The Larry Sanders Show (1992) s04e02 Episode Script

Hank's New Assistant

Ok, that's it For the show tonight? Yep.
Thank you, everybody.
We're out of time.
I guess tomorrow night Will be, uh, Gail o'grady, aaron neville, And, of course, Our good friend dana carvey.
Dana carvey tomorrow night.
Good night.
Good job.
Oh, i'm way off.
Way off! No, i couldn't find My glasses.
Your lips look A little cracked.
Of course.
They misplaced The lip balm.
Man: Clear.
[Phone rings] Hello? Hank kingsley's office.
Hello? Aw, damn it.
Excuse me.
I hate To be a bother, But is there some Religious reason You're not answering My phone? Uh, hank, i am Larry's assistant, And i answer larry's phone.
Why don't you just Hire a temp? Hey, hank, i got a friend That needs a job.
[Mimicking] Hey, hank, i have a friend That needs a job.
I'm sure you have lots Of friends that need a job.
What darlene does Is not a job, you see? It's a calling, And i will wait For her return.
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
Good show, larry.
Dana carvey called.
He's definitely in For poker tomorrow night, And his office Sent this tape over.
It's an impression Of dana doing you On saturday night live.
He wants to do it On the show.
You want to watch it? Oh, no.
I don't Need to see it.
I'm sure it's fine.
Leave it.
Hey, look out, me boy, I found me lucky poker hat.
Oh, yeah.
By the way, Dana carvey called, And he's in for The game tomorrow night, So let's hope we can win Some of that wayne's world Money, huh? wayne's world money! Nnnnnggg.
Swing! Wow.
See you maƱana.
Artie? Artie? Yeah? You-- you've got my tape.
What tape? The-- the tape Under your hat.
Oh! Ho ho ho.
That is the dana carvey tape, The impression he did of me On saturday night live, And i haven't seen it.
Well, of course you haven't.
You've got better things To do on saturday night Than watch that crap.
Let's look at it.
I wouldn't do that.
I want to see it.
You'll love it.
Ah, that-- he's so weird, Lorne michaels.
I think he's on crack.
You're in front of the tv.
Just remember that All america loves you.
W-- i can't-- What are you doing? I can't see.
Thank you.
Are you working out Or something? You're getting very wide.
I'm shoving it up.
[whiny voice] yasir arafat, the first terrorist nominated for the peace prize.
this is sort of akin to madonna being nominated for best virgin.
Well, it's not Accurate at all.
Of course not.
It's just More of that shit they do On saturday night live.
I mean, what is that thing He's doing with his chin? My chin doesn't look Like that, does it? You have a beautiful chin.
All those people On saturday night live, They just wish they had A chin like yours.
Chinless little cocksuckers.
[Whining] Why is he whining like that? I mean, i don't Whine like that.
No, not like that.
What do you mean, Not like that? Well, you-- You lilt.
He wants to do this on the show.
Are you aware of that? I don't know why He thinks it's funny.
He looks like tim curry.
Well, just tell him That he can't.
Well, thank you.
I intend to.
Okay, hold it.
Don't tell him no.
Then it'll look like I can't laugh at myself, And we know that's not true.
So just tell him He can do it.
It's fine.
That's why you, sir, Are the greatest man In show business.
Hello? Hello? Fuck you.
Why darlene Needs a vacation, I don't know.
I'm the one that Needs a vacation.
[Phone rings] Hello? Just tell your friend, uh, Please be here First thing in the morning.
Really? Yes.
That's great.
You won't Be sorry.
Hello? I'm tracing This call right now! Pound sand up your ass.
Delete? What-- What is delete? Morning, hank.
This is my friend i was Telling you about.
Hey, now.
Oh, of course.
From the cirque du soleil.
The sad clown, right? No, no.
You're Thinking of pinno.
This is brian.
He's here For the assistant's job.
Hey, now.
Well, hey, now.
Really big fan, Mr.
Yeah, i've been a big fan Ever since you hosted double danger.
Remember? Everybody put on their Protective goggles, And let's all play double danger.
double danger.
Wow, you really are A big fan, aren't you? Paula: Show him your resume.
No, you don't have to.
Wow! Personal assistant To barbara streisand? Well, actually, i was The personal assistant To her personal assistant.
And, uh, you left That job because Well, i really can't say Because i signed The confidentiality agreement.
She made him clean The hair out of her tub.
Paula, the woman wears A lot of hats.
Well, you're not going To have that problem with me.
[All laugh] Where are you from? Uh, originally British columbia.
Oh, our nation's capital.
I know! Canada.
[Phone rings] Please, you got the job.
Help me.
Hank kingsley's Office.
May i help you? Fred travalina.
Um, he can't be reached Right now.
He's in a meeting.
May i take a message? Great.
Thank you.
And, you know, He's a big fan, so What else? He's From our nation's capital.
So, uh, here's How the drill goes.
It's real sim-- artie.
I'd like you to meet brian.
He's substituting for darlene While she's on vacation.
Welcome To our little family, brian.
Little tip-- Don't speak to larry Unless he speaks to you.
Have fun, my boy.
Nice suit.
[whining] cut it out, okay? well, this is a crazy year.
A lot of firsts this year.
What do you think? Is that-- is that funny? I-- yeah, i think It's funny.
Really? Don't you? I don't know.
I'm too close to it.
I really can't tell.
Are my lips that fat? No, larry, they're not.
Really? You know What the kids Used to call me When i was little? No.
Fat lips.
[Laughs] Look, your lips are fine.
At least they're not Out of proportion With your teeth.
You know what the kids Used to call my teeth When i was little? You know what? I can't do this Anymore, larry.
I already told you That your butt, your lips, And your teeth are all fine.
No-- okay.
So it's my chin.
That's what it is.
You know, i've earned the right To leave the room.
You're saying that's Accurate to my chin? May i leave the room? Sure.
I didn't know It was so painful.
No one forced you to stay.
Would you send paula In here, please? Hey.
Hey, now.
You got the stuff? Yep.
Mouthwash? Mm-hmm.
Eye drops? Odor-eaters? Size 12 for the big man.
Hand lotion? Check.
All right.
Hard-on cream? No, i forgot it.
[Both laugh] This is fun.
I could never talk this way Around darlene.
She'd just get all insulted.
Ah, you know women.
I'll be In my office whacking off.
Uh, i'll hold All your calls.
Brian! Coming! Coming! Yes? What the hell Did you do in here? I tidied things up a bit, Just moved the furniture Around a little.
I can move it all back.
No, no, no, no.
Don't you dare.
I-- I love this.
You do? What-- what did you do? I mean, the room, It just seems-- i don't know.
It's so much bigger.
The chinese Call it a feng shui, The placement Of objects in a room To maximize Your harmony and power.
Well, since my divorce, My dick could use A little feng shui.
Ha ha ha! That's very funny.
Thank you.
And, oh, This, um-- this came Federal express.
Hmm? My god, it's from darlene.
It's a-- it's a letter From darlene.
Hey, guys! Ah-ah-ahem! Can i have your Attention, please? Come on.
Come on.
Gather around.
Look what i have got.
Hey, look, everybody.
Hank got mail.
No, no, no.
It's not just mail.
It is a letter From darlene.
"Dear hank, i hope You are doing well.
"How's beverly? Please say hello To her for me.
" Hello, beverly.
"How is paula?" Fine, darlene.
"Has she lost any weight?" No! "I love her more Than she can love herself.
"Hank, i have met A wonderful man, "A holy man.
"He lives in india, "And i have decided To follow him.
"He has shown me The true way, "And i have been reborn Into truth and light.
"And i now know That i can never return To the life that i had There with all of you.
" "Please forgive me, hank.
I'll miss--" um-- this is sort of akin to madonna being nominated for best virgin.
[laughter] okay, i have an appointment to catch with the swedish bikini team Larry? Dana carvey's Here to see you.
Nobel prize for medicine-- You got a cigarette? Yeah.
Here you go.
Darlene would Never let me smoke.
No? Mm-mm.
Thank you.
I was with darlene for, um-- I was with her for six years.
We were best friends.
I'm so sorry.
[Sobbing] Oh, god.
I am so pathetic.
You are not pathetic.
[Laughs] I don't even know you.
That's okay.
You know, the toughest people Are the ones who can cry.
[Sobbing] I'm tough.
Yeah, you are.
You're tough, sir.
Hey, life, Take your best shot, 'Cause to mr.
Hank kingsley, Life is a carousel, And the sun is a scoop Of ice cream.
Yeah, so blow away those clouds That rain on his parade.
You got a job lined up After this? No.
You want to be My personal assistant? Really? Yep.
What the fuck? Oh, wow.
Might be fun, you know? Go to ball games, Chase women, Work out at the gym.
I love the gym.
Oh, you saw the tape? Oh, yeah, yeah, Yeah, yeah, yeah, With the impression? Yeah, i love it.
You got To do it on the show.
Well, we're going To do it.
Oh, they didn't Mention that to me.
No, we're going to do it.
I'm going to get The teeth, the whole thing, We'll do it back and forth Like i used to do With dennis miller.
It always killed.
Remember that? [Imitating miller] Carvey, i don't want to be ca-kwee-cas here, But i feel squeaky In my squawker.
I'm like aweecabah.
He must hate that.
He loved it.
It was his idea.
Really? What else Is he going to say? There.
Come on.
Oh, me.
You aresotense.
Give it up.
There you go.
Oh, that's good.
You see? I can tell.
I can feel it All in your back.
You're mad.
You're angry Because darlene ran away, right? 'Cause she left you.
I know.
I felt Exactly the same way When keith ran off.
I'm sorry.
Who's keith? Your dog? No, he was my lover.
We were together For five years.
Sorry, um, i'm not-- I'm not following you.
You-- your lover? Yeah, he was my boyfriend.
Are you-- Um Are you gay? Yeah, but that was Two years ago, And i got over it.
So, you're not-- You're not gay.
What do you mean? Um His chin is All puffed out, you know And i don't think That i look like that.
But he seems To want to do it.
I wouldn't know, Mr.
I haven't seen that show Since eddie murphy left.
Yeah, well, i can Understand that.
He walks around whining, And he's always rubbing his ass, And he goes, "oh, my-- Does my ass look fat? Does my ass look fat?" I don't think I do that, do i? Well, i've never Seen you do that Right.
I got to run.
My truck's Parked in a red zone.
All right.
Well, Good to talk to you, sam.
It's steve.
Hank: God damn it! [Bang] Hank, what are you doing? I put a quarter in, And then nothing came out.
Well, that's 'cause It's 50 cents now.
It just went up A couple years ago.
You wouldn't have known that.
Well, thank you.
I wanted-- coke.
That's fine.
Juice is great.
Larry, i just got off the phone With neil simon.
He dropped out Of the poker game.
Now, see, neil simon, He whines.
Why doesn't dana carvey Do an impression Of neil simon? Oh, great, you guys Playing poker? I'll come.
I'm sorry.
We just gave That invitation To barry levinson.
Excuse me.
Hank? Uh, Sorry to interrupt, But i just got off the phone With a mr.
Lewis From mother's magic suit-- Hello, we're talking here.
Oh, i-- i'm sorry.
Hank, i know you're Upset about darlene, But jesus, we're not In a meeting for christ's sake.
We're just in the hallway, So lighten up on that lad.
He seems very nice.
You're right.
You're right.
He's nice.
He's very nice.
But i-- i don't-- He's-- he's gay! He's gay? Well, Don't tell dana carvey, 'Cause you know what? He'll do an impression of him.
Well, okay.
Let me Ask you a question.
How would you feel If beverly was a gay? A gay? What are you? Italian? You know, look At the bright side.
Maybe this will be Your first chance To fuck your assistant.
[Laughs] Come on.
Come on.
No, i-- i got to let him go.
You cannot fire this boy Because he's gay, hank.
We'd have a lawsuit.
If you want to fire him, You'd better find A damn good reason.
I have a good reason.
There was not one indication On that resume That he was gay.
Not-- not-- not one.
Barbara streisand.
Aw, shit.
Do you know where i found This message slip? Hank, i don't even-- In larry's slot.
In larry's slot.
Now i'm going to be wondering All the time, "What else is waiting for me In larry's slot?" I-- i can't work This way.
Hank, i don't even Remember him calling-- And i wish to god It stopped there.
But, uh, what is this? Hello? What is this? Aloe vera.
And, uh, What did i ask for? Aloe vera.
Yes, i asked for lanolin.
I asked for lanolin.
Darlene was with me For six years.
She never did this.
Hank, you asked for aloe vera.
See, that's the attitude That i cannot take.
Wow, wow, wow.
It's obvious this-- This is not working out.
So i would appreciate it If you would just finish out The day and go.
So this has nothing to do With me being gay, does it? Oh, come on, mister.
Come on.
So it's the aloe vera.
'Cause i can certainly see How that would be The last straw.
You see? There it is again.
There's that attitude thing Again.
Listen, my friend.
I am a supporter Of the gay community.
I wore a red ribbon To the emmys.
I have been To several elton john concerts.
What does that mean? Elton john Is a gay.
[Dana carvey whining] Is my hair too big? What is it? I mean, My god, look at my hair.
Does my ass look any fatter In these pants or what? I mean, look at my ass.
I'm touching my ass.
Um, i'm going to go Get your fruit.
Okay, that's-- So, i guess you're Going to do it, huh? Well, yeah.
Well, now that you've Kind of seen it, Does it bother you, Honestly? Same disguise i think Michael jackson wears When he goes To disneyland, isn't it? It's a bit Over the top, yes.
But that's how i do These things.
You know, my hope is that it's So abstract, so cartoony, That it wouldn't be Offensive to, you know-- I mean, like, well, George bush is just like [Imitating bush] Not going do it-- You know, i mean, And if you've seen me do Jay leno, i become [High voice] Yeah, it's like-- And you are just [Whining, mumbling] So that's my hope.
So you're all right? Is it all right? Tch.
Ha It bothers you.
Do you have to do The teeth, you think? I mean, that's up to you.
It's great.
I'm just kidding.
The teeth are the best part.
man on loudspeaker: 20 seconds.
Well, what? Is he going to do it? Well, last time i saw him, He was still In his larry makeup.
What the hell difference Does it make? I just want you to remember There was only one elvis.
Look how many people Imitated him.
Elvis is also fat.
He has a big, fat ass.
Oh, well wear a cape And a big belt, And nobody will Notice your ass.
[Cheering and applause] Welcome back.
Well, my next guest Is a very good friend.
He's an extremely Talented performer, And we're always thrilled To have him here On the larry sanders show.
Please welcome Mr.
Dana carvey.
Dana carvey.
[Cheering and applause] Wow.
Well, you look great.
That's a beautiful suit.
Thank you.
It's versace.
Yeah, baby, you like that? Hey, you seem to touch yourself When you say it? What? Touched yourself.
You said versace, And you touched yourself.
I touched myself On the leg.
Why does yourself Have to mean penis? Good night.
Hey, hey, hey.
Now, let's talk About your political-- What you're doing politically.
Well, i was known As doing george bush.
That's right.
I do clinton now.
Bill cli-- my image of clinton Is that hillary goes off To the hill and works, And clinton stays home.
[Imitating bill clinton] I mean, i like to stay in bed.
I'll be honest with you.
And i get a big piece of toast With a big gob Of marmalade on it, And i just watch regis and kathy lee every morning.
'Cause you never know What regis will say To kathy lee About frank gifford.
I mean, it is funny stuff.
And around 1:00 on tnt, I mean, you can watch flipper, Which is a good show 'Cause that's a smart fish.
I swear to god.
I wish I had him in my cabinet.
If there's dynamite In an underwater mine, Flipper will tell you Five times out of seven.
People say i flip-flop, And i don't.
But then again, i do.
[Laughter] Well, they're all gone.
So the grumpy old man Is just lionel barrymore Being abstract.
Now monty python Did that bit about [British accent] Our life was so hard We were like-- we were In a paper bag.
When we grew up, We ate dirt.
And they'd compete For who had the worst childhood.
Well, i thought it would Be neat to have a character Who actually liked The hideousness of his past.
That's the grumpy old man.
[Old man voice] Things were great When i was young.
I loved it.
God loved it.
In my day, we didn't have Safety belts to restrain you.
If you hit something And stopped suddenly, You knew where you were going-- Straight through the windshield.
You were dead, And you loved it.
I'm a mass Of bleeding bones In a highway, And i love it.
In my day, we didn't have Flame-retardant sleepwear.
If you went to bed smoking, You woke up engulfed in flames.
Whoopidy-doo, i'm on fire, And i love it.
I'm a bleeding, flaming corpse, And god, i love it so.
As god as my witness, I'm in heaven as i flame up In a bleeding kind of way.
Oh! Wait.
I have more.
You want to do more? I'll do more.
We're running out of time.
We're running Out of time? Okay.
Uh, why don't you Come back sometime? I hope you will.
Of course i will.
Okay, but dana carvey, He's been great.
And we'll be right back With the raspyni brothers.
Why didn't you do The impression? Well-- I was shocked.
I thought you were going To do the impression of me.
No, i could tell That bothered you.
Oh, no, no, no, i loved it.
I was hoping you were Going to do it.
I thing it would've been A great topper To what went on tonight.
No, i could tell You hated it.
The only problem was, you know, I was under the impression That i was supposed to do it, And it was a bit of a hassle Getting the wig And the teeth.
It was expensive.
I'm sorry.
That's all right.
You'll have the money back At the poker game tonight.
I can't make the poker game.
My son's got an ear infection.
He might be up tonight.
I should be home.
You love the poker games.
You're mad, aren't you? No, no, no, he has An ear infection.
I'm not mad.
You're mad because You think i didn't let you Do the impression.
Let it out.
You're Holding your anger in.
This is weird.
That's crazy.
I'm not mad.
Just tell me.
Get it out.
[German accent] Why should i be mad? I have many arrows In my comedic arsenal, larry.
Let's put the larry sanders Arrow back in the sheath And pull out The jimmy stewart arrow.
[Imitating jimmy stewart] Bull's-eye! There's your anger.
You're an asshole.
Bring the water.
Water, please? The water.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Well, the top is on.
You want the truth? What's really pissing me off Is that your staff said come out And do larry sanders.
He'll love it.
Then i get out here.
You're obviously saying, "Don't do it," Which you wouldn't tell me.
Now you're saying, "Why didn't you do it?" And that does piss me off.
Other than that-- I love you.
I'll never do it again.
I don't fucking Believe larry.
What do you mean? Well, he's so vain.
He won't let carvey do That great impression of him.
I don't blame him.
If i was larry, I'd take That little dana carvey And i'd dry-shave him With a flicker.
What are you talking about? Just because larry Has his own show Doesn't mean he's not A human being.
How would you feel, phil, If one of your friends Wanted to make you look Like a sniveling, annoying fool On national television? Man: back in 40 seconds.
I mean, dana carvey obviously Hurt him with that impression.
He did.
Thank you.
Very refreshing.
Beverly: Good show, larry.
Larry, i think you were Absolutely right In not letting carvey Do that impression of you.
Really? Oh, absolutely.
He's supposed to be A friend of yours.
He should know better.
He should know That something like that Would hurt your feelings.
That's what i thought.
I think you should dry shave That little fucker With a flicker.
Right, that's exactly right.
What's a flicker? I-- Listen, what are you Doing later? Nothing.
I'm not doing anything.
Really? Hey, well, why don't You come along? We're going to play Some poker later With some of the guys.
Would you like to play? I would love to play.
Uh, you might have to refresh My memory on some of the rules.
Ah, well, just bring Your money.
All right? All right.
Where do you think You're going, Mr.
Hank kingsley's Permanent assistant? I thought you were uncomfortable With me being gay.
I am, but where else am i going To find a personal assistant Who'll tell me When larry is hurt? Thank you.
You ordered aloe vera.
Yes, i did.
I'm sorry.
Forgive me.
And doug llewelyn Didn't call, did he? Doug llewelyn's A faggot.
Now, i am going to play poker With larry and arthur.
Want me to download Some tips from the internet For you? There's no need.
I worked on a cruise ship For eight years.
I did nothing But play poker.
I am going to kick Their asses.
He seems really anger.
Aw, fuck dana.
We don't need him.
Well, maybe you're right.
You feeling lucky Tonight, my boy? Well, i got a boner.
Whoa, we're all In trouble.
Beverly: Larry? Larry, dana carvey Just called from his car, And he's coming To the poker game.
Hey, now we don't Need hank.