The Larry Sanders Show (1992) s03e03 Episode Script
Would You Do Me a Favor?
Hank kingsley: apple sauce.
[Laughter.]
No, no, i'm kidding.
It says applause.
Ray, do me a favor.
Could you flick that once? [Applause.]
All right.
Now, remember, you're All a big part of the show, So the better you are, The better larry is.
You see this gentleman? He's giving me the sign, And it says We're on in 10 seconds, So get ready to have A good time.
Here we go.
This is exciting, Isn't it? Crewman: in 5, 4, Live on tape from hollywood, the larry sanders show.
Tonight, join larry And his guests John cusack, justine bateman, Musical guest garth brooks, And me, "hey, now," Hank kingsley! And now because he needs you More than you need him, Larryyyyyy.
Sanders! [Applause, cheers.]
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
Thank you.
Well [Cheers and applause.]
There's always-- You are-- You are-- may i say-- May i say this May i say this With all sincerity You are an exceptionally Hot crowd For the middle Of the week.
[Cheers and applause.]
As we all know, And as i think we all Care deeply in our hearts, America's favorite couple, Tom and roseanne, Have split up, But to prove that his career Is not in trouble, Tom was recently seen Dating tim allen.
[Laughter.]
A recent study says that This is unbelievable.
Listen to this, hank-- A recent study says That 76% of college seniors Are sexually active, But only 50% Of college freshmen are.
So i have one message To all of you young People out there-- Stay in school.
[Laughter.]
You know, you see The athletes preach that.
You see the politician Preach that.
But only i, Larry sanders, can say, "Stay in school.
You may yet get laid.
" John cusack, justine bateman, Garth brooks-- No flipping.
We'll be right back.
We have a great show.
[Applause.]
Add to tonight's show A rudder and a sail, And it would have won America's cup.
What is wrong with you? I thought it was more Like the indy 500.
No, there was 3 points From outside! Swish! Nothing but net.
All right.
Shake it off.
Beverly, do me a favor.
Call jason alexander, And ask him if the-- Would you hold For a moment? Would you ask him If the laker tickets he has Are floor seats? And don't let him know That i'm asking about it.
Who's that? The guy from Tower records.
Oh, did he get The album? He said it would Help if you knew The name of the song Or the artist.
I just can't get it.
I heard it on the radio.
Well, sing it.
It's a woman[Humming.]
* Dum dum dum * * Nuum nuuum * You sing it to him.
If i think of it, I'll come back Hi.
Yes.
Yes, he is talented.
Carry the 6.
Carry the 1.
That's Told you.
Someone is stealing money From my atm account.
You got a doctor's Prescription Mixed up in here.
What is this? "Rectumin.
" That sounds familiar.
What's that for? For what it sounds like.
That is for Nasal congestion.
Look at this one.
Who would take $200 From a 7-eleven In san luis obispo? Beautiful country Up there.
Yeah.
Who has access To your atm account? My business manager.
And his assistant.
My agent.
Gardener and housekeeper.
SoTechnically, Your account Is a big slush fund For the entire Pacific rim.
Just how bad Is the nasal Congestion? It burns, you know, When i inhale.
Uh-oh.
Uh, larry? Here are your new ties For the friars roast.
Oh, This is a beauty.
Armani.
And, uh Jason alexander's Seats Are in the loge.
The loge? Yes.
In the loge.
In the loge? The loge.
Call him And tell him that-- That you're busy Tomorrow night But thank you Anyway.
Ok.
These are too pastel-ish.
Well, you're the one Who said peach.
No, i said, uh, Plum.
Tch.
No, you didn't Say plum.
I said plum.
I heard-- ok.
Well, maybe you Said plum, But you said peach.
Anyway, larry, Here's your mail And your ointment.
Tennis elbow.
This is my tennis Elbow ointment, Right? Yes.
Good.
[Sniff.]
I wasn't gonna ask.
Oh, yeah, Your father called.
What does he want This time? I don't know.
Well, would you Handle it for me? Larry, sooner or later You're gonna have to Talk to the man.
No, i don't.
I'm getting relief Already.
He's going out Tonight, right? Yeah.
Dinner with Carrie fisher.
Remind him to wipe The rectumin from His elbow.
Beverly on intercom: Larry, your father's On the phone again.
Larry.
Pick it up.
Don't go out that door, Larry.
Ok, we've done "Hank's a lot," So now let's make These "hey, now.
" [Knocking.]
Yeah? Hi.
Hey! UhJeez, i Wish you'd given us A little warning.
This, uhPlace Is a pigsty.
Come in, come in! Please, uh, sit No, not there.
Darlene spilled there.
Sorry! Is this ok over here? Absolutely! Make yourself at home.
Sorry.
Relax.
Just relax.
[Giggles.]
[Inhales.]
You realize this is Only the second time That you've paid us The honor of a visit.
That doesn't Seem possible.
Is that right? It is, isn't it? Yeah.
And i have the photo To prove it July 12, 1991.
I remember.
Thank you for coming.
Come on, come on.
These are nonfat.
Enjoy.
No, thank you.
Sure? Well, They'll be here.
Um Terrific, Isn't she? Oh, she's the best! I wouldn't know What to do if she left me.
I couldn't brush My, uhMy teeth Without herLiterally.
Ahem.
Do you, um.
.
Are you, um [Spitting.]
Do you have trouble Trusting anybody who Handles your finances? You're having Money problems, huh? No.
Just some of The numbers Don't add up right.
I don't need the details.
Gimme the figure.
Damn it.
You know I'd like to do this, But i'm having It's a little hard For me to swing right now.
I'll tell you why.
I'm having some plumbing Problems down in the, uh The look around cafe And, um Just kidding.
I don't need any money.
I know that.
I know that.
I'm doing well.
I know.
And listen, But if you ever did Name the figure.
Thanks.
That's nice Of you to say.
Beverly on intercom: Hank, is larry In there? His father's On the phone.
[Mouthing.]
No, he's not.
Look, hank, Don't lie to me.
I am not in the mood.
UmHe's here.
He's here.
Oh, mr.
Sanders? I've just tracked him down.
He'll be in his office In a second.
Ok.
Just hang on.
Beverly I hope you're not Badgering our larry.
He's a grown man, Sweetie.
If he doesn't want To talk to his daddy, He doesn't have to.
Do you think i enjoy Chasing him down, artie? I've done my share Of chasing him down, Sweetheart.
I find it invigorating The thrill of the hunt, Etcetera.
Well, when i came here, When i took this job, I came here Under the assumption That i was to do His schedule and return His phone calls, Not play family therapist And do his tie shopping And pick the tomatoes Out of his salad.
Darling, the job Is to keep our little Host happy-- Whatever that takes.
Well, sometimes i think It takes too much.
And do you think It would kill him If he could just say Thank you just once? i thank you From the bottom Of my heart For larry's ma'am.
I swear, if i Looked any fatter Oh, knock it off.
You look terrific.
No.
Yeah.
Lar? Why don't you want To talk to dad? 'Cause he's a pain In the ass.
No.
Now, you listen to me, Lar.
Larry? My fatherLeft us.
I never had the chance To say the things That i always wanted To say to him, And i don't want you To make the same Mistakes i've made.
ListenBelieve it Or not, neither do i.
[Exhales.]
Hello, dad? Hey.
ListenDid you get To see the show last night? Well, we had Jonathan winters on, And i know he's One of your favorites.
I thought You might have seen it.
Well, no, i know It's on late.
Yeah.
Well[Laughs.]
Yeah.
Have you seen any of them? Yeah.
Well, listen, uh, you-- Oh.
You want to come And visit.
When are you thinking Of visiting, dad? Tomorrow? Tomorrow.
Perfect.
No, i look Forward to that.
I'll send you a ticket.
Yeah.
First class.
Yes.
Yes.
And i'll have beverly Pick you up.
Yes.
I can do all of that.
What else? It's all yours.
Beverly? Yes.
Would you get the tape With the ocean sounds? My father's coming Tomorrow.
I'm gonna be lying Facedown.
Gimme some sand And some sea urchins.
Damn it.
I just kept Calling you Kramer out there.
I'm--i'm sorry.
No, that's all right.
It's an easy mistake.
It's just that I love the show So much, And i just keep getting You and your character Mixed up.
YeahHa ha ha.
Well, th-- that's Weird, 'Cause i--i play George on the show.
Michael richards Plays kramer.
Tch.
Well, you keep up The good work.
We'll see you soon.
Ok, i hope so.
Hey, jason, hey.
Good job.
Bad audience.
Really? Excellent as always.
My boy, when are they Going to give you Your own show? Beverly: artie, Telephone.
I'll be back For that answer.
UhListen, I'm sorry That hank kept Calling you kramer.
Oh, no, that's fine.
He apologized.
Yeah, it could have Been worse.
He could have been Calling you elaine.
That's what he called Tim allen last week.
Really? Oh, man.
Well, listen, You're welcome Any time back.
Great.
Thanks, Hey, larry, listen, What's the chance of you Making that laker game With us this week? Oh, well, gee-- Oh! I'm sor-- You're not free He can't make it.
Oh, really? I'm sorry.
'Cause the greatest Thing happened.
We had these Crappy loge seats, And ovitz calls me, And he's giving us Front row seats Right next To nicholson.
Di-did you say Wednesday? Really? No, no, It's thursday.
Oh.
You know what? You're free on thursday.
Good.
Oh.
I'm in.
Great! So come with us.
Steve guttenberg's Going, and we'll Do the game And hang out Afterwards.
Thursday.
Isn't that Oh, god.
Wait a minute.
I'm confused.
Wrong day here.
You're not clear.
Ah, shit.
I'm sorry.
Oh, well, Some other time.
Too bad.
Hey, i'll call ya.
We'll get together.
Great.
I hope so.
Good job.
Keep up the good work.
The show is great.
Oh, thanks.
We're a big hit.
Hey, listen, Jerry says You're doing great.
The monologues Are really getting Funny now.
Take it easy, Larry.
Is my father here yet? Yes, he is here.
We just got back From the airport.
Traffic was horrendous.
Would you walk with me? Where is he? 'Cause he's in Your office.
Come on.
Would you come here, please? My father's in my office.
Would you mind helping me? What do you want me to do, Take him to dinner, Get him hammered, Couple of hookers? No, no.
That would Be overkill.
Just be yourself.
Hey, jerry! How the hell are ya? It's always a delight To greet my second Favorite mr.
Sanders.
Hello, arthur.
Hello, larry.
How are ya? I been better.
But all in all, I can't complain.
Well, how'd you Like the show? I didn't get A chance to see it.
Oh.
It's just 20 yards That way, dad.
I was kinda worn out After the plane ride.
I had an aisle seat.
I guess beverly Didn't know I prefer the window.
Yeah, well, that'll Knock it out of you, dad.
So, what are you boys Gonna do for fun While you're out here? I, uhAhem Cleared some time.
I--i really didn't Come for fun.
I just had to get away From karen for a while.
We've been arguing again.
Yeah, i know, artie.
Post show critique.
What? Post show critique.
Gotcha.
Sure.
Right away.
We have to do The post show critique, dad.
I'll be back In a few minutes.
You want some coffee? You have iced tea? Yeah.
I think so.
I'll check.
You look terrific, jerry.
I won't keep your boy But a second.
Just one more minute.
Jeez, larry, You've been 45 minutes.
Your father gonna spend The night in there? I think the housekeeper's Been taking my money.
I guessed that yesterday.
Yeah? Nice tie, by the way.
Oh, thanks.
Just something i picked up.
Yeah.
It looks familiar.
Yes, i've had it for years.
Okay.
Ta-ta.
Hi.
Where's dad? Huh? He's in the office.
Ooh, fathers and sons.
Fathers and sons.
Things that look alike.
Things that Go camping together.
Close male relationship.
Oh, stop it.
You joke, But the father and son thing, That's the most difficult Dynamic there is.
You've gotta settle it With this gentleman Before he Dies.
[Exhales.]
Yes.
Believe me, You're gonna thank me For this when he's-- Dead.
Yes.
Phil, how do you get the flying Toasters off of this thing? Oh, like this.
Well, that's one way, I suppose.
When you got money From me the other day, You didn't give anybody My atm password, did you? No, but you gotta admit That l-a-r-r-y Is pretty easy to guess.
Yeah.
I changed that.
You changed it? Yeah.
What, to sanders? Hardy-har-har.
Larry? I don't mind Talking to your dad.
I don't even mind going out And getting his iced tea.
But i still have to update Your daily log and call The guy about your socks.
Okay, listen.
We have To change my atm password, Beverly.
Why? Phil guessed it.
And this is your son.
This is billy crystal.
I just think it's Very important for you To get a sense of what Your son is doing, Especially since He does it so very well.
I only wish my dad Could have seen my work.
But by the time i got My first big boat show He was, um Oh, this is the night That ross perot was on the-- You're his sidekick? Yes, sir.
Second banana.
[Laughing.]
You know, i like to think of Myself as second in command.
Here you go.
Like ed mcmahon.
Exactly like ed mcmahon.
That's a pretty sweet deal.
Take home a big paycheck Just for holding down A couch and selling crap.
Wow.
You know, for just A split second there, You reminded me Of the old man himself.
Henry joseph kingsley.
Is this diet coke? I asked for classic coke.
No, i actually think You asked for diet coke, sir.
I don't think so.
Let me get that for you.
Beverly, would you Do me a favor And hand me that Pair of underwear Over there? Also, would you Get me another dozen, Maybe half this color, Half black? Artie: you look Very sporty.
You think so? You like 'em? Terrific! Beverly, I thank you From the bottom Of my heart For handing larry His undies.
Larry thanks you, Too.
Don't you? Artie, please.
Hank: uh, beverly, Do me a favor And get larry's father The hell out of My office.
Larry: hank? Um Larry? Your father's A big pain in the ass.
Mr.
Kingsley Has just left The building.
You know what? It's all right.
I know hank is right.
I hate to agree With hank, but I guess it's so.
No matter What you do for my dad, I swear to god, There's never a thank you, Like that would kill him.
Come out outta there! Let's see that rig.
That's all you see In this outfit Is my rig, i think.
Do you have the apple, Please, because i'm Really crashing.
You said you wanted An orange.
Fine.
Anything.
Turn around, Will ya? Beverly, you spend A lot of time With my father.
What do you think? All i know is It's the most frustrating Thing in the world Trying to please someone Who doesn't appreciate Anything you do.
That is exactly right.
[Spits.]
We gotta get The seedless ones Next time If you're gonna Do this.
You're, uh, Welcome, larry.
Could we cut the sketch? I look like an asshole.
A funny, silver asshole.
Even better.
I know who stole Your money.
Do i have any extra Expenses this month That you know of? Uh, why do you ask? Because there's My atm account.
I know.
I took it.
You took it.
Yes, i took it.
If you wanted to know why, Why didn't you ask me, And i would have Told you.
It never would have Crossed my mind To ask you, 'Cause i wouldn't think You'd be stealing from My atm account.
I would never steal From you.
Well, then, what Do you call this? I would never steal From you, larry! Well, how do you Explain this? Because 3 months ago, You had me drive to encino Looking for a paint chip From your decorator.
I spent 3 hours In traffic, larry.
That's 3 hours For a paint chip, So i charged you.
It seems to me Your salary covers That kind of thing.
It was on a sunday, larry! Yeah? So i charged you.
And i charged you When you had me driving All over los angeles Looking for peach-colored Ties for you.
I charged you.
And i charge you for Picking up your frozen yogurt At 7 every morning so that You can have the first batch Out of the machine.
Every morning? That is not my job.
I'm tired.
I'm tired, larry.
I'm tired Of cleaning your Ointment applicators.
I am tired of begging Your father To come see the show So that you can feel good About yourself.
Did you ask my dad To come and see The show? What did he say? Forget it, ok? Forget it.
Well, wha-- wha-- Forget what? What--what is it? You want a raise? Is that it? Larry, this is not About money.
Well, if there's Some job you're not Comfortable doing, Just ask the weird Intern to do it.
This is not about The workload either.
Then what is it? Larry, this is About people Who take other people For granted, Who can't even say Thank you Or appreciate anything You try to do for them.
What did my father do This time? The post office wants To increase the cost Of first-class stamps From 29 cents To 32 cents.
This is-- [Audience boos.]
Well, it's due to the fact-- Due to the fact that Disgruntled postal workers Say they need the extra revenue Because of the rising Cost of ammunition.
[Laughter.]
We'll be right back.
No flipping.
[Cheering, applause.]
You've got a speck Next to your nose On your left side.
That's skin cancer.
Don't look now, But sanders the elder Is sitting in Our fair audience.
You're kidding.
Where? Woman with the tank top And espadrilles.
Oh, my god.
I can't believe He's actually here.
Yeah.
There's was definite Negative vibe out there.
That's why your monologue Went right in the dumper.
Shut up, hank.
That's not why the monologue Went into the dumper.
Do you know this is The first time He's ever come To see me perform? You're kidding.
No.
No.
He never thought I would make it.
Now He's just been bitter.
Well, if i spent 30 years Selling office equipment, I'd be bitter About damn near everything.
UmLarry, Here's your Butt cream, And beverly said That you might Want some yogurt For after the show? We're in the middle Of the show right now.
Raspberry, ok? I'm-- Any toppings? Would you please? Pecans.
What is that? This is for Poison oak.
Sss.
Ooh.
Crewman: back in 5, 4, [Applause and cheers.]
As you can tell [Applause.]
As you can tell, Tonight is the night We do the regular Feature of our Show "Food sent back To the kitchen By famous stars.
" That--that is correct, And chef kingsley And chefSanders Take you on a tour of Southern california's Finest kitchens.
Now, what is the first item On tonight's menu ChefSanders? And don't be thrown By the fact That i'm not wearing The hat.
I'm nevertheless A chef.
This was returned By sinead o'connor, Sent back, uh.
.
Pasta sent back Because there was A hair in it.
[Laughter.]
Sinead o'connor.
There was a hair in it.
You know, before We get on with this, May i take a second? My father Is visiting here, And i'd be remiss If i didn't Introduce you To my father.
He's been visiting For a couple of days.
Dad, stand up In the audience And say hello-- Let the people Say hello to you.
Stand up For a second.
Larry: there he is.
That is my dad.
And i wanna say, dad, It's been great Having you here visiting This week, and, uh Everything i got comedy-wise I owe to you.
You're a terrific man, And i love you very much.
You just reminded me Of my mother who is Watching tonight Well, that's all right.
I wanna say mom Hank, hank, Let's go on with the You know, i should take One more second While i've just Introduced my dad And just say to my Assistant beverly, Who i know is watching-- I hope is watching Is probably not watching-- But thank you, beverly, For everything you've done.
[Applause.]
I appreciate it, And thank you very much.
You know, There's a young lady Named darlene Well, "f" me! Would you hand me The next one please? I think we've peaked, And yet-- This is simply, Of course, a-- Let me just get this open.
This will just take a second.
This one-- You don't want to open-- The prop department-- Yes? No? This one I really want to get open, Because this is the one I've been saving, folks.
This is the-- You hope that when You do a bit like this That something comes out That is-- rarely do you Have the confidence To know this is Worth the trouble.
Why did the prop-- This, of course, Was sent back-- This is a plate licked Clean by roseanne.
[Laughter.]
There it is, A plate licked clean By roseanne.
For what you did For your father tonight, I salute you.
You're finally Turning into the man I always thought you were.
Thanks.
Where is he? 'Cause i wanna see If he liked the show.
He loved it.
But he left.
You're kidding.
He had to catch An early plane To pittsburgh.
He sends his love.
Left right after The marilu henner segment.
Well, that segment Dragged anyway, Didn't it? What you said About beverly-- Hey, that was sweet.
Yeah.
I don't do that Often enough.
Why is that? I wonder where The trait comes from? Yeah! Hey, artie, i was Looking for you.
Hey, jason.
Hey, lar.
Hey, buddy, We gotta go.
Going to The lakers game.
Oh, well have a good time.
Tell guttenberg i said hi.
Steve called, And he can't go.
He's sick.
So i asked julia roberts To come along.
Boing! Rah! See ya, kid.
Hey, paula Hang on.
Do you think beverly Would like flowers Every friday? Absolutely.
She'd love that.
Ok.
Can you do me A little favor? Here's some fro yo Fresh out of the machine.
Oh, thank you.
I wanted blueberry, And, uh, there's No pecans--but thanks.
Thanks.
I can't send her flowers, And i can't ask her to send Flowers to herself-- I'll do it.
So--would you mind? Yeah, i'll do it.
I just need to know How to pay for it.
You have a pen? I'll give you My atm password.
I have it.
Well, no, I just changed it.
It's leno now, Right? Beverly?
[Laughter.]
No, no, i'm kidding.
It says applause.
Ray, do me a favor.
Could you flick that once? [Applause.]
All right.
Now, remember, you're All a big part of the show, So the better you are, The better larry is.
You see this gentleman? He's giving me the sign, And it says We're on in 10 seconds, So get ready to have A good time.
Here we go.
This is exciting, Isn't it? Crewman: in 5, 4, Live on tape from hollywood, the larry sanders show.
Tonight, join larry And his guests John cusack, justine bateman, Musical guest garth brooks, And me, "hey, now," Hank kingsley! And now because he needs you More than you need him, Larryyyyyy.
Sanders! [Applause, cheers.]
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
Thank you.
Well [Cheers and applause.]
There's always-- You are-- You are-- may i say-- May i say this May i say this With all sincerity You are an exceptionally Hot crowd For the middle Of the week.
[Cheers and applause.]
As we all know, And as i think we all Care deeply in our hearts, America's favorite couple, Tom and roseanne, Have split up, But to prove that his career Is not in trouble, Tom was recently seen Dating tim allen.
[Laughter.]
A recent study says that This is unbelievable.
Listen to this, hank-- A recent study says That 76% of college seniors Are sexually active, But only 50% Of college freshmen are.
So i have one message To all of you young People out there-- Stay in school.
[Laughter.]
You know, you see The athletes preach that.
You see the politician Preach that.
But only i, Larry sanders, can say, "Stay in school.
You may yet get laid.
" John cusack, justine bateman, Garth brooks-- No flipping.
We'll be right back.
We have a great show.
[Applause.]
Add to tonight's show A rudder and a sail, And it would have won America's cup.
What is wrong with you? I thought it was more Like the indy 500.
No, there was 3 points From outside! Swish! Nothing but net.
All right.
Shake it off.
Beverly, do me a favor.
Call jason alexander, And ask him if the-- Would you hold For a moment? Would you ask him If the laker tickets he has Are floor seats? And don't let him know That i'm asking about it.
Who's that? The guy from Tower records.
Oh, did he get The album? He said it would Help if you knew The name of the song Or the artist.
I just can't get it.
I heard it on the radio.
Well, sing it.
It's a woman[Humming.]
* Dum dum dum * * Nuum nuuum * You sing it to him.
If i think of it, I'll come back Hi.
Yes.
Yes, he is talented.
Carry the 6.
Carry the 1.
That's Told you.
Someone is stealing money From my atm account.
You got a doctor's Prescription Mixed up in here.
What is this? "Rectumin.
" That sounds familiar.
What's that for? For what it sounds like.
That is for Nasal congestion.
Look at this one.
Who would take $200 From a 7-eleven In san luis obispo? Beautiful country Up there.
Yeah.
Who has access To your atm account? My business manager.
And his assistant.
My agent.
Gardener and housekeeper.
SoTechnically, Your account Is a big slush fund For the entire Pacific rim.
Just how bad Is the nasal Congestion? It burns, you know, When i inhale.
Uh-oh.
Uh, larry? Here are your new ties For the friars roast.
Oh, This is a beauty.
Armani.
And, uh Jason alexander's Seats Are in the loge.
The loge? Yes.
In the loge.
In the loge? The loge.
Call him And tell him that-- That you're busy Tomorrow night But thank you Anyway.
Ok.
These are too pastel-ish.
Well, you're the one Who said peach.
No, i said, uh, Plum.
Tch.
No, you didn't Say plum.
I said plum.
I heard-- ok.
Well, maybe you Said plum, But you said peach.
Anyway, larry, Here's your mail And your ointment.
Tennis elbow.
This is my tennis Elbow ointment, Right? Yes.
Good.
[Sniff.]
I wasn't gonna ask.
Oh, yeah, Your father called.
What does he want This time? I don't know.
Well, would you Handle it for me? Larry, sooner or later You're gonna have to Talk to the man.
No, i don't.
I'm getting relief Already.
He's going out Tonight, right? Yeah.
Dinner with Carrie fisher.
Remind him to wipe The rectumin from His elbow.
Beverly on intercom: Larry, your father's On the phone again.
Larry.
Pick it up.
Don't go out that door, Larry.
Ok, we've done "Hank's a lot," So now let's make These "hey, now.
" [Knocking.]
Yeah? Hi.
Hey! UhJeez, i Wish you'd given us A little warning.
This, uhPlace Is a pigsty.
Come in, come in! Please, uh, sit No, not there.
Darlene spilled there.
Sorry! Is this ok over here? Absolutely! Make yourself at home.
Sorry.
Relax.
Just relax.
[Giggles.]
[Inhales.]
You realize this is Only the second time That you've paid us The honor of a visit.
That doesn't Seem possible.
Is that right? It is, isn't it? Yeah.
And i have the photo To prove it July 12, 1991.
I remember.
Thank you for coming.
Come on, come on.
These are nonfat.
Enjoy.
No, thank you.
Sure? Well, They'll be here.
Um Terrific, Isn't she? Oh, she's the best! I wouldn't know What to do if she left me.
I couldn't brush My, uhMy teeth Without herLiterally.
Ahem.
Do you, um.
.
Are you, um [Spitting.]
Do you have trouble Trusting anybody who Handles your finances? You're having Money problems, huh? No.
Just some of The numbers Don't add up right.
I don't need the details.
Gimme the figure.
Damn it.
You know I'd like to do this, But i'm having It's a little hard For me to swing right now.
I'll tell you why.
I'm having some plumbing Problems down in the, uh The look around cafe And, um Just kidding.
I don't need any money.
I know that.
I know that.
I'm doing well.
I know.
And listen, But if you ever did Name the figure.
Thanks.
That's nice Of you to say.
Beverly on intercom: Hank, is larry In there? His father's On the phone.
[Mouthing.]
No, he's not.
Look, hank, Don't lie to me.
I am not in the mood.
UmHe's here.
He's here.
Oh, mr.
Sanders? I've just tracked him down.
He'll be in his office In a second.
Ok.
Just hang on.
Beverly I hope you're not Badgering our larry.
He's a grown man, Sweetie.
If he doesn't want To talk to his daddy, He doesn't have to.
Do you think i enjoy Chasing him down, artie? I've done my share Of chasing him down, Sweetheart.
I find it invigorating The thrill of the hunt, Etcetera.
Well, when i came here, When i took this job, I came here Under the assumption That i was to do His schedule and return His phone calls, Not play family therapist And do his tie shopping And pick the tomatoes Out of his salad.
Darling, the job Is to keep our little Host happy-- Whatever that takes.
Well, sometimes i think It takes too much.
And do you think It would kill him If he could just say Thank you just once? i thank you From the bottom Of my heart For larry's ma'am.
I swear, if i Looked any fatter Oh, knock it off.
You look terrific.
No.
Yeah.
Lar? Why don't you want To talk to dad? 'Cause he's a pain In the ass.
No.
Now, you listen to me, Lar.
Larry? My fatherLeft us.
I never had the chance To say the things That i always wanted To say to him, And i don't want you To make the same Mistakes i've made.
ListenBelieve it Or not, neither do i.
[Exhales.]
Hello, dad? Hey.
ListenDid you get To see the show last night? Well, we had Jonathan winters on, And i know he's One of your favorites.
I thought You might have seen it.
Well, no, i know It's on late.
Yeah.
Well[Laughs.]
Yeah.
Have you seen any of them? Yeah.
Well, listen, uh, you-- Oh.
You want to come And visit.
When are you thinking Of visiting, dad? Tomorrow? Tomorrow.
Perfect.
No, i look Forward to that.
I'll send you a ticket.
Yeah.
First class.
Yes.
Yes.
And i'll have beverly Pick you up.
Yes.
I can do all of that.
What else? It's all yours.
Beverly? Yes.
Would you get the tape With the ocean sounds? My father's coming Tomorrow.
I'm gonna be lying Facedown.
Gimme some sand And some sea urchins.
Damn it.
I just kept Calling you Kramer out there.
I'm--i'm sorry.
No, that's all right.
It's an easy mistake.
It's just that I love the show So much, And i just keep getting You and your character Mixed up.
YeahHa ha ha.
Well, th-- that's Weird, 'Cause i--i play George on the show.
Michael richards Plays kramer.
Tch.
Well, you keep up The good work.
We'll see you soon.
Ok, i hope so.
Hey, jason, hey.
Good job.
Bad audience.
Really? Excellent as always.
My boy, when are they Going to give you Your own show? Beverly: artie, Telephone.
I'll be back For that answer.
UhListen, I'm sorry That hank kept Calling you kramer.
Oh, no, that's fine.
He apologized.
Yeah, it could have Been worse.
He could have been Calling you elaine.
That's what he called Tim allen last week.
Really? Oh, man.
Well, listen, You're welcome Any time back.
Great.
Thanks, Hey, larry, listen, What's the chance of you Making that laker game With us this week? Oh, well, gee-- Oh! I'm sor-- You're not free He can't make it.
Oh, really? I'm sorry.
'Cause the greatest Thing happened.
We had these Crappy loge seats, And ovitz calls me, And he's giving us Front row seats Right next To nicholson.
Di-did you say Wednesday? Really? No, no, It's thursday.
Oh.
You know what? You're free on thursday.
Good.
Oh.
I'm in.
Great! So come with us.
Steve guttenberg's Going, and we'll Do the game And hang out Afterwards.
Thursday.
Isn't that Oh, god.
Wait a minute.
I'm confused.
Wrong day here.
You're not clear.
Ah, shit.
I'm sorry.
Oh, well, Some other time.
Too bad.
Hey, i'll call ya.
We'll get together.
Great.
I hope so.
Good job.
Keep up the good work.
The show is great.
Oh, thanks.
We're a big hit.
Hey, listen, Jerry says You're doing great.
The monologues Are really getting Funny now.
Take it easy, Larry.
Is my father here yet? Yes, he is here.
We just got back From the airport.
Traffic was horrendous.
Would you walk with me? Where is he? 'Cause he's in Your office.
Come on.
Would you come here, please? My father's in my office.
Would you mind helping me? What do you want me to do, Take him to dinner, Get him hammered, Couple of hookers? No, no.
That would Be overkill.
Just be yourself.
Hey, jerry! How the hell are ya? It's always a delight To greet my second Favorite mr.
Sanders.
Hello, arthur.
Hello, larry.
How are ya? I been better.
But all in all, I can't complain.
Well, how'd you Like the show? I didn't get A chance to see it.
Oh.
It's just 20 yards That way, dad.
I was kinda worn out After the plane ride.
I had an aisle seat.
I guess beverly Didn't know I prefer the window.
Yeah, well, that'll Knock it out of you, dad.
So, what are you boys Gonna do for fun While you're out here? I, uhAhem Cleared some time.
I--i really didn't Come for fun.
I just had to get away From karen for a while.
We've been arguing again.
Yeah, i know, artie.
Post show critique.
What? Post show critique.
Gotcha.
Sure.
Right away.
We have to do The post show critique, dad.
I'll be back In a few minutes.
You want some coffee? You have iced tea? Yeah.
I think so.
I'll check.
You look terrific, jerry.
I won't keep your boy But a second.
Just one more minute.
Jeez, larry, You've been 45 minutes.
Your father gonna spend The night in there? I think the housekeeper's Been taking my money.
I guessed that yesterday.
Yeah? Nice tie, by the way.
Oh, thanks.
Just something i picked up.
Yeah.
It looks familiar.
Yes, i've had it for years.
Okay.
Ta-ta.
Hi.
Where's dad? Huh? He's in the office.
Ooh, fathers and sons.
Fathers and sons.
Things that look alike.
Things that Go camping together.
Close male relationship.
Oh, stop it.
You joke, But the father and son thing, That's the most difficult Dynamic there is.
You've gotta settle it With this gentleman Before he Dies.
[Exhales.]
Yes.
Believe me, You're gonna thank me For this when he's-- Dead.
Yes.
Phil, how do you get the flying Toasters off of this thing? Oh, like this.
Well, that's one way, I suppose.
When you got money From me the other day, You didn't give anybody My atm password, did you? No, but you gotta admit That l-a-r-r-y Is pretty easy to guess.
Yeah.
I changed that.
You changed it? Yeah.
What, to sanders? Hardy-har-har.
Larry? I don't mind Talking to your dad.
I don't even mind going out And getting his iced tea.
But i still have to update Your daily log and call The guy about your socks.
Okay, listen.
We have To change my atm password, Beverly.
Why? Phil guessed it.
And this is your son.
This is billy crystal.
I just think it's Very important for you To get a sense of what Your son is doing, Especially since He does it so very well.
I only wish my dad Could have seen my work.
But by the time i got My first big boat show He was, um Oh, this is the night That ross perot was on the-- You're his sidekick? Yes, sir.
Second banana.
[Laughing.]
You know, i like to think of Myself as second in command.
Here you go.
Like ed mcmahon.
Exactly like ed mcmahon.
That's a pretty sweet deal.
Take home a big paycheck Just for holding down A couch and selling crap.
Wow.
You know, for just A split second there, You reminded me Of the old man himself.
Henry joseph kingsley.
Is this diet coke? I asked for classic coke.
No, i actually think You asked for diet coke, sir.
I don't think so.
Let me get that for you.
Beverly, would you Do me a favor And hand me that Pair of underwear Over there? Also, would you Get me another dozen, Maybe half this color, Half black? Artie: you look Very sporty.
You think so? You like 'em? Terrific! Beverly, I thank you From the bottom Of my heart For handing larry His undies.
Larry thanks you, Too.
Don't you? Artie, please.
Hank: uh, beverly, Do me a favor And get larry's father The hell out of My office.
Larry: hank? Um Larry? Your father's A big pain in the ass.
Mr.
Kingsley Has just left The building.
You know what? It's all right.
I know hank is right.
I hate to agree With hank, but I guess it's so.
No matter What you do for my dad, I swear to god, There's never a thank you, Like that would kill him.
Come out outta there! Let's see that rig.
That's all you see In this outfit Is my rig, i think.
Do you have the apple, Please, because i'm Really crashing.
You said you wanted An orange.
Fine.
Anything.
Turn around, Will ya? Beverly, you spend A lot of time With my father.
What do you think? All i know is It's the most frustrating Thing in the world Trying to please someone Who doesn't appreciate Anything you do.
That is exactly right.
[Spits.]
We gotta get The seedless ones Next time If you're gonna Do this.
You're, uh, Welcome, larry.
Could we cut the sketch? I look like an asshole.
A funny, silver asshole.
Even better.
I know who stole Your money.
Do i have any extra Expenses this month That you know of? Uh, why do you ask? Because there's My atm account.
I know.
I took it.
You took it.
Yes, i took it.
If you wanted to know why, Why didn't you ask me, And i would have Told you.
It never would have Crossed my mind To ask you, 'Cause i wouldn't think You'd be stealing from My atm account.
I would never steal From you.
Well, then, what Do you call this? I would never steal From you, larry! Well, how do you Explain this? Because 3 months ago, You had me drive to encino Looking for a paint chip From your decorator.
I spent 3 hours In traffic, larry.
That's 3 hours For a paint chip, So i charged you.
It seems to me Your salary covers That kind of thing.
It was on a sunday, larry! Yeah? So i charged you.
And i charged you When you had me driving All over los angeles Looking for peach-colored Ties for you.
I charged you.
And i charge you for Picking up your frozen yogurt At 7 every morning so that You can have the first batch Out of the machine.
Every morning? That is not my job.
I'm tired.
I'm tired, larry.
I'm tired Of cleaning your Ointment applicators.
I am tired of begging Your father To come see the show So that you can feel good About yourself.
Did you ask my dad To come and see The show? What did he say? Forget it, ok? Forget it.
Well, wha-- wha-- Forget what? What--what is it? You want a raise? Is that it? Larry, this is not About money.
Well, if there's Some job you're not Comfortable doing, Just ask the weird Intern to do it.
This is not about The workload either.
Then what is it? Larry, this is About people Who take other people For granted, Who can't even say Thank you Or appreciate anything You try to do for them.
What did my father do This time? The post office wants To increase the cost Of first-class stamps From 29 cents To 32 cents.
This is-- [Audience boos.]
Well, it's due to the fact-- Due to the fact that Disgruntled postal workers Say they need the extra revenue Because of the rising Cost of ammunition.
[Laughter.]
We'll be right back.
No flipping.
[Cheering, applause.]
You've got a speck Next to your nose On your left side.
That's skin cancer.
Don't look now, But sanders the elder Is sitting in Our fair audience.
You're kidding.
Where? Woman with the tank top And espadrilles.
Oh, my god.
I can't believe He's actually here.
Yeah.
There's was definite Negative vibe out there.
That's why your monologue Went right in the dumper.
Shut up, hank.
That's not why the monologue Went into the dumper.
Do you know this is The first time He's ever come To see me perform? You're kidding.
No.
No.
He never thought I would make it.
Now He's just been bitter.
Well, if i spent 30 years Selling office equipment, I'd be bitter About damn near everything.
UmLarry, Here's your Butt cream, And beverly said That you might Want some yogurt For after the show? We're in the middle Of the show right now.
Raspberry, ok? I'm-- Any toppings? Would you please? Pecans.
What is that? This is for Poison oak.
Sss.
Ooh.
Crewman: back in 5, 4, [Applause and cheers.]
As you can tell [Applause.]
As you can tell, Tonight is the night We do the regular Feature of our Show "Food sent back To the kitchen By famous stars.
" That--that is correct, And chef kingsley And chefSanders Take you on a tour of Southern california's Finest kitchens.
Now, what is the first item On tonight's menu ChefSanders? And don't be thrown By the fact That i'm not wearing The hat.
I'm nevertheless A chef.
This was returned By sinead o'connor, Sent back, uh.
.
Pasta sent back Because there was A hair in it.
[Laughter.]
Sinead o'connor.
There was a hair in it.
You know, before We get on with this, May i take a second? My father Is visiting here, And i'd be remiss If i didn't Introduce you To my father.
He's been visiting For a couple of days.
Dad, stand up In the audience And say hello-- Let the people Say hello to you.
Stand up For a second.
Larry: there he is.
That is my dad.
And i wanna say, dad, It's been great Having you here visiting This week, and, uh Everything i got comedy-wise I owe to you.
You're a terrific man, And i love you very much.
You just reminded me Of my mother who is Watching tonight Well, that's all right.
I wanna say mom Hank, hank, Let's go on with the You know, i should take One more second While i've just Introduced my dad And just say to my Assistant beverly, Who i know is watching-- I hope is watching Is probably not watching-- But thank you, beverly, For everything you've done.
[Applause.]
I appreciate it, And thank you very much.
You know, There's a young lady Named darlene Well, "f" me! Would you hand me The next one please? I think we've peaked, And yet-- This is simply, Of course, a-- Let me just get this open.
This will just take a second.
This one-- You don't want to open-- The prop department-- Yes? No? This one I really want to get open, Because this is the one I've been saving, folks.
This is the-- You hope that when You do a bit like this That something comes out That is-- rarely do you Have the confidence To know this is Worth the trouble.
Why did the prop-- This, of course, Was sent back-- This is a plate licked Clean by roseanne.
[Laughter.]
There it is, A plate licked clean By roseanne.
For what you did For your father tonight, I salute you.
You're finally Turning into the man I always thought you were.
Thanks.
Where is he? 'Cause i wanna see If he liked the show.
He loved it.
But he left.
You're kidding.
He had to catch An early plane To pittsburgh.
He sends his love.
Left right after The marilu henner segment.
Well, that segment Dragged anyway, Didn't it? What you said About beverly-- Hey, that was sweet.
Yeah.
I don't do that Often enough.
Why is that? I wonder where The trait comes from? Yeah! Hey, artie, i was Looking for you.
Hey, jason.
Hey, lar.
Hey, buddy, We gotta go.
Going to The lakers game.
Oh, well have a good time.
Tell guttenberg i said hi.
Steve called, And he can't go.
He's sick.
So i asked julia roberts To come along.
Boing! Rah! See ya, kid.
Hey, paula Hang on.
Do you think beverly Would like flowers Every friday? Absolutely.
She'd love that.
Ok.
Can you do me A little favor? Here's some fro yo Fresh out of the machine.
Oh, thank you.
I wanted blueberry, And, uh, there's No pecans--but thanks.
Thanks.
I can't send her flowers, And i can't ask her to send Flowers to herself-- I'll do it.
So--would you mind? Yeah, i'll do it.
I just need to know How to pay for it.
You have a pen? I'll give you My atm password.
I have it.
Well, no, I just changed it.
It's leno now, Right? Beverly?