The Larry Sanders Show (1992) s04e01 Episode Script

Roseanne's Return

it was i who handed miss clark a question on a piece of paper asking her to ask mr.
Kaelin if he had knowledge of the fact that michelle aboubrahm Arthur: larry.
the maid back in 1989, had opened the door to her quarters, allowing the defendant access to the room and allowing him access to nicole.
we've heard a lot about, uh, their past relationship, their past violent relationship, that he called her names, that he used profanities, that he said he might be pathologically jealous.
uh, the jury has heard the 1993 tape-- man: hey, larry.
i think the jury has a fair, um Um Larry, meeting.
Oh, okay.
[Turns tv off] Thank you.
I've called this meeting To talk about The general malaise On the show.
As you all know, When you go into Your tenth year, It's easy To become bored And for the show To become stale And predictable-- Hey now-- Oh, started on time.
Uh, hank, we're Trying to talk about Ways to keep The show fresh.
People, any thoughts? Better guests? Better jokes.
I'm sorry, were we supposed To come with ideas? Hank.
So what guests, paula? Well, kato kaelin's people Keep haranguing me.
Beverly: Kato kaelin has people? What do you Think, larry? Huh? Kato kaelin? No.
Big ratings.
Big ratings.
No? Maybe.
You know What's really sad? Is that people have forgotten The real victims of this crime.
I live on rockingham, You know? And my property values Have just gone right In the toilet.
Are you done? And now they've put A barricade up on rockingham To keep the, uh, tourists away, So now i have To take bristol circle To burlingame all the way Around to canyon view.
I have to make a left On sunset Where there's Just no fucking light.
Really? God damn it, let's focus.
Come on.
Is that the same suit o.
Wore The last time we did the show? No, last time he was on, You bumped him for faith ford.
Hey, who knew he was Going to get this hot? Come on, people, We have a lot on the agenda.
Paula, please proceed.
John travolta's agent Said friday looks good.
Wednesday, We have roseanne.
Roseanne? Well, all right.
The meeting's over! Thank you very much.
This is just what we needed.
A sense of direction.
Here we go.
You got a problem With the roseanne booking? Yeah, i have a problem.
I think you know that.
I think that's why you waited So long to tell me.
Didn't paula mention it? No.
Are you sure? Yeah, i think i'd remember.
I haven't seen Roseanne since we broke up, That's 10 months ago.
I thought you went To her wedding? No, i didn't.
I thought you said you did.
No, i didn't.
Well, aren't you A goddamn smart fellow Because it was At planet fucking hollywood.
I mean who wants to eat Buffalo wings Sitting next to demi moore's Torn panties from disclosure? You don't get it.
I came out Of the people's choice, She's in the front seat Of the limo, Making out with the limo driver.
All right! How many Times do we have to go Through this story? Because she's going To be on the show, And she's going to talk About how she dumped me, And how she married him.
That's great.
It'll be fireworks.
Oh, stop.
I smell sulfur.
Stop it, please? Okay.
Ivanka's on thursday.
She's slim and sexy.
She puts the supe In super model.
Thursday? Yeah.
Why don't You have dinner With her tonight? Maybe go over the questions? Precisely.
Keep your mind off of roseanne.
Hey, roseanne who? These days, who the fuck knows? [Russian accent] I was supposed to get The swimsuit issue cover, But they fucked me.
Oh, boy, that is, uh-- That's awful.
That's awful.
Well, i'm sorry to hear that.
You're going to be great On the show, though.
Thank you.
Yeah, you are.
I really like you.
Do you like me? I do.
I like you.
I like you.
Um What would you, um, Like to have? I'll have whatever You're having.
We'll both have The, uh, the tuna.
Um, except for tuna, Because when they kill tuna, They kill dolphins, And dolphins are people.
People of the sea.
Well How about the, uh, Swordfish then, okay? Is that all right? They're fish.
They're fish, They're not people.
The fight ends in fish.
Thank you.
That'll be fine.
The lingerie catalog Really fucked me.
Pardon me? The lingerie catalog, They really, really fucked me.
The lingerie catalog Fucked you? Mm-hmm.
If i had to do what you do-- I don't know how you do it.
How's the pilot? Oh, i play a maiden.
Jeff conaway plays The divorced dad.
Yeah, he's great.
He's great.
I like him.
That'll be good.
[Cell phone rings] Oh, fuck.
Hello? [Speaking russian] Larry sanders.
[Yelling in russian] do svidaniya.
I really like you.
Do you want to see me again? I can't.
I-- Look at me.
Look at me.
Tell me the truth.
Because i really like you.
Do you want to see me again? first, by way of history, the court twice that day had to admonish council [Cell phone rings] for conduct that was in violation of the court's regulations the prior week.
[Answering machine beeps] larry, you asshole, i know you're there.
it's roseanne.
and i'm doing your show in a couple of days.
i think we should talk before we get on the air.
call me if you have the balls.
[Answering machine Clicks off] [Sighs] [Ring] hello? Hello.
Uh, beverly? larry? Yeah.
larry, it's 2:00 in the morning.
what happened? did your date go badly? No, no, no, no, I think she likes me.
well, then what's upsetting you? did letterman have tom hanks on again, or-- No, i don't think so.
did leno have the ito dancers on again? I don't know.
Listen, beverly, Didn't you Mention something A couple months ago To me about a therapist Or a counselor Or something like that? um, a psychiatrist.
Yeah, yeah, That might have been it.
What--what was his name? dr.
He, uh-- he sees a lot of celebrities.
Like who? [sighs] harrison ford, steve martin, michelle pfeiffer.
Who else? Excuse me.
Are you larry sanders? No.
Larry? Hey, chevy.
Nice to see you.
Hey, good to see you.
What brings you here? The show get cancelled? No, no.
No, not yet.
That's not Why i'm here either.
No, that's behind me.
It's about Good.
I thought It was 19 months.
On the 12th.
I should never Have done that show.
Well-- I had a fish Behind my head-- Everybody said, "Fish? Why fish?" I don't know.
Why fish? I just thought It would look good, But, uh, you know-- Is dr.
Reisman good? He's great.
Oh, good.
Changed my life.
So let me get This straight.
You proposed To roseanne when you Were taking the pills? No, she helped me Get off the pills And then i proposed to her.
So you were off The pills when You proposed? Interesting.
How long were You two together? [Sighs] a long time.
From the emmys all the way Through the people's choice.
I mean, i really tried.
Larry, it seems to me That you don't want To see roseanne, But you feel that You're being forced.
I mean, you know, They're already Running the promos.
Larry, if you want To resolve this thing With roseanne, I think that You should pick A time and a place That makes You comfortable.
And that means, If you don't want Her on the show, You don't have her On the show.
I mean, It's that simple.
It's your life.
Artie wouldn't Understand that.
Forget artie.
He's a producer.
It's his job to put The show first.
You have To put you first.
You know, you're right.
And i--i don't do that.
Hello, mayor.
Hank kingsley.
Listen, a little problem.
Easy fix.
As you know, I live on rockingham, And someone has put A huge barricade up To keep The o.
Gawkers away.
I'm a celebrity.
I like gawkers.
What i don't like Is having to drive Followed by gawkers.
I hope this is still recording.
Phil? Phil? I need to-- Phil, could you, um, Could you do me a favor? You know that, uh, That joke i've been Doing in the warmup? Yeah, the one about Clinton inhaling? [Chuckles] yeah.
Uh, for some reason, And maybe it--it-- It--it's me, But it's just not Getting that Whaaaa laugh It--it used to.
And i was just Wondering, could you Toss me a new line? Ok, um Good.
You could say that, uh, You live on rockingham, Just a knife's throw From o.
'S house.
Uh, no.
I don't think I could do that one.
That--that--that implies O.
Is guilty.
Oh, i--i don't-- I don't think he is.
Hank, please don't tell me You're one of those.
Hey, i have Met this man.
He's always been Nice to me.
He is a-- He's a great guest.
He's a good neighbor, Always kept his lawn up.
Oh, that's nice, but, uh, What about all the evidence? What about all that blood? Oh, hey,i--i'm sure If you looked at All my underwear You'd find some Blood there, too.
No, they found Blood on his socks.
Yeah, well, i'm--i'm Going to go out And murder someone Without my shoes on.
Come on, come on.
They found blood On his bronco.
They found blood In his house.
They found a bloody glove On his property.
How do you explain All of that? He's always Been nice to me.
I can't believe i'm having This conversation with you.
What? I am freaking out.
[Crowd murmuring] Live-wire bunch.
Set to go, kiddo? Oh, yeah.
Thanks, sid.
Feel great, Never felt better.
Listen, uh, Let's bump Roseanne tomorrow, ok? Thanks.
Appreciate it.
You're kidding, huh? No, i'm not kidding.
I'm serious.
Is that a problem? Big mistake.
Big, big mistake.
Really? For me or for the show? We agreed to have Her on, didn't we? No, no, you agreed To have her on.
I think you care a little Bit more about the show Than you do about My personal well-being.
What's--what's with you? Nothing.
I'll see roseanne On my own terms, that's all.
Hank:Faith no more, And me--hey, now, Hank kingsley.
And now, because he's The only one Just bump her.
Is that such a big deal? Hank: larry Shit crowd.
Sanders! [Cheers and applause] Well, how about The o.
Trial? Really, didn't you think It would be over by now? All kidding aside, i mean-- I mean, seriously, I don't want to say It's been going long, But if o.
Had really Just admitted he was Guilty from the get-go, He'd be out by now.
[Audience laughs] [Laughs] The latest Dna study now shows O.
Didn't even gain those [Audience laughs] There have been A lot of, uh-- See? You're sorry You stood, aren't you? [Audience laughs] Hey, artie.
Chevy! Oh! Lovely To see you, dear boy.
What do we owe The honor of your presence? Oh, when i saw larry At the shrink today, He said drop by, which I thought was nice.
When was that? This afternoon.
Oh, right.
At the shrink.
So did anyone see Hillary clinton On oprah the other day? [Crowd responds] Yes, the title of the show was "Women married To american presidents Who cheat on them With fat blonde whores.
" It was really-- [Audience cheering] An excellent show.
I'm doing the monologue, And you're talking To chevy chase At the monitor, And then beverly, And then you're Muttering to yourself At one point? Where are your pants? I flushed them Down the toilet With the rest Of tonight's show.
Who'd you get To replace roseanne? Did you get anybody? Oh, yes, indeed.
Richard simmons.
Oh, good.
That's the best You could do? Richard simmons? Well, let's call dr.
Reisman For a last-minute booking idea.
I see you know About the therapist.
Well, let me Tell you something.
He does not make Any decisions, I make The decisions, ok? Then he can Produce the show, And you can come To my office, Lie on my couch, And cry about your mammy.
Oh, really? Well, he doesn't care About the show.
Man: larry? He has-- Doc, in here.
Oh, great job tonight.
Thanks for inviting me.
I'm glad You could make it.
This is artie, My producer.
Excuse me.
I'm going To get some pants.
Reisman, no one has A deeper respect for Psychiatry than i do, And i know that When we get to larry, We're both on The same side, but I think there's Certain guidelines we Should observe here.
Uh, before You go any further, Let me tell you that I can't discuss larry's case.
Oh, what horseshit.
You voodoo doctors Are all the same.
Soon you'll have larry Recovering A false memory Of an uncle who tried To touch his pecker.
Good morning, hank.
God damn it.
Somebody egged my fucking car.
Did either of you two See anyone near my car? We have To park in lot d.
The shuttle doesn't Pass by your space.
You know, none of this Would have happened If they would have Given me the spot Next to the stage, But no, They have to give it To bill hanson.
That's a handicapped Spot, hank.
Bill hanson is A paraplegic.
Oh, i'm sorry.
I thought You got a good spot from Years of hard work.
Turns out all You have to do is dive Into a shallow pond.
I can't imagine why anyone Would want to egg your car.
Oh, i'm sorry.
It's just, uh It is just so scary Knowing there is Someone out there, And they want To get you.
Well, did you have a run-in With anybody lately? Oh, no.
Well-- [Chuckles] There's that Fucking security guard.
Then there's that Fucking waitress At the commissary.
Oh, no.
It's the fat grip.
Here are the notes For barry white and the promos.
These are the notes For betty white? Barry white, The icon of love.
I see-- [Knock on door] Come in.
Roseanne's on line 2.
She wants to speak To you right away.
About what? I don't know.
Well, what-- W-w-what did she say? That she wants to speak To you right away.
Well, what were her, You know, exact words? Exact words? Yes.
"Tell that limp dick asshole If he wants to bump me "He should have the balls To do it himself, "Or i'm going To come down there And beat his fat ass Just the way he likes it.
" I just said That i liked it.
What line is she on? Line 2, artie.
Uh, if i'm not mistaken, You want to bump her For personal reasons? That would be Dr.
Reisman's jurisdiction.
Paula: still blinking.
Listen, why don't-- Uh, larry, Roseanne's on line 3.
I thought She was on line 2? She is on line 2.
Well, she's on line 3, And she's really mad.
It's these multiple Personalities, ok? Line 4 just lit up.
Perhaps you could Arrange a conference call Between you, dr.
Reisman, And the 12 roseannes.
If you need me for any Questions about the show, I'll be in my show office.
All right.
[Groans] I'm going to take Control here.
You'd like me to tell her She's not bumped.
Hey, that's a good idea.
Let's do that.
All right.
You little prick.
You little prick! What? You did it! You egged my car! What are You talking about? What am i talking-- My bentley Is covered with eggs! Well, why would You think that i did that? What-- What are-- What are those? Those things in The egg cartons? Those are eggs.
Yes, those Are eggs, phil.
Well, i need protein.
I like eggs.
What's weird about that? [Laughs] You have dried egg On your shoe.
Where were you This morning? Mcdonald's with a friend.
Hey, listen, hank, If i had egged your car, Would i be dumb enough To leave dried egg on my shoe? There's egg shells On the table.
There's egg shells On the floor-- You have, um-- Yoke.
Yoke on your fingers! Ok, calm down.
Listen, you're Obviously very upset.
I don't know.
I mean, maybe it was A drug deal gone bad That led to this Horrible egging.
But i have To assure you, hank, That i am 100% not guilty.
Ah I get it.
I get it.
That's clever.
It's very good.
, Right? Ok, you say You didn't do it? I didn't do it.
And i believe You didn't do it, Until you are proved Guilty in a court of law.
Fuck you, hank.
Of course i did it.
Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you! You clean it up, Or i'm gonna tell artie.
There you are.
Is that chevy? Yeah, you told him To stop by before The show.
Yeah, yesterday i did.
Roseanne's in her Dressing room.
She wants to speak To you right away.
Larry? Roseanne: I can't wear this dress! I'm pregnant, you dip shit! [Whispering] excuse me.
Would you close the door? Who shut that door?! It's like a goddamn Sauna in here! Open it.
Open it.
Open it.
And, of course, Those are the big sellers At the penitentiary gift shop As they were.
We'll be right back With, uh, roseanne.
No flipping.
No flipping.
[Audience cheers] Do you know what, uh-- Do you know what phil did? The little prick, He egged--he egged my car.
Larry? Larry? Um, don't do this.
Uh, um, talk to me.
Ok, i'm going to have To pretend i'm talking-- Talking to you.
[Mouthing words] [Laughs] Larry-o, son I know you're Sitting there Thinking you can't Handle facing roseanne, And it's going to be Awkward and painful.
I'm going to tell you Something, buddy boy, That dr.
Reisman doesn't Know about you.
This is exactly Where you should Face roseanne, Because this Television show Is where you are In total command, Where no one gets The best of you, Where you are the king.
Stage manager: We're back in 5.
Ok, hombre.
I smell sulfur.
Ok, we're back.
We're back From the commercial break.
[Audience cheers] We're back.
And, uh, of course, My, uh, next guest Is a, uh, Wonderful woman.
Beautiful woman.
Very talented.
We're, uh, big fans Of hers here on the larry sanders show.
Please give A warm welcome To, of course, The one And only roseanne.
[Audience cheers] Gosh, you just look, Uh, you look great.
Well, that was weird.
What was weird? Just then, when you didn't Know whether to kiss me or not.
Well, i didn't Know whether-- Well, for those of you Who don't know, I--i--roseanne and i Used to actually, uh, Date, and, uh-- We were lovers.
Well This is not-- This is not mine.
I don't, uh-- No, and thank god, Because, uh, you know, I had the ultrasound, And it couldn't be yours, Because it had A penis and a brain.
[Audience laughs, groans] I--i believe I have one of those.
You never wanted To actually have kids Anyway, did you, larry? Because, you know, Larry doesn't want children.
He's one of those Weird people who are Just much too selfish To want children.
Nope, that is-- That is not the case.
I--i would have loved To have had-- I--i guess i would feel Competitive over--in The breast feeding area.
I think that i would Be there, uh, you know, Nudging the child Out of the way.
[Audience laughs] I would also play some Romantic music, And maybe A glass of wine For the breast feeding, As opposed to the child, Who hasn't learned That technique yet.
Children can just Go right at it.
There's no-- No small talk.
You become an adult, It's got to become A whole thing, And then the next day You're running around Yelling, "i got lucky.
" The kid--the kid Takes it for granted.
That's where i would Have trouble.
I would have Huge arguments With the child.
I would--that's The first thing I would teach him: Do not take This for granted.
It will be You see another one.
[Audience laughs] That's what I would say.
[Audience applauds] So i think that You were mad at me, Because--basically, Because i dumped you.
No, i--i-- I dumped you, I believe.
No, i--i believe That i dumped you, Because your idea of fun Is sitting home Every single night Watching your own show.
[Laughs] Wait a minute.
We watched your show.
Yeah, but my show's funny.
[Audience laughs And applauds] You're just pissed because You caught me and my Wonderful husband ben doing it.
As i--as i recall, Uh, we had, uh, Sex a couple of times, Uh, in the limo While ben was driving.
[Audience laughs] Yeah, but the only Thing i remember About sex with you In the limo is that Ben was driving.
[Audience laughs] [Both laughing] Hey, hey, Hey, hey, rosie, You were great.
Thank you.
Sensational! Oh, god! Mazel tov On the bambino.
You're the funniest woman We've had on the show Since janet reno.
It was so good To see you.
I cannot believe that You tried to bump me.
[Sighs] Yeah, well, You know, i was hurt, And, uh, i--i tried To hurt you back, i guess.
And that's-- I was going to bump you, ok? I'm sorry.
Yeah, well, I'm sorry, you know, If i hurt your feelings And everything.
I was just hoping we Could get past all that, And we could still Be friends somehow.
At least Show-business friends.
Of course we can.
I'll always Be there for you.
What is that? Oh, my god.
I think my water Just broke.
Surf's up.
Giving the jury The impression that Mr.
Kaelin was aware Of an incident in 1989 Is bad enough, but Ah! Damn it! Why couldn't She have done that On tonight's show? We would have had Worldwide publicity.
[Laughs] How are You feeling, buddy? Good, good.
I'm glad You made me do that.
Reisman wanted Me to run away like Some little girl.
How's roseanne Doing? Good? Oh, she's doing Just fine.
Good, good, good.
Well, now that this Is behind us, Let's turn our attention To tomorrow night's show.
We have ivanka, Blues traveler, And kato kaelin.
No, no, no.
Bump ivanka.