The Larry Sanders Show (1992) s03e10 Episode Script

Like No Business I Know

Man on tv: I'm thinking, Well, it is sweeps, And i love jay very much, And i thought, Well, what if i, I don't know What are you doing? Set his furniture On fire? Oh, no, don't set That on fire.
[Leno's audience laughing] Now you have to Sit in this.
Now, sit down Sit down.
Sit dow-- Sit down! I'm not Sitting in it! Sit in That chair Wow, you can tell Leno's pissed.
Look at him.
That bobcat Has got serious Mental problems.
I think he's got Incredible balls.
He's got something.
Paula, don't say "Balls.
" Men find that Off-putting.
Thanks for the tip.
Don't say "tip.
" You know what happened? I'll tell you exactly.
He did arsenio.
They got a lot of press When he ransacked The stage, So the tonight show, Uh, booked him.
They're whores.
Whores.
Whores.
Bobcat here yet? Yes.
[Sighs] good.
Michael bolton And regis philbin Are here as well.
Have you talked To bobcat? Yes.
You told him No crazy stuff? Yes.
He'll Be zany and whacky, And the set will remain Completely intact.
Well, i like Pranky stunts, You know that, But, i mean, If i wanted to see Furniture destroyed Or our set ablaze, I'd go over to Jimmy caan's place.
No, no.
I'm gonna find this.
It was right in the middle Of helen hunt last night, I get the spring Right up my ass.
There it is.
There it is.
Right there.
Can we fix that, fellas? Before tonight's show please.
Thank you.
My ass is my fortune.
Bobby, you up there? Yeah, hank.
Listen, i don't know what You did to this mic, But its got A whole bunch reverb.
It was all over the place Last night.
Listen to this.
Hey, now.
We didn't do anything to it.
It's the same As its always been.
No, no, i don't think so.
I mean, there's A lot of treble, But there's-- There's no bass-- [Deep voice] Hey, now!--You know? Look out! Who's that big stud In the mustache? Uh-oh! Hey! Uh-oh! How are ya, Hanker? How are you? [Chuckles] Good to See ya, hank.
You look great! Oh, thanks.
So, how are you? I'm great! Show's cruisin' Right along.
Yeah? No complaints.
Really.
Great.
I gotta Tell y--i-- I--i love that spot That you and joyce do With the, uh-- The crackers.
Oh Bobby, you got this? Yeah.
Joy and i Have a lot of fun With that commercial.
Did you get the, Uh, box of crackers We sent you? Uh, yes.
Yes, i did, And--and-- And thank you.
Uh--uh, to--to-- To be truthful, The, uh, wife's Been on my ass A little bit About the, uh-- The snacks.
I--i put the, uh, Crackers out In the garage, And, uh Something got Into that box And built a nest.
[Laughs] don't Worry about it.
We'll send you Another case.
Hank, is there Someplace, uh We can go to talk? So, how's it goin' For you here? Well, i'm-- I'm the luckiest man In show business, or, uh Everyone says so.
I--i have to agree.
Really? What would you say If i told you That i've just Been offered my own Late night talk show? What would say? I'd say that's great! That's great! Well, Who's the lucky Cable channel? No! No cable, No, no.
Network.
Get outta here, Regis philbin.
I'm serious, hank! My demographics are Better than letterman's, Better than leno's, Better than Any of these Young punks.
All i gotta do is go in, Sign my name, Done, official, In 85% of the country In 3 weeks.
Boom! Just like that! You lucky dog, you! But you're lucky, Too, hank.
Listen to me.
I want you to be My sidekick.
[Whispering] wow.
Well, that is, uh That is, um That's an honor.
I'm, um-- I'm honored and i'm deeply-- I'm honored.
I'm gonna turn you down.
Because there's a loyalty To this place.
And, uh, i, uh-- These people are Like my family, so Hank, hank, i can top Anything they're Paying you here.
Well, i'm even More honored, But i'm--i'm gonna-- I'm gonna turn you down.
I--i thank you.
Mmm I gotta-- i gotta go.
I'm having a late lunch With my, uh, Better half.
Larry? My wife margaret.
She gets mad when i'm-- I'm late.
She d-- Doesn't get mad, she gets, Uh, upset--concerned! Hank think about What i said, will you? I have.
Thank you.
No.
Darlene? Darlene, Can you hear me? Call margaret! Tell her i'm Yeah, no, it wasn't Just, like, me Setting it on fire, I actually Soaked the thing.
Right, right.
Leno had no clue? No.
No, no, Not at all.
Had no clue.
I'm so--i just-- I just, uh I opened it up, Right.
And then, it's, Like, leaking out.
I actually Burned my ass.
I got a couple welts On it from it.
[Laughs] And, uh--i mean, I don't want To toot my own horn, But i was pretty proud That i could actually Get a couple, you know, Some--some jokes off While this was going on.
He was pissed, Wasn't he? He fucking snapped.
[Laughs] Listen, it was Just a little fire.
I really don't know What the big deal Was.
Hey, i gotta go Look over my, uh, Notes, and, uh, You wanna talk about This leno thing On the air? Uh, i--i could if you want, But i'd rather not Because my lawyer Told me just to shut up Because i keep Making it worse.
I keep talking About it, and--and-- And--and it's just-- It's not good.
Hey, then we don't Have to do it.
Paula went over the, Uh, list of questions With you, right? Yeah.
Good! Good, then We're all set.
And, listen, uh, If you wanna stray Within the questions At all, that's fine.
I mean, i wanna have Some fun, too, ok? No, i--i'll do The questions.
They're really funny.
Good! Good.
All right.
Robert le chat, in person! Hey.
20 minutes.
That means, uh, Half an hour, bob.
How you doin', bob? I'm, uh--i'm--i'm Livin' a dream, art.
How you doin'? Hey, great! Great! It's great To have you here.
I just want you to know That i'm a big fan, bob.
I just love Your clown movie.
I'm just a sucker For drunk clowns.
So, listen up, junior.
I'm gonna Say this one time.
That fabric On the guest chair Is no longer being Manufactured In those huge Larry letters Over by the band, They're Much more expensive Than they look.
And don't get near My fucking plants.
They're my babies.
See you on television! Jesus christ.
Ho! * It is sidney, It is sidney * * It is sidney, It is he * * We are shaking, We are quaking * * Can it be, Oh, can it be? * * It is sid * * It is sid * * It is sid * * It's the agent * * Who's been with me A long time * * Who's sitting On the couch-- * Hank, please, I'm your agent, Not your mother.
You are You are my mother? All right, I'm your mother.
What are you Doing here? Your wife called And said you wanted To see me.
Right.
I told her To do that.
Yeah, something About a regis philbin Job offer.
[Chuckles] get this.
This guy has been offered His own late night show.
He wants me to sidekick.
Well, good for regis.
He's a sweet kid.
He is.
You're not thinking Of going with him, Are you? No! No, no, no, no, But, uh Now, just listen To this, ok? All right.
He leaves the morning show.
There's a vacancy.
Is that right? Right.
So, uh, Think about it: [Deep announcer voice] Live with hank and kathie lee.
[Chuckles] Hank-eleh.
Chach-keleh.
This is not A smart move.
Here.
the larry sanders show.
This is your base.
Where did you Come up with such A farkuckt idea? I don't know, I'm just-- I don't know, sid.
Thinking about it Over lunch.
Lunch with your wife? Yeah.
Lunch With my wife.
She was there.
The last time i had Lunch with my wife I ended up redoing The living room In a pattern That i'm not allowed To sit down on.
This is my own decision.
[Telephone beeps] Darlene: hank? Your wife is on line 4.
Hello? Yeah.
How are you? Mm-hmm.
Yes.
Yeah, he's-- He's right here.
We're talking About it right now.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I promise you.
Can i have a little privacy, Please? You realize I'll have to get up? Yes.
Thank you.
Oi [Grumbling in yiddish] He's leaving now.
Yeah.
No, he's doing His leaving thing.
Yeah.
[Thud] ooh! Just a mild Concussion.
Don't Worry yourself.
Please? Hi.
I think bobcat Will be funny.
If he touches My plants, he dies.
I will move swiftly.
He will be dead, Good, so you gave him Just the normal Welcoming speech.
Pretty much so.
Uh-huh.
And i have Hank news.
What? What's This time? What's wrong with him? Uh, not enough Oxygen to the brain As a fetus, That's My first guess.
That would be mine.
Did you know That regis is getting A late night show Of his own? You're kidding.
No.
He's looking For a sidekick.
Someone like, Uh, hank? Hank? Yes.
Well, is he pursuing it? His wife Is pursuing it.
Well, handle it.
Don't you want me To tell you How i handle it? No, just handle it.
That's enough For you? Yeah, it's more Than enough for me Just to know that You're handling it.
All right.
Boy, i don't get it! You know? I thought Hank's wife was really, uh, You know, Quiet and sweet.
She was.
What happened? He married her.
Make him pretty, bruno.
Again.
[Chuckles] [Knock on door] Come on.
You wanted To see me? Yes, hank, uh Shut the door, Will you? What's up? Close the door, Please.
Well, i'd like to know What we're talking about Before i do that.
Don't worry about it.
Take a chair.
Just a man-to-man chat.
[Sighs] [Chuckles] Man-to-man, huh? Ok, well--oh I know what's up.
You got some action, Huh? You finally Bagged that chick At nbc, right? I know about regis.
Aw cut the crap, hank.
Who told you? Well, that's not important.
People always have Told me everything All my life.
I can't help that.
SoRegis is looking For a sidekick, huh? Well, i'm, uh-- All right, i'm not Gonna lie to you, Because i, um-- I have far too much Respect for you For that.
But uh, i don't know What you heard, But if it's about the job That regis offered me, No, no.
I'm not interested.
This is my home.
This is Where i will stay, thank you.
Cut the crap.
I told you, sit down! Ok.
You're trying To get his job On the morning show.
Damn it! Who are these fucking people? Just give me a name.
I'm trying To help you, hank.
If i was pussy-whipped, You'd be talking to me The way i'm talking To you now.
Whoa.
You think My wife has something To do with this? Oh, hell, Everybody knows She's on your ass.
And by the way, I never liked margaret.
She looks at you like She's got x-ray vision.
Gives me the creeps.
Everybody knows.
Is that what you said? Yeah.
Everybody knows? [Yelling] Well, everybody's wrong! You're all wrong! You're talking About my wife.
She happens to love me Very much, And she's just looking out For my best interests.
She happens to think That i deserve more [Loudly] Than i am getting Right now.
And you know what? I think-- I think she's right.
And, uh, that thing With her eyes That is a severe Astigmatism, ok? I'm sorry.
Don't get me wrong-- She's a lovely girl.
But i can't allow her To lift her skirt For every other show That comes along! I quit.
I think that solves Your problem, right.
I tried to help, But, god damn it, i will not Put up with your bullshit.
Yeah, well, i'm gone.
Listen, i'm a pro.
I gonna do the show tonight.
But after that, hasta la vista, baby.
Let me tell you another thing.
You do not apply the term "Pussy whipped" to hank Kingsley.
No? No.
He has never been, Nor never will be whipped By anything let alone a pussy.
Excuse me, hank.
Yeah.
Margaret called.
She says it's urgent.
See that? Yeah, i'm really pussy whipped.
She call from home or the car? Home.
Yeah, like i give a shit.
How's it goin', hank? [Sarcastic chuckle] How's the wife? You're the one Who plays a real Kooky guy, right? In your act? Yeah.
Now, you wanna see Something really Kooky? Ask me about my lady Again.
Guy's a fucking wing nut.
Ok, tell me something I want to hear.
What, i don't get The song? No, not this time.
Come on.
All right, all right.
I--i--i called Kathie lee at home.
I spoke to her On the phone, And, uh, She's a nice girl.
Yes.
Come on I ran the idea by her.
Yes Come on! Uh Come on! She, um-- She feels there'll be Some difficulty.
She said that? In so many words.
What'd she say? She doesn't want To work with you.
She said that? In so many words.
Come on, what did-- She hates you! She hates me? How could she hate me? She doesn't even-- She doesn't even Know me.
She mentioned something About an auto show In buffalo in 1979, Where you locked her In the trunk Of a camaro, As she puts it, "For laughs.
" No.
What? Oh, no, no, no, no.
That's cathy lee crosby.
No.
Oh! Oh, shit.
Oh, shit! Shit! Listen, It's better-- No, no.
No, it's-- No, you're gonna kill me.
You can stay here, Where you belong.
I had a f-- I had a fight With arthur, And, uh, he found out About the job, And i, uh And so i, uh--i quit.
What are we gonna do? I will tell you one thing.
You talk to regis.
You tell him you'd Be very happy To be his sidekick.
[Quietly] Ok.
Can you live with that? Or, more importantly, Can your wife live With that? I don't know.
What i hear is that I may be performing A benefit in a burn unit.
A burn unit? Yeah.
Really.
Yeah, i know.
If you're recovering And you're In a burn unit, like, I think i'm The last person You wanna see Swingin' through The door.
Is that really true? Yeah.
It's really true.
There's michael bolton.
Where? Oh, my god.
Excuse us.
No, that's ok.
Thanks for the warning.
How you doing, bob? I'm uh-- I'm still livin' That same dream.
Yeah.
Good, Good, good.
Regis is on the show.
Yeah.
Yeah, i know.
That's great.
I wanna do his show.
You do? Why? 'Cause i'm a morning guy.
Yeah.
I can see that.
No, actually, I want to do the show Because i have This idea.
What i want to do Is i want to, um-- I'm gonna have A big meal-- A big denny's Grand slam-- You know, eat as much As i can.
Eat some pork And everything, 'Cause i'm a vegetarian.
And then, The idea is, I'm gonna have an epicac In a coffee mug-- That's the stuff That induces vomiting.
So the first time, You know, i hear "cody," I'm take a big Fucking swig off it, And then boom! I'm just gonna Projectile-vomit All over kathie lee.
Hilarious.
Thanks.
That is hilarious.
I came up with it myself.
But--but i also want To hit him, too, 'Cause i don't want To be sexist.
And get gelman While you're at it.
No, i don't have-- I don't have That kind of range.
That's true.
All right.
See you out there.
Thanks.
Anything, uh I need to know? Michael bolton has A slight head cold.
He's still going To sing.
Good.
Good.
And that thing with hank.
Did you take care of that? Oh, that situation Is cleared up Completely.
Good, good, good.
Everything ok? He offered a solution-- I accepted.
Great.
Anything else? Your fly's open.
Thank you.
Don't mention it.
Part of my job.
Looking at my crotch? I consider it A perk.
I just want you to know I'm gonna go out there, I'm gonna give it my all, Same as i always do.
Good.
Good to hear.
Uh, this has nothing To do with you and i, It's just, i'm going Through some stuff, And i'm not gonna let it Affect my performance.
Hank, hankI know There was a problem, I know there's a solution That we accepted, And i'm very happy.
Have a good one.
You are cold, baby.
So you're here Doing our show, Which i appreciate.
Are you doing Anything else In town? You here For business-- No, no Just gonna do your show.
Joy and i will have A little dinner, And get the plane home.
Well, good luck Getting that plane.
You know, there are Not many that go To new york.
Ok, stay tuned.
We'll be right back With bobcat goldthwait, Right after this.
No flipping.
Man: clear! Great.
Thanks.
Just great.
Thanks.
[Clears throat] You know, uh I was really Uncomfortable.
I really don't want To have regis on Again.
At least He didn't sing.
Yeah.
No, I'll give him that.
But i don't like The fact that he's Coming on the show Trying to steal, You know, just hank, And i really don't Want him on again.
Well, mr.
Goldthwait's Up next.
Yeah.
Good, good.
He's a loose cannon.
I don't trust his ass.
Yeah, i know.
Let me get my Baby elephant palm Off the set.
I--i raised it From a mere nut.
Oh, yeah? Those come From nuts, huh? From a--a small nut.
Right.
Yeah, I see.
Unlike your date palms.
They come from dates.
Different kind of-- Well, you know? Yeah.
You've had a date Haven't you? I mean the fruit.
Right.
Well, that's where It grows from.
What? From the seed in the date.
The palm does? [Whispering] I've been thinking a lot About the job offer, And i just want To tell you i'm in.
That's great, hank.
That's terrific.
We'll have A wonderful time.
And wh-when are You signing? Next week.
Well, i'm in.
I'm ready as soon As you want me.
Fabulous.
Fabulous.
We're gonna start In the fall of '97.
What'd you say? Fall, '97.
Uh, but i-- When are you leaving the morning show? When my contract Expires, Which is in the fall Of '97.
Um, but you're not Quitting the show now? No.
What, Are you nuts, hank? That show is Everything to me.
It's my base, It's where i live, It's--i can't.
Fall, '97? Yeah.
Hank you ok? Yeah.
Does joyce ever give you Career advice? No, no.
Never.
Hank, You all right? Yeah.
Hank.
[Getting sick] Jesus christ, hank! Oh, my baby! Tell me about The, uh-- the tonight show Thing, and what You did there.
What was that about? I know you can't Discuss some of it For legal reasons.
Well, uh, to be honest, I'm facing A year in jail, And i really didn't think We were gonna bring it up.
Well, we don't have to If you don't want to.
I just thought it was-- No, i--i-- I distinctly said I didn't want to.
Let's talk about Something else then, ok? You want to do that? I was just curious Why you did that thing On the tonight show-- Well, it worked.
It worked.
The, uh--lighting The, uh, chair worked? Yeah.
I mean, that's why You have me on here tonight.
No, no.
We have you on-- And i may say this-- We are big fans Of yours.
Oh, that's bull-- [Bleep] No, bob--all right-- [Glass breaks] See, that's why You had me on.
It's like, Here, go crazy, Go nuts! Dance for us, Monkey boy! Dance! Aah! Aah! Aah! This is usually When they go To a commercial.
We'll be right back With michael bolton Right after this break.
Michael bolton! You know, leno's right.
You can't do that kind Of thing.
I thought you were gonna stick To the questions.
You could've really Hurt somebody.
Are you aware of that? I thought it was funny.
I'm sorry.
Artie: here's the man-- You should be apologizing To this old man in wheelchair You asshole.
I'm sorry.
I didn't know You were there.
One minute i'm standing Behind the curtain Eating a mint, The next thing i know, I got a cardboard mountain Up my ass.
You young people don't know What funny is.
Eddie cantor was funny.
If i didn't have arthritis, I'd knock you Right on your ass.
Happy now? I'm sorry.
Ok, i'll escort you To your dressing room In case you Get the urge To push a coke machine over On michael bolton.
I wouldn't do it If it wasn't Televised.
Come on, you Fucking asshole.
Uh, larry, hank has Something to say.
Well, yeah, I just, uh-- Well, bottom line is, I'm just-- I'm--i'm--i'm-- I'm a fucking mess.
My marriage My marriage is, uh Sid: my life My life is A fuckin' mess-- Fine.
This is fine.
What do you mean It's fine? You mean i can stay? Yeah.
Stay? Really? Yeah.
See you tomorrow? S-see you tomorrow.
Great.
Little smile? Ok.
Good.
Sid: tell artie.
Tell artie what? Would you tell artie? So you know Hank is staying? Does that mean something To you? I'll bet he is.
He found out Regis' show Doesn't go In 3 years.
What'd you do, Hire him back? What do you mean? He quit this morning.
Well, i didn't know that.
Well, why should you? You told me you didn't Want to know.
Well, i'd like to know If someone quits.
Yeah, well, i'll tell You what happened.
I called the fucker In your office here.
And i told him He was pussy-whipped And he better get-- Ok, fine, fine, fine.
As long as you handled it.
I handled it.
I don't really need to know.
Ok.
Good.
Regis: hi, guys.
Hey, reeg.
Hey.
Anybody going To invite me in? Oh, come on in, Buddy.
On the show, Ha ha ha.
I just wanted to say I had a great time.
R.
P.
, You're The greatest! We're gonna Have you sing Next time.
Thanks, artie.
Yeah.
Hey, that bobcat Is wild, huh? You know what i did? I asked him To come on our show In new york Next week.
Yeah.
Oh, good.
You're gonna have fun.
Yeah, you'll have A lot of fun.
I think so.
Listen, He can't be the kook He was here.
This is daytime.
And he promised me He'd be a good boy.
Well, if he promised you, He will be.
I don't think you have Anything to worry about.
But i'd tell kathie lee To stay about 10 feet back, ok? That's a little tip.
Come on, come on.
Anyway, thanks, guys.
Hey, see ya.
Thank you, champ.
Tell sally I said hi.
Excuse me.
He promised.
He promised.
He promised When i spoke to him He wasn't gonna Do anything.
In the morning, Young lady.
I'm really, Really sorry.
In the morning! Please.
Thank you.
You know, This is gonna be All over the press In the morning.
How's that gonna Make us look?