The Larry Sanders Show (1992) s02e16 Episode Script

Off Camera

We're an hour away From show 1,457, Not that We keep count.
I suppose by now, The show must run itself.
Ah, horseshit.
It really Pisses me off When you magazine people Say things like that.
I'm sorry.
Tell me, has larry ever been Romantically involved With any guests? What the fuck kind Of question is that? My editor put it on here.
You're right.
It's inappropriate.
You think we've Busted our balls Doing 1,400 shows So larry can get laid? If mr.
Sanders Wanted to fuck talent, He'd have been An agent.
Who do you work for? entertainment weekly.
Huh? entertainment weekly.
When can i talk With larry? Later.
Will you let the audience in In about five minutes? Put the nursing home group In the upper left corner.
That's the studio's Warmest place.
Artie, excuse me.
We've got A problem.
What is it, kiki? It's a difficulty With the network's Satellite feed again? No.
Elizabeth ashley Wants to talk to you Right away.
If you'll excuse me, roger.
I have a show To produce.
Oh, god! [Both moaning] I can't.
I-- i-- I'm married, liz.
Oh, how is The little woman? Huh? Your wife? Elaine's in kenya On a safari.
Can you Believe that? What do you think Of a woman Who'd leave her home For three months To photograph zebras Humping? I think that Daddy's lonesome, too.
[Moaning] We're leaning On larry's suits.
Do i look like I give a shit? Jump on back here, Little big man.
Ever since you've Gone on slim-fast, I'm powerless.
Oh, god.
[Moaning] Is larry in A good mood tonight? Who cares? [Moaning] [Hank] Get word back to larry That they're great, o.
? Are you In your thoughts? No.
I'm just Going over The cue cards.
, Sid.
Anything special I need to know About tonight? It'll be a great show.
I think so, too.
Is ritter here yet? I believe so.
How's Ms.
Ashley? Wonderful.
Go like this.
What? I got a bug there? No, if you had a bug, I'd say, "go like this.
" Some hair's Sticking up.
Oh, o.
Nothing major.
Larry sanders, don't tell Me you're doing the show, too? John, good To see you.
John, it's not A good time.
Larry likes to get Into his thoughts.
That's all right.
This is john ritter.
It's the john ritter.
No shit.
Who's this key chain? Arthur, larry, This is my agent, Adam loderman.
Arthur, larry.
Adam loderman.
Thank you so much.
He's got to get Into his thoughts.
No, i'm sorry.
I just wanted to say hi.
Okay, it's all right.
I'm sorry for artie.
It's cool.
So, how's hearts afire going? Oh, you know, the network's Giving us flack.
We have to retool it.
I'm sick of The network bullshit.
Well, that's a choice, You know.
So, how you doing? Good.
See you Out there, huh? Oh, yeah.
I'm sorry.
Just Wanted to say hi.
Jesus christ, artie, I told you i don't want To talk to guests Before the show.
It'll never happen again.
I've never even seen hearts afire.
Now, i'm involved in some Conversation about retooling-- Make a note.
[Hank] Larry sanders! Just go like this.
I'm going to go Do the show.
Get out there.
Get out there, tiger.
Go! Hello.
How pretty.
How very, very pretty.
Look how pretty.
Look how pretty.
Everything o.
? Want to see what I got down here? Yes, i do.
Oh! Isn't he cute? Come on, darlene.
Another stray? I thought You're over this.
No tags, no collar, nothing.
I found him Right near the 110 freeway.
If it wasn't for me, This dog would be dead now.
Look at this little face.
This face Would be dead.
Yeah, well, that Would be a tragedy.
What would his fleas do? Look at his neck.
He's a flea hotel.
Look, darlene, just Get the dog out of here.
There's a show going on.
Do i want to see "What you got down here?" What a cutie.
What a little cutie.
[Larry] we'll be right back Ah! Damn flea.
She plays frieda On evening shade.
Please welcome Elizabeth ashley.
[Applause] Nice to see you, darling.
You look beautiful.
You're more than kind.
May i say I'm a gardener? Such a beautiful Flower.
I'm a little slow, Brain's broccoli, But, hey, no problem.
Thank you.
Are you hot? Is that a fan? Is that a fan That you need? Is that for fashion? No, it's a fan That i need Because my hands, Like my brains, Left to their Own devices, Get away from me And flap.
Southern ladies Always hold something.
Also, you never know When you'll get The vapors and faint.
Gene siskel.
John ritter.
I know.
I know you know.
You've talked About my work.
Good things, i hope.
Not really.
Oh, that Blake edwards movie.
What was that? skin deep.
You know that Glow-in-the-dark Condom scene? I don't care.
I don't find critics Constructive.
I really don't care.
Oh, come on.
I know you're Basically a tv actor, But surely you know The difference Between a good movie And a bad movie, Having made both problem child 1 and 2.
skin deep was A very good movie.
It did extremely well In europe.
You know, All i know is I did the work, I put a lot of good, Positive energy into it-- Sure.
Then i turn on my tv And hear you say That i seemed Distracted By what was Going on around me During the making Of the movie, That i became A bore after a while.
I don't need that.
I think those were The exact words i used.
How long ago was that? Five years ago? You remember it pretty well For an actor Who doesn't listen To critics.
You're not married then, right? [Elizabeth] Oh, no, no, no.
Are you seeing anybody now? Well, yes, i am.
Who would that be? Well, it's not anybody That america knows, But, you know-- ooh It's somebody That you know real well.
Is that true? It's somebody i know-- Real well.
And you're Fanning yourself.
Well, you know I should Tell you this.
Hank Is married.
Did he Tell you that? I assume it's hank.
Oh, honey, no, no, no.
I mean, listen, I think you are a sugar pop, You are just cute as a button, But i need something Up here to grab ahold of.
Maybe we could Weld a handle Or something Up there.
I mean, no, i-- It's one man at a time.
What the fuck Is going on back here? It's nothing, arthur.
It's nothing.
It's nothing.
This fucking maniac Attacked my client.
These fucking people From chicago-- [Gene] hey-- This is all they know-- Punching and fists.
Hey, cut the chicago crap.
All you people from l.
Know Is how to validate your parking.
You are so clever.
What's your name? Adam loderman, treiger agency.
Shut the fuck up.
Oh, there's blood All over the cheese.
It's bad being On the show With him, But then i get assaulted By his fucking dog! I don't have A dog.
Did he bite you in the face? No, he got between my legs, I tripped, i hit My face on the table.
[Gene] I don't even own a dog.
Gene-- Is there A dog on the show? Ashley, siskel, Ritter, zevon.
No dog.
Take mr.
Siskel To wardrobe.
Get him a new shirt, A couple of ties.
I bet this shit doesn't even Happen on montel williams.
You should really Have that looked at.
I'm fine.
Oh, bull! Go home.
Get some rest.
We'll have you on early First thing next month-- I'm not going home.
I'm not letting larry down.
I'm going to tough it out.
Ritter, robert brody, entertainment weekly.
Can i talk to you about Being a guest on this show? I got to get Cleaned up, o.
? See this? He's a trouper.
You should Give him Siskel's time.
If you don't Shut the fuck up, I will kick you In the nuts so hard, Your dentist Will have to Work around them At your next cleaning.
Ha! Just kidding.
[Hank] That's who i meant.
Oh, for god's sakes.
Just-- just-- It's o.
Hank cannot Let go of you.
I know.
It's just Been a delight Having you here.
I wish we had more time.
We have to move on.
Come back soon.
You're always Welcome back.
stay tuned, we'll be right back with john ritter.
Miss ashley, As always, A joy and a delight.
The show's going great So far, huh? Ah, yes.
Smooth as silk.
This will be A best of larry.
Gene siskel Is on next.
I thought It was ritter.
Uh, no, john ritter Will be batting clean-up.
By then the bases Will be loaded.
Ah, sure enough.
Well, i've got to go.
Thank you.
My next guest is half Of america's most popular Movie reviewing couple.
I'm a big fan.
We're happy to have him.
From chicago, Please welcome gene siskel.
[Applause] Gene siskel.
Gene, nice to see you.
Thank you For coming in, gene.
Nice to see you.
I'm a big fan.
Thank you.
Where Is roger tonight? Because, uh Well, thank you for asking About roger first, larry.
Well, i, uh, i could Rephrase that.
[Barking] I don't think He likes me.
Come on.
Look, i don't Have time for this.
Hank needs his midshow Water bottle at 6:04.
He's friendly, Right? Hollywood Misses the boat By not filming Good love stories.
Because Were i dating, I would look In the paper And take a woman To see free willy, And i'd nudge her When he comes heaving Out of the water-- See if she Gets the hint.
[Dog barks] [Phil cries out] Son of a-- Ah, now You little son of a bitch! [Barking] Artie, this goddamn Dog bit me.
Darlene, come back here.
This is like running Fucking preschool.
Ooh, it's bleeding.
I think i'm going to puke.
Oh, bullshit.
Just some Puncture wounds.
No stitches necessary.
We'll get you A tetanus shot Right after the show.
Right now, i want you To go into my office.
Top left-hand drawer.
Bottle of brandy-- Take a big belt, Pour it on that hand, You'll be fine.
But it really hurts.
Oh, stop being Such a fucking baby.
God damn it, phil! So you'll jerk off With the other hand For a few weeks.
Shouldn't he get A tetanus shot? Submit questions In written form.
We'll get to them when we can.
Can't wait to hear you Tickle them ivories, dear boy.
Listen, artie, I don't want to Be a prick, But you guys Want me to play werewolves of london tonight.
That's one of larry's Personal favorites.
Every single show i do, I play it.
It's driving me Fucking crazy.
What about Your first album, french connection? the french inhaler? Yeah.
That's the one.
Is that under Four minutes? I'll play fast.
Anything but werewolves.
You got it.
Thanks, artie.
Fucking musicians.
I think the test Of a good thriller Is how good The villain is.
If you think about The james bond films, He is constant, But you like Goldfinger.
He was The best villain.
So, malkovich is Critically important.
At the same time, Eastwood is a really fine Minimalist actor.
In the scene On the capitol-- Or the lincoln memorial-- Where he's coming on to-- Rene russo.
Exactly right.
You know, maybe I could be roger.
Maybe i could take Roger's place.
Well, gene, thanks For being here.
Just terrific tonight.
I wish you could stay, But i know you have A plane back to chicago.
So, thank you.
See you soon.
And stay tuned, We'll be right back.
[Cheering] Gene, gene, Movie machine.
Thank you, sir.
We all thank you.
Until next time.
Thank you, arthur, Any time you want me.
How about Tomorrow night? Great.
Um Who was that? It was nothing.
What do you mean? Well, it was phil.
Well, what happened? He shut his hand In the door.
He shut his hand In the door? Yes.
How did that happen? He put a hand up on a hinge And closed the door.
Well, no, it sounded like It was this door right here.
It was his thumb In the door.
I have a bone To pick with you.
Really? Yeah.
I went to see the crying game Because you gave it Such a big rave.
It's a great film.
Um, what's all The hoopla about? Because there's Supposed to be this, Uh, fantastic plot twist, And frankly, i just-- I didn't see it.
You're kidding.
You're not kidding.
Hank, stephen rea's Character Stephen-- The woman he falls In love with.
That dark-skinned cutie? Mm-hmm.
She turns out To be a man.
I don't think so.
Hank, there's A shot in the film-- The camera pans Down the body, Right below the waist-- Yes? There's a penis.
I don't think so.
We should Have a policy Against opening Or closing doors During the show-- Absolutely-- Because see, That interview was-- I'll prepare a memo.
I'll send it out tonight-- Immediately.
Thank you.
Let me ask you A question.
How was she hung? You know, you've Got to excuse hank.
It's been years Since he's seen A movie Without The words "busty" Or "stewardess" In the title.
This is a little awkward, But we're back in Four seconds, so-- [Gene] yeah.
If you could-- all right.
You know what He said to me? Wait till you hear this.
Did you see the crying game? Yeah.
That is a man.
Welcome back.
My next guest Is a talented singer And a songwriter.
His new album is called learning to flinch, And i'm a big fan.
Please welcome Warren zevon.
[Cheering] * How you gonna make Your way in the world * * When you weren't cut out For working? * * When your fingers Are slender and frail? * * And how you gonna Get around * * In this Sleazy bedroom town * * If you don't put yourself Up for sale? * Mr.
Ritter? I'm ready.
I'm ready.
Um, say, if you're Not feeling so good, Why don't we reschedule No, no, no, no.
I'm a professional.
Damn it, i can make it.
All right.
No, i'm fine.
Let's go.
You need anything? No, no.
Just a little Dramamine.
Because zevon's Only doing one number.
Hey, here, put Some of this on it.
It stings A little, but No.
I've got to focus.
* Your pretty face * * It looks so wasted * * Another pretty face * * Ah, devastated * * The french inhaler * * Has stamped And mailed her * * So long * * Norman * * She said, So long * * Norman ** [Cheering] Warren zevon.
[Larry] That was great.
Great, warren.
Thank you so much.
God, that was great.
Do we have time For another? Can he do Another one, artie? All right.
Well, uh, let's do Another tune.
You know What my favorite is? werewolves of london.
Would you mind Doing that? [Cheering] Please.
** [Piano plays] * I saw a werewolf * * With a chinese menu In his hand * Adam, they Fucking bumped me.
Adam! Hey, buddy.
Don't you talk to me.
We're just trying To give you more time.
What? [Clicks tongue] Got to say hi To warren.
Aaoooh! * Werewolves in-- ** [Zevon] * Aaoooh * [Groaning] Oh, my neck.
That really hurt.
[Ritter] Arthur This is the last time I'm ever doing this show! The last time! You want an interview? I'll give you one.
You keep him away from me.
* His hair was perfect * Oh! * Aaoooh * * Werewolves of london * * Aaoooh * * Werewolves Of london ** [Cheering, applauding] [Larry] warren zevon.
Just great.
We're out of time.
My thanks To all my guests.
My apologies To john ritter.
We'll have him on soon, And good night.
See you all soon.
Thank you all.
Is ritter o.
? Happy as a clam.
He'll be on next week.
Great show.
Gee, thanks.
Good job to all of you.
Sanders, robert brody From entertainment weekly.
Nice meeting you.
Nice to meet you.
Can i ask you A few questions? Ixnay.
Sure, fire away.
How do you think It went tonight? Good.
Real good.
Some nights, it just Comes off like clockwork.
I think i speak for everyone When i say i can't believe We get paid To do this.
When is this Coming out? About a month.
I'll send you a copy.
I've never understood Why you read this shit.
Because it's an article About the show.
Well, i'm sure it's Excellent publicity.
Excellent publicity? Excellent-- Have you seen this? No.
This is unbelievable.
This guy says ritter And gene siskel fought.
[Chuckles] A dog bit phil.
You and phil Were wrestling.
It says you And elizabeth ashley Were doing God-knows-what In the wardrobe Room.
Well, you see what These guys are.
They come on a show, it's not Exciting enough for them, They make up this shit.