The Last Man On Earth (2015) s04e10 Episode Script

Paint Misbehavin

1 Previously on The Last Man On Earth - Jasper.
- MELISSA: There is a little boy out there who's confused and freaked out.
Have you ever been painted? We're going back to my place after dinner, and I'm gonna paint you.
- You're a serial killer.
- I swear I've changed.
- (GRUNTING) - You got to believe me.
I don't kill anymore.
Jasper? Hi.
(ERICA SIGHS) Okay, let's call it a night and hit it again tomorrow.
Hey, gals.
- Any luck finding Jasper? - No sign.
Then you'll be happy to know that we did have some luck.
(GASPS) Here, come with us.
Shh.
Easy.
Easy.
We don't want to scare him off.
Ladies and gentlewomen, feast your eyes on this.
- (KARL YELLS) - (ALL SCREAMING) (GASPS) I got him.
What the hell? Hi, I'm Karl.
(SCREAMING) Blanks.
(LAUGHS) So, yeah, this is Karl.
Karl, this is the group.
Sorry.
It wasn't my idea.
Found him on our search for Jasper, and that little rascal, Todd, thought this would be a fun way to introduce him.
- (CAROL GASPS) - I couldn't talk him out of it.
Ugh, so Jasper is - Still out in the wild? Yeah.
- Idiot.
Don't call Karl an idiot.
He is our guest.
Now, come on.
Don't be shy.
Karl doesn't bite.
Do you, Karl? Nope.
No.
(ALL LAUGHING) Okay, okay.
I got another one.
What's the worst thing a prison guard could find at a wedding? - An open bar.
- (ALL LAUGHING) Very fun.
So, Karl, I'm still trying to figure out how you got trapped in there.
I mean, don't guards have all the keys? So many keys.
Like, name a number of keys, and it would be more than that.
But the main door locks, they were code-based, and I would always forget the code.
So much so that they called me The Code Forgetter.
- (LAUGHS): The Code Forgetter.
- (ALL LAUGHING) Ugh.
And I had to sit there and take it, - 'cause it's so true.
- (ALL LAUGHING) Anyway, I needed a change, so I came down to Mexico.
I took up painting, flamenco dancing.
I mean, the whole nueve.
That's, uh, Spanish for nine.
(STAMMERING): Spanish for nine.
Yeah, knew it.
Ocho is eight.
Yeah, life was perfect and then the virus struck.
It took my wife and her son and his kids and his grandkids.
Towards the end, it was just me and this one other prisoner.
He was a serial killer.
(ALL GASP) Killed a lot of people.
And get this: he would eat them.
- TANDY: What? - ERICA: Gross.
No.
I mean, who would do that? That's sick, in my opinion, but, after some time, we formed a friendship.
I mean, talk about an odd couple: a guy who eats people, and a guy who keeps people-eaters locked up.
I, of course, being the latter.
I feel like it's important for me to get in there, again, how strongly I'm against the use of people as food.
Yeah, you mentioned that already.
KARL: I was just emphasizing my point.
They used to call me The Point Emphasizer.
I thought they called you The Code Forgetter.
- Yeah, but also The Point Emphasizer.
- GAIL: Well, man, you must be some kind of saint, 'cause I could never be friends with a psycho killer qu'est-ce que c'est like that.
I guess I am kind of forgiving.
That's why they called me The Everyone Forgiver.
- You sure had a lot of nicknames.
- KARL: Yeah.
They used to call me The Nickname Accumulator.
Anyway, look.
I'm gonna go hit the hay.
(SIGHS) I honestly never thought I'd get this chance again, so thank you.
- Good night.
- CAROL: Good night.
ALL: Aw.
What a neat guy.
Yep.
Handsome.
Ah, wow.
- Something smells delicious.
- GAIL: Oh.
Well, you must be smelling something else, 'cause it smells like hell in here.
I-I just burned my hair on that fricking curling iron.
Burned my finger, too.
Oh.
That's what the smell was? Yuck.
That is awful.
Pee-yew.
I mean, who could possibly like a smell like that? Disgusting smell.
Ah.
I'm really glad you're here.
Erica's birthday's coming up, and I wanted to get her something nice, and you mentioned that you used to paint.
I was wondering if you'd consider doing a portrait of me that I could give her? I don't paint anymore.
Just a lot of bad emotional connections to it, so it's a real talk-to-the-hand for me.
Sorry.
Sad face.
Oh, yeah.
That's cool.
I'll just get her a candle or Lamborghini - or something.
- You know, for a burn, you don't need a Band-Aid.
You just have to apply ice.
Human flesh cooks so fast it just gets a-away from you in a hurry.
Is what I heard from my uncle, because he worked at a burn firm.
A burn firm? A firm for burns.
Anyway, ice is best.
Okay.
Well, I don't need this, then.
(SIGHS) Go get some ice, then.
Ugh.
You're not that person anymore.
Stop it.
(CRYING) Oh, God.
Get it together.
(CRYING): You've changed.
You okay, Karl? Oh, uh Yeah, I was just, uh, overcome with emotion for about six seconds.
I'm just excited to see a piano.
I actually met my wife at a dueling piano bar.
So you play? Yeah.
Sure.
Yes.
I mean, you know, only semiprofessionally.
Oh, wow.
Would you mind playing something for me? Uh (STAMMERS) I'm a little rusty, so no judgment, okay? (CLEARS THROAT) - B-B-B-Bennie and the Jets - (DISCORDANT CHORDS PLAYING) Oh, but they're weird and wonderful Oh, Bennie, she's really keen She got electric boots A mohair suit You know I read it In a magazine It's B-Bennie and the Jets (DISCORDANT CHORDS PLAYING) Bennie, Bennie Bennie Bennie and the Jets.
(DISCORDANT CHORDS PLAYING) Still got it.
Excuse me.
(CRYING): Oh, God.
Oh.
Hey You ready to go, Melissa? Uh, about that I'm going to propose something, and it's going to be unpopular.
I doubt it.
What is it, hon? I think we should stop searching for Jasper.
- What are you talking about, hon? - Why? Well, the last thing he needs is us breathing down his neck.
And that's what drove him away in the first place.
So, what, we just leave him out there? He was doing fine on his own before we came along.
And what-what if we did find him? Would we ground him for running away? Uh, to start.
That worked well last time.
And then what? Well, we'll tell him how much we love him.
And how-how much it scares us that he ran off, and that it would just kill us if something happened to him.
I mean, I just can't sleep knowing he's out there.
He just can't do this to us! I mean, does he want me to have another heart attack? I mean, come on, Jasper! That's a healthy energy for him to come back to.
Melissa, we can't stop looking for him.
And I'm telling you if we want any chance of him coming back, we have to stop looking for him.
Sorry, Melissa.
I just can't do it.
CAROL: Yeah.
I'm with Todd.
Sorry, Melissa.
Gail? Erica? Anybody? What's going on in here? Nothing.
I was, uh taking the trash out.
Taking the trash out, huh? Why? Because it's full.
Taking the trash out because it's full, huh? Yeah, taking the trash out because it's full.
Taking the trash out 'cause it's full.
Trash.
Out.
Full.
Something's a little weird about you.
(WESTERN TWANG): Isn't it, partner? Oh, you think? Been trapped in a prison for six years.
Six years, huh? 'Cause the virus happened four years ago.
It, well, uh it felt like six.
- (MOCKING STAMMERING) - (MOCKING TANDY) Yeah.
So, uh, remind me.
What kind of "penis" are you? What? (OVERPRONOUNCING): Pianist.
What kind of "penis" are you? I'm semiprofessional.
If you say so.
(CHUCKLES) Hey, have at it.
You're out of here, trash! Excuse me.
(CAROL LAUGHS) Okay, we have to talk about Karl.
Something is up with this gal.
I just caught him rooting around in Gail and Erica's trash.
He said he was taking it out, but it was so weird.
I felt compelled to write down all the details.
I mean, who in their right mind digs through someone's stuff like that? Uh, you sure do.
Just last week I caught you digging through Erica's skivvy drawer.
Uh, th-that was, uh, research for a, uh, birthday, uh, gift.
Yeah.
Uh, and thanks for ruining the surprise.
Spoiler, Erica.
You got some nice panties coming your way.
- Ugh.
- Okay, look, let's consider all the evidence thus far.
Chick has, like, ten nicknames.
Chick said he was trapped in prison for six years, even though it was only four.
Chick claims to be a semiprofessional pianist but sounds more like Liberace taking a dump on a chalkboard.
And, in case you forgot, referring you back to this.
ERICA: Sounds like he's just being a good housemate to me.
Erica, my instincts tell me you're wrong as a dong all day long, and it's daylight savings.
Well, my instincts tell me that if you don't like him, that probably ensures he's a pretty good guy.
And what's that supposed to mean? It means you're a horrible judge of character.
Oh, uh, name one character misjudgment.
Pat.
Pamela.
Lewis.
Phil.
That's four.
I said name one.
Tandy, you tried to kill Todd when you first met him.
Okay, in fairness and I think that Todd would admit this He was a real dick in the beginning.
CAROL: I mean, I hate to say it, Tandy, but if I remember correctly, you weren't too crazy about me when we first met.
How about this? Maybe just this once take that hunch to lunch and give Karl a chunce.
Maybe you're right.
Mmm.
Hey, bud.
What you slurping? Oh, uh uh, nothing.
Just tea.
Nothing more.
Nothing less.
You certainly seem to be enjoying it.
(CHUCKLES) Oh, is that a crime, now? Did they outlaw the enjoyment of tea? Maybe I missed that being locked in jail for four years that felt like six.
I think we started off on the wrong foot.
Hey, I-I just had twins, and my hormones are raging, and my fatherhood instincts are super engorged.
But that's in the past.
Yeah, and I just want to jump into this relationship now and just go hog wild.
Well, frankly, I need a little more time before I'm ready to let my guard down.
Well, whenever you're ready, you just let me know.
(CHUCKLES SOFTLY) Enjoy that tizzy.
Tea.
(SLURPS) (GASPS) Mmm.
Band-Aid tea Looks like somebody just blew their chunce.
- KARL: You're doing that all wrong.
- (GASPS) (LAUGHING): Oh, my God.
You scared me.
I'm doing what all wrong? Here, give me that old cube.
Now, get a nice big new cube.
You want to cover the whole area.
(MOANS) What's wrong? I'm ready to paint again - if that offer still stands.
- Oh.
Okay, yeah.
Let's do it.
- (QUIETLY): Yes.
- Clothes on or off? Probably keep mine on, but, um, I'm gonna go set up my painting area.
- Mm-hmm.
- I like to do it in a private space, free from distractions.
This way we can really sink our teeth into it.
That's just an expression.
I'm dying to get started.
Famous last words, am I right? How-How so? I'm gonna go set up the space.
(GAIL LAUGHS SOFTLY) - Hey, bud.
- Hey.
Look, I know you were skeptical about my theories on Karl, so I just wanted to apologize.
And, as a token, I made you a nice meal.
Oh, bud.
Bon appétit.
Are-are tho are those Band-Aids? Yeah.
Yeah, so, uh, dig in.
I got you some salt, pepper, mustard, ketchup, hot sauce.
Uh, h-heads up, the hot sauce might dilute the taste of the congealing blood.
Tandy, I'm not gonna eat this.
(SCOFFS) Good, more for me.
Thank you.
God, I cut myself earlier, and, ugh, it just would not stop, so I have a ton of these.
And, good for me, I frigging love used Band-Aids.
- I'm gonna go mustard.
- TODD: Don't don't do that.
- Tand Oh, my goodness.
- Mmm.
- Please, don't.
- That's O-positive.
That's disgusting.
(SLURPS) Mmm.
So, uh, if you don't mind me asking, uh, why don't you like eating Band-Aids? Because it's disgusting and weird.
Eating Band-Aids is disgusting and weird? Yeah, bud.
Huh, well, now I'm confused, because I just saw the very normal and fully vouched-for Karl chewing on a used Band-Aid a few hours ago.
But that's okay, right? Karl was chewing on a Band-Aid? Sure was, and I would normally think that's crazy, but my instincts are all out of whack, so I just shrugged my shoulders and did nothing, like y'all asked.
Are you serious about this? Yahoo serious.
Tandy, what do we do? Something.
Knock, knock.
You ready? I've never been more ready.
It's going great so far.
You're a natural.
I'm getting some real Whistler's Mother vibes from you.
Uh-huh.
Well, I would have preferred Stifler's Mother, but I'll take it.
You didn't tell anyone you were doing this, did you? Of course not.
Those goobers can't keep a secret.
I want this to be a surprise for Erica.
I love surprises.
(MUTTERING) (CRYING, MUTTERING) I'll be right back.
- Hey.
- (KARL WHIMPERS) Where the hell are you going, Karl? (SIGHS) Whatever.
I'm flying over you Good-bye horses I'm flying over you Well, that sucks.
Gail, have you seen Karl? - He's - (ENGINE STARTING) - (TIRES SQUEALING) - Let's go.
KARL (CRYING): You've come too far.
These people are your friends.
There has to be another way.
(KARL GRUNTS) What the hell is he doing? I don't know, but what I do know is that this situation just went from serious to grave.
(GRUNTING AND PANTING) What's the status report? Still digging? Like a nizzle pizzy in a dizzle stizzy.
What? - A nosepicker in a dust storm.
- Oh.
TANDY: Wait, wait, wait.
He's stopping.
He's stopping.
Give me an eye, bud.
Yeah.
You got it, bud.
- What's he doing? - Huh.
(GRUNTS) (SIGHS) - He's a fricking weirdo.
- Yeah.
(GRUNTS) (CRIES) (BOTH GASP) (MOANS) Oh farts.
(GAGS, RETCHES)