The Larry Sanders Show (1992) s03e01 Episode Script


[Birds chirping] Larry: we're back With robin williams, Who is the--in case You're confused-- The man To my immediate right.
Robin: thank you.
Now, tell us more About your baby.
He's wonderful.
I mean, he's hung Like a field mouse.
Yes? [Audience laughs] I mean, you pop the diaper And-- boing! It's like a little sundial.
"Look!" It's amazing.
It's like you're going, "Whoa, yeah!" "Honey, what time is it?" "Get the baby.
Get the baby.
" "Look! It's 3:00! Oh, it's 2:30 now.
It's real cold.
" But it's an incredible thing.
It's, um, having a child Like that.
It is amazing, The effect of baby ca-ca.
You know, It is like kryptonite for-- For the father.
Even the dog looks at me like, "You don't put his face in it.
" [Larry laughing] I think it would Stop him right away.
It's almost like i know That he's growing old Because he's, like, He's 8 months And he has His own little credit card Called "fetal express.
" He's dialing up one of those "976-suckle," you know? [Sultry female voice] I'm waiting for you.
I'm lactating.
Call me.
I think i like The kryptonite suit.
That's actually What it seems like.
It does, it looks like-- I like that suit.
God bless you! [Car approaches] What is it, Is it japanese? It is.
And what is this? This is sears, right? Yes, so they're both Japanese.
[Robin laughs] [Tv turns off] [Car door opens, Closes] [Knock]a Artie! Hey! You look familiar.
Yeah, it's me.
Ha ha! Look at you! You look great! Hey, buddy.
How's it going? It's going great! What have you been doing, kid? Well, i gotta tell you, Artie, i've been having A great time.
This is just the best Thing i've ever done, Moving to montana.
Hey, take your jacket off.
Let me get you something To drink.
Got any vodka? Snapple is all i've got.
[Pirate accent] I brought me own.
Heh heh heh.
A salty dog? You read my mind.
Yeah, ok.
I'll get it.
God, it's great you're here.
Been catching any fish? Oh, yeah.
Get my limit most days.
Been having A good time in the woods? Oh, yeah, great! Those photos you sent me Of this place don't Do it justice.
It looks a lot better Than that.
Yeah, thanks.
I've been, you know, Fixing the place up.
[Bird whistling] You hear that? That's my whippoorwill, Artie.
It's not a whippoorwill.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, it is.
That's a whippoorwill, All right, And you know What he does? He lets me just Walk right up to him.
He eats breadcrumbs Right out of my hand.
Oh, larry, It's a magpie.
They're scavengers, You know? They feed on road kill, Dead meat.
You know they carry rabies And lyme disease? You better not take a nap Out on your porch.
They'll peck your eyes out.
Every day.
That's a stout drink, eh? Mmmm.
I saw those tapes.
Which tapes? The complete years Of the larry sander's show.
The one's in the closet.
I've never been So miserable in my life.
Artie, i swear to god, Something's gotta give, 'Cause i'm gonna end up Killing myself And i know someone Who can help me, Right up here.
There's a guy across-- Aw, come on, larry.
I knew you wouldn't Be happy here.
You're a talk show animal.
You're like one of Those goddamn creatures Out of greek mythology-- Half man, half desk.
[Bird whistles] Get off the porch, asshole.
Artie, isn't there Something we can do To get my show back? Anything? Any possible way? Couldn't we just say Maybe that i suffered A temporary, uh-- Lapse of sanity Or mental exhaustion? Or we could say You had a drug problem.
You had to hide out in montana Till you dried out.
I tell you, that's The only surefire way i know Of avoiding embarrassment.
That's pathetic.
We should save that one For when i really Have a drug problem, Don't you think? Quite right.
Well, try this one On for size.
What is this? The network is suing you For breach of contract.
No, look at this.
This is splendid.
We can make it look Like the network Had to drag you back Kicking and screaming.
Say that i don't want To come back But have to because of This legal obligation.
You'll get your show back And your dignity.
Love these fuckers.
Yeah, ill' drink to that.
Now, larry, if i hurry I can catch the last plane Out of bozeman.
I'll be in l.
In the morning.
I'll fix a deal with germain And those network cohorts.
Well, wait.
I'll go pack up, And then we'll, Uh I'll go with you.
No, no, no, no, no.
Yeah, yeah.
You've got to stay here.
If you show up in l.
You'll look desperate.
Well, i don't want To look desperate.
Why are you here? What did you do, Take the first flight After mine? No.
I took your flight.
Yeah? Yeah.
I didn't want you to See me, so i flew coach.
I don't know How people do it.
They don't even give you Those little towels, Those little wet towels.
I had to wipe my face With a pack Of sweet'n low.
What did you think Of that book i gave you? Did you finish it? Oh, yeah, i read it On the plane.
Man, i can't believe Leno actually hid In the closet So he could hear the Whole network meeting.
That's a sickness, to be so Obsessed with what people Are saying about you.
I know.
That is a sickness.
What did people say About me not being Mentioned much In the book? Everybody in town's Talking about it.
Hey, you want to see hank? At exactly 8:25 Hank: tonight, for some Very lucky winner Tonight's super-spin jackpot Is up to $3 million, Which means a lot of pesos For some very lucky winner.
And by pesos I don't mean to imply That someone of hispanic Descent is likely to win.
Ok, here we go.
The first number is Say now.
"Say now"? Say now.
Well, he can't say "Hey, now.
" That's the intellectual property Of the larry sanders show.
You're kidding.
What about "No flipping"? Public domain.
Larry, listen to me.
It's very important That you keep a low profile While i negotiate.
I'm just gonna Start assembling The staff tomorrow.
What did i just say? Low profile.
[Loud rock music] [Radio turns off] [Coughs] How long have you Been smoking? Since the night You left.
You really pulled The rug out from Under me, larry boy.
Yeah, ok.
Can i crack the window? No.
Goddamn thing Doesn't work.
I'm taking it in Tomorrow.
[Knock knock] [Coughs] You had it on "Passenger window lock.
" Is this what you call Low profile? Two grown men sitting In a car full of smoke? Looks like a goddamn Cheech and chong movie.
All right.
Speed it up, Will ya? Yeah.
By the way, that's not A bad booking idea, artie.
Cheech and chong.
You know, He's the one who took it The hardest when you-- Really? Oh, yeah.
Really? Yeah.
I mean, the show Was all he had, larry.
At least, thank god, I have a skill.
That's why The lottery people, See, they just-- [Snaps fingers] They snapped me up Like that.
Yeah, they're lucky To have you Really lucky To have you.
Thank you.
But, you know, i'd like you To think about coming back And doing the show.
Come on.
No, no, no.
You know what The lottery people Give me, larry? A free scratcher ticket? Ha ha ha.
They give me respect.
[Inhales and sighs] Well, just think About it, ok? No.
I don't think so, I don't know.
I just gotta go For a long drive.
[Opens door] Fine.
I just don't like standing Up here in the dark like this.
I know, but i'm trying To keep this very low profile, Darlene.
I just want to know If you would like to come And work on the show When we start up again.
Working for hank was the most Meaningful experience of my Life.
That's nice.
I don't know If he's coming back.
But you'll have some sort Of sidekick, right.
See you monday.
I know that in the past I've been difficult to work for.
I know you don't feel that way.
But i would like you To come back and be my assistant When we start The show up again.
Uh, excuse me, mr.
Are you going to be having Any more secret meetings today Or can i lock up The stage now? Just one more moment, don.
What i, uh What i'm trying to say Is i don't want to do The show without you.
But you never fired me.
I didn't? No.
Your business manager Gives me a paycheck every week.
So if i didn't fire you, I don't have to be Having this talk.
See you monday.
Well, i should Tell you that-- Shh.
I should tell you that Conan o'brien has offered me A job as associate producer And i'd be very involved In the creative direction Of the show.
Are you listening to me? Yeah, yeah.
You look different.
Have you shaved Or something? I colored my hair.
Oh, yeah.
I can understand Why you'd want to take The conan o'brien job Over this one.
Uh It's a good-- how long Do you think that's Gonna stay on the air? I'll see you monday.
So what Have you been up to The last 3 months, phil? Oh, jerking off.
See you monday.
All right.
Don't speak.
Just listen.
We've been together A good long time, right? I've always been there For you in the past, And i would like to be there For you in the future.
Now, i just need One thing.
I need to know that No matter what happens You will never abandon me Like that again.
I need to hear you Promise me that.
That's good enough for me.
I am back.
I'll see you tuesday.
Even better.
Oh, god.
It's good to know I'll never have to pull another Set of balls like that again.
Okay, good.
Come on.
I mean it.
I mean it.
I want it.
I mean it.
You know what i want.
I can't believe you hired The entire staff back.
No, this would have been The perfect time To get rid of some of The deadwood in the office.
Oh, come on.
Phil does a good job.
I don't mean phil.
Oh, you mean paula? I'm not saying, But some of these people Are useless.
They should be cut out of here Like cancer.
Hello, children! Look at you! All back where you belong.
Aw, it does my heart good.
Ah, the whole family Is here.
[Air kiss] All right.
What, Are you gonna start singing? I shouldn't be A bit surprised.
Uh, larry, everyone loves The flowers you gave them.
Great! Oh, well, Please accept them In the spirit with which They were given.
Good job.
Before you go in, i-- Gentlemen, Good afternoon.
What an honor.
I was just coming up To see you, sir.
Larry, what are you Doing here? Uh, beverly, Hold my calls.
That's what i was coming up To talk to you about.
We're going to put the show Back on the air.
Yeah, we don't want to Spend the next 5 years Fighting this out On court tv, do we? Gentlemen, you take me By surprise.
I must say that I'm not prepared to Put the show back on.
It won't take Much preparation.
We've already Got the staff back.
How can i clarify this? Uh, i don't want To put the show back on.
But you're suing me.
I'm only suing you to Save face for the network.
I'm happy to drop the suit.
Well, let's not Be hasty now.
We're not asking you To drop the lawsuit.
Larry is very sorry, Richard, that he Left you With a big, gaping hole At 11:30.
Hole at 11:30? I have no hole.
Larry walked, i put on Back-to-back cheers reruns in the spot And they're doing Rather well.
Better then leno As a matter of fact.
All right, this bullshit.
You know what? This reminds why i hate The fucking business.
If you say you're gonna Sue somebody, The least you can do Is follow through and sue them.
I'm going back to montana, If anybody needs me.
Fuck it.
Larry, are you Really going Back to montana? Yes i am.
I'm going to l.
I'm getting the first flight Out of here.
All right, You people can start Packing up your desks.
I'm tired of this Childish behavior.
Let's have a talk In my office, richard.
What do you say? Take a seat.
Use my chair.
Ha ha ha.
Well? Richard, what i'm about To tell you can't Leave this room.
Oh, please, don't tell me You and larry are lovers.
No, of course not.
Now, listen, nobody Knows about th-- What could make you Think we're lovers?! Something about the dynamic? You were saying? The reason larry had To leave the way he did Was, uhWell, due To the pressures Of the show Larry had developed A chemical dependency.
A drug problem? Painkillers at first, And then at times, Anti-anxiety medication And then later, Of course, Anything at all That came in a tablet Or capsule form.
[Rustling] Well, that explains a lot-- The mood swings, The attention disorder, The astonishing Weight gain.
And we decided, That, uh For the good Of your network's name, That larry should Skedaddle up to montana And, uhKick This thing quietly.
Is he clean? He's as clean as Louie anderson's Dinner plate.
[Rustling] Hello! Oh, just a mom-- Uh, ricardo, Will you excuse me? I have to take this.
I didn't hear it ring.
Oh, it didn't.
It's a new system.
You see, there's A little flashing Light here You can't see from Where you're standing.
Uh, just a moment.
It'll take me a minute.
Yeah, i need to have A whizz anyway.
Where's the gent's? Uh, right out the door, First crapper on the left.
What the hell Are you doing-- That's exactly why i said You should stay in montana.
Didn't you tell me You didn't want To embarrass yourself? What'd he mean By astonishing weight gain? Never mind that.
What about The gay lovers thing? What about the fact That you said i have A drug problem.
Oh, trust me.
What is that about? That was A last resort.
Last resort.
You could've come up With something a little Less pathetic.
Just calm down.
Take one of these.
It'll make you Feel better.
Thank you.
Here you go.
All right, All right.
You keep these.
Take them.
Take them.
Take them.
I didn't know we got A new phone system.
¡vamanos! ¡Andalay! ¡pronto! Arthur! Yes? Was that larry? Where? [Whispering] Arthur.
I've had a moment To think.
I'm willing to give you Your show back.
But larry must do Something for the network.
Of course.
To save us all From great embarrassment.
Half-water, Half-coffee? Larry, larry, hi.
Oh, bernadette.
Hi! So good to see you.
Thanks so much for being The first guest tonight.
I'm thrilled.
I'm honored that you'd Ask me to do the show.
I love the show.
Oh, good.
Listen, Did artie talk to you About maybe singing The hello, larry Kind of song to me.
Yeah, yeah.
Oh, good, good, good.
That'll be great.
But, you know, i, um I feel really bad Because i--you know, I don't want to do it.
Well, that's fine.
I don't want you to do Anything you don't Want to do.
If you don't want to Sing the "welcome back, Larry--" It is my first night Back and all, But that would be ok.
Yeah, i know, But you know, to me, It's, like, When, you know, Bette midler sang good-bye To johnny on his last show.
I know, this is-- This is your first-- Well, fine.
You don't Want to sing it.
That's all right.
But i have-- i have Something special planned.
Well, should i tell the band, Because they'll need To know the key.
No, larry, i'm not Going to sing to you, But, please, i feel Really bad, though-- No.
Don't even Think about it.
I'll see you out there.
But you'll like What i'm going to do.
How's your mother? Good.
He hasn't changed.
All right.
Here we go.
I'm sorry.
Are you-- Are you trying To find your aura? Yeah.
Would it be all right If i joined you? Fine.
[Making vocal noises] Live on tape.
[Vocal noises] Live on-- Hank, hank.
Don't worry about a thing.
You'll get it back.
Yeah, good.
Live on tape.
[Applause] The house is packed.
You know, It doesn't matter, Because i'm not Going out there.
Then you won't Get your show back, Well, fine.
Nice job of negotiating, By the way.
You don't like it, Go back to that cabin And do a show On public access.
As i recall, You said something about You could pull this off Without me suffering Any humiliation.
That's right, i did.
Hank: hey, now You won't be humiliated.
Yes, i will.
Trust me.
I'm not Going out there.
You haven't Got a choice.
I'm not going Out there.
I am not going Out there.
[Applause and cheering] [Band playing] Thank you.
All right, okay.
Down you go.
Down you go.
Down you go.
[Audience Continues to cheer] Boy, why couldn't You guys have-- [Audience whooping] I should've-- all right.
That's enough.
I know what you're thinking.
Why-- i should've taken You to montana with me.
I understand that.
[Roaring laughter And whooping] We could've all Fit in the boat.
Well, it's been A long time.
I'm--it's great To be back.
Before i get any further Into tonight's show, I do have a little Announcement i'd like to make.
On a serious note, uh I, uh, i left 3 months ago On such short notice, Uh, because, uh-- I had a--ahem An addiction to painkillers.
I had a feeling He was abusing his body In some way.
Hi! Is conan there? I would like To thank, uh Mr.
Richard germain Of the network Are you happy now? Oh, yes.
And he'll mention it again At the end of the show? He will! And he'll mc The affiliates dinner In kansas city? With great pleasure! Larry: for giving me The chance to go to montana And a second chance, Now that i've, uh Beaten the situation With drugs.
[Audience shouts, cheers And applauds] Ok.
So on with the, uh, Current news.
Hilary clinton got That new haircut.
Yeah, she got that Because that's how they're Wearing it in prison.
[Laughter] I, uh [Whooping and yelling] I really don't care What they did before They were president.
[Laughter] Las vegas is Really changing.
In the 3 months That i've been gone, My god, i cannot believe it.
They're now starting To appeal, in las vegas, To families, Which has just changed The entire town.
I actually saw a hooker Dressed in a barney outfit.
[Laughter] It was unbelievable.
Now when barney sings, "You love me, i love you," It costs you 250 bucks.
All right.
[Applause] We have a great show.
Let's move on.
We have bernadette peters.
We have many, many Other surprises.
It's great to be back.
No flipping.
We'll be right back.
I'm sorry i had To put you through it.
I just can't believe it.
I mean, these people Actually love me more Than they did before I had a drug problem.
I've never seen Anything like it.
Did you hear them? Jeez, i can't Believe that.
Did you hear that crowd? I was just telling-- All right.
Now, listen.
I got a great idea For sweeps week.
Now, listen to this.
Larry comes out And he tells The people that He was molested As a child.
All right? Of course, i mean We have people who Call your parents And we tell them We're just making it up.
You're kidding, right? Think about it.
I'm telling you, Think about it.
Still glad you came back From montana? I think if i learned One thing, artie, It's that happiness Comes from in here.
Is that your way Of saying you'd Like another pill? Yes, it is.
Appreciate it.
It's your night, kiddo.
Enough about me.
This is your first night back.
This is your first show back.
Yes, it is.
And, i just-- This is about you, And i've prepared A little something for you.
Oh! Will you need Our band for this? No.
Because they'd be happy to-- Not even For background? No.
Would you like them-- Oh, you're going to Clearly sing something.
I will-- no, i'm not.
I'm not singing.
I've, uh It's a poem.
I'm touched.
Well, you know, I'm not a serious poet, So, i mean, Don't be too critical, But just know that The sentiment behind it Is all true.
Ahem! Ahem! Ahem! Ahem! Ahem! "He was always There for me, "The friend i could Depend upon, "But then one night I looked for him "And found That he was gone.
"I wondered how I'd get along.
"I wondered how I'd face the night.
"And then, as quickly As he'd gone, "My friend returned "And all was right.
"So now i'll watch him Once again, "My worry gone, My life on track.
"And every night, I say a prayer, Thank the lord, Hank kingsley's back!" [Audience howling] [Applause]