The Larry Sanders Show (1992) s02e17 Episode Script

The Grand Opening

[Hank] Now that sign Says "applesauce.
" No, no.
I'm kidding.
It says "applause.
" Ray, do me a favor.
Could you flick That once? [Applause] All right.
Now, remember, You're all A big part Of the show, Okay, now, you see This gentleman? Now, he's Giving me the sign, And it says We're on In 10 seconds, So get ready to have A good time.
All right.
Here we go.
This is exciting, Isn't it? [Man] In 5, 4, 3, 2 ** [theme music playing] [Hank] live on tape From hollywood, the larry sanders show.
Tonight join Larry fishburne, Janine turner.
From steely dan: Donald fagen, And me, "hey, now" Hank kingsley.
And now, because larry's On vacation, Your guest host For this week, Martin Mull! [Applause] Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Hey! Thank you, thank you.
Please, please.
Sit down.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Whoa, This is really very, very Close to a thrill for me.
[Laughter] I know how much This show means to larry And what a stickler He is for quality.
At least, to the extent That one can have any In television.
[Laughter] In fact-- whoa.
Well, thank gosh For commercials.
We'll be right back.
[Chuckles] [Applause and cheering] Well, i got Through that.
I can't believe i was Actually nervous Out there.
I used to do this Shit in my sleep.
Is this Bothering you? No.
Jeez, hank, You look tired.
Yeah, I just, uh I've been burning the, Uh, bulb at both ends, That's all.
Oh, man.
I know What you mean.
I'm doing the fox movie right Now, i'm ass-deep in a script-- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Just try, uh, opening A restaurant sometime.
Listen, when we Come back, uh, Yeah? Ask me about Last weekend, 'Cause i have A very, you know, Funny thing i Can do on that.
Ok, great.
Got it.
[Man] Here we go! We're back in ** [Music starts] And we're back.
[Applause and cheering] Thank you.
Thank you.
Boy, It's fun to be here.
Well, you're doing A great job, And it's, uh-- it's Fun to have you here.
What are you gonna Do this weekend? Uh, well, this weekend-- After last weekend, I don't know if i have Any energy left.
Last weekend Was one of those-- Yeah, but that's-- That's not the question.
What are you gonna Do this weekend? Well, this-- This weekend, I really don't have Any plans, hank.
You--you don't Have any plans? No, sir.
Well, i have an idea.
Listen, let me be The first to invite you To the official Grand opening Of hank's look-around cafe Friday night.
Uh, hank kingsley, Proprietor.
Look at this.
Can you see this? [Applause] This is hank's-- This is your own restaurant, Am i right? Yes, it is.
This is the one with The spinning floor there? I've always been one to say, At least for my money, That, uh, Nothing really Aids digestion Quite like Centrifugal force.
[Laughs] Friday night.
[Audience laughs] My first guest Tonight-- [Chuckles] Thank you.
Terrific show Tonight.
Yeah, hi.
Can i just Talk to you for-- For one second Please? [Sighs] Come on over here.
Um, please-- Listen, i hope You realize that All that joking About your restaurant Was just that.
It was joking! No, no.
Now, you know That, right? Oh, of course.
Now, look, uh, You're sitting In larry's chair.
They've given you That honor, Yeah.
But one thing You gotta remember Is you're A guest host, Guest being the, uh, Uh-huh.
Operative word here.
Uh-huh, Mm-hmm.
You see? So, we have A very definite Chain of command.
Larry first, then-- Then there's me Ok.
Artie, Then everyone else.
I was joking, hank.
Well They were jokes, ok? Well, well Be that as it may, I think from now on If you have A humorous ad lib, You gotta clear it With me first, Martin.
Really? Yeah.
You know what, I think we oughta call Larry about this.
No, no, i don't-- [Stammering] I don't think so.
I think what we, uh-- What we-- see, we-- We just don't Bother him When he's On his vacation.
That's a thing We don't do, ok? Really? You know, i think This might fit Nicely up your ass.
Well All right.
Other than that, It's just a great show! [Artie] Morning.
[Door slams] Here i am! Here i am! Hank, what the hell Are you doing here? What time is it? What the hell, Did you-- You sleep here Last night? Uh, yes, i've, uh-- I've been Sleeping here.
Why? Well, i've been, uh-- I've been picking out The, uh, material-- The material for The napkins, you see.
Uh, they came in, And they're, um-- They're red-- They're reddish-brown, And they-- It completely, um-- It clashes with-- Clashes with The banquette.
You know, you try To leave this stuff to The interior designers, But, no, no, you can't, You see, because, uh, You just gotta-- fuckers! What the hell did you Say to martin mull Last night? Why? Well, he quit! Because of you, I've got to scramble For a new guest host! Yeah, well, you see, I could've seen That coming.
Yeah, see, he was fine On that make-believe Talk show, That fernwood thing, But, you know, You put him in the genuine Article, and he locks, You know-- That's a lot Of horseshit! The grand opening Of hank's look-around cafe Friday night, [French accent] Absolutely no charge.
It's this friday night? [Hank] right.
I've got plans.
Are you joking? No! Are you-- How many times have i-- That's all i've been Saying around here Is grand opening Friday night! Hey, grand opening! Friday night! Hank, come on.
You said "grand opening Friday night" And it didn't happen.
Yeah, well, that's, Uh, you know, That's-- That's 2 months ago.
I mean, they, uh-- You know, They, uh-- they installed The wrong motor, You know, for the, Uh, rotating floors-- [Phil] ok-- You know Well, then it was Fuckers.
Well, yes! That's the burst water pipe In the ladies' room, And that started To rust the bearing For the rotating floor [Sighs] Never mind, Ye of little faith.
[Chuckles] You gonna be there? I-- did you say it was this friday night? [Laughs] Hey, come on! Come on, guys! Thanks for the support, You know? No reason To help out hank, Like i've never laughed At your lame Monologue jokes Which i don't even get! Look, come on, hank.
We'll-- we'll come The next night.
Next night? Next night? See, the m-- Let me explain Something to you.
There may not be A next night, You see? If people don't come On friday night, [Rapping table] There may not be A next night.
So, this Is friday night.
This is next night.
No friday night, No next night! No friday night, No next night! [Plastic breaks] Do you understand This concept? [Sighs] no.
You know, i-- [Yelling] no.
I know you don't! [Tapping] hank? It's the napkin people On line 4.
Ok, uh, I'll just take it In my office.
Get me the jerry van dyke file.
[Hank] uh, can i get A, uh, toothbrush? Now.
Artie, would it be ok If i told this Very humorous anecdote About the, uh, construction Of the restaurant On the-- On the show tonight? [Laughs] Absolutely not.
I'm not gonna mention The address or-- No.
Did i say Jerry van dyke? I mean joan van ark.
Artie, i need to Talk to you mano a mano.
Yeah, come on, Sit down.
No! Well, look at me, huh? Will you just look at me? Don't push me, hank! Ignore him! Keep working.
See, artie I've just been thinking About the opening night Of this restaurant In my mind For years and years.
I just-- I just keep Imagining all my-- All my friends-- i mean, My celebrity friends-- And they're just sitting In all these booths, And i get to say To them, "hey.
Hey! This one's on me," To some of them.
Larry said no.
You spoke to larry? No! Well, then how Could you know? Shouldn't we call him? Larry's on vacation! He's not To be disturbed.
[artie] but we're having a little trouble finding a guest host to replace mr.
Martin mull! Jesus, artie.
[Rustling] What do you want me To do about it? [Leaves rustling, Branches breaking] Artie, hold on A second.
Hey, burt! It's larry.
Hey, lar.
Hey, burt I didn't know you Moved in next-door.
Good to see you.
How are you enjoying That, uh-- that house? No, actually i don't Live in the big house.
I I live back there in The guesthouse, you see.
'Cause i can't Afford the big house Because of the-- Yeah, is it that thing You're going through? Divorce.
Hey, listen, um, ahem, We're having Some trouble Down at the show Finding a guest host, You know? Because, uh, The last guy we got, Uh, got this flu bug, And i was wondering If you'd be interested In hosting the show.
I mean Maybe this is A bad time and all, 'Cause you're going Through this thing, But if you'd like To do it, why What does it pay? [Audience laughing] We'll be right back In one minute.
[Applause and cheering] Wonderful monologue.
You look very handsome On camera, i might add.
Yeah, i bet you Say that to All the guest hosts.
In your case, I mean it.
You know that.
How are you Holdin' up, buddy? Oh, you know, uh Uh, the big d, The divorce, You know, it's-- Yeah, i've been there.
Oh, yeah? I've been divorced Yeah.
Who gives a shit? You do.
evening shade's Delightful.
Thanks, chief.
** [Humming] Hello? Yeah.
Yeah, uh, i've-- No.
No, i don't care.
I applied f-- I applied for This alcohol permit Just months ago Ok? Yeah.
Come on, come on, Come on.
Knock off The bullshit, please? [Snorts] Sorry, man, But it's just a-- It's just-- It's just very-- It's very frustrating, And, uh Yes, i would Be absolutely delighted And honored to speak To your, uh, supervisor.
Uh, it's just, Uh, unfortunately, I'm in the middle Of doing a-- A network television show Right now, And i can't, uh-- ** [Music starts] [Man] We're back in 5! Uh, can you hold? Thank you.
Ok, folks, If you've, uh, looked High and low for Cruise ship cuisine On dry land and you like Dining in the round, You'll wanna come down To hank's Look-around cafe.
That's hank's Look-around cafe, Where you and your food Go on an adventure.
[Chuckles] You know something? I was think-- Thinking about Investing in that.
I mean, I like the idea of-- Really? The rotating? The rotating around And looking At the city, Yeah.
Course, If you're a smoker, You'd have to smoke And then stop And then light up Again when you came In your section.
[Laughs] [Audience laughs] But, listen, I really think It's a great idea.
Great idea.
Oh, no, You're gonna hit me.
No, no.
He's gonna do something.
I know this gentleman.
No, it's a great idea, I'm telling you.
Like, uh, smokey and the bandit.
That was a-- That was a great idea.
And, uh, cannonball run.
That was a-- That was a great idea.
[Snobby voice] Ooh.
You gotta stop Sleeping here, hank! It's beginning to smell Like a goddamn locker room.
[Hank] gee, salad, Salad, salad, Salad I suggest you listen To me now, mr.
Ok, i'm listening.
I just got off the phone With burt reynolds.
He wanted to quit, But i persuaded him To give you A second chance.
[Chuckles] Oh, boy, Another ego trip.
Give a guy A couple of car chases, And all of a sudden He thinks he's An incredible wit.
Well, he thinks You're a loose cannon.
He thinks you're Mere days away From a complete Mental collapse.
He doesn't Wanna deal with it.
[Laughs] that's-- That's just-- I mean, that's silly! Hank, you gotta stop with This stupid restaurant! We need you.
You gotta concentrate On the show.
We need you here! Yeah, well, I am here.
Are you? I am here.
Yes, i am.
Hank kingsley-- Hank kingsley Is-- is present, And he is Accounted for, And-- uh Shit! Shit, i gotta Make this call Just real fast.
This is ex-- This is what I'm talking about! You've got to focus On this show.
Here! Now! Ok.
It's just, uh, my-- My restaurant, At this moment, Has a very specific odor That is not conducive To the art Of fine dining [Voice cracking] And, uh [Whispering] Oh, man.
I'm in a lot Of trouble.
Ooh, boy.
Oh What is it, pal? What? No, nothing.
It's just I don't think Anybody's gonna [Crying] Come to The grand opening.
[Sobbing] Every time I check the, uh-- The, uh, Phone machine, There's another Cancellation, and, uh, I mean, even my own wife Is not coming Because there's, You know, "Sorry, honey, there's A death in the family," And, uh [Inhales] [Exhales] I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
You're gonna be there, Aren't you, buddy? Oh, damn it! Well, hank, you've Changed the grand opening So many times! I do have a life Of my own, you know.
Ohh! God damn it! What has happened To courtesy And respect In this world? I mean-- [Stammering] [Sighs]-- Listen, let me Ask you a question.
Why can't people just say, You know, "hey, hank, "I know that this is Important to you, "Your opening night, "But, you know, I'm gonna be there For you, buddy"? Just take it easy, Will you? [Exhales] You gotta breathe.
Breathe! [Inhales] In Now let it out.
[Exhales] One more time.
In Here.
Now drink some water.
You drink water, Arthur.
You drink Through your ass! [Crying] It's all right.
It's all right.
Just-- it's ok.
Just let it out.
Go ahead.
Well, they're All against me, All of them! Who's against you? Ok, who? All right, well My wife and, uh Uh, my, uh-- My-- my staff, Yeah.
You know? And, uh, the-- The-- The whole staff, And, uh, The government And, uh [Breathing heavily] Uh, just, uh-- Well, and this-- Ohh, god! [Moans] This guy! This-- this-- This fucking Electrical engineer! You know! This-- This-- this guy, He-- he comes in, He fills in at The last minute, And i-- i'm supposed to-- I'm supposed to think That this guy Knows fuck-all About anything! [Yelling] Oh, shit! Oh, shit, If i had a gun! If i had a gun, Artie! [Artie] i'm listening.
I'm listening To you.
Oh, jeez! I'm with you.
I'm your buddy.
I-- i-- i understand.
It's not fair! You're just gonna Let it out.
You're gonna Let it all out.
It's not fair! Just let it go! Yes! No, i believe that.
Man! I agree, but, Listen, i have to-- Grand opening Friday night.
Now, you gotta Keep talking.
Hey, guys! I've got a phone-- Grand opening, Phone call to make, Friday night.
And i'll be right back.
Get it out.
Hey! Get it out.
Hey, grand opening Friday night! [Hank] hey.
Hey, i told you [Hank continues Talking] Get dr.
Landy On the phone.
Who? Dr.
Eugene landy.
Our good friend brian wilson Will have his number.
What is hank Doing in there? Oh, he's telling me About his troubles At the restaurant.
But you're Not in there.
He doesn't know that.
Now, call dr.
[Answering machine beeps] [artie] terribly sorry to disturb you, larry, but burt reynolds just quit.
but jerry seinfeld's taping in the studio next-door, you know, so i-- i'm going to walk over there and see if i can get him.
also, uh well, hank's not doing so well.
he's been under quite a bit of pressure lately and seems a bit rattled.
What's-- artie? yeah.
Larry? Yeah.
How bad is hank? well, he's been in the men's room for an hour now vomiting and weeping.
And, hank, Just one more thing.
They installed The sign today, Mm-hmm.
Except they Left out an "a.
" Instead of Saying "hank's Look-around cafe," It says "Look-round cafe.
" Ah, that's ok.
It is? Mm-hmm.
You sure? 'Cause i could try To go out and buy an "a.
" No, no.
See? It's great.
Jerry? Hank? [Chuckles] jer! Hey! Listen, when We're out there, Would you ask me, You know, what i'm Doing for the weekend, 'Cause i'm working Friday and saturday at The universal amphitheater.
Oh, i'd be happy to, On one condition.
I didn't realize There'd be conditions.
Oh, if you, uh, Mention that hank's Look-around cafe Is your apr├Ęs-comedy Bistro of choice, And, uh-- Uh, i would like you To stick to those-- That exact wording? [Chuckles] no-o-o.
No? [Chuckles] Can't do that.
No way.
All right? You know, they put You on thursday nights, So, you got a little heat Going for you Yeah.
Right now? Won't last forever.
[Applause and cheering] Thank you.
Thank you.
[Applause and cheering] Well, good evening.
Can you say, uh, "Hey, now!" [Audience] Hey, now! Come on, A little louder.
Hey, now! [All] hey, now! Oh, you sound good.
Well, this is gonna Be a very special Warm-up tonight, Because, uh, tonight I'm gonna talk To you about, uh A restaurant.
Very special restaurant, My restaurant, And it's called, uh-- Uh [Whispering] [Scattered laughter] All right.
[Whispering] hey [Applause] [Inhales] Guess we're not gonna have That, uh, special warm-up.
[Laughter] Um [Inhales deeply] [Laughter] I'm gonna take A long fuckin' walk.
[Microphone thuds] [Silence] [Crowd murmuring] Hey, jerry.
Hey, where The hell is hank going? He just Walked off the set! Oh, artie'll Calm him down.
You know, i-- Artie! I think artie's The reason He walked off! Oh.
Well, that's not good.
You know, i-- He didn't even Do the warm-up! He didn't? Well, that's Not good, either.
Hey, is this How things usually Work around here? Yeah.
You know, I-- i wrote this, Uh, script For your show.
Would this be a bad time To give it to you? Yeah! Yeah.
** [Music starts] Have a good one.
[artie on p.
] Live on tape from hollywood, The larry sanders show.
tonight join bonnie hunt, comedian jake johannsen ** [Piano playing] [Artie whispers] I gotta get off this.
[Creaking] [Larry] this booth Doesn't rotate, does it? If this fucking booth Starts to rotate, I swear to god [Artie] i'm Already seasick.
I just can't believe I took the time Out of my vacation To come here, And the man Isn't even here.
I tell you, You know that, uh-- That ice sculpture Of the queen mary On the buffet there? I'm gonna shove it Up hank's ass If he ever gets here, The son of a bitch.
This is hank's special night.
Let's just, uh-- Let him enjoy it, ok? All right.
It's all so beautiful.
Everybody showed up, And he's missing it.
Where is he? Where the hell is he? Where is he? You know what? Now i'm getting worried.
I've seen him have A temper tantrum before.
It lasts, what? About an hour, usually.
So, what the hell's Going on? I don't know.
How was it? It was great.
Yeah, well-- You know, let's go.
You did The best you could.
If we leave now, We can get there by 2.
I don't think you understand The seriousness of this.
The fact that hank Is not here means There could be something Seriously wrong.
I just called the lot, Have you Heard anything? And the security guards Said they saw hank earlier Walking around Talking to himself, And now they can't Find him.
All right, we should Go look for him.
Will you Excuse me, honey? I'm sorry.
We'll go To vegas tomorrow.
, Yeah.
No problem.
I promise you.
Darlene, keep Everybody here till I bring hank back.
Have a nice time.
I can't believe you found him.
We've been looking everywhere For him, haven't we? You know, the, uh-- the stage Is supposed to be empty, But i sent the weird Intern down and-- Oh, you have one of those? We got one of those.
What's yours do? He's just weird.
That's exactly What ours does.
Anyway, He's all yours.
I'll send you A bill for The drool.
Jer, you were great.
[Whispering] Wake him up.
[Artie] hey! Hey! Here i am! Here i am! What time is it? It's 9:30.
Let's go! We've been Looking for you.
All right.
That's good.
That's good! That's good.
Don't worry.
We can Get there by 10:00.
[Hank] i wanna Thank you guys For making this My big night.
Uh Ahem.
Hank? There's something, Uh, though, That i have To tell you What? What? Yeah.
It's We looked for you All night, hank.
No! No! Make it go back.
Make it go back.
Turn back the world.
[Larry] hey, you know, I was up all night.
I'm supposed To be on vacation.
My wife wants To go to vegas