The Larry Sanders Show (1992) s03e04 Episode Script

The Gift Episode

Jason alexander? Uh, only if we can't get Michael richards Or jerry seinfeld.
So jason alexander.
That's excellent.
And he'll be on with-- Jackson browne And marilu henner.
Mary lou retton? Marilu henner.
Oh, thank god.
The last thing we need is larry On those uneven bars again.
Now, who's on for tonight? Danny devito, Jimmy walker, The potato lady, And the breeders.
Uh, rock band.
Oh, my gosh! Good one, artie.
Oh, i liked Their first album, But the second one Was a disappointment.
So, uh, larry, What have we got now? We've got danny devito, Jimmy walker, The potato lady, And the breeders.
How does that sound, larry? Great.
That looks great.
They got the stain-- Come a little closer.
They got the stain Completely out.
I can't believe it.
Well, we'll use them As our regular Dry cleaner from now on.
Tell darlene I said, "hi.
" What'd you think Of the lineup tonight? No, i'm listening.
Like it? Yeah.
Once again, paula.
Danny devito, Jimmy walker, The breeders, And the potato lady.
Are we ordering lunch? No, hank.
We're not.
Oh, because i heard Someone mention potatoes, And i--i can have those On my new diet.
Hey, that's Good to know, buddy.
Right now we're In a meeting about booking.
Why-- why is larry In here? Well, larry likes To be involved In deciding Who the guests will be.
Are we ordering lunch? Hold on.
Hold on, beverly.
We're ordering lunch, I think.
Is there a menu? We're not ordering.
Well, What's hank doing here? Hank, I'll keep you advised, ok? Please do, because I only have the one shake In the morning.
Larry: what's he doing In here if we're not Ordering lunch? Message for paula.
All right.
We're not Ordering lunch.
Give me the rest.
Now that i have Your undivided attention, Larry: call the pharmacy-- Larry, please.
Ok, i'll come out In a minute.
Thank you.
Well, you see, Something's come up That's very urgent.
The structural engineers Were in this morning To examine The earthquake damage, And they found 2 huge cracks In the roof.
So the studio has given us First option of moving To another safer stage.
Danny devito canceled.
Whatever we do, We should move quickly on this, Because the engineers Have assured me That the next big aftershock Will cause us serious trouble.
Oh, my god.
Why did devito cancel? His agent said He wouldn't be Feeling well tonight.
Yeah, i've had that.
They're offering us Stage 2, stage 9-- You know, paula, If i'm not mistaken, This is the third time This month That a guest has canceled With some flimsy excuse.
Are you getting Firm commitments or what? Yes.
Are you, paula? I can't be held responsible For certain Personality types.
Well, what does That mean, exactly? It means that there are Certain performers With certain neuroses And mental shortcomings That make it Completely impossible For me to deal with them On a normal level.
What does she mean by that? I haven't a clue.
What do you mean? Well, perhaps the fact That we pay them scale And send 'em home With a piece of shit T-shirt and hat-- Steady.
All right.
This shouldn't sound Like i'm criticizing you.
It should not.
I, in fact, Appreciate the effort That you put Into your job each day.
Well, certainly You must have some idea.
No? Well, thank you.
You're doing a great job.
What's wrong? If i don't get danny devito Booked back for tonight, Larry's going to fire me, And i'm fucked.
Oh, i'm sure You're not f'ed.
Just say it.
Just say fucked.
No, i'm not gonna-- I'm not gonna say it.
Say it.
What did larry say to you That's got you so scared? Okay, what he said was: "I really appreciate The effort you put Into your job each day.
" Ooh, girl, you are fucked.
I don't think she's right.
I don't think she's got The right personality.
I think she's too-- Abrasive? No, it's, uh-- Brusque? No.
Incapable of putting A performer at ease Because she's has A basic contempt For the business.
But it's imperative That i speak with Mr.
Devito in person.
I see.
May i call him at home? Ok, then.
Thank you.
And screw you, you glorified Paula, again, No personal calls At work.
Now, listen, This hat that we, Uh, give the guests, Is it adjustable? Is it one-size-fits-all? It's a piece of crap.
But it's in the shape Of a hat? No, really, larry, It's kind of embarrassing, Because even the arsenio people Gave out bathrobes With his big ol' Triangle-shaped head On the back.
Was that an embroidered-- Actual embroidered patch? Or is it an iron-on patch Or what? Do you know? I--i don't know.
But, really, I've been meaning To talk to you about this, Because of all the talk shows, Our gifts bite the biggest bag.
Ok, so there's a bag, too? Mm-hmm.
Larry, you must make The decision immediately.
Did you know That arsenio gave robes? What does letterman give? Oh, don't answer that, phil.
Damn it, If this stage caves in, You won't need bathrobes.
You'll need bodybags.
Well, evidently, We already give a bag.
Join me In the kitchenette Please? Fine.
I just, uh, Want to say again, What a great job You're doing and How much i appreciate it.
I got danny devito back.
You did? I did.
Larry! Excuse me.
[Telephone rings] Yeah.
How did you get Devito back? I didn't.
Well, don't you think that's Kind of like a problem? Not if i kill myself Before 5:30.
We give the worst gift In the business.
You know that? This whole thing With the guests Falling out Is starting To make sense to me.
Do you even see me Standing here? Or is there just my suit Floating in space? What is that Supposed to mean? Because you're not Listening to me.
You don't even see me.
I'm talking About priorities, man.
Now, will you just promise me That you will think About which stage We should move to? Don't worry about My priorities.
My priorities are In perfect order, Artie.
This is the exact robe Arsenio gave? Uh-huh.
Well, you know, It's very thick.
I don't like Feeling this heavy When i come Out of the shower.
Well, you know, Those are made To be seen, Not to be worn.
They're made To hang in your closet So when someone Looks in there they say, "Oh, you've been On arsenio.
" Right.
Which is what you want.
That's actually-- yeah.
And you could put My face on the back? Sure.
Let me see your profile.
Oh, you got enough On your mind.
Well-- Oh! That would make A great robe, A beautiful robe.
In a thirsty terrycloth? Forget about it.
Oh, yeah.
I don't know.
What does leno give, Do you know? Milk chocolate necktie.
He does.
Well, those are probably Meant to be eaten, not worn.
Danny devito on phone: Paula, i can't do The show tonight.
That's why i canceled.
I'm very busy.
I thought you said You weren't feeling well.
There's that, too.
How did you Get this number? What are you doing? Get out.
I'm on the phone.
Danny: hello? Is that suzanne pleshette? Phil, get out! Danny: I'm hanging up now.
No, no, no, no.
I'm here.
Um, you're doing a movie? What's it called? Danny: It's called junior.
That sounds really interesting.
Why don't you tell me A little bit about it? That isn't gonna Work with me.
Listen, this isn't A personal rejection Of any kind, But, please Don't call me anymore.
You understand? Yes.
[Dial tone] So we're back, basically, To the paperweight-digital clock Combination, Which you could Put my face on? You seem set on having Your face on something.
Well, i just think That's what the guests Would like.
I think it would be More meaningful to them.
Well, It's more personal.
Let me Show you something.
Whoopi goldberg mug.
That is nice.
This is nice.
I like this.
Although, you know, I'd feel a little awkward Knowing that strangers Were putting their lips On my head.
war of the roses Is one of larry's Favorite films.
Did i mention that? Danny on speakerphone: This is getting very sad.
Do you have any shame at all? Listen, you can come in And do the show.
It'll take you Tops.
I have another scene to film.
I have to shoot a spot For the juvenile Diabetes people, And i'm really Not feeling well.
I'm hanging up now.
Devito! What?! You made A commitment to us.
Does that mean anything To you? Good-bye.
Devito! [Dial tone] Paula, i need The interview notes On the potato lady.
The potato lady-- I will have those typed up For you in 30 minutes.
Oh, don't give me That half-an-hour, bull.
I need them in 10 minutes.
Larry's gonna look at 'em While he eats his melon.
Well, i like this.
Better than the robe.
Still don't quite see it.
Well, Try jogging a little.
It's a jogging suit.
So, this, actually, This is meant to be worn.
Excuse me, larry-- Oh, are you working out With your trainer, Because hank Would like to see you.
Oh, well, send him in.
Ok, larry? Hank and i were just wondering If we were gonna move To a different stage, Because these aftershocks Really-- [Clearing throat] Whoa! Is that one?! No, that was hank Clearing his throat.
I believe he's right Outside the door here.
Thank god, Because i have The same bad feeling i did Just before The big earthquake.
[Clears throat] I'm like a dog that way.
I just have A very bad feeling.
Uh, Am i interrupting? Huh? Did you-- Did you want to see me? I'm looking at new gifts For the guests, here.
Oh, i got you.
Is that one of The contenders? Yes, it is.
Well, i--i think mirrors Make very beautiful gifts, Tell me something.
Is larry thinking About firing me? No.
What makes you Think that? Because twice today, He said that i was doing A really good job.
OhI didn't know He said it twice.
You got danny devito On board tonight, Don't you? You bet.
Well, you got nothing To worry about, sweetie.
You're digging a mighty Deep hole over there.
Then i can jump in After i shoot myself In the head.
Wait a minute.
Paula, hold on.
Paula, hold on! Girl, are you out Of your mind? You must be crazy! Shh! I need a really Big favor from you.
What? Hi.
I need the number For the los angeles Juvenile diabetes Foundation Or association Or whatever it is.
I gotta go out And do some errands.
I need you to prepare The potato lady Interview questions.
I have no idea How to do that.
That has never Stopped me before.
Just think of Whatever you would Ask a potato lady.
And that's all There is to it? And put question marks At the end so larry knows That they're questions.
Oh, girl.
Jimmy, what are you Doing here? The show starts In a half hour.
I ordered the larry sanders Jogging suits.
I think the guests Are gonna love 'em.
And the guy says he Can have them all Delivered by tonight.
That's great.
You know, i know you Love this old building.
It's been lucky for us, But right now we're taking Our lives in our hands By standing Under a cracked roof.
He's putting my photo On the inner thigh.
Oh, god damn it.
Maybe you're right.
Maybe it should be The outer thigh.
Uh, have you even looked At the interview questions For the potato lady yet? No, i haven't.
I've been really busy.
Larry just won't Listen to me anymore.
Oh, arthur, That's not true.
Larry thinks of you As a close friend And a trusted advisor.
Oh, cut the crap.
Don't talk to me The way i would be Talking to me.
I'm sorry.
Is he on something? No, just the same 2 things, Except i think he took Them together today.
Well, he had The pepperoni pizza For lunch, That should Soak it up.
Where's paula? I don't know.
She's around here somewhere.
Why? What's wrong? These potato lady Questions are terrible.
Wha-- Well, what would you Ask the potato lady? That's paula's job.
I don't want to talk to The fucking potato lady.
Man: and action.
I'm danny devito.
You know, juvenile diabetes Affects over 120 children In this country-- Uh, oh.
All right.
I'm sorry.
In this country-- All right.
Let's do it again.
Let's just do it again.
I know.
120,000 children In the country.
I got it.
No, sir.
I'm paula from the larry sanders show.
Oh, for god's sake.
Um, i think it's Just tremendous What you're doing here For juvenile diabetes.
And i don't know If you know this, But larry has Low-blood sugar.
It's not the same.
Is it? It's not the same.
What-- what are you crazy Coming in here? I'm sorry, But as it happens, We tape just 2 Soundstages over, And it would be So wonderful If you could-- One second-- If you could just Hop right over And do our show.
It would be Just fabulous.
I said no.
How many times Do i have to say no? Do you know what no is? Are you telling me That you can't walk Your own movie? It'll be great exposure, And it'll prevent larry From firing me.
Please? [Sighs] jesus.
Oh, that's great.
Bill clinton.
Very topical.
Yeah, for a couple More years.
Listen, uh, larry, I think i got something, uh, Live in the fifth At santa anita tomorrow.
You want a piece? No.
No-- Come on now.
It's too coincidental.
Look at this.
The name of the horse-- Larry's valentine.
Jockey-- hank espinoza.
The trainer's name is bill.
Bill, just like the guy Who writes for us.
No, it's bill.
See-- Phil is the name Of the guy who Writes for us.
Listen, You want to get in On this or don't you? Just say so.
I don't want To get in on this.
That's it.
Take the clinton Joke out.
Paula? Paula, please? What is the deal With, uh, danny devito? Oh, you know him.
He's always late.
He is not always late.
He's usually Here a couple hours Ahead of time Just to tell me How much he hates Doing talk shows And how Uncomfortable he is.
He'll be here.
Well, i hope so.
What is the plan If he's not here? Jimmie walker's Prepared to stretch.
Crime is terrible.
I don't have To tell you guys.
You know What's going on.
And criminals now Are just getting away With everything.
I don't know if you guys Saw this in new york city.
Guy robs a lady In the subway.
The cops come to try To stop this guy.
The criminal Refuses to stop.
They shoot the guy In the back.
Paralyze the criminal.
The criminal sues The transit system For $4.
5 million And he won the case.
Now he's suing nike, 'Cause he says if he Had had better sneakers, He'd been able To run faster, And they never would Have caught him.
It'samazing What is going on.
So Now-- I-- let me-- let me-- Let me get this Out right now.
All right.
I'm over here, Doing the thing-- shopping.
Is danny devito Really on his way? I have no idea.
They kicked me Off the set.
Deeper, deeper, deeper.
I could call David copperfield And ask him To do the show.
He owes me one.
I'll bet he does.
[Laughs] these things Are unbelievable.
Listen, we're going To take a break.
Take a break.
And when we come back, You're going To stay with us.
I'm not going anywhere.
Ok, we'll be right back With, uh, jimmie walker.
And the potato lady Coming up.
Where is he? He's in make-up.
One more segment With the potato lady, And then danny-- I'm not doing A dumb segment With the potato lady.
What is it? Thomas jefferson.
[Audience laughing] Woman: this is a very Exciting development.
Well, now let Me ask you this.
Have you ever Eaten a raw potato? You don't-- Well, you know, I have such a personal Relationship with them that-- What were you Thinking about With these Potato questions? I got to go.
What were you Thinking of? You know, artie, I did eat A raw potato once, And the taste Was quite unusual.
I thought it was A good question.
I never had the bad feeling Worse than i do right now.
I would have To say, uh I--i got to tell You the truth.
I'm torn but, uh-- Madison Is who it looks Like to me.
I would take another Guess if i were you.
I see.
Well, show it to-- Let hank take A look.
Um You know, People call me From all over The country.
Do they? Yes.
And i--i travel, And i pick up Potatoes In various states.
Why don't You hold that up To the camera? Hank, does that Look like any Of the, uh-- Can you get A close-up of this? It'sRather smart.
Hank: i think, um, I think it's lincoln.
Did hank get it? Yes, hank got it.
[Audience applauds] We'll come right back With, uh, danny devito.
Stay tuned.
Danny devito after This commercial break.
[Audience cheers] Where's danny? You were so great With the potato lady.
Where is he? Here he is! Great! Hi.
Where do You want me? Uh, could you get Me some water? Sure.
Coming up.
Water? Thanks.
Good to see you.
Thanks for Coming on.
All right.
Any problem? I mean, you're A little late.
What-- is there Something i can do? Late? [Laughs] i just decided What do you mean late? What do you mean Decided to do the show? Well, your booker, She said that you Were going to fire her If-- if i didn't, Uh, show up.
I don't want that On my conscious.
She's troubled.
Here you go.
We're back In 20 seconds.
Would you walk With me a second? Yeah.
All right.
Did you tell danny devito That i was going to fire you If he didn't do the show? I didn't use Those exact words.
Well, do you realize What inappropriate Behavior that is? Do you realize how badly That reflects on me? Am i'm fired now? I'll take to you After the show, ok? So welcome back.
We're back.
And, uh We've, uh, had A terrific show so far.
I want to thank Jimmie walker And the potato lady, Who were terrific.
And my next guest Is a terrific friend Of mine.
He's currently filming A new movie called junior, Which will be out, uh, In time for the holidays.
And he's a very funny man.
I'm one of his biggest fans.
Danny-- [Rumbling] Ok, we just Had a little, uh Was that An aftershock? I believe it was.
Ok, well-- ahem.
No big deal.
We live in Southern california, We dress In southern California, And we do a show in Southern california.
Hank, sit down.
Let's not Overreact-- Ok! That would be Another one? Why don't we, Uh, take a break, And, uh, let hank Collect himself? And we'll Be right back.
Stage manager: we're clear.
Now i look like One of those pussies Who got under the desk.
There's nothing To worry about.
Welcome to shakeytown.
Enjoy the music.
Art, art.
This is ridiculous.
We gotta move To another stage.
Oh, really? Yeah.
I could've Gotten killed out there.
Did you see that? We've gotta Get out of this building.
And we will, We will.
All in good time.
Now, i want you To do me a favor.
I want you To breathe.
[Breathes deeply] Come on, I want you to-- Good.
Now, when you're Doing that, I--i want you To tell me, Do you have any Good or bad feelings About, oh, Any of these names-- Daddy's girl-- Breathe-- Lucky lindy, Hot to trot-- Any feelings At all? Jim dandy-- Hot to trot.
Ok, i knew it.
Stage 2, stage 9, Or stage 12? To stage 2.
Or 9.
2 or 9.
I don't know.
I can't make a decision, But we gotta get out of here.
This is-- Hey, hey, hey, guys.
Look, i'm out of here.
I'm gonna go.
I appreciate you Inviting me down To do the show, But i'm going.
Wait a minute.
What do you mean? We haven't even Done your segment yet.
You're next.
Oh, yeah.
Well, look, If i'm gonna die, I want to die with my family, Not with jimmie walker And the weirdo With the doughnuts.
Potatoes? The potato lady? Whatever.
Yeah, yeah.
Well, If you stay, We've got A beautiful gift For you.
No, no, look.
All right, look, I already got A larry sanders t-shirt.
But this is A larry sanders Jogging suit.
I got plenty Of jogging suits.
Not like this.
This is A multi-colored-- The jogging suit Is just a wrapping, sir, Inside, you'll find A lovely silver desk clock From tiffany.
Silverplate? Solid silver, mr.
Swiss movement.
All right, I'll see you out there.
It's a lovely clock.
I ordered 6 dozen.
Good job.
All right, listen, They can put my face On those, right? Oh, hell, yes.
We could put your cock on it.
As long as it's Not the hour hand.
Eddie, go up To my office.
Bring down that Clock on my desk, Will you? The silver one.
You know, the one That larry Gave me for Christmas last year.
[Applause] I want to say That i think the segment With danny devito Went really, really well, And i think that you were Extremely hilarious With the potato lady.
Yeah, well, i think We all know that.
The issue is, is that You told danny devito That i would fire you if He didn't do the show.
Yes, i did, But in my defense, larry, I gotta say that About 3 times a week To get guests to do this show.
You do? You wouldn't believe That lengths i have to go to.
The other week, when tom hanks Tried to back out, I had to cry And feign illness.
I mean, Muffin mania gifts.
It's endless.
I don't need to know The process, paula.
Just don't Lie to me anymore About the guests.
That's all i ask.
Good? Yes.
Arthur: well, It's settled.
Let's move on.
Uh, who do you have on tap For tomorrow night? Bob uecker, shari lewis, And the seashell man.
And sting.
Oh, have we Got sting? You betcha.