The Last Man On Earth (2015) s04e02 Episode Script

Stocko Syndrome

1 Previously on The Last Man on Earth I'm Pamela.
- In here, in here, or in here, or in here - (LAUGHING) CAROL: She's all over my husband.
PAMELA: I overheard what you said about cutting me loose.
I'll take real good care of Tandy.
Bye! Look on the bright side.
We have our very own island.
(TANDY STRAINING) (PANTING) ("Sailing" by Christopher Cross playing) PAMELA: Well, hello there.
Ah, I love this song.
Well, it's not far down to paradise At least it's not for me If the wind is right Come on, sing with me.
You wish.
Fine, be a song-pooper.
Open your mouth, 'cause I'm gonna put an ear in it.
(LAUGHING) Sorry, I know that was a little corny.
(LAUGHING) Well, this guy liked it.
(SILLY VOICE): I love that joke, heh-heh-heh.
(LAUGHS) What's your endgame here, Pamela? You think if you feed me enough corn, I'm just gonna suddenly forget that you stranded my pregnant wife on a deserted island? Need I remind you, your pregnant wife If she is indeed pregnant Was planning to ditch me the second they hit land.
Oh, please.
If you think you have any kind of shot with me, you're insizzy in the membrizzy.
Then I guess you've never heard of Stockholm syndrome? Of course I have.
But, uh, for G-Gary, will you explain it? Sure.
Gary, Stockholm syndrome is when a hostage starts to sympathize with their captor Uh, uh, with their captor! Yeah, uh-huh.
Know it well.
(WHISPERS): That's never gonna happen.
Well, it is very common.
In fact, sometimes people even fall in love.
Oh, you'd love that, wouldn't you?! Wait a minute.
She'd love that, wouldn't she? Gary, call the doctor and tell him to put on a fresh pot of coffee, 'cause the Tandyman's feeling a little under the weather.
Yeah, looks like I'm coming down with "Stocko syndome.
" Well, I can barely see the yacht anymore.
What do I do?! What do I do?! There's no time to panic.
Just have to figure out a plan.
Melissa's right.
Okay, let's see.
Erica, quick, hand me that fondue pot.
Uh, Jasper, that chocolate bar.
Now, has anybody seen any matches? Todd, are you sure you're working on a plan? 'Cause it sounds like you're just making chocolate fondue.
It's called brain food, Gail.
I mean, it's like you never made a plan before.
You know.
Am-am I alone on this? (BRANCH SNAPS) What the gol is that? - (LEAVES RUSTLING) - ERICA: Hello? Somebody there? MAN (WHISPERS): Ow.
Show yourself! TODD: Stay here.
I'm gonna check it out.
MELISSA: Be careful, Todd.
MAN: Stop right there.
Okay.
What the hell is he doing? Good God, he's going right in there.
Oh, I don't like the looks of this.
(SHOUTING) (SCREAMING, GASPING) TODD: It's okay, guys! He just wants to touch everybody's faces.
- No, no.
- No, no, no.
- Ah - Oh, you're real.
- TODD: Hey, guys, this is, uh, Glenn.
I-I'm sorry, I just, I I never thought this day would come.
I I I-I'm being I'm being rescued.
I'm going home.
I'm going home! (GLENN WHOOPS, CHUCKLES) When does your boat come back? Guys? (TALKING QUIETLY) (QUIETLY): Okay, Gary, here goes nothing.
(LOUDLY): Gary how long have we been on this boat? I mean, it feels like months, but that can't be right.
I mean, I'm so disoriented.
Up is down, day is night hate is love.
I feel so different in so many ways.
Take, for instance, Carol.
I mean, I care about her, but it's feeling more like a friendship now.
And you're not gonna believe this, but you know that woman Pamela from the boat? Man, I'm crushing on her so hard right now.
Yes, it's a boner, Gary.
You'd get one, too, if you couldn't stop thinking about Pamela.
(SOBBING): Oh, God, I'm so confused.
Look, until I can sort out my feelings, I'm just gonna keep on pretending like I hate Pamela.
Oh, my God, she's coming, she's coming, she's coming.
Tandy? You hungry? Get bent! Wow, you sound like you're very upset with me.
Duh, duh! Still thinking about what's her name? Her name, for your information, is Pamela uh, Karen Carol! Oh, that's right Carol Andrew Pil-Pamela Uh, basian! Pilbasian! Carol Pamela Pilbasian! Carol Andrew Pilbasian! Get out of here! Get out of here! All right, if that's what you want.
(WHISPERS): That's what I want.
The trap's been set.
Looks like our mouse has a weakness for cheese.
Tandy cheese.
Tandy! Tandy! So, this is my place.
This is the main living quarters over here, and I have a seating area right there.
And my toilet's right there, where Todd's standing.
Geez.
(CLEARS THROAT) What's this? That is really nothing.
Oh, gosh, I know what this probably looks like to you, but this is not a sex doll.
Okay, I was lonely, and I created her to have someone to talk to.
Oh.
And then the lines did blur, and she became a sex doll.
But she did not start as a sex doll, okay? And I think that that's an important distinction.
You can probably tell that I modeled her after Eva Mendes.
Yeah, she was a beautiful woman.
Was? What do you mean? Oh, no.
She didn't have a bunch of work done, did she? Uh uh, Glenn, how long have you been on this island? About five years.
Oh, my God.
Is there something you're not telling me? What happened to her face? It - died.
- TODD: Yeah.
And her body joined it.
GLENN: Oh, God, no.
How did that happen? No, no, don't tell me.
I do not handle death well.
Gosling must be devastated.
Well, I hope your brows are ready Latisse time.
(CHUCKLES) Hey, girl.
I guess you're not mad at me anymore.
Oh, I'm super mad! And I want to give you a spanking.
Get over here.
This is moving a little faster than I thought.
Yeah? Well, I haven't even hit second gear.
Well, it's not far down to paradise At least it's not for me If the wind is right, you can sail away And find tranquility Oh BOTH: The canvas can do miracles Just you wait and see Believe me Sailing Takes me away To where I've always Heard it could be Just a dream and the wind to carry me And soon I will be free.
Oh, Tandy, tell me this isn't a trick.
Trix are for kids, and I'm 43 years old.
I wasn't born yesterday, you know.
Good, 'cause I would never do this to a baby.
(PAMELA MOANING) Tandy.
Tandy.
Yes, my love? Do you think that there's a chance that that I bought any of that? Bought what, my love? Stop it! I was alone in a bunker for three years, so you'll excuse me if I'm Michael Jackson's doctor right now All out of patience.
Please don't shoot me.
Please don't please, please Let me be direct.
You're mine now.
No more games.
Do you hear me? Loud, clear, and wet from urine.
Think, Tandy, think.
Every minute that passes, you sail further away from your wife and unborn child.
Oh, Carol, everything I see reminds me of you.
Your various creams and ointments your nipples, of course.
Always giving me grief about my razor-sharp toenails.
Speaking of razor-sharp, I just need to find something razor-sharp to cut through these damn ropes.
Wait a minute.
(SWORD BLADES CLANG) Bingo.
TODD: Hey, Glenn? GLENN: Hmm? You know, we-we have something pretty heavy we got to tell you.
Sure.
Go ahead.
Well, y-you know, you seem like an optimistic guy.
You know, someone who sees the bright side, even on the darkest of days.
Only 100% of the time.
(LAUGHS) Good, trust me, 'cause.
- And you know why? - Wh Because I always picture that moment Moment? The moment I'm able to walk through my front door again.
The first one to greet me is Tommy.
He's my oldest.
A little worker bee.
Next, little Penny comes bounding down the steps.
She was our miracle baby.
Doctor said she wouldn't make it to her 19th birthday.
I told that story at her 19th birthday party.
And then little Dougie comes marching in.
(CHUCKLES, SNIFFLES) (VOICE BREAKING): He was our surprise.
Spitting image of his mom.
Which is a little painful, because she died bringing him into this world.
(SNIFFLES) (EXHALES): Oh, I'm sorry.
Uh, what was it you wanted to talk to me about? Uh I, uh (VOICE BREAKING): farted.
Yeah.
But it-it was a while ago, you know, so it's kind of a moot point now.
Do you know that I farted four times during that story? - Yeah.
- (CHUCKLES) Now I just got to, like, launch this over to the other side of the boat, and as she goes to check it out, then I grab the gun, and, boom it's Tandy time.
(GRUNTS) Oh, shoot, shoot, shoot, shoot! What the hell? Oh, God, what do I do? What do I do?! - (GASPS) - Hold it right there.
Put him down! Or what? You shoot me, he goes right in the water.
Fine.
He's an excellent swimmer.
Well, tell me, is he an excellent being-eaten-avoider? PAMELA: You wouldn't dare.
Tell me you can look into those sweet little eyes and do it.
You're right.
But that won't be a problem - if I start with his butt.
- (GASPS) Don't you dare eat his butt! I'm about to do it.
I'm about to do it.
Put him down, let him go.
I swear, I love the taste of dog meat.
I will shoot your face.
I'll eat his butt.
I will eat his butt! - Okay, okay, okay.
- Put the gun down! Okay, okay.
Okay.
Kick the gun over to me.
Monster.
Oh, thank God.
Carol, I'm coming for you.
Just got to get back to the island.
Oh farts.
How you holding up, Carol? I'm starting to think that we're never gonna get rescued.
Don't give up hope.
Sometimes that's all you got.
Yeah.
Look at me.
I should've given up years ago.
But I know that one day I'm gonna see a plane out there or a passing ship, and I'm just gonna run up to the top of that hill, and I'm gonna light my signal fire - and they're gonna - Whoa.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
You have a signal fire? Well, what kind of man on a deserted island would I be without a signal fire? We got to go light it for Tandy.
Carol, that boat is long gone.
You only get one shot with the signal fire.
We have to save it for a plane or for a boat.
But it's not gonna happen.
Not with that attitude, no.
No, it will never, ever happen.
Okay, I'm done with your negativity.
But please, just light the fire.
Look, I know you're upset about your husband, but we can't But, Glenn, it is our only hope! - How do you know that? - Because everyone on Earth is dead! There was a horrible virus and it took the whole world.
And we're all that's left.
So there's no planes.
There's no boats.
Except that one.
Oh, Jeremy.
What have we become? CAROL: I didn't want to have to tell you like that.
Five years without a passing boat or a plane.
I was just being foolish.
You were being hopeful.
And sometimes hope's all we have.
I'm so sorry for taking yours away.
(SIGHS) I guess we have a fire to start.
(BARKING) Jeremy.
I knew I shouldn't have given you that bowl of wine.
- (WHIMPERS, BARKS) - What? Tandy.
There's something you should see.
(TANDY CHUCKLES LIGHTLY) Care Bear.
Tandy! (IN DISTANCE): Tandy! (QUIETLY): Where are you, Tandy? (FOGHORN HONKING) Tandy.
Tandy! Tandy! (IN DISTANCE): Tandy! Carol! Tandy! (CAROL LAUGHS) - Oh.
Mmm.
- Mmm.
I thought I would never see you again.
I knew you'd give me a sign.
Well, that was actually Glenn.
Glenn? Hello, Tandy.
I've heard nothing but lovely things about you.
- Thanks, Glenn.
- Hi.
I say we leave her the hell here.
You're asking me, that's letting her off easy.
Well, look, I'll do whatever the group thinks is best, but just so you know, after I threatened to eat her dog's butt to death and got the gun away from her, she turned into a real team player.
TODD: So, what, are we supposed to just let her back on the boat, Tandy? That'd be like buying Freddy Krueger a condominium on Elm Street.
I will never forgive that woman, so my vote is a hard nay.
PAMELA: Hi.
Look, I know why you all hate me.
Right now I'm not too crazy about me, either.
- (JEREMY SNEEZES) - Bless you.
To be honest, I'm not quite sure why I did what I did.
I'd love to blame it on being in the bunker for so long, but the truth is, I had problems before that, too.
Starting to realize maybe I'm just not meant to be around people.
So I understand if you want to leave me.
Um, I'd probably do the same.
If I could just ask one favor.
Could you please take Jeremy with you? He didn't do anything wrong.
Please? Yeah, sure.
Oh, thank you.
Oh.
Well, this is it.
We've had so many oh, there he goes.
(QUIETLY): Okay.
Well safe travels.
- Well, that made that decision easy.
- Yup.
So, is that it? You guys just gonna leave her here? MELISSA: I mean, you lived here for years and look at you.
I had the hope of being rescued.
Can't imagine being left here without that hope.
Okay, fine, she can come.
But on one condition.
PAMELA: Thank you! Thank you! You won't regret this! Herman Cain is his name So you better ride that train Get on your knees and pray for the Cain You gotta pray for Cain It's a little cold out here.
(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY) Pray for Cain, yeah, you pray for Cain And then you get on your knees It's bumpy.
And you thank the Lord that the Lord has come Yes, the Lord is Cain Can someone hand me a blanket? Pray for Cain, you gotta pray for Cain It's the Cain train S-So Pray for Cain, you gotta pray for Cain It's the Cain train Did I mention that I'm sorry? Pray for Cain, you gotta pray for Cain It's the Cain train.