The Larry Sanders Show (1992) s02e15 Episode Script

Hank's Wedding

* When i'm feeling * * Down * * And feeling sad * * You come around * * And make me glad * * I've got you * * Ooh * * My little chicken * * I love your feet * * I love your breasts * * I love the way You eat gravel * * To help you digest * [Applause] * My little chicken * * People say * * You're usin' me * * In your heart, You're a killer * * But i know * * That the worst I should fear * * Is a slight case Of salmonella * * So-o-oh * * Lie right back * * Don't you cry * * If an egg can fit in there, Why can't i? * * My little * * Chicken likes to wear Garter belts ** That's it.
Adam sandler.
[Applause] Adam sandler.
That was great.
We're out of time.
I'd like to thank All my guests-- Calvin trillin, Whose new book remembering denny, And dinosaur junior, Who'll be on tour All summer.
They were great.
They were great, Weren't they? Hank, anything You'd like to plug Before we go? No, but i'd like to talk To someone, if that's ok.
All right.
Fire away.
Coming up.
Four, please.
Uh Margaret, i love you, And i want to spend the rest Of my life with you.
Would you marry me? [Audience] Aww [Larry] What? [Applause] I have got to start Coming to rehearsal.
Thank you.
What the fuck do you Think that is, huh? Huh? What is this, love connection? All right, go ahead, artie.
Go ahead.
Come on.
Take your best shot.
You can't hurt me.
I'm invincible.
I got the shield Of love around me.
Oh, yeah? You mean you were serious? Yes, i'm quite serious.
You're serious.
Next time you say anything, You check with me.
Wall of love, my ass.
How long have you Known this woman? "This woman" Is margaret dolan.
Two weeks.
An actress.
I met her on A personal appearance tour.
She happens to be Regional sales manager For the sandwich king.
Jesus christ.
You didn't even tell us You were seeing anyone.
I sort of kept her Under wraps.
I figured you guys would Make fun of me.
We wouldn't Do that.
Not to your face.
Go ahead.
Go ahead, i don't care.
Make fun.
Come on, hank.
Hank and margaret Sitting in a tree.
Come on, come on,.
I'm in love.
She's coming! She's coming! [Larry] Who? Margaret.
Come greet her.
Should i get A bundt cake? No, no.
Hank wants her To feel welcome.
It's so important to him.
I'm larry.
It's nice to meet you.
It's nice To meet you.
Let me Show you around.
This is my office.
This is, uh All right, everybody.
I'd like you to meet Margaret dolan, My fiancée.
Oh, my gosh, You said yes! Wonderful! This is darlene.
Darlene, hi.
Hank speaks So highly of you.
Thank you.
Hold still.
There you go.
This is the boss, The big man, The guy who signs The paychecks-- Hey, now! Larry sanders.
Nice meeting you.
It's an honor To meet you.
Please, no pictures.
You must be Beverly.
Yes, margaret, hi.
Um I'm margaret.
I'm sharon.
I'm from the temp agency.
Let me show you around, Meet everyone.
You're from The temp agency.
Nice meeting you.
Nice to meet you too.
The woman's clearly Half his age.
They've known Each other two weeks.
And artie, she worked For some guy named, what, The sandwich king? I believe that's a product.
I mean, who are we To give marital advice? I'm on my fourth wife And, uh-- Fifth.
You-- well, whatever.
And you, of course-- No, no, no, don't.
Listen, what if it Lasts three weeks.
So goddamn what? It's hank's life, larry.
Still, it just doesn't seem-- [Knocking] Ah.
[All chuckling] So? Huh? What do you think? Uh Oh, come on.
I just met her.
You know.
[Hank] And? Nice.
She seemed nice.
She seems, You know, very Pretty.
Yeah? And? And great.
Just great.
Overall great.
Get it out.
She's too pretty.
She's too young.
What is hank doing With someone so normal? I never said that.
I know what people Are saying behind my back.
[Artie] Hank, nobody's Saying anything.
She's been here No one's talking Behind your back.
Look, you're A very talented Successful show-biz Personality.
Any woman would want To marry that.
Me? Ah, you're right.
You're right.
She's so perfect, And i'm afraid to trust it.
I can't believe It's happening.
Me neither.
Larry, we rarely Discuss our feelings, But i love you As much as that girl.
There's no way I'll stand at that altar Without you at my side.
I want you as best man.
No offense, artie.
I would be Happy to, hank.
I hope margaret and i Can be as happy As you and francine.
That is the most Cynical pile of bullshit That i have ever heard In my entire life.
Do you want broccoli? No.
No? She obviously wants Something from him.
Let me tell you something.
Not every single woman In the whole world Wants something From you.
We're not talking About me.
We're talking about hank.
What do you think I want from you? What are you Talking about? I've never taken A nickel from you.
I didn't get shit In the divorce.
And i didn't ask for it.
Please don't do this.
My lawyer said To clean you out, And i said no.
Your mother Said what? My lawyer.
Your-- oh.
You think all women Are out to get you.
Stop yelling at me! God, if hank could only See us like this.
[Whispers] If hank could only See us like this.
What? Nothing.
Hi, guys.
Hey, that's funny.
That is very funny.
Fish, right? Yeah.
It's a desk piece.
What does this fish Look like to you? Um Danny devito? Nicholson.
Oh, yeah.
I can see that.
Am i interrupting Something? Would it be-- Whew.
So odd.
I bet you want to Have the wedding On the show.
My god.
How could you Possibly know that? You should know by now I can see into your soul.
That's Really spooky.
We, if i'm not mistaken, Can't have the wedding On the show.
The liebowitz bar mitzvah Is booked that week.
It's a terrific idea.
I think so.
I'm glad to Hear you say that.
This is A dream come true.
It'll be The two things I love most In the world-- The show, of course, And margaret, Come together in One perfect evening.
I think-- Artie, we can't do A wedding show.
May i remind you Of my old friend tiny tim? As i recall, That was a freak show.
A highly rated one.
You want high ratings? Let's do who shot hank kingsley? Please, larry, Not even as a joke.
If we have The blessed event Right away, We'll make sweeps week.
Artie, wait.
This is not About ratings.
This is about-- Well, it's about Love and commitment And sharing a life.
I don't want it To be a circus.
I want it to be A tasteful testament To marriage.
Hank, three words-- Luke and laura.
Say no more.
We understand each other.
Ah! Are you going To wear tails? Yes, i am.
I'm going to make a call.
I thought you were Going to stay out of it.
That was personal.
This is business.
Yeah, well, you're Forgetting one thing.
After this so-called Wedding show, That man will be married To that woman.
Now, that is what I call great television.
Well, what can I say to hank? Careful.
What do you mean "careful"? I got to say something.
I'm not gonna sit here, Just let him-- That's the best way To end a friendship.
What is? To say something About this.
I can't let him Go through this.
Would you have liked hearing We disliked jeannie? That's a good point.
You didn't Like jeannie? Why didn't you say-- The girl was bad news.
Why didn't you Say something? You could have Saved me a lot of-- Money? Heartache.
Yeah, i probably Would have fired you.
What do you think Of francine? I think she's great.
Excuse me.
I won't fire you.
Tell me what you Think of francine.
Hi, bev.
How are the plans For the bachelor party Going? Good.
The bachelor party.
Real wild night, Isn't it? It'll be wild.
Is it going to be wild? Nuts.
[Chuckles] That's great.
Listen, i got to Ask you a favor.
I don't want to question Your decision-making As a best man, but, uh As far as the bachelor party Is concerned, Please, no hookers.
All right.
I'm really in love.
You know? And i just don't need That kind of pressure.
I mean, if the hookers are There, it's fine for the guys On crew-- i don't Want any part of it.
Okay? Please? Listen, i, uh-- There's something I want to ask you.
Go ahead.
I don't want you to take This the wrong way.
Go on, go ahead.
You'll rest up For tonight, right? I am going to be rested up Because it's going To be wild.
We'll work our Way up to wild.
All right.
[Both] nuts.
I worked at a strip club.
The owner says to me, "You don't need to strip To do the comedy.
" We should book her On the show, artie.
As a regular.
As anything.
As a sidekick! As a sidekick! Sidekick! Hey, hank! [Laughs] Hey, guys.
What did i miss? Some of The finest work By plastic surgeons In hollywood.
Oh, my! [Laughing] Hi-yo! Hi-yo! Hi-yo! God, this is So great! I can't believe it.
It's my bachelor Party, And ed mcmahon is Sitting next to me! You, sir-- You, sir, Are a sidekick's dream.
I got to ask, In all those years, How do you stay so cool? Never let 'em See you sweat.
Never let 'em See you sweat.
You can take that To the bank! What's ed saying? I have no idea.
Can i get Your autograph? Well, i'm not Who you think i am.
Thanks, mr.
Oh ho ho! Ha ha ha! Ok.
Toast to me, And the man to make That toast is-- Sorry-- my friend, My boss, my best man, Hey, now! Hey, oh! [Hank] Larry sanders! Come on.
I'm saving it.
Saving it.
I'm saving it For the wedding.
I'm saving it.
Toast! Toast! Toast! Come on.
I'm saving it, Hank.
I've got an irish toast.
It's off-color.
But if you like Limericks about fucking-- There was a feller From dubuque-- No, thanks.
I want to hear Your toast.
Hey, phil.
Come on, ed.
Let's get another $12 cranberry juice.
All right.
That's a good idea.
I'm going to run To the atm machine.
Hey, thanks For being here, ed.
Having a good time? Yeah, but it's No golden horseshoe.
Hell, no.
I told them that.
Yeah? You know, you hardly Know this girl.
I know what i I need to know.
Jesus christ! You're all Starry-eyed now, And two months From now, You'll wake up At night And not know who The fuck she is.
This is a big step.
I don't think You realize What a big step This is.
I don't think you realize-- I do, i know.
I know that This is a big step And this is the person-- I want to take this Step with her.
What-- bullshit.
If you're going Through some Midlife crisis, Get a porsche The way everybody Else does.
It won't cost you as much, I'm telling you In the long run.
It's not going to take Everything you own.
You think this is About money? You think that she is After my money, don't you? Well, let me tell you something, I don't have Any fucking money.
It's all in the restaurant.
I told you not to take The fucking restaurant either, Didn't i? When are you going to learn You're doing this Out of desperation.
You're doing this Out of some weird-- I get it.
I get it.
Hey! No one Gets to be happy Except the great Larry sanders.
Well, let me give you A prenuptial announcement.
Go fuck yourself.
Keith, let's get rid Of these red gels.
We're not marrying Two mcdonald's French fries.
Make it pink.
Hey, artie? Good.
Yes, sir.
Listen, uh, I just want to tell you I know you've been Behind this marriage 100%.
I really appreciate that.
Thank you.
I cherish Our friendship.
I will not be your Best man.
No, sir.
Wow, that's just spooky.
Larry sanders Is the star of this show, If he's not Your best man, You're not Getting married.
So you two get it Together right now.
I've got the network Promo'ing the shit Out of this thing.
Hey, hank? Hey Hey.
Hey! [Sigh] Ronnie, have joe put An apple box here.
We're lighting Hank's bellybutton.
See that? The man Won't even talk to me.
I want to tell you something I've learned from bitter Experience.
Honesty is The worst policy.
Phil, get away From the champagne.
That's for The reception.
Goddamn it! Larry Artie? [Artie] I'll be right back.
Artie? Um I'm really sorry To hear that You and hank Aren't speaking.
When you've known someone As long as we have Hank tells me That you think We're making A big mistake.
It's just that i worry About, uh, hank.
You mean you worry About me, my motives.
You think that I'm after something.
I just-- [Chuckles] Think this thing Is moving pretty fast.
I never thought That i would want To marry somebody After two weeks, Either, But, um This just, It feels right.
I really do Love him.
So do i.
And finally, this member Of clinton's cabinet, Robert reich Is in charge of-- A.
The treasury, B.
The department of labor, Or c.
The lollipop guild Of course, From the wizard of oz.
That would be the lollipop guild Because he's not that tall.
All right.
And that's the end Of "meet the cabinet.
" Next week, of course, We'll have "Meet the Meet the transportation People.
" You're a good audience.
Of course, coming up Is the big event we've All been waiting for, Hank's wedding.
[Cheering, applauding] It's semi-formal, so you people At home have time to change.
We'll be right back.
[Man] clear! Ready, my boy? Yeah.
Do the musicians-- Do they know when to stop? Oh, everything's under control.
'Cause i don't Margaret's day ruined Because a bunch of long-hairs Can't get it together.
Gavin macleod Is standing by.
He'd love to do this.
I won't be married by The love boat captain.
That's your mark.
Where? Right there.
Bump up the pink.
Hold it! That's it.
Walk away.
You nervous? Sorry? Nervous? Yes.
I just Want to say, I hope This works out.
Thank you.
I mean it.
Margaret's father Hasn't shown up yet.
Hold it.
Everything is under control.
All right! Places, people! What are you Doing, phil? I'm a witness.
We don't need one.
There are 10 million People watching.
But can you Trust them? [Man] ** [Wedding march plays] [Applause] Ladies and gentlemen, Here to perform the ceremony-- You know him from jeopardy!-- Alex trebek.
[Loud applause] Ladies and gentlemen, Today, the answer is Margaret dolan And hank kingsley.
Because these two are Children of california, Margaret and hank Have decided, Like so many other people Before them, That the traditional Wedding vows Are not only uninspired, But uninspiring.
And so they have decided To express their feelings For each other In their own words.
Hank From the moment I met you, I knew you were The one.
Never before Had a man communicated So much to me With so few words The way you did.
In you, I have found My soul mate.
I love you.
[Alex] Hank.
Margaret I thought i knew I'm sorry.
[Scattered laughter] I thought I knew sunshine, But i I thought i "Margaret [Laughter] "I thought I knew sunshine, "But i knew only shade.
"I thought I knew singing, "But i knew Only the tune.
"And i thought I knew love, "But i only knew like.
"You've taught me the words To sing in the sun, "For all the time, I have been drifting, "Searching for happiness.
"But i will search no more, For with you by my side, I am home.
" I am home.
Aw Aw [Sniffling] I now pronounce you Man and wife.
You may kiss the bride.
[Applause] Whoo! Whoo! * Lovely * * Don't you ever change * * Keep that Breathless charm * * Won't you please Arrange it? * * 'Cause i love you * * Just the way You look tonight ** Right here Sounds so nice.
This always happens To me at weddings.
It really is sweet.
Don't you think? Yeah.
It's so-- it's just Beautiful, isn't it? Mm-hmm.
Why isn't ed mcmahon Here tonight? I don't know.
Probably taping something.
If you like This wedding, Maybe we can have ours On the show.
What? I'm Joking.
Why don't we go To hawaii next week? I'm off next week.
Remember when That awful hurricane Happened there, And don johnson And melanie griffith Got trapped? How about The big island? Why? Romantic.
Caribbean, maybe.
Excuse me.
Francine, may i have The pleasure of this dance? I'd love to.
When people lose On jeopardy!, Don't they get Really sad? Hey, tell vanna I said hi.
Artie, sit down.
Sit down.
God, you were great! I can't believe I read those vows.
My career is over.
You'll get A few pot shots, But fuck them.
That was Genuinely sweet.
I'm not Supposed to be sweet.
But you are.
[Kiss] Don't make that sound.
I've asked you nicely.
I tell you What's sweet.
That's sweet.
I'll tell you, I still don't get it.
I still do not get it.
Wait till tomorrow, When you See those sweet, Sweet ratings.
Yeah! Then you'll Get it.
Haven't i asked you Not to drink this much? Hank, come here.
Hee hee hee! Yeah! Ha ha! You guys Listen, I want to apologize.
Forgive me for what I said last night.
I do.
Let me Give you a kiss.
Watch out, You big buffalo.
He doesn't like To be kissed.
I'll kiss you.
You read those vows Better than i ever could.
Oh, come on.
Wasn't he great? Oh, terrific.
I'd like you To read them again.
Just one more time.
It was so beautiful.
This part right over here.
Are you serious? Yeah.
"And i-- But i only knew like.
But i only knew like.
" I'm not reading-- I'm not reading these again.
I'm not-- I only knew like.
Oh, beautiful.
Something, isn't it? Yeah.
I'm sorry For questioning Why she was marrying you.
It's so clear That she's marrying you Because of the man You are.
Hear, hear.
[Margaret] Larry, arthur, Meet my dad, Harold dolan.
Hey, there, The pleasure is All yours! [Laughing] Just kidding.
Jesus christ.
Hi, dad.