The Larry Sanders Show (1992) s03e05 Episode Script
People's Choice
I'm going to produce The people's choice awards This year.
Really? Yes.
It'll be on Our next hiatus week.
Are you ok with that? Fine.
Congratulations.
Well, you know, It's quick work.
The money's good.
It's a chance for me To get back in the Awards-show game again.
Yeah.
But if there's any problem, You just call, And i'll join you On your hiatus in maui.
Oahu.
What happened? Oahu.
That's Where i'm going.
Of course.
You'll Have lots of fun.
Yes, i will.
What do you do there? Huh? I'll tell you What i do there.
I--i pay a cabana boy To wheel me down to The beach every day On a stretcher Like a coma patient.
Ha ha.
Is that included In the package? Who's, uh, hosting? Paul reiser.
Excellent choice.
Well, did my name even come up For the people's-choice thing? It just seems like that's The kind of thing they'd Ask me to do, that's all.
Mmm, tastes Like chicken.
Ok, hank, we got it.
I think we do, but I just wanna do one More, just for fun.
Come on, let's Wrap this up.
There is a finite Amount of videotape In the world.
Right.
I'm gonna throw in That line i told you about.
Right.
Ok.
This is The last take.
No, i don't wanna do it.
It just seems they would Want me to.
Mmm, tastes a little Like coconut.
Nope, nope, nope.
What is that? The coconut Line's completely wrong.
It's supposed to be chicken.
Where did that come from? Hank came up with that.
He's very proud of it.
It is not right.
It is not right.
Some shave creams Are coconut-scented, So it's not funny.
[Bang.]
And we have 22 takes With him saying chicken, One of which we'll use.
I just wanted To let him do it that way So his feelings Wouldn't be hurt.
Well, is he all right? [Bang.]
Oy.
I'll go talk to him.
You go talk-- The coconut thing is out.
Of course.
You go talk to him.
Ok.
Should i go talk To him, artie? I wouldn't Talk to him at all.
Then you go talk to him.
Will you go talk to him? Yeah.
Good.
Is sally kirkland available? How could she Not be available? She's in town.
Sally kirkland's not right For our show, artie.
This is for The people's choice.
Oh, i don't think she's Right for that, either.
How would you know? She's a darling girl.
I gave her Her first orgasm.
Oh, well, Then she's perfect.
Send her roses, Long-stem and a limo.
She'll do it.
Hey, i got elvis costello For tomorrow night.
Oh, great.
Elvis costello.
I'm a big fan.
That's great.
Maybe he'll do pump it up.
That's my favorite song.
I think he'd rather do something Off the new album.
Oh.
Well, just ask him.
I will, but i'd rather not.
He's kind of temperamental.
Maybe i should ask him.
You could, but i'd Rather you didn't.
'Cause remember What happened last time You talked to michael bolton? Oh, come on.
So i thought i'd heard That song somewhere before.
I had to bring it up.
Hey.
What's this? I heard we got elvis.
I wanna get this autographed.
No, no.
No, he's too temperamental.
Is that the tape? Yeah.
I put it together.
Good.
Speaking of Temperamental, how's hank? I have no idea.
Should i go? Hmm? You're Welcome to stay.
Next time that This happens With a thing like that Coconut line, Would you warn me that That's his line? I tried.
I feel horrible about this.
Mmm, tastes a little Like chicken.
Right, right.
And just So we say we saw it, Here's hank's version.
Mmm, tastes a little Like coconut.
No, no, no, no.
You know, you let him Go like that.
I know.
Shh.
Keep it down Because he could Be lurking out there.
He does that? People's choice awards Will return Right after this.
Hank, we've already got The announcer for the show.
Oh, no.
Who? It's the same announcer Who always does it.
Al "harelip" hartman? No, no.
This guy, He has no verve, No personality.
He's a robot.
Exactly.
And he drinks.
So do i.
That's why I like him.
Come on.
Excuse me.
You didn't talk to him about The commercial parody, did you? No, but i'll tell you why.
He has a hair up his ass Because i won't hire him As the announcer For the people's choice.
He's got that coconut line Up his ass.
How many things can he have Up his ass at once? We have a great show.
We'll be right back.
We have kelsey grammer, We have, uh We have john goodman, And, of course, We have a visit From uncle helen.
No flipping.
We'll be right back.
Stage manager: We're clear.
You folks came on A very rare night Where you get to see me Fuck up 3 jokes in a row.
Don't take it for granted.
You're such a good crowd.
Give yourselves a hand.
You're still a great crowd.
Thanks for coming.
Thanks for coming.
I won't fuck up The rest of the night.
[Theme plays.]
What a shit crowd.
What a shit, shit crowd.
What are they doing, Bringing these busloads in From the english-as- A-second-language program? I'm only smiling Because the audience Is looking at me, And i'm a professional.
Nice talking to you.
It's a great crowd Tonight, huh? Yeah, i know, shit crowd.
Would you get phil for me? Ok.
Shit crowd.
Artie, you gotta Talk to hank for me, ok? What is that? What is that? Paul reiser just Dropped out as host For the people's Choice awards.
Thank god.
I thought It was something That might have to do with The show we're taping now.
I'm sorry, sir.
That should Never have happened.
That's ok.
Hey.
Hey, i put in the shorter Chicken deodorant take.
Oh, well, listen, I changed my mind, And i wanna put in hank's Coconut line in that.
But this airs in 20 minutes.
Aw, the thrill of Live-to-tape television.
andalé, felipe.
vamanos.
You can handle it.
Who you thinking Of replacing reiser with? Uh, larry, The network has asked me To pull in a favor.
And so, i don't Wanna do this, But, uh, larry, Will you be the host On the people's Choice awards As a favor to me? It's just those endless Rehearsals, and i hate Doing that stuff.
It's a no-win situation.
The audience is there Not to see you.
They're all nervous About who's gonna win.
Yeah.
And there's those Big dance numbers That i don't wanna do.
Ok, i just had to ask.
Well, i appreciate it.
All right, well, hold on.
Call me back.
Can you promise me I won't have to do one Of those dance numbers? You'll only have to strip At the end of the show.
How about it? That's the favor to you, Isn't it? Hey, buddy, God bless you.
All right.
All right.
Listen, we got You wanna go over The presenter's list? No.
Let's back To this show.
Ok.
Mmm, tastes a little Like coconut.
[Smattering of laughs.]
Man: larry sanders' toiletries For the hungry man.
Thank you.
Man: this is my new Milk chocolate deodorant I'm losing you.
I'm losing you.
I've lost you.
Girlfriend? Car phone.
Did you tell artie You'd do the people's Choice awards? News et around fast, Doesn't it? Larry, this is a partnership.
You don't say yes.
We say yes.
Come on, stevie.
I thought it might be fun.
Besides, i'm doing Artie a favor.
You mean cohost.
Huh? You're cohosting with Rita moreno and dean cain.
No.
Artie did not Mention that to me.
Who's dean cain? Superman.
You're cohosting With fucking superman.
You're kidding.
Arthur's fucking you, larry.
You know? You're cohosting.
I'm this close To getting you The oscars next year.
You already have a show Of your own, And you choose To cohost? Look, i thought i was Doing artie a little favor.
Well, you shouldn't think, You know, Because you pay me to think.
This is a terrible Business decision.
Cohosting detracts from Your essential specialness In the marketplace.
All right.
Who are you, kathie lee All of a sudden? You understand? Yes, i got it, stevie.
Ok, then repeat after me-- Cohosting detracts from-- Come on, come on-- Cohost-- look at me.
Come on.
Both: cohosting Detracts from My essential specialness In the marketplace.
Ok, is that all? Is that all It detracts from? Is that all i have To repeat? Darlene? Yeah.
What's superman's name? Clark kent.
No, no, no.
The actor.
Christopher reeve.
The-- the new one.
Dean cain? Right.
Now, Where does he work? At the daily planet newspaper In metropolis.
Hey, hey.
I know, i know.
I'm just teasing.
They're on the Warner brothers' lot.
Fine.
Could you get him For me, please? Sure.
[Beeps.]
Dean cain? Hank kingsley.
Listen, i just wanted To call you, Congratulate you on The people's-choice gig.
It's another Pleat in your cape.
AndHere it is.
Bottom line.
Al "harelip" hartman-- You don't want this guy.
You can't understand this guy.
You don't wanna Be introduced as [Imitates hartman's impediment.]
Superman.
Do you? Whereas i, your biggest fan, Will be able to announce you As superman.
Or dean cain.
Sure.
Whatever you--hello? Why didn't you tell me That i was cohosting? You're not.
You're the host.
No, no, no.
Then what are Rita and superman, Just backups in case I get a paper cut Opening one Of those envelopes? That's very funny.
Larry, you're the host.
Rita and the man of steel Are the cohosts.
Uh-huh.
That makes no sense.
Of course it does.
Sweetheart, It's the network.
But don't worry About it.
I'm going to make sure That your head Is at least 50% larger Than theirs On the cover of tv guide.
That is not the point.
That is not the point.
No? You wanted to see me? About what? I don't know.
Oh, yeah.
Will you take out Hank's coconut line From the pretape Before it airs tonight? What? This show's Gonna go on satellite In 15 minutes.
We don't have time to recut.
If you can write A monologue for this man In 15 minutes, You can make this change.
Right.
What? Nothing.
Well, just take out The audio, then, ok? 'Cause i don't wanna hear The word "coconut.
" I wanna hear The word "chicken.
" 'Cause it's funny, right? You trust Your instincts, kiddo.
Always trust larry's Instincts.
Always.
One person is a host.
My agent is tearing himself A new asshole.
The network Wants the cohosts.
They think this Is a good mix, larry.
Superman to bring in The younguns.
Rita to bring in the urbanites And the hairdressers, And you to bring in The rest-- Just plain folks Who like to laugh.
When you say Hairdressers-- I mean actual hairdressers.
Our research department Is giving us incredibly Specific stuff these days.
I'm sorry about the confusion, Larry, but you know the network.
Yeah, they are a bunch Of dickheads, aren't they? Oh, melanie.
Hi.
Melanie! You know, artie and i Were just saying What a nice bunch of network Heads we have working here.
Ha ha ha! Ta-ta.
I liked the show Tonight, larry.
Oh, did you see The commercial parody? I loved that.
But hank saying "coconut," That was a little confusing.
Aren't there shaving creams That are coconut-scented? Right.
I couldn't agree with you More on this one.
It frightens me, Quite frankly.
He was supposed To say "chicken.
" Chicken? Yeah.
Well, that doesn't seem That funny, either.
No, chicken is funny In the context of a smell That goes on your face.
Trust me.
By the way, i'm glad to see You're coming aboard The people's choice special.
Yeah, yeah, me, too.
I figure in lieu Of being nominated.
Well, i'll tell you This much-- If i were producing it, I have one host--you.
I think it'll be Much cleaner that way.
Well, i understand The idea that you have to have Superman there to get the kids And rita moreno To balance it out.
Well, that's what Arthur thinks, And we disagree with him.
But, as producer, He has final say.
Artie had final say? Yeah.
Have a good one.
You, too.
You happened to say it was The network's idea, As i recall.
I do that all the time.
Don't make a big deal out of it.
So what you're saying Is that you knew all along It was the cohosting thing.
You wanted to do this job, Didn't you? Oh, no, i never Said that.
Your agent did.
He called me up.
You asked for it.
You said it was a favor.
I never told him to call.
Never told him To call you.
Sweetheart, an hour after I told you i was doing this, Stevie called me up, And he was crying to me, "Why haven't you given Larry this job? Why don't you ask him to host?" Wee wee wee wee wee.
I didn't tell him to Call you, and that doesn't Mean i wanted to do it, ok? I'm surprised you've Had the time to take The call, anyway.
I've got plenty of time To cover it all.
Oh, yeah, you could produce Fuckin' a.
You should call The conan o'brien people, See if they need a producer For the farewell special.
Good idea.
So gimme a call, And i'll let you Host that one, too.
Oh, good, good, good.
No wonder you been married So many times.
What do you want now? You know what? I'm not Doing your little people's Choice awards show, ok? I'm out! [Television plays.]
Mmm, tastes a little Like chicken.
That-- that is right.
Did you, or did you not, Have anything to do With that hatchet job On that commercial parody? And i want-- come on.
The truth, phil.
I did not initiate The change, But i was implicated In the course of events That led to the-- Please, please, please.
Save your ivy-league double-talk For your chums Down at the parliamentary Debating society.
Larry told me to do it.
And you just automatically Do whatever the hell larry Tells you to do? Yes, don't you? Yes.
Now get the hell Out of my office.
Hey, hey, hey, hey.
What's in the bag? What? What's in the bag? Nothing.
Ok, it's Elvis costello.
spike.
When do you think you can Get him to sign it? We can't.
What have I been saying About bugging him? I know, i heard you, but that's For everybody else, right? What do you think, Before or after the show? Why is everybody acting Like a bunch of 4-year-olds At a fucking barney show? What crawled up your butt And died? Jeez Excuse me, uh Can somebody, uh Can-- uh, hello? Elvis, hi.
I'm paula.
How are you? Is everything ok? Can we do anything for you? Everything's fine, I think.
You know, larry is so excited To have you on the show.
He's a big fan.
Oh, speak Of the devil, here he is.
Larry, this is elvis.
Elvis, i heard you Coming down the hall.
Hi.
I'm a big fan.
Listen, you know The song allison-- I was just wondering About this.
Is that-- is that-- Excuse me.
Let's talk about that On the air.
Artie, you know Elvis costello.
Oh, yes, dear boy.
What An honor to have you aboard.
You know, i've always wanted To ask you about your song allison.
Is that about A specific person or a pet? Artie, i need To talk to you.
Hank, this is elvis.
I don't think so.
We're back.
I'm very excited About my next guest.
This is his latest album-- brutal youth.
I'm a huge fan.
Please give a warm welcome To elvis costello And the attractions.
* When nobody knows, She puts on secret clothes * * And lies in the meadow with Her hands tied behind her back * * I won't refuse, If you know how to use it * * Just stop playing That ugly drug music * * 13 steps lead down * * 13 steps lead down * * There's commoners and kings * * And everyone's a prisoner Of paper and glue * * And a decent pair Of scissors * You know, i've been Trying to land That people's choice Announcing gig.
I didn't wanna Come to you with it Because, you know, god knows, You have so much on your mind.
You know, you wear All these hats, Including the editing, Which you seem to be more And more involved with Every day.
Heh heh heh.
That's because i care.
* 13 steps lead down * * 13 steps lead down * * She stands and fails On fashion fingernails * * Her lovers having her Walking 'round * * On instruments Of torture * * And one of them Is poisonous * * The other is a thief, They say * I've spoken To rita moreno And superman.
And they don't seem To want to help.
Fuckers.
So i'm asking you Flat-out.
Please, hire me.
I wanna be The announcer.
I am so fat.
* Just stop playing That bad mood music * * And 13 steps lead down * * 13 steps lead down * Wasting your time, Hank.
Larry's quit The people's choice, So he can't help your ass.
Oh.
Well, In that case * Because i just Can't stand * Bad decision To edit that tape.
* Lead down * * 13 steps lead * Coconut is funnier Than chicken.
Coconut.
Followed by a nut.
Hey, the show is in Progress, gentlemen.
Hank, please return To your chair.
Wanna reconsider Your hasty decision? Or are you gonna let me Be stuck with the suggestion That the network gave me? Mr.
Hal linden.
Hal linden is good.
Hal linden is funny.
And he'll do one Of those dance numbers.
Ok.
I'll just Hang there with hal And twist slowly In the wind.
If i was you, I'd go get hank.
Yeah.
[Cheering and applause.]
Give me an idea Why elvis is so mad.
I don't have any idea.
I just know He's very, very angry.
Artie.
Mr.
Costello? You see? You said The other project wouldn't Interfere with your work here, And this--the whole thing's Falling apart.
Oh, don't be Such a pussy.
Elvis! De-clan! Declan! Who's declan? That's His real name.
Oh, you know, i didn't Need to know that.
Why don't you read The fucking notes? Why don't you shove 'em Up your ass? Oh, is there A problem, sir? I don't know why I did this show.
Come on, we're Big fans here.
Oh, yeah, you're big fans.
And while i'm up there Doing my number, You're yap, yap, yap.
We were listening Most intently.
We're huge fans! Don't gimme any more Of that big fan shite.
Letterman, letterman-- That's big fans.
I thought he didn't Do letterman.
I thought we were the first To have him on.
When did you do letterman? What was letterman like? Well, at least he was funny.
And the people there.
They want autographs.
They want photographs.
They come in with a question About the songs.
Here, no one will Even look at me.
What can we do To make it up to you? Whatever you want.
I've taken care of it Meself.
Bye-bye.
By the way, larry, I'm a big fan.
What the-- Look at this.
This reminds me of the time Angela lansbury was on.
Good morning.
Oh, hey.
Uh, i just came in to tell you I made a mistake.
I should have never taken that People's-choice project.
I was just coming into Your office to tell you I overreacted, so No, i thought about this All night.
I was wrong to ask you To cohost.
You should always Be the host.
You should rest on your hiatus So you can focus on this show The way i should be doing.
So i told 'em-- just take Your tap shoes And shove 'em up Your collective ass.
You quit? No.
They fired me.
Rule number one-- never quit.
Always make them fire you.
That way, you get your money.
So i'm gonna be On that plane to hawaii Saturday morning, buddy.
I'm gonna teach you How to windsurf.
You know, i felt so Bad about our little Argument last night That i woke up and, uh I signed the contract to cohost The people's choice awards As a favor to you.
Oh, shit.
What are we-- is this Where i do the intro from? Man: okay, people, settle! Is this where i do-- People, quiet for rehearsal.
Is this where i do The intro from? "And now i'd like You all to say hello to My good friend and cohost Miss rita moreno.
" And then i move-- She's gonna come-- Ok, and rita Settles in.
It's really very easy.
Just take my hand.
We're gonna Do some step kicks.
And then, when I put up my leg, You grab it, ok? Let's go.
Here we go.
And kick, Step, step, step.
Kick, step, step, step.
Kick, step, step, step.
Now catch my leg.
Catch my--there you go.
I just pulled something.
I just--right here.
I just need a little break.
Is there--ahem-- Excuse me.
Rita: i don't think He dances.
Now, larry, i think This can work.
You just have to commit.
I'm not dancing.
I'll tell you, you get artie, Then i'll dance.
I don't even know Where arthur is.
He's in hawaii.
He's on The island of oahu in honolulu.
Larry, i know this is Unfamiliar territory.
You feel a little Out of place here.
Just a tad.
We've made an adjustment That's gonna make you Feel more at home, ok? Can we hear that Opening announce, please? Hank: and now the people's Choice awards Salute in song and in dance Mmm, tastes a little Like coconut.
Really? Yes.
It'll be on Our next hiatus week.
Are you ok with that? Fine.
Congratulations.
Well, you know, It's quick work.
The money's good.
It's a chance for me To get back in the Awards-show game again.
Yeah.
But if there's any problem, You just call, And i'll join you On your hiatus in maui.
Oahu.
What happened? Oahu.
That's Where i'm going.
Of course.
You'll Have lots of fun.
Yes, i will.
What do you do there? Huh? I'll tell you What i do there.
I--i pay a cabana boy To wheel me down to The beach every day On a stretcher Like a coma patient.
Ha ha.
Is that included In the package? Who's, uh, hosting? Paul reiser.
Excellent choice.
Well, did my name even come up For the people's-choice thing? It just seems like that's The kind of thing they'd Ask me to do, that's all.
Mmm, tastes Like chicken.
Ok, hank, we got it.
I think we do, but I just wanna do one More, just for fun.
Come on, let's Wrap this up.
There is a finite Amount of videotape In the world.
Right.
I'm gonna throw in That line i told you about.
Right.
Ok.
This is The last take.
No, i don't wanna do it.
It just seems they would Want me to.
Mmm, tastes a little Like coconut.
Nope, nope, nope.
What is that? The coconut Line's completely wrong.
It's supposed to be chicken.
Where did that come from? Hank came up with that.
He's very proud of it.
It is not right.
It is not right.
Some shave creams Are coconut-scented, So it's not funny.
[Bang.]
And we have 22 takes With him saying chicken, One of which we'll use.
I just wanted To let him do it that way So his feelings Wouldn't be hurt.
Well, is he all right? [Bang.]
Oy.
I'll go talk to him.
You go talk-- The coconut thing is out.
Of course.
You go talk to him.
Ok.
Should i go talk To him, artie? I wouldn't Talk to him at all.
Then you go talk to him.
Will you go talk to him? Yeah.
Good.
Is sally kirkland available? How could she Not be available? She's in town.
Sally kirkland's not right For our show, artie.
This is for The people's choice.
Oh, i don't think she's Right for that, either.
How would you know? She's a darling girl.
I gave her Her first orgasm.
Oh, well, Then she's perfect.
Send her roses, Long-stem and a limo.
She'll do it.
Hey, i got elvis costello For tomorrow night.
Oh, great.
Elvis costello.
I'm a big fan.
That's great.
Maybe he'll do pump it up.
That's my favorite song.
I think he'd rather do something Off the new album.
Oh.
Well, just ask him.
I will, but i'd rather not.
He's kind of temperamental.
Maybe i should ask him.
You could, but i'd Rather you didn't.
'Cause remember What happened last time You talked to michael bolton? Oh, come on.
So i thought i'd heard That song somewhere before.
I had to bring it up.
Hey.
What's this? I heard we got elvis.
I wanna get this autographed.
No, no.
No, he's too temperamental.
Is that the tape? Yeah.
I put it together.
Good.
Speaking of Temperamental, how's hank? I have no idea.
Should i go? Hmm? You're Welcome to stay.
Next time that This happens With a thing like that Coconut line, Would you warn me that That's his line? I tried.
I feel horrible about this.
Mmm, tastes a little Like chicken.
Right, right.
And just So we say we saw it, Here's hank's version.
Mmm, tastes a little Like coconut.
No, no, no, no.
You know, you let him Go like that.
I know.
Shh.
Keep it down Because he could Be lurking out there.
He does that? People's choice awards Will return Right after this.
Hank, we've already got The announcer for the show.
Oh, no.
Who? It's the same announcer Who always does it.
Al "harelip" hartman? No, no.
This guy, He has no verve, No personality.
He's a robot.
Exactly.
And he drinks.
So do i.
That's why I like him.
Come on.
Excuse me.
You didn't talk to him about The commercial parody, did you? No, but i'll tell you why.
He has a hair up his ass Because i won't hire him As the announcer For the people's choice.
He's got that coconut line Up his ass.
How many things can he have Up his ass at once? We have a great show.
We'll be right back.
We have kelsey grammer, We have, uh We have john goodman, And, of course, We have a visit From uncle helen.
No flipping.
We'll be right back.
Stage manager: We're clear.
You folks came on A very rare night Where you get to see me Fuck up 3 jokes in a row.
Don't take it for granted.
You're such a good crowd.
Give yourselves a hand.
You're still a great crowd.
Thanks for coming.
Thanks for coming.
I won't fuck up The rest of the night.
[Theme plays.]
What a shit crowd.
What a shit, shit crowd.
What are they doing, Bringing these busloads in From the english-as- A-second-language program? I'm only smiling Because the audience Is looking at me, And i'm a professional.
Nice talking to you.
It's a great crowd Tonight, huh? Yeah, i know, shit crowd.
Would you get phil for me? Ok.
Shit crowd.
Artie, you gotta Talk to hank for me, ok? What is that? What is that? Paul reiser just Dropped out as host For the people's Choice awards.
Thank god.
I thought It was something That might have to do with The show we're taping now.
I'm sorry, sir.
That should Never have happened.
That's ok.
Hey.
Hey, i put in the shorter Chicken deodorant take.
Oh, well, listen, I changed my mind, And i wanna put in hank's Coconut line in that.
But this airs in 20 minutes.
Aw, the thrill of Live-to-tape television.
andalé, felipe.
vamanos.
You can handle it.
Who you thinking Of replacing reiser with? Uh, larry, The network has asked me To pull in a favor.
And so, i don't Wanna do this, But, uh, larry, Will you be the host On the people's Choice awards As a favor to me? It's just those endless Rehearsals, and i hate Doing that stuff.
It's a no-win situation.
The audience is there Not to see you.
They're all nervous About who's gonna win.
Yeah.
And there's those Big dance numbers That i don't wanna do.
Ok, i just had to ask.
Well, i appreciate it.
All right, well, hold on.
Call me back.
Can you promise me I won't have to do one Of those dance numbers? You'll only have to strip At the end of the show.
How about it? That's the favor to you, Isn't it? Hey, buddy, God bless you.
All right.
All right.
Listen, we got You wanna go over The presenter's list? No.
Let's back To this show.
Ok.
Mmm, tastes a little Like coconut.
[Smattering of laughs.]
Man: larry sanders' toiletries For the hungry man.
Thank you.
Man: this is my new Milk chocolate deodorant I'm losing you.
I'm losing you.
I've lost you.
Girlfriend? Car phone.
Did you tell artie You'd do the people's Choice awards? News et around fast, Doesn't it? Larry, this is a partnership.
You don't say yes.
We say yes.
Come on, stevie.
I thought it might be fun.
Besides, i'm doing Artie a favor.
You mean cohost.
Huh? You're cohosting with Rita moreno and dean cain.
No.
Artie did not Mention that to me.
Who's dean cain? Superman.
You're cohosting With fucking superman.
You're kidding.
Arthur's fucking you, larry.
You know? You're cohosting.
I'm this close To getting you The oscars next year.
You already have a show Of your own, And you choose To cohost? Look, i thought i was Doing artie a little favor.
Well, you shouldn't think, You know, Because you pay me to think.
This is a terrible Business decision.
Cohosting detracts from Your essential specialness In the marketplace.
All right.
Who are you, kathie lee All of a sudden? You understand? Yes, i got it, stevie.
Ok, then repeat after me-- Cohosting detracts from-- Come on, come on-- Cohost-- look at me.
Come on.
Both: cohosting Detracts from My essential specialness In the marketplace.
Ok, is that all? Is that all It detracts from? Is that all i have To repeat? Darlene? Yeah.
What's superman's name? Clark kent.
No, no, no.
The actor.
Christopher reeve.
The-- the new one.
Dean cain? Right.
Now, Where does he work? At the daily planet newspaper In metropolis.
Hey, hey.
I know, i know.
I'm just teasing.
They're on the Warner brothers' lot.
Fine.
Could you get him For me, please? Sure.
[Beeps.]
Dean cain? Hank kingsley.
Listen, i just wanted To call you, Congratulate you on The people's-choice gig.
It's another Pleat in your cape.
AndHere it is.
Bottom line.
Al "harelip" hartman-- You don't want this guy.
You can't understand this guy.
You don't wanna Be introduced as [Imitates hartman's impediment.]
Superman.
Do you? Whereas i, your biggest fan, Will be able to announce you As superman.
Or dean cain.
Sure.
Whatever you--hello? Why didn't you tell me That i was cohosting? You're not.
You're the host.
No, no, no.
Then what are Rita and superman, Just backups in case I get a paper cut Opening one Of those envelopes? That's very funny.
Larry, you're the host.
Rita and the man of steel Are the cohosts.
Uh-huh.
That makes no sense.
Of course it does.
Sweetheart, It's the network.
But don't worry About it.
I'm going to make sure That your head Is at least 50% larger Than theirs On the cover of tv guide.
That is not the point.
That is not the point.
No? You wanted to see me? About what? I don't know.
Oh, yeah.
Will you take out Hank's coconut line From the pretape Before it airs tonight? What? This show's Gonna go on satellite In 15 minutes.
We don't have time to recut.
If you can write A monologue for this man In 15 minutes, You can make this change.
Right.
What? Nothing.
Well, just take out The audio, then, ok? 'Cause i don't wanna hear The word "coconut.
" I wanna hear The word "chicken.
" 'Cause it's funny, right? You trust Your instincts, kiddo.
Always trust larry's Instincts.
Always.
One person is a host.
My agent is tearing himself A new asshole.
The network Wants the cohosts.
They think this Is a good mix, larry.
Superman to bring in The younguns.
Rita to bring in the urbanites And the hairdressers, And you to bring in The rest-- Just plain folks Who like to laugh.
When you say Hairdressers-- I mean actual hairdressers.
Our research department Is giving us incredibly Specific stuff these days.
I'm sorry about the confusion, Larry, but you know the network.
Yeah, they are a bunch Of dickheads, aren't they? Oh, melanie.
Hi.
Melanie! You know, artie and i Were just saying What a nice bunch of network Heads we have working here.
Ha ha ha! Ta-ta.
I liked the show Tonight, larry.
Oh, did you see The commercial parody? I loved that.
But hank saying "coconut," That was a little confusing.
Aren't there shaving creams That are coconut-scented? Right.
I couldn't agree with you More on this one.
It frightens me, Quite frankly.
He was supposed To say "chicken.
" Chicken? Yeah.
Well, that doesn't seem That funny, either.
No, chicken is funny In the context of a smell That goes on your face.
Trust me.
By the way, i'm glad to see You're coming aboard The people's choice special.
Yeah, yeah, me, too.
I figure in lieu Of being nominated.
Well, i'll tell you This much-- If i were producing it, I have one host--you.
I think it'll be Much cleaner that way.
Well, i understand The idea that you have to have Superman there to get the kids And rita moreno To balance it out.
Well, that's what Arthur thinks, And we disagree with him.
But, as producer, He has final say.
Artie had final say? Yeah.
Have a good one.
You, too.
You happened to say it was The network's idea, As i recall.
I do that all the time.
Don't make a big deal out of it.
So what you're saying Is that you knew all along It was the cohosting thing.
You wanted to do this job, Didn't you? Oh, no, i never Said that.
Your agent did.
He called me up.
You asked for it.
You said it was a favor.
I never told him to call.
Never told him To call you.
Sweetheart, an hour after I told you i was doing this, Stevie called me up, And he was crying to me, "Why haven't you given Larry this job? Why don't you ask him to host?" Wee wee wee wee wee.
I didn't tell him to Call you, and that doesn't Mean i wanted to do it, ok? I'm surprised you've Had the time to take The call, anyway.
I've got plenty of time To cover it all.
Oh, yeah, you could produce Fuckin' a.
You should call The conan o'brien people, See if they need a producer For the farewell special.
Good idea.
So gimme a call, And i'll let you Host that one, too.
Oh, good, good, good.
No wonder you been married So many times.
What do you want now? You know what? I'm not Doing your little people's Choice awards show, ok? I'm out! [Television plays.]
Mmm, tastes a little Like chicken.
That-- that is right.
Did you, or did you not, Have anything to do With that hatchet job On that commercial parody? And i want-- come on.
The truth, phil.
I did not initiate The change, But i was implicated In the course of events That led to the-- Please, please, please.
Save your ivy-league double-talk For your chums Down at the parliamentary Debating society.
Larry told me to do it.
And you just automatically Do whatever the hell larry Tells you to do? Yes, don't you? Yes.
Now get the hell Out of my office.
Hey, hey, hey, hey.
What's in the bag? What? What's in the bag? Nothing.
Ok, it's Elvis costello.
spike.
When do you think you can Get him to sign it? We can't.
What have I been saying About bugging him? I know, i heard you, but that's For everybody else, right? What do you think, Before or after the show? Why is everybody acting Like a bunch of 4-year-olds At a fucking barney show? What crawled up your butt And died? Jeez Excuse me, uh Can somebody, uh Can-- uh, hello? Elvis, hi.
I'm paula.
How are you? Is everything ok? Can we do anything for you? Everything's fine, I think.
You know, larry is so excited To have you on the show.
He's a big fan.
Oh, speak Of the devil, here he is.
Larry, this is elvis.
Elvis, i heard you Coming down the hall.
Hi.
I'm a big fan.
Listen, you know The song allison-- I was just wondering About this.
Is that-- is that-- Excuse me.
Let's talk about that On the air.
Artie, you know Elvis costello.
Oh, yes, dear boy.
What An honor to have you aboard.
You know, i've always wanted To ask you about your song allison.
Is that about A specific person or a pet? Artie, i need To talk to you.
Hank, this is elvis.
I don't think so.
We're back.
I'm very excited About my next guest.
This is his latest album-- brutal youth.
I'm a huge fan.
Please give a warm welcome To elvis costello And the attractions.
* When nobody knows, She puts on secret clothes * * And lies in the meadow with Her hands tied behind her back * * I won't refuse, If you know how to use it * * Just stop playing That ugly drug music * * 13 steps lead down * * 13 steps lead down * * There's commoners and kings * * And everyone's a prisoner Of paper and glue * * And a decent pair Of scissors * You know, i've been Trying to land That people's choice Announcing gig.
I didn't wanna Come to you with it Because, you know, god knows, You have so much on your mind.
You know, you wear All these hats, Including the editing, Which you seem to be more And more involved with Every day.
Heh heh heh.
That's because i care.
* 13 steps lead down * * 13 steps lead down * * She stands and fails On fashion fingernails * * Her lovers having her Walking 'round * * On instruments Of torture * * And one of them Is poisonous * * The other is a thief, They say * I've spoken To rita moreno And superman.
And they don't seem To want to help.
Fuckers.
So i'm asking you Flat-out.
Please, hire me.
I wanna be The announcer.
I am so fat.
* Just stop playing That bad mood music * * And 13 steps lead down * * 13 steps lead down * Wasting your time, Hank.
Larry's quit The people's choice, So he can't help your ass.
Oh.
Well, In that case * Because i just Can't stand * Bad decision To edit that tape.
* Lead down * * 13 steps lead * Coconut is funnier Than chicken.
Coconut.
Followed by a nut.
Hey, the show is in Progress, gentlemen.
Hank, please return To your chair.
Wanna reconsider Your hasty decision? Or are you gonna let me Be stuck with the suggestion That the network gave me? Mr.
Hal linden.
Hal linden is good.
Hal linden is funny.
And he'll do one Of those dance numbers.
Ok.
I'll just Hang there with hal And twist slowly In the wind.
If i was you, I'd go get hank.
Yeah.
[Cheering and applause.]
Give me an idea Why elvis is so mad.
I don't have any idea.
I just know He's very, very angry.
Artie.
Mr.
Costello? You see? You said The other project wouldn't Interfere with your work here, And this--the whole thing's Falling apart.
Oh, don't be Such a pussy.
Elvis! De-clan! Declan! Who's declan? That's His real name.
Oh, you know, i didn't Need to know that.
Why don't you read The fucking notes? Why don't you shove 'em Up your ass? Oh, is there A problem, sir? I don't know why I did this show.
Come on, we're Big fans here.
Oh, yeah, you're big fans.
And while i'm up there Doing my number, You're yap, yap, yap.
We were listening Most intently.
We're huge fans! Don't gimme any more Of that big fan shite.
Letterman, letterman-- That's big fans.
I thought he didn't Do letterman.
I thought we were the first To have him on.
When did you do letterman? What was letterman like? Well, at least he was funny.
And the people there.
They want autographs.
They want photographs.
They come in with a question About the songs.
Here, no one will Even look at me.
What can we do To make it up to you? Whatever you want.
I've taken care of it Meself.
Bye-bye.
By the way, larry, I'm a big fan.
What the-- Look at this.
This reminds me of the time Angela lansbury was on.
Good morning.
Oh, hey.
Uh, i just came in to tell you I made a mistake.
I should have never taken that People's-choice project.
I was just coming into Your office to tell you I overreacted, so No, i thought about this All night.
I was wrong to ask you To cohost.
You should always Be the host.
You should rest on your hiatus So you can focus on this show The way i should be doing.
So i told 'em-- just take Your tap shoes And shove 'em up Your collective ass.
You quit? No.
They fired me.
Rule number one-- never quit.
Always make them fire you.
That way, you get your money.
So i'm gonna be On that plane to hawaii Saturday morning, buddy.
I'm gonna teach you How to windsurf.
You know, i felt so Bad about our little Argument last night That i woke up and, uh I signed the contract to cohost The people's choice awards As a favor to you.
Oh, shit.
What are we-- is this Where i do the intro from? Man: okay, people, settle! Is this where i do-- People, quiet for rehearsal.
Is this where i do The intro from? "And now i'd like You all to say hello to My good friend and cohost Miss rita moreno.
" And then i move-- She's gonna come-- Ok, and rita Settles in.
It's really very easy.
Just take my hand.
We're gonna Do some step kicks.
And then, when I put up my leg, You grab it, ok? Let's go.
Here we go.
And kick, Step, step, step.
Kick, step, step, step.
Kick, step, step, step.
Now catch my leg.
Catch my--there you go.
I just pulled something.
I just--right here.
I just need a little break.
Is there--ahem-- Excuse me.
Rita: i don't think He dances.
Now, larry, i think This can work.
You just have to commit.
I'm not dancing.
I'll tell you, you get artie, Then i'll dance.
I don't even know Where arthur is.
He's in hawaii.
He's on The island of oahu in honolulu.
Larry, i know this is Unfamiliar territory.
You feel a little Out of place here.
Just a tad.
We've made an adjustment That's gonna make you Feel more at home, ok? Can we hear that Opening announce, please? Hank: and now the people's Choice awards Salute in song and in dance Mmm, tastes a little Like coconut.