The Larry Sanders Show (1992) s05e12 Episode Script

The Roast

Hey, artie.
Norman! How goes it, buddy? All right.
I thought i smelled A publicity man On the premises.
Listen, I have a list here Of the people For larry's roast On saturday.
I wanted to run it By larry.
Aw, come on, norman.
We don't want larry to deal With planning this thing.
There's lots of egos Involved here.
There's bound to be Some problems.
Let me see the list.
Hey, this is great! I love roasts.
I remember the night They did totie fields.
I think i heard Every one-legged joke There ever was that night.
Oh, totie, honey, We miss you.
I think larry's Gonna love this.
Make sure they have Key lime pie.
That's larry's favorite.
I think it's gonna Be fun, you know? I think a roast, It's like A rite of passage for Every hollywood star.
Oh, norman, Norman, i just called The beverly hilton And i booked The banquet room For saturday.
Beverly, Thank you so much.
You are welcome.
A roast sounds Like so much fun.
I've never been To one before.
Why don't you-- you know, Beverly, get her a ticket.
Really? Yeah.
Come on, let's Go in my office And discuss this list.
What should i wear? Is it formal? Oh, my god, girl, If you're going To a roast, I gotta take you Shopping, teach you How to dress.
Artie, i heard about The roast for larry, And i would Like to be Roast master.
You mean You wanna host.
I believe Technically It's called Roast mastering, And, oh, boy, I would love To do it.
Hey, We're ready for you.
I'm coming.
Let's go.
All right.
Well, thanks for Your interest, buddy, But i believe We're gonna go With carl reiner.
You know, He's a good friend.
I mean, he's He's a superb host, And i needn't Remind you that he is A legendary comedian.
Oh, carl reiner! Come on! That whole stand-up Thing is a It's just over.
I mean, "have you noticed This," and "have you Noticed that?" I could do fucking stand-up In my sleep.
UmHillary clinton May be bill clinton's First lady, But she is not His first lay.
Ha ha ha.
See? I notice stuff, Too.
I just don't Write it down And go to some Moth-eaten nightclub And repeat it.
Thanks for reminding me.
I gotta ask jim ferguson To be here, you know.
Larry started At the laugh shop.
Well, come on.
Come on.
Let-- let me be The roast master.
The host, you know, He has to handle The hecklers And keep the show Moving.
It's a hard job, And with this crowd, I don't think You're built for it, Baby.
You don't think that I can handle hecklers? Hank! Yeah, i'm coming.
I'm talking to arthur.
Yeah, no shit.
With all due Respect, arthur, I'd like to get This done some Time today, please.
Come on.
I'll show you.
Heckle me.
Go ahead.
Listen, i'm very busy, And i got a sore throat.
Come on! Heckle me! Come on, don't worry, Hit me hard.
Get off the stage, Ya fucking moron! I've taken shits More interesting Than you are! You're nothin' But larry sanders' Personal fuck-bitch! So shut your fucking fat face And get your goddamn bloated ass Off the stage, Motherfucker! [Breathes heavily] Oh, jesus, artie.
Good comeback.
Hank! Aw, shut up! Shut up and leave me Alone, phil! I'll come when I'm goddamn ready! Larry's waiting.
I have to go.
Uh, can we have this Conversation later? No.
All right.
Fucking pig.
It takes time.
Dana, you have to Be there.
I'm sorry, man, I'm just-- I'm real busy.
Busy doing what? You know, movies, Television.
I'm writing a movie Right now, And i'm doing Stand-up dates.
I'm busy.
You know, this roast, It's gonna be a pisser.
What press Is gonna be there? There's gonna be Lots of press there! Right.
Look, dana, You're larry's Best friend, And you can Go on third.
You mean after His other best friend, Jeffrey dahmer? Jeffrey dahmer is dead.
He's unavailable.
I know.
That's the joke.
What are you, in p.
? Hel-lo! Look, you can do Your telegram bit, You know, where The famous people Send all the telegrams, And you read them.
You can do All your voices.
I thought larry Hated that bit.
No, larry loves That bit.
OhOh Ok, i'll do it, But i'm not gonna Go on after bruno kirby, Because he owes me money And he never brings it up.
Oh, bill! Hey.
Thanks for Doing our show.
We're very happy To have you.
Oh, thank you.
On saturday night, There's going to be A roast for larry, And i'm sure He would just love it If you were there To help turn the spit.
UmThe thing is, I've been having Kind of a tough time Getting him to commit To doing politically incorrect Next month.
Well, i Think i can Arrange that.
You're free Saturday night? I'm as free Saturday night As he is next month.
Ha ha! I'll have someone Arrange the day.
Oh, i'm so glad, Because larry Will be very pleased.
Come on, artie, He's a friend, You know? You do things For a friend.
I thought carl reiner Was hosting larry's roast.
No, that's not Confirmed.
But if i can prove To artie That i can handle Hecklers, He'll let me be The roast master.
Here's the deal.
When someone says Something to you, All you gotta do is come back With a dick-related insult.
That's it.
Give me an example.
Guy says something, You say, "Oh, looks like So-and-so took his Dick out of his mouth Long enough To speak up.
" Ha ha ha.
Now, by so-and-so, Do you mean The person heckling? Yes.
I'd better Write this down.
OhWhat if the Heckler's a woman? Well, same thing.
You talk about her dick.
Makes 'em crazy.
This stuff's Just good to have In real life.
Do you have A few more? Yeah.
You could say, Uh "Speak up.
Only the people at your table Know you're an asshole.
" Ha ha ha! And you could say, "I don't come down To your job "And knock the dick Outta your mouth While you're Trying to work.
" Hey, that's a good one Because it both Zings the guy's job And his dick.
I gotta go.
Well, you can blow me Like everyone else On table.
At your table.
Are you on Something? A little bit.
Bill maher's a maybe.
Bruno kirby's yes.
Jon stewart, he's in, But he wants to sit Next to larry So there won't appear To be any tension Between them.
He's very Manipulative.
Dennis miller's A no.
He's up in san francisco.
He's doing another Fucking hbo special.
Wait a minute.
He told me he was Going on vacation.
Why do they have To lie that way? Hey, stevie! Gentlemen.
Mike ovitz, Eating lunch This far away from me, Did not look good.
You didn't hear it From me, all right? That's a swell story, Stevie, But what's the latest News from roastville? Dennis miller passed.
He's very sick.
He's in the hospital.
Christ! It's like He wants to be caught.
That's weird.
Larry: Hey, fellas.
How's it going? You get cosby? Very close.
We're working On it, boss.
In the meantime, i got you Jerry fucking seinfeld, larry.
Ok, great That is great.
Keep up The good work.
[Door closes] You really got seinfeld? Fucking-a.
That is wonderful.
And we also got Kip addota.
Who's he? Very simply, He's the guy We had to take To get jerry fucking seinfeld.
[Door opens] You guys In charge of the roast? Yeah.
Maybe you can Help me.
What the fuck Is this shit? I do not go on last.
Who are you? Kip addota.
Of course you are! I came up with A lot of heckles.
I'm just not sure They're what you want.
SoWhy don't you Look them over first? No! You're a heckler.
If i read your Heckles first, That defeats The whole purpose.
Fire away.
Get off the stage, You jerk! Don't listen to him, Everyone.
He's just saying that Because he's hung Like a mosquito.
Is mosquito right? Shouldn't it be Hung like a bee? Bee.
No, i don't Do those anymore.
Listen, if you Don't host this, I'll have to give it To hank kingsley.
I see what Your problem is.
I'm sorry.
I don't do roasts.
You've got to! You owe me! I owe you for what? For "the 2,000-year-old man.
" We know that was my idea.
Your idea was to tell Mel not to do it With a jewish accent.
No, my idea was to Tell you not to do it With a jewish accent.
Look, i'll do it Just to get out of This conversation.
Ha ha ha ha! Yeah! Hank.
I just spoke To carl reiner.
He's hosting the roast.
Aw, that's not fair.
That's not fair At all.
God damn it! That is not fair.
Come on, hank.
Be a man.
I'm not going.
Come on, buddy.
You'll still be On the dais.
You'll still Get to speak.
If i can't be Roast master, I don't wanna go.
You go, Have a good time.
I'll be fine.
Get me a damp cloth And a cyanide tablet.
Is he on something? A little bit.
Ok, artie, here is The final list For the roast.
Norm crosby! Always funny.
Al franken.
He's witty, Topical.
Oh, by the way, I changed my mind About jon stewart.
I think he should sit As far away from larry As possible.
He can sit In his goddamn car For all i care.
Oh, you got dana carvey.
That's terrific.
That way there'll be Someone there Who'll say something nice About larry.
A lot of friends of mine In my little schizophrenic world Couldn't be here, But they sent telegrams, lar.
[Imitating larry, whining] Ok, i'm touching my ass.
All right.
I said i wouldn't start.
No, here's actually A telegram, uh A telegram From george bush, And i'll just give you A little rendering.
This is from george bush To larry tonight.
[Imitating bush] "Sorry i couldn't make it To your roast, lar, "But i'm bone-fishin' With barb.
Get it? Bone? Barb? Fishin'?" And he said, "One more thing.
Tell hank to shut The fuck up.
" Oh, here's one From johnny carson.
He sent it in A sealed envelope.
I guess it was supposed To be sorta like [Imitating carson] "Shave my head With a cheese grater "Get a barium enema, And check dom deluise's Ball sack for lumps.
" "Name 3 things I'd rather do than Go to larry's roast.
And p.
, Tell hank that ed said To shut the fuck up.
" I just wanna say To bruno kirby, You owe me 250 bucks, You little prick.
Where is he? Oh, there he is.
And, larry, you're great.
[Imitating larry] How's my hair? How's my ass? Thank you very much.
You guys have been great.
Enjoy the rest Of the show.
Dana carvey, Ladies and gentlemen.
What a shame.
Larry's best friend And lover, Ending it here, Where they started, At the beverly hilton.
I remember the first time I met larry.
He was giving dana A heimlich maneuver In the restaurant Right over there.
I remember saying to him, "Larry, why don't you Two guys put some Clothes on? "The rest of us are eating! We're eating here, And you're making us nauseous.
" No, not these two guys.
They wouldn't stop.
Had to call the fire Department to hose 'em off.
But i could talk about Larry sanders all night.
The great thing About larry sanders Is that he never Exploited the fact That he was a homosexual.
He was gay, he was proud, But he didn't shove it Down anybody's throat.
And i think In this town You know, rip taylor Didn't have to throw So much confetti right on me.
I don't think He did it on purpose.
Most of it hit you When he tripped over The microphone cord.
Remind me to send him Some flowers at the Hospital tomorrow.
I always wanted to be Mistaken for gay, you know? Because they're always The best-looking guys.
Why is that? Does a guy become gay And then become Great-looking automatically? Or do great-lookin' guys Just look in the mirror One day and go, "Oh, christ, i'm not Wastin' this on chicks!" He's doing his act.
He's killing.
Yeah, well, he's supposed To make fun of me.
What is that about? I must be honest with you.
I recently had, For the first time In my life, A rectal exam.
I'd never before had I'd never before had Anything up my ass.
This is not a good exam.
Have you ever had This exam? They literally put A camera Up-- luckily, The camera loves me.
Larry sanders and i are lovers And have been for 11 years.
Ha ha ha.
Who the fuck is that? That's kip addota.
Huh? We had to get him In order to get Seinfeld.
Where's seinfeld? The bastard cancelled An hour ago.
Kip:Cold water.
But larry would always Advise me.
He'd say, "kip, As long as what you do Does not hurt you And does not hurt me, No one has any right To judge us for it.
" Like today-- We put salt on our asses [Laughter] And we drove out To that petting zoo.
Why is he Doing this to me? Oh, come on.
It's what they do At roasts.
It just sounds worse When it's about you.
Oh, really? Well, then i owe carrot top A big apology for last year, Don't i? Remember when i said He would suck a cock Doing a sack race? I was such a moron.
I only meant it To be funny.
You know that.
I got to send him an apology.
What show is he on now? He's doing a kid's show On saturday.
Larry found work On a poultry farm, Taking blind turkeys Out to shit.
This asshole's running long.
They're all going long.
[Laughter] Even way back in those days, Larry always promoted Safe sex.
I remember He had me go around And tag all the sheep That kicked.
Ok, anyway, i've been asked To inject some class Into this evening.
But first, i'd like to thank The hotel for having us here.
You see, this thing was sort of Like a last-minute thing, And, uh, And tom arnold's asshole Was booked, so Oh, yes, The great carl reiner! Ha ha ha! Thank you, hank.
Thank you, hank.
Thank you very much.
That's the kind of Quick wit and jest That keeps you On larry's couch.
Ha ha ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha.
Ah, yes.
Our next guest is A favorite from-- Oh, he's a favorite Of everyone From a hundred To 300 years old.
No, he's actually A favorite of larry's, But no one else's.
Please welcome-- And let's hope he can Hear this introduction-- Norm crosby! I thought you said cosby.
I said crosby Right from The very start.
You must have Misunderstood me.
Crosby: what a night.
Thank you very much, carl.
I gotta tell you, You are absolutely Adequate.
When i first met Larry sanders, He was screwing my cousin.
[Laughter] And i didn't even know That he knew harvey.
[Laughter] But he looks great.
Larry always looks great.
He's on that new Hollywood agent diet.
You can only eat While you're being eaten.
[Scattered laughter] He is an extremely Bright man.
He always was.
He knows things That most people Don't know.
He knows, for example, The similarity Between eggs benedict And oral sex.
You justNever Seem to be able To get 'em at home.
Gee, what an honor to To be here, Uh, roasting larry.
It's a great cause.
[Laughter] Earlier this year, I did the white house Correspondence dinner, And after the dinner, The president came up to me-- We're kinda friends-- And he said that He asked me who i thought Might be good For next year's dinner, And i said, you know, larry.
I recommended larry, And he said, "Gee, i don't know.
" I remember exactly What the president said.
He said, "larry sanders Doing his act For a half an hour? I'd rather have al gore Fuck me in the ass.
" Ladies and gentlemen, Bruno kirby.
Hey! What the fuck Am i doing here? I'm an actor.
We do 2 different things.
Comedians jerk off.
I work.
Isn't he supposed To be talking about me? Yeah.
Characters like That little shit, dana carvey.
And i don't owe you $250, pal.
You owe me $250.
The key lime pie Is delicious.
This is the worst Fucking night of my life.
And that was chocolate cake.
Fuckers! Ladies and gentlemen, Jon stewart.
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
I have to say, It is an honor To be here With carl reiner, A legend who can Look back on a lifetime Of bringing people laughter, As opposed to larry Who's just old.
Um But they say That larry is self-centered.
And i don't think so, Honestly, 'Cause if larry Could blow himself, well He wouldn't need hank, I guess.
Um Hey, why don't you Speak up? Only the people at your table Know you're an asshole.
[Silence] Oh, my-- hank, is that A heckler's retort? Leave me alone.
I don't come to your job And knock the dick Out of your ass.
Hank, are you On something? A little bit.
Look at this.
Hank's gonna ruin Larry's night.
It'll all Turn out fine Once larry sees Who the surprise Guest is.
Is he backstage? Yes.
I'm wetting myself.
Hang in there, buddy.
It's almost over.
You'll be on Right after hank.
So, going great.
This is a fucking nightmare.
Oh, you know you love it.
Dump hank.
You got it.
Reiner:Because this man Deserves this kind Of an evening.
And i dare say If he called me again [Pats back] Hank, we gotta Bump ya, buddy.
Oh, why? Well, it's going Way over, you know? I'm sorry, sweetie.
That's the way it is.
No way.
No way.
I had to sit through Their bullshit.
Keep your voice down, Will ya? No, i won't.
I mean, you can Bump me You can bump me From the show, But you can't Shut me up.
Aw, man.
Fuck-- fuck you, artie.
Just-- just fuck you, man.
Fuck me? Fuck you.
Arthur: you'd better Calm down right now Or i'll take you down.
Oh, the big man With the threats.
What are you gonna do? Why don't you take A swing at me? I'm not gonna Do that.
Come on, you pussy.
Why don't you do it? Come on.
Come on, big man.
Go ahead, big man.
And don't you push me.
Oh, come on, Come o-- ooh! Listen.
Listen to me Right now.
You'll either behave yourself, Or i'm gonna snap your neck Like a butter bean.
Oh, don't hurt me.
That's-- that's hank and-- Hank and artie doing their-- Their mating dance.
Arthur: you'll Behave yourself? Yes, yes, yes.
Sit down There.
All right.
Get down there.
Go on.
As you can see, The evening is winding down.
Look away, please.
Avert your eyes.
[Laughter] What are you Lookin' at? You're a special man, Larry sanders.
Thank you.
But before you speak, We have one last surprise.
Ladies and gentlemen, Carrot top! [Yells] How are ya? No, have a seat.
All right.
No, stay seated, please.
Stay seated.
Ok, come on, guys.
I thought i had the stuff.
Here we go.
I brought stuff.
I thought you-- God, i thought my hair was big.
You have a huge head.
All right, here we go.
I made this to wear When i go out lookin' For girls.
This way, i'm the best-lookin' One in the group.
Hey, all right.
See, it's larry-- Larry and-- that sucked.
I'll get rid of that one.
Hey, this is great.
It's a plate-- ha ha! It's a It's a plate for bulimics.
See, they can eat [Retching] [Applause] Wow.
You know, it's now Time to pay tribute To a man Who needs no introduction-- And definitely Not his own tv show, But as you can see, That's too fucking late-- Please welcome The man of the hour, Or as most women Known him as The minute man-- Please welcome Larry sanders.
[Whooping] Good job.
That was great.
[Scattered applause] Thank you.
Uh, first of all Let me start by saying That everyone i love Is here tonight, And, um What an honor.