The Larry Sanders Show (1992) s05e09 Episode Script
The Prank
Most people know you, Of course, from full house.
We've had, i think, All the cast members on.
Yeah, dave, bob, Dave, john stamos.
John.
I came down here When john was doing your show.
Yes, john--that's right.
You came with john.
You're good friends.
Yes, he's A very good friend of mine.
And he's a very nice guy, And you've Really blossomed Into a beautiful woman, If i may say.
Thank you.
You know, you are, By the way, Going to really like These people.
Do you have this cd? No, i don't.
Well, you're-- I'm gonna give you this.
Yes, I'm gonna give you this Right after the show.
You have a cd player? Well, you're Not gonna need it.
My next guests are A great band from texas.
Their new cd is called electriclarryland, And listen to this.
The song they're gonna sing Is called ulcer breakout.
This is all about me.
My doctor wrote this song.
Here they are: Butthole surfers! * Ever fall above With the law? * * Ever fall above With the law? * * Ever felt your gun For the trigger? * * Ever fell so fast You could die? * * Got to be At least 500 inches * * Cubic inches out of 75 Recorded by law * Wanna come over? What? Wanna come over And watch the show? Can't.
I can't.
No, i'm talking to her.
.
What? I'm talking to her.
Ok.
He's an idiot.
Ok.
I will.
* Yeah * [Coughs.]
I can't breathe.
Pardon? I can't breathe! [Laughing.]
[Applause.]
Butthole surfers.
We'll be right back.
No flipping.
Butthole surfers.
What the fuck was that? How you doing, man? Come back anytime.
I love fire.
[Laughing.]
We're gonna be in l.
A.
For the next few months Workin' on a new l.
P.
What? Huh? We're gonna be in l.
A.
For the next few months.
Oh, great.
Great.
Well, thanks For being here.
Really.
Let's get together And hang out at a club Or something.
That's a great idea.
Yeah, we'll hang out In a club.
I'll go get the-- You should get the number.
Get my information.
I'll give you My service number.
Really? Michelle hollaway here To see you.
That's not the korean woman From the commissary, is it? I don't think hollaway's A korean name.
Don't take that tone With me, all right? Ok.
Just send her in.
Ok.
Great.
Mr.
Kingsley, i'm michelle From jake stein's office.
Jake stein my attorney Or jake stein my accountant? Uh, uh, jake stein Your attorney.
I'm new with the firm, And i just want to say It's a real pleasure To meet you.
Nice to meet you.
Um, i have some, Uh, contracts here For you to sign.
Um, just right there.
You all right? Yeah.
Ahem.
You're a lawyer? No, no, no.
I'm a-- a paralegal.
Paralegal? I always thought That was a lawyer In a wheelchair.
That was very funny.
I'm sure you hear that All the time.
No, no.
Not really.
Thank you.
Ok.
Bye-bye.
Bye.
Um, oh, would you happen to know Any place that's nearby That i could, uh, stop For a quick bite to eat? Well, There's the smokehouse.
That's very good, But it has steaks And, you know, chops.
I mean, you're A vegetarian, right? Oh, no.
No, no, no, no.
I'm from oklahoma.
That's cow country.
Someone who still eats Red meat.
Yeah.
That's very refreshing.
Well, The smokehouse is good.
Thank you.
I would consider it An honor to buy you dinner.
Oh, um, i would love that.
Well, come on.
Come on.
Let's adjourn.
You-- ok.
Oh, here it is-- That commercial With those 3 chicks Walking down the beach.
Oh, my god.
The one on the right Has a killer rack.
Oh, no, my friend, The one in the middle Is the shit.
Come walk to daddy.
No, rewind it And come on back.
Look at her.
She trying to be All innocent, huh? You're not innocent, No, you're naughty.
I gotta meet This naughty girl.
Why don't you, uh, Find out who her agent is? Maybe he'll Hook it up for you.
Yeah.
Yeah, That's a great idea.
What are you talkin' about? I was kiddin'.
You going to Call her in? You bet your ass.
You can't do that.
Why not? She's an actress.
This is a tv show.
Yeah, but we don't have Anything for her.
I got something her.
Larry: This doesn't sound Like surf music to me.
Does it sound Like surf music to you? No.
I don't know why they Call it surf music.
"Butthole" and "surfing" Shouldn't be put together.
To me, someone's ass Is gonna get waxed, And i don't think That's a good thing.
Call me crazy, But you gotta stop Somewhere.
You don't wanna get Your ass waxed.
Bob saget says that All the time.
Really? Mm-hmm.
Bob? Says-- yeah.
All the time.
That's good to know.
You want Some more cheese? Yeah.
Ok.
That'll be great.
You know, My housekeeper Is the one Who cuts it up Into the cubes, So i'll just Bring the slab in.
Great.
Is that all right? Yeah, i like it Like that.
I do.
I do.
Is that your wallet? Yeah.
That's cute.
You got a little fish On there.
Well, It's a big fish on, But the thing is Artie gave that to me.
Really? It's a whole Fishing tackle box/ Wallet combination.
Uh-huh.
Just get the cheese.
Ok.
And how about Some more wine? Oh, yeah, But the housekeeper's Not here, So we'll Have to just drink it Out of the bottle.
Straight Out of the bottle? Straight.
[Laughs.]
I've never met anybody Who eats a mud pie.
Well, i do.
Mmm.
What? What? You just-- You're so real.
Oh, come on.
Now you have To try some.
Here you go.
Be careful.
Chocolate is An aphrodisiac, And the mud part Is all chocolate.
Oh, my god.
What? I think it's working.
Oh.
Oh! Uh-- uh, hank, I have to go call The sitter.
Sitter? Dog sitter? No, the baby-sitter.
Um, i have A 6-year-old son.
Well, isn't that-- Isn't that just great? Oh, i'm so glad To hear you say that.
A lot of men Lose interest after They hear that.
I mean-- well, Quite frankly, roger-- Is that-- is that Your husband? No, that's my son.
He doesn't seem to like Many of the men That i meet.
Oh, well, i love kids.
Really? Oh! I mean, Kids are great.
They have energy.
[Laughing.]
Well-- well, then, You'd love roger.
You know what? Why-- why-- why don't you Bring him down to the show? Oh, my-- Oh, he'll be thrilled.
Oh, yeah, absolutely.
I'd love to meet him, And we'll give him A first-class tour Around a big television studio.
Do you think he'd like that? Oh, super.
I mean, this woman is Terrific, artie, And she lives With her son in, Get this, chatsworth.
And they have one car.
It's american.
I don't know anyone Who has an american car Anymore.
What do you mean? I drive an american car.
It's a hell of a lot better Than these rice burners And strudel wagons The rest of these assholes In hollywood drive.
All right.
All right.
I meant no offense.
It's just That i am so excited To finally meet A real person And her son.
Wow.
He sounds great.
I think he needs A father figure.
You think You can handle that? Of course i can.
Well, what about Little miguelito from peru? You know, The kid that you adopted Through sally struthers? All his letters pile up Like goddamned junk mail.
Well, what am i Supposed to do? He wrote them In spanish.
You see, this is Not gonna happen With roger, Because he's local.
I don't know.
These people Sound very real to me.
You better stay The fuck away from 'em.
All right, what do you Want me to do?! You just want me To just keep dating These vapid Hollywood bimbos? Yes.
Let me tell you something.
Showfolk belong With showfolk, hank.
If you're not careful, You're gonna mess this kid up And his mom.
Whoa.
Whoa.
Mama lucia.
Fabuloosa caboosa.
Great ass, too.
Can you help me? I'm looking For phil's office, And i can't seem To find it.
Oh, that's because Phil doesn't have an office.
Jennette? Phil? Hey, nice to meet you.
Hi, nice to meet you.
Hi, why don't we just Head into my office.
[Laughing.]
Beverly, would you hold All my calls? [Snickers.]
Thank you.
Did you Find parking ok? Mm-hmm.
Who's that girl With phil? Oh, i do not know.
Nice ass, huh? Come on, say it.
Nice ass.
Okay, well, She has a nice ass For a white girl.
Beverly? Beverly: no, you ask him.
Larry, My niece is having A raffle at her school.
Can i hit you up For a ticket? Oh, sure.
Sure.
How much is it? I hope it's a day of beauty.
What's wrong? My money's missing.
Gosh, larry.
If you don't wanna Buy one, just say so.
No, i believe you.
My money's gone.
So what's The sketch about? Well, you know, um, It's not really A sketchPer se.
It's more like A concept at this point.
Keith.
Hi, We're in a meeting.
Yeah, i realize that.
I just thought Our lovely guest might like A delightful beverage Or one of these Equally-delightful cookies.
You'd like a cookie, right? No, thank you.
Oh, come on.
Have a cookie.
So there's nothing For me to read? You want something to read? We got papers here.
We got everything.
Will you shut up? You know, lori loughlin Took my money.
Oh, come on.
No, i'm telling you.
When i went For the cheese.
When you Went for the cheese? That's what You're calling it now? No, she was At my house, right? And she was playing With my wallet.
Yeah, i'll bet.
[Laughing.]
Listen, you gotta be Very careful When you accuse a friend Of stealing money Because many years ago, I was in new york With lenny bruce, And, uh, he accused me Of taking 50 bucks from him, And it turned very ugly And i popped him.
You know, you've told me This story before, And, uh, you took the money.
That may be, But i'm just trying To warn you.
You better keep Your guard up, Because lori's Going to pop you.
There's "love" On these pictures.
Who the fuck wrote that? I did.
Why?! Well, it's For the affiliates.
Knock knock.
Hi, uh I--i know we're early, It's just they were So speedy over there At midas muffler.
Midas muffler-- Do you understand What i'm talking about? Uh-oh, You must be susan.
[Laughing.]
You must be roger.
How you doin', champ? Fine.
They took my mom's car And lifted it way high.
Wow.
Well, i'm gonna scoot.
Now, make sure you sign Those headshots.
We gotta send them To sacramento.
Bye-bye.
Bye.
Sacramento-- That's the capital Of california.
Wow.
You are correct.
You must-- You must be very smart.
He's kind of a whiz At geography.
Really? Yeah.
If you say a state, I can say the capital.
New york.
Albany.
Wow.
Florida.
Tallahassee.
Wow.
South dakota.
Pierre.
And what's the capital Of north dakota-- Pepé le peu? You're funny, mr.
Kingsley.
And you are very good At geography, Mr.
Roger.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
I think he really likes you.
Well, That's a coincidence, 'Cause i think I really like you.
I brought you Some mud pie for later.
Do you want to ask me Some more capitals? I have a better idea.
How would you like To come on our show And play This geography game With me and larry? Roger on tv? Would you like that? Huh, buddy? Would you like To be on tv? Sure.
Oh, super! Super-duper! Super-duper! All right! Oh! Ow! Hey, larry.
Hi.
Lori.
I was just On the lot, And i thought I'd stop by And say, "hi.
" Oh, nice to see you.
You look great.
Those are beautiful earrings.
Oh, thanks.
I got 'em today.
Oh, really? Yeah.
I used the money I got from, uh-- My wallet? What? There's some money missing From my wallet.
Did you see any money At the house, 'Cause it's just Been on my mind.
There's $250 missing, And i can't find it.
You know what? I'm Getting the feeling here That you think I took money From your wallet.
All right, Larry, you know what? This is your problem.
I didn't take Any money from you.
No, no, no, no.
I'm sorry I even stopped by.
You know what happened? I probably overtipped The parking valet.
That's it.
You know what? I always give them A couple hundred bucks Because you know what? You know, they know me.
You really need To look at this.
No, no, no.
I swear to god-- She took the money.
I know she fucking Took the money.
Where the hell Do you get the authority To book somebody Without telling me?! But, artie, This kid is terrific.
He's pure gold.
He's a geography whiz.
He knows Where everything is.
Does he know Where your head is? Because i think It's up your ass.
Well, he's a lot better Than that stupid Mynah bird That was supposed To sing show tunes And just shit On larry's hand.
That bird was supposed To shit on larry's hand.
Where the hell's cahill? Come on.
Reba mcentire doesn't Need to do 2 songs.
Some guy left her, And she's broke.
Big fucking deal.
We got it The first time.
No way.
We're already booked.
You know, We can't do it.
I'm just gonna lay it Out for you.
Oh, do that.
This is the first girl That i-- i-- i have met Since my marriage broke up That i really care for.
No shit? No.
Artie, please.
I fucked up.
I told the little kid that He was gonna be on the show.
It's gonna break his heart.
How old's this kid? The kid is 6.
Nice kid? He's a great kid.
You got One fucking segment, Hank.
That's it.
All right.
Take as much As you want, ladies.
There's plenty more.
Brian, what the hell Is going on? Oh, ask hef.
Well, it was great Meeting you, And i have Your phone number.
I'll definitely Give you a call, Michelle.
Um, and, listen, Thank you For bringing In all those outfits.
Ok? Hey, phil.
Yeah? What the hell Do you think you're doing? Oh, uh, phil's Bringing in actresses Just so He can meet them.
Shh.
Shh.
You're shameless.
You don't see me Setting up fake meetings Just to meet ed asner.
You know, phil-- What? You've pulled Some sleazy crap In your time, But this Takes the cake.
Beverly, kiss my ass.
You show it bare.
Hey, could you guys Keep it down a little bit? Yeah, the girls are A little skittish.
They're not horses, Phil.
Why didn't he Dress up? Excuse me, I'm looking for a phil? Yeah, i'm phil.
Hi, i'm gary rindels, Jennette robbins' agent.
Oh, yeah, Nice to meet you.
I was wondering If it was possible For me to get a copy Of the script That jennette's Going to be reading? Well, uh, you know, We're in the middle Of a rewrite on the script.
We're punching it up, And everything, So i don't have A script for you yet.
But, uh, you know, Jennette came in.
Very talented girl, And i really enjoyed Meeting her.
You know what i think? Hmm? I don't think There is a script.
I don't think That there ever Was a script.
Boggles the mind, Mr.
Rindels.
This sort of thing happens In the movies, maybe, But we had no idea This sort of behavior Was being conducted On the very premises Of the larry sanders show.
Ok, well, it was Completely unprofessional.
We couldn't agree more! We told keith that This was a bad idea.
Shut the fuck up, phil! But i'm certain That we can come To some sort of solution That'll be agreeable To everybody.
How did you get that-- That job? Um, on an audition-- Casting.
Ok, so what happens? You go in there, And you have to wear A bathing suit? Uh, yeah.
Pretty much? Yeah.
That's how i got This job.
Honestly.
You know what's odd Is i wear a 2-piece.
Why don't we take a break, And we'll come right back.
No flipping.
Stagehand: clear! Just lovely, my dear.
Just lovely.
Thank you.
Oh, here, Lou will walk you out.
Thank you.
How you doin', chief? How you feeling? Is that-- is that the girl Who was with phil? I believe so.
Yeah.
Well, did anyone do A pre-interview with her? You gotta Work with people Every now and then.
Now you Have to concentrate On your next guest Precocious Roger hollaway.
The geography boy? Yes, yes, yes.
The geography expert.
Why-- why didn't Reba mcentire do the-- Reba-- she was anxious To get on the road.
Something seems-- There was a big Turquoise and silver fair In santa fe tomorrow.
By the way, I think lori loughlin Took, you know, my money.
You just have to-- You just have to forget All that.
Just go on with life.
Man: back in 5.
I'll be watching.
You're doing great.
Come on.
Welcome back.
My next guest Is joining us For the first time, And he is a 6-year-old Geography expert From right here In the los angeles area.
Please welcome Roger hollaway.
Roger hollaway.
How you doing, roger? Fine.
Good.
Good, good, good, good.
And how old are you? And you, evidently, Are an expert In world geography? All right.
Well, let's give you A little test.
We got a map here Of the world.
And i'm gonna point To some countries, And you tell me What they are, ok? Ok, let's start With something easy-- This little country Right here.
Should i give you a clue? Looks like a boot And in europe.
Come on.
You know this.
He knew all the capitals Of all the states.
Backstage He was terrific.
Come on.
Starts with an "i.
" Ends with a "y.
" Hey, don't snap at him.
He's not-- You just gotta look-- You're not looking at the map.
Look at the map.
He's looking at the map.
Maybe we'll Get to that later.
Just look at the map.
Don't touch the boy.
Oh, jeez.
Nice booking.
The kid froze.
Hank! I would just Like you to know That i am not going To be seeing you Anymore.
All right, let me-- There is nothing To explain, hank.
You are a grown man, You had no reason To attack him like that.
He did great.
It went great.
He is not In show business, hank.
He is just a little boy.
I warned you, didn't i, But you never listen.
Do you know any bimbos? You know, i've seen kids With michael jackson Less nervous.
Just remember, This show is not about You getting laid.
It's about Larry getting laid.
Larry.
John, how you doing? Hey, man.
Good to see you.
Great show.
It was funny.
Hey, thanks.
What are you Doing here? Um, listen, I need to talk to you About lori loughlin, If i could.
Can we go in here And talk about that? Listen, i-- i don't know How to tell you how sorry I am about that, Because i just thought That she took the money-- Right.
No, no, no.
No, you misunderstood.
Um, i came down here Because Well, She did take the money.
I know, it's weird.
It's-- she's, uh She's had this problem For a while now Really? Yeah, and she was Embarrassed And she wanted me To bring the money Down here, Because she didn't, You know-- You know, i mean, You could imagine How it-- My god.
Yeah, i know it's weird.
It's weird.
I mean-- There was 250 in the wallet.
Hmm? There was 250 in the wallet.
There's 200 here.
Is that a new earring?
We've had, i think, All the cast members on.
Yeah, dave, bob, Dave, john stamos.
John.
I came down here When john was doing your show.
Yes, john--that's right.
You came with john.
You're good friends.
Yes, he's A very good friend of mine.
And he's a very nice guy, And you've Really blossomed Into a beautiful woman, If i may say.
Thank you.
You know, you are, By the way, Going to really like These people.
Do you have this cd? No, i don't.
Well, you're-- I'm gonna give you this.
Yes, I'm gonna give you this Right after the show.
You have a cd player? Well, you're Not gonna need it.
My next guests are A great band from texas.
Their new cd is called electriclarryland, And listen to this.
The song they're gonna sing Is called ulcer breakout.
This is all about me.
My doctor wrote this song.
Here they are: Butthole surfers! * Ever fall above With the law? * * Ever fall above With the law? * * Ever felt your gun For the trigger? * * Ever fell so fast You could die? * * Got to be At least 500 inches * * Cubic inches out of 75 Recorded by law * Wanna come over? What? Wanna come over And watch the show? Can't.
I can't.
No, i'm talking to her.
.
What? I'm talking to her.
Ok.
He's an idiot.
Ok.
I will.
* Yeah * [Coughs.]
I can't breathe.
Pardon? I can't breathe! [Laughing.]
[Applause.]
Butthole surfers.
We'll be right back.
No flipping.
Butthole surfers.
What the fuck was that? How you doing, man? Come back anytime.
I love fire.
[Laughing.]
We're gonna be in l.
A.
For the next few months Workin' on a new l.
P.
What? Huh? We're gonna be in l.
A.
For the next few months.
Oh, great.
Great.
Well, thanks For being here.
Really.
Let's get together And hang out at a club Or something.
That's a great idea.
Yeah, we'll hang out In a club.
I'll go get the-- You should get the number.
Get my information.
I'll give you My service number.
Really? Michelle hollaway here To see you.
That's not the korean woman From the commissary, is it? I don't think hollaway's A korean name.
Don't take that tone With me, all right? Ok.
Just send her in.
Ok.
Great.
Mr.
Kingsley, i'm michelle From jake stein's office.
Jake stein my attorney Or jake stein my accountant? Uh, uh, jake stein Your attorney.
I'm new with the firm, And i just want to say It's a real pleasure To meet you.
Nice to meet you.
Um, i have some, Uh, contracts here For you to sign.
Um, just right there.
You all right? Yeah.
Ahem.
You're a lawyer? No, no, no.
I'm a-- a paralegal.
Paralegal? I always thought That was a lawyer In a wheelchair.
That was very funny.
I'm sure you hear that All the time.
No, no.
Not really.
Thank you.
Ok.
Bye-bye.
Bye.
Um, oh, would you happen to know Any place that's nearby That i could, uh, stop For a quick bite to eat? Well, There's the smokehouse.
That's very good, But it has steaks And, you know, chops.
I mean, you're A vegetarian, right? Oh, no.
No, no, no, no.
I'm from oklahoma.
That's cow country.
Someone who still eats Red meat.
Yeah.
That's very refreshing.
Well, The smokehouse is good.
Thank you.
I would consider it An honor to buy you dinner.
Oh, um, i would love that.
Well, come on.
Come on.
Let's adjourn.
You-- ok.
Oh, here it is-- That commercial With those 3 chicks Walking down the beach.
Oh, my god.
The one on the right Has a killer rack.
Oh, no, my friend, The one in the middle Is the shit.
Come walk to daddy.
No, rewind it And come on back.
Look at her.
She trying to be All innocent, huh? You're not innocent, No, you're naughty.
I gotta meet This naughty girl.
Why don't you, uh, Find out who her agent is? Maybe he'll Hook it up for you.
Yeah.
Yeah, That's a great idea.
What are you talkin' about? I was kiddin'.
You going to Call her in? You bet your ass.
You can't do that.
Why not? She's an actress.
This is a tv show.
Yeah, but we don't have Anything for her.
I got something her.
Larry: This doesn't sound Like surf music to me.
Does it sound Like surf music to you? No.
I don't know why they Call it surf music.
"Butthole" and "surfing" Shouldn't be put together.
To me, someone's ass Is gonna get waxed, And i don't think That's a good thing.
Call me crazy, But you gotta stop Somewhere.
You don't wanna get Your ass waxed.
Bob saget says that All the time.
Really? Mm-hmm.
Bob? Says-- yeah.
All the time.
That's good to know.
You want Some more cheese? Yeah.
Ok.
That'll be great.
You know, My housekeeper Is the one Who cuts it up Into the cubes, So i'll just Bring the slab in.
Great.
Is that all right? Yeah, i like it Like that.
I do.
I do.
Is that your wallet? Yeah.
That's cute.
You got a little fish On there.
Well, It's a big fish on, But the thing is Artie gave that to me.
Really? It's a whole Fishing tackle box/ Wallet combination.
Uh-huh.
Just get the cheese.
Ok.
And how about Some more wine? Oh, yeah, But the housekeeper's Not here, So we'll Have to just drink it Out of the bottle.
Straight Out of the bottle? Straight.
[Laughs.]
I've never met anybody Who eats a mud pie.
Well, i do.
Mmm.
What? What? You just-- You're so real.
Oh, come on.
Now you have To try some.
Here you go.
Be careful.
Chocolate is An aphrodisiac, And the mud part Is all chocolate.
Oh, my god.
What? I think it's working.
Oh.
Oh! Uh-- uh, hank, I have to go call The sitter.
Sitter? Dog sitter? No, the baby-sitter.
Um, i have A 6-year-old son.
Well, isn't that-- Isn't that just great? Oh, i'm so glad To hear you say that.
A lot of men Lose interest after They hear that.
I mean-- well, Quite frankly, roger-- Is that-- is that Your husband? No, that's my son.
He doesn't seem to like Many of the men That i meet.
Oh, well, i love kids.
Really? Oh! I mean, Kids are great.
They have energy.
[Laughing.]
Well-- well, then, You'd love roger.
You know what? Why-- why-- why don't you Bring him down to the show? Oh, my-- Oh, he'll be thrilled.
Oh, yeah, absolutely.
I'd love to meet him, And we'll give him A first-class tour Around a big television studio.
Do you think he'd like that? Oh, super.
I mean, this woman is Terrific, artie, And she lives With her son in, Get this, chatsworth.
And they have one car.
It's american.
I don't know anyone Who has an american car Anymore.
What do you mean? I drive an american car.
It's a hell of a lot better Than these rice burners And strudel wagons The rest of these assholes In hollywood drive.
All right.
All right.
I meant no offense.
It's just That i am so excited To finally meet A real person And her son.
Wow.
He sounds great.
I think he needs A father figure.
You think You can handle that? Of course i can.
Well, what about Little miguelito from peru? You know, The kid that you adopted Through sally struthers? All his letters pile up Like goddamned junk mail.
Well, what am i Supposed to do? He wrote them In spanish.
You see, this is Not gonna happen With roger, Because he's local.
I don't know.
These people Sound very real to me.
You better stay The fuck away from 'em.
All right, what do you Want me to do?! You just want me To just keep dating These vapid Hollywood bimbos? Yes.
Let me tell you something.
Showfolk belong With showfolk, hank.
If you're not careful, You're gonna mess this kid up And his mom.
Whoa.
Whoa.
Mama lucia.
Fabuloosa caboosa.
Great ass, too.
Can you help me? I'm looking For phil's office, And i can't seem To find it.
Oh, that's because Phil doesn't have an office.
Jennette? Phil? Hey, nice to meet you.
Hi, nice to meet you.
Hi, why don't we just Head into my office.
[Laughing.]
Beverly, would you hold All my calls? [Snickers.]
Thank you.
Did you Find parking ok? Mm-hmm.
Who's that girl With phil? Oh, i do not know.
Nice ass, huh? Come on, say it.
Nice ass.
Okay, well, She has a nice ass For a white girl.
Beverly? Beverly: no, you ask him.
Larry, My niece is having A raffle at her school.
Can i hit you up For a ticket? Oh, sure.
Sure.
How much is it? I hope it's a day of beauty.
What's wrong? My money's missing.
Gosh, larry.
If you don't wanna Buy one, just say so.
No, i believe you.
My money's gone.
So what's The sketch about? Well, you know, um, It's not really A sketchPer se.
It's more like A concept at this point.
Keith.
Hi, We're in a meeting.
Yeah, i realize that.
I just thought Our lovely guest might like A delightful beverage Or one of these Equally-delightful cookies.
You'd like a cookie, right? No, thank you.
Oh, come on.
Have a cookie.
So there's nothing For me to read? You want something to read? We got papers here.
We got everything.
Will you shut up? You know, lori loughlin Took my money.
Oh, come on.
No, i'm telling you.
When i went For the cheese.
When you Went for the cheese? That's what You're calling it now? No, she was At my house, right? And she was playing With my wallet.
Yeah, i'll bet.
[Laughing.]
Listen, you gotta be Very careful When you accuse a friend Of stealing money Because many years ago, I was in new york With lenny bruce, And, uh, he accused me Of taking 50 bucks from him, And it turned very ugly And i popped him.
You know, you've told me This story before, And, uh, you took the money.
That may be, But i'm just trying To warn you.
You better keep Your guard up, Because lori's Going to pop you.
There's "love" On these pictures.
Who the fuck wrote that? I did.
Why?! Well, it's For the affiliates.
Knock knock.
Hi, uh I--i know we're early, It's just they were So speedy over there At midas muffler.
Midas muffler-- Do you understand What i'm talking about? Uh-oh, You must be susan.
[Laughing.]
You must be roger.
How you doin', champ? Fine.
They took my mom's car And lifted it way high.
Wow.
Well, i'm gonna scoot.
Now, make sure you sign Those headshots.
We gotta send them To sacramento.
Bye-bye.
Bye.
Sacramento-- That's the capital Of california.
Wow.
You are correct.
You must-- You must be very smart.
He's kind of a whiz At geography.
Really? Yeah.
If you say a state, I can say the capital.
New york.
Albany.
Wow.
Florida.
Tallahassee.
Wow.
South dakota.
Pierre.
And what's the capital Of north dakota-- Pepé le peu? You're funny, mr.
Kingsley.
And you are very good At geography, Mr.
Roger.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
I think he really likes you.
Well, That's a coincidence, 'Cause i think I really like you.
I brought you Some mud pie for later.
Do you want to ask me Some more capitals? I have a better idea.
How would you like To come on our show And play This geography game With me and larry? Roger on tv? Would you like that? Huh, buddy? Would you like To be on tv? Sure.
Oh, super! Super-duper! Super-duper! All right! Oh! Ow! Hey, larry.
Hi.
Lori.
I was just On the lot, And i thought I'd stop by And say, "hi.
" Oh, nice to see you.
You look great.
Those are beautiful earrings.
Oh, thanks.
I got 'em today.
Oh, really? Yeah.
I used the money I got from, uh-- My wallet? What? There's some money missing From my wallet.
Did you see any money At the house, 'Cause it's just Been on my mind.
There's $250 missing, And i can't find it.
You know what? I'm Getting the feeling here That you think I took money From your wallet.
All right, Larry, you know what? This is your problem.
I didn't take Any money from you.
No, no, no, no.
I'm sorry I even stopped by.
You know what happened? I probably overtipped The parking valet.
That's it.
You know what? I always give them A couple hundred bucks Because you know what? You know, they know me.
You really need To look at this.
No, no, no.
I swear to god-- She took the money.
I know she fucking Took the money.
Where the hell Do you get the authority To book somebody Without telling me?! But, artie, This kid is terrific.
He's pure gold.
He's a geography whiz.
He knows Where everything is.
Does he know Where your head is? Because i think It's up your ass.
Well, he's a lot better Than that stupid Mynah bird That was supposed To sing show tunes And just shit On larry's hand.
That bird was supposed To shit on larry's hand.
Where the hell's cahill? Come on.
Reba mcentire doesn't Need to do 2 songs.
Some guy left her, And she's broke.
Big fucking deal.
We got it The first time.
No way.
We're already booked.
You know, We can't do it.
I'm just gonna lay it Out for you.
Oh, do that.
This is the first girl That i-- i-- i have met Since my marriage broke up That i really care for.
No shit? No.
Artie, please.
I fucked up.
I told the little kid that He was gonna be on the show.
It's gonna break his heart.
How old's this kid? The kid is 6.
Nice kid? He's a great kid.
You got One fucking segment, Hank.
That's it.
All right.
Take as much As you want, ladies.
There's plenty more.
Brian, what the hell Is going on? Oh, ask hef.
Well, it was great Meeting you, And i have Your phone number.
I'll definitely Give you a call, Michelle.
Um, and, listen, Thank you For bringing In all those outfits.
Ok? Hey, phil.
Yeah? What the hell Do you think you're doing? Oh, uh, phil's Bringing in actresses Just so He can meet them.
Shh.
Shh.
You're shameless.
You don't see me Setting up fake meetings Just to meet ed asner.
You know, phil-- What? You've pulled Some sleazy crap In your time, But this Takes the cake.
Beverly, kiss my ass.
You show it bare.
Hey, could you guys Keep it down a little bit? Yeah, the girls are A little skittish.
They're not horses, Phil.
Why didn't he Dress up? Excuse me, I'm looking for a phil? Yeah, i'm phil.
Hi, i'm gary rindels, Jennette robbins' agent.
Oh, yeah, Nice to meet you.
I was wondering If it was possible For me to get a copy Of the script That jennette's Going to be reading? Well, uh, you know, We're in the middle Of a rewrite on the script.
We're punching it up, And everything, So i don't have A script for you yet.
But, uh, you know, Jennette came in.
Very talented girl, And i really enjoyed Meeting her.
You know what i think? Hmm? I don't think There is a script.
I don't think That there ever Was a script.
Boggles the mind, Mr.
Rindels.
This sort of thing happens In the movies, maybe, But we had no idea This sort of behavior Was being conducted On the very premises Of the larry sanders show.
Ok, well, it was Completely unprofessional.
We couldn't agree more! We told keith that This was a bad idea.
Shut the fuck up, phil! But i'm certain That we can come To some sort of solution That'll be agreeable To everybody.
How did you get that-- That job? Um, on an audition-- Casting.
Ok, so what happens? You go in there, And you have to wear A bathing suit? Uh, yeah.
Pretty much? Yeah.
That's how i got This job.
Honestly.
You know what's odd Is i wear a 2-piece.
Why don't we take a break, And we'll come right back.
No flipping.
Stagehand: clear! Just lovely, my dear.
Just lovely.
Thank you.
Oh, here, Lou will walk you out.
Thank you.
How you doin', chief? How you feeling? Is that-- is that the girl Who was with phil? I believe so.
Yeah.
Well, did anyone do A pre-interview with her? You gotta Work with people Every now and then.
Now you Have to concentrate On your next guest Precocious Roger hollaway.
The geography boy? Yes, yes, yes.
The geography expert.
Why-- why didn't Reba mcentire do the-- Reba-- she was anxious To get on the road.
Something seems-- There was a big Turquoise and silver fair In santa fe tomorrow.
By the way, I think lori loughlin Took, you know, my money.
You just have to-- You just have to forget All that.
Just go on with life.
Man: back in 5.
I'll be watching.
You're doing great.
Come on.
Welcome back.
My next guest Is joining us For the first time, And he is a 6-year-old Geography expert From right here In the los angeles area.
Please welcome Roger hollaway.
Roger hollaway.
How you doing, roger? Fine.
Good.
Good, good, good, good.
And how old are you? And you, evidently, Are an expert In world geography? All right.
Well, let's give you A little test.
We got a map here Of the world.
And i'm gonna point To some countries, And you tell me What they are, ok? Ok, let's start With something easy-- This little country Right here.
Should i give you a clue? Looks like a boot And in europe.
Come on.
You know this.
He knew all the capitals Of all the states.
Backstage He was terrific.
Come on.
Starts with an "i.
" Ends with a "y.
" Hey, don't snap at him.
He's not-- You just gotta look-- You're not looking at the map.
Look at the map.
He's looking at the map.
Maybe we'll Get to that later.
Just look at the map.
Don't touch the boy.
Oh, jeez.
Nice booking.
The kid froze.
Hank! I would just Like you to know That i am not going To be seeing you Anymore.
All right, let me-- There is nothing To explain, hank.
You are a grown man, You had no reason To attack him like that.
He did great.
It went great.
He is not In show business, hank.
He is just a little boy.
I warned you, didn't i, But you never listen.
Do you know any bimbos? You know, i've seen kids With michael jackson Less nervous.
Just remember, This show is not about You getting laid.
It's about Larry getting laid.
Larry.
John, how you doing? Hey, man.
Good to see you.
Great show.
It was funny.
Hey, thanks.
What are you Doing here? Um, listen, I need to talk to you About lori loughlin, If i could.
Can we go in here And talk about that? Listen, i-- i don't know How to tell you how sorry I am about that, Because i just thought That she took the money-- Right.
No, no, no.
No, you misunderstood.
Um, i came down here Because Well, She did take the money.
I know, it's weird.
It's-- she's, uh She's had this problem For a while now Really? Yeah, and she was Embarrassed And she wanted me To bring the money Down here, Because she didn't, You know-- You know, i mean, You could imagine How it-- My god.
Yeah, i know it's weird.
It's weird.
I mean-- There was 250 in the wallet.
Hmm? There was 250 in the wallet.
There's 200 here.
Is that a new earring?