she used to be skinny, just like you.
¿Cuándo eras delgada mamita? I don't remember that! (When were you thin, mom?) ¿Dónde esta el vestido que usé para la quinceañera de mi hermana Begoña? (Where is the dress I wore to my sister Begoña's sweet 15 celebration?) Ah! Aquí está! How pretty! (Here it is!) Oh, that's beautiful.
Yeah! Eh, no You know, I think that it would look a lot better on Carmen.
- Oh, no, no, no.
- No, Carmen is like this, you like that Como yo, así era (Like how I was.
) Well, maybe not so skinny.
You have a boyfriend, Chane? Not yet.
Oh, you will.
Put it on, I go get my sewing kit.
My mother loves you! I know she does.
And I love her.
Oh, my gosh! - But please don't make me do this.
- Oh, please, you have to put it on.
Oh, babe What are you doing, she's gonna come in.
Okay.
Don't, don't, don't Hey, it's okay.
But you feel so good.
Aw, Carmen, don't make me do this Put your hands in.
It's okay.
Please, for me.
C'mon.
Oh, my goodness.
Oh! That is so pretty! Oh! Oh! Yeah.
Oh, look at that.
Oh You know, but this is so generous of you, I - I kinda feel bad taking it away from you.
Ah, don't be ridiculous.
You are familia now, remember? There.
Yes, sí.
Ah? Ohh! That's somethin' else.
Thank you.
Mm-hmm! Poor baby.
This is going to make you all better.
Thank you.
Good? What is that? Double lemon sugar cookies with lavender and rosemary infusion.
Trying them out on you.
Thank you.
Mmm.
Good? Yes.
Thank you.
Song : I Will Go Quietly - Artist : Shivaree I wanna wait until my parents are asleep, when I get my stuff, because I don't want to start a thing with them tonight.
You mean, like a teenage runaway? Yes.
'Cause my mom still puts me in that place, you know? I don't think it's gonna take me more than, I don't know, 20 minutes to pack because I didn't bring a lot of stuff because I didn't think I'd be here in Skokie for six months.
Yeah.
Well, then we can swing by my place.
I'm up in Wilmette.
Really we really gonna do this? I been planning on going to L.
A.
from the time I got outta college.
That's like two years now.
Fuck.
Where did you go to college? Um, Harper College Tech.
What did you study? I do website design and programming.
Uh-huh.
And network administration, wireless networking, uh, web optimization - Are you thinking about having sex with me right now? It's crossed my mind.
Who did that to you? I did it to myself.
What are you doing? You have a lump.
What? Right there.
Oh, I know, it's been there forever.
It's nothing.
Dana.
What? Well, you should get it checked out.
I've had it checked out.
Oh, you have.
Yes, you - they're very sexy, sinewy, fibrous breasts, now kiss me.
Jen? Get up! What the hell do you think you're doing? How dare you treat us this way, after we opened our home to you.
How dare you bring a man back into this house! I would never do that, Warren.
I want you to meet Moira.
She lives over in Wilmette.
Nice to meet you.
S - sorry.
Get out of here.
That's what I'm doing, Warren, just give me a couple of minutes.
Now.
I want you out now.
Actually You've wanted me out of this house from the moment I set foot in here.
What is it, Warren? Am I too fucked up for you? Am I too perverted? Look at me.
Do I remind you of how messy and out of control your life is? Warren? I'm just not the girl you wanted me to be.
Jennifer, stop.
No, you stop.
When are you gonna start being an actual person? And not this silent slave to this man.
Don't you dare disrespect your mother.
That's a privilege that's reserved for you.
I - don't know what more we can do.
Nothing.
There's nothing more you can do for me to make me the person that you are comfortable with.
Because I'm not gonna marry that nice Jewish boy.
Not gonna have those nice Jewish kids.
I'm not gonna shut up.
And be subservient.
I'm not gonna set the dinner table and pretend that bad things don't happen.
Because when you don't talk about them, they get worse, Warren.
Let's go.
Jennifer? Can you hang on a sec? Hey.
Jennifer, I don't - I don't understand, here.
Are you trying to punish me? No I'm grateful.
To you.
You did a good job with me.
And I'm not trying to punish you.
Is this because of what happened when you were a little girl? Is that why you turned out this way? Why didn't you protect me? Oh there there was nothing I could do to change what happened.
I know - Mom, but you could have comforted me, you could've told me that it wasn't my fault.
Oh, I'm so sorry.
I'm sorry.
Thank you.
Thank you for what? Because.
It's the first time that you've ever acknowledged what happened to me.
I have to go.
Artist: Tegan And Sara - Song: So jealous Bye.
What are you lookin' at? Have you noticed any changes in your hair, skin? Oh - oh, my skin, definitely, it - it's blotchy and - it used to be like silk! And you already said that you'd been experiencing, um, mood swings, loss of energy.
Agh, David, do not fucking protect me.
Please tell me what it is.
You know, I'd rather know what it is so I - I - I wanna know so I can deal with it! Mom, I just need to ask you a few more questions.
Now, are you having any memory problems? Excuse me, I'm sorry, I forgot the question.
What about, uh you know, vaginal dryness? - What? - I'm - I'm sorry, mom.
But it's important that I ascertain these things.
Oh, no, no, no.
We do not go there, I am you mother and you are my son.
And my punaany, dry or not dry, is something we do not discuss.
Song : Jena Beat - Artist : Othello 9 I have a friend in England, and her daughter calls it "front bottom".
"Front bottom"? Mm, that's twisted.
I had a girlfriend once - yes, remember when I had a girlfriend - uh, no, but she called it her "pretty, pink pearl".
"P-P-P".
Not to be confused with "hairy pee-pee.
" You know what's really lovely? Hm.
"Yoni".
- Ew.
- Oh, god.
It's Sanskrit.
No, no.
I like, like, a non-Sanskrit trashy thing like "tongue-trap".
Yeah.
Or a, uh, "bald man in a boat"! "Breakfast of champions".
That's good.
"Munchbox"! "Wee wee".
"Ha ha".
"Hoo hoo".
"Mimi".
"Fuckhole.
" What else? "Calcunta"! Hey, Kit! What's wrong? What's going on? I just found out I've got menopause.
Oh, Kit.
Aw.
Ooh.
No, it's okay.
No more periods.
Yeah, you don't have to take Carrie to the prom anymore.
No more mood swings.
Eventually.
No more Tampons or pads.
No more Midol or Excedrin or Tylenol or any of that stuff.
Yeah.
But once the monkey goes south, that's the end of it.
No, Kit, that's not true.
There are a lot of menopausal women who are very sexually active.
Yeah, that's true.
You can still get it on.
And you are still gonna be doing the hanky-panky 'til the cows come home.
Okay? Yeah.
Get yourself a little hot beef injection tonight and feel better.
Shit.
You can dip the chip.
Bang the box.
Sweep our your chimney.
Ah, you can stretch that leather.
Bump the uglies! Dip and dive.
Shake the sheets.
Oh, crack the nut! Get some skank on the hang-low.
Ohh aw! Ride the baloney pony.
Alright.
Give that dog a bone! There ya go! - Right! - Yeah! Shuck the oyster, baby! Okay, um, um, put some beef in yo' taco! Ride that beef bus to Tuna Town.
Ohhhhhh.
That was so sexy.
I'm glad you said that.
I got one.
"The lips between the hips".
"Furry monkey.
" "Smurf crease.
" "Bearded oyster".
"Bikini biscuit".
"Cooter"? And, uh, "cherry pie".
"Cat flaps".
"Cha-cha".
"Hairy goblet".
Mmm.
"The Grand Canyon".
Oh, here's another one.
"Fish taco".
Oh, I got a good one.
"Cream collector".
"Goodie bag"? Wait, how 'bout this one: "box of assorted creams".
Uh, "honey pot".
"Dugout".
"Love mitten"? "Mermaid's purse".
"Skeeky," "skeezy".
Oh, I got one, I got one, uh - "the pink velvet sausage wallet".
That's attractive.
"Nonny"? "Ham wallet"? "Coochie"! "Sweet spot".
"Power slot"? "Fu-fu valve".
I know, "fu-fu valve", who would say "fu-fu valve"? "Pork shutters".
"Bermuda triangle".
"Grab hole".
"Squeegee"? "Vertical smile".
"The vessel tube"? "Monkey's chin".
"Chewbacca".
What about "panty hamster"? "Roast beef sandwich".
Uh, "camel toe" - oh, that's so generic.