The Larry Sanders Show (1992) s03e16 Episode Script

Arthur's Crises (a.k.a. Artie's Crisis)

Larry: nice.
Oh, fore.
That--aaiii.
You're supposed to Put it in the hole.
Yeah, i know.
That's something my ex-wife Used to tell me.
You wanna Play through? Uh, no, i'm fine.
Uh, listen, clint black Is here, waiting for A sound check, And he needs to know Many songs you want him To do tonight.
I don't know.
That Would be artie's call.
Well, artie's not back From lunch.
That's why I'm asking you.
Artie go out to lunch? That's right.
He never Goes out to lunch.
I am aware of that.
Well, why would he Go out to lunch? To arthur The sweetest and Sexiest man in the world.
To donna, one of The most beautiful women I've ever had The pleasure to know.
Oh.
I almost forgot.
I spoke with Harry albertson today.
Oh, harry.
He's a good boy.
He's over at cbs now? Mm-hmm.
He's producing our He said to be sure To tell you hello.
Oh, harry's a good guy.
Give him my best.
And will you give My congratulations And a friendly "fuck you" To tom snyder? I can't believe He jumped ship like that.
Clint black.
How many songs? Beverly, please.
I just Wanna enjoy my little snack Without This kind of pressure.
Look, larry, The man is waiting For an answer, And i'm getting Stressed out.
And when I get stressed out, I retain water.
I hear you, So i--i--i-- Every year before The emmys, I puff up Like a fucking blowfish.
He's here.
You have to come down To the stage with me.
How do i look? Is my hair ok? Why didn't you tell me He was here? Do you hate me? Oh, larry, i'm sorry.
It's just That clint black Is my whole life.
Beverly! Are you coming? If you come with me, I will be your Best friend forever.
Please.
Oh, god, I can't breathe.
Are you coming? Yes.
Oh, i'm still Thinking about Last night, arthur.
It was really, Really incredible.
[Kiss] i was inspired, My dear.
I have to give you a check For the coffee table And the lamp.
No, sir.
I intend To make you Work for What you owe.
Mmmm.
Artie? Hey, did you Find anything? Oh, jesus.
Is he coming? He's got a hand grenade In here.
Just go back And look out.
What are you doing? Now we don't have a lookout.
Now, if he comes in, He's gonna see-- His calendar.
"Lunch today--dawn lasner.
" Dawn las--why does that name Sound familiar? Hey, what are You guys doing? I'm sorry.
She just--just come in.
Just come in.
Why don't we just put A welcome mat out there? Um, phil.
Yeah? Do you know anyone Named dawn lasner? Yeah.
Yeah, Don lasner.
Guy i went To high school with.
He used To hold my head In the urinal And pour Absorbine junior Down my neck.
Right, that's him.
Mystery solved.
Thanks, phil.
Oh, god.
Where's artie? All right, let's get Out of here, please? Could we go now? What's going on? Would you keep it down? Where is artie?! Would you Keep it down? You have to speak up, larry! I can't hear ya! What is wrong With you? I didn't catch that, So i'm just gonna go on! Last night, Coming back from vegas, We hit an air pocket! My ears popped! I'm near-deaf! Well, that sounds, Uh, very strange.
I don't know! Let me check! For what, a 20?! Have you Seen a doctor? Ha ha.
A little bit! Well, you should see ADoctor.
Never mind.
Last night! Do you know Who dawn lasner is? Donna who?! Dawn lasner.
Dawn.
Donna lasner! No, dawn.
Donna lasner Is the vice president, Late-night programming, Cbs.
No, this is dawn lasner.
Very foxy lady.
I believe That, uh, artie is Having lunch with her.
That's it.
That's it.
He's having lunch with-- He's having lunch With donna lasner! She's trying to get him To produce the late-night show After letterman at 12:30.
Well, not today! Today! He had lunch with her today, And he talked about-- First, she steals snyder.
Now she's trying to steal artie.
Fuckers! God, don't say Anything about this.
What?! Don't--keep this To yourself! Oh! August, i think! * I've been bound To leave you * * Waitin' on that For a while * * I'm sure it's Something i can't do * * If i can't * * Leave you with a smile * * I don't know how far * * I'll have to go * * Till i'm sure * * Those eyes won't cry * * And in my mind * * I've left enough to know * * That i can't leave you * * With a bad good-bye * * Good-bye, easier Said than done * * Good-bye * What's going on? Oh, they needed someone For the sound check, And darlene Volunteered.
Oh, she did? Ohh! What's wrong With you? It's the music.
It's always so sad.
I gotta get a camera.
* Good-bye if good-bye Means nothing * * I'm still bound To leave you * Larry.
I didn't-- Hey.
How you doing? Clint asked if I would sing with Him.
Is that ok? Sure.
Clint, Good to see you.
Hey, listen, uh, Oh, there's a runner here That, uh, works for us Who's really a big fan Of yours.
He's over there, And if it's ok with you, I'd like To introduce him-- Oh, no, not that guy.
Listen, could you Help me out And kind of keep him-- Is there a problem Of some sort? Well, he, uh He sent me A picture Of himself, And he wasn't Wearing anything But, uh, like, A small bathing Suit.
I don't know-- I don't know What to do.
Like a thong? I don't know.
It was just real tiny.
He didn't have Anything on but the-- Well, that sounds Like a thong.
Was it--was it running up The crack of his ass? I didn't check.
Well, then, You don't know.
Can i talk to you For a second? Would you mind? Thanks.
Let me talk to you For just a second.
Sure.
I'll be-- Let's go over here.
How you been? Great.
Yeah? Oh, you know.
I got this, uh, Show business thing On my mind today.
You know, it's tough.
Got a lot of people Around me Who aren't loyal, They're not honest.
You know, It's all me, me, me.
Listen, how many songs Do you think i should do? I don't know.
How many did artie Say you should do? Well, i couldn't find him.
Is he around? He's not around.
He's not around.
That's because he's One of those people That i was Talking about-- Not honest, Not loyal, All he thinks about Is himself.
How about, uh, If i do 3? Songs.
Yeah, sure.
Whatever.
All i'm saying, i think, Is that you gotta watch The kind of people You surround yourself With, you know, Because you gotta make Sure they're not there Just to use Another person.
Listen, darlene, you know, Asked me if she could sing This number we were Just rehearsing, and It sounds pretty good.
Sings the song.
Do you think It'll be all right if-- Yeah, sure.
Well, i don't think Artie would approve, But he's not here Now, is he? Well, no.
It's my show.
It's my ball game, So help yourself.
Have fun.
Ok, ok.
All right.
So i'll, uh, go and, Uh, work on that, then.
Ok, i'll wait here And maybe when You come back, We'll talk a little More about artie.
Ok.
Ok.
Felt good.
I'm gonna be, uh-- I think i'll be Working on this a while.
I'll be here.
Ok.
Hey, jonathan, Come here.
Would you--jonathan, Do me a favor, Jonathan, And go and ask Clint black, If you don't mind, Uh, if He's gonna be long And if, uh, I should wait For him.
You bet! Ok.
How was lunch? Very nice.
Yeah? Where'd you go? Dan tana's.
Oh, i haven't been there In 20 years.
It's great to find Some places never change-- Except for john, the chef.
He's dead.
How's Donna lasner? She's fine.
Oh.
Miss lasner Is a dear friend Of mine, larry.
Anything else You want to know? Nothing.
Sure? Oh, hey.
None of my business.
Ok.
Ivan, this is where Larry will hold the cards.
First gag-- Lassie's dna.
Schwarzenegger's.
Jesus, i'm glad i don't Have to do that damn So it was just lunch? Nothing else? Yeah.
Kelly! This--this chair And the couch, They're off the marks.
Let's get with it.
Chair's on its marks.
It's not.
Yes, it is.
Well, the couch Definitely is not.
Maybe.
Lunch, yes, i had Lunch and dessert.
If memory serves, Crème brulée.
Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
We split it.
Yeah, well, good.
Fascinating.
So we're screwing Each other silly.
Is that what you Want to know about? Whew, well, I gotta tell ya.
I am relieved.
I thought You were leaving.
I gotta--to take That cbs job.
Ha ha! And you just Had an affair! Oh, sweetheart! You'd be The first to know.
I mean, anyway, It's not in the cards For me To have a job at cbs.
Nah, ever since i pissed In larry tisch's pool On labor day, I've been persona non grata At black rock.
Larry, larry, Thank you! Thank you! Thank you so much.
You're wonderful.
I won't let you Down.
I promise.
Thank you! You ok, darlene? I'm wonderful, Artie.
Good.
I just have to go Throw up now.
Thank you.
Hey, listen, did you See the opening bit For tonight? This is Lassie's, uh, dna And Schwarzenegger's dna.
Ha! Um, arthur, there's A visitor for you.
Donna: hello, arthur! Artie: donna! Hey, donna lasner, Larry sanders.
Oh, hello, larry.
It's nice to meet you.
Nice to meet you.
I'm sorry for Dropping in like this, But i was hoping To steal arthur away For just a minute.
Let's go To me office, milady.
Larry, is this Too much? Hi.
Darlene: is it? I won't be offended.
I better go back To wardrobe.
First, i have To throw up again.
Hey.
Sometimes, The staff likes to, uh, Consult me about Their wardrobe each day, Something i enjoy Taking part in.
Well, i promise i'll Only keep him a minute.
Larry: keep him As long as you like.
It's really Not a problem You cbs whore.
So it's, you know, Out of my hands.
I mean, uh, Larry said i was Doing 3 songs, And artie said Only one, And if i can, You know, If i can Only do one, Then i'd better do, Uh, the single.
You know, i mean, The label will be Pretty upset If i didn't do The single, right? You understand? Yeah.
Uh It's the outfit, Isn't it? Well, no, Not if you're Riding fence.
I mean, i'm so-- it's A beautiful outfit.
It's just out of My hands, you know.
Maybe next time, Huh? Mm-hmm.
You understand? It's--it's, i mean, Are you ok? Yeah.
I really feel bad.
Ok.
We'll--we'll Do it sometime.
I better go.
See ya.
All right.
Excuse me.
Oh, Mr.
Kristofferson, hi! I'm a really big fan Of yours.
I'm looking for phil, One of your writers.
Oh! Oh, yeah, right.
You're doing the show Tomorrow night, right? Yeah, i'm doing a sketch With hank and larry.
I thought i'd come by And pick up the pages.
Are you--are you Going to sing? Yeah, i think larry said I'm doing 3 songs.
Wow! That's great! Um, wow, that's-- Why don't you Wait right here, And i'll go And get phil, And then i'll be Right back with him.
I hear you got Clint black on tonight.
He's great.
Yeah, he's ok.
I'll be right back.
I'll see ya.
Kris.
Hey, hey! Hey, man! I was hearing What you were saying About the 3 songs.
Listen, no matter What they tell you, No matter what Larry tells you, They'll cut you like A ripe tomato, ok? Come on, Let me tell you, Let me tell you About artie.
I thought i was Persona non grata.
Is that right? She offered you The tom snyder job.
Yeah.
Uh-huh, wow.
You must be One hell of a lay.
I'm also a good cook, And i mix A stiff drink.
Mm-hmm.
You know, every last one Of my wives Said they would have Divorced me years before, But they just Couldn't face life Without my herbs And spices.
What did she say when You turned her down? I didn't.
What do you mean? Hey, this is cbs.
She mentioned me To the big boys In new york.
You know, i can't Turn her down flat.
She'll--she'll look bad.
So i'm just considering.
No problemo! You don't Understand, artie.
This is going to end up In the trades, All right? And it's going to say You're considering Another offer, ok? How is that Going to make us look? Ok, you and i know I'm not considering it, So calm down.
Well, then what are you Doing? Are you lying? I'm lying for love.
You're lying for love.
Ohh, i think that's one Of the clint black songs He's doing tonight.
Well, if it is, It's the only one He'll be singing.
I cleaned up that mess.
What's the matter With you? 3 songs? Yeah.
Well, you weren't Here as i recall.
Why don't you Just say no? Be done with it For the good Of the show.
Hey, buddy.
This Is my personal area, And you're pushing me.
Now, listen, i Just received an offer.
Like you do, I'm considering it, And if you can't live With that, sonny boy, Tough titty.
You didn't just say Tough titty, did you? Tough titty! You know what i think? I think you're having A little problem.
I think you're afraid That if you say no, She'll dump you.
That's what i think.
Aw, that's A crock of horseshit.
I think you're afraid.
Yeah, i'm afraid.
I'm afraid i'm going to turn Into a lonely old geezer Wondering whether your melon Got chopped up Or whether i told you That your ass isn't fat.
Too late.
Not for me, buddy.
My ass is fine.
My ass is great.
I never felt better About my ass.
Then maybe You don't need me.
Maybe we don't.
Then maybe you And your fat ass Can go fuck yourselves.
Thank you.
I was just Waiting for a go-ahead.
Go right ahead.
Thank you.
Don't wait for me.
I will not wait for you.
Hello.
If it means anything To you, donna, I'm honestly Very, very fond of you.
Oh! I'm not going to, Uh, stand in the hallway While you try To steal my producer Before a show, And, uh, i don't Think it's right That you come In here and, uh, Play with Someone's emotions When you don't Even work here.
Oh, cut the crap, larry! I'm not taking the job! And i was Just leaving.
[Clears throat] Here's Your fucking suit.
Thank you.
Where are the pants? They're letting them out In the butt.
You mean the crotch? If you made This decision Because you think I can't sing, Then you're wrong Because i can sing.
I can.
* Easier said Than done * * Good-bye * * There's no good * * When You're the one * * Whose good-bye * * You swore Would never come * * And in My good-bye * * You're Finding none * That'sGreat.
* Good-bye * * Good-bye * [Humming] Thanks, sweetie.
* There's no good * * When you're the one * * Whose good-bye * * You swore Would never come * My next guest is one Of my favorite singers, And, uh, tonight, He's going to, uh, sing, uh, The single Off his new, uh, release Which is called one emotion.
I thought i handled That cd very well.
He wrote the, uh, song With merle haggard.
Please welcome clint black.
Clint.
[Applause] * Well, i guess You're glad to see * I'm finally leaving * * I know things for you * * Will change now For the good * * But it's all That i can do * * To pack my suitcase * * And walk away from you * * The way i should * * And i can't seem to find The voice of reason * * Everything Seems upside-down * * And right-side wrong * * Well, part of me Is here * * And won't like leavin' * * The rest of me, The best of me is gone * Hey.
Hey, buddy.
Come here! I just want To say good night And, uh, thank you.
Oh, yeah.
You, uh You're watching me Even after the show.
I, uh, i don't know If that's a compliment Or just, uh, sad.
Heh, probably both.
Whatever it is, Clintarino, You're the best.
Clint: thanks.
And i'll Tell you this, You're the happiest We've ever had On the show.
Yeah, i'm happy.
Yeah, i'll, uh Ok.
Listen, uh Come on! Have a drink With us here.
No, uh, thanks, really.
I gotta go Catch the bus.
Come on! Have A drink with us.
Tell us why you're happy.
Sit down.
Why is that? Well, uh, you know, I got married, And, uh, My wife, you know, Brought balance To my life, And, uh, smoothed out All the bumps, you know.
You just need To find your lisa.
Ohhh.
Fuckin' beautiful.
Have a drink.
No.
I gotta go Catch the bus.
Um, ok.
See ya.
I'll tell ya something.
I just started To realize something That's a little scary.
Yeah.
Try me.
I think you're my lisa, And i think i'm yours.
Oh, jeez! What the fuck!