The Larry Sanders Show (1992) s02e14 Episode Script

Performance Artist

[Larry] My next guest Needs no introduction, He's an old friend Of the show I'm a big fan, And i'm a big friend, i hope.
George segal.
Give him a warm welcome.
[Cheering and applause] [George] Thank you, larry.
Nice to see you.
Thank you.
Have you been making Any movies recently? I'm a big fan of yours, And i lose track Of what you're doing.
Larry, we have Touched on this before.
I've done direct hit.
That's with william forsythe.
He plays, Usually, heavies.
Now he's playing A rogue cia agent, And i'm his-- I'm kind of The section manager.
When will that Be coming out? I don't know.
Then i've got me, myself, and i With jobeth williams.
Is she all three-- Me, myself, and i? She has another Personality.
When does That come out? I don't know.
All right.
Um, i-- i-- You've done these? These are In the can.
Okay, what else? Any others? Yes, yes.
This one is called down deep.
When does that come out? I don't know.
Let me ask you A couple other Questions.
Certainly.
I saw your house A few years ago.
It was for sale In beverly hills.
Did you sell it? Yes, we did.
Beautiful house.
It was.
Why were you Selling it? We were getting Out of town, larry.
We-- you were-- Mrs.
Segal and myself.
And has she Been released? No.
She's still In the can.
She's still In the can.
Are you kidding? The segal sequence Was hilarious.
When you said that thing About his wife linda In the can, i split a gut.
I almost had to run To the can myself.
I love george.
You know that, But we have him on Every month, artie.
Don't you think That's a little much? Hank's on every night.
I've been meaning To talk to you About that.
Who's on Tomorrow night? Hold on.
Mr.
George segal.
Why don't i Find that funny? You won't find This funny, either.
This memo Is from the network.
They've got a parcel Of horseshit Called their Fall schedule.
They want us to book All their stars.
Prepare to be dazzled.
Ms.
Marla gibbs, My dear friend Conrad bain.
John ritter.
Always funny.
Ben vereen.
Up and tapping, thank god.
Susan dey.
Pertful little skirtfull.
Same people, artie.
The same Old faces plugging The same old shit.
Somebody needs A vacation.
No.
When i go home At night, I can't even remember What i say To these people.
That's why The good lord Invented videotape.
You need dinner, Drinks, and I want a staff meeting Tomorrow.
About what? About what? I know what to do, artie.
This is A serious problem.
I'll take care of it At 10:30 tomorrow-- That means 10:30? Yeah.
10:30 sharp.
What are you Going to do? What am i going to do? What am i going to do? Uh-huh.
What the fuck Are we waiting here for? He wants a meeting.
That's all i know.
Mark my words, Children.
Somebody Is going down.
They started With jerry.
They'll do it Again.
You really think so? Listen, mike.
Is it mike? Yeah.
Mike, this is A tough business.
I'd hate to be lar And have to figure which of you Will get it right in the neck.
It might not be One of us, hank.
We didn't Introduce r.
E.
M.
As "rem" last week.
Oh, my brave, Brave phil.
Always with The jokes and yet So very desperate.
If somebody gets fired, It will be me.
No.
No, it is.
I've been here The shortest time.
No.
Let me tell you What's going to happen.
Larry will decide Nothing works On the show And that everything Needs to be changed.
He'll take Antidepressants, And everything Will be normal.
All right.
Let's get going, everyone.
For the meeting.
If someone Gets fired, It should Be mike.
He's been here The shortest.
Thanks, hank.
Save it for the meeting.
It's 11:00.
It's time For the big meeting.
I'm just getting A haircut.
Let's get in here.
Let's hustle.
Gustave, ca va.
Time for a trim later? merci.
Hey, a haircut, Huh? No.
He's just Checking it.
That's a great haircut.
He's just started.
I can tell that Will be a great one.
Good.
Thank you.
Hank, sit down.
Chief, the floor Is all yours.
Good.
Uh I know i called this meeting On short notice, But there's a serious problem Here at the show, And it's a problem That i think i can-- Do you want to Just give me one second? A problem i can sum up With one word-- guests.
Guests.
Thank you, jesus.
What did you think The problem was? [All] Guests.
I'm sure our Capable booking staff-- Mr.
Bernstein, ms.
Rosatti, And ms.
Markel Will entertain Everyone's suggestions.
Good.
If there's A problem With the guests, We can Take care of it.
Great, thank you Kiki.
Kiki.
I know you, kiki.
How's your How's your, uh-- Well.
Thanks.
Now, i know there's A lot of competition.
There's a ton Of talk shows on, And everyone's after The same guests, But we've got to Come up with people Other talk shows Haven't gotten.
Hear, hear.
I'm sorry.
Excuse me.
Could you repeat That last part? Which part? About the people Was i unclear about-- Clear to me.
Perfectly clear.
Thank you.
Let's look At who we have this week.
Tony randall.
Ok.
Tony's on what? Every other week? He's always great.
Every other week.
He's great, but he's On every other week.
And jay thomas.
Who is jay thomas? He's on love and war.
That guy? He's on Every 3 weeks, And who is al nelson? He's the plate spinner.
He was a regular On sullivan 30 years ago.
He's older now, And he's started Using chinette, But people Still flip for him.
Uh, larry, Excuse me Just so i'm clear About this, This is a booking Problem, right? [Artie] Phil, shut the fuck up.
I'll handle it.
Phil, shut the fuck up.
[Artie] Thank you.
Now, listen.
We've got to find Some interesting, Provocative people That i haven't talked to yet.
There's got to be some Out there.
Some creative booking, Please.
Let's see Some fresh meat.
Mike, You're new here.
I'll let that slide, But-- Hank, Put your hand down.
You know, I'm serious about this.
Either we find New guests, Or we're going to be Looking for a new staff.
I know larry said He'd welcome input From anywhere, But get on with it.
Robert conrad.
No.
No.
Owes me a favor.
Pick up the phone.
Hello, bobby.
That's not what We're looking for.
Neil diamond.
We're looking For something new.
New.
New.
New.
I'll work on that.
Sorry.
I got it.
Ho! Raymond burr, With whom I once had the honor Of playing golf.
He's in the new Perry mason show.
Hello, perry.
Not that! Ahh! I like The documentary-- The woman Documentary-maker And, uh, The libertarian candidate.
Who else Do we have there? The performance artist-- Tim miller.
Extremely avant-garde, Very hot.
Performance art.
That's a bunch Of dog poop.
What does he do? Get stark naked? Cover himself With chocolate Syrup? He's a very Provocative monologist Who talks about His own life As a gay american man.
Is this What you want? I just, uh-- I-- i-- is he funny? Funny? Listen to this.
A garrulous assault Of anecdote, humor, Observation, And social comment Punctuated by movement And channeled Through life experience.
Good.
Book him.
Suddenly, i'm thrown Out of my father's penis Into my mom's body.
I'm surrounded by thousands Of squirming creatures.
I'm swimming upstream, One queer spermlette Fighting the odds.
A sperm Looking like jesse helms Tries to catch me.
I elude him and find A willing lesbian ovum.
We fertilize.
There's an explosion Of creative electricity.
The drums build their tempo.
And ecce homo.
Behold the fag.
[Light applause] [Larry] Tim miller! Well, tim miller.
Tim.
That was wild.
[Audience booing] All right.
All right.
That Is not necessary.
Mr.
Miller-- It's ok.
It's nothing I haven't heard before.
Obviously cares About what he did Out there.
I apologize For our audience.
Let's try And stay open.
[Hank] Right.
Stay open.
That was great.
I enjoyed it.
Thanks.
People aren't Used to seeing This sort of thing On a talk show.
I don't do Many talk shows.
The format's Not so receptive To new forms Of expression.
Very true.
That is true.
[Man] Go back to san francisco! I'm from l.
A.
All right, I got him.
There's a little thing In this country Called freedom Of expression.
[Scattered applause] We want to allow mr.
Miller To express himself.
That's what This country's about.
What the fuck was He doing out there anyway? What? I warned you, Didn't i? You said nothing.
I warned you With my eyes.
I heard nothing.
I saw nothing.
That wasn't The tape i saw.
The tape was not That gay.
I don't mind The gay thing.
He's talking About butt plugs.
He's talking about His father's orgasm.
Okay, i know, i know.
I'm trying To figure out What you want-- How far We can go.
That is too far.
Great.
So now i know The boundaries.
We can pull back.
Please pull back.
We can't air that.
Hell, no.
Psychotic freak.
I'll have them rack up A rerun immediately.
I get that, But mr.
Miller's Going to want An explanation.
Oh, horseshit! I'll talk to him-- Lay it on the line.
It was my decision.
It was my mistake.
We think you're Terrific, timbo.
The network simply Will not let us air it.
Because They're sensitive About many topics, Many or all of which You've touched upon.
Is that a correct Representation, larry? Yeah.
Yeah.
Absolutely.
Well, what did we Expect, right? Television networks, Model of corporate Cowardice.
Well, you'll Fight it, right? Fuckin' a.
Damn right.
What you said out there About freedom of expression-- They have to Listen to you.
It's your show.
Absolutely.
His show.
Well, thanks.
Thank you, timbo.
I appreciate Your time.
Good.
Good.
You're really talented.
Bye.
Great.
Terrific.
Keep it up! You think he bought The network thing? Entirely.
Yeah? We're not Completely lying.
We can't air this, Right? Let's just get On the phone right now And get this over with.
Listen to me, melody, The man said "Butt plug" three times! And you and i both Know you can't-- You can say "butt plug"? Since when? [Laughs] Well, that's beside The point, isn't it? Are you looking at the Transcript that we faxed over? And-- i can't believe You're serious.
Oh, fine.
Fine.
Good-bye.
Good news? The network says That it is our decision And they find no problem With the piece.
What do you mean? They're hanging us Out to dry.
Fuck me.
Larry, the east-coast Affiliates Will need a show On the satellite In about 15 minutes.
Fuck! You want to air it? I don't want to be Part of cutting him.
Well, you want me To make the decision? I'd like To participate In some Limited capacity.
Ok.
Then i'll decide.
I'll count to 10, And if you agree With my choice, Don't say anything.
Fine.
If i say Nothing, i agree.
We're cutting him, And we're airing a rerun.
I agree.
Then don't say anything.
I got excited.
I had the answer.
Let me count.
Go ahead.
We're cutting him.
You agree? Well, if you didn't Say anything.
The network forced us To put on a rerun.
Ok.
That's it.
I just find this Very strange.
You do? Yeah.
Didn't you Just start here? Yeah.
That explains it.
I told my friends To watch tim miller last night.
Why, phil? They haven't Seen anything that good Since my college roommate's Nervous breakdown.
[Chuckles] Well, it was A network decision.
It's out Of our hands.
Scoot the fuck Along, you two.
Try to do Your best work, And this Is your thanks.
Liz smith.
I don't want to Hear any of this.
"Sanders cans Performance by miller.
"Late-night funny man Larry sanders "Couldn't take The heat last night, So he threw mr.
Miller Out of the kitchen.
" Don't tell me any more.
One more.
Oh.
Army archerd.
"Sanders censors Performance artist Appearance.
"When contacted, Network officials "Claimed No responsibility "For mr.
Miller's Unkind cut, "Saying they had No involvement In the decision.
" Let me see that.
Right there.
God.
Rat bastards! They'd eat Their own kind, But i wouldn't believe That army "Mr.
Miller Sent a stinging rebuke "In mr.
Sanders direction, "Calling him The jesse helms Of late-night television.
" Well, hell.
That's not so bad.
How do you think I feel? I'm not mentioned In either article.
Let me see them.
I didn't-- i didn't See you sitting there.
Sorry, boss.
We didn't know You were here.
See? You start Reading that shit, Your brain doesn't have Any cognizance of anything.
This will soon Be forgotten, larry.
Your new season-- We can talk About the surgery.
Your plastic surgery Is great.
You've openly Talked about it.
Yes.
I had My nose done.
Yeah, and And my eyes.
And your eyes.
And, um Any cheekbones? And my, Uh, whole face.
It looks great.
Your whole face.
[Applause] That is great.
I've always been Afraid to build.
Now listen.
You know, um [Laughs] You know, i just Have to say something.
Generally, I think you're Really funny, but-- Yeah? You, um-- Something on your mind? Yeah, and i would be A hypocrite If i didn't say.
Is this About the surgery? It's not About the surgery.
You couldn't Hurt my feelings.
Um Well, Why did you, uh You know that guy tim-- The tim miller guy, The comic? The gay guy? Right.
That you censored Off of your show.
I'm offended That you did that.
Comedy is, like, The last free-speech Art form, larry.
You're supposed to have This cutting-edge Talk show, right? If you're so square, I might as well Do leno.
[Audience] Ooh! We had the guy-- If you're going to be That square And, like, censor a comic-- You're a comic.
Yeah.
And you censored A comic.
[Tom arnold] A good comic, too.
Now tom's going to-- I know the guy.
Tom's not.
Tom isn't--tom isn't-- He's incredible.
Tom arnold! [Audience cheering] Good to see you.
I know.
Listen.
All we're saying is, Remember when You were a comic Working the clubs Before you got The talk show? We try to stay in touch With those roots.
This guy-- i'm not-- This guy tim miller-- He's an innovator.
He's in the vein Of lenny bruce.
He's like the first.
It took you time To become a regular At the comedy store Because mitzi messed With you.
You're doing that To this guy.
He's a good guy.
Wouldn't you like To see him on the show? [Audience cheering] We'll have him Back again.
It was just one Of those things.
If he'd done The material-- I thought you had More balls than that.
Wait a minute.
No, no.
I got to speak now.
Speaking As a man Who thinks-- I know this man.
I have to interject.
Uh, he has balls.
I got to say it.
I have balls.
But they're Little, tiny ones.
[Audience cheering] I, uh I hide them Behind a desk.
Did you have A big battle? Did you want him On the show? We had him on.
There was Some, evidently, Miscommunication About his material.
We were Open to him.
Because it was Gay material.
No.
That has nothing To do with it.
Mr.
Sanders Would like To make amends, timbo.
It must make you Feel quite special.
Yeah, i'm all fucking aglow.
And don't call me Timbo anymore, okay? Oh, quite right.
That's inexcusable.
May i call you tim? Yeah.
Is that yes? Well, tim, larry He wants to ask you To come back on The show And do something We can air Or do Whatever you like.
We can tone it down.
Am i-- is this the-- The right expression? Okay? You've got to be kidding.
I'm not kidding.
I shouldn't have gone On your little plugfest To begin with.
If you think I'll go on again now, You're stupider Than i thought.
Let's Not leave angry.
I'm not angry at you.
You're just puppets.
I just won't appeal To the lowest common Denominator, ok? Television Degrades everybody on it And everybody Who watches it.
Now, tim.
Fuck it, And fuck television.
I don't need it.
A hideous sperm That looks Like senator jesse helms-- Uh-oh-- Tries to catch me.
I elude him, Then quickly find A willing lesbian egg, We agree To power-share, right? And then we fertilize! There's an explosion Of creative electricity.
The drums build their tempo.
And ecce homo.
Behold the fag.
[Applause] Sit.
Tim miller! funny stuff.
sit down.
Very clever.
you know, i can't believe that's the same piece of material they wouldn't let you do on larry sanders' show.
i did it.
it seemed great, and they ran a repeat instead.
i think they freaked.
Turn it off.
You know, Tim's great.
He's got A story to tell.
He's telling How we screwed him.
It's still A great story.
what makes this country great is it's a free country.
people come out and express different views, but that's what it's for.
definitely.
you're welcome here anytime.
thanks a lot.
Turn it off.
Larry, artie, i've got A great guest tonight.
I mean that.
I finally found The boundaries, huh? This one's In the pocket.
Hey, great.
Congratulations.
So you're not smoking, Which i thought was A delight for you.
It was, But as i say, It's just Kind of fallen away.
All right.
Just the cigars, I hope.
Just the cigars.
Everything else Is right there.
Good.
You got to have Something to light.
I'm so happy To have you here.
I'm happy to be here.
Tell me About new projects.
Well, next week, I think They'll be cranking up burke's law, And guess what.
It's going to be Gene barry again No.
And his son.
Yes.
Who else is in it? Angie dickinson Terrific.
Gerald mcraney Right.
Dom deluise.
[Applause] I'm a big fan Of dom deluise.
I am, too, but you Haven't read the script, And if i had My druthers, There's this comic I saw on the leno show-- A guy named tim miller-- Who would have been Sensational.
He's the kind of guy Who'd be perfect On this show.
You should book him.