The Larry Sanders Show (1992) s05e11 Episode Script

Pain Equals Funny

[Applause] Bravo! Bravo! Serving up another helping Of the sanders special-- Laugh primavera.
What are you Talking about? The monologue Was shit.
It was fine.
The audience loved it.
I haven't been Stared at like that Since the last time I had sex.
Ok, it was A shit monologue.
When i find phil, I will introduce his ass To my good friend Mr.
I don't think you need To look much further.
[Giggling] That tickles.
Now it's my turn To tickle you.
Phil! Hey, what the hell Is this, plato's retreat? Artie, sorry.
This is jessica.
Hello, jessica.
And this is larry.
I'd shake hands With you, But you were touching Phil's feet.
Come here, phil.
We want to talk to you.
Yeah, sure.
The monologue Was weak, phil.
It was a shit crowd.
It's been a shit crowd For a week and a half.
How long you been seein' That young lady? A weekAnd a half.
Well, the monologue Was weak.
It was a shit crowd! Have you been Hypnotized recently? Why? Because i don't think This is getting Through to you.
How many different ways Can i put it? The monologue was weak, It was shit, It was not funny, It was early conan.
I want you to start working On tomorrow night's Monologue right now.
Ok, but if i start now, It's gonna be stale By tomorrow afternoon.
Have you joined A cult? What?! Yeah, the pussy cult.
Whenever i'm getting pussy, I'm not funny.
Well, you're Never funny.
Ok, i will start writing The monologue Just as soon as i see Jessica's band.
She's playing At the viper room.
Oh, the viper room.
That'll put you In the mood To write comedy.
No one ever died there When it was chasens.
That's very funny.
[Laughing] Come on.
Nice meeting you.
[Laughing] Phil seems happy.
Real happy.
Real fucking happy.
Too fucking happy To write a joke.
Excuse me, arthur, Hank would like to See you for a minute.
It's important.
I'll be right back.
Hey, except For the weak monologue, Very good show.
Did you enjoy fishbone? Huh? I loved fishbone.
You were right.
They're terrific.
And the notes for billy zane Were to your liking? Yeah, your notes Are always good.
I couldn't do The interviews Without your notes Because i don't have A natural curiosity About people.
That brings me to me.
Yeah? Where are The notes on you? I've been offered a job Producing carol and marilyn: real friends.
Who are they? The mommies.
They have a daytime show now.
Why would you want to do A daytime show? Granted, daytime Doesn't thrill me, But it would give me The opportunity to produce, And, as i've told you About a million times, That's what i want to do.
A little more money? Yeah, the big bucks Are in daytime tv.
So when would you Be leaving? At the end of the week.
Well, that's Awfully soon.
I know, but i think We have enough people To handle the load.
Becky's great, And i love harriet.
I don't even know Which one is harriet.
You'll learn their names Within the year.
I don't want you To go.
And i don't want to go, But i've been here 5 years, And i can only derive A limited amount Of personal satisfaction From booking The parrot lady.
All right.
What if i Made you a producer? Are you serious? Yeah.
What would artie say? Artie'll be fine With it.
Artie will remain The executive producer.
You'll work Right under him.
But i would do more? I would produce? I would produce This show With artie? We-- we'll Work it out And you'll be Producer.
Ok! Ok.
Ok! What's up, hank? Brian said you had Something important To tell me? Here, artie.
Catch! Come on.
Come on.
Come on.
Throw it back.
Christ, hank.
Now, isn't this fun? Oh, ho! Ho! Ho! The music stopped! The music stopped! What music? You win the prize.
What prize? Well, i came up With an idea On how To use that guy During the warm-up, And i just think It's gonna be A whole lot of fun.
It's called "Hank's hot potato.
" Uh-huh.
There is a twist.
You see, I throw this guy Out into the crowd, And they toss it around As the band plays, But when The music stops, Whoever has it Wins the prize.
But, hank, In hot potato, The idea is to get rid Of the potato Before the music stops.
I know.
That's the twist.
But if they get a prize When they have it, Why would anybody Throw it away? Hey, larry's Gettin' killed out there The last few nights.
I'm just tryin' to help.
How 'bout This one then? Larry says, "i was shocked To see the tabloids Have now linked me sexually To both my hands.
" It's not gonna work.
Why? You know larry only does The jerk-off jokes That he writes.
Oh, yeah, that's right.
What are you doin' here This early? Jessica dumped me.
What happened? I don't know.
I mean, We're at the viper room, I told her her band Was great, And then The next minute we're out In the parking lot, And she tells me I make her sick.
Sorry to hear that, Man.
Yeah, that's too bad.
We have to write The monologue now.
Phil: Hey, how about this? It's just been discovered That crop circles Are caused by gophers And not aliens.
These gophers Are also suspected Of kidnapping farmers And subjecting them To painful medical probes.
That's funny.
That's a keeper.
Yeah, let's write The rest of it.
Don't bother.
I already did.
Ah! You're wearing My favorite cologne-- "Hilarity by larry sanders" Hey, listen, there's Something i did today I wanted To mention to you.
What's that? I made paula a producer.
UhBecause, uh She was going to, um Actually leave the show If i didn't, And i think, this'll This'll be good.
I don't think We wanted to lose her.
She'll work Right under you, And, uh, i think She'll be a big help.
She was offered a job On the mommies.
I said it's fine.
Hank: And, by the way, I'm a dead man For telling you-- Larry sanders! [Applause] Did you see this? E! Entertainment Just fired the actor Who portrayed o.
Simpson In the o.
Civil trial Reenactment show That they have, And they've already Found a replacement For the $625-a-week job.
He's doin' great.
Congratulations On your promotion, paula.
Oh, thank you.
Thank you.
You don't mind if i stand here With you, do you? Where else would The new producer stand? I'm really looking forward To working with you.
I remember When i made my move.
I was just about Your age.
I was working For the great one, Jackie gleason, And i got an offer From red skelton, So i went out To the golf course, I found jackie, And i said, "Make me a producer, Or i'm out of here.
" So he put me Under the tutelage of The great bob sterling.
Did you learn a lot? Oh, yes, and in 6 months, I replaced him.
You don't have to worry About that.
Ha! That's exactly What i said to bob sterling.
Larry: the farmer who discovered The crop circles Said it was also gophers Who submitted him And subjected him, rather, To the painful anal probes.
[Laughter and applause] No flipping.
We'll be right back With all of our Wonderful guests.
[Applause] Director: clear! Hey.
Those jokes killed.
What's up with phil? The gal dumped him, And as we know, "Pain equals funny.
" Well, i hope Our whole staff gets dumped.
Maybe we'd win An emmy now and then.
How true.
Shaq o'neal's Limo's caught in traffic.
Funny monologue.
Thank you.
Shaq o'neal is late, So i think we should go Right into david spade.
Well, larry's gonna talk To angie for 2 segments, And then he'll talk To david spade.
Spade's got Some very funny stories.
Better than Skinny-dipping with jfk In the white house Swimming pool? Hey, look, i can flirt With either of them, so Don't worry about it.
It's just a suggestion.
Good luck The rest of the show.
Director: 10 seconds! Is this a problem? For me? No.
Hey, You're cookin', lad.
Get 'em.
[Applause] We're back.
There she is-- The producer.
Look, we didn't get To help celebrate Your promotion yesterday, So we went all out This morning.
Aww, you know how well I react to gestures Of sentimentality.
Then blow out the candle.
Girl, give 'em hell.
Larry: but if you win For holding it, Then why would anyone Throw it? You still don't Get it, do you? Hey, phil, good job On the monologue jokes Last night.
Thank you.
What's wrong? You've never Thanked me before.
Well, the jokes Were never that good before.
Well, thanks.
Whatever you're doin', Keep doin' it.
Now, how does This thing work? Uh, this is The larry sanders Joke kit.
Hank gives you A setup, And you fill it in With the flashcards.
Sounds hilarious.
Let's try one.
Ok, may we proceed Please? Larry, you're on.
Thank you.
"I know many of you Watch me night after night.
" "I know i do, larry.
" That's funny.
Is this the way It's gonna be lit later on? That's the way It's always been, paula.
This is standard Desk-piece lighting.
Could we Just try this? Yeah, but he looks Kind of green to me.
Well, i had A bad piece of fish.
The lighting's perfecto.
Let's go.
Thank you.
I think that we should Throw a little red in there.
Paula, if you throw Any red on larry's face, He's gonna look Like the cleveland Indians' mascot.
Yeah, but without it, He looks ill.
I think we've Always been too green.
Could we just Try the red and Move on with this? Right.
Where-- Where's he going? [Mumbles] [Rock music playing] [Turns off music] Jessica? Phil.
Are you busy? Maybe.
What do you want? We found arthur.
Oh, thank god.
Was he At that strip club By the airport? No, he was home.
Well, maybe I should call him.
No, i wouldn't call him If i were you.
He, um, Had a few drinks.
Hey! Sandler's here.
Martha stewart's Making chicken stock, And you need To go through make-up.
Well, help me Pick out a tie.
Which one do you like? I don't know.
Artie picks out my ties.
It's a tie.
Pick one.
I have to do a show In 40 minutes.
I don't have time To pick out a tie.
Hey! Look at this one.
It's perfect.
You don't think That'll make my face Look puffy? It's a tie.
You put it on, And you go to make-up.
Paula, i have To talk to you.
I'm very busy.
I'm sorry.
I am sorry.
Just listen to me.
This is important.
I asked phil to write Some patter For the debut Of "hank's hot potato," But i hardly think He has captured The spirit of fun With this kind Of dialogue.
[Clears throat] "I'm sure everyone here Loves the old game Hot potato, "But i'll bet you're Going to like it even more "When i tell you That i just pulled This potato "Right out Of my big fat ass.
" Then the audience, In unison, shouts, "Hey, now, hank, Go fuck yourself.
" I mean, the audience Isn't even supposed To have lines.
Beverly: Excuse me, paula, Sid said that phil Did not give him The monologue.
Oh, christ! Use another word.
Well, who-- who's-- Who's dealing With my hot potato Problem? Is that addressed to me? Pardon me? I'm not the cook here.
Have you seen phil? He'll be right back.
He went to The kitchenette.
I don't think we've met.
I'm paula.
I produce the show.
Hey, paula.
So, heard you guys Played the viper room The other night.
We kicked ass.
Maybe you could kick ass On our show sometime.
Really? Yeah.
Have you, uh, Seen the band? I don't need to.
Listen, um, phil Writes better and faster When he's unhappy, And we don't have Tonight's monologue.
Do you understand What i'm saying? Where's the kitchenette? That way.
This holiday, The biggest selling toy Was the "tickle me elmo," Which oddly enough Was also That was your pick-up phrase In the seventies, wasn't it? entertainment weekly Published their list Of 101 most powerful people In hollywood.
I'm not on the list, But i'm very proud to say That numbers 17 and 56 Hate me and won't Take my calls.
[Laughter] Ha.
He's killin'.
[Crying] This is the craziest chick That i have ever met.
I mean, one minute, She's fine, The next minute She's crazy.
It's like A fucking roller coaster.
I think she's hot.
No, really, I'm confident.
[Laughter And applause] I want you to know What a great job You did today.
Thank you.
Look, um, i can't Do this to artie.
Wait a minute.
Are you firing me? Look, i-- i'll do Anything i can for you, And if you want Your old job back-- I don't want My old job back! I don't believe this! I don't blame you For being angry.
I'm sorry.
I-- i just can't-- What, did i push too hard? Did i do something wrong? Did i not produce the show? It isn't you! It's him.
He's a big fucking baby, And i guess He just can't handle it, SoIs the job At the mommies filled? the mommies? I don't know! It's probably still open! Who the fuck wants To produce the mommies? Come on! Listen, um, I'm gonna-- I'm gonna tell You something That i wouldn't tell you Of you weren't leaving.
Is it gonna Hurt my feelings? No, i don't think It's gonna hurt your feelings.
I-- i happen To really like you.
I mean, um You know, I'm not a happy man.
I know that i hide it Pretty well, But the truth is, I could always Look forward to you Kind of making me smile And Me? Yeah.
In an odd way, I thought we've always Understood each other.
You and me? And i wouldn't say this To someone, You know, That i was working with, But i really like you, Paula.
So maybe we can Go out to dinner Or something When this is all, You know I don't think so.
Why not? I'm not your type.
My breasts are real.
You know, i could Get used to that.
Do you like me? I mean, if you weren't Workin' with me Sure.
I like you.
My god, You've got a wall up-- Ok! We'll go to dinner! Good! Fine! I'd like To go to dinner.
Don't be so uptight.
Well, i've never been Fired like this before! We're gonna have Such a good time.
[Knock on door] Well, well, well! The great larry sanders! May i come in? Why not? entrez vous.
Well, you missed Nothing tonight.
The show was horrible.
Yeah? Interviews were bad, The lighting On the desk piece Was way too red.
My face looked like That indian chief in Chief wahoo.
Who? The cleveland indians' Mascot, chief wahoo.
I swear to go, artie, It was awful.
The show can't function Without you.
Oh, come on.
You're kiddin'.
You gotta come back.
Larry, i saw the show Tonight on my satellite dish.
Damn it, It was excellent.
Except for your tie.
You shouldn't Wear stripes, sonny.
They strobe and make Your face look puffy.
When did you, uh, Get a satellite dish? I've had it About a month.
Really? I was just watching Some australian rules football.
You want to stay? I also got I'll have a beer.
I don't believe this, paula.
It's really unfair.
I guess things Just don't work out.
Oh, can i have Your stapler? Brian! Excuse me.
Paula, May i speak to you? Yes, sir.
Suppose you got What you wanted, huh? What i want is to do The best possible show.
You know, when i was A young lad working For jackie gleason, i We discussed this already.
Well, not this part.
I told you About bob sterling, But what i didn't Tell you is he was An absolute asshole.
I was just a young kid Trying to learn, And he was threatened.
And i swore I'd never be like that, And yesterday i acted Like bob sterling.
I threatened you? Aw, come on.
Look at you.
You're young, you're Bright, you're pretty.
That's what i was When larry first saw me.
I hate myself.
You got a sense Of humor to boot.
You know, paula, You were pushing Just a little too hard.
I still think There are a few tricks This old producer Might teach you.
I'd like that.
So i can stay? Well, i'm sure that's What larry would want.
Good, then i'm gonna stay.
buenos dias, jefe! Morning.
I had a talk With paula.
Yeah? She said last night She saw a side of you That she'd never seen.
She said you're A really sweet guy.
Oh, she's sweet, too.
What the-- What is she doing here? I talked her into staying.
Isn't that great? No, that's not great.
I told her That i really liked her.
I wouldn't have done that If i'd known she was staying.
[Groans] We have no monologue.