The Lake (2022) s01e01 Episode Script




- It's not fair.

You're flying business
class and I'm stuck here?
Your parents are
making you spend summer
- on a lake We're monsters.

- But I'm losing
two months of swim
training and senior prep
and missing the junior
climate conference I organized.

Okay, everyone
needs an off-season, hon.

But I said I'm sorry.

- Why can't I just come home?
- [MOM.]
You know why.

Now, daddy and I both
feel it's safer with you
in the country while we're
on tour with the book.

You think it's safer here?
I'm about to get eaten
by inbred hillbillies or
- rumble with drunken townies.

- And it's important to know
your birth father now that
he's back in the country.

I have a dad
who's usually pretty cool when he's
not sending me back to
the factory for parts.

We're giving you a chance to
connect with your birth story.

You know how daddy and I
feel about open adoption.

- [SIGHS.]

- Just once.

Angry nuns hiding a slutty
teen mom might be nice.

Well, you know,
Justin does skew a bit slutty
but good luck trying to find
his skeleton in a closet.

"Rainbow pops.
That's just a bit on the nose.


Uh, pandering.

Vanilla is probably triggering.


Definitely insulting.

And Neapolitan is every
flavor of colonialism.

- Do you need a hand?
- Wah
- Back there?
- Um
Uh, um
Uh no, I'm great, I'm good.
I got my
I got my stuff.

I just have to get a couple of things.

Some cafecito,
cheddar, little bit of smep
Don't know what that is.

And who doesn't want a fruity hole?
Weirdo sausage cooker.

Bugs, don't want any of that stuff.


- [RILEY.]
I got it.


- Hi.

- Hi.



No ice cream?
You lose the argument back there?
Oh yes.
Uh, very lactose intolerant.

Who needs to douche after a
shot of two percent, right?
- Yi-yi.


No, my daughter is an athlete,
so you know, it is just a
bit of, like, a fit shamer.

My daughter.

That is so weird to say out loud.

Only if it's not your daughter.

No, I I had her in high school
and then I took off to Australia.

That's why I'm so young
But there was an adoption
in between that time.

So like, she's got
parents and they love her
and she feels really
good about it and I feel
really good about it.

I mean, it was tough
for a little while, like, you
know, good five years where
I was just like a total
But no, it's great now.

I'm just looking after
her while they're away and
it's our first vacation together.

I got us a sweet little
place up on the lake.

Lucky to find a spot.

It's mostly lifers up here.

Yeah, I know.
I know.

My grandparents used
to own a cottage up here
then my dad sold it
because my stepmom wanted
some shitty condo in
Florida or something.

but without their shining
example of marital dystopia,
I'd have missed out on
years of formative trauma
dating any bearded man-child with tat


Have a great summer.

They look great on you.

I thought we were
stopping for ice cream.

That better be your shit.


What happened?
I think I just tried to seduce
my prison hipster fantasy
with anal douching.

That's what my generation
doesn't have sex.

- Ugh.

- Oh
- Whoa!
- What?
Still plugged in.

Well, how much longer
till a full charge?
- 30 minutes.

- 30 minutes?
Saving the environment takes time.

- Oh, God!

Ooh, whoa ♪
I wanna be with you everywhere ♪
Ooh, whoa ♪
I wanna be with you everywhere ♪
I know I probably should
have gotten one of those
four by four things, but
it just seems so homophobic.

Hey, you've seen pictures of
the cottage I rented, right?
So cute.

Fingers crossed there's AC.

Air conditioning is one of the biggest
contributors to climate change.

Who needs AC on a lake?

- [SIGHS.]

- See?
Total lakeside fantasy.


And '80s horror realness.

I'll have to stay a virgin if
I want to make it to Labor Day.

Now feels like the right
time to start drinking.

Maintaining a lowkey buzz is critical
to every college experience.

So is Mama a Rose or a
Sauv Blanc?
Mama is 16.


So maybe just a swim in the lake.

Everything feels better
after a swim in the lake.


I got it.


Don't tell me you've never
swum in a lake before?
You're supposed to
be training for, like,
the baby Olympics or something.

There better not be any leeches.

Actually, leeches are excellent
for curing hypertension,
also for reattaching
fingers after surgery.

Just like the cure for hemorrhoids
the Romans had hoped.

Hello, my name is Irika.

I have the cottage next door.

Hi, I'm Justin.

- This is my daughter, Billie.

- Uh, birth daughter.

- I'm adopted.

but it was an open adoption so
the birth parents are still
part of their kid's life.

He got his best friend pregnant at prom
like in a dumb teen comedy.

But not funny because we thought we'd
ruined our lives and
our families hated us.

Well, wolves raise pups communally.

The male emu looks after the young
while the female goes
in search of a new mate.

is a valid life choice.

I have a little [INDISTINCT.]

hour around five.

Please come by any time.

- Okay.

- Great.



Please tell me that's seaweed.

Unwaxed seaweed, but
the hat's a fresh spin.

You still wanna swim in that?
- No, I think we'll canoe
- Awesome.

And let this lake air out a little bit.

Oh, no, no, no.
You make a J.

You make a J with your
paddle, make a J
Uppercase or lowercase?
Well no, just like a letter J.

- Just like J for like Justin.

- Yeah, okay or like, Lustin.

- That also works.

Hey, you see that cottage?

That's the Henderson's.

After 30 years of subpar banging,
Henderson leased her husband out
to her best friend,
Maureen, two nights a week.

But escandalo, Mr.

Henderson broke the agreement
and married Maureen at
Tilt-a-Palooza next summer.

- Tilt-a-Palooza?
- Yeah,
it's the last event on the lake before
the boathouse shuts for the season.

There's a regatta.
a potluck throw down.

There's the Tilt Off.
Everybody competes
for shitty prizes and bragging rights
and people hold grudges for generations.

Sounds about white.


- And that one
used to be ours.

My great grandfather built it.

It was my happy place
till my dad remarried
and my wicked stepsister
ruined everything.

I spent every summer there as a kid.

Who owns it now.

I don't know.

Do you want to find out?
Shouldn't we call first?
No, I'm just a neighbour.

I'm dropping in on another neighbour.

Feels more like trespassing.

Justin, I don't like this.

Well, you should probably
turn us around then.

Uh-oh, someone needs to
work on their J-stroke.

Do you believe how
Gorgeous it is?
It's like heaven took a nap.

And that dock.

I want a baby with that dock.


- Hello!

- Okay.
We came, we knocked.

- We leave.

- No, Come on!
I want to see how these power douches
ruined the homestead with
their exquisite taste.

You know, you climb up that,
you can get in through the window.

It's how I snuck home after curfew
Except you're not 12
and that's a felony.

No! It's an adventure.

It's like a classic, summer shenanigan.

See, for a Black girl,
breaking and entering
is more a, "When they see us" adventure
than a Wet, Hot American
Summer shenanigan.

Fair point.
Just keep an eye out
to see if anybody comes back, okay?

I'm doing it!
Birth dad is doing it.

Mom will definitely let me
come home if she sees this.

- Damn.


I'm still flexible.


Holy shit.

Oh, it's all the same.


Shit, shit.

No way.

My God, Grandpa.

- Justin.

- Shit!
- Let's go! Someone's coming.

- Okay.

- What are you doing?
- What? It was my grandpa's
Put it back or I'm
calling the Coast Guard.

There's no Coast Guard on a lake.

It's a committee and you get elected.

Oh, my God.

Would you shut up and go.

Another place where I can be ♪
Another dream to carry away ♪
To carry away ♪
Another world that waits for me ♪
Another life ♪
I can wait for love ♪
I can wait for love ♪
Till we meet again ♪

Uh, who are you?
- Uh, sorry.

We're Billie.
I'm Billie.
He's Justin.

Yeah, I'm her dad.
I'm her birth dad.

I'm adopted.

Gave me up because he's gay.

No, I just chose parents who could
give her a better life.

Wasn't even out yet.

- Well.

- But I am now.

Yes, queen.

Nice to meet you.
I'm Victor.

- This is my son, Killian.

- Hi.

What are
you doing on our dock?
Oh, my great grand
something built your cottage.

- He wanted to show me.

Yeah, I did.

I-I knocked.
We did
knock, but nobody was home.

Maybe you could give us a tour.

- Yeah.

I'll ask my wife.

- It's her cottage.

- Yeah.

Everyone's getting
ready for the boathouse
barbecue tonight.

- You comin'?
We wouldn't miss it.

We got so much unpacking to do.

Just loads of it but it
was really nice to meet you.

- We'll, um

It was really good to mee
We'll just get out of your hair.


- You guys need help at all?
No, no, no, no,
no, no.
We're fine.

- Have fun.

Okay, well,
it was great to meet you.

Really great meeting you.


Why do you need to
ask mom to show the cottage?
Son, you know your mom
likes everything to be perfect.

For the record, that's how you get
a tour without invading someone's home.

A tour of what? Your vagina?
I saw you drooling
over that Aber-zombie.

And you were eye-boning
his dad, so whatever.

Yeah, well I don't need to stay
a virgin to survive the summer.

Get ready for some deep dives
into septic tanks
tonight at the barbecue.

How you flush your poop is a
hot button topic on the lake.

There's no signal here.

Someone is coming on Monday.

You can ask Irika to use hers but
I don't know if textiles
and bandwidth are compatible.

Do you know how parenting works?
'Cause, baseline, you keep the kid safe.

Like, don't rent a cottage
in the middle of the woods
if you can't call for help when
invaded by rednecks or demons.

Or don't be the redneck
invading someone else's cottage.

I just wanted to show
you where you came from.

- That's all.

- I know where I came from.

Three hundred clicks from
And I'm going back
as soon as I tell Mom and
Dad that you broke into
Let's just
Woop, put the pause on.

I-I I just got
I got a little excited
moving from FaceTime
to real time, that's all.

I just haven't been
on the same continent
as you since you were a baby.

Whose fault is that?
Look, I don't know
what you did to deserve it
but your parents said that
it was either summer with me
or it was Pioneer Girls Bible camp.

Now, if you would prefer experimenting
with light lesbianism
and the word of our Lord,
then by all means, call
them from the boat house.

Look, Billie, I know that this is not
- the summer that you wanted
Oh? You mean
moderating the virtual
climate conference I organized?
- [SIGHS.]

- What is the point
of trying to save the environment
if you're not gonna enjoy any of it?
I bet that you could ask,
uh, Kissy, kissy Kissian
to show you around the barbecue tonight.

I am the child.

Just give it a shot.

At least for tonight.

Don't try to be my parent.


I'm not like other birth dads.

I'm a cool birth dad.

Are you quoting Mean girls?
Your parents have their Bible.

I have mine.


Pretty extra for a boat house.

Well, it's over 150 years old.

Used to be a fishing club.

Menfolk only and then
ladies became people.

So, hard pivot.

Uh, it's kind of like if the PTA ran
a daycare for functional alcoholics.



Why is everyone staring at us?
Because my gay ass
giving you up for adoption
was the second biggest
escandala to rock the lake
since Whore-reen shacked up
with Saggy Balls Henderson.

HOT FLASH: Whore-reen is the lady
we're renting the cabin from.

Woah So much sunburn.

Yeah, the beginning of the
season's always muy charro.

We're weeks from peak sunscreen.

Too late to make a run for it?
For me, yes.
The sharks
are already circling.

But the lifeguard lounge
down the hall is empty.

- Go run for your life.

- Justin Lovejoy!
Can't believe you're back, bud.

Hey, Wayne.

- Was that?
- Child I abandoned? Yes.


- Hilarious.

That sense of humor hasn't
vanished with your waistline.

You are so mini now!
The misogyny and the melanoma
just melt the fat away.

Is it true? Did you date a Hemsworth?
- Yeah.

- A Coffs Harbour Hemsworth.

Shorter, more knuckle hair.

Oh, and now you're back to be a parent
after giving it up for
the wild gay lifestyle.

Well, this place has
seen more threesomes
and fists in the tush than me.


Hey, listen, you need any
help, you come see us, alright?
- We got four now.

- Oh fuck.

Terrier, Jerika,
Kerrigan and Olive.

Low motility.

Yeah, they stuck a bunch of eggs up
because my guys don't swim so good.

Well, I guess they had
a fucking grappling hook.

They blew out Janie's vulva.

It's so great to have you home.

Just like old times.

Oh fuck, I hope not.


- Oh, it was a bit
Housewives of Cottage Country up there.

What's this chapter in Sunstroke?
Its canoe jousting.

Yeah, that definitely wouldn't happen
with more melanin on the lake.

It's actually pretty fun, though.

There's a tournament every summer.

My dad's won it nine times.

One more, he get a free canoe?
He beats Wayne Moore's record.

That dude's a talking shark.

So a bunch of guys
affirming patriarchal rituals
of dominance and aggression.

Maybe I should try.

Subvert the system.

You would be going up
against the junior champ.

And I hear he's unbeatable.

Sounds like a dare.

So, must be weird not
having the old place, huh?
Never thought you'd let it go.

Yeah, well, it wasn't
really up to me, Wayne.

Do you know who owns it now?
I dropped
by earlier today.

- Mm.

- Wow.

- Mm.

- And you were cool with that?
Guys, you
can't live in the past.

You know, you gotta move on.
And, um
you know what? I'm actually
gonna go say hi right now,
but it was great chatting with you both.

And you you have not changed at all.

- Exactly the same.

- What does that mean?
I don't know.

- Hey, Victor.

Do you know Riley?
Yes, from earlier.

From the gas and goin' down, not on you.

I mean, like in flames.

Because when we met, I was such a re
We don't say that word anymore.

That's a bad word.

So good to meet you again
for a second time to do this again.

And this is my son, Darian.

- Opal.

- I'm so sorry.

Last time.
Opal is his chosen name.

- My pronouns are he and him.

- Hey, me too.

Pronoun twinsies.

We're having
a bit of a rough night.

Opal's pick got
torpedoed for movie night.

But I got there first.

That's why there's a sign up sheet.

Now, we have to watch
the Minions.

I thought Minions were cool.

More like cretins.

You can watch "Carol,"
later with your Zoom crew.

Fine, but Killian can't
watch porn when we do.

The buffering's maddening.


- Tough sell.

- He's still a bit upset
over getting booted off
the talent show committee.

He wanted to replace
the annual show with
Canadian Diva Edition.

- Oh.

- You start in with Anne Murray.

Work your way through
Jann Arden, K.
Sarah McLachlan.

Anyone can do Celine or Shania.

Yeah, that's so true.

I really want to meet your wife.

Dying to, in fact.
Is she around?
Yeah, yeah,
there's something you
should know about my
Justin Lovejoy?
- Maisie-May?
- Your stepsister.

home, little brother.



Remember, brace before you swing.

Oh, I'll brace.
Your face.


- That's weak.

Still gonna destroy you.

Here's the thing about pride and fal

Told you to brace

Works both ways.

Oh, my God.

Killian, stop pawing her.

She's not a chew toy.

Uh uh, Billie, this is
uh, Kerri, Terri, Jerri.
And Olive.

- Hi.

- They have the cottage
across from the boathouse.

Look at what we nicked from the canteen.

This Tiltin's 'bout to get turnt.



Shot! Shot! Shot! Shot! Shot!
Shot! Shot! Shot! Shot! Shot!

- You ready, Jerri?
- It's Terri.

Whatever, Taylor.

- Nice.

- Go Terri,
- go Terri, go Terri
- Let's go, Airy.




Shot! Shot! Shot! Shot!

- Shot! Shot! Shot!
Shot! Shot! Shot! Shot! Shot!
- Maybe that's enough?
Back off, Kissy.

I don't understand.

My dad was gonna sell the cottage
so that your mom could
buy, some, like
condo in Florida.

He changed his mind.

So what? Did
you like, buy it from him?
No, he left it to me.

I think he saw how much it meant to me.

And how much it meant to the boys.

He wanted to keep it in the family.

Yeah, it's weird because
we're not even related.

Your mom is like barely
married to my dad.

16 years.
Yeah, but the
first two don't count.

He was still married to my mom.

Listen, I know that you and your
Dad didn't have an easy relationship.

I mean, I'm not making
excuses for his behaviour.

After you gave Billie up,
he really did change.

You should have seen him with Opal.

And I understand why you left.

I couldn't imagine giving my babies up.

I know how much the lake meant to you
when you were growing up.
I mean,
that's why you brought
Billie here, right
- Shot! Shot! Shot! Shot!
- Oh, my God, Billie.

Oh, you
know we don't litter.

Shot! Shot!
- Drink up!

Hey, hey, what's going on here?
Oh, hi.

I'm tilting the shit
out of these three
- Six bitches.

Whoa, whoa.

Easy, Spinnie-Minnie.

- Mm.

- She had it when we got here.

What's goin' on?

It's fine, Maisie, I
can handle it, alright?
Well, let me help
I know these kids.

I would know them too if
you didn't steal the cottage.

- Oh, my God
- They stole our cottage?
- [JANE.]
What's going on, girls?
- Uh, I don't know.

We were just teaching
her how to tilt, Mom.

Yeah, she was like
this when we got here.

The rules are very clear
about underage drinking:
A two week suspension
from boathouse privileges
and the parents pay a $200 fee
to the Canteen Renovation Fund.

Both biological and adopted.

I don't want to go to Bible camp.

Shit, your breath.

The only one drinking here is me.


- Oh, my God.

You know what?
Why shouldn't I be drinking?
My birthright was stolen from me
by trickery and deception.

- There was no
- De-cep-tion.


Oh, fuck.
I forgot all
about the wine I, uh
Wine before liquor.

- Never sicker.

- That's right, girls.

To reclaim my family honour,
I challenge you,
by the sacred blood
oath of trial by tilt.

That's not a thing.

Come on.
Let's see where this goes.

This could be good.
Come on.

If defeated in lawful tilt,
you have to return the
cottage to its rightful owners.

Will you answer the call?
No We will.

- What?
Trust me.

The challenge was actually for Maisie.

Well as her husband and champion,
I'm sworn to defend her honour.

A moment, Sir Lancelot.

You can't win.

Victor's been tilting champ nine
I lost every tilt and my father's love
by the third grade, but if I do this,
no one is going to
remember your drinking.

Are you insane? You can't give
away our cottage if you lose.

Just play along.
Babe, he just found out
that his dad gave it
to you.
I'll let him
knock me around a little,
make him feel better.

Trust me.

We're ready!
You're gonna humiliate yourself
in front of all these people?
For you?


But I'm gonna need you
to walk me to the dock
because a lot is starting to spin.

It's happening, it's happening.

We got a tilt.

- Hi.

- [RILEY.]

- Hi.

- [RILEY.]

Perhaps we should go
inside and have some bread.



We didn't steal your dad's cottage.

Birth dad.

And whatever you thought
was happening here

It's over.

We're not really gonna lose
our cottage if Daddy loses,
- Right, Mom?
- No, sweetie.

Just our dignity.

Oh, my God.

Pick it up.






What the fuck?

Don't forget to brace.


Oh, nope!

- Oh, shit.

That was disappointing.

- Ah, I'm gonna grab a beer.

- See?



I don't think
anyone saw you vomit
when you hit the water.

I think there's a good chance that
Wayne and Jane posted
my Tilt a Hurl online.

Thank you
from saving me from getting saved.

You know I'm still
going to baptize your ass
in the lake, right?

What happened in Australia?
Why'd you come back?
My ex became a Buddhist and, you know,
I could deal with the meditating
but it was the chlamydia
that started to feel personal.

But if he hadn't banged
half of Bondi Beach, then
I wouldn't be here with you.

So, thanks, Chris.

Okay, it's your turn.

Why'd your parents want
to send you to Bible camp?
A few sexts accidentally uploading
to the family cloud
may have convinced them
it was time to reconnect
with my birth story.

Ooh, I thought it was
because you got arrested
- at that climate march.

- Oh no, they were proud of that
but my booty shots
to Jared, not so much.

Well, it's hard to
get the lighting right.

I mean, even Captain America made
his pretty dinky look shrinky.

Such a stupid way to
get them to notice me.

We've all sexted a Jared.

What was he, like, a
DJ? Or a snowboarder?
Leader of my activist youth circle.


I'm so old.

Well, if your parents sent you here,
he must be either 40 or 12.


And he starts grad school in the fall.

Because that's why you sent those pics?
For his big brain?
But if you hadn't sent him child porn,
then you wouldn't be here.

So thanks, Jared.

Who's Jared.

Oh, um
Uh, he's my, um my weed dealer.

God, wished he delivered.

Um, Mom wanted me to give you
some of your dad's old stuff.

- Hey, thanks.


Don't get into drinking contests
with Kerri, Terri or Jerri.

Olive's the weak link.


Holy shit, I think he just
proposed to you in boy.

His family stole our cottage.

But maybe there's regret
and a sound environmental
policy under those abs.

Now you're too young to daydream,
so you need a project.

Make out town is that way.


Killian! Killian!

Hey, I found this.


Are you okay?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.


Didn't you shove that
down your pants yesterday?
My grandpa made it.

My grandma taught me to
needlepoint at the cottage.

So, we'd embroider when
it rained.
And my dad
hated it.

You know, because he
thought I should be out
catching frogs or pissing on shit
or doing whatever it is
that little straight boys do.

But then when grandma died,
my grandpa let me teach him
the petit point and it just
It just kept her alive for us.

"There once was a man from Chile,
with holes down the length of his willy.

When he got an erection,
he could play a selection
of the opera Aida by Verdi?"
He was a little racist.


So where's Killian.

Oh, he's gone already.

Think this fell out of
the box he brought us?
It's an addendum to Dad's will.

Maisie doesn't own the cottage.

It's in a trust.

And if she ever leaves
it passes to me.

Your dad changed his will so
you could get the cottage back.

I I doubt it.

I mean, I begged him,
I begged him not to sell the cottage.

And then he said to me, "Well,
if keeping it in the family
was so important to you,
then why'd you give up
- my only grandkid?"
- Dark.

If we could get Maisie to leave
Like if we could find the right push
Like off a dock?
Well, no.
She's a varsity swimmer.

We'd have to hold her under.

We need to give Maisie
a reason to leave.

And then what?
And then we take back what's ours.

Because your birth dad
ain't nobody's bitch.

Heard you missed us ♪
Yeah, guess who's back ♪
Guess who's back ♪
Guess who's back ♪
Wake up the people Sh-shake it out ♪
Hope you don't mind
if we get a little loud ♪
I'm on a new kick
Yeah, sing some more ♪
The future is knockin' at your door ♪
Heard you missed us ♪
Heard you missed us ♪
Yeah, guess who's back ♪
Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah ♪
Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah ♪
Guess who's back ♪
Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah ♪
Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah ♪
Guess who's back! ♪
Next Episode