The Larry Sanders Show (1992) s05e10 Episode Script

The Book

Larry, reading: "When i was preparing My set with macaulay, "I used to have a joke In my act.
"I looked like a lesbian "Art teacher from Hartford, connecticut, "I'm not a lesbian.
I can't even do improv.
"I think people laugh Because of the cadence Of the word.
The fact is, It was an odd sequitur.
" I'm telling you, artie, My life is twice as interesting As any of these people.
You betcha.
You're fucking fascinating.
Is this picture Airbrushed, by the way? Probably.
Yeah, i think it is.
[Coughs] Give up pollen.
It's-- god.
Why do you wanna Write a book anyway? Well, first of all, I've got a better title Than leading with my chin.
Writing a book Is something you save For just right before You die When all you got to do Is watch the sunset.
But we have got A show to work on.
Well, foxworthy Has a show.
I know, but he'd have A better show If he didn't write All those goddamn books.
What do you think Reiser got for this? Well, now, how the christ Would i know? Oh, my god.
That must add up.
[Phone line rings] Woman: stevie grant's Office.
It's, uh, larry.
Is stevie in, please? One moment.
[Sighs] Stevie: hey, hey.
Guess who i just dumped So i could Talk to you, huh? Fucking fergie.
She wants To do a talk show.
I think she might Fuck me, too.
Stevie, what did Paul reiser get For writing his book? Pick up the phone.
Fuck you.
Fuck you, stevie.
What did he get For writing it? You're kidding.
What did leno get? [Laughs] Oh, my god.
And he still goes On the road? What is that about? Think i can Get that? You're making a mistake.
No, i just have The tv on kind of low.
A big, big mistake.
What do you think of this For a title: leading with my ass? Oh.
Uh, beverly barnes? Yeah.
Uh, where would you Like them? [Gasps] On my desk! Hey, hey, hey.
Over here.
Could you Sign here, please? Yes.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
Have a nice day.
They smell good.
Oh, my god! They're beautiful.
Who's it from? Is there a card? Yeah.
"To the loveliest lady I know.
" Oh, my gosh.
There's no signature.
Oh, sounds like somebody Has a secret admirer.
Oh, god! Isn't that great To know someone thinks You're so special? I bet it's james.
James? Yes.
The network executive? It's him.
No, i don't think so.
I know It's james wright.
He comes here Every friday, Stops by my desk, He says hello.
Everybody Goes by your desk.
Everybody says hello.
That doesn't mean any-- I know it's him.
Hey, who'd you Fuck to get those? She has a secret Admirer, phil.
[Gasps] Who? It's james.
The network guy? Yeah.
There's no way He'd send you Anything in secret.
He's the kind of guy That would find a way To stamp his name On all the petals.
All i'm saying is If larry's gonna Write a book, I should at least know What he's gonna write about.
Oh, come on.
You know what it is.
His life and times, Who he got to fuck.
You know, the usual Hollywood bullshit tell-all.
Did you move that palm? No.
I just can't understand Why people don't keep Their goddamn mitts Off my things.
I'm fucked.
He's gonna write About the incident.
What incident? Oh, come on.
You know.
You know.
You-- don't make me Say it.
You mean, everyone's favorite, The sex tapes? No.
The time you slipped And chipped your tooth On the urinal? Oh, my god.
I forgot all about that.
No, i was-- i was-- Thinking about the time I, uh, i masturbated Before the show, And you caught me.
Ha ha.
I forgot About that one.
What am i gonna do About larry's book? Well, hank, I don't really know.
But i tell ya, The next time, Before the show, When you feel the need To whip your pony, I suggest You lock the door.
Thanks so much For taking the time To help me With this, dana.
It's ok.
You sure you don't mind Being in the book? Oh, what the hell? What do i care? Well, listen.
I'm, uh, I'm just gonna tell it all, So i want you To feel free to be honestly Completely honest About all of it.
Uh, first of all, I wanna know How many times Approximately Did we make love? Once.
Gee, i thought It was more than that.
Wasn't it more In the area of 20 Or something like that? Mm-mmm.
Once? Yeah, i'm positive.
No, oh, wait-- wait.
There was The-- ha ha ha! There was that time That, uh, We slept together, But i think That night You had sex With my body pillow.
It was my body pillow, But i'll-- i'll-- I'm happy to say It was your body pillow.
Then i broke up With you, right? No, i broke up with you.
No, i broke up With you, didn't i? Larry, i didn't hear From you for 2 weeks.
You were a jerk.
That's right.
That's right.
Oh, and then, uh, when You finally did call Mm-hmm.
You just wanted to get together And have sex.
Oh, god.
This is so interesting.
This is exactly The kind of stuff-- And-- and when we did, You couldn't get it up.
Oh, this is just great.
[Giggles] "I left dana delany To be with nicole kidman "Who left me To be with tom cruise.
Dana just couldn't keep Up with me sexually.
" Mm-hmm.
"I had been taking Which i later found out Did nothing.
" Oh, i think vitamin's "I-n," larry.
We're just going over Content now.
Oh, ok.
Um, "To this day, I have still not Found a woman "Who can keep up With me sexually-- "With the possible Exception Of drew barrymore And dr.
" That's funny.
Isn't it? Isn't it? It's funny.
[Laughs] Do you like that better Than the antidote About bumping into Courteney cox At the pleasure chest? Oh, no.
You should Use them both.
Both? Yeah.
Ooh, i'm gonna Be late.
Where you goin'? Oh, uh, nowhere.
Um, do you want me To have this typed up? Uh, let's wait until The pad is filled, And then come back, And i'll read you the part About my dad not taking me To the ball game.
Oh-- oh-- oh, ok.
What a surprise! Hi, beverly! Oh, is it Friday already? Yes.
Uh, yes, it is.
Are you waiting To use the elevator? Oh, uh, no.
I was just wait-- um Uh, i forgot.
Well, you smell nice today.
Oh, i, um, forgot I put on perfume, too.
How's the show tonight? Oh, it's a good show.
Uh, great.
Pretty good.
Good show.
Who's on? Um, er, uh, um I, uh-- i forgot.
I gotta start takin' Those gingko tablets.
Aren't they Beautiful flowers? Yes, they are.
Who are they from? I'm-- i'm not sure.
A secret admirer, Hmm? You are so funny.
Heh heh heh.
Is larry in? Uh, no, he's-- He's not in.
Well, uh Here are The overnights.
I thought Larry would Wanna see them.
We're up A ratings point Over leno.
That's wonderful.
Is it friday Already? I had a thought.
Yeah, i had a feeling.
Wouldn't it be funny If you wrote A sketch for larry Where he plays Burt reynolds Going on one Of those dating game Type of shows? [Laughs] And all the contestants Look like loni anderson, Right? Yes! Ha ha, that's funny! I'm gonna go Write that down Before i forget.
[Chuckles] [Laughs] You are so-- so funny.
"I said to jack lord, 'Do you have hemorrhoids?' "He said, 'no.
'I said [Knock on door] 'At last, i've met A perfect asshole.
'" What? Hello.
What was that? Oh, you mean the pad i threw In my drawer? Yeah.
Just a pad.
Oh, 'cause It looks like You were Hiding it from me.
No, i wasn't.
Let me see.
Oh, ok.
[Rattles] Oh, shit.
The goddamn Desk drawer is stuck.
Then you move Your knee.
Blocking it With your knee.
[Chuckles] "I started producing the larry sanders show In 1987.
"I found it to be Nearly as exciting "As producing some Of the broadway plays I had done In the early part Of my career.
" It's just my memoirs.
Memoirs of what? About my life.
What the fuck do you think A memoir is? So you're Writing a book.
Yes, i am.
Have you made a deal? I've had a deal For a year.
What has happened To the world That nowadays anybody Can write a book? Anybody.
Who wants to read About a producer When they can read About a star? Well, which book Did you enjoy most-- Johnny carson's Or fred de cordova's? What a fucking ego.
That should be The title of your book.
Oh, i had no idea Your drug problem Was that bad.
You presented at the emmys When you were stoned? Uh-huh.
That's why i kissed Marla gibbs In the, uh, Press room.
Oh, i didn't know that.
It's interesting, Isn't it? You had a provision Put in your contract That guaranteed You'd make more than leno? Well, how much Does leno make? Less than me.
Interesting, huh? You threatened To walk off the show If the network Didn't redecorate Your dressing room? Isn't that A great ending? Uh, yeah, yeah.
Ok, well, proof it Before we send it out.
Don't fuck it up.
Of course not.
Larry, here it is! The first gala proof.
The publishers love it.
Oh, my god.
I've never Read it straight through.
How does it read? Oh, it's really-- It's really interesting.
Really? Yeah, they're gonna Publish it right away.
I'm gonna read it Right now.
Oh, that was fast.
How was it? Larry? Larry? Uh I'm fucked.
If larry tells them About the time I masturbated Before the show, I'll never be able To show my face In public.
Why were you masturbating Before the show? You see? It's an interesting Story, isn't it? Ah, that fucker.
He's gonna put it In the book.
I can smell it.
Don't boxers abstain From any type Of sexual activity Before a big fight? Yes, because They are pussies.
Whereas i find A little Sexual stimulation Before the show Relaxes and centers me.
Oh, my god.
What? What if he has The pictures? Psst.
What's goin' on? Oh, artie, I don't know.
He started Readin' his book, And then he came down here And locked himself up In the grip room.
Ok, bev, Why don't you go get-- Oh, some frozen yogurt, yes.
Larry! It's artie.
How you doin', buddy? Believe me, I know how you feel.
I mean, i know You're just-- You're just Completely worn out From writing this book.
But you know, We got about 30 minutes To do the show.
Yeah, well, i'm not Comin' out, artie.
Has this got Anything to do with Me writing a book? You don't get it, artie.
This is not about you.
This is about me.
This is about my life.
I've never seen it All laid out like this, For god's sakes.
It's not interesting, It's fucking pathetic.
It's about nothing But fucking greed and lust And self-loathing And anger.
And let me Tell you somethin'.
That is not what i'm like! Arthur, People are asking Where larry is.
What are you Tellin' them? I told them He went for a walk.
Listen to me.
Come here.
If he comes out, Just grab him, Tackle him, whatever, And then hit The fire alarm, ok? Ok, sweetheart! I'll see you Later, baby.
Mary lou: larry? Who's that? [Sighs] It's mary lou.
What are you doing? God.
God, I hate my fucking life.
Hey, you look so great.
I'm so happy You're here.
How's your dear boy? Oh, he's fine.
Where's larry? Uh, he's changing His wardrobe.
Well, i wanna Do a comedy bit With larry On the panel, But i really wanna Run it by him.
Well, uh, While we're waiting, Why don't you Bounce it off me? Well, no.
I can't do it A million times.
It won't be fresh to me.
Then i'm fucked.
Oh, can't have that.
You are absolutely right.
It must be fresh.
I'll get larry.
In the meantime, Why don't you try The sushi? The freshwater eel Has your name on it.
Hey, marlee.
You know brooke, hey? Ok, i'll get larry.
Thank you.
He is so full of shit.
Larry: mary lou, You don't think I'm just fucking full of Self-loathing, Do you? No.
Artie, what's goin' on? Hey, bruno.
Hey, you lucky dog.
Brooke and marlee, They're askin' for ya.
I-- i don't care About that.
Uh, my assistant just told me That larry's having a breakdown And he's locked himself In a closet? That's a bunch of horse shit.
That's his routine Before the show.
He meditates.
Look, artie, i don't wanna Be here, either, all right? But i'm a professional.
I've managed to keep My mental problems Away from my work.
Hey, bruno, with you, The show is going To glitter, baby.
Come on, will you? You've bumped me I don't give a shit.
I just wish I could come here once And get some Professional treatment.
Larry? Larry? Larry, we have Frozen yogurt for you.
It looks pretty good.
Doesn't it look good, Mary lou? Yeah.
Mary lou, We need a replacement For bruno kirby.
But he's here, Isn't he? No, he threw A tantrum.
He left.
Did i do something wrong In the pre-interview? No, no, no.
We need A replacement.
Let's phone The studio.
Hang in there.
Larry, The frozen yogurt's Melting.
Beverly, i understand There's a problem.
Something i can do? Oh, no, no.
We're, uh, Handling it all right, Uh, james.
Um, I-- i got the chocolates.
What chocolates? Oh, those chocolates You sent me.
Beverly, i didn't Send you any chocolates.
Oh, sure, you did.
You sent me chocolates.
You sent me Those flowers And those shells and I have no idea What you're talking about.
Well, um Oh.
Um, Would you, um Excuse me just, Uh, for a minute? Sure.
Uh, thank you.
Larry: God, i hate my fucking life.
Larry? You want me To steal the book? Shh.
How you folks Doin' tonight? I don't want you To steal the book, I want you To borrow it.
Hank, i can't get The pages.
Why? Why not? Because larry's Got them all, And he's gone And locked himself In the grip room.
Larry's locked In the grip room? Yeah.
[Sighs] Hey, what's up, Foxy lady? Hey.
James wasn't the one Sendin' me all those gifts.
Oh, i-- i know.
How do you know? Because it was me.
It was you? Mm-hmm.
Yeah, but, It was you playin'? Did you realize how i just Embarrassed myself? I'm sorry.
Uh I'm-- i just-- You're sorry? I just didn't-- I just Didn't realize You'd get so Carried away with it.
You know what, brian? If this was The end of next week, I would realize How well you meant, But for right now, You know what? You could take those-- Those chocolates And those shells And you shove 'em Where the sun don't shine.
Oh, and you take The flowers, too.
Larry, it's brooke.
Are you in there? He's so odd.
I went through The same thing with William hurt once.
It was a nightmare.
Arthur, we've got A replacement.
Joyce brothers.
Oh, that's Just great.
[Sneezes] God.
Uh, now we need A guest host On standby.
Uh, call seinfeld.
Roseanne? Busy.
Bill maher? Oh, shit.
They've all written books.
Okay, call my buddy Jon stewart.
What's the matter, Sweetie, huh? Oh, god.
Did we lose Brooke shields? No.
I just found out Who my secret admirer is.
Oh, could it be that Cute executive, james? No.
It's brian.
Our brian? You know, artie, I know he was tryin' To be nice and all, But when a gay man Is the only one Writing you poetry, It makes you Feel like A real charity case.
Oh, sweetie.
I know how you feel.
You know, when My fourth wife quit me, I threw a party But i cried for days When you left me.
So i thought that We would act like We'd been together The night before And had sex And you left something At my apartment, But then it turns out To be totally innocent.
Brooke, That was my idea.
But i'm on first.
Too bad.
But it's really my idea.
But i'm on first.
What did she say? Jack, what did she say? What a cunt.
[Scoffs] Larry.
Are you deaf, Or somethin'? Marlee? Yes.
Look, listen, You gotta come Outta there, larry.
Because there are A lot of people Who really care About you.
That's sweet of you To say, marlee, But i'm-- I'm not coming out.
Larry, i brought some Clips from my movie.
I need to promote it.
I'll handle this.
Larry, it's hank.
Hank kingsley.
Uh, larry, listen.
It's, uh, you know, Come on.
You haven't Missed one yet.
Let's go, buddy.
I'm-- i'm there for ya Because i love ya.
I-- i think you're The greatest.
Ok, listen.
If you don't Wanna come out, Well, how 'bout, Uh, you know, Sliding the pages underneath The, uh-- the door? How about that? Larry: hank, can you-- Can you hear me? I can, buddy.
Larry: go fuck yourself.
Larry, listen.
Did you-- did you put, uh, In that, uh, stuff about me? Larry: buy the book.
Yes, melody, but Don't you think i am aware That we can't run the best of larry? Yes, honey.
Uh, well, wait.
Would you do me a favor And have a good Rest of your evening? It's hard to look At your life, larry.
We all have illusions About ourselves.
Now that you've taken A good hard look At yourself, You can learn.
All i've learned is that I'm a selfish asshole.
There's nothing wrong With a bit Of selfishness.
Who's gonna take care Of larry but larry? Trust me.
I'm a professional Psychologist.
You don't have A large ass.
Say, are we gonna Tape a show today? Because if not, I can still beat The traffic.
Hank, get ready, buddy.
Richard, let's do it.
Start the band.
Artie, uh, you're not Gonna start the show Without larry, Are you? Director: 3, 2 Yes.
[Music plays] Without larry.
Hank: live, on tape From hollywood, the larry sanders show.
Tonight, join larry And his guests, Brooke shields, Marlee matlin, Dr.
Joyce brothers, and me, "Hey, now" hank kingsley.
And now, Because he loves you Like you love him, Larry sanders.
[Applause] He can't help himself.
[Laughs] Larry: thank you.
Thanks a lot.
I'm sorry I'm a little late.
I had trouble Gettin' the noose Off the, uh, chandelier.
Terry, it's artie.
[Laughter] Ha ha ha ha! Would you, Uh, please tell The publisher for me That i've got The final story For my book.
Oh, fuck.