The Larry Sanders Show (1992) s03e02 Episode Script

You're Having My Baby

I don't see it.
What section is it in? Howard rosenberg's Tv review.
I love this.
"There's a new wrinkle In the late-night world.
"Having survived round one Of the talk-show wars "In a 2-month drug rehab In montana, "Larry sanders is far From home free.
"Sources say a montana woman "Is preparing To publicly allege That she is pregnant With sanders' child.
" You know, these tabloids, They just make this stuff up, And if you guys Had any sense at all, You'd know that.
Beverly, it's not a tabloid.
It's the l.
Let me see that.
Where? What does it say? "Preparing To publicly allege.
" Well, if you're gonna Cover your butt that much, Why print it at all, huh? She's a nut.
Look at that picture.
You can see the craziness In her eyes.
That's shelley long.
You know, i am prepared To publicly allege That larry fondles My buttocks Whenever i go in To pitch jokes.
How much do you think I could get for that? Million, million and 5, Depending upon if you Can prove your buttocks Is a source of income.
Not since college.
Good morning, larry.
Paula, is mimi rogers Confirmed for tonight? Yes, she is.
I just Spoke to her agent.
Anything good In the paper this morning? No.
baywatch Was renewed.
Oh, good.
Good, good, good.
Anybody see that article About that woman in montana Who claims She's having my baby? No.
Well, thanks for lying Through your teeth.
I appreciate it.
Although i hope the thing About baywatch is true.
Is it true? [Door closes] Guy, could you excuse us A moment? Take two.
His name guy? No.
He's just a guy.
Larry, about this item In the l.
Times Irresponsible Yellow journalism.
Innuendo like that Is repugnant.
I did not sleep with That woman from montana.
No? No.
Just checking.
I haven't even met Anyone i've liked in The last 6 months.
Why do you think I'm so excited About mimi rogers? Hey, i get some On a nightly basis.
I'm still excited About mimi rogers.
You get some what On a nightly basis? Some of this, some of that.
You don't wanna know.
Do you? No.
Bags of crap.
What, Did roseanne and tom Take your spot again? No.
I'm just so sorry about That montana-woman thing.
Listen, how do you wanna Play it on the air? I wanna handle it Exactly the same way We handled that Drunk-driving incident In '89, ok? Ok.
Nice tie, by the way.
Oh, thanks.
It was given to me By the Chamber of commerce Of pittsfield, maine.
Oh, that would explain The lobster.
How's that? Maine.
I got it.
You're Working on a bit.
I'll play along.
Maine lobsters [Applause] And, uh, what a good crowd.
This is the best crowd We've had all week.
We have the, Uh, fly-by-nights, And the marvelous Mimi rogers will be out In just a minute, And she is great.
And, uhHank, that's A nice tie you got there.
That is a, uh Thank you.
Speaking of ties, There's something else i'd like To get off my chest, if i may.
You know, this morning, Monday morning, It was ruined by someone Dumping a heap of garbage On my front porch.
Well, that usually Happens on tuesday Mornings, doesn't it? That's why it threw you.
Uh, heap of garbage That i am referring to Is the los angeles times.
All right, Artie says we have To keep moving along.
I mean, you got a loony Out in montana.
Who cares? Right, gang? I mean, i once had A woman, and, uh Do we have time for this? I don't think we need to get Into the details of this.
She followed me Across 7 states.
And she was quite a fruitcake, I can tell you that.
All right, well, Some things are left Best to the imagination.
Her name was cindy halloran.
[Mutters] Cindy halloran from pensacola, Thank you very much.
We'll be right back With, uh, the fly-by-nights And mimi rogers.
Don't flip around.
Listen, hank, what the fuck Were you doing out there? I had to bleep you.
Bleep me.
Why? Cindy halloran.
Pensacola, florida.
If we'd Let that thing air, We would've had a lawsuit As big as the great outdoors.
I bleeped her last name, So there's no problem.
Well, i got a problem.
People are going to think I called her cindy fuckpot Or something.
From the philadelphia Fuckpots.
Do you Recall at all how we handled The drunk-driving situation? Yes, i recall.
Oh, do you? Yes.
I, uh You said I said I said nothing.
We didn't bring it up On the air.
Do you recall? Nothing.
I'm sorry.
I'll apologize when we Come back on the commercial.
I'm so sorry.
Do i have to bleep you again? Oh, please, no.
In 6 years, I've only been bleeped The one time.
God, don't remind me.
Ok, i happened to say The word cum.
So what? In front of jessica tandy.
Oh, that crybaby.
She's Heard all this shit before.
Artie, nothing.
Stage manager: In 5, 4, 3 And he did not become nude In this movie.
No, well, you don't Become nude.
He didn't take His clothes off.
You become nude.
I've heard that about you.
No, i don't become--no.
What you're thinking is that I'm very becoming nude.
That must be it.
Ha ha ha.
My next guests are We have them on the show As often as we can.
Please give a warm welcome To the fly-by-nights.
[Music plays] Would you like A piece of gum? Oh, just half.
Do you wanna go out sometime? [Mutters] You don't waste Any time.
Well, they're only on For 3 1/2 minutes, So i thought I'd get right to it.
Doing anything tonight? Well, to be Perfectly honest, I'm not really comfortable Having a date If you're going through This weird thing That i read about In the paper.
I'm not going through Anything.
I swear to you, that is Just blown out of proportion.
Come over to my house, we'll Have dinner.
Wanna do that? We could watch Ourselves on tv.
Watch ourselves on tv.
We have a lot in common.
I thought mimi was terrific.
That will win The nobel prize For chemistry.
I hope so.
Don't forget To submit me.
Hmm? Please.
You know, during The commercial, We really hit it off, too.
She said she likes juggling.
I like juggling.
Sometimes the magic Just appears.
Well, you know, We are a variety show.
[Knock on door] Boy, do i have A big surprise for you, Mr.
Larry sanders.
Now get this.
I'm up in the audience Passing out "hey now" Buttons after the show, And this lovely, This charming young lady Walks up to me, And she introduces herself As your cousin.
Really? Patricia? No.
No, this is the cousin, Or so i've been told, That you haven't seen For 16 years.
And, you know, That's not right, larry.
So, as a very special surprise, Let's give a big hello to Your cousin, hey now Mary beth? Hi, larry.
Welcome, young lady.
I'm always glad To meet a new twig from The sanders' family tree.
This is not my cousin.
I'm mary beth nagler From montana.
I'm having larry's baby.
Gimme the button.
[Sighs] I'm so sorry, larry.
We have a problem, Larry, don't we? Well, maybe It's something We should sit down And talk about, If you want to.
That might be good 'cause hard copy is offering me $5,000 To talk to them.
Young lady, am I to understand you are Blackmailing mr.
Sanders? I just wanted To let you know In case you wanted To do something.
Do you wanna Do something, larry? Move another inch Toward larry, And i'll take you down hard.
Oh, i like the way You talked about us On the show.
One day, i'll be able To show the baby that tape And say, "That's your daddy.
" Wonderful, hank.
Are you insane? Yes, i think i'm insane.
I don't know.
I mean, She's in the audience.
Is she the only one, Or did you run across Some muslim extremist Who'd like to meet larry? Would you get my attorney On the phone, beverly? [Ringing] Woman: good morning, l.
Yeah, howard rosenberg's Office, please.
Hold on.
Hello, howard? This is hank kingsley.
Uh, listen, and this Is off the record, But, uh, i don't know where You're getting this crap About larry sanders, But it has got to stop.
It is a non-story.
And i understand you gotta Fill your column, But don't fill it up with crap.
Otherwise, you end up with, What we call in our business A crap column.
Now listen.
Listen, uh I've got something Much, much better.
Um, this is hard.
I was, uh, personally Abused as a child.
No, not sexually.
I was beaten, And i was kicked.
You know, That sort of thing.
Well, who do you Think did it? The other kids, that's who.
I think we should just Pay her off, give her the $1,000 more than hard copy, And be done with The whole mess.
Lloyd, what do you think? If somebody finds out You paid her off, It would look like An admission of guilt.
Lloyd, there's no way The woman is pregnant With my child, all right? But i'm telling you, The longer this drags on, The more people Start to believe it.
Michael jackson Wrote a check.
All right, Look, ok, ok, fine, let's Not write the check, ok.
What do we do? Let's go over The facts so they're Straight in my mind.
You do not know This woman, correct? No.
Very good.
You never met her? No.
I may have Seen her someplace, But i don't know her.
Then you saw her? Where did you See her, larry? I saw her in a restaurant With a group of people, But i never-- I don't know her-- You never spoke? No.
So, you never spoke? What am i? I feel like The menendez brothers.
Ooh, what those boys did.
Look, lloyd, i meet A lot of women.
Maybe i talked to her, Maybe i said hello.
What, you can't get pregnant From saying hello Unless you say it To warren beatty.
All right.
Just take it easy.
I'll look into it.
Thank you.
Don't worry.
We'll Come up with something.
That's it? Yeah, for now.
All right, what did That cost me, lloyd? Well, let's see $750.
Make it an even 7.
Don't tell anybody.
I'll be in touch.
See you later.
Thanks a lot, lloyd.
[Door closes] You didn't tell me You talked to her.
Oh, jesus, come on.
You want some lunch? Nope.
Wanna play basketball? Nope.
You want to go shopping? Buy yourself Something extravagant? Cheer yourself up? Yep.
Me and tom snyder-- Shoving match right there In the thrifty parking lot.
You're right.
You're right, That didn't happen.
Roseanne didn't marry Her assistant, either.
She gets to make up This stuff.
Why the hell can't i? Now look Hey, hey, am-scray.
I'm on the one-phay.
I'm sorry, howard.
Uh, ok, let me see I'll run through these, See if anything works for ya.
Ok, i'm afraid of the dark.
Yeah, i didn't think so.
Whew, this is hard.
Red wine gives me hives.
I got a special thing For, uh, asian ladies.
I found a more Powerful lamp.
I'm not seeing anything.
It's all just blurry.
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
Oh, my god, that is Kevin costner's house.
Yeah, let me see.
That's amazing.
Yeah, that's it.
It's clear Tonight.
Normally, you can only See to whitney houston-- What? Normally, you can only see To whitney houston's house, But it must Be very clear tonight.
Can i see? Here, i'll show you Whitney houston's There.
Oh, can you help me focus? Level.
That's better.
You know, i'm really Having fun tonight.
Are ya? Yeah.
Oh, that's it.
It's perfect.
[Doorbell rings] Are you, uh, Expecting someone? Um, no.
If that's kevin costner, Make sure that we pretend We were just looking at The moon, ok? Ok.
[Ding dong] I'm coming.
Hope you don't mind My dropping by at this hour.
[Giggles] What are you--how did You get my address? Are You gonna take care of The situation, or what? How did you get my address? Oh, my god.
Mimi rogers? I love you.
I love you.
I loved you In star wars.
I think you're confusing me With carrie fisher.
You are so great.
You know, after I saw that movie, I started doing my hair In princess-leia buns For months.
That's very flattering, Thank you.
So did i, by the way.
This'll just take a second.
Uh, this is not the time For you to be here.
Mimi, this Is larry's baby.
Well, uh, Congratulations, larry.
Hello, gentlemen.
What are you doing, larry? I'm writing her A check, lloyd.
And don't try to Talk me out of it.
Well, maybe a check Is the right way to go, larry.
Because i've checked around, And this woman Is definitely pregnant.
And there are a number Of witnesses in montana Who saw the two of you Sitting in a car together.
That is bull.
And there's more.
She says She's able to describe Distinguishing marks On your genital area.
That isA lot of bull.
Well, tell me if it is.
She says, "one large birthmark "With 2 smaller ones above it At the base of the penis Forming a mickey mouse head.
" That is not my penis.
I have to address Every piece of information As it comes along.
Larry, i'm gonna Keep working on this, But just so you know, it's Starting to get a little tricky.
I'll keep in touch.
Good work.
What are we gonna do? Jesus, larry, she knows All about little mickey.
All right, look.
I was lonely, I was in a restaurant.
I started to talk to her.
Look, i ordered, She wrote it down.
She was a waitress? No, she was one of the top People in the space program.
Yeah, she was A waitress, artie.
Tell me the story, Will ya? God damn it! So she gets off work, And i, uh Meet her in the parking lot, We sit in my car, we talk.
What'd you talk about, larry? About the distinguishing marks Around your dick? How else would she know? It's embarrassing, artie.
We sat in the car Yeah? And then you boffed her.
What do you think, I have sex with women I don't know In this day and age? What is wrong with you? Sorry.
She gave me a handjob In the parking lot At denny's.
Why didn't you tell me About this sooner? 'Cause i hate myself.
I feel like a sleazebag, For god sakes.
There's nothing wrong With a handjob, larry.
In my day, i've had Plenty of 'em In far worse places Than a parking lot.
I remember One time i was visiting St.
Patrick's cathedral.
It was a thursday.
There weren't many people In the pews in the back.
That is the difference.
You can get a handjob Any day of the week.
I get one, it ends up In the paper.
Price of fame, my boy.
"After all these years, Everyone in hollywood "Knows i'm An intelligent critic.
"Everyone except Hank kingsley, that is.
"The veteran Couch-warmer kept me On the phone yesterday "For 20 minutes, "Babbling about hives, Tom snyder, "And a predilection For asian women.
"I know the television industry Has more than its share Of pathetic types, but kingsley Has taken the prize.
" I remember when the paper Used to be nice.
Now it's all full of lies.
Asian women, huh? Has hank seen this yet? I don't know.
Call the l.
Times and get That punk on the phone.
Morning, hank.
Thank you.
What do you think, should I buy larry a new paper Or just put this one Back on his desk? Howard rosenberg's Office, please.
Seems like a totally Different show over here.
Well, quite right, larry.
You gotta get out from behind That desk every now and then, See how the other half lives.
Larry, arthur, How's it going? That's what i wanna know.
Well, she's Definitely pregnant.
We found The real father.
Huh? He's a park ranger Up in bozeman.
Apparently all The folks up there Know that she's Had a history of pulling Little stunts like this.
I told you.
I told you guys She was crazy.
She's a beauty, I'll tell you.
When we told her all about The real father, She started calling reporters With the news story.
Now she claims-- And get this-- She gave you a handjob In a parking lot.
That is so pathetic.
Should've slapped her Out of town on that one.
Handjob in a parking lot At denny's.
I didn't say anything About denny's.
I think you did.
No, i didn't, did i? Yeah, yeah.
I heard denny's.
Anyway, the important Thing is her credibility Is completely blown.
Nobody believes a word She says.
It's over.
Thanks, lloyd.
Hey, that's great, Lloyd.
All right.
My pleasure.
Wonderful work.
Yes, sir.
Darlene, anything? Yes, your mail Is on my desk, You have some calls, And these ladies are Waiting to see you.
This is kim fugiwa.
I think i got that Right.
And jennifer chen.
And--i'm sorry, i didn't Get this lady's name.
Hank, cindy halloran From pensacola.
I heard you mention me On the show.
Cindy! Well, You look You look great.
Um, why don't you Wait in my office, And we'll chat.
Make yourself at home.
Call security.
Call security now.
Hello, ladies.
kon' nichi wa.
Oh, you were terrific On the show, by the way.
We just, uh, absolutely Loved it, yeah.
You've gotta come back Again sometime.
And, mimi, listen, i think We should try going out again.
Well, i know that was awkward, But, you know, that problem Has been Taken care of.
No, i understand, But--all right, look, Why don't i, uh Just come by, And we'll sit in the car, You know, and, uh Talk.