The Larry Sanders Show (1992) s02e13 Episode Script

Being There

[Hank] That sign says "Applesauce.
" No, no, i'm kidding.
It says "applause.
" Ray, do me a favor.
Could you flick that once? [Applause] All right.
Now, remember, you're all A big part of the show, So the better you are, The better larry is.
You see this gentleman Giving me this sign? It says "we're on In 10 seconds.
" So get ready To have a good time.
All right, here we go.
This is exciting, Isn't it? [Man] In 5, 4, 3, 2 ** [theme] live on tape from hollywood, The larry sanders show.
tonight, join larry and his guests burt reynolds, paula poundstone, musician paul westerberg, and me, "hey, now" hank kingsley.
and now, because he's all dressed up with no place to go, larry sanders! [applause] Thank you.
Thank you very much.
Night after night, You can count on me Being here.
Julia roberts, it was just Recently announced, Collapsed on the set Of her new movie, And there was Immediate speculation That she was pregnant, But it turns out it had Just finally dawned on her That she had married Lyle lovett, Which would cause anyone Just to pass out.
The defense department Canceled the star wars program, Which is a shame Because, of course, It was the most consistent work Mark hamill ever had.
O.
K.
, We'll be right back.
No flipping.
We'll be back With new products.
No flipping.
You can flip A switch And wake up To the sound of A switch flipping.
Mm-hmm.
The prop master Is flipping me off.
That's for Machine-gun fire.
[Machine-gun fire] Jake woodward, Ladies and gentlemen, Our substitute Bandleader tonight.
[Applause] And this week.
Where'd you learn To do that, jake? Juilliard.
Money well spent, jake.
Thank you.
O.
K.
, Let's try Another setting.
Another setting.
[Woman moaning] Wow.
Can you imagine Waking up to that? Actually, i was wondering If the alarm clock Was free later tonight.
Yes, indeedy.
Well, i think we found A new bandleader.
I mean, amazing chops, Delightful personality.
I agree.
Yeah.
I'll miss Colin, though.
Oh, fucking moron-- Leaving us to go on tour With amy grant.
Jesus! Artie, he found god.
Blah, blah, blah.
You know, the funny thing-- What? Jake woodward-- Isn't he funny? Oh, yeah, right.
He was good.
He was good.
Is anyone buying that accent? I mean, it's Yakov smirnoff time.
Hank, we were talking About adding jake To the larry sanders family.
What do you think? Well, honestly, i think We should keep looking.
I mean, i have a friend Who's flying in this weekend.
He's the arranger For the lido revue At the stardust In vegas.
He's very hot.
I got to go.
You don't have To go to vegas.
He's coming here.
No, i've got to go home.
What-- are you Grabbing my elbow? Am i? Yeah.
You grabbed my elbow.
Please.
Thank you.
What are you doing? What are you-- I'm just-- I just want you to-- Musicians are Needy people.
I think the last thing We want around us, Especially you, Is needy people.
You're right.
You're right.
You're fired.
Ha ha ha! All right.
You see, Now, that's funny.
Let's take a second and examine, Why is that funny, exactly? Because we've got A rhythm, magic.
You don't mess that up By throwing An outsider into the mix.
All right, i'll think about it.
You've got to trust the magic.
You're right.
Maybe we're Doing this too quickly.
Give it another thought.
I think so.
We're thinking about it.
Okay.
Well, thank you.
I've spoken my piece.
I feel better.
Okay.
Okay.
All right, thanks.
You'll call jake's Agent tomorrow.
Hire him.
I'll try right now.
See you tomorrow.
Where you going? I got to go home, artie.
What are you running off for? You going to clock in? No, francine and i Are having a dinner And i don't want to be late.
Oh! The lady has you On a short leash.
That is not what it is, Artie.
I fucked this Relationship up once, I just don't want To fuck it up again.
Got ya.
Aren't you Forgetting something? No.
What? Oh, fuck me.
Poker at james coburn's place! Oh, god.
I forgot.
I went to a great to Arrange this because You said you were dying to-- I want to go, but i've Got to go home, artie.
The great Jimmy caan will be there, At your request, Dying to see you.
Let's do it next week, o.
K.
? I got the flowers For francine.
I had them bring The car around back.
These are great.
Have fun, o.
K.
? Thank you.
Hey, larry.
Hey, jake, Good show tonight.
Was it o.
K.
I did that bit During the clock thing? Are you kidding? It was truly colossal.
Yeah, it was good.
I don't want To step on hank's toes.
No, no.
Oh, screw hank.
So it was o.
K.
? I agree With artie, Except about Screwing hank.
That's a personal Judgment call.
Francine? I'm home! I hope larry Found my note.
God, you know, mom and dad Couldn't believe it when they Heard you were back with him.
Mom and dad couldn't believe it The first time i wore pants.
Give me a break.
What did they say? Well, you know, Mom just shook her head, And dad made a face Like somebody farted.
I just hope larry Found my note.
We were going to have A nice dinner tonight.
He's going to come home, I won't be there-- God, who lives there? I have no idea.
Oh, god.
You know, larry's really Got you on a schedule, huh? This has nothing To do with larry.
You say you're going to be Somewhere at a certain time, You should be there.
That's what a mature Relationship is all about.
Is that Aaron spelling's house? No, that's The mormon tabernacle.
I'm sorry, I think you're crazy.
I mean, larry is Such a show-biz guy.
I don't know.
Larry's matured a lot Since you last saw him.
I really think this Will work this time.
Look, it seems to me Larry just really Cares about the show.
That's his whole thing With him-- the show, the show.
It's the first thing Out of his mouth Every time i see him.
"You have to come To the show.
" Who cares? Larry? Is that him? Larry? Yes.
What are you doing? Nothing.
I'm sitting here Having a nice dinner.
Where were you? Something came up, i had to Pick up dora at l.
A.
X.
Didn't you get My note? No.
I left it right over By the door.
I'm a little Pissed off.
Get off your ass And say hello To my sister.
Hello, dora.
Nice to see you.
I got you some pudding.
Hi, larry.
You look great.
So do you.
Thanks.
Hey, you'll have to Come down to the show.
Well, uh, can i use The bathroom? It's through the kitchen And to the right.
It's kind of weird.
Don't forget to flush.
[Chuckles] Or not.
It's up to you.
Oh, boy.
You know I'm sorry.
She had A huge fight with sam.
She jumped on a plane.
I left you a note.
I busted my ass To get here.
I know.
Do you know what kind of Responsibilities i have at work? And artie and i had An important meeting With james caan.
We can still Have dinner.
I can't have dinner, I'm filled up with pudding.
Are these for me? That's Nice.
Why are you never here? What? You're never here.
I'd like to know why You're never here.
What you mean is Why am i never here When you want me here? I did not say that.
What about me? What about all those times When i'm sitting here alone While you're off doing the show? Let's stick To one thing.
[Ahem] You're out Of toilet paper.
You know what it is? In most of the relationships You've been involved in, You've been larry sanders-- the larry sanders.
Yeah.
And the women-- Well, it doesn't matter, Because you've been the larry sanders.
You've got to Initial right there.
Suddenly, Here comes francine.
She's her own person With her own agenda.
Initial.
And you're Not her whole life, You're just part Of her life.
You love her, right? Yeah.
You're having trouble Because you're interpreting Her interest in her own life As disinterest In yours.
Mm-hmm.
That's What i'm doing.
Artie, that's i'm doing.
That's what you're doing.
Yeah, sign it And initial it here.
So if you can get over Your old habits, Then you can Work it out And you won't Have a problem.
God, you should Have a column.
Guys, i don't want to take Too much of your time, So i'm just going to Say this real quickly.
Hank, if this is About jake woodward, I don't want to hear it! No, it's not about that! Well, what is On your mind, hank? I'm sorry.
I lied.
It's about jake.
God damn it, hank.
Whatever's best For the show, We do that, right? Yeah.
We're a team, right? Give me an "l," Give me an "a," Give me an "r," Give me an "r," Give me a "y.
" What's that spell? Come on! What's that spell? Larry.
God damn right, Larry.
Jake, my boy, How goes it? You wanted To talk to me? Can it wait A minute, pal? We're in the middle Of something with mr.
Kingsley.
Sure, yeah.
It'll just be A sec, Or to use your Musical lingo, A couple Of half notes.
[Both chuckle] It's not a problem.
I've got an easy schedule.
See you later.
You see, larry [Imitates jake's accent] "Schedule.
" Larry, if he stays Or if he goes, That's your decision.
I'm just going to-- I'm going to support that.
Hank, we're Bringing jake on As the new Bandleader.
Is that okay with you? ** [Music playing] [Applause] Thank you.
Welcome to the show.
All right.
Well, all right, fine.
Great.
Thank you.
Uh, bill clinton said today From the economic summit In tokyo-- Bill clinton said that The republicans' budget plan Is all smoke And mirrors.
I mean, this guy cannot stop Using drug references.
How about you, jake? Jake, uh, did you vote For clinton? No, but i think I sold him some pot At oxford.
He was there.
Let me tell you.
He definitely inhaled.
He just hasn't Exhaled yet.
[Chuckles] [Hank] Our commander-in-grief.
What does that mean, Hank? Commander-in-grief? Commander-in-grief, Because he's giving us So many problems.
All right.
I think maybe clinton's Not the only one in trouble.
We'll be right back.
Stay tuned.
No flipping.
Jake, you were very Funny out there.
Thanks, guys.
I'm having A fucking blast.
I got to tell you.
The difference You make-- The energy, you can Really feel it.
Can't you, larry? You o.
K.
, Hank? Never better.
Let me say I noticed the birds Were quite taken With you.
Birds? The ladies.
The ladies.
I see.
Squealing after The number, hmm? Thanks for switching On the squeal sign.
No, no, no.
Come on.
Don't be modest.
No.
Don't be.
I think the ladies Did love you, jake.
Hank, don't miss that bus To carnaby street.
Just one second, Please.
Don't mess with me, Mr.
Music man.
I'm warning you.
Step on my turf again, And you're going down.
You dig? Chill out.
Yeah, well, i'll chill out When you fucking get out.
You're touching My fucking arm, hank.
[British accent] Oh, am i? Yes, you are.
Am i-- am i really? [American accent] I'm warning you.
Hello, arthur.
Francine, my beauty.
God, tonight's show Was the cake, But you definitely Are the icing.
Thank you.
Don't tell me-- This is My sister dora.
A double dollop Of icing.
You remember arthur, He produces the show? Yes, hi.
Hello, dora.
Hi, francine.
Beverly, dora.
Dora, beverly.
Dora, how are you? Fine.
Fine.
Larry, i need These 8 x 10s signed So they can go out.
Here are your tickets For san francisco.
Good.
Good.
You have The gold pen? You're going To san francisco? When? Yeah.
we're going.
This friday, We're going up for-- I'm doing That one-nighter At circle star Theater.
We talked about This weeks ago.
I don't think so.
Yeah.
Maybe beverly Mentioned it to you.
No.
Well, it'll be fun.
I'm not going.
The creative action Coalition's Having a barbecue For barbara boxer.
I promised them i'd go And maybe do a story on it.
Can't you cancel? Why is it you think That whatever you're doing Is so much more important Than whatever i'm doing.
I did not-- i never said that.
What i said was I would like us to go To san francisco For the weekend together.
I'd like to stress that I said the word "together.
" Are you actually asking me To quit my job? I never said anything About quitting your job.
At least admit it.
I-- what Being in a relationship Requires sacrifice.
That's what it is.
I was here last night On time.
O.
K.
Well, so, I'll just quit my job, And you'll quit Your fucking show, And we'll be like this Good.
That would be great.
Together like this? Hey, great.
Wouldn't that Be great? Screw it.
Your show's on In five minutes.
Enjoy it.
It's on [Door slams] Did any of johnny's Wives work? Well, they were Fully functional.
Is that the question? Not exactly, artie, But that's good To know.
Did they have Outside interests? You mean besides Revolving around johnny Like so many moons Around jupiter? No.
Yes.
All of johnny's wives Had the same first name, So that confused things From the get-go.
Listen, larry.
Jesus, god.
Francine's got a job.
Big deal.
My first wife was Working 12-hour days When we first got married.
How did you Handle that? I fired her ass.
She was my secretary.
My name's hank kingsley.
How do you do? [Applause] You're going to be great.
Tell larry they're great.
O.
K.
? All right.
So Let's see.
Oh! Over there, a very Important gentleman-- kent.
Say hello to kent, Our stage manager.
[Applause] Now, kent Is very important.
Now, show them that contraption That you're wearing.
Please.
You see? Now, that allows him to talk Directly to the director-- Or so you think-- But he's not doing that.
He's ordering dinner From the mcdonald's On alameda.
[Sparse laughter] [Drum roll, fanfare] [More laughter] Who is that? That's jack woodward, folks-- Our bandleader.
It's, uh, jake, Actually, hank, In case you forgot.
Jake.
Jack woodward-- We're very fortunate To have him here.
We outbid some Of the finest High-school marching bands To get him tonight.
I do miss my baton And furry hat.
[Laughter] Interesting When those drugs Just kick in Like that, isn't it? Isn't that great? But he's doing Very well.
We're glad To have him, Especially since Those charges Against having Sex with minors Has been dropped.
It has been dropped, Hasn't it? [Silence] Now, uh Let's see.
Where am i? Oh, you see these, Uh Excuse me.
You see these, uh Uh Signs over here! That say "applesauce.
" No, they don't.
They say "applause.
" Can i hear applause? Come on! All right! What the hell Are you fucking doing? Have you lost your Goddamn fucking mind? I'm sorry.
I mean, I think the audience knew-- They knew i was joking.
That audience comes On busses, hank.
They can barely tell When i'm joking.
Hi, phil.
[Gasps] Jesus, What time is it? Um, 6:40.
Good.
I missed the show.
I can't believe You're bringing him Dinner At his office.
It's romantic.
It's pathetic.
You have to protect Yourself.
You have To keep yourself At a safe distance.
I've been keeping myself At such a safe distance From larry, I'm turning Into a jerk.
Do you remember How bad things were? I was an idiot then.
At some point, You get over it, right? O.
K.
O.
K.
I It's your life.
O.
K.
Come on.
Come on.
Let's go.
This place Gives me the creeps.
Here's the key To my car and my apartment.
You're not coming.
I'll be at larry's Tonight, all right? In my own defense, You know, that joke About sex with minors-- I think i confused them.
I think they actually Thought i meant miners.
You know, Down in the mines.
That was a real delight.
Child molestation? Very classy.
Very funny.
All right, jake.
I'm not Having some clown In a fucking girdle Talking like that.
Listen.
Hmm.
I'm sorry.
Let's cool down.
All right.
No.
Number one, Number one, Number one-- I wear this girdle For medical reasons, All right? I am performing With pain.
Christ.
And number two, Asshole, Is that if i'm a clown, It's because i am funny, And you're not, dickface.
You are a joke.
A joke! That's right.
Exactly.
God damn it.
Settle down, Act like gentlemen.
[Francine] Hi.
Hello.
Hello.
Honey, Why are you here? I thought we'd have A little after-show Picnic.
Oh, that is great.
You got my favorite cheese With the mold.
A great bottle Of wine.
What do you say? I'm in.
Picnic? Let's do it in my office.
Larry, can we talk? Come on, larry.
I just have to do this.
O.
K.
Then i'll be Right there.
Jake, i apologize, And hank apologizes, Don't you, hank? Damn right he does.
Go ahead.
All right.
I apologize, o.
K.
? I apologize.
Great.
[Artie] Shake his hand.
All right.
What i did was Out of line.
This is just For right here, So take your tea And your crumpets And, uh, queen mum And shove them up Your jolly old rectum.
Oh, jesus.
Prick.
Larry, i'm sorry.
Look.
I've really Had enough.
No, i'm quitting.
I quit.
What do you mean? This will take one-- One second.
What do you mean? I can't carry on Like that.
Doing some like this Takes sacrifice, o.
K.
? All of us.
Everybody Has to sacrifice.
I'm sorry.
I've no idea What that means.
You don't know? Fucking Preschool! Excuse me.
I've got to go.
[Jake] Get your hands off My fucking equipment! [Artie] Sounds like a rumble.
[Hank] This equipment belongs To the larry sanders show, Featuring me, "hey, now" Hank kingsley! What are you-- You limey piece of shit.
Take your hands off me.
[Drums clatter] I was here first! Hey! Hey! Hey! [Larry] Get off him, artie.
Honey, i'm really so-- This is really Good cheese.
Where is she? Oh, she left 20 minutes ago.
She did? Are you kidding? No.
You want some wine? No.
I got To go home.
Was she, uh Upset? What do you think? All right.
Maybe i'll Have a glass of wine.