The Last Man On Earth (2015) s04e09 Episode Script


1 Not to brag, but the doctor said it was the biggest boil they had ever seen.
Of course I hadn't seen it 'cause it was on my backside.
But what came out of there was crazy! It was so voluminous and viscous.
Like sour cream or-or curdled milk.
Kind of Here, put your finger in this pad of butter.
Oh, no, never mind.
Uh, it was way softer than this.
But anyway, when he applied pressure, it just started spindling out.
And it kept coming and coming and coming.
I mean, the full load could have fed a family of four.
(SNORTS) You look gorgeous.
Thank you.
If you have a minute, I'd like to tell you about the specials.
Oh, I already know about one of them.
'Cause she's sitting right across from me.
In addition, we have a potato leek soup, and the fish of the day is halibut.
I'm actually just gonna get the garden salad.
KARL: What a coincidence.
Two salads, please.
And a soup to share? - ZOE: Uh - A soup to share.
One spoon.
Thank you so much Damien.
Oh, it's, uh, Daniel, but it's okay.
(PIANO PLAYING SOFT JAZZ MUSIC) What? Have you ever been painted? You know, like, a painting? No.
Then it's settled.
We're going back to my place after dinner, and I'm gonna paint you, just like Jack did to Rose.
Can we have the check, please? - I don't think so.
- I live right up the street.
(IN BABY VOICE): I could carry you.
I'm so sorry.
I better take this.
Hello? Oh, no.
I'll be right there.
That was my friend who's watching my dog.
She said he's sick and had to go to the hospital.
Oh, no.
I promise this isn't one of those fake calls you ask your friends to make in case the date isn't going well so you can leave.
- My dog really is sick.
- Oh, of course.
I am so sorry to hear that.
Oh, terrible.
What's your dog's name? I don't know.
Games, changes KARL: Hi, Mom.
How'd your appointment go? - Oh, that's great.
I don't think she's the one.
Hey, I've got a quick cooking question for you.
I'm making a very dense pot roast type dish.
You know, bones on the outside, meat kind of housed on the inside kind of thing.
A little like the crown roast you made for Christmas.
450 broil.
That's what I was thinking.
That's great.
Mom, thanks so much.
I'm gonna call you later, but I love you.
Okay, bye.
I'll keep my cool, but I'm fiendin' I try to say good-bye and I choke I try to walk away and I stumble Though I try to hide it, it's clear My world crumbles when you are not here Good-bye Good-bye and I choke Oh, crap.
Zeus? (DOG BARKING) Daddy spaced out and forgot the bullion.
You stopped up? Would it help if Daddy turned around? Be my pleasure.
Now, you just take your time.
I'll be right here.
Ugh! Shoot! Ugh! Shoot, shoot, shoot, shoot! Hi.
Thanks so much for stopping.
Um, do you think you could help me change my tire? I must have driven over a Mike's Hard Lemonade bottle or something.
(CHUCKLES) Okay, so, the spare's in here.
- And you mind helping me pull it out? - Oh, sure.
- I have a cold.
- No problem.
- Let me move this axe out of the way.
- Oh, okay.
Thank you.
- Move that.
- All right.
So, uh, how's your week going? Oh, it's been pretty good.
I-I had this Hi, Mom.
You might be hearing some things about me.
I just want to say that I am so sorry.
I just I just want you to know that you-you are in no way to blame.
This is not your fault.
If anything, I would blame Dad.
Anyway, uh I love you.
- (SIGHS) - (UPBEAT SPANISH MUSIC PLAYING) (PHONE CRACKS) Do you take American dollars? America? (SINGS "TURKEY IN THE STRAW") Yee-haw! Dollars.
For that one.
I'll give you dollars for that.
You know what? That one and that one.
And the little ones down You know what? All of 'em.
How much for all of them? You're doing great.
You know, I don't say this to all my models, but I'm getting some real Whistler's Mother vibes from you.
(EXHALES) I like your painting.
Oh, that? Aren't you sweet.
That was during my bear period a few years ago.
I love pushing the form.
You see, bears don't surf.
But art doesn't care about that.
Can I see? No.
I don't like to show my work until it's done.
But soon.
It's going really, really well.
Like, exceedingly well.
Just about done with your face.
It's really just the boobies left.
All right, I'm gonna pop into the other room.
I'm gonna get a more appropriate brush.
Don't move.
I'm gonna be right back.
- Okay.
- Okay.
So did you tell anyone you're having your portrait painted? No, it's a surprise for my friends.
Aw, that's great.
Yeah, my friends always say, "Paco, you work too hard.
" Uh, "You never do anything fun.
" So, when they see the painting, I will show them.
That's for sure.
Love that story.
Sorry it's taking me so long.
Just searching for the perfect brush.
You know, I once painted Jason Mraz.
Course, it was all from memory.
Found it.
Perfect brush.
The thing about acrylic paints is that Damn.
Damn it! Stupid, stupid, stupid.
(PANTING) (SIGHS) Ah, you have to stop this.
Stop it! Stop it, stop it, stop! (MUFFLED): Stop! You have to stop! Stop it! (PANTING) (OFFICERS SHOUTING IN SPANISH) He went that way! He went that way over there! - Hands on your head! - Okay, but this is on you.
He's getting further and further away.
- Capitán.
- Uh How What?! I'm as surprised as you.
Karl Cowperthwaite, you are under arrest for the murder and desecration of a body.
Uh, careful, I have an active boil.
I have, uh, prescription underwear.
Top drawer, underneath the knives.
(GROANS) - OFFICER: All clear.
- Come on.
- Let's go! Vamos muchachos! - But he's getting away! When I call your number, repeat the phrase you've been given.
Number one.
I get real Whistler's Mother vibe from you.
Number two.
I getting real whisker mother vibes for-for you.
Number three? I getting real whistles, mothers, vibes from you.
And number four.
That's him.
It's like Matisse mixed with Shakespeare and just a little Rhea Perlman on top.
Do you mind turning around, Javi? I just want to paint the rest of that tattoo that wraps around your back.
What is that, a cobra with legs? Yes.
Hold very still.
(ALARM BLARING) I swear it wasn't me.
I swear.
Hey, have you ever been painted? Mmm.
Wow, yes, I do eat out of boredom.
Oh, hey, excuse me, Martinez? Why are you guys wearing those masks? Just a precaution.
There's something going around.
Hey, how's Javi doing? - He died.
- He died? Hey, I'm really sorry to hear that.
- Right.
- No, I'm serious.
I mean it.
You know, people can change.
I'll show you.
Put your arm right through there.
No way.
Well, if you did, I wouldn't eat it.
I wouldn't.
(SCOFFS) I'm really changing.
Time's up.
Let's get you back to your cell.
KARL: It's kind of lonely in here.
If you ever want to talk, you know where to find me.
So Karl Cowperthwaite.
What kind of name is that? MARTINEZ: All my hair completely singed off.
- KARL: No.
- I'm standing there, buck naked, - No! - when the mayor walks in.
(LAUGHING) That's rich.
That is funny.
All right, my turn.
- My turn, okay? - Okay.
Um, I have webbed toes.
I love The Beatles.
I can't roll my tongue.
Loving the Beatles is the lie.
I just can't get into them.
Too many descending arpeggios.
- Can I ask you a question? - Shoot.
Why are you still here? I'm a prison guard.
But it's just the two of us left.
Why don't you just get out of here? My family's dead.
My friends are dead.
(SNIFFLES) Well we should get you back to the cell, no? Ooh! Can we take the long way? Please? - Why not? (CHUCKLES) - Yeah! All right.
I have some exciting news.
I literally can't wait to hear it.
Today is my last day.
I hear people are alive in Tapachula.
I'm gonna find out if it is true.
That's great.
I'm so happy.
You take care.
(SNIFFLES) Wait, wait.
Aren't you gonna let me out? Karl, you're a serial killer.
I've changed.
I swear I've changed.
Please, you got to let me out.
Please, Martinez.
Please, please, don't do this.
There is enough food here for about two months.
Then it is in God's hands.
And if you prefer to take things into your own hands M-Martinez.
Best of luck.
Why didn't you just trust me? I told you I'm not a killer anymore.
But you left me no choice, so I had to kill you.
In general, I don't kill anymore.
You got to believe me.
I don't kill anymore.
No! No! No! You got this, Karl.
Ain't nothin' but a thang.
("WORKIN' MAN BLUES" BY MERLE HAGGARD PLAYING) (GRUNTS) It's a big job getting by With nine kids and a wife Yeah, but I been A workin' man dang near all my life Keep on working - Long as my two hands are fit to use - (GRUNTS) I'll drink my beer at a tavern - And sing a little bit - (WEAK POP) Of these workin' man blues.
(QUIETLY): Oh-seven-five-four (KEYPAD BUZZES) (SIGHS) Oh-seven-five-four-nine.
Oh-seven-five-five Oh-seven-five-five Oh, you got to be kidding me.
You got to be kidding me! (OBJECTS SHUFFLING) (CLANKING) Hi, my old friend.
You deserved better than getting murdered.
I know it's no excuse, but I thought that, by killing you, I could get out into the world and prove that I didn't have to kill anymore.
And that kind of backfired.
Just know that I truly had changed.
(SIGHS) Well, uh, I should go.
Getting out today.
(LAUGHS) (SIREN WAILING) (SHOUTING) (CHUCKLES) TODD: Jasper? - (POUNDING) - TANDY: Jasper? He's stuck in there.
Todd, give me a hand.
I'm Karl.