The Larry Sanders Show (1992) s02e18 Episode Script

L.A. or N.Y.?

[Hank] That sign says, "applesauce.
" No.
No, i'm kidding.
It says, "applause.
" Ray, do me a favor.
Could you flick that once? [Audience applauds] Now, remember, you're all A big part of the show, So the better you are, The better larry is.
You see this gentleman? Yeah, he's giving me This sign, And it says we're on In 10 seconds, So get ready To have a good time.
Here we go.
This is exciting, isn't it? [Man] In 5, 4, 3, 2 ** [theme] [hank] live, on tape from hollywood, The larry sanders show.
tonight join larry and his guests, harrison ford, singer ricky lee chung, comedian andy kindler, and me, "hey, now" hank kingsley.
and now, because he desperately needs your approval, larry sanders! I'd like to put to rest A rumor that the network Is for sale.
This particular network Is not for sale.
There's a rumor that it was Almost sold last week, But that is not true.
The buyer came in During the evening And, uh, found only $20 in the register And passed.
All i'm saying is I think if the network Were really up for sale, I would've known by now, ok? It was on The cbs evening News tonight.
Well, who did the story, Connie or dan? Uh, connie.
Connie, well, There you have it.
Her husband maury Has more credibility As far as i'm concerned.
I agree.
And, larry, um, a friend Of mine at variety Says that this story's Gonna break on The front page tomorrow, Like it's a done deal.
I don't know Anything about That, really.
Every couple Of years, you know, The same damn rumor.
The network speaks, "Oh, the sky is falling.
The sky is falling.
" In other words, Business as usual, Same old shit.
Welcome to the monkey house.
Pass the penis, please.
Am i right? Later i'll pass out Some transcripts So we can all Try to figure out What hank meant At our leisure.
Ok? All right.
Nothing to Worry about.
All right, everybody.
Thank you! Thank you.
Beverly, what The hell's going on? Believe me, phil, If larry had More information, He'd tell me.
Boy, i hate lying To them like that.
Larry, you did The right thing.
People can't do Their best work When they're shitting In their pants.
Yeah, well, Maybe that's why I haven't been able To focus this week.
Oh, now-- Oh, come on.
These foreigners, They buy out American companies, And right away, They start tinkering With everything.
That's what's Going to happen.
Oh, by the way, You'll probably have to Lie to the staff again.
And when you do, I want you to Watch out for this.
What? Rubbing your upper lip.
Was i doing that? Yes.
When people lie, They tend to cover their mouths.
I learned that From jack webb when I was on dragnet, 1970.
Come on.
What? The whole thing.
Come on.
Come on.
Give me the whole thing.
I already told you Everything i know.
Hey, come on, This is hank kingsley You're talking to.
I am not one of those peons.
That horseshit about The sky is falling, That's just for them.
Come on.
Larry doesn't Know anything, hank.
We would have told you.
Well, good, because I don't need any more rumors Going around this week.
I mean, this whole Hollywood madam thing, You know, Just, uh Oh? Yeah.
I mean, if her black book Ever goes public, I'm on every page Of that thing.
What are you listed under, Hank or kingsley? Or hey, now? Hey, now.
Oh, yeah? That's not Very funny, you know.
It was during The mid-eighties, And i was carrying Some excess weight.
And i had a persistent Skin rash, And it was hard for me To get dates.
Are either of you In there? Hell, no.
Of course not.
Oh, and the network Is not for sale? Hell, no! No.
I just want you To relax, kiddo.
Just remember, This guy's Not even An american.
He's a foreigner.
All he wants to do Is manage The news division.
Our show is the last Thing on his mind.
[British accent] These talk shows, There are too damn Many of them.
I say let them Have the territory.
We can go out and, Uh, blaze a new trail.
And that trail Would be A late-night news magazine Wrap-up of the day's events, But with a hip, Mtv sensibility.
Dick-- may i call you Uh, i have a format here That i think works Pretty well for me.
Uh, yes, it does Work well for you, But it also works for Letterman and arsenio and leno.
[Laughs] Uh, have a seat, dick.
You see, um, i think What i'm really trying to say Is that i have Learned from experience That tinkering With a format Can create A lot of problems.
Larry, as you know, I've done quite well Selling beer.
Beer! That's great.
That is great.
And you know How i did that? Packaging.
Ever year, i put on A new label.
One year, it's beer.
Then the next year, We call it, Uh, light beer.
And then The next year, It's, uh, Cold-filtered Or dry, and You know what? We can't make enough Of that shit.
I see what's wrong.
You're drunk.
That is intended To be a joke, right? Yeah, that's a joke.
That's what i do For a living.
Have you ever seen, Uh, the show? Beverly, is my agent Here yet? Oh, well, there's a message For you to meet a mr.
X In your regular secret spot Yeah, well, that's him.
He, uh Now, listen, You gotta get me Out of this thing, Because i am not Gonna be able to work For this fucking BeerNut.
Yes! Fuck that beer farm! We are out of here! Good.
Just keep it down.
I-- i live For this shit.
It gets me all Hot and bothered.
I know it does.
Is everything Ok, mr.
Sanders? Uh, yeah, it's fine.
You didn't see us.
You saw nothing.
You heard nothing.
It's not what It looks like.
All right, Now, listen, You said i had Other options.
What are they? I talked to ted harbert Over at abc.
They would kill Their grandmothers To have you over there.
That's complimentary.
How does this sound? the new larry sanders show, afternightline.
Unfortunately, That's the actual title They wanna use.
But-- But it would Be my show? I could do Whatever i wanted? No one'd Tinker with it? Good! Great! Anything's better Than staying here-- Great! Perfect! They also want you To do the show from new york.
We had this talk before.
I don't want to do A show from new york.
This is A great option, larry.
I'll give you Another option: I go to montana, Live in a shack.
Great idea for a sitcom.
If you go to new york, I won't go.
Where'd you hear I'm going to new york? Well, i take My lunch up in the Bleachers sometimes.
You didn't Know that, did ya? Oh, shit.
Good to Have it confirmed, But i can't Go to new york.
Well, why not? Please don't Ask me to explain.
Well, i'm not Asking you to explain.
I just want to know why You can't go to new york.
I can't explain.
Well, don't explain.
Just tell me.
What i'm about To say cannot be Repeated to anyone.
Turn around, sid! There's certain people, If they found out You knew this, Yeah? It would not be safe For you or me.
Oh, you're kidding.
You're kidding, aren't you? I was a young man In a big city.
I needed Some fast bucks.
I did some work For some people.
What people? You ever see A scorsese film? Yeah.
You know, Like goodfellas? Yeah.
Oh, don't tell me This has something to do With a 50-pound bag of lime, For god sakes.
I don't remember that, But i can't go To new york.
What if we shoot In new jersey? Even worse.
They live there.
Who? Who lives there? I can't say.
Howard! Hey, butt-bongo.
Bravo! Hey, howard.
Hey, larry.
Thanks for Doing the show.
Yeah, i'm looking Forward to it.
Hey, listen, when are We gonna have dinner? Tonight on the show, Don't talk about That movie I'm doing, fartman.
Everyone keeps Asking me about it.
Yeah, i just don't want To talk about it.
Ok, no on fartman.
Thanks, larry.
Want me to talk About the book? Would you Talk about that? Cancelled? No, i have a new book.
It's a definite thing? Yeah.
Oh, yeah, That's coming out.
But don't Talk about fartman.
Ok, no on fartman.
I have it down here.
What's with this guy? Oh, he's just a big fan.
You're a big fan? Hey, take your top off.
There you go.
You embarrassed him.
All right, I'll see you later.
He embarrassed you.
It wouldn't hurt For you to laugh At me like that, sid.
[Chuckles] Take your pants off.
Come on.
Hey! Hey! We'll change it.
It'll change.
Good, because i don't-- What are you guys Doing out here? We're just finishing.
I gotta make Some calls.
I'll call him now.
Ok, good.
It's done.
Are you sure You'd be happy In new york? Oh, am i sure I'd be happy in new york? No.
That's why We're talking about it.
You think i'd Be happy in l.
? Well Well, that's Exactly my point.
Why don't i just Move to montana And get out of here? Perfect, montana.
[Doorbell rings] Trick or treat.
Hi, larry.
Hey, man, Come on in.
I gotta use the can.
Uh, yeah, it's Right back there.
All right, thanks.
The door that's marked "can.
" Larry I forgot.
Why didn't you Tell me howard stern Was coming over? I forgot myself.
We were talkin' About it at the show.
I don't Want him around me.
He's disgusting.
All right.
He's not like that In real life.
That's just the way He is on the radio, ok? Well-- Just give him-- You have A beautiful Home here.
Oh, thank you.
It's larry's house.
And it's a pleasure To finally meet you.
Well, it's a pleasure To meet you, too.
The pleasure's All mine, really.
It's great To meet you.
Um, i'm looking forward To seeing fartman.
Oh, actually, I don't even think I'm gonna be Doing fartman.
That whole thing's, Like, falling apart, But, um, i have A new book out, And i brought it As a gift.
It's howard stern's private parts.
It's for you guys.
Oh, well, thanks.
Gee, that's A really great picture.
You're so nice.
That's really Just nice Of you to say.
Yes, very.
I'll see you guys later.
Ok, bye.
Have a good run.
Larry, what's with Your girlfriend? I mean, she's Got great tits, But she's It's like she's Got something Shoved up her ass All the time.
It's like she's On the perpetual rag.
Yeah, i know.
We've all been under A lot of pressure Lately, you know? Because of those network guys? Are they trying to screw you? Yeah.
It seems like Everyone in hollywood Is just trying To screw everyone else.
I know, i know.
I don't know how you take it.
Is it better in new york? Are you thinking of Moving the show to new york? Ah, i can't say.
I can't talk about it.
No, i really-- please.
I would love to know.
I can't tell you.
I know it's probably Top-secret or something, But i would love to know If you're moving the show To new york.
Well, i can't talk To you about it.
I just can't.
What's the big deal? I can't say anything about it.
Let's talk about Something else.
[Intercom buzzes] larry? Dick? listen, larry, i think maybe i've given you some mixed signals.
we're very happy to be in business with you, and we'll do whatever we have to do to continue that.
Uh, thank you.
That's Very nice, dick.
i hear this talk about you wanting to move to new york.
it just makes me sad.
Yeah, well, I'm just considering All my options.
You know How that is.
can't say i blame you.
i do hope we can work things out, because you are legally bound to be with us for another 3 years, and i'd hate to see you spend the last 2 in court.
larry, can you hold for a second? Are you busy? Oh, no, come on in.
I'm so glad you're here.
I have had such An unbelievable day.
You have no idea.
Oh, god, Me, too.
Why? Well, you know, I've been thinking, And i really think You should move The show to new york.
Really? Yes, i think it's exactly What you need right now.
It's a major change, you know? I'm 100% behind it.
You think You'll be happy In new york? Well I'm-- i'm not gonna Move to new york.
What-- [Chuckles] You know, i've been Thinking about this All day long, And i think It'd be really good for us To have some time apart.
Well, this is not A good time to be Telling me this.
Oh, god, you're right.
I'm sorry.
Just forget i brought it up.
Well, what Do you mean? No, this is bad.
I'm sorry.
Just put it Out of your mind.
Put it Out of my mind? It's no big deal.
We'll talk about it Some other time, ok? Some other time? Have a good show, ok? Have a good show.
We'll talk about it later.
Well, what do-- What do you mean? I shouldn't have Brought it up.
It's no big deal.
[dick on speaker] larry? [Clatters] [robin quivers] yeah, i think that's the woman he's getting back together with.
[howard stern] yeah, the one with the big tits, but the heavy attitude.
she's pretty hot.
all right, so, the question is what is larry sanders gonna do about his new contract? what is larry sanders gonna do about his new contract? well, i can reveal, for the first time, ladies and gentlemen larry sanders will be taking his show to new york, and he's probably gonna go on after nightline, and they're talking about making some format changes, too.
that's it.
but that's where larry really wants to go.
Oh, my god.
He's taking us To new york.
What if he's not Taking all of us? That ass! Look, phil, you're Getting your facts From howard stern, For crying out loud.
That's pure Speculation.
Don't you think, If larry's gonna Take the show To new york, He'd tell me? Really? Yes.
Well, what if He made the decision, Didn't tell you about it? Yeah.
Larry wouldn't do that.
Larry, hey.
As you know, It's a higher Cost of living In new york, And, um, i think That should be Reflected in my, Uh, paycheck.
Well, i have A show to do now.
Larry! The abc deal Is almost locked up.
Here's the figure.
This is For a year.
One year.
Wait a minute.
If harbert's Such a big fan, How come this Is just a year? Come on, larry.
These guys never last.
He'll be out of the job Within a year.
We renegotiate.
That makes No sense at all.
Larry? Hank wanted Me to ask you That if you and hank Go to new york, That i'll still Be able to go, right? In a second, darlene.
All right? I have to do The show.
Larry Don't micromanage, all right? Let me handle the details.
You know what your Problem is, stevie? You talk to me Like you think I believe you.
[Chuckles] I'll see you After the show.
Yeah, i've got To do the show.
[Applauding] Here.
UhLarry, I just wanted To say thanks.
For what? For making me Look like a liar In front of The entire staff.
It was A real pleasure.
Beverly, i need the water.
[Hank] We really-- we couldn't Do the show Without you, gang.
So thank you for coming On down here tonight and-- [Audience applauds] You folks see That flashing sign up there? Now, that sign says-- I thought i made it clear I can't go to new york.
You did.
I thought i made it very, Very convincingly clear.
[Hank] Ray, do me a favor.
Could you flick that once? Well, i mean, i hear now That you're thinking About going.
I can't go.
What the fuck is that? What are you Talking about, art? I haven't made A decision yet, ok? Why don't you give me A list of the cities That you'll work in, And then i'll Make my decision, ok? Oh, fine.
I see I'm not needed here.
Come on.
That's fine with me.
You know, Your life, your show, Your problem, And i hope you're Happy with it.
Well, i'm doing The best i can.
Anything else On your mind? [Man] 5, 4, 3, 2 Well, let's see, You know how You're always worried About your ass? I'm gonna level with you.
You got a huge ass.
It's a huge, huge ass.
That's why we sent for That new lens from sony, So we could Cover that huge ass.
[Hank] The larry sanders show.
Tonight, join Larry and his guests You know what? I have a show to do.
I love everything you do on saturday night live.
I love the-- Thanks, larry.
I have nightmares Of someone like you Coming through My window.
Really, You're hilarious, And i love The motivational Speaker character That you do.
Oh, yeah.
That's kind of-- [Audience cheers] That's kind of like My dad, really.
It was taken from him, the yelling part, and i really like that.
when he says, "larry, i think you wanna "Take the world By the tail and Wrap it around, "Pull it down, and put it In your pocket! "Well, i'm here to tell you That you're gonna find out, "As you go out there, "You're not going to amount "To jack squat! "You're gonna end up Eatin' a steady diet Of government cheese And livin' in a van Down by the river!" [Audience cheers] All right.
We're going to, uh Release chris now.
Here, you've been Hilarious tonight.
We're big fans, and You'll come back again Sometime soon i hope.
I thought maybe It was gonna be longer.
I thought-- i've only been Out here couple minutes.
Is that how it-- Er, uh It is a little short.
And i know we'd all Like to see more, But there's Something else I have to do before We finish the show Tonight, all right? I flew all the way in From new york for this.
You know? you flew in from new york? how long is that flight? I knew it! It's new york! But you like Being in l.
? Especially this Time of year, Wonderful, isn't it? Yeah, at least i got To come to california.
It's l.
It's l.
It's not.
Beverly, come on.
Look, phil, Larry is a very, Very complex man.
As many of you know, I've been in show business Now for 20 years, Which is, uh, A long and wonderful career.
And, uh, what i'm trying To say is that, Uh, this is the final larry sanders show That you've watched tonight, And, please, If anyone needs me, I'll be in montana.
I plan to, uh, Live the rest of my life As just an everyday guy.
First i'd like to take A moment To acknowledge All the people Who have worked On the show very hard And made everything that You've seen possible All these years.
Uh, first of all, There's my producer artie, Who, uh-- [Audience applauds] Really holds Everything together.
Uh, i'd like to, uh, Of course, Give a special tribute To my assistant beverly, Who has stuck with me Through thick and thin.
[Audience applauds] Um, my writing staff, Who, uh, have Never really settled For anything but the best Hey, chris.
Chris! Come here, man.
Listen, um, listen, I have some Sketch ideas.
Could you take 'em Down to snl? [Chuckles] Of course, Our technical crew And the rest Of the office staff.
The name's darlene, You fucking idiot.
And, uh, of course, My good friend On air and off air, Hey, now, hank kingsley Who's been terrific.
Thank you all for watching, And, uh, good night.
And, uh Take care.
You may feel free to flip.
[Audience applauding] ** [Theme plays] You're a miserable fucker.
A real miserable fucker.
[Birds twittering] [Coughing] [Splashes] Shit.
[Man] shh! You're Scaring the fish.
Sorry! I didn't See you there! What are you usin'? Night crawlers.
Oh, yeah! Those are good! You watch tv much? Stay up late? [Hums his theme song] * Da da, da-da, da da * * Mmm-hmm, mm-mm, mm-hmm * And now, because He made a big mistake Larry sanders.
[Frogs croaking] Fucking frogs.
** [theme]